Lucien’s (Un)popular Opinion: Dave Chappelle’s Comedy Special Was Liked by the Public At Large For a Reason

Did you all watch Dave Chappelle’s comedy special The Closer? It wasn’t his best, for sure. He seemed to be more interested in talking about the things that were on his mind in this special rather than telling jokes, but it was still interesting to watch because it felt like he was genuinely trying to talk about things. But of course, because the media we live in LOVES to pander, and those who make the news are so out of touch with the average American that they don’t understand anything, the special became the biggest source of controversy ever.

So I hear what you’re asking – why is the Un in Unpopular in parentheses? There is a simple explanation for that. Did you know that Chappelle’s special got over 10 million views? It was an instant hit. The controversy definitely fueled it, but the truth is that it wasn’t so despised that nobody wanted to watch it. Since Netflix doesn’t do ratings, we won’t know what it is on their site, but the viewer ratings on many sites like IMDB are overwhelmingly high. The consensus seems to be – funny, but not his best work. For the people in the media who love a good pro-identity politics message, how do they reconcile this? Well, that part is easy – they don’t. In fact, they don’t touch that at all. They simply ignore it and instead focus on what the angry parts of Twitter (where anger is so easy to find that you can put a list of topics on a table and blindly pick one and there will be blue checkmark anger about it).

Plus, the media has been all over telling blatant falsehoods for forever. I’ve already done a LONG post about how media click-bait works (link here), so this is nothing new. When Chappelle’s special got so many people outraged over transphobic remarks, they said that over a thousand people were going to do a walk-out. Then it was over a hundred, with vastly more doing a “digital walkout.” No idea what that means, but okay. Then it was that it would be tons of Netflix employees, with even more people there to cheer them on. The day comes, and…it was in the couple dozens. A couple dozen people got their dander up because of Dave Chappelle’s special. The media was absolutely radio silent about the size of the turnout. Because that would conflict with the narrative, and anything that conflicts with the narrative has to be ignored.

What does this mean about the Un in unpopular being in parentheses? Well, I read an article from a publication that I actually have not enjoyed for a while just because they are so hip-deep in the identity politics promotion that actually talked pretty straight about a comprehensive study that was done about Americans as a whole, across the social, ethnic, and political ideology spectrum. The Atlantic discussed the study (link here) and the results were fascinating. It seems that political correctness is despised across the entire spectrum. Native Americans, Asians, Hispanics, and Blacks were overwhelming negative (from 88 – 75%, going down the list). Another corollary was that the people who tended to be the most “woke” was those who are economically-affluent.

Shoe0nHead once postulated that identity politics will always be used by the rich against the poor, and I really believe there is something to that. The poor are over this stuff. Another interesting thing that the study found was that the majority of people described themselves as “politically-exhausted.” They didn’t care about politics and they were tired of everything being a screed. The fact that the majority of people have no political affiliation should surprise no one. It didn’t surprise me. I’ve known that roughly 50% of people in this country will never vote. Ever. They don’t care, they don’t want to know, they just want the politics to leave them alone.

Tell that fact to the Twitter checkmark and they will go through all kinds of hoops to show how it is because of social conditioning or some other dumb thing. But the reality is that the overwhelming majority of people, across political and racial spectrums, are done with “political correctness”. So does it surprise me that Chappelle’s latest comedy special is a big hit among the average viewer? No. As such, I am not stating an unpopular opinion. The opinion I am stating is a very popular one.

Comedy has taken a real hit in the last 10 or so years, because everyone is afraid of there being some huge outcry because they said a joke that gets under the skin of the eternally-offended. The term I see all the time is “punching down”, which I have decided has no meaning, outside of just thinking which group of people it is not okay to be mean to. Comedy always has some hint of meanness. Sometimes it is exposing the ugly things people think, sometimes it is exposing the ugly things that people do, and sometimes it is just poking fun at how ridiculous society is. But at the end of the day, I can’t think of any bits that made me crack up that were 100% inoffensive. The only thing that comes to my mind about inoffensive comedy is that TERRIBLE video that the Canadian check made with her jokes about pasta. What a knee-slapper that was (read sarcasm).

We live in a world where people are being told what they can find funny, and what they can find appropriate, and what they should feel ashamed about, and the public at large is over it.  I know this is a message that a lot of identity politics types will REALLY not like to hear, abut that doesn’t change the fact that it’s true.  The upper crust people and their hopelessly out-of-touch media will lament that Chappelle said something not nice about trans people, but the numbers speak for themselves.  The public has had enough of the policing of jokes.  They want comedy that actually makes them laugh.  Though in Chappelle’s case, some more jokes would have been nice, instead of streams of consciousness.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s neat to get into the dude’s head, but it isn’t the most interesting thing in the world.

Until next time, a quote,

“Comedy has to ring true in order to be somewhat funny. Not every element of the joke has to ring true, like obviously that the joke’s an exaggeration, but the message of the joke or the premise of the joke has to ring true.” – TJ Kirk

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Uncharted Official Trailer

For whatever reason, the world is filled with people who just do NOT understand that movies based on video games suck. Without a SINGLE exception! Oh yes, the Nintendo fanboys/girls all fawned over the Detective Pikachu movie, but it wasn’t that good. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been, but it was mediocre. Over and over again, Hollywood tries and fails to make movies based on video games, and they are all either REALLY mediocre or just unapologetic piles of trash. Well, now Sony is stepping to the plate with a film adaptation of the Uncharted franchise. Oh boy. I’m sure this will in no way be a complete pile of trash. Let’s take a look at the next video game movie to be added to the list. Ugh…

I’m about to have an unpopular opinion – I can’t take Tom Holland seriously as an actor.  He is a doofus.  The dude should do mostly comedy movies.  He actually worked as Spider-Man in the MCU films because the character of Spider-Man is kind of a doofus.  But outside of that, his attempts to be a serious actor just DO NOT work for me.  For those of you who can look past the fact that this guy looks like he’s 14, Groj bless.

But we see this trailer open up with…him looking at a pirate ship.  So wait, are we taking the plot from the fourth game?  Okay.  Then we have…who I assume to be Tom Holland doing a weird voice narrating something that sounds so generic that you could literally put it in any adventure movie trailer and it would fit.  We then cut to Tom Holland working as a bartender, and we have…Mark Wahlberg.  On no.  Mark Wahlberg is a bad actor on his best day, and here he is playing Victor Sullivan.  Can we just write this off there?  Do I have to keep going?  Who likes Mark Wahberg as an actor?  Please, in my audience, tell me who actually believes this guy is any good.  I’m just dying to know.

At least they got the deal with Nate being a smartass right.  That’s one thing I’ll give this film.  For reasons unknown, Nate is now at Sully’s place and shows off his history smarts.  Man, this just makes me want to replay the scene from Uncharted 3 where a young Nate first meets Sully trying to steal from a museum in Spain.  This movie takes amazing source material and makes it lamer.  It doesn’t help that there is Mark Wahlberg in this movie.  I can’t take Tom Holland seriously as a serious actor, and I can’t take Mark Wahlberg seriously at all, in anything. 

