Lucien’s Review: Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2

What a weird year for Marvel films.  Everyone says that they’re getting tired of all the Marvel films, because they’re so predictable and stale.  Part of me thinks that someone at Marvel heard that, and has been eager to change things up.  And wouldn’t you know it, but this year has delivered two very good films that may not have shaken the formula to its core, but at the very least have made things different enough to have people enjoying them more.  Nowhere was that more apparent than with the sequel to one of the funniest films in the MCU, Guardians of the Galaxy.  A film that not only had some surprisingly good character development, but a villain who actually caught me off guard.  Sure, the formula is there, but at least this film plays with it, and it actually feels like it is expanding on the lore of these characters, rather than just retreading old ground.  Let’s talk about it.

The plot goes that sometime after the events of the first film, the Guardians of the Galaxy are now for hire heroes that do nice things for pay.  Not a bad racket.  However, after Rocket decides to fuck things up for them because he can’t stop himself, Quill’s father comes back into the picture.  Backstories are explained, and characters’ true motivations are revealed.  A villain who actually has a motivation that isn’t just copy-paste comes up and now another battle is on to save the galaxy.  Like I said, it still has that formula, but it does it oh so well.

I’ve complained to no end how films are now basically just becoming endless CG bugs me, and I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t the case here.  This film is ALL about the CG.  It’s fucking everywhere.  That being said, it was still pretty.  I think the director knew that everyone would be noticing the constant CG so he took a very interesting tactic – use brilliant colors as a way to offset people’s disdain for it.  That’s pretty clever!  The same thing was used to good effect in Doctor Strange, though this film also had color used for comedic effect at times.  Constant, vivid colors was all over this movie, and I’m genuinely glad it was because otherwise I would have been rolling my eyes a lot over how fake so much looked.

Which is one one of my flaws.  It’s pretty clear that while Baby Groot was cute as fuck, he was never in the shot and everyone who pretended to interact with him wasn’t really interacting with him.  That was painfully obvious.  Plus, yeah, some of the sets were so blatantly just people in a room with green-screen absolutely everywhere.  I’m honestly glad I am not one of these people who watches making-of videos of movies, because I bet watching people just being in green rooms acting is both depressing and funny.

The film also brings back it’s truly fantastic soundtrack.  I love the musical choices in these film.  How each track is used also perfect goes with every scene that it goes into.  The opening is the most known and parodied, but there is a ton of places that each track is used well.  This director knows his stuff oh so well.

Speaking of, the comedy in this film is so on point.  It’s kind of nice to see a film where all the heroes are pretty much anti-heroes pretending to not be.  These people are such assholes!  I love it!  Every single character in this film is kind of a douche, but the chemistry between all of them is just fantastic.  My favorite is still Rocket.  This guy is such a dick.  He is the biggest anti-hero of them all, but the way he plays with that just makes him so lovable.  Maybe it’s that inner asshole in me who can’t get enough of it.  Hell, even Drax is funnier in this film.  His complete lack of a filter is just too perfect.  Plus, he said one of the most cathartic lines to me on a personal level.

“When you’re ugly, people love you for who you are. When you’re beautiful, you don’t know who to trust.”

For someone who struggles with body image issues due to balding that isn’t especially pretty, this strikes such a chord to me.  My self-loathing is a constant struggle.

Overall, this isn’t a perfect movie.  Yeah, the formula is still there.  But it still feels like a breath of fresh air.  I’m glad I got to see this on Netflix.  A good Spider-Man film and now a good sequel to a flawed original that takes it to the next level.  With the MCU looking to wrap up now that Infinity War is coming, I genuinely think I’ll be able to look back fondly on it.  Marvel caught lightning in a bottle, which DC is now pathetically trying to imitate.  What a shame.

Final Verdict
8 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

You Don’t Understand Blade Runner (A response to Anita Sarkeesian)

I never thought I’d be talking about this bitch ever again.  After she left video games, I figured she’d just disappear into some abstract corner of the Internet and I wouldn’t ever have to deal with her stupid views on topics that she clearly knows fuck-all about ever again.  But then The Drunken Peasants podcast subjected me to her latest video, where she decides to go after one of my favorite films, with her pathetic, paltry, pseudo-intellectual bullshit that shows that her ability to critically analyze themes in films has all the depth and size of a puddle in the parking lot of my apartment building.  Ugh!  I’ll have the video here, so you can see I’m not taking anything out of context.  Let’s talk about it.

She begins with saying that according to the original Blade Runner, the future is going to be racist, have flying cars, but oh boy, noodle shops!  Yeah, because that is TOTALLY what the ethnicity of Blade Runner was about.  You know, like how the lower world is a very ethnically diverse place, while the upper world is very white.  Huh, it’s not like that was a deliberate design choice that Ridley Scott made in order to symbolize the power gap over the time period the film was made.  Nope, not at all!  This woman can’t analyze anything in a way outside of her feminist lens that tells her that everything is bad unless it caters to views that, if we learned anything from her analysis of video games, are clearly contradictory.

After her TERRIBLE intro, she says that all the fans of the original film get to rejoice at the idea of a sequel.  Did she not follow the unveiling of that at all?  This sequel is being met with VERY fierce skepticism by the science-fiction community, as it should.  Hollywood has shown that they are bad at doing sequels and now Blade Runner is on the block.  Granted, they got the director of my favorite film of 2016, Arrival, to do this, and he has the cinematographer he had making Incendes and Sicario, the latter of which is one of my favorite films.  That does leave me feeling hopeful, but let’s hear more about what Anita has to say about this great science fiction cinema landmark.

