Lucien’s Top 20 Films (Part 1)

So, I did some rethinking of the post of my top ten favorite movies.  It was my first ranking post, and I was kind of winging it.  Here, I want to make a big change up, and also to be a bit more thorough.  I love film.  I love so many of them.  But my list of top ten favorite movies is a little different than other people’s.  My favorite movies are the ones that I can watch over and over again, and never lose enjoyment.  These films are the ones that I enjoy the most.  And I couldn’t just make a top ten list.  So here is my top 20 films that I love.

20. Monsters
This is one of those movies that just kind of got swept under the rug.  It was a very unique and kind of interesting.  The premise is that a satellite returned to Earth.  It had been in space, trying to find extra-terrestrial life.  It succeeded.  It returned to Earth, but unfortunately brought some guests home with it.  Several years later, there is a massive quarantine zone around most of Mexico, where the creatures have been rapidly multiplying.  Two Americans are trying to get home. The film is amazing.  It is the perfect mix of science-fiction and drama.  The human element is so plain.  It also is not the typical monster movie.  This is a slow and subdued film focusing on the two Americans, as they go through this wasteland that belongs to the aliens.  The subtle music and the very believable characters make this film a genuine work of cinematic mastery that didn’t get the respect it deserved.

19. WXIII Patlabor
This is a movie that I love for the music.  The visuals are great, and the story is great, but the music really gives this film the atmosphere that it has.  It tells the story of two detectives on the trail of a criminal that is destroying “Labors.”  These are large machines used for various purposes, from construction to military.  As the detectives investigate, they realize that all is not as it seems, and there is an interconnected web of deceit and corruption that is all over this case.  The music in this film was soft, mellow, and almost sad at a lot of points, and really added to the atmosphere of this movie.  From mysterious to tragic, this was a movie that really reminds us that animation doesn’t have to be for kids.  It can be for the older crowd, and can be very mature, where subject matter is concerned.  This movie wasn’t some kind of epic form of animation.  Like Monsters, it was quiet and subdued, but still told an amazing story, right up to the bittersweet end.

18. The Andromeda Strain
Now, part of why I love this movie so much is because of the love of the source material.  I am a HUGE Michael Crichton fan.  His books were part of my childhood, and it is very much a part of why science is such a big part of my life.  I absolutely love his books.  My biggest problem with most of the adaptations of Crichton’s work is that Crichton likes to focus on the science, with the characters and everything else being developed around it.  It is a tricky style of writing that I haven’t been able to see most any other author do well.  The movies made from his books, on the other hand, have generally focused on the characters, and have the science develop around that.  To me, that always seems to miss the point.  You never get to see just how much effort and research went into it when the science is downgraded.  In this film, no such problem.  Robert Wise decided to make the most faithful adaptation of his works that I have ever seen.  And it is a great film.  The characters are awesome, the tension is real.  When I read the book, and then saw the movie, I said to myself, “oh yeah, this is what I imagined.”  It is a testiment to one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, and an amazing movie.

Blade Runner17. Blade Runner
Anyone feeling nostalgic?  After Star Wars, Harrison Ford was becoming a little bit typecast.  He was always the badass.  Always the action hero.  But then Ridley Scott came to him and asked, “hey, how you would you like to be in my movie about dystopian city in the future?”  The rest, is history.  Now, this movie was not a critical success when it came out.  Even the critics didn’t know exactly what to think about it.  But make no mistake, this is an awesome movie.  After all, it is on my list of top 20 films, right?  The atmosphere in this movie is simply amazing.  It gets all the cyberpunk feel just right.  This was before the term cyberpunk had entered people’s lexicon.  And now that it is here, this is arguably one of the first films that really got it moving.  I love this movie’s heavy atmosphere, dense thematic elements (it’s a Ridley Scott movie.  Of course the themes will be heavy) and the awesome world that it inhabits.  I love this movie.  It’s the kind of film that leaves you thinking, and wanting to understand.