The plot of the film is that they’re looking for…Sam?  Okay.  And we have a female character introduced.  I’m going to just go out on a limb here and assume that it isn’t Elena.  Probably Chloe?  What is she doing in this movie?  What is her drive to get involved in this?  This just reeks of “see!  She was in the game!  So that means the film is good!”  We are then introduced to our villain, played by Antonio Banderas.  This guy needs to fire his agent.  And we have his black side-kick.  Is she supposed to be Nadine?  Are they just taking things from the various games and slapping them together a la Warcraft?  This looks so stupid.

Yes!  I’m right!  That’s exactly what they’re doing!  We have the scene where they’re on the plane and the cargo goes out the back and Nate ends up going flying out with it from Uncharted 3.  So yeah, just haphazardly throwing things together and having no fucks to give if it fits or not.  Why does this film have so many up-votes?  I’m genuinely curious here.  Take away the name Uncharted and it looks like every other bland adventure movie.  The lack of anything interesting just leaps off the screen.

The thing which made the games good was that they were made to be cinematic already, had the AMAZING voice-work of Nolan North as Nate and Richard McGonagle as Sully, and were modeled after the Indiana Jones and Tomb Raider franchises.  Naughty Dog took the formula and decided to make it more interesting.  And violent, if you think about it.  Lots and lots of shooting.  Still, adventure, set-pieces, shooting, and great characterization from veteran voice actors.  This movie has one actor who has too much of a baby-face for me to take him seriously as a serious actor and Mark Wahlberg. 

This movie is going to suck, and I have no intention of seeing it.

Initial Verdict
Skip it! Skip It!

Peace out,

Maverick

What is “Forced Diversity” (to me)?

There is a term that you hear almost-exclusively in conservative pop culture circles that is almost-always maligned, and yet I also believe is routinely (and deliberately) misunderstood by the people who like to give the stink-eye to those who use the term unironically. But to my eyes, there is an actual meaning behind this term, and it is one that does make sense, when I explain it to you. Those who are among the group of people for whom nuance means nothing have already left and labeled me as a (insert bigotry against X group here), but for those who actually want to listen to what I have to say, I mean to lay out in as clear a way as possible what the term “Forced Diversity” means to me.

If you are a writer and you are writing a fantasy story, do you stop and ask yourself – why have a wizard in the story? For most people, the answer is probably no. After all, wizards as so ubiquitous to the genre that not having one would be very strange. Same as elves and dwarves and orcs. They are staples that you just have because they are always there. Meanwhile, if I am writing a fantasy story, I would actually ask myself – why do I need a wizard in the story? What do they add to it? What do they bring into this narrative that would otherwise not be there if they are not included?

That is the question that one should be asking whenever they make any deliberate archetype of a character in a story. Another example – you want to put a comic relief character into the story. Well, you are already treading on thin ice because of how loathed this character archetype is. But if you can think of a reason to put this person in the story, what would it be? Does this character bring something to the narrative that would not be there if their tedious and awful character archetype and loathsome catchphrase “Zappers!” (that’s a Terrible Writing Advice reference! Go watch their video about comic relief characters. It’s great) would lose if they were not in the story? Really hoping the answer is yes to whatever you are writing.

Diversity, as a concept, is a good thing. Characters from diverse backgrounds and cultures and mindsets bring something to the narrative because they help the story have new perspectives and can potentially bring nuance to the protagonist as they see other points of view. Notice that I’m not talking about diversity of all the usual stuff that people think of when they hear the term. I’m not talking about someone’s skin color, gender, sexual orientation, or gender identity. I’m talking about the internal things that make a character unique on a personality level, on an archetypal level. Can the traits I listed affect these characteristics? Can their mental outlook and personal code be influenced by them? Obviously that’s the case. However, they are not only those things. They are a lot of other things. Their skin color, LGBTQ identity, or gender is just one piece of a tapestry. At least in a good character.

Forced Diversity, as an idea, is when a character is put into something for the express purpose of having a character of a specific trait, and that trait dominates everything about their entire personality. Like, if there is a trans character and they go out of their way, more than once, to make a big deal about how trans they are and how that is just the most important thing to know about them. Or if they are gay and being gay is all you need to know. Or if they are a woman and isn’t them being a woman just the best thing ever?! That is when diversity goes from being a part of a greater narrative to be being virtue signaling. Because now it isn’t about making a good character, it’s about showing the people how virtuous this title is.

Another example is when you have a character who is part of X group, and the character is an absolute paragon of nothing but great qualities with no bad ones, in a way that is very noticeable throughout the narrative. Like the VERY Disney trend of having female characters in their movies who are supposed to be “empowered,” but are basically all the traits associated with toxic masculinity (lack of ability to show weakness, flaws as a person, be emotionally expressive or feel sadness) with a wig on them. If a character is just meant to be a skin for X group to put on, then it isn’t a good character. It’s just more virtue signaling.

Plenty of great characters are diverse. My favorite anti-hero is Omar Little from The Wire. He is a man who robs drug dealers. He is gay, and isn’t afraid of showing that in a community of people who is very anti-gay (I’m sorry, but homophobia in the black community is not a myth), he has no qualms about committing violence against those in the drug trade, but will not turn his weapon on a citizen. He dislikes swearing and doesn’t like when his partners do it. He is loyal to his people, and will go to war if he or someone he cares about is wronged in a serious way. He doesn’t hate the cops and will even work with them, to a point. Notice all those traits I listed? Notice how much depth this shows about the character?

Can a trans character be a good character? Of course. Obviously. Any character, of any ethnicity, orientation, or gender identity can be a good character. And if you are wondering if the character who falls into one of those categories is a good character or not, there is a very simple test you can do.  It’s called the Mr. Plinkett Test. It breaks down like this –

Describe a character without talking about the following:
Appearance
Skills
Plot Relevance
Relationships

You can only talk about their personality.  Explain this character to someone as if they have never seen/read/played the fictional work they are in.  The stronger your description, the better the character.

If your chosen character is not interesting enough to meet the standards of this test, then they are a weak character and not worth your time.  Too many characters who are lauded for their diversity points do not score well on that test. 

Diversity is a good thing.  It opens a lot of space for character development.  The problem is that it is so often used as a crutch for lazy production companies to sell their product without having to even try and make something good, because the marketing is already in the title.  “Our movie as the first ever trans character!”  Okay.  What about them makes them an interesting character?  “Our movie has the first ever lesbian Latina character!”  Neat, but what else about her is interesting?  What does she bring to the table?  Lots of things go into making a good character.  It is a conglomeration of traits that are part of a tapestry. 

So next time you want to tell me about a work that has a trans character and how awesome it is, do the test first, and if the character fails, ask yourself this – is this character just in the works for the purpose of having a character from X group?  If so, then you get to look at their behavior and ask yourself – is this virtue signaling?  Sometimes it isn’t.  Sometimes it’s just a quota, a token X group character.  Either way, it’s lazy writing.