Now we get to her “burning questions” Blade Runner introduced.  Like “shouldn’t there be more Latinx people in Los Angeles.”  Okay, stop.  Can we PLEASE stop using the term “latinx?”  It sounds like you’re talking about Kleenex, for one.  For another, there was a surprisingly good point brought up on The Drunken Peasants.  See, here’s the thing about Latino and Latina – in old romantic languages based off Latin, words are made to have different genders assigned to words depending on who is speaking and who or what is being spoken about.  It’s part of those languages’ cultural heritage.  Now we have some fucking white people coming in and saying “no!  You can’t have these distinguishing features because that’s not inclusive enough!”  Aren’t you the ones who stress out your fucking ass that we need to have respect for other cultures?  Sure doesn’t seem like you respect their language.  Maybe you need to check your privilege, white bitch.

After going on for a while, it’s pretty clear where this entire video is going – sex robots are bad and promote sexism.  Funny, I just saw an article where it talked about how women are going to replace men with sex robots in the future and didn’t paint that as a bad thing.  Funny how it’s only wrong when men do it.  Groj, I just wish she’d come out and say she’s a man-hater.  Can you please, Anita?  It’s so obvious where this video is going, and you even say that we’re about to be approaching a future in Blade Runner where biomechanical androids exist and men abuse them.  Unreal.  It’s funny, Anita makes fun of the men who have difficulty dating, whether it be to personality flaws, or to them being shy and scared of interacting with people, and mocks them for it.  How many socially awkward women who would seek a robot for companionship would she mock?  What a sexist harpy.  As with all modern feminists – it’s only sexist when men do it.

She then makes the argument that the film has good ideas, but it looks at them from the perspective of white men.  Yeah, I guess that’s true, unless we want to ignore the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE!  For example, one of the most interesting elements of the lower world is the language of the city.  The police officer who originally takes Deckard in speaks it.  It’s an amalgamation of all the languages spoken on the lower level.  Roy Batty may be played by a white man, but look at what his role in the film is – a slave.  He is part of a slave race.  Skin color be damned, he’s part of a slave race and is desperate to stop his inevitable death.  Even when he gets to see the head of Tyrell Corporation, the conversation about his demise doesn’t go well and you have no idea if Tyrell told him the truth at all.  To say that this film focuses exclusively on the perspective of white men is fucking ignorant, and also denies all the perspectives of the film from all the various characters.  But hey, let’s simplify it down to the color of people’s skin.  Because that isn’t fucking racist at all.

We get to hear next how the two female replicants are a metaphor for modern day misogyny.  Wrong!  They are representations of the exploitation of women in subjugated classes.  There was a time when all women in this country were a lesser class.  Hard to argue that.  But the entire narrative of the replicants is that they are a species separate from us who are being subjugated by the humans who created them.  It’s a story about power relationships and how there will always be those in power using their power over those without.  These two female replicants are not some metaphor for the “patriarchy.”  They are part of a larger narrative of those in power destroying the lives of those without, and how when we are out of peoples to conquer, we shall create power dynamics to have.  Like I said, Anita’s ability to critically analyze things has all the depth of a fucking puddle.

Then she talks about the scene with Deckard and Rachel.  All it is in her mind is – he assaulted a woman.  Since she clearly can’t analyze this film, let’s inform the class of how stupid that perspective is.  The narrative of this film is that replicants are lesser than humans.  It’s the belief that our entire species has.  Deckard is a bit hard to follow because he seems to have at least some regard for the replicants and doesn’t want to continue killing them.  However, he is still part of a species that sees them as lesser and deserving of death (even if he is a replicant himself, which is left unclear for a very good reason).  Is the scene with these two very jarring and uncomfortable?  Yup.  Anita criticizing the music is her not being able to see that the music there was a deliberate choice to make the scene more uncomfortable.  Everything in the film is deliberate.  Deckard using his power over Rachel was a sign that he is at least partially just as brainwashed as the rest of society and chose to exercise his power over someone who couldn’t fight back because she had nowhere else to go.  It does make him look like a bit of a bad guy, but the thing is – that was deliberate.  It was meant to tell the audience that even a character who you are supposed to root for is still human and subject to the same forces the rest of us are.  I hate Anita so much.  She is shitting all over a movie I love because it’s pretty fucking clear she doesn’t understand it.

One thing Anita says that just blows my mind – the film isn’t about the women.  No shit, moron!  It’s about the replicants!  It’s about members of a subservient race who are being hunted by a society that says that they aren’t allowed on Earth, on pain of death!  I just love how this imbecile has made it out to be like these three female characters don’t matter to the script at all.  Does this bimbo have any awareness of how themes work?  Any idea how to critically analyze media?  Of course not.  Her Master’s thesis basically sucked the cock of everything Joss Whedon has ever made, back in the day.  He isn’t exactly writing Shakespeare.

We also have some other white person who can’t critically analyze issues of race, either.  Race doesn’t enter at all into the film?  No, because the fact that the lower world is very ethnically diverse and poor, while the upper world is very white and wealthy isn’t a look into racial ideas at all!  Ugh!  Background texture?!  It’s one of the central themes at play, you fucking moron!  Roy and the replicants have to hide in the lower world because they are also part of a lesser class.  Except in the film they are even lesser than the oppressed classes of the lower world.  That’s the fucking point!  Rachel is part of the upper world until she realizes that she is a replicant.  After which she has to go down to the lower world because now she is lesser.  Do you not get anything to do with this movie?!  How did that escape your notice, oh wonderful feminist one?  Aren’t you the idiot who says that your research is “double and triple-checked”?!  Clearly not because I’m not some film school graduate and even I can pick up on this!

