The Adventures of Azure and Creamsicle: The Glittering Dream

It was a late night.  The moon hung in the sky.  Midnight and I had met up and had some more of our bounty from earlier, and now I was content to go back and get some rest.  Perhaps tonight I would rest on the big bed in the sleeping room.  That usually got me some affection in the morning from my human and the Michael human.  I could get behind that.  In any case, I arrive and find that the underwear drawer is open.  This is good, because that is the most comfortable place in the house.  I slide in and lay down, shifting a little to settle the contents of the drawer and make the bed more soft.  It works, and I feel myself quickly falling in to slumber.

My eyes open and I am in a large room.  It is so very large.  The walls of the room seem like a world away, as does the ceiling.  How such a massive room could exist is beyond me.  There is light pouring through the windows.  I look over and see that the windows are all colors.  It is a strange menagerie of beautiful dazzling lights.  My paws move without my will and I am almost dancing in the dappled colors all over the floor.  It’s amazing!  How could so much beauty be in one place?!  The feelings of joy inside me swell up as I am rolling in the various lights that paint the entire room.  That is when I notice that there is a shimmer coming from above.  In fact, there is a lot of shimmer.  It’s moving too!  Almost like the notorious red dot that I have been at war with.  I once caught the dot for a full minute under my paws.  However, the moment I move them, it vanishes.  That dot will yield to me, but this was more interesting.  The dot was but one light.  This was many.  Infinite, in fact.  It seemed like the lights went on forever.  I looked up at their source and saw dozens upon dozens of tiny crystals hanging from the ceiling.  It is almost too beautiful for words.  What is this glorious and magical place?
It is then that I perceive a door far away.  It is hanging open, with more light coming from a passage outside.  It is tempting, but leaving this room of color seems like too much of a problem.  It is then that I see a kitten.  It is very small, with orange fur that has white stripes in it.  The kitten looks up at me with a big smile on its face.
“Hey, wanna play?!” it asks.
I’m confused.  “What do you mean?  Play what?”
It just runs around.  “I don’t know, just play!  Wanna?!”
The little kitten is annoying.  I am not a fan of it, but it clearly knows more about this place than I do.
“Say, do you know what is outside of this room?”
It nods vigorously.  “Oh yeah, I know everything about this place!  Wanna see?”
That gets my attention.  “Yes, I would very much like to see.”
The kitten takes off and I chase after it.  It goes out the door and I am almost blinded as I exit.  The door leads to a large bridge.  The bridge runs above what appears to be a forest.  The forest is filled with trees of all kinds, and I can hear water running and birds chirping.  It’s a very exciting feeling, which leaves me wanting to see more.  This bridge was not the only one, either.  There were other bridges on either side of me that each led to a different room.  How big was this place, anyway?  It was a strange sensation as I followed my young companion.
The door ends at another room.  I got inside and this room is stranger than the last!  There are giant fuzzy creatures that neither move or speak.  They are like the toys I have at the house, but larger.  Much, much larger.  The are other cats playing with them!  What are these creatures!  They seem to be most happy, so I simply write it off that they enjoy our company.  What a pleasant thing.  It seems that humans are not the only ones who have a great deal of affinity for my people.  That was worth knowing.  The kitten motions for me to follow, and I do.  I am getting more and more excited about what I’ll see next.

We cross another bridge and get to a room that has so many smells!  For real, it’s like my nose is bombarded with scent.  The one that sticks out the most to me is…catnip!  Oh my god, that smell is just awesome!  There are cats in a corner at a hookah, breathing out smoking catnip.  I walk over and sit on my paws.
“Take a seat, brother!  All are welcome at the table of the cat!”|
I sat down and took one of the pipes.  I put it in my mouth and smoked.  It was such a strange feeling, the smoke leaving my mouth.  I felt so good.  The catnip was amazing!  The finest I had ever seen.  There was a woman-human not far from my human who would grow it in her garden.  We did so love that woman.  Stealing some of her prize was a common activity among Midnight and myself.
After I get done, the kitten is waiting for me at the door.  The world is spinning now, and I am so excited to see what is next!  We run across another bridge (this was seriously making me wonder if this place wasn’t a labyrinth, as I was noticing bridges that go between buildings, and there was a steady amount of forest below.  Speaking of, I finally saw the creek I was hearing.  It ran between the forested sections of the building.  There were some cats that were catching fish there.  I had no fear of water, but to just go out there like that!  Madness!  Though the fish did look nice.
The next room opened up and we went inside.  This room was nuts!  It was like a giant arena!  Inside the arena, there was a battle going on between a couple of cats and a beagle.  I recognized that beagle!  It was the one that the neighbors owned!  This caught my attention and had to be studied.  What was it doing here?!  Was it getting fame and glory?  Some kind of treats?  The reality of the contest eluded me, but it was very fierce.  The kitten did not seem to want to stay here.  I was with it.  We left as quickly as we had come.  I couldn’t help but notice that at the top of the arena sat a cat and an entourage who looked like the some kind of royalty.  Best to stay clear of that one.  Me and authority from other cats don’t get along.