Until next time, a quote,

“How you expect to run with the bulls at night if you spend the day playing with puppies?” – Omar Little, The Wire

Peace out,

Maverick

Top 10 Most Anticipated Games of 2022

Normally I don’t do these posts so early from the end of the year, but since there are no major gaming events and I just don’t see gaming companies making any major announcements this late in the year, there is just above zero percent chance that there will be any surprises. So, after having myself a big think, I’ve come to the conclusion that these are the games that I am going to be most enjoying next year. With me having moved, and having a job that is the best paying I’ve ever had and putting my skills to work in a way that doesn’t make me miserable, I feel like there is actually a lot to be excited about. This year was hella boring in terms of gaming. The world is still recovering from the plague, a process which doesn’t look to stop next year, but is still going to be a deal for a long time to come. Still, lots of stuff coming up and it’s all quite exciting. So let’s take a look at the 10 games I am most stoked for next year.

10. God of War: Ragnarok
I just recently got around to watching the gameplay trailer for the upcoming sequel to the surprisingly good 2018 soft reboot of the God of War franchise. I replayed the campaign just recently and it was actually really nice to see the story of Atreus and Kratos. Their growth as characters and the journey they go on is tragic and beautiful. The gameplay trailer for the sequel showed a lot to be excited about. It contiues the narrative, and the director has said it will be the end of the saga in Norse mythology, so I’m curious to see how it all plays out. It looks better, the combat looks more diverse and vertical, and we have gruff and grumpy Dad Kratos back. Lots to look forward to.

9. Gungrave G.O.R.E.
You cannot imagine how shocked I was when they decided to continue a franchise that is about as niche as I can ever remember.  I remember playing the old Gungrave on the PS2.  It is a strange combo-centered score-based game all about shooting enemies with your arsenal of guns and occasionally effing them up when they get up close as personal.  Like Devil May Cry, but with a real focus on distance instead of getting up close and personal.  These games were not something that was mainstream, and yet, they are making a new entry in the franchise.  I’m stoked.  The gameplay shown off thus far feels like a callback to a time where games were difficult and where it was all about getting those combos up and getting a high score.  I’m excited to see if this game can recapture the magic.

8. Hogwarts Legacy
This is a game where I am both very excited and very apprehensive at the same time.  Either this game is going to be spectacular or it will be unbelievably boring.  I don’t see it being anything but one or the other.  The Harry Potter universe has a very hit-or-miss relationship with gaming.  The books were all about having the right spell to use in the right situation.  Combat was always tough because you had to figure out how to make using the right spell work for situations with multiple enemies.  This kind of game would be more suited for the Telltale game format, I would think, but I am going to give this game a chance.  If it truly embraces the potential of being able to come to the school and build your own legacy, then this will be something amazing.  If not, well, it will be something that will go into the bin of licensed shovelware.

7. A Plague Tale: Requiem
A Plague Tale: Innocence was a shockingly-good AA game that took a real chance with a concept that could have been unbelievably boring and made it into one of the most surprising games I’ve ever played.  A sequel is interesting, and the trailer for it got my attention.  Getting to see what happens to Hugo and Amicia is interesting.  Amicia is now an accomplished adventurer and stealthy warrior, and her brother still has the power to control the rats, so far as I know.  I figure this game will be more about narrative growth than gameplay growth, and I’m perfectly fine with that.  I want to know what happens to the characters who I grew to really like from the last game.

6. Elden Ring
From Software has definitely made themselves a pedigree that is maybe typecasting them a bit more than it should.  There is this expectation with their games as to what the content is going to be.  It will be crushingly-difficult, with a narrative that is always a little vague that you piece together through clues in the game and get to see some lovely YouTube bards like VaatiVidya making videos about.  But this game looks unique.  An emphasis on the open world and magical abilities seems to set this one apart, as well as seeming to be faster paced.  With George R.R. Martin helping with the backstory (he will die before the Song of Ice and Fire books are finished), this has the potential to be a fantastic addition to their pedigree.  We shall see.

5. Paralives
I said in my First Take of the gameplay demo for the game that my partner is the one who piqued my interest in this little Indie title, and I do credit her for that.  However, this game has not faltered in keeping my interest.  The studio had said they were shooting for a 2021 release date, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen with the plague.  They are still in pre-alpha status, as for the gameplay demo.  They have said that they are now back in the office together, so here’s hoping that this helps make progress go faster.  I am in this game exclusively for the home building aspect.  I want to design my dream home and to compare it with my partner’s design for hers.  See where our visions intersect.  Everything about this game, from the art style to the music in the demo to the general vibe feels like everything that EA’s microtransaction-ridden mess The Sims is not.  I am a little skeptical about a 2022 release, but I am hopeful.

4. Stray
I remember when I first heard about this game.  It was in the most obscure gaming publication ever, and it was just some footage of gameplay gifs that were meant to show off a concept.  And that concept was fascinating.  A platforming game where you play as a kitty!  That concept grabbed hold of me immediately and I was in love with it.  Now, after seven years since I first saw it in that obscure publication, the game is about to be released.  The gameplay trailer for it was gorgeous, albeit a little underwhelming in terms of their combat element.  It really seems out of place in the game.  Almost like they should have omitted it and instead made it more akin to Journey or ABZU in exploring a unique locale with a unique gameplay style.  Still, I am going to withhold judgment until I get to take my kitty out for an adventure.

3. Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands
The very instant that I saw the gameplay trailer for this title, I knew that I was buying it.  This game is everything I loved about the single greatest story expansion DLC for any game – Tiny Tina’s Assault on Dragon’s Keep.  A DLC that is all about riffing on DnD games and RPG games in general was so funny, so unique, and so fun to play that I never wanted it to end.  Now, they took that DLC concept and are making it an entire video game!  Yes!  That is everything that I want!  It looks fun, ridiculous, and all that Tiny Tina energy that it needed.  I cannot wait to get my hands on it.

2. Life is Strange: Remastered
The terrible ending to Episode 5 aside (because there’s nothing that can be done about that now, just like Mass Effect 3), my biggest gripe with my favorite game of 2015 was the facial animations.  They were just so lacking in conveying the emotions they needed to that I was really taken out of some of the more emotional moments.  This remaster looks to address that issue, and I am so glad of it.  This game deserves to have Max Caulfield’s story being told in the way where we get to see just how much emotional impact it leaves on her and those around her. 

And the game I am most excited for in 2022 is…

1. Horizon: Forbidden West
My favorite game of 2017 was a VERY close battle between two titans who came out of nowhere.  The one that won out was Persona 5, but it had Horizon: Zero Dawn nipping at its heels.  With only one absolutely fantastic piece of story DLC released, the world of this franchise had so much potential to explore.  I am so excited to get back to this world and get to see where things go.  There are a ton of unanswered questions.  Who sent the activation signal to HADES?  What is going to happen with HEPHAESTUS?  What is Sylens going to do now that he has HADES back in his possession?  Lots of things to ponder, and a GORGEOUS new world to explore.  For real, the gameplay demo showed off a magical place that was so filled with vibrant colors.  Oh yeah,and velociraptor machines that I can ride!  I will accept no other machine as my steed!  My raptor or nothing at all!  Add in some underwater exploration of ancient ruins that I cannot wait to do and I am stoked as hell.  The original game was an unexpected masterpiece, and I am hoping this game follows on the heels of it.