16. Cowboy Bebop: The Movie
This film is kind of unique.  It followed up the amazing TV series, Cowboy Bebop.  A lot of people thought that this was a sequel, a continuance of the story.  However, it isn’t.  This movie takes place before the end of the show, somewhere toward the end, actually.  It brings our favorite characters onto the big screen and gives them the respect they deserve.  Like the show, it tells the story of the crew of Bebop.  Four bounty hunters traveling the stars, trying to make money.  They end up being part of a terrorist plot against Mars.  Keeping with the anti-hero nature of the characters, they are in it for the money, but they are still fighting the good fight.  The visuals in this film are amazing, the dialogue is keeping with Cowboy Bebop tradition and being down-beat and sometimes kind of mystical.  If you are looking for a way to know what Cowboy Bebop is, check it out.  I think everyone should watch that show, if they have the time.

15. Loving Annabelle
A lot of women are going to call me a perv for putting this film, which is about forbidden lesbian romance on here instead of a film like Brokeback Mountain.  Now don’t get me wrong, I thought that was a good movie, but to be honest, what I like most about this film is the music and the title character, Annabelle.  This film tells the story of Annabelle, the daughter of a US Senator.  She is a notorious problem-child, and is sent to a Catholic school.  There, she meets Professor Simone Bradley.  Very quickly, the two start to bond, and from there, a forbidden romance begins.  Now, let me say up front that this film was very well done.  This isn’t me having some kind of perverted moment.  The scenes were well-shot, and the character of Annabelle is well-portrayed.  The soft music added to the most powerful scenes of the film.  The scene where Annabelle finds out the truth about Simone’s last love was so intense and poetic.  This is a film that everyone should enjoy, and they can.  It was a great movie.

14. Good Night, and Good Luck
Since I am a journalism major, this film had some incredible resonance with me.  This film told the story of Edward R. Murrow and his battle against the McCarthy witch hunts.  What makes this film especially good is that almost all of this was true.  Even a lot of the details are on the money.  The black-and-white atmosphere of this film makes it all the better, like we are taking a peek back in time.  This film, and the man behind it, are one of the reasons that I don’t support that false idol of “objective reporting.”  It is kind of cool that this film was directed by George Clooney.  He’s not just a successful actor, but also a good director too.  Every role here was perfect, and the mellow jazz numbers that would acompany it just gave this film such a cool atmosphere.  Check this film out, if you are looking to take a trip back through time.  It is a good trip, to a time when people actually wanted to fight the power, unlike today, where Americans will let anything happen to them, and say nothing.

Summer Wars13. Summer Wars
Man, talk about a good idea done right.  When the director of the three Digimon films (which America stupidly tried to combine into one) saw his creation, he liked the concept of the second (and best) film.  He wanted to remake it, but not have it be tied in to the Digimon franchise.  So, that’s exactly what he does.  Following a young man and his summer vacation, this is one of the most beautifully-made anime films ever.  The visuals in this movie are AMAZING!  The action is top-notch, with Mad House’s (the studio who made it) stamp all over it.  The characters are all fun and memorable.  The dub was perfect, capturing the really natural relationships that this really large family has and making them feel real.  The digital world of the film, while not at all realistic, is freakin’ awesome.  This film gets everything right.  If you haven’t seen this visual marvel, I really suggest you do.

Children of Men12. Children of Men
This is one of those post-apocalyptic films that doesn’t shy away from the cold darkness of its premise.  It’s the not-too-distant future, and humanity has a problem – no babies are being born.  The story follows a man named Theo, who is a disillusioned and completely uncaring misanthrope, having once been a vocal activist against the totalitarian government that now rules over Britain.  After his ex-wife gets in touch with him, he is brought on board a mission to get a foreign refugee to the border for reasons unknown.  Filled with a lot of astounding performances, this film is gritty, unrelenting and unapologetic of how cold the social commentary is.  The really cool thing about said commentary is that it doesn’t just have to refer to England.  This could be anywhere.  Clive Owens is an amazing actor, and this was the perfect film for him.  However, this is a film that is HEAVY on the dark, so watch at your own risk, if depressing-as-fuck films bother you.

