What garbage. What absolute, unmitigated trash. I have never hated a film as much as I hate this one. I found Rogue One boring. I thought The Force Awakens was stupid and derivative. But this? This movie is the death knell of Star Wars! I hate this film more than I will ANY of the prequels. I can enjoy those on some level of being so bad they can occasionally be funny. And Episode III was at least TRYING to be good. This? This was every horrible cliche about modern film-making I have ever seen. It took all of the things that were bad about The Force Awakens and cranks them up to 11, while adding NOTHING good. Not one fucking thing. I am DONE with this franchise. Just done. Gonna spoil the fuck out of this movie, because I need to rage. Let’s get started.
This entire movie was basically side-plots. There was NO central plot in the entire fucking thing. None. Even at the end, it felt like nothing happened. So, we have Rey the Mary Sue giving Luke back his lightsaber (the film picks up literal seconds from where the previous film left off), and him taking it and literally throwing it over his shoulder. Apparently Luke became the biggest curmudgeon in the universe between films. So, all of that effort he took give clues to find him, as if he was meaning to be found? Yeah, it’s never addressed. Just like a lot of loose plot threads from the previous film.
Plot threads like – who Rey’s parents are. It was a big plot point that was teased and everyone wanted an answer to. Yeah, that’s out. Oh, and what about the Knights of Ren? Who were they? Nope! That never comes up. What about Snoke? What is his deal? How did he end up meeting Darth Angst? Oh, this film goes out of its way to not care about this character that they make into the big bad villain. Not even a little concern.
And that’s just the start of how stupid this movie is. We have some new characters! Like Rose! She’s overweight, and Asian. That’s it. Her entire personality is in those two points. This woman has no personality. Neither does Finn. Neither does Rey. Darth Angst gets himself a little more of a personality, but it isn’t enough. This movie has a bad habit of believing that if we give these people character traits outside of their skin color or gender, then we suddenly wouldn’t be able to relate to them. Can’t have that! Speaking of, we have a purple-haired Tumblrina in this film! She’s another character who is boring. Except this woman is so frustratingly stupid. She makes horrible decisions all over the film. And when Po RIGHTFULLY calls her on that, Leia decides to literally shoot him in the back. Because woman power! Who cares that this stupid bitch is making horrible decisions that are getting a TON of people killed! She’s a woman, so naturally she’s right.
Let’s talk about Leia for a minute. I don’t get how people in the theater weren’t laughing so fucking hard with me when I saw the scene where she is thrown out into space, and yet somehow turns into Mary fucking Poppins and flies back into the ship. The singles stupidest thing I have ever seen. Nowhere, in any Star Wars material, has it been shown that you can do that. That the Force can magically make you immune from the effects of being sucked out into the vacuum of space. It’s retarded with a capital R.
Oh, but don’t think she’s the only character this film decides to shit on. Remember Luke? Remember his character from the original films? Remember how he came from a rather boring kid on Tattoine, to having his faith in what he was told by people to the test and losing a hand for his trouble, only to grow from the experience and become a true Jedi Knight like his father before him? Yeah, this film decided to throw all of that out the fucking window and turn him into a curmudgeon who made a really stupid decision to attempt to murder a fucking child all because he saw a vision that told him he might be evil. Remember how far he went to bring his father back to the light side because he could see there was the potential for good in him? This film wants me to believe that he would just decide that trying to save the child of his best friend and sister is not worth it because of a vision of what might be. That’s fucking stupid!
But he isn’t the last of the original cast that this film decided to fuck over. Yoda’s back! Hey, remember how Yoda was a wise-cracking hermit who put on airs of being a crazy swamp man, until Luke realized who he is, and then his attitude changed and he became a very serious mentor? Yeah, well I guess this film decided to forget that, because now he’s a wise-cracking idiot here. All the stoic wisdom? Nope! This film has the same habit that most of Marvel’s latest films do in that every time there is a serious moment happening, they have humor that is cringe-worthy at best and just makes me roll my eyes the rest of the time.
Then we got the cute little animal helpers! Because if this film can’t have interesting characters, it can be cute. That’s totally how that works, right? And we get to see Luke Curmudgeon milk a space cow. Because why the fuck not?!
Oh, and Superman Leia isn’t the only time this film decided to just spit in the face of all reality. Like at the very beginning we have these Resistance…fuck it, I’m just calling the Rebel, because that’s what they fucking are…bombers going after Imperial (they aren’t the First Order. That’s stupid) ships and they open up the bottom of their ships to drop payloads like they are in fucking World War II fighters. Are you kidding me?! Did Rian Johnson just forget what movie he was making and wanted to make a scene from a The Sky Crawlers with bombs falling out of the bottom of these fighters?! Ugh!
Let’s talk about Rey. She’s back! And she’s just as bland, boring, and completely uninteresting. Her complete lack of a character is even more noticeable here, because at no point do I ever believe that she’s being pushed to her limit. Oh, and she also just happens to be better at the Force in every way than Luke Skywalker. That’s right, this character who has only known about the force for two weeks (at most! This film picks up seconds after where the last film left off and it had her knowing about the Force for a day or two) is suddenly so good at the Force that she is better than her teacher. Was there a scene where she gets to see the true power of the Force, as Luke had when Yoda moved the X-Wing out of the swamp? Nope. She’s pretty much moving mountains after a couple scenes because if she isn’t a complete Mary Sue then how can the Tumblrinas like her?
Finn served no purpose in this film. You could cut his entire story from it and NOTHING would change. Nothing. Not one fucking thing. His arc is being teamed up with Asian woman. Oh, and killing off the female stormtrooper who was just as pointless and stupid as she was in the last film.
Then we have Luke Skywalker, who is supposed to be this great hero who has become a Jedi Master, being killed off in the stupidest way ever! It should have been Leia they killed off in this movie. And not just because Carrie Fisher is dead, although there is that. But also because she did nothing to move the story along. Except shoot Po in the back when he makes a very valid point that the Tumblrina can’t command and is doing nothing but getting people killed.
I hate this movie. I am done with this franchise. Thankfully, I am not alone. The person who dragged me to see this with him, who loved The Force Awakens and is a die-hard fan of the franchise, hated this movie more than I did. Now that I know what kind of director Rian Johnson is, I know that I get to ignore the trilogy he is helming. The ONLY nice thing I can say about this film is that the cinematography was pretty great. That’s it. Fuck this movie. Fuck this franchise. Star Wars should have been left to die 30 years ago. Thanks to Disney we’re never going to see the ACTUAL Star Wars story we wanted to see – 1313.
4 out of 10