What games are you most excited about in 2022?  Let me know down below.

Until next time, a quote,

“This conversation is over.” – Sylens
“I think it was over before it began.” – Aloy, Horizon: Zero Dawn

Peace out,

Maverick

Tales of Arise Does NOT Abandon JRPG Conventions

So, once-again, I am posting about a game that I am currently playing, and had really been loving up to this point, but where I suddenly have hit a wall and it is driving me up the wall because of how stupid it is. One of the first reviews I saw for Tales of Arise said that this game was so much different than its predecessors for a multitude of reasons. The visuals are the obvious first reason, and I cannot fault that. There has been a complete overhaul of the visual style, and it is for the better. The soundtrack from the game is also much more orchestral, but I honestly think that works against the game sometimes, because it makes me miss the old-school JRPG style soundtrack.

But easily the most outrageous claim I heard about this game was something I saw in multiple reviews where people said that this game steps away from a lot of the standard JRPG cliches that are now almost tired in the gaming sphere. Gotta say – to everyone who wrote that – you’re full of shit. Unapologetically full of shit. How anyone could watch the narrative in this game play out and not call it for what it is baffles me. Up to where I am, this game follows the JRPG cliches it is known for to a fault.

What are these conventions? First, we have a protagonist who is basically a blank slate perfect character who is always looking to do the right thing. Second, we have a female obvious love interest who is a cold-blooded bitch all the time. Third, in obvious points where people should be called out, they never are because friendship and crap. Fourth, everyone getting along because of the power of friendship, even in situations where they should have serious problems that need to be addressed with one-another. But most frustrating of all – having characters have HUGE emotional things that are solved by some bullshit display of feeling.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’m in Mahag Saar and we FINALLY have Alphen calling out Shionne for how cold she is, and it leads to her actually opening up to him. That was good, considering how tired I was getting of what an unrepentant cunt she is. But we then have what is an AMAZING scene with the Lord being potentially burned at the stake, and it is all a trap to turn them into silver fluid and steal the astral energy from them. It’s great stuff. We then learn that this Lord is important to Rinwell because she killed her entire family. When she decides that the fight is on, and you’re thinking “fuck yes! Let’s get this bitch!”, the game then stops you cold. Why? Because of the stupidest, biggest JRPG cliche ever. Law doesn’t want to see her filled with hate! What follows after that is the most melodramatic bullshit ever. It was so bad that I have had to take a break from this game and I am concerned I will not pick it back up.

I’m desperately wondering what people saw in this game that informed them that it is so unlike the usual JRPG trappings. If there is another shoe that is waiting to drop, it better do so soon, because that whole scene was fucking insufferable and I hate it. This isn’t Valkyria Chronicles 4 levels of bad, but holy fuck is it close. I am actually mad at this game. It makes me just miss Tales of the Abyss that much more. How I wish that the PS5 was backwards-compatible with PS2 games. There is literally no reason it couldn’t be. But NO! That would be too fucking hard. I want to play Tales of the Abyss right now. It is the best game in the Tales franchise, bar none. No other game even comes close. It is so good.

This game needs a shoe to drop. It needs a mid-game reveal. It needs a huge turn of fortune. What is Alphen’s deal? Can he get his memory back and PLEASE turn into a character who is actually engaging?! I can think of so many things that this game needs, none of which I think are going to happen. I’m seeing online that there are five kingdoms to explore in total and that’s it. So I am under this sneaking suspicion that I am about to be done with this game. A fact that blows my fucking mind. With a world this neat, and there is just the five kingdom on Dahna to explore? No going to Rena and fucking up their business? No righteous retribution for what they did? And why is there no arc with any kinds of villains? This game feels like it has a LOT of puzzles that you see in Tales games missing, and that bums me. Hopefully I’m wrong.

Until next time, a quote,

“You sound like you’re having fun, Colonel.”
“More than you could ever imagine.” – Col. Jade Curtiss, Tales of the Abyss

Peace out,

Maverick

Shionne is such a B*TCH!

So, I’ve been playing Tales of Arise, and thus far, I am loving it! I haven’t enjoyed a game in the Tales franchise this much since Tales of the Abyss (which is the best one, fite me). The narrative is interesting, you meet interesting characters, the visuals are GORGEOUS, and the combat is really active and fun. There’s just one major problem – Shionne. She is the character that you are stuck with…and I hate her. She is the world’s biggest bitch. Never have I wanted to hold a character down and beat their face until it’s pulp more. I want to kick her down a flight of stairs. Multiple flights of stairs. I want to smash her face into a wall. Every time this mean-spirited cunt opens her mouth, I feel like punching her in the gut.

This kind of character is in SO many games in this franchise, and it’s been done worlds better. Let’s look at my favorite instance of this character in one of these games – Tales of the Abyss. When you first meet Tear Grants, she’s trying to kill Master Van, who is a dear friend to the protagonist, Luke. The two end up getting teleported far away, and are essentially stuck together. Tear feels responsible for the situation, so she works to rectify it. When she sees how out of touch Luke is and how he doesn’t know anything about the world around him, she is so cold and unpleasant. But you see her change very quickly when she realizes that he isn’t faking it and really doesn’t know anything about the world or himself because of what he believes to be memory loss.

When she understands this, her attitude changes, and she becomes a much more enriched character. She starts opening up to Luke and even apologizing for how cold she’s been. It makes the relationship between them that grows that much better because you see the progression. But even at her most unpleasant, she is NOT Shionne levels of annoying and unpleasant.

I don’t know what the writing process was for this bitch, but it should have been edited. She is the worst. Nothing about her is even remotely likeable. Seriously, my favorite thing to do is to let enemies fuck her up and do nothing to help her. I wish I had conversation options so I could tell this ice queen bitch where she can take her attitude and shove it. I want to take that gun away from her and blow her brains out. Everything in this game would be made better if she dies. You’re supposed to feel sorry for her because she cannot be touched and she has some kind of dark forces inside of her, but in reality, all you want to do is beat the shit out of her and side with everyone who doesn’t like her because there is nothing to like about her.

And the worst part is that there are SO many characters who are apologists for this cunt! Zephyr is the worst of them. He over and over stops people from calling this mean-spirited cow out for the things she says, and why? I don’t fucking know! I have no idea why people tip-toe around this harpy. Somebody needs to tell her what a horrible person she is. Something bad needs to happen to her. Everything bad needs to happen to her. I hope she gets her face slashed to ribbons. I hope she breaks her neck. I hope she falls down a flight of stairs into a bucket of porkchops and then wanders into a room filled with honey badgers high on angel dust. This woman is so awful and so mean-spirited and so devoid of anything approaching likeable that if I got to see her die, that would make everything that much better. But no, she’s got plot armor a mile thick, so fuck me.