11. The Dark Knight
This is the film that really put the idea of a comic-book villain being real in my head.  I don’t think that anybody watched this movie for Batman.  He seemed almost like an extra in this tale of the Joker’s madness infecting the entire city of Gotham.  It was a tale of madness.  The Joker didn’t want power.  He wanted to make a point.  He destroyed a good chunk of Gotham to make his point, too.  He wanted to prove that Batman was just as corruptable as the rest of us.  This film was terrifying in a lot of ways.  The Joker was really given his true calling here.  This was the portrayal that was meant to be.  Twisted, maniacal, and dripping with insanity, this movie gave the idea of a comic book hero a really amazing twist.  Of course, it also brought back a concept that I had been thinking of – do comic book heroes really do more harm than good?  There were a lot of good arguments to be made in this film for that concept.  But really, what made this film so great was that there was also something to discuss, always something to talk about.  Even people who hate comic books could get into this movie.  Truly, a work of cinematic art.

And that’s my first part of my Top 20 films list.  Stay tuned tomorrow, there will be more.

Until next time, a quote,

“Introduce a little anarchy, and everything becomes chaos.  I’m an agent of chaos.  And you know the thing about chaos – it’s fear!”  -The Joker, The Dark Knight

Peace out,


Feeling Unwanted

I’ve kind of had something hanging over me since the break began.  It was something that I will admit has been very painful to me.  Not just because of who it came from, but because of how alone it makes me feel.  Once you find out that you are not wanted, or people don’t trust you, it really does kind of kill a lot of what one does to get close to people.  It makes you feel like you are just wasting your time.

With the first person, I will admit, I don’t know exactly what I feel towards her.  Her and I go way back.  She was the first girl that I had a crush on.  It was back in the fourth grade.  Since then, I always did kind of have a pull toward her.  Alas, I never acted on it.  When her and I kind of reconnected, well, to be honest, things got all muddled up.  I don’t really know what I want with anybody, and because of that, I think I may just have kind of fucked things up a little bit.

You see, with a lot of my friends, male and female, I banter.  It’s kind of what I do.  Being bisexual helps that.  I can banter with either gender.  But I do so because of the fact that I am hiding some incredible amounts of sexual insecurity.  Most of us are, unfortunately.  Most of us are not 100% comfortable with who we are, sexually.  It’s never a size thing.  It’s an ability thing.

Ever since my fiance died, I just lost some part of me that was always totally in-control of who I am.  And now, I banter, because it hides my sexual insecurities, along with my inability to pursue a normal relationship because of lack of will to put myself out there again.  Knowing how much you stand to lose, takes away a lot of the glory of what you do.

But back to the matter at hand, I bantered with her, and for a while, I thought that this might actually evolve into something.  I’m not against friends with benefits.  I believe it is perfectly fine, as long as both parties go into it knowing what they’re doing.  The banter between the two of us went both-ways.  But after a while, I started to feel something.  I started to feel something else about this situation.  I thought about asking her out.  I thought that maybe, something could work.  Alas, the moment I wanted to ask her if she wanted to do something sometime, I got told about how little I matter.  How little I am wanted.

She told me that she doesn’t get with people unless she has some emotional interest vested in them.  The irony of that is that I used the exact same words to her not too long ago.  But her saying it, right to me, tells me that she doesn’t have any emotional interest vested in me.

Now look, I am not a shallow guy.  If she didn’t want to be intimate with me, that’s fine.  More power to her.  But she told me that she has no emotional interest vested in me.  I have always held the belief that we are friends.  I think you have to have some emotional interest vested in a person to be their friend.  If she has no emotional interest in me, are we friends?  It was a very hurtful thing.  It has, and still does hurt me very much.

The next example was from a different friend.  She is my best friend.  I had hopes that her and I could hang out over break, while I am out in the Valley.  When I brought this up, I was pretty adamant.  It was all from a perfectly kosher place.  I was excited because I never get to see her, and I was very excited to see her.  But instead, I get a message with the words, “I’ll think of something I feel comfortable (pay attention to that word) with us doing.”

My immediate thought is – does she not feel comfortable around me?  I wrote her, inquiring as to such.  The response that I got didn’t put my mind at ease.  In fact, it gave me more questions than it answered.  My message of inquiry about this dilemma asked if it was also the banter.  I told her what I have written above, and told her that I didn’t mean to cause discomfort.