This was stupid.  It’s nice to see that her analysis of movies is just as shitty as it was about video games.  I hate this woman and her videos.  Please stop shitting on one of the greatest science fiction films of all time.

Until next time, a quote,

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.” – Roy Batty, Blade Runner

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: Why So Little Posted?

Hey there, everyone.  You’re probably wondering – why are you posting so little?  Well, here’s the thing – I don’t have much to talk about.  I’m currently watching Ken Burns’ new documentary The Vietnam War, and will be doing a review on it soon enough.  It’s a truly superb work, that you should check out on PBS.org.  Trust me, it will be worth your time.  It’s one of the most tragically-misunderstood conflicts in history, and a huge black mark against this country that shows that our attempts to control our little world always make things worse.  We really need to stop.

As for what’s been happening, I honestly have no dog in this fight.  The more I watch President Trump go on Twitter and play chicken with Kim Jong Un about who is going to blast who first, the more I realize that this country is bananas.  I love when North Korea’s prime minister called Trump “full of meglomania.”  A couple of things.  1. Good point, but 2. Isn’t this kind of like the pot calling the kettle black?  It really feels that way.  Just wondering if someone will post a comment about that being racist.  Anything to do with the color black anymore is racist.

Speaking of, I didn’t really care about PewDiePie’s usage of the word “nigger.”  That’s right, I didn’t go “the n-word.”  Context matters.  I used a word that he used in the context of him using it.  Am I suddenly a racist?  George Carlin had a great bit about this.  Here’s a link.  Was what he said in poor taste?  Sure.  Do I care?  Not really.  He’s a let’s player who got rich off it.  His channel means nothing to me.  With that in mind, that meant absolutely dick.

What about all this kneeling shit with the NFL?  Surely I have opinions about that, right?  Nope.  Couldn’t possibly care less.  I really couldn’t.  People who throw a ball around have opinions about kneeling during America’s theme song.  Do all you patriotic motherfuckers get up off your fat ass when it comes on during a football game and put your hand over your heart?  No!  I’m sure some idiot will find this and comment “I do!”  Well good for you.  You’re probably the only fucking one.  Some overpaid asshole on a field kneeling for America’s theme song means about as much to me as whatever the drunk Native idiot was spewing at my local Fred Meyer’s while he was being shoved into a police car.

Maybe I can talk about the novel I’m writing.  It’s true, I am.  May post a chapter or two form it on here, but probably not.  Been having a little writer’s block lately.  Been uninspired.  But hoping to get some back this weekend to finish a chapter.  I told a dear friend before she went to basic for the Navy that I would be finishing it before she got home.  Hooyah!

What other stupid controversy am I seeing that people feel the need to insist I talk about?  None that comes immediately to mind.  I think I covered them all.  Still seeing shit about this kneeling nonsense with President Dumbshit feeling the need to get his butthurt on.  I swear, the only political figure more thin-skinned is the one that he’s playing chicken with in terms of who will nuke who first.  Thank Groj the Chinese said they want no part of this.  That tells me that we won’t have World War III.  I think everyone has realized that Kim Jong Un is crazy.  But there won’t be a nuclear strike from him.  I guarantee that if he actually goes the distance with ordering a nuclear strike, one of his generals will blow his fucking head off and call America up and be like, “hey!  Any chance we could totally de-escalate this shit?”

So, what do you think?  I’m leaving the floor open to you.  Tell me what I should write about.  What stupid shit in the news do you think is worth my time.  Leave a comment and I will actually genuinely consider it and let you know if I pick it or not.  If nothing strikes my fancy or annoys me enough to get me to write, I won’t.

Until next time, a quote,

“There’s a nice campaign slogan for someone – the public sucks, fuck hope!” – George Carlin

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Left Alive – First Gameplay Trailer (2018)

What do you get when you take some of the creative minds behind the Metal Gear franchise and team them up with Square Enix?  You get a game that is set in another game’s universe, and seems to combine action, survival, and mechs.  The concept behind this game is “action survival,” a unique premise that has a lot of potential.  The world looks grim and depressing, set in a kind of alternate universe Croatia, with multiple EU’s battle for supremacy using mechs.  Not much is known about this game from the trailer, but it’s got me intrigued.  And I guess I won’t have to wait too long.  For just now debuting this game, they aren’t making players wait long.  Hopefully that means some cool trailers in the not too distant future to see what kind of game this is.  Let’s talk about it.

We start off with a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky.  He’s written many times about the nature of war and man, with the implication always being that we are violent animals and that hope is a fool’s errand.  Nice.  We see this quote is well-used, as we see a violent battle taking place in a snow-filled Eastern European nation.  A giant mech with giant bullet casing falling to the ground is blasting apart a target while a soldier in armor is on foot by its foot.  The text seems to implicate that humanity is nearing its end because we have learned nothing and continue the endless cycle of killing.

From a mech we see a character who definitely looks the part of a haggard Russian stumbling out.  Is this a protagonist?  An antagonist?  Who can say.  The details are spare here.  They definitely seem to be dismayed as they look upon all the destruction around them, only to look up and see helicopters carrying mechs ahead, looking to continue the battle.  Alright, so we got some grim imagery and themes at play about war and the nature of mankind.  You can see the Metal Gear influence here.  I am digging this.  Especially as Konami has decided to have their flagship series now have unicorn zombies.  What a fucking joke.

Then we see what little gameplay footage there is.  A lot of darkness, hiding, and sneaking.  I get the feeling being a tiny human opening fire on a mech is a bad idea.  This is very interesting stuff.  If people who have worked on the Metal Gear franchise are using that sort of gameplay in a game about mech warfare, that can only lead to good things.  Very excited to see what comes out next about the game.  We shall see.