Overall, loving this game so far, and my review is going to be glowing, but Shionne can fucking die and the game would be that much better.

Until next time, a quote,

“How do you put up with her?” – Rinwell, Tales of Arise

Peace out,

Maverick

Gamers Now are Such F*cking Babies

Does this seem like hyperbole? Like, does it seem like I am trying to bait people into rage-clicking? Well, I can assure you, it’s not. I genuinely believe that gamers now are becoming such absolute babies, and it is more than a little bit pissing me off. This has been a topic that has stuck in my craw for a while, and it has reached the point that I am about to explode because GODDAMN, why can’t we just like the things we like and have fun with stuff and admire the time and effort that goes into this hobby instead of bitching about things that make zero fucking difference to anything? I remember when people liked games and it was a thing that people could talk about and it was fun. Now? Now, if you speak about games, there is someone who has to be the perpetual contrarian (who calls themselves “Devil’s Advocate”) who comes into the Comments section and bitches about something in the game that is meaningless.

Don’t believe me? Well, does anyone remember the puddles in Marvel’s Spider-Man? Oh yeah, I remember this. See, there was this amazing vertical slice of gameplay footage that showed off the graphics and the gameplay and it looked really cool. But then, later on, there was footage from trailers of the finished product and promotional material, and oh boy! The trailer had puddles that weren’t there in the final version of the game! So that means that it is less graphically amazing than it was promised! Now gamers are mad! Because this is just another example of game companies lying to us! Then the game comes out, and it looks breath-taking, and it played wonderfully, and it was fun and the story was nice.

Let’s take a look at something a bit more recent. Did you know that in the upcoming game God of War: Ragnorak, the animation to have Kratos get into the boat is very much alike the animation that he used to get in the boat in the last game?! How dare they! Betrayal! How dare they reuse a simple animation so as to keep the pace of development brisk so they don’t need to make things more complicated and save energy for the important stuff. Oh no! How Kratos and Atreus get into a fucking boat is very important.

Speaking of the upcoming God of War game, get a load of this little chestnut –

You hear that!  If this person doesn’t get the appropriate amount of destructability in their beautifully-rendered environment, then this game just does not meet their VERY high and very good criteria in judging quality.  Are you fucking kidding me?!  This is what we’re bitching about?!  This?!  With all the things that are worth talking about, like how Ubisoft has decided to make Ghost Recon into yet-another battle royale franchise (I hear that Assassin’s Creed is following suit), or how the current generation of consoles is basically just nothing but re-releases of older games, the thing this guy wants to talk about destroying trees.

I saw a meme, a while back, and it made me giggle.  It’s so true to life, and that is the depressing part.  It goes like this:

Yes!  This!  This is what I’m talking about.  Every time I hear people bitch about how the super mega ultra realistic graphics are not up to par, I think to the games that I love that have graphics nowhere near what the level is today, and I am happy with.  I think back to the Mass Effect games (the first three), and how much I love them.  I think back to Final Fantasy X, and what an amazing story it is.  I think back to Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and how it sent the benchmark that no other game in the franchise has surpassed.  Yes, not even Breath of the Wild.  Yet-another open world game in the vein of “Big open world…with nothing interesting to do in most of it.”  Or I think about Metroid Prime, which showed that you could make a Metroidvania game as an FPS.  That’s awesome!  How that didn’t catch on as a genre is beyond me.

The truth is, the quality of graphics is so secondary to me that I would take a game with a great story and characters with graphics from the PS3 days over something that is on the cutting edge of gameplay, but with a narrative that is tedious and wrote.  Now I know what some of you are thinking about – what about in games like Watch Dogs, where the trailer just outright lies to people!  I mean, yeah.  But Watch Dogs was a very mediocre game.  So was another Ubisoft title that was attacked for that – The Division.  Both games had amazing gameplay trailers that were not even remotely indicative of the actual product.  It’s almost like (and follow me on this), Ubisoft makes sub-par games and nobody ever takes them to task for it and people keep buying their crap!  Holy shit!  Who knew?!

And don’t get me started on how anytime that anything can be construed as “woke,” it is.  A game has an LGBTQ character?!  Woke!  That’s woke garbage!  A game has a lead who is of a different skin tone?  Woke!  The things they’ll do to score cheap woke points!  I got to hear so many people bitching that Ellie in The Last of Us: Part II is a lesbian that I thought to myself – did anybody even notice how this character shit all over Joel and his relationship with Ellie and fucked up the beautiful ending to the last game?  Because that was what pissed me off.  Oh yeah, and – a game features a character with a body type that isn’t typically feminine!  Woke!  Woke garbage!  They should hire fans!

I’m starting to realize that when I was calling out the SJWs back in the day for their trying to make games bland and boring and homogenous and terrible, I was doing it for entirely different reason as my more conservative contemporaries.  I did it because it was a bad look that was making all liberals look bad.  They did it because it was a culture war that they just HAD to get right smack dab in the middle of. 

Listening to the things that gamers online bitch about is getting tedious.  Really, really tedious.  I’m getting tired of paying attention to this community at all because all they fucking do is complain!  I can see why devs are feeling unappreciated, because look at the stuff they bitch about?  You can’t please these man-babies!  Better to just do nothing and hope they go away.  My favorite game of this year so far has been getting Tetris Effect: Connected, because that is trippy AF to look at. AAA games are getting so dull and wrote and boring.  Indie space seems to be where any and all innovation is happening, and I’m excited to see what happens next.

Until next time, a quote,

Well, it’s your world now. Have fun with empowerment. It seems to make everyone who gets it very happy.” – Rick Sanchez, Rick and Morty