The reasponse was that it wasn’t discomfort, she just felt that there needed to be boundaries.  What confuses me about that is – I never questioned any boundaries.  I really don’t know where this sentiment came from.  I have no genuine idea.  Plus, I just don’t get it.  I mean, we’re friend hanging out.  How is that a problem?  I genuinely don’t understand.

I had a lot of plans to see people over break.  They all went to crap, and all my attempts to try and amend things have ended in failure.  Outright failure.  And what’s more, all the turning down I am getting is leaving me feeling incredibly unwanted.  It leaves a hollow place inside of me, and really, all that I have been able to surmise is that it was all such a waste.

I mean, what’s the point of trying to really make good with people, when your best friend doesn’t feel comfortable seeing you outside of your normal spot to hangout (which is her job.  One of the reasons that I wanted to hang out somewhere else is because I felt bad about constantly interrupting her work), due to feeling there aren’t boundaries, while subsequently worrying about the opinions of others, who may take things the wrong way, what does that say?

My insecurities have doubled lately, and all I am feeling is hollow inside.  One person who I thought I was really tight with doesn’t have any interest vested in me, and the person I hold as my best friend doesn’t feel comfortable doing something fun.  You can imagine just how special I am feeling lately.

Oh well, life sucks.  It’s always been like that.  I just keep rolling along.  If I knew why I keep doing it, I would be a wiser man.  I have no genuine desire to live.  The difference is that I have no desire to die.  I literally don’t care.

Until next time, a quote,

“An artist is always alone – if he is an artist. No, what the artist needs is loneliness.”  -Henry Miller

Peace out,


My Problem with Avatar

So, this is going to be a short post, or at least, shorter, about what I really hate about the film Avatar.  I know, a lot of people have talked about this, and it’s kind of old news, but really, I felt that a comment was needed.

I get that a lot of people loved this film for the special effects.  I give, they were incredible.  I was awe-struck by the visuals.  This film was, hands-down, incredible to look at.  However, for how incredible it was to look at, I was intellectually bored by it.  I’m sorry, but the love-interest seemed rushed (I’m not including the new version where they added a billion scenes), the culture was vaguely explored, and the drive for the humans to get this material (with the stupidest name ever!) is barely explored at all.  Add to that the fact that almost all the characters are (and I think there was purpose here) massively cliche, there were lots of things that I didn’t like.

But really, my problem with this movie is the same problem that I had with Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland.  What was the problem – the END!  The end of both of these movies, one event in-particular, stopped them both dead.  In Alice in Wonderland, it was that stupid dance!  Seriously, it served NO purpose, and added nothing to the story.  It was annoying, weird, and pointless.  In my eyes, that stops a movie cold.

Speaking of pointless bullshit, toward the end of Avatar, there is the scene where everything is going to shit.  The aliens are losing, humanity is winning, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, the deity intervenes!  Yes, their god sends all the animals to go and to save the day.  The ending is so stupid and cliche it hurts!    I remember my face actually sagging when I saw it.  It is rare that something so dumb happens, but this took the cocoa.

I have a friend who says that I am missing some really important elements of the film, that make it a lot better than it is, but honestly, I just can’t say that I enjoy a film where something this stupid happens.  The real truth is that Avatar was a film that looked brilliant, but then sucked all the majesty away with lackluster story-telling and an ending that defied all sanity by just being retarded.  Sorry, but that is the word.  No, that isn’t the word.  We need a new word for this.  I will borrow TJ’s word – stupiditarded.  This is stupiditarded.

And that’s all I have to say.

Until next time, a quote,

“A film is never really good unless the camera is an eye in the head of a poet.”  -Orson Welles

Peace out,


Christian Lunacy: #PrayForJustinsGrandparents

In the world of Christian oddness, this particular instance really takes the cake.  I have seen some weird stories, but this combines two things that I really, really hate.  It combines Christianity and pop culture.

The story goes that Justin Bieber’s grandparents were in a car wreck.  Yeah, that sucks.  They were in a car wreck, and his grandfather broke four ribs.  The grandmother, just fine.  Well, this is a tragedy, and lucky for us, teens and tweens all over America have come out in support of these two with their struggle.  (all examples are from Tweets on Twitter)

Take a moment and #payforjustinsgrandparents and they’ll be alright. God’s power is above great, ya know?