The last room was a massive one!  It went up so far that I couldn’t see the top!  The kitten looked excited to be here.  I had a distinct impression that this room was in the middle of the elaborate positioning of the rooms.  The door closed behind us and the place immediately had sunlight streaming in.  These windows were not colorful like the first room.  They had designs.  There were also some kinds of elaborate representations of powerful-looking cats, like the one I had seen in the arena.
“Come one!  Hurry-hurry-hurry!  It’s just up ahead!”
I looked at the bounding kitten and was confused.  “What is?”
It winked at me.  “You’ll see!”  We ran down several hallways and came to a giant staircase.  It looked to go up for eternity.  I looked at the kitten and said, “You really want us to climb up that?”
It smiled and shook its head.  “Nope!  Just wait on this step!”  The kitten went and hit a button beside the wall.  Suddenly, all but a few of the stairs melted away and we started heading for the top of the room!  It was scary, kind of terrifying, but exhilarating at the same time.  We finally get to the top and I feel like I’ve been on some kind of crazy car ride!  It was fun.  We step off and see that there is a window near us.  I can already tell it’s very high up.  We walk to the edge and look out.  I was right!  The place we were in was massive!  A labyrinth of huge rooms that went as far as the eye could see!  So did the forest too.  It was almost unreal.
“What is this place?!” I asked the kitten.
“Where all of us go, in time.”
“What do you mean?”
It shook its head.  “Not now.  But later.  Now, you get to go back to that other place.  I’ll see you soon!”
There was so much confusion.  “What do you mean?!”  Just then, a massive eagle appeared!  It was coming towards the window.  I took off as fast as my legs would carry me.  It crashed through and charged toward us.  I felt so scared.  Faster and faster, yet my legs felt they couldn’t go any faster.  It was so terrifying!  I felt a claw on my back, then it all went black.

“Awww, what do you suppose he was dreaming about?”
“Probably chasing something in his sleep.”
I feel a hand scratching behind my ears.  I see my human and purr.  If only she knew.

Until next time, a quote,

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”  -Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (For those who know the history of the first one)

Peace out,

Maverick

Americans Won’t Marry Atheists? So What?

So, I am an atheist.  In fact, I’m something of an anti-theist.  I hate religion and all of the bullshit that goes with it.  It’s an outdated belief system that is now doing infinitely more harm than good.  The fact that the biggest debate we have is if science is important in our society baffles me, and is another wondrously stupid bi-product of modern religion.  That said, you wanna believe that a dust-man and a rib-woman ate magic fruit that caused humanity to be cursed forever and the only way we can break that curse is to eat the metaphorical flesh and drink the metaphorical blood of a Jewish zombie while telling him telepathically we love him and his baby-daddy all the time, be my guest.  So long as you aren’t trying to get your BS taught in classrooms as science or legislated to the country, whatever you do with your book is up to you.

However, a recent piece of news has gotten my people talking about how almost nothing has really changed for us.  See, it seems that nearly half of America isn’t interested in marrying an atheist.  According to a study by Pew Research, ideological divisiveness is at a higher point now than at any other time since the Civil War.  The amount of animosity toward the opposing parties of each one has risen dramatically in the last 40 years.  Almost 10% of people would be unhappy if a loved one married someone of the opposite political party, and that was on both sides.

There was something rather uniform across the board.  Nearly half, for real – 49%, of people polled would be unhappy if someone they loved married somebody who didn’t believe in God.  On the one hand, I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked by this here in America.  It is, after all, a hopelessly religious country.  Almost 80% of people in this country identify as having a strong belief in a personal deity.  You can’t get elected to office in this country without sucking religion’s cock.  You always have to make religion happy or else Fox News and their army of religion-suckers comes after you.  If you don’t praise God enough, people think that something’s wrong with you.  I got kicked in the nuts once because I told a guy that I thought that religion was bullshit.  America LOVES religion.

As we look at this little tidbit of information, here’s something to ponder – so what?  I mean that – so what?  Why do you care?  Does it really matter if they want to go through all the song-and-dance that people do when they get married?  After all, all it is is a line on a piece of paper.  That’s it.  That’s all it is.  Aside from the tax benefits, what exactly does that line mean to people?  Does it suddenly make your love more real?  If that were true, then the divorce rate wouldn’t be nearly as high as it is today.  Does it make you a better person?  I’ve seen too many domestic violence statistics to believe that.  Does it make a family stronger?  Read the biography of Kurt Cobain and you’ll see how a family that is still together when broken can be emotionally brutalizing.

Maybe this is just me talking, but I genuinely don’t care if someone would rather marry a rapist than my breed.  Good for them.  Let them have the marriage of their dreams.  Maybe they can find something that I don’t have.  But why is everyone so gung-ho for this whole marriage thing?  It’s a lot like seeing a gay guy want to believe in God.  God’s book doesn’t like you.  Why do you like him?  Because of Jesus?  Jesus tells you that you have to love him more than you love your entire family of your husband to get into Heaven (Matthew 10:37).  So yeah, this whole thing about this being a large issue is confusing to me.  But hey, maybe I’m just ignorant.