Peace out,

Maverick

A Beautiful Night on the Endless Sea

My life on this alien world had become a very consistent series of activities. Things I do every day that help maintain some semblance of normalcy to my life. First, it was wake up, take care of bodily needs, make sure desalinization device is working, and that there were no pathogens detected that it would have to filter out. Drink water. Make sure food processing device was still functioning, and what the levels of organic fab-stock was at. Make a brick of primary nutrients and then eat it.
After doing my morning ritual, it was time to suit up and then dive into the endless sea around me. This skin-tight survival suit, rated to be habitable in any atmosphere, had become the best friend I ever had. That and the pod’s onboard intelligence that would keep me company as I did my tasks. It was the closest thing I had to a friend here, even though it would only ever give me direct answers. At least it was something that would talk to me.
The sun was out in full. I had made a rule of NEVER working at night. With all the sounds that carried in the water throughout the day, it was a simple rule that I had never broken. This place was terrifying at night. Not from the noises that I could tell what they were, but from the ones that I couldn’t. I could identify the noises that the giant pink and purple sluggish algae-feeding creatures were. They were harmless. They let me get close enough to scan with no problem. They just float along and eat algae. Or there were the noises from the kelp forests. I knew what lurked out there. But there were other noises. Bigger ones. Things that my scanner couldn’t get a read on because they were so far away. Far enough away to not get a possible scan, but loud enough to give me chills. I don’t know what it is from, and I don’t rightly care. It was something to avoid, so I did.
Once I put on the helmet and the survival suit readied to submerge, I dived. The water was so clear and beautiful. It reminded me of the seas back on the world I grew up on. There was a vast plethora of fishes who had gathered around the pod and its anchors. It seems the fast-growing algae had already started to creep in, something I was routinely having to deal with. What’s more, there was also the nutrients from the biological fab-stock that I would dump, and apparently from the mineral fab-stock as well. It meant that every day when I got into the water, there was a bright and beautiful menagerie of colors to greet me. Fish here were so strange. Some of them translucent, some of them bright colors, some of them seemingly polka-dotted, all of them moving with two to four fins.
The fish would move around me as if in greeting. Gotta admit, that part was a little bit cute. But I had a routine to do. I went down and checked the anchors to my escape pod. They were holding. I had gotten lucky in that I was in a shallow part of what appeared to be an endless sea. The bedrock was only 3 meters down. This was a very good thing. At some point, I knew that if I was to ever expand my salvage efforts, I would have to get past my fear of water I couldn’t see to the bottom of. I knew that my suit could dive to insane depths because of the nano-mesh that protected my body from pressure changes. But the noises out there. It was terrifying.
After checking the anchors, I went over to what I was calling the Garden, to see if there was enough material to harvest. The plant life on this planet grows fast. Incredibly fast. It was perfect for feeding into the fab-stock. I could cut it and fill up my container and then take it to the fab to break down and add to the fab-stock. I also decided that I would get more rocks and other mineral material for the mineral fab-stock. It was getting low, and if I needed to create tools or repairs, it would be essential.
Watching my air was always the tricky part. Each full tank would last me for just under an hour, so it wasn’t like I was in immediate danger, but it was still a risk. Especially since the most dangerous creatures in the reef were in the caves. One pierce of those four-armed crabs claws could break a bone, pierce flesh and draw in predators from the kelp forest, or damage my equipment. That, more than anything else, was the biggest risk. But I had gotten good at knowing their travel routes and where they were holed up, waiting for prey to come in. Now that I had a knife, it made it easier to defend myself as well. Most of the ones I came across knew that I had teeth and wasn’t above cutting off a claw to show I mean business, so they kept their distance.
After loading up a large amount of stones into my carrying container, I hauled it back to the pod’s fab unit to break down and integrate into the fab-stock. It was exhausting work. By the time it was done, it was just past midday, so I decided to drink more water and eat my nutrition block for lunch. I was getting tired of these things. The jokes about it being Lembas Bread stopped being funny when there was no one to laugh at it about. The loneliness was starting to become the hardest part. The onboard intelligence would never hold a conversation with me.
Once that part was done, I decided to get back to a job that I had originally been tasked with – scanning. I was contracted with the RSI to get scanning data on the planet that I was originally being sent to. I would have gotten paid for each scan that I got, the juicier it was, the more I would get. Since that was the job I knew, I figured that I would do it as much as possible. Assuming that someone ever comes here and finds the remains of this place, they could get my scanning data. Would make somebody very happy.
I had resigned myself to the reality that I was never getting off this planet. I would do all I could to survive, but eventually either the elements or local fauna or something else would end me. If there was a command crew somewhere, they were so far from me that it didn’t matter. I had exhausted the wreckage I found in my immediate vicinity, so I was stuck with the tools I had, unless I wanted to be insane enough to venture further out. Fear nipped at me so hard, but I knew that I had to conquer it. I was brave. I was strong. Stronger than this. But it was still terrifying.  I had never been known for my bravery, but it was something that was getting better.

Today I decided that I would venture into the kelp forests again.  I had been watching, observing, getting data, and had learned the patterns of the things in that forest that frightened me.  Half-plesiosaur, half-alligator, they stalked the kelp forests, catching prey that was unaware.  However, they never left them.  For whatever reason, they were also very reticent to leave their help haven.  I found that strange, but comforting.  Still, they were consistent.  I was able to conclude that they do the bulk of their hunting at night.  Why?  Because it seemed like during the day, they would drift along.  That wasn’t to say that they weren’t on the lookout for an easy meal, but it wasn’t their preferred time to hunt.  Probably because, with their dappled white and black skin, they stood out way too much.
This planet has no moon, so when it was night-time, it becomes so dark underwater that it is terrifying.  All my fears of water come to the forefront as I am down there having to repair something and hear noises at night.  Sure, my suit lights up, but that drains the internal batteries and must look like a beacon in the night for anything curious enough to come say hello in the gloom.
I took the pack to load up on any good biological scans I could get who could be added to the fab-stock as new elements to open up new creation opportunities.  The journey only took about half an hour.  Boy, if nothing else, I could say that my time being much weaker than other people was gone.  In the 23 days I had been here, my muscle had gone up exponentially.  Watching my body get more buff was kind of awesome. 
Once I reached the forest, I took out my scanner and got a read on my immediate area.  Seems that none of the fearsome predators of the kelp were out and about.  This was the best chance I was ever going to get.  I gently swam in.  Now that I was brave enough to look around more thoroughly, there was a lot to see.  The first thing to scan was the kelp itself.  The structure of it was amazing.  Fast-growing, but also very strong.  The fibrous tissue making up the structure was durable.  This had potential.  I cut off the base of one of the leaves and put it in the pouch.  It had to be added to the fab-stock.  Once scanned in, I could make it from the fab material at any time.
There were also these pods that reminded me of octopus eggs hanging from big bundles on some of the arms of the kelp stalks.  These were no eggs, though.  Indeed, they were filled with a kind of syrup-y material that held a great deal of vitamins.  This could be good, because one of the things that I needed was to increase the vitamin intake to ward off scurvy.  I put several of those in my pack. 
I also got to scan a kind of fish that traveled in schools through the forest, eating the fast-growing kelp quite voraciously.  Very nice!  I knew that there would have to be a food chain here that would keep the natural growth of its plant life in check.  Otherwise it would be out of control.  It explained the size of the fish too.  The big purple six-eyed sea cows were easily as large as their terrestrial counter-parts, floating along eating nothing but algae.  Today’s fish were streamline-made to move quickly and efficiently through the kelp forest.  They were green like it too, for blending in. 
At the base of the tower was a species I can only describe as a sea slug with tube feet.  They were eating the fallen kelp stalks.  Everything goes back to nature.  Not a single mammal I had seen.  No surprise.  How could creatures with fur evolve on a planet which I am convinced is entirely covered in water?
Motion detectors showed that something was on the move.  Big enough to get my attention.  Looking up, I saw the evening sky colors out.  Time to move!  Without trying to show panic, I swam out of the kelp forest and back towards the pod.  It was nice that the HUD on this helmet always kept a firm fix on its position, so I was never lost.  It was like my compass point.  My central magnetic north, as it were.
Shadows were passing above.  I was staying low, to avoid prying eyes.  It was unnerving.  The hunters of this forest are easily the size of the average alligator.  What they were hunting in this place that got them to that size, I figured it was something I hadn’t seen before.  Maybe the sea cows?  Just a hypothesis, but with no evidence.  Bad science, really.  Not enough data to be conclusive. 
Finally, I got free of the kelp forest and began my swim home.  It wasn’t that far.