Initial Verdict
Intriued

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: Star Trek: Discovery Does Not Have the First Black Lead or First Female Lead!

I fucking hate modern news.  I really do.  It’s basically just a giant SJW and far-right circle-jerk.  Whatever your preference, there’s something to jerk you.  Some click-bait trash to tell you how right your beliefs are about the world and how you need to inform everyone else about how right you are.  It’s amazing.  Now we have that coming into play with the new Star Trek series that looks kind of crappy, truth be told.  According to an article in The Independent, it has the first black lead.  Here’s a link, see for yourself.  “Journalism” in 2017.  Too fucking lazy to do a two second Google search!  UGH!

I guess Capt. Benjamin Sisko, who helped lead the fight against the Dominion and won a war using some really dark methods didn’t exist?  I guess we’re going to pretend that he isn’t real if we look the other way?  A character who is a total badass and clocked Q in the face?!  He isn’t real, The Independent?!  Two seconds on Google would show you how fucking stupid you are!

But that isn’t the worst of it.  Then there are the ones who made this chick out to be the first female lead in a Star Trek series ever.  Wait, wait?!  Did you hear that, Capt. Katherine Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager?!  You don’t exist!  Now I already can see the revisionist history with these publications quickly going in and changing it to female black lead.  I fucking guarantee it.  For the days when a publication would print something that stupid, they had to print a fucking retraction and look really dumb.  We could all look at the author and laugh at their lack of integrity.

Social justice is the worst.  A lot of people are saying now that anti-SJWs are worse than them, and there are plenty of people who live down to that reputation.  However, the real villain that I see is these people who play revisionist history with everything they touch.  What’s that?  There haven’t been any strong female characters before Katniss Everdeen in teen fiction?  What’s that?  Before Wonder Woman there haven’t been any strong female characters in comic book films?  Whatever their little pet issue is, they can rewrite history to fit their narrative.  Video games have been putting up with this crap for years.  All the little Anita Sarkeesian wannabes (and the woman herself before she left the gaming sphere to take on fruit that no one really cares about) who want to tell us how gaming has never had any strong female protagonists before whats-her-name from Gone Home.

I hate that we live in this culture.  I truly do.  Because there’s no ability to look at anything with a nuanced perspective.  Rather than appreciating a good character in a good piece of fiction, now they have to be some great cultural milestone.  Rather than just admit that 2016’s Ghostbusters was a festering pile of shit, it is somehow empowering to women because queef joke or some fucking thing.

The more that I see shit like this, the more I realize that art is dying out.  Instead of having people who can come together and look at something just admiring it for this reason or that reason, people in the media have to sing praises left and right.  Well, they don’t have to, but know that incendiary titles get clicks.  Saying this chick is the first black lead will get a ton of people clicking, all so they can go into the comments and fight it out about Capt. Sisko.  Modern media is being designed in order to get the most clicks that one can.  Hence why I try and avoid it.  Granted, sometimes it’s impossible to talk about something without sounding incendiary.  I mean, I did title this that I disagree with the premise of whats-her-name being the first black lead.  Waiting to see who comes in to claim my being too lazy to look up that chick’s name to put in there makes me a racist.  Because after all, in the age of making everything under the sun racist, me making a statement might as well join the pantheon of screeching idiots online.

No one can just like things anymore.  Granted, I admittedly over-analyze things.  But there’s a reason – because I really want to dive into stuff that I love or stuff that I hate.  It’s part of my enjoyment of a medium.  And I leave myself open to having my views challenged.  But the moment you start telling some of these morons that their views are wrong, you get the ardent defenders who have to champion social justice talking points just because they exist.  All the “check your privilege!” retards.

In an age where we have an anti-fascist group who has the same ideology as the Nazis they claim to be against with might making right, and how this could very well lead to a civil war, is it any surprise that nuance is gone from the public discourse?  If it is, it shouldn’t be.  But in the meantime, learn to Google, you dumb shits!

Until next time, a quote,

“What are you waiting for, people?  Carry out your orders!” – Capt. Benjamin Sisko, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Unpopular Opinion: I Hate Star Wars (Blame the fans)

There’s this new supervisor at my job.  I kind of love this guy.  Unlike my immediate supervisor, who I am almost-certain is not a fan of my hatred of my job and my hatred of our clients, the latter of which I go to NO effort to hide, until I am on the phone.  Then there isn’t a single client who doesn’t think I want to help them with their problems.  My professionalism is perfect.  Flawless.  To date, I have gotten people who only hear me on the phone to believe that I love my job and love to help people.  Even the biggest assholes who call up just to be cock-suckers, I treat them with the same level of professional courtesy.  But once I hang up that phone, there’s a lyric from a song that I have going in my head for virtually every client –

Please end your fucking life.  Please end your fucking life.  I really have to emphasize, no one cares if you’re alive.

For anyone who wants to call in to child support, if you are one of the nice people, keep in mind that when I think that way, it’s because of the ten assholes who called before you.  Don’t take it personally.  Unless you are one of the assholes.  In which case, see the lyrics I presented previously.

But our new supervisor is a swell guy.  He takes my negativity and makes it into a jab at my own expense.  I dig it.  Though I can tell that he only has so much he can take.  He doesn’t understand that I don’t feel joy.  At all.  Happiness is a fleeting thing in my world because of brain damage.  I don’t feel positive emotions the same way he does.  But the guy is trying to get it.  I’ll give credit where it’s due.