After all, the rate of marriage has stayed pretty consistent in this country.

Until next time, a quote,

“I don’t even understand the connection.  “Died for your sins.”  What is, how?  “He died for your sins.”  Well, how does one affect the other?  I fucking hit myself in the foot with a shovel for your mortgage!”  -Doug Stanhope

Peace out,

Maverick

The Adventures of Azure and Creamsicle: The Unconquerable Heights

I wake in the underwear drawer of the female human I live with.  She sometimes leaves it open on accident, which I take full advantage of.  She often dislikes this, as it seems that having my hair all over her underwear is a negative thing.  However, this means nothing.  It is soft here, and it is my spot.  They call me “Azure,” in reference to the bluish-gray striped coat I have.  And interesting way to be named, but whatever.  As I have entered my 38th season of life, and I can clearly tell that I am going to have to awaken the humans in order to get myself food, I have been feeling a little bit reflective.

I came into possession of this human after she exited something that I have heard referred to as “college.”  Not sure what one does there, but it doesn’t matter.  Originally, it was just the two of us at a small apartment.  Things were different then.  I was much smaller and much less resourceful.  I had no mentor to teach me the ways of the world, so I had to learn on my own.  There were many things that I got wrong.  Those days were…harder than most.  But the human was much more affectionate.  The two of us would sit while she would have her lap-filling device out.  I was not a fan of this device.  I would continually try and get on top of it, so she would have better access to petting me.  However, she would continually move me.  However, we came to a compromise after she started petting me when I sat next to the device.  While it wasn’t as nice as other pettings, it was still nice all the same.
Those were good days, just the two of us.  Then, however, another human named Derrick entered the picture.  I did not like this human.  He took up a great deal of her time and did not pet me as much.  Indeed, this human seemed to sneeze around me.  Things between that human and my human got very heated.  Eventually, the male human demanded that it was either him or me.  The nerve!  It was then that my human did something I’ll always remember – she chose me.  It was a very good day.  I was most kind to her after that.  I even wouldn’t mind when she was in the bathroom alone or would have the lap-device out.
But then, another human came into the picture.  His name was Michael.  This Michael was much less annoyed by my presence.  Indeed, he tried his best to befriend me.  I had seen how the Derrick human had treated my human.  I wasn’t going to let this one do the same!  As loudly as I could, I would lodge my protest whenever was possible.  When they would be on the bed, wiggling around in what I assume to be some kind of mating dance, I would sing the songs of my people, to keep her from making a mistake.  After a while, she was much less pleasant, even picking me up and taking me out of the room.  I was very cold to her after that.  Fine!  If she wanted to get hurt by another male human, let her!  I would stay in the living room and rest on the top of the couch.  Indeed, the humans seemed to take notice of how little interest I seemed to have in them, yet this didn’t seem to be a negative reaction.  As a matter of fact, they seemed grateful!  The nerve!
One day, a lot of things changed.  The two humans were together the entire time.  The Michael human moved in to the apartment!  They talked of moving, which hurt me quite a bit.  Were they leaving me here?!  Had they forgotten about me?!  Did I go too far in my attempt to punish them for casting me out of the sleeping room?  How I pushed it too much?  The questions were adding up, and then it all became clear.  My human and the other human were packing up all the belongings we had.  Part of me was quite worried that they would take the litterbox, or the sleeping chair, or the sleeping bed, or the bigger sleeping bed that the human would sometimes us.  Or the bowl where our food is.  However, just as I was about to break down, my human picked me up and threw me into a cage!  It was every nightmare I’ve ever had.  Trapped, it was dark and I was unable to escape.  I did everything I could, but nothing worked.  I sung the songs of my people as loud as I could, in hopes that some part of the humans soul would recognize the pain.  However, as quickly as their torment began, it ended.
Indeed, the humans set the cage down in a bright space and opened the door!  I was free!  As fast as my legs would carry me, I raced out of the cage and into the light.  This space was much larger than the apartment.  Indeed, it was so large that I didn’t quite know what to do with it.  They moved the belongings from the apartment and set them in various places here.  I was informed by my human that this was where we would be living from now on.  I suppose I could warm up to it.  This was a much larger space.  There was even a small doorway in the larger one that I could go out through!  The outside!  It was amazing.  Green things and warm sunlight that I could curl up in.  There was a fence around the place, but I was content.  For now…

The seasons went by, and I became the master of a new territory.  As my curiosity was insatiable, I found weaknesses in the fence and was able to escape the boundaries of my new home.  At first, I never went too far.  Always within eyesight.  But I met a new cat, and things changed.  Her name was Midnight.  She was all-black and very beautiful.  I was in awe.  It was like she was made in the night, with her yellow eyes that almost seemed to glow.  She was like no one I had ever met.  The two of us would go out into the neighborhood and explore.  My companion had a gift at exploration.  She always seemed to be able to find her way home.  I learned much from her.  We became bonded together.  Perhaps in the way that the humans at the house were.  Midnight and I explored everything, and the neighborhood became ours.
We made friends with other cats as well.  A little gang who were the owners of the night.  But we still had to be careful.  There were dogs in this neighborhood.  While they could not escape the fences of their homes the way we could, there were some who had no owners, and would wander the streets.  It became a very dangerous place sometimes.  We learned their patterns and how to avoid them.  It became just another simple problem to be dealt with in due time.  Still, risky stuff.