Head’s-up, kiddo, but they are already alright.  They weren’t seriously injured.  Both of them are fine.  This is just the first of many great examples of what the stupidity of the fanbase for Justin Bieber is willing to do.  It is funny, and sad at the same time.  But really, it says a lot about Christians, when you think about it.  How many of these people would have cared about these two people if it weren’t for them being related to Justin Bieber?  They will pray for them, but not for anybody who actually could us it.  On to the next bit of religious farce.

I seriously love Justin’s grandparents as if they were my own. Please #prayforjustinsgrandparents

How special does this person’s grandparents feel?  What kind of psychological disorder must this kid have to love the grandparents of somebody that he doesn’t know, or probably will ever know, like they are his own?  I have always found this need to connect to pop culture icons so mystifying, mostly because I often find them to be so pathetic, and really, they are pathetic.  But these people don’t care.  They will sell their souls so that they can be near to this icon that they all adore so much.  Weird…

Beliebers may fight, but we always pull together in a time of emergency. #prayforjustinsgrandparents

You know, I think I’ve figured something out.  The reason that kids in Ethiopia and Cambodia don’t have food is because there aren’t enough of them to pray.  Seriously, think about it – this kid’s grandparents get hurt, and thousands of young (and old creeper) idiots come out of the woodwork to pray.  Same with any athlete or something.  How many Christians pray for a field goal at the Super Bowl?  How many Christians pray for some celebrity to get married?  How many of them pray for the stupidest shit involving pop culture, while completely ignoring all the really interesting stuff that could be prayed for.  And let’s never mind that this kid is an idiot because they are calling this an emergency, even though it is just stupid bullshit.  It’s sad, really.

 haters, we don’t need nor did we ask for your negativity. @justinbieber & @studiomamma stay strong& godbless, #prayforjustinsgrandparents

We don’t hate Justin, kid.  We really don’t.  We don’t hate this little talentless moron.  His fame is going to be gone in a year or so, so all we have to do is sit back and watch it unravel.  What we are doing is attacking the stupidity of thise whole endeavor, and how dumb it all is.  We are attacking how ridiculous this all is, because this is a group of people, a huge group of people, praying for two people who weren’t even seriously injured in a car wreck.  Yeah, us haters are just the worst.  What a moron.

#PrayForJustinsGrandparents I don’t know what’s going on but I’m still gunna pray

I don’t really have to explain that one.  It really is Christianity in a nutshell.  They don’t know why they do them, but they follow rules and obey commands anyway, just because they feel that they should.  For all this idiot knows, he might be praying that Justin’s grandparents eat small children.  This may just be one of the most honest statements about Christianity ever made.

 @justinbieber PLEAS NOTICE ME Justin!! ❤ I love you so so much. #PrayForJustinsGrandparents #Beliebers are here for you!

This is such a great quote.  To hell with trying to do something nice for somebody else, no, this Tweet is completely self-serving.  It doesn’t imply that this person cares, just that they are trying to get Justin the idiot Bieber to notice them.  I love this Tweet.  This kid suffers a tiny family crisis, and this girl will use it to try and get this little creep to notice her.  It is beyond pathetic.  This is whoring yourself out, which is just sad.

You know what’s interesting about that post – there was another Tweet (that we don’t have here) where a girl said that she cried so hard about this news that she puked all over the place.  Yes, she puked because she was sobbing about Justin Bieber’s grandparents having an accident.  Not even a tremendously bad accident.  This is just plain said.  Our obsession with celebrity culture in this country is just absurd, and this is part of the reason why.

You know what really is depressing about all of this – why would a Christian really care about this?  Seriously, thousands of teenage idiots came out of the woodwork and prayed for these people, who weren’t really even all that hurt.  If I was a Christian, and if I believed that clasping my hands and praying for people actually served a purpose, do you know how much I could care about the fact that Justin Bieber’s grandparents got hurt?  None!  I wouldn’t give a shit!  These people mean nothing to me!

And they shouldn’t mean anything to you, kids who Tweeted in support of this stupidity.  This was not some tragedy, this was two people who were in a car wreck.  One was pretty banged up, but it wasn’t too terribly serious.  This is just stupid, really, really stupid.  And you should feel stupid if you were one of the people whose Tweets I used above.  For real, feel the same.  You are pathetic.