Something about him – he hates Star Wars.  Something that annoys the immediate supervisor to no end, since she is in love with it, or a gay coworker who shares my given first name since he is the same.  The conversations about this film series really got me to thinking.  Here’s the thing – I hated Episode VII and Rogue One.  The first was a second-rate remake of the original film, except with a chick, and the other was a boring retelling of a story where we know how it would end before it got started.  I see the previews for Episode VIII and I’m like – who cares?  Why should I care?  It’s just gonna be a remake of Empire Strikes Back.  Disney is saying that this film will be different and it will take chances *cough*bullshit!*cough*

I just can’t bring myself to care.  Hell, I’m never gonna Netflix it.  Why would I?  I’m just so done with this franchise.  And the people I blame for this are the fans.  When Episode VII premiered, I got to watch a YouTube I respected start crying.  Fucking crying!  Over a movie that is almost entirely ripped off with some fan service thrown in just so they could say “look!  This is just like those other movies!  You all liked them, right?!  Yeah, I did.  I still do, at least a little.  But this franchise has become a complete clusterfuck, with all the fans singing praises for these new movies.  Why?  Because the most common argument I hear is – but they’re so much better than the prequels!

Sure, they are.  But here’s the thing – the prequel trilogy was a dumpster fire.  There are a TON of films better than those.  It’s hard to be much worse.  Why would I heap on praises for the new films just because they are better than films that are on par with the Transformers sequels?  I could say that the original Transformers film is better than the prequels, and that is a true statement.  But does that make it a good film?  Not really.  It’s generic popcorn cinema, but that’s it.  Funny, that’s the term I’d use to describe Episode VII – generic popcorn cinema.  However, because it’s Star Wars, it’s just amazing!  Yeah, look at that retarded lightsaber that Kylo Ren uses!  Or hey, look at the this villain who is a petulant man-baby!  That sure is neat.  Oh, and we have a chick protagonist now!  She sure is an interesting character, what with her nullodramatic acting and stoic personality that is as interesting as American cheese.  Oh, but there’s the Millenium Falcon!  That’s cool, right?  What’s that?  It’s blatant fan service just to get the nerds to cum in their britches?  Okay.

If only the fans were objective about it.  Episode VII and Rogue One are average films that are just fine if you are one of those people who can turn your brain off and watch the pretty lights and shit blow up.  If you actually want engaging science fiction, they are the last thing.  Makes sense with Episode VII.  J.J. Abrams can’t direct anything other than popcorn entertainment.  But no!  They’re masterpieces of cinema!  They are ripping off the fucking plot of better movies wholesale!  I mean, they’re better than the prequels!  That counts for something, right?

Wrong!  Not in my eyes.  They’re generic, boring, cookie-cutter films.  If Disney were intellectually capable of making something that wasn’t a cookie-cutter film, what a wonderful world it would be.  But then people might get mad because it doesn’t appeal to the largest audience possible.  Say what you will about the original films, at least they knew they were going to appeal to a niche.  But since we live in an age where fucking hipsters drown us all in nostalgia praise, everyone has to love this new film because it does the same goddamn thing as the originals do.  Because who cares about originality?  The millennials have turned their brains off enough as it is.

So yeah, I hate this franchise now, and you can blame the fucking fans.  Meanwhile, great ideas like 1313 died because Disney can’t have a project that isn’t kid-friendly.  That would hurt their precious fucking image.  Groj forbid that people actually want something new and unique.

Until next time, a quote,

“When change does not happen and bread and butter issues tackled – people become cynical and disillusioned.” – Tony Leon

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR/Lucien’s First Take: Sky – Teaser Trailer (thatgamecompany)

My favorite Indie game of all time is Journey.  It was made by thatgamecompany.  They’re a company with a penchant for doing unorthodox things with the medium.  They prefer artistry and unique control schemes.  Whether it be the abstract yet undersea quality of flOw, the pure visual poetry that was Flower, or the absolute narrative and visual perfection that was Journey, this company has shown that they will take good concepts and run with them in strange ways.  I’ve been waiting to see what their next big game was going to be.  Well, the wait is over.  They’ve released a trailer.  Let’s take a look!

Alright, so we got this character who looks a lot like the hooded nameless character in Journey.  They seem infinitely more spry and happy than him.  Alright!  So where does this game take place?  You open up and see this massive island in the sky!  Oh hell yes!  The visuals on this game are a cut above. Our character glides down, and there are others!  Lots of others.  So I’m guessing a multiplayer component much like that in Journey, on this time with more people.  That’s cool.  It’s pretty clear that this game is taking a lot of cues from its predecessor, but that’s not at all a bad thing.  After all, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

They take off from a platform and we have flying mechanics!  Oh hell yes!  But the trailer’s over?!  That’s not cool!  I wanna see more!  They totally got me salivating.  Alright, let’s watch to the end and see if they have a release date.  Since this company has been pretty tight with Sony up ’til now, I’m not worried about being able to get it on my PS4.  So when will it be coming out?!

I’m sorry, maybe I didn’t see that right.  “Coming Soon to Apple iPhone, iPad, and Apple TV.”  Are you fucking kidding me?!  What the fuck is this shit?!  Not only are they making it exclusive, but it’s exclusive to shitty Apple products?  It’s not even specific to a console, but their shitty mobile products?!  What the fuck is this shit?!  I’m seeing articles by Polygon where they’re saying it will come to Apple first.  Where is the basis for first?  I looked on the website and on statements by the devs.  Everything points to this being exclusive to those outlets alone.  I’m not seeing anything about a wider release.  This is bullshit!