And that is where we were now.  We roll in our human’s underwear and yawn.  Since the lack of food in our stomach is now something of an issue, we decided to get up and alert the human as to our predicament.  We get up on the bed and walk over to where our human is laying on her stomach.  Not being subtle, I sit down in front of her face and rub her nose with my own.  It is the way that we both show affection and request attention.  Normally, this works.  This morning was no exception.  She awoke with a mumbling noise that betrayed some kind of annoyance.  She opens her eyes and lets out a loud frightened sound, which makes my flight-or-fight instinct kick into high gear and we go running from the bed.  The Michael human has been awoken as well, most worried.  The two humans start laughing about the situation as they rise from the larger bed.
Our human goes to the kitchen and grabs our bowl.  She puts some of the dry food into it.  This is not what we’d like, but we know that we will have to chance to get more soon.  After all, the probability is high that there will be bacon.  Our human regularly makes bacon when the Michael human does not leave early in the morning.
As our human reached up to the top of the while obelisk that they get their food from (how that works is beyond me), I saw something that genuinely changed my life – the “treats!”  These tasty morsels are sometimes given to me as a signifier of when I have done something that meets the approval of the humans.  I have yet to figure out a pattern to this.  There seems to be none.  However, I now have seen the container where they are kept!  This presents an opportunity.  However, this opportunity is risky.  After all, they are directly on top of the white obelisk.  How will I get up there?  As this concept was measured out in our head, I realized something – I would need Midnight for this.  It was a job that required more than one superior brain.  Part of me wondered how the humans were so clever as to set the treats up there.

Night came and I met up with Midnight on the steps to the house, looking excited.
“What’s got you all worked up?” she asked.
“I’ve found us an adventure!”
Her attention got perked.  “Ooo, what is it?!”
“Remember those tasty morsels that the humans fed us the other day?  The ones shaped like fish?”
Her brow furrowed as she thought, then brightened.  “Oh yeah!  Those were good.  But you said that you didn’t know where the humans kept them.”
My smile grew.  “I didn’t, until now!”
Instantly she got excited.  “Ooo, where?!”
“On top of the white obelisk in the eating room.  It is very high, so I will need your help in procuring it.  That’s what we’re going to be doing tonight!”
A worried look came to Midnight’s face.  “Won’t that be risky?  What if the humans discover us?  They’ll be mad.”
I gave her a wink.  “Oh come on, Midnight!  With your grace and our combined ingenuity, we can take this on!”
She smiled again, ready for mischief.  “Oh, alright.  Lead the way!”

