I swore that I am never paying to go to anything associated with Star Wars again, and I meant it. But when my buddy called me up all sad and drunk and told me that he wanted to see it to take his mind off things and would pay my way, I decided that I would spend his money. No sweat off my back. After the shit-show that was The Last Jedi, this couldn’t possibly be as bad, right? Well, yeah, it really couldn’t possibly be as bad as that flaming pile of shit. But that doesn’t make it good. In fact, what I would describe this movie as is painfully average. It does nothing to surprise you, and is a boring movie to sit through. It’s so by-the-numbers that I could see where it was going long before I got there. Let’s talk about it.
The plot goes that instead of our boy Han Solo being some studious dude who happens to fall into crime (which is a story I would actually have liked, or at least SOME kind of inclination to who he was as a young person), he is already a criminal and working for another equally-grotesque crime boss. The film follows him as he goes from working for that boss, to being in the Imperial military, to then being back into crime with Woody Harrelson. Will he find all the iconic stuff from the other films and give a shit-ton of fan service so the Star Wars nerds can cum in their pants? Well no fucking shit. That’s a given.
The plot of this film is boring. However, let’s not talk about that. Instead, let’s talk about the things I liked. There is one thing on this list. It’s the dynamic between Chewie and Han. When I heard the horror stories about the actor playing the titular needing an acting coach because he sucked so bad, I immediately wrote this shit off. But then I was genuinely surprised. He wasn’t the worst. In fact, the moments where him and Chewie are getting to know each other and building up a repore are pretty great. It was the only time I felt ANY investment in the film, so kudos there.
Now we get to shit I hate. For starters – this movie is butt-ugly to look at. What the hell was the cinematography department doing? This is Ron Howard directing this, so it should NOT look this bad. This is worse than Suicide Squad. The presentation is so muted and boring and vanilla. Not one scene in the whole damn movie stands out for being visually interesting. If the plot and characters were more interesting, it could make up for a lot of that, but since they aren’t, it doesn’t. It genuinely blows my mind how crappy this movie is in the visuals department, from a director who I know knows what they’re doing.
Next up, the worst role in this film, by far, is Lando. This character was so insufferable to listen to. I don’t hold this against Donald Glover. NOBODY could make how awful this writing was work. And to Glover’s credit, he did try. But he is poorly written and I rolled my eyes a lot. So is his SJW-bot. SJW droid was the worst. I do not genuinely understand why they did this with this character. Of all the characters to have forced social justice bullshit, why the droid? Part of me wonders if it’s a parody. I expected Emilia Clark’s character to be all about that. But no, it’s the droid. I may have found the snarky droid in Rogue One to be fun, but this one is the worst. Oh, and the forced pansexuality of Lando was just awful too. It didn’t fit with the character given what we knew. All of that Billy Dee Williams charm, gone.
Oh, and speaking of side-characters, I couldn’t have given less of a shit about anyone in this film if I tried. The side-characters in Rogue One were kind of annoying, but at least they were memorable. Here, they’re just dull as dirt. No surprises. No memorable traits, aside from who plays them. I could do the Red Letter Media test on pretty much anyone in this movie and they would fail. Not a single one of them stood out to me, so when we have them dying, I didn’t really care. Who the fuck did? Given the fact that this film has bombed at the box office, clearly not many.
All things considered, this isn’t a terrible movie. It’s boring. So insufferably boring. I’ll admit that I was surprised that I didn’t hate the guy they got to play the titular character, but that’s it. And the repore he built up with Chewie was genuinely enjoyable to watch. That’s it. The rest of it sucked. I meant what I said about being done with Star Wars. But since I was spending my friend’s money (the amount I spent on concessions at the theater was just spiteful. I told him outright I was going to spend his money. There was no lie. He needed to be sobered up anyway, and movie popcorn is good for that.), I figured I should tell you all about it. Haven’t been able to build up the urge to actually do the review until now. I just didn’t know what to say.
Part of me thinks that Disney just bought this license to make quick cash of a couple billion dollars. But they aren’t managing it well. They are using this license to spread their faux-belief in SJW talking points, when anyone with a brain knows that Disney doesn’t ACTUALLY buy into this crap. They don’t give two shits about feminism and equality. They care about money, and right now the media is all about social justice and SJW feminism, so they pander to that. But make no mistake, once the pendulum swings back the other way, they will be shitting on social justice with the rest of the industry. That time is coming, by the way. The public is getting tired of it, and SJW culture eats itself. So the day is coming when all of this is done.
Meanwhile, all of the Star Wars films that could have been good idea, or stories set in that universe, are being ignored. All of this makes me think of the Star Wars game we never got – 1313. Sigh. If you wanna see this film, I guess you can, but I don’t get why you would. That’s all I got.
4 out of 10