Look, I get the idea of exclusives.  I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never get to play Cuphead on my PS4, even though it looks absolutely fantastic.  That’s just how it goes.  But why the fuck is it exclusive to this crap?  What if I don’t want to fork over the money for this?!  What if I don’t want to have to shell out hundreds of dollars for crappy Apple products to play a game from my favorite company?  I’m sure that Apple paid BIG dollars for this neat little scam.  Well fuck.  I guess I’m not going to get to play this game then.  Because I don’t want Apple’s overpriced devices or their fucking overpriced TV.

I’m kinda curious what happened between thatgamecompany and Sony.  They always seemed to be tight.  I wonder if there was a falling out.  Maybe Apple offered more money?  If that’s the case, then I bet my bottom dollar that the games they make for the foreseeable future will be exclusive to their mobile garbage too.  Well fuck you, Apple!  You won’t sucker me into buying your second-rate phones or TV that will break and I have to shell out even more money for a replacement.  Nope!  It genuinely hurts to see this be how my time with thatgamecompany ends.

Initial Verdict
Fuck Apple

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Review: Death Note (2017)

Fuck this movie.  Fuck this fucking movie right up its ass.  This is the worst.  The absolute worst.  How terrible the live-action Japanese versions were should have been a big clue as to why this film wasn’t going to work.  The insanely over-the-top nature of the anime does NOT translate well into film.  So when you combine that with TERRIBLE American writers and a director who clearly has no talent for directing, then you end up with this pile of shit.  Yet-another anime adaptation to add to the pile.  Can whoever posed the idea of Akira being adapted into American take a fucking clue from this?!  They’re all bad!  Every last American adaptation has sucked, without a SINGLE exception.  Just like every video game adaptation has sucked.  When will Hollywood learn?  Wait, this wasn’t Hollywood’s fuck-up.  This was Netflix’s fuck-up.  I don’t have streaming here, but a friend invited me over to see it, and holy shit, it’s bad.  I hate when things I love get turned into shitty adaptations, and this was no exception.  There is so much to talk about, so let’s get to it.

The plot goes that Light…Turner (fuck that name) has the Death Note given to him by Ryuk.  That’s right, instead of Ryuk being bored one day in Shinigami Land and sending the book to Earth not caring who picked it up, in this version he gives it to Light and implies that he is the chosen one.  One of the many ways they fuck over EVERY SINGLE character in this film.  But instead of seeing this book as a way for him to create a world dedicated to his own personal sense of justice and becoming a genocidal monster in the process, Light decides that he’s going to impress a girl!  That’s right, instead of his character being a genius whose sense of morality becomes a twisted nightmare, he’s a pathetic high school loser who wants it is implied is just being used.  More on that later.  Then we get a dumbed-down version of L who is going to stop him.  Who wins?  Do you care?  If you do, you really haven’t been paying attention.

Nothing in this movie is good, aside from Willem Dafoe’s voicework as Ryuk.  Speaking of, let’s go into how every single character is fucked over.  So many people are going to say “it’s an adaptation!  You shouldn’t compare it to the original!”  Yeah?  Well then change the fucking name!  Light is turned from a genius who decides he is going to become a God under the assumed name of Kira into a pathetic angst-y teenager who is almost-certainly being led around with no agency of his own.  Whether it be Mia (their terrible version of Misa), or Ryuk, he always seems to be on someone else’s leash.  Did the idiot who directed this even see the anime?  Fuck this movie.  Light is not some brilliant mastermind.  In the anime, he is a calculating genius, who makes every move according to a plot to best the greatest detective of all time.  Every relationship in his life is part of a calculation, along with everything he ever does.  Part of what makes him so compelling as a character is how his urge to become a god ends up destroying the lives of every single person he touches, and he by the end he laughs his ass off about it.  In the film, he’s a pathetic pawn being used by pretty much everyone around him.  All of the brilliance of the cat-and-mouse game between him and L is gone.

Oh, let’s talk about L.  Do I care that they made him black?  Not even a little.  What I care about is the fact that they made him so pathetic.  I guess the director saw how he is in the anime and took that to mean that he isn’t socially awkward in the extreme and on the autism spectrum.  In this film, they decide to him him so pathetic that he has to have a song played to him to fall asleep.  This version of the character is pathetic.  That’s the only word for it.  You never sense this genius mind clouding a sense of detachment, which makes him believing that he is making a connection with Light so tragic.  He believed he had found a friend, and at the very end he realizes that he was just being used by Light.  In his last moment, he looks into Light’s eyes and sees that it was all a lie, and him and his companion died for it.  There are plenty of ways this character could have been 1000X better and been black.  The color of his skin had NOTHING to do with how pathetic and stupid this character was.  If anything, this actor is very competent.  I bet with better writing, he could have sold this a lot better.

Then there’s Mia.  A spin on the Misa character from the anime, here they make her out to be something of a force acting on Light, compelling him to do bad things with the Death Note.  Because we can’t have any of the morally gray stuff from the anime.  Everything has to be clearly black and white.  Fuck this movie.  The fact that so much of what initially makes Light use the Death Note is to please her just irks me.  In the anime, she was an insane groupie of Kira.  She was in love with him and would do anything, absolutely anything to please him.  To the point that she cut her own lifespan in half to get the Shinigami eyes.  But in the end, she realizes that she was used, just like everyone else, and it’s implied that she kills herself.  Another of those relationships that were nothing but a tool to Light and nothing more.  Can’t have that morally gray stuff in the film.  Doesn’t help that this chick acted like she should be in a sitcom.  Ugh.