We bounded back toward the eating room.  It was much quieter in the darkened halls.  For humans, the darkness is something to be nervous about.  For my kind, it is freedom.  We got to the white obelisk and looked up.
Midnight was in awe.  “Wow!  That’s really far!  How are we going to get up there?!”
I motioned toward the tops of the counters that were beside the obelisk.  We jumped up and moved over by the obelisk.  It wasn’t as far now.  But still too far to jump, and we couldn’t risk clawing our way up.  If we fail, either of us could fall to our doom on the floor.  Or, the clawing noise could awaken the humans.  We had to find a way up that didn’t involve getting injured or making excessive noise.  Easier said than done.  We looked around, trying to see what methods we had available to reach the top of the obelisk.  The pickings were sparse.  There was a tied bread product in a corner, along with the covered butter dish and some other bread products.  There was a mixer, but it was sleek and tall.  It was unlikely we could have gotten a grip on it.  There were a trio of things that looked like large covered pots.  Each of them was labeled with something in the human language.  I couldn’t tell.  They were in varying sizes from tallest to shorted.  The tallest one look pretty sizable.  A pity that it was so far away from the obelisk, or I could use it to…
“Look there!” I shouted.  Midnight ran over, looking excited.
“What is it?”
“This pot, the large one.  If we can maneuver it toward the obelisk, we can use it to get closer to the top!  Maybe even close enough to jump!”
She tilted her head to the side, as if confused.  “How would we get it over there?”
“We maneuver it over with our bodies.  It won’t be easy, but I believe we can do it.”
“But won’t the humans know if we do that?”
The thought hadn’t occurred to me.  The goal of this was to avoid suspicion.  One of their pots being moved next to the obelisk would be suspicious indeed.
“Hmm…”
Then she looked up.  “Wait a minute!  If we move it over, we can just move it back!  Right back to where it was.  The humans will be none the wiser!”
I smiled at her.  “Nice thinking!  Alright, let’s do this!”
We wedged our shoulders in to the pot.  It was hard work.  The pot was heavy, laden with some kind of power that we could see around the top.  The powder was falling off and getting on our fur.  This wasn’t good.  But we could just roll on the ground outside.  That should take care of the powder.  It took the span of many, many minutes, but we finally got the pot into place.  We were ready to begin the attempt!
Midnight could jump higher than me, so she volunteered to be the one to test it.
“What if it isn’t high enough?  What if I can’t make it over at first?”
I nodded.  “Then let go.  We don’t want to make too much noise.”
She looked like she understood.  “Alright.  Which container has the treats?”
I drew back, motioning for her to come with me.  “It has a large fish on it, in the same shape as the ones inside.  You can’t miss it.”
She looked up as well.  “Alright, I think I see it.  Let’s do it!”  The excitement was mounting.
She took her place on the pot, crouching down low.  Her claws dug in to the pot.  The tension was high enough to cut with a knife.
Then, she sprang!  Like a bird into the air, she went up.  My tail was still as I watched.  She did it!  She looked down and smiled, wanting to let out a roar of victory.  But we couldn’t.  Not now, anyway.  Very quickly, she got to work, grabbing the container with the treats.  She was on her hind legs, trying to open it.  Suddenly, it gave way.  My heart jumped inside as I saw her topple over.  She was on the edge of the obelisk!  Part of me was scared that this was the end.  But she got back up, looking down at me.  It was alright.  I could tell that look, and she was saying it was alright.
Plus, the toppling of the container had had the desired effect!  It was open, and the treats were falling out.  Even better, they were falling on the counter!  Over a dozen of them fell before it stopped.  I motioned for Midnight to come back down.  She looked so excited.  With perfect grace, she landed on the pot and then on the counter.  We walked over to where our bounty was, with me stepping back.
“You made the kill, so you eat first.”
She smiled and walked over, taking a bite.  I followed.  It was amazing!  There’s nothing quite like a meal that you have to work for.  The dry food the humans give me is nothing compared to this!  Though I didn’t know if this was better than the wet food in the metal containers that no claw could penetrate.  I had tried, on many occasions.  The two of us ate until we could eat no more, picking up the rest and taking them out to where we stashed food we grabbed.  It was a few trips, but we got everything to the stash in the dry place that they kept the machine that roared and they used on the grass.  We always got nervous, but the machine seemed to only roar when they made it so.  Perhaps it was angry at them.  But not us.

It was another long venture to move the pot back to its position, but it had to be done.  We knew this.  After we finished, the two of us went running out into the street.  What a night!  What a wonderful night!  I felt like a much younger cat again.  Midnight was a good deal younger than myself, being only 25 seasons old.  To be that young again.  But it was still a great night, and the two of us danced until we could no more, going back to my fence and laying on the grass to digest.  I would let the humans sleep in tomorrow.  I’d say they deserve that much.

The next day, the humans seemed very perplexed how the container of treats had fallen over.  They looked at me, but both just wrote that off as crazy.  After all, how could a cat get all the way up there?  If they only knew.

Until next time, a quote,

“In Venice in the Middle Ages there was once a profession for a man called a codega–a fellow you hired to walk in front of you at night with a lit lantern, showing you the way, scaring off thieves and demons, bringing you confidence and protection through the dark streets. ” -Elizabeth Gilbert

Peace out,

Maverick

The Six Roomates You’ll Have- For Girls

For the girls in my audience who have lived on their own.

lukathebarbarian

The Six Types of Roommates You Will Have- For Girls

Alright, your first apartment! Finally you can move out of your parent’s place and do whatever the hell you want! Get your nose pierced, sleep til noon, eat all the marsh mellows out of the Lucky Charms! It all sounds awesome, til you realize you can’t afford an apartment by yourself. Enter stage left- it’s your new roommate! A new friend…Well, maybe not….

 

6. The Slut/Party Girl

                In walks your new roommate, and as you see her start to unpack her stuff, you can’t help but notice most of her skirts barely reach her thigh, you’ve seen the color of her eye shadow on Law and Order corpses. With all the glitter and shiny things on the floor of her closet, you can’t help but wonder if there is a dragon in there guarding it. But, you try…

View original post 856 more words

The 10 People You’ll Meet in College

You’re out of high school.  You’re headed to college!  A bright new path lays ahead of you to meet people of class, sophistication and with whom you can have real, deep conversations!  But then, a year later, you realize something – these people are nuts!  This isn’t at all the world you were promised.  Instead, it’s crazy and kind of like high school.  For real, it has eerie similarities to it.  And these are the ten people that you are going to meet when you go there.

10. The Pious Angels
It was bad enough having to deal with these people in high school.  They would write essays that they would read to the class about how godless America was and how we all needed to turn to Jesus.  Thank god you’re done with that! (pun intended) Now you’re at college, where people aren’t as crazy as that, right?  Wrong!  You look on the message board to see what’s going on, and one of the first things you notice is – Bible study, meetings every week at the same time.  You learn to recognize them quickly.  They aren’t like you.  Their clothes are always exceedingly clean.  For the women, they often wear t-shirts with a cross or something like that on it.  For the guys, they are dressed in button-up shirts or a t-shirt that was custom-made by their church.  Dating one is a nightmare!  Underneath that devotion to Jesus, it turns out that repressing their sexuality made them grow a few kinks.  You wake up with whip marks on your back and a very sore ass.  If you’re into that, good for you.  If not, was it worth it?