Until next time, a quote,

“I know I’ve driven this into the ground, but I just have to outline, one more time, the ludicrous-ness of this situation.  Thousands of people, across the world, are clasping their hands together, to make a wish toward an invisible man.  Who lives in the sky, and has magical powers and created the universe.  And they’re wishing for him to interceed on the behalf of two people who were not even severely injured, in any way, shape or form, by a car accident.  And the only reason we’re supposed to care about these two people anymore than any other people, is because their daughter gave birth to a Canadian pop-singing sensation.  Beloved by teenage girls the world over, and hated by pretty much everyone else.  That is the situation that we find ourselves in right now.”  -TJ Kincaid, JUSTIN BIEBER’S PRAYER WARRIORS 

Peace out,


The War Against the Morning After Pill?

This is a struggle that has come up again in recent news.  It is over a little pill, designed to do one thing – stop a girl who had a condom break, or who got raped from getting pregnant.  It is called “the morning-after pill,” and it is kind of interesting how much this little pharmaceutical item is sparking so much debate.  The question is – why?  What could possibly be the argument that can be made against this little tiny pill?  The articulation might interest you.

The really ironic part is that this drug, Plan B One-Step, has nothing to do with abortion.  The Catholics and other Christians who will argue that this drug is wrong will say the usual schtick about how murder is wrong, and abortion is wrong, and they won’t back down.  Well, that’s an interesting position to take, except that this drug absolutely prevents abortion.  For real, if this drug works, then the girl will never have gotten pregnant.  They will have never gotten into the position where they would have to have an abortion.

But don’t say that to the Catholics.  That would just blow their tiny little minds.  They will argue other points.  A bit one is  the biblican verse saying that wasted seed is an affront to God.  Yes, the same reason why they tell Catholic kids that jerking off is wrong.  The same reason that, according to their own logic, every woman who has had more than one period is a serial killer.  These people are so dumb, it hurts.

You see, in a lot of states, there is a clause in the law that says that a hospital can refuse to give a girl the morning-after pill on “conscience” grounds.  That’s what it’s called in Boston, the Conscience Clause.  It allows a hospital to ignore its mandate to do no harm, by telling girls who are raped that they can’t be given the morning-after pill.  No, instead, if they are brutalized and unconscious, the doctors there can just let the rapist impregnate them.  It is a sick and twisted law, and for no good reason, it is allowed to continue.

Next up, there is the rather recent decision the Obama administration supported to deny the sale of Plan B to girls under 17.  There is contention that these drugs would be abused.  All the reasoning the Administration has are bogus, and not only that, don’t make sense.

Sebelius and now Obama decided 10- and 11-year-olds should not be able to buy the drug “alongside bubble gum or batteries” because it could have an adverse effect if not used properly.

That is taken from an article, linked above.  So, they are afraid that the drug won’t be used “properly.”  Question – how exactly will it be used improperly?  Are kids going to be crushing it up and sniffing it?  Secondly, if a kid is 10 or 11, I have no doubt that he or she is going to want Plan B.  The gum will probably catch their eye much more.  Or the batteries, to power their wireless game controllers.  Next, it won’t be sold next to “bubble gum and batteries.”  It would be sold in a pharmacy, with other pharmaceutical items.  No 10 or 11 year old is going to be there buying things.  This is absolutely nuts.

So, what are the reasons?  What could possibly be the reason that the Obama Administration would keep this drug illegal?  Well, that is pretty simple – Obama is evil, and he is working to secure votes.

I don’t call Obama evil lightly.  It was a long amount of debate with myself between if he is incompetant or evil.  I came to the conclusion that he is evil.  The debate with me was whether or not he was incompetant or evil.  Evil won after it came out that it was his request that the part of the National Defense Authorization Act of the Fiscal Year 2012.  So it is now beyond doubt that the Obama administration endorses the idea that somehow, they are doing girls a favor by telling them not to get contraception.