Let’s talk about Ryuk.  Do you like Willem Dafoe’s Green Goblin voice?  Well, he does okay with it here, so you can enjoy his vocal performance.  But here’s what pisses me off – in the anime, Ryuk isn’t on Light’s side.  He isn’t on anyone’s side.  When Light’s gambit is up, and he reaches out to Ryuk to help him, he outright says that he won’t.  Early on in the series, he helps Light out, not out of a sense of loyalty, but because he finds the game that’s going on interesting and realizes that if he doesn’t tell Light about the security cameras in his room, the game will end abruptly.  In the film, he’s painted as seeing Light as the chosen killer, and even compels him to do things.  Once-again, you can’t have all that morally gray stuff about Light seeing himself as a god and believing his genocidal rampage as a way to express that.  That might make audiences question who is the good guy.  We gotta see our protagonist as virtuous at all times.

Oh, and then there’s the book itself.  In the anime, Kira’s chosen method of killing is heart attacks.  There’s a reason – to show that these people are being killed and it’s him doing the killing.  It’s a way to spread the fear all over the world because no one knows who would be killed next.  In the movie, the vast majority of deaths are done through these Rube Goldberg machine ways of dying that REALLY make me think back to the Final Destination ways of dying.  It’s like the film wanted to show off the gore.  Funny, they want to have violent deaths, but no moral ambiguity.  The exact opposite of the show, which had very contained deaths, but a TON of moral ambiguity.  I guess someone assumed American audiences can’t handle that.  Fuck this movie.

As a fan of the anime, this film spits in the face of everything that made it great.  But let’s take that away.  Let’s pretend that the anime that this director halfheartedly riffed on never existed.  This film still sucks.  The performances are boring.  The motivations make no sense.  I’ll give that Light in the anime went from zero to Little Hitler in the span of a few moments.  But the series took the time to explain why he had this viewpoint.  Plus, there was the moral ambiguity of the battle between Light and L, where the body count gets higher and higher, and the audience is left wondering if either one is a truly good person.  In this film, the motivation is that Light is being manipulated by the people around him, with little agency of his own.  That’s boring!  Give me a reason to care why he’s so evil.  L is also a bad character, written to be so incapable of surviving on his own that he has to be taken care of.

I hate this movie, and can someone please make a note somewhere that American adaptation of anime don’t work so we can stop it, already?!

Final Verdict
2 out 10

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Tingle Trailer Pre Alpha

There are days, growing in number, when I think that the real failure of GamerGate was that we gave a platform to the stupidest and most corrupt part of video games.  After all, the disgusting, amoral horse-face known as Brianna Wu is running for Congress.  Can’t wait to watch her get destroyed in debates.  We also gave the talentless hacks like Zoe Quinn a platform as a “game developer.”  Because if her choose-your-own-adventure “game” Depression Quest didn’t show you what a great talent she is, then the fact that she has a new Kickstarter project that has over 2,000 people who have donated should give you pause.  What is this project for, you ask?  Well, why should I tell you, when I can show you instead.  The phrase cringe-worthy is so overused these days, but it’s so fucking fitting.  Get ready to cringe until you have no capacity left to cringe.

Let me put this in context for you – 2,000 people have donated to this.  That’s right, at least 2,000 people wanted to see this.  That is assuming Quinn didn’t use sock puppet accounts to make it look better than it is.  We learned that she will use sock puppet accounts to get what she wants.  Like during that very mature fight she had with Candace Owens.  However, let’s give this madness the benefit of the doubt and assume that over 2,000 people actually saw this and were like, “yeah, this seems like a worthwhile cause.”

What will they be getting for their money?  Well, I’ll tell you – this insane bullshit!  A full-motion game that didn’t learn from the fact that full-motion games were universally terrible.  And what is this game about?  Well, as we learn from the opening scene, it’s about pounding ass!  That’s right, this game apparently is about the “Tingleverse” where gay sex abounds and I’m assuming Tom Cruise is working at a fudge factory packing fudge.

I, I don’t get this.  Who is this appealing to?  Who thinks this is funny?  What’s the joke?  That you can draw dicks?  Okay, I guess.  That we have people in weird costumes being gay together?  That we can get talentless hacks like Mara Wilson, Jim Sterling, and Willy Wheaton to be in this?  Wait, is that Dante fucking Basco?!  How far you can fall from Avatar: The Last Airbender to this insipid crap that has gotten thousands of dollars raised.  I think it was over $80,000 as of my last checking the Kickstarter page.

And it’s gay erotica?  Is the idea here that all these people just decided that they would do something stupid just for the fuck of it?  If that’s the case, why would 2,000 people decide this was worth giving their money to?  Fuck it, I’m calling it, this is Zoe Quinn with sock-puppet accounts.  I’m sure Willy and his succubus wife gave sizable donations, but I think the bulk of the small-time donations are from Quinn using sock-puppets to falsely inflate this product.

Maybe the goal here is to get on gamers nerves so she can say, “look at those losers!  They’re all mad over this stupid thing?!”  I’m not mad, Zoe.  I’m…what was this made for?  I don’t get it.  Who finds this funny?  What was the funny part?  Mara Wilson being in a chair talking about gay sex?  That’s not funny.  Why didn’t they get Gail Chord Schuler to do it?  She’s shown to be pretty damn good making gay sex funny as fuck.  Look up her book “Jesus the Eternal Bridegroom.”  Her reads of that book is the greatest thing ever.  Still have fond memories of that on the Drunken Peasants.

Nothing in there is funny.  I half-expected to see Steve Shives in this.  I guess this is where the talentless’ careers go to die.  We have washed-up celebrities like Wesley from Star Trek, Mara Wilson, and Chris Kluwe.  And I am fucking shocked that they got Dante Basco to do this.  Did his career suddenly die off as well?  Did he peak with his last role in cartoons and now is just playing out the string?  We already knew that Jim Sterling sides with the sex SJWs, so him supplying the voice to a monkey isn’t the shocking.