The sun was getting low into the sky as I put the new biological material into the fab to deconstruct to add into the organic fab-stock.  I had also found some titanium metal deposits!  This was good.  If ever I needed repairs, you couldn’t get much better than that.  Now I could add that into the mineral fab-stock and it would be able to make repair parts much stronger.  All-in-all, a good day.
I decided to eat my dinner nutrition block on the top of the pod.  Sunsets on this world were glorious.  Absolutely glorious.  A place I would have loved to take Jean on a date.  A nice thought, that was a thousand worlds away.  Getting out of my suit was starting to feel like peeling off a layer of skin.  I had become so accustomed to being in it that not being in it was always strange.  It meant that I was sitting on my pod naked, but what did I care?  The weather here was tropical, and there was literally nobody around to judge me.  Since there were no dangerous pathogens detected in the water around my pod, I will admit that I sometimes swim naked around the pod, to clean myself.  The suit gets wet, but what’s underneath only gets perspiration from exertion, no sea water.  It felt so refreshing and naughty to be doing this.
Afterwards, I laid out on the top of the pod, watching the sun fall below the horizon as I looked at the setting sun.  While this planet had no moon, it did have a binary orbit with another world, but one that was so far away that it would only occasionally eclipse the sun.  This was a strange place, but beautiful in its way.
Laying there, wet hair that was getting long enough that I would have to deal with it at some point, I thought about my situation.  I had to start thinking long term about survival.  There was no way around it – I had to start going out further.  I had no choice.  Far down the horizon, there were the lights of the still-burning crashed vessel that had followed me down to the surface.  That place was a gold-mine of potential tech for me to use.  Not to mention, I was getting strange readings from it.  Ones that were more than a little concerning.  If their core was at risk of melting down, the damage to this planet and to my immediate area was unthinkable.  I’m not an engineer, but I knew enough to know that something had to be done.
What’s more, there were other things in that crash or nearby that could be useful.  I know for a fact that the ship had tiny submersible vehicles.  A one-man sub that could charge with solar energy.  Such a thing would be invaluable to my work!  It would mean I could get around quicker, safer, and not have to concern myself with keeping a floating security case around for keeping things in for resupply.  There could also be blue-prints for other things.  My mineral fab-stock was very full.  I could do some building, if I get the blue-prints for tech I need.  There’s copper, steel, and now titanium in the fab-stock database, so it can generate it from what’s in there now. 
But there was another thing that I could hope beyond all hope was there – a function bridge.  If the bridge was intact, then I could be able to get a distress signal off planet.  The pod’s distress beacon was active, but how much could that possibly help?  We at at the Frontier of RSI’s claim to this space.  The ship, on the other hand, would have a much more powerful beacon.  There was no choice.  I had to risk it.  My hands started shaking thinking of going out there, past the drop-off to deeper water.  Towards the noises that frighten me.  But if I ever wanted to see the woman I love again, there was no choice. 
Just then, there was a light above me.  A lance of brilliant, beautiful blue that was passing in the sky above.  It was so bright that it painted all of the world around me in its color.  Beautiful!  I took out my scanner and captured an image.  This wouldn’t be worth any funds, but it was too amazing for me not to capture.  A comet of some kind, or maybe a meteor big enough to actually hit this world.  It was headed in the direction of the fading light at the edge of the horizon, and was magical to see.  I couldn’t get enough of it.  Sitting there, the cooling night air, my body air drying, I felt a sudden surge of bravery that I hadn’t felt before.  It was a very nice feeling.
Tomorrow, I was going to load up my security case, then begin my journey out to deeper water.  I remember seeing crashed wreckage past the drop-off, like a whole section of the ship.  That was my first destination.  I didn’t delude myself into thinking I was getting off this world, but at the very least, I would be able to survive easier.  That was a victory enough.

Until next time, a quote,

“Hope brings organic lifeforms comfort in times of uncertainty.  We…admire the concept.” – Legion, Mass Effect 3

Peace out,

Maverick

Things That Need to Die: Random Assortment Edition

I have been talking with my partner, and the two of us have come to a conclusion about things that need to die. There are so many things in culture right now that are beyond overdone. They are oversaturated to the point that when I see there is a new entry in their genre, I think to myself – ugh, not another one. We don’t need more! Popular culture is at a turning point where they are in desperate need of a shake-up, and I am going to list the things that desperately need to go, based on what my partner and I have been talking about. This is in no particular order, so don’t go thinking there is any delineation of how much I dislike the things I think need to go. Just assume that I hate all of these things continuing as a genre equally.

Superhero Movies
I’m sorry, but this market is beyond oversaturated. The MCU got lucky in how they were able to get past the law of diminishing returns, but it hit the high water mark with Infinity War, and it cannot get past that again. Disney should have realized that people want a break from the capeshit, but instead they wanted to double down and build it all up again. This genre of films is overdone and it needs to go. Don’t even get me started on DC. At least they realized that making an MCU clone was not going to happen and they ditched it. But it’s time for all of thise to end.  The ONLY reason that the MCU is still not seeing diminishing returns is because of the lockdown.  I bet, if the lockdown hadn’t have happened, nobody would have gone to see Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, and if anyone goes to see Marvel’s Eternals, I will be shocked.  That looks like the blandest movie to ever hit cinemas.

Star Wars
This franchise should have been put out to pasture over 30 years ago. There are now SIX mainline entries in the franchise that are either mediocre or terrible. There is no middle-ground between those two points. That’s double the good entries in it. Don’t even get me started on the stand-alone films. The ONLY thing propping the franchise up now is The Mandalorian, and apparently they mean to end that after the next season. It’s time to let this franchise go the way of the dodo.

Star Trek
It breaks my heart to see what this franchise has become. Watching CBS turn it from a smart series of shows about exploration and dealing with complex issues, to a special effects extravaganza that is all about swearing and violence and nihilism and bad comedy just kills me. When I saw the trailer for Lower Decks, a fourth-rate Rick and Morty clone, I realized that this franchise has no more potential and needs to be let go. And don’t even get me started on Picard. Shitting on one of the most iconic characters in all of science fiction for the purposes of raking in that cheap nostalgia views pisses me right the fuck off. This franchise hasn’t been good since Enterprise, and even that was not that good. It’s time to admit that this franchise has reached the point that it has been done to the point that there is nowhere else they can go with it.