9. The Engineering Majors
You’ll know them as the ones that have Sharpie on their arms.  You see the notes they have taken from class and you think to yourself – my god!  What evil math is this?!  When the hell did the letters and numbers do this?!  What evil being concocted this madness?!  These ones travel in packs.  They are always with other engineering majors.  It is almost all men.  If there is a woman, you shall see the other men following the woman around like a pack of sad dogs begging for scraps.  They always look like they are about to keel over.  They are unkempt, have bags under their eyes and a large percentage of their conversation is about how they are always busy.  Good thing you don’t go in with that crowd.  You remember the F you got in Algebra.

8. The Rich Kids
It must be so nice to have mommy and daddy paying your tuition.  You get to walk out with over $40,000 in debt!  You’ll notice this brood by the shades they’re wearing inside when it isn’t even a little bright outside.  Seriously, what are they trying to block?  The poorness?  Does it work like that?  They wear baggy shirts over their tighter shirts that show off their abs that they got working at the gym.  Naturally, only the most attractive females or males for these ones.  After all, if they aren’t wearing designer jeans that are in a size that compliments their tiny waist and big ass, are they really worth it?  Yes, people are quick to try and whore themselves out to these ones, with all their money and their dirt-free floormats inside their Jag that they got for the Sweet 16 birthday.  Did you see that on MTV?  It was sick?!  Yeah, it makes you sick.  Fucking bastard will have a free ride.  I mean, it’s not like they will eventually have to do real work.

7. The Sports Enthusiasts
That’s the nice term for these people.  They live sports.  They breathe sports.  If you are not up-to-date on who the latest players of the team that their group likes are, then you are a fucking dumbass who isn’t worth talking to.  They wear jerseys and usually have a hat with their favorite team’s logo on it.  When there’s a big game, you can see them gathered in common areas.  They are screaming loudly and high-fiving each time there is a goal.  What is so great about sports, anyway?  You wouldn’t know.  The burritos you got at Taco Bell certainly don’t know.  When’s the last time you were even in a place where exercise and sports happen?  But hey, don’t feel too bad.  Given some of the beer guts that you’ve seen on this lot, you don’t have to feel bad.

6. The Vampires
These are the kinds of people who you’ve only heard about in tales of old and bad cinema.  You think to yourself – there aren’t REALLY people who haunt the dark and never come out into the sunlight, right?  That’s just a negative stereotype.  Then you see them!  Dressed in black, skin like a corpse in Law and Order, sunken in red eyes, and oh my god – it hissed at me!  And yet, you never see them in class!  Do they come out of the darkness to feed and then return!  Now that you think about it, when was the last time you saw them in sunlight?  Just don’t ask, and pretend you saw nothing.  You’ll live longer that way.

5. The Party Girl
You know the one I’m talking about.  All of her shirts are cut in a way that you wonder if the boobs would fall out if she leaned over.  Her skirts barely come to her thigh.  Wait, she seriously wears that to class?  Wow, that’s kind of weird.  She has the same sunken in eyes as the vampire, but the club stamp on her hand leaves you not having to wonder where she is going.  You’ve lived in the dorms before.  You have heard this girl upstairs with the guy on the university’s basketball team.  Then there was the guy who you knew was in this band that played at bars, thinking they were going to hit it big someday.  The next night, she’s wandering the halls of the dorm when there is a party going on.  She’s drunk as a skunk and in her underwear.  On the one hand, you want to think she’s hot, but on the other, you get the feeling that she was the girl who ate the M&Ms during your abstinence-only sex ed that used them to explain what STDs you can get by multiple partners with different colors.

4. The Fangirls/Boys
We all have things we love.  That’s a normal part of life.  It’s cool when you can rally with your friends about how awesome the trailer for Final Fantasy XV was, or how awesome the new Assassin’s Creed looks.  But there are some people for whom restraint and moderation of what you love is just a dirty word that means you don’t love it enough.  They don’t just like things, they LOVE them!  You see them with the Attack on Titan theme as their ringtone.  They have the Doctor Who theme as the background on their laptop or phone.  They yell at each other about how much they agree that JK Rowling is a fucking bitch for saying that Harry Potter should have gotten with Hermoine!  They talk about the latest episode of Game of Thrones and how George R. Martin is the most awesome man who has ever lived.  Tolkien can suck it!  But wait, who the fuck said that?!  J.R.R. Tolkien is the most awesome writer of all time!  I speak Elvish!  Man, fuck Elvish!  That’s not even a real-sounding language!  I know Klingon and Romulan!  So fuck that fantasy crap!  Dude, fucking Trekkies!  Star Wars is where it’s at!  But only the original movies.  The prequels were pieces of shit that totally spit in the face of the spirit of the originals!
Whoa, kind of lost my mind there.  Whew, so yeah, these people are a real class act.