I’m just trying to understand what the goal was here.  To see how many idiots and their money could be parted?  Did they want in on that piece of Anita Sarkeesian pie?  Why wasn’t she helping out with this?  Actually, scratch that.  My opinion of her has immediately improved because she has more self-respect than to join in with this crap.

Nope.  I give up.  This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.  It will never get dumber than this.  The SJWs will think they made me mad or are hoping for some gamer to get their knickers in a twist.  They haven’t.  It’s like they decided to make something about gay sex in the hopes of getting people riled up so they can say, “They can’t take a joke!”  Didn’t work.  I’m not riled up.  Why?  Because I honestly can’t understand the motivations here.  If I understood what they were going for, maybe then I’d be mad.  But I don’t, so I’m not.  Wow, what a complete waste of my time.

Initial Verdict
“You’re in a fudge factory packing fudge.  You’re a fudge-packer.”

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: ‘Lord of the Flies’ Female Remake

This is more of bookworm rage than nerdrage, but there is rage here.  I’m so goddamn tired of how everything is having to be remade for the SJW audience so they can say that it’s about equality.  Especially when it comes to adapting books that I genuinely think are good.  Why?  Because when I see some changes made to things, it just leaves me wondering – did you just not read the source material?!  Like the adaption of “The Golden Compass.”  That series was a straight-up middle finger to the Catholic church.  Phillip Pullman made no secret of how much he hates Catholicism and thinks the church is a corrupt aristocracy.  But the film had to turn it into some vague government entity.  No!  Did you not read the fucking book?!  It was very clear – the church is the one in control of that society.  Lord Asriel embodied a kind of protestant reformation.  Seeing the film gloss over that, along with all the other crap they fucked up, pissed me off.

Now I am seeing news about how there is a remake film of “Lord of the Flies.”  And they have an angle with this – instead of it being about a bunch of British boys being stranded on an island, it’s going to be about a bunch of girls being stranded on an island.  All the roles will be female.  Oh, fuck me!  Did you all not read the fucking book?!  The writers of this idea are saying that it’s not about equality, but I am calling bullshit right now.  This was done to cater to the SJW crowd.  And it pisses me off.

Here’s why this doesn’t work – whatever your opinions about identity, at our biological core there are two genders: male and female.  And our species is sexually dimorphic, by which I mean that our brains are wired differently.  Men and boys are wired with higher traits for aggression and the need to exert dominance.  We are more wired to see violence as a solution to problems.  In primitive societies, there has NEVER been an instance outside of mythology where the men in a society were exclusively the gatherers and the women exclusively the hunters.  There are societies where men and women tend to share duties, but never one where the roles are completely reversed.  It all goes back to biology.

Whatever your beliefs on personality identity, or how masculine or feminine your traits are, it’s a biological fact that men and women have different traits.  So, in “Lord of the Flies,” you have a bunch of boys trapped on an island.  The novel is about them trying to establish a society of rules, because they are proper British youth, but that government falls apart and the society devolves into tribal madness, which culminates in them killing a boy with spears.  Given the biology of boys, that makes sense.  The novel is a look at how the most upstanding and proper boys can become animals the moment they are removed from all semblance of order.  It’s a great examination of a contention the Joker had in The Dark Knight – “their morals, their code, it’s a bad joke.  Dropped at the first sign of trouble.”  It’s what makes it good.  The idea that us humans aren’t as removed from the animal kingdom as we might think.

I put it to you – the same thing wouldn’t happen with girls.  I can already hear people – just watch women in a group.  They’re catty and back-stab.  Sure, in an all-female society, things would get pretty cutthroat.  But the reality is that women’s minds are wired to seek coexistence rather than conflict.  They try to keep a familial unit intact.  Would there be infighting and crazy shit in a female version of this?  Sure.  But they wouldn’t take it to the extreme that the boys do.  Unless it was a situation where the food was gone and it was kill or be killed.  And even then, there would be those who would try and figure out an alternative.  We’re talking science here.

When will this bullshit end?  When will we stop getting the pro-equality versions of stuff?  I can’t even imagine what a remake to Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings films would be like.  Or To Kill a Mockingbird, especially in today’s racial culture.  Or the 1954 version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, one of my favorite films of all time.

A lot of people will say I just can’t stand things being changed in adaptation.  Fuck that noise!  My problem is when it doesn’t make sense in context of the original, or totally spits in the face of what the original was trying to do.  Great example – the American version of Death Note.  That movie fucking sucked.  Why?  Tons of reasons.  But for me, it’s the fact that the main character isn’t motivated by a twisted sense of justice.  It’s the fact that he wants to impress a girl.  A fucking girl!  All the diabolical intellect of Light Yagami replaced by the insipid bullshit of Light…Turner.  Fuck that name.  Can America just abandon making anime adaptations now?  Please?!

This movie is going to suck.  I can already see the Steve Shives’ and the feminist idiots lining up to cheer on and praise this film, when I guarantee not one of those pathetic idiots read the actual book.  Or if they did, they just wrote it off as misogyny or some dumb thing.  As for me, not even gonna watch this retardation.  Thankfully, lots of female bookworms are out against this too.  If CNN, who wears their bias for this crap as much on their sleeves as every other even-slightly left-leaning outlet, is willing to show off plenty of women who think this is stupid, then you know you fucked up.  Too bad I can already see the pathetic culture war that will follow.

Until next time, a quote,

“Sure, as long as the machines are working at you can dial 911.  But you take that away, you put people in the dark, you scare the shit out of them, no more rules, you’ll see how primitive they get.” – David, The Mist

Peace out,

Maverick