Urban Fantasy
This was a pick from my partner, and I can see why. This genre has been on the way out for a while, but it has not been good in a VERY long time. I think the last time that urban fantasy was any good was with the two series Buffy and Angel. After that, spurred on by YA novels all trying to ape off the success of Twilight, there was a TON of them. I even remember myself getting swept up in it with Final Fantasy XV, but that game didn’t even try and really make something special with its premise. I’m DYING to know what the trailers for Versus XIII could have amounted to if Square Enix hadn’t pulled the plug on Nomura because China doesn’t like ghosts. But yeah, this genre has been played out, but thankfully it is on the way out already.

Sequels
Gaming, I am looking at you.  You know what I miss – when good games could stand on their own.  When every stupid thing didn’t need to be a franchise.  When you could have a game that is just nice by itself.  Maybe it gets on sequel.  Maybe two.  But then, you leave it there and it is done.  That time feels like a century ago now, with every game franchise having so many sequels that you don’t even care anymore.  You can’t even get invested because the interesting idea has been driven into the ground.  Instead of making more interesting games, they have to make games that are sequels because those sell on name recognition.  I hear they are doing a direct sequel to Mass Effect, and I can’t even pretend to care.  Bioware as it once was is dead, so now I know that their chances of making anything good are gone.  I am curious AF to see what Casey Hudson and the people at the new indie company made up of Bioware veterans are cooking up, though.

Every Single Nostalgic Film Franchise
I’m talking about Alien.  I’m talking about Predator.  I’m talking about Terminator.  I’m talking about ALL of the franchises that cannot seem to be led out to pasture by the film companies who are so void of ideas that they have to ape off the success of past glories until their brand recognition is a ghost town of nobody caring anymore.  Or of the smooth-brained idiots who go to see movies in America who will run to the theaters to see the latest iteration of the franchise they like just because they want to watch something.  I have no idea when all of this will be enough for the fanboys/girls of things, but it cannot come soon enough.

Nostalgia Culture
I am 110% over nostalgia bait in movies. I am 110% over nostalgia as a concept. There are things I am nostalgic for, but at this point, when I hear something about how X entry into a franchise that should have been lead out to pasture has so much nostalgic things in it, I immediately know that it is shit. Complete shit. I cannot be alone in wishing that someone, anyone, was brave enough to create something new that looks at a new genre or takes an old genre and shines it up and brings it back into the mainstream.

Those are the things that I am absolutely over and that need to die already.  I could go on.  This list will grow longer.

Until next time, a quote,

“Advice is a form of nostalgia.  Taking the past from the disposal, wiping it off and painting over the ugly parts.” – Baz Luhrmann

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City – Official Trailer

Does anyone remember that franchise of Resident Evil movies? The ones starring Milla Jovovich? Yeah, the only thing I remember about them is that they went on so far past where they were any fun to watch. Oh, and can we all admit something right now – Milla Jovovich cannot act. She cannot emote to save her life. These movies were made by her husband as a vanity project for his wife, and it shows. This woman has this American accent that is almost verbatim that Family Guy bit about Europeans who have been in America for a long time but still haven’t completely lost their accents. She says things, but they come out wrong. Uses verbiage that doesn’t actually fit with what she is trying to say in ‘Murica speak. But yeah, those movies sucked, and the lady can’t act.

Well, it seems that they are rebooting the film franchise, and the first trailer for this terrible idea dropped, and…it looks like it should be something on the SyFy channel. This is so bad. I cannot believe that this is something that has as many up-votes as it does. Thankfully, a decent chunk of people see reason and down-voted this. I have concluded that the up-votes are just from dejected gamers who wanted to see a movie based on a game that is faithful to it. Poor morons. Anyway, let’s take a look at this dumpster fire.

We begin with seeing who I am assuming to be Claire Redfield on a motorcycle, talking about how every story has a beginning.  You all ever take a creative writing course?  In it, they talk about ways not to begin a story.  They should have something like that for film.  Because that line is so overused so as to be meaningless. 

We have Claire on a mission to expose Umbrella.  So…not trying to find her brother?  The whole reason she came to Raccoon City was to find Chris.  She didn’t care what the deal was with Umbrella until she was up to her neck in zombies.  Why are people saying how faithful this game is to its source material?  Because there is no Milla Jovovich?  That definitely is a point in its favor, but still, that doesn’t make this good.  And this movie looks so cheap.  Like, this does NOT look like a major Hollywood production. 

It seems this film is instead about Claire being on a mission to expose Umbrella because she has conspiracy theories.  Oh boy.  This old chestnut.  Speaking of plotlines that are old and played out!  Man, this film is just so full of surprises.  I can’t wait to see where it goes next!  She plugs in a VHS tape and it shows a dude who is so stereotypically a conspiracy nut with the wall behind him covered in information and strings on there showing connections.  Oh man, I’ve never seen this before! 

We also see what I assume to be Lisa from the original game.  Does this mean we get to see the Spencer Mansion?  Or are they going to do the thing that you obviously know they are going to do and have it be her in the city, somehow.  The montage shows Raccoon City becoming infected by the zombie plague, so are they going to try and cobble the first and second game together into some kind of shitty amalgamation?  Yes, the things not to look forward to about this movie just leap off the screen at you.

It seems I was right.  We see Claire and Chris suit up and then head to what I am assuming to be the Spencer Mansion…after the infection has reached the city.  Why?  What possible reason could they have to do that?  To get evidence?  If the goal is to reach the outside world and to get someone to deal with the problem, why would they have to go there?  This makes no fucking sense. 

There is a montage of action and zombie stuff set to a REALLY inappropriate use of the song “What’s Going On?” and I can’t help but not care.  At least, until I see the CG they used for the zombie dogs.  Wow!  This looks like something made by a YouTuber.  This is impressively bad.  Did they just hire the cheapest animation company they could find because they have no budget?  This looks like shit.  Nothing in this movie looks even remotely good.  The montage of things at the Spencer Estate don’t make sense in context with this movie.  Is this before the events in Raccoon City?  After?  During?  Is that dude with the really short blonde hair supposed to be Wesker?  He looks like a dork. 

There is a shot of what I am assuming to be William Birkin infected with the G-Virus, and holy shit!  There is WAY too much going on in this movie?  How long is this going to be?  Two hours?  Three?  The usage of that song seems appropriate now, because with so much shit packed into this movie, it will be literally impossible to tell what is happening in this movie. And it ends on a shot of a Licker, who also looks like terrible CG, though not as bad as the dogs.  Did their money just run out for them? 

This movie looks like a mess.  They are trying to take the plot to two games and shove it into one movie, which is probably going to have a 90-minute runtime.  This is insane.  None of these actors can act for shit, so maybe they should have just gotten Milla Jovovich back.  I do not know who this is made for.  Fans of the game?  If the movie sucks, you think the fans of the game are just going to look past that?  This is a cash grab, and the studio knows it.  Like the Warcraft movie, they are hoping that with enough references to the game it is based on, it will have people loving it.  Well, you can count me out.  This looks like shit.

Initial Verdict
Not even going to stream it

Peace out,

Maverick