3. The Gamers
Ah, now here is some people you have some kinship with!  Finally!  You play video games.  You’re more of a story person, but I’m sure that they’ll be down with that.  I bet there are a lot of things you can discuss.  Wait, did you say you like story?  That must mean that you only are into RPGs, right?  What’s that?  You like some shooters too?  When has there ever been a story in those?  Well, at least you aren’t one of those Call of Duty jarhead-wannabes.  Right?  Dammit, these people are just like the fandom nerds!  Is there nobody with a level-headed opinion?!  What the fuck?!

2. The Sleepers
We’re not talking about spy thrillers and cool things like that.  No, you know what this group is.  You see them in the back of class every single class, face-down in their notebook or textbook.  It wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t occasionally erupt in snoring.  For real, why even come to class if you’re just going to pass out?  Why not just stay in bed?  I mean, half of the class doesn’t even show up unless there’s a test.  So why don’t they just stay home?  And if they’re not sleeping in class, they’re on one of the benches or a really comfy chair sleeping.  It’s noisy as fuck in here!  How do they sleep with all that noise?  That almost seems like a talent.  And when they wake up, you have seen more life from the living dead.  You keep expecting them to shout “brains!” half the time.  And given how much they want to copy other people’s notes, that’s not a total stretch.

And the top person you’ll meet in college is…

1. The Overachievers
You know this kind.  They’re always in the library with the entire table taken up by multiple textbooks, their laptop (with the Internet up on the database of your college library), a really expensive calculator and a dozen notebooks that are full of notes that have been taken in print so tiny that you can’t believe that it’s real!  You’ve tried to socialize with these people, but that has very negative results.  Their eyes are as sunken in as the vampire and party-girl’s, and they almost always have a couple of cups of coffee.  They are unkempt and look like they haven’t been properly nourished in ages.  You see one of them break out into sobbing tears when the library’s printer doesn’t print her project, which means that now they have to go somewhere else, which means they won’t be able to get the other things they have to get done done.  I have four other projects to do, dammit!  Why the fuck does life hate me so much?!  Wow, good thing that you are kind of a slacker.  I mean, it’s not like the debt you have is going to follow you around forever.  Right?

Until next time, a quote,

“She came back with people she said were family, but if they were family, then they clearly were doing some illegal and dubious shit!”  -My roommate on one of her roommates

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Review: Kingdom Hearts 1.5 ReMIX

Kingdom Hearts 1.5Another game that I haven’t gotten to play until now.  What can I say, I’m poor, I got bills and rent to pay, and I am studious about that.  That said, I am such a huge fan of the Kingdom Hearts franchise.  You have no idea how much it bugged me that they did nothing at E3 this year, when they came out so strong last year with a teaser for the third installment that we’ve been waiting over or close to a decade for.  Square Enix hasn’t really been jumping on the HD remakes of games for the PS3 the way other studios have.  This was their first big production, and up-front, some parts are amazing, other parts are awful.  Let’s get to it.

The first thing to talk about is how there are three games in one in this remix.  The first is Kingdom Hearts Final Mix.  It’s the final version of Kingdom Hearts that had a ton of stuff added on to it.  There are new enemy types and some new abilities.  The next one is an HD remake of the unofficial sequel, Chain of Memories.  Finally, there is Kingdom Hearts 358/2.  Or rather, the cutscenes of that game.  I’ll get into that soon enough.

So, let’s look at the first game.  For the three people who don’t know, the Kingdom Hearts franchise is, quite literally, Final Fantasy meets Disney.  So if some of these characters seem oddly mixed, now you know.  Let’s discuss the plot.  You have a young man named Sora who is living it up with his friends Riku and Kairi.  They are on this island and are building a raft to escape and see what other worlds are out there.  In the meantime, King Mickey has disappeared.  Donald and Goofy are tasked to go and find the bearer of a mysterious “key,” and to follow that person.  Just as Sora and the others are about to depart on their raft, tragedy strikes the island and their world is sucked into Darkness, with the three friends ending up separated.  Sora is given a mysterious weapon called the Keyblade, which he now must use to find his friends and save all worlds.

A lot of changes were made to the original game, and most of them work quite well.  The biggest thing one notices is the expansion of color.  The original Heartless and worlds were all kind of uniform.  A lot more color depth was given to them, and it pops.  Almost every time.  The new Heartless designs were awesome.  They even introduced a few new kinds, which is kind of cool.

One of the more subtle changes was the new soundtrack.  Little changes were made to the iconic tunes, and it almost always works.  Some of the tunes became much more appropriate for their world, where they seemed plain before.  That’s not to say that all tracks are improved, but overall, it’s still great.

The combat in the game isn’t especially complicated.  You have three people in your party, and you can only play as one of them.  It is in real time, with the player having to use the d-pad to control what actions you do.  With the fast pace of the battles, it can get a little overwhelming.