The FDA talks about how it is completely safe for women, but I guess that’s not enough.  There is no good reason that the morning-after pill should be denied to young girls, but we don’t get good reasoning from religious people. We get bullshit.  We get their bullshit myths from a desert god telling us that this is how we have to be.  God is bullshit, Catholicism is bullshit, and being pro-life is bullshit.

That’s really all I have to say.

Until next time, a quote,

“The next time you are talking to somebody who says they are pro-life, ask them if they eat meat.  If they do, you should call bullshit on them being pro-life.”  -Lucien Noctis Maverick

Peace out,


Fact vs. Fiction: Feminism

Here is a new segment that I am introducing – Fact vs. Fiction.  This is a segment where I call out groups of people who are not listening to reason, and are simply ignoring the facts.  I have talked in five posts about modern feminism, but here, I want to talk about how the people who are following these issues don’t listen to reason.  And there is a lot of evidence that they don’t listen reason.  So, with all that said, I present to you – feminism.

I got a lot of responses in my posts about modern feminism.  However, for some of the more articulate responders, there was actually a great deal of misconception.  You see, I view Women’s Studies courses as the most useless of all courses.  A lot of guys and girls go to these classes, thinking that they are going to learn the history of women, and stuff like that.  Instead, they almost always get told about how there is a patriarchy, and how they are being oppressed.  They are told about how women are subjugated to me.  However, in the spirit of Fact vs. Fiction, this is simply not true.

There was a quote from a favorite YouTube vlogger of mine, TJ Kincaid –

Feminism is the idea that we can make both sexes equal by focusing solely on the issues of one of them.

He posted that on Twitter and from out of the woodwork came the feminists, quick to attack him for his point of view.  My question is – why?  Why do you disagree with that statement?  There was a quote by a feminist as such –

I often say, if you’re not a feminist, you’re a bigot.  I mean, there is nothing in-between.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is fiction.  It’s outright fiction.  TJ’s quote is absolutely right.  But the lambasting that he got was the point of interest.  Of course, they said that it was ignorant (which it isn’t).  There is a huge number of feminists who believe that all inequality between the genders favors men over women.  All of them.  This is an interesting position to take, because if one has a very clear eye, not covered in a film like these peoples’ are, then you can see why it’s wrong.

There are a plethora of inequalities facing women over men.  For example – domestic violence, which is just as common with men from women.  The law doesn’t take it seriously, neither does society, but it’s there.  In the issue of custody of a child, the gap favoring men over women is HUGE!  Women are so completely favored by the system in that regard.  It’s wrong, outright, because there are plenty of deadbeat moms out there.  The media is good about not showing that (gee, I wonder why).  In media-land, mothers are usually (almost always) the good parent, while the father is the bad one.

And while we’re talking kids, how about the fact that men have NO reproductive rights whatsoever, which is bullshit.  A guy only had the choice to cum in a girl, and that’s it.  It’s unfair, one-sided, and wrong.  If, for instance, a woman steals a man’s sperm to impregnate herself, the man has no right to it whatsoever.  That’s wrong.  There’s no good way to put it.  Women will come out of the woodwork and talk about how I’m a sexist pig, but this needs to be addressed.  If it is the man’s kid, he shouldn’t have to pay the rest of his life for something he didn’t have control over.  There needs to be some discussion here.

TJ brought up an interesting point – genital mutilation, ie. circumcision.  Baby boys are forced to go through it, never having a choice.  It is usually done for religious reasons, because some God or other wants that skin gone.  But female genital mutilation is immediately discarded as horrible and wrong.  And it is.  But why is there no outrage over babies not getting a choice?  Yeah, very equal.

Looking at inequality in realms of the law – women get less prison time than men, by as much as 40%, for equal crimes.  And when it comes to divorce proceedings, women usually are the ones getting paid alimony.  The courts immediately assume that women need protecting.

Or how about how men are the ones who have to sign up for the draft, and women don’t?  Where’s the outrage there?  Where is all the talk about inequality on this issue?

So, when people like me point out these problems to feminists, do they agree?  You’d think that on some level, that would register as a problem.  That women would be like “yeah, okay, that makes sense.  But do they?  No.  They don’t.  They will immediately talk about how these issues don’t count as gender inequality issues.  In their minds, men’s rights issues aren’t real.  The question is – why?

The reason is simple – they believe in a patriarchy.  They believe that men are dominating women, and that they are totally and completely subjugated to men.  This is, of course, fiction.  Here is Wikipedia’s definition of what a patriarchal system is –

Patriarchy is a social system in which the role of the male as the primary authority figure is central to social organization, and where fathers hold authority over women, children, and property. It implies the institutions of male rule and privilege, and entails female subordination.

That definition is the baseplate upon which all feminist theory is based off of.  If you go back through history, about 100 or 200 years, or even 50 years ago (though it is a bit of a stretch with that one), the definition above was a pretty correct definition of what society was.  But that ISN’T what society is now!  You cannot argue that the society that we live in is anything like that.

If the system was completely favoring men, what about the examples I provided above?  If it was completely favoring men, why do cancer types usually associated with women get so much more research than those favoring men?  If it was totally favoring men, why would the media tip-toe around all of the issues that I brought up above?  Why would the media be totally cool with Sharron Osbourne joking about cutting a guy’s dick off, but would totally destroy any guy who would argue that women should get the boobies cut off?  If men were in control, why would we look the other way when a woman beats on a guy, but lose our minds when a guy hits a woman?  It’s not real.  The patriarchy doesn’t exist.

Ladies, there’s something you have to understand, and I think I’m going to let Spencer Tracy say this one –

…Progress has never been a bargain, you have to pay for it.  Sometimes I think there’s a man who sits behind a counter and says, ‘alright, you can have a telephone, but you lose privacy, and the charm of distance.  Madam, you may vote, but at a price.  You lose the right to retreat, behind the powderpuff, and the petticoat.

The reality of the situation is that women are not oppressed.  The oppression that they talk about is just their way of being able to hide from the responsibilities that they are invoking when they say that they are standing tall, that they are not second-class.  And guess what, ladies – I don’t think you are second-class.  There is a lot of sexism on both sides.  And this is why I reject feminism and masculinism.  They are both equally stupid, and both of them have no basis in reality.  There is no patriarchy, there is no matriarchy.

Ladies, you have to realize that you are taking on a greater societal responsibility.  Or at least, you should be.  The fact that you aren’t is a little bit disturbing.  It is inconsistent, it is wrong, and it has to stop.

But there is one truth that you have – perceived gender roles are the problem.  I am right there with you.  The only way that we can truly get rid of inequality is to look at both sides, and to get rid of all gender roles, no matter how innocent they may seem.  That’s my opinion, anyway.

Until next time, a quote,

“No one should be a feminist.  Nor should anyone start calling themselves something ridiculous like a masculinist.  You can’t be for the rights of one or the other.  If you’re truly for equality, you have to be for the rights of both.”  -TJ Kincaid, Failure of Feminism 

Peace out,


Christmas Brings out the Jerk in People

Let me begin by saying that I am not advocating for not giving people things and not having a good time.  What this post is going to be about is keeping everything in perspective.  I want to keep things in perspective because as much as I love this time of year, this year in-particular has made me face the reality that while I have a very good Christmas, I got to thinking about the people that I know, and who I care very much about, who did not.  But when I see shit like what I am going to reference you too below, I won’t lie, it pisses me off.

I didn’t get an iPhone fuck Christmas I’m seriously so pissed

That’s right, kids, for those of you who live in poverty here in this country, I am going to introduce you to a class of people who are truly oppressed – American teenagers.  As you saw above, they are really afflicted this Christmas season.  They aren’t getting iPhones!  Oh god, this is just the worst!  This is absolute hell on Earth!  Why, oh non-existent God, why?!

My parents are the worst mother Fucking parents in the world fuck you mom and dad for not getting me a Iphone. FUCK YOU. FML.

I know most of you already know, but FML means “fuck my life.”  That’s right, this little shit has the nerve to basically make it sound like he is going to swallow the business end of a gun barrel because he didn’t get an iPhone for Christmas.  Wow…just, wow.  That is inspiringly greedy.  The level of greed displayed here is nothing short of awe-inspiring.  Nobody can be this greedy naturally.  It has to be taught to somebody.  I’ll get to that in a minute.

Fucking hate that kindle bullshit. Returning