The best part of the game, however, is the characters and world.  Sora, voiced by Hailey Joel Osment, is now so iconic to this franchise that he’ll never be able to escape.  Him, Riku and Kairi would be irreplaceable with a different voice actor/actress.  Goofy and Donald are fun to listen to.  Some of the voice-work for the Final Fantasy characters is awesome.  While some Disney voice-work is the same as the films, the people they got who aren’t are often very good and sound good in their respective rolls.  Most of the time.

Next up is Chain of Memories, the second game on the disc.  This game is…well, let’s go over the plot first.  Following the events of Kingdom Hearts, a mysterious organization called Organization XIII is trying to unbind the memories Sora has in order to incapacitate him.  Meanwhile, Riku is battling with the darkness in his heart.  Yeah, it’s really complicated.  That’s something that a LOT of these side-games are guilty of.  And I can’t explain it without spoilers any easier.

This game is…awful.  Not gonna lie, it’s awful.  The game was originally in the for the Gameboy Advance.  There, the card battle system was still bad, but easier to work with.  Now, it just got worse.  Parts of the game are nigh unplayable.  While some of the bosses translated very well into 3D, the rest of the game was a mess, and there really isn’t much more to talk about there.

Finally, there is 358/2 Days.  I would talk about this game, but here’s one problem – it’s not a game!  For real, they removed all of the combat in the game and only put on the cutscenes.  That’s it.  It’s just a movie, and not a particularly interesting movie at that.  This game had no real purpose.  For real, every event that happens within it was inconsequential.  While it is neat to see the friendship between Organization members Axel and Roxas develop, there is nothing in this game that matters.  Nothing at all.

So, all-in-all, this set of games is a mixed bag.  I can’t judge this all as one thing, because that would be terribly hurt by the poorness of two of the three parts.  However, the original Kingdom Hearts is every bit as awesome as we remember, and definitely worth the time for those who want to play with nostalgia.  So, we shall give three Final Verdicts.

Final Verdict: Kingdom Hearts Final Mix
7 out of 10

Final Verdict: Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories
1 out of 10

Final Verdict: Kingdom Hearts: 358/2
0 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: WTF Square Enix?! (One More Time)

I am getting SO fucking tired of railing on these people!  What is wrong with the marketing department at this company?!  For real, whoever is heading up the marketing of their products should be fired, ASAP.  I say this for a very good reason.  Once-again, they have shit the bed, and it’s like they don’t get it.  Part of me is starting to wonder if they want to lose money.

At last year’s E3, the company came out in a big way with news about Final Fantasy versus XIII, which changed names to Final Fantasy XV.  They released a new trailer and some gameplay videos that got people screaming.  It was a great reveal.  They also released a teaser about Kingdom Hearts III.  A game that we have been waiting for for over a decade.  It was the perfect time.  With Square Enix having some budget problems following the disastrous first launch of Final Fantasy XIV and the lackluster cash-grab sequels to FFXIII, they were in need of some good press.

This year, everyone’s eyes were waiting on what they were going to put out next.  Me and mine were all so excited.  It was like they could do no wrong!  I mean, it’s not like the company would waste the single largest gaming expo, with all of the gaming press eager to listen and not talk about their most-anticipated games, right?  To do that would be a monumentally stupid decision on their part.  I’m sure no thinking company would be that dumb.  I mean, even if all they could give us is some lip-service, talking about where the games are in development, the fans would be glad to get something.

But I guess that that was asking too much for the developers at Square Enix.  For that is EXACTLY what they did!  In probably the stupidest PR decision ever made by a gaming company (aside from the lack of content about Batman: Arkham Knight, which was also a wasted opportunity), Square Enix decided to talk about every other pointless project they have that isn’t those two games.  Nobody cared about that stuff!  Nobody!  Not one person cared about if FF Type Zero was coming out on PS4!  How do you not see that?!  You even have the balls to release another trailer for Kingdom Hearts 2.5, without talking about the sequel that everyone has been so excited to play.  A sequel that we have waited for almost ten years, without hearing hardly anything, and you say nothing.  In addition to another game that we have been waiting nearly a decade for.  With your strong presentation at last year’s E3, to do this seems like such a stupid decision.

The head of the PR for both projects says that they didn’t feel that now was a good time to talk about it.  Are you kidding me?!  Now is the best time!  It doesn’t get any better than this!  Is making money passe now?!  With all your budget problems, do you really want to risk more customer runoff now?  Is it worth it?  Somebody should get fired over this decision.  It’s insane and such bad business.  We would love a new trailer, but even some discussion about them would be great.

The more I talk about this, the angrier I get, so let me just end this by saying – Square Enix, your belief that you can depend on our patience forever is going to sink your company.  Yes, I want those games, but they have been in development hell for so long and we have no idea when to expect them to finally be released.  It’s getting to a point where most players are just losing faith that we will ever get to see the games we have been so excited for for so long.  And that is NOT a place you want us to be.  Is it?

Until next time, a quote,

“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.”  -Anonymous

Peace out,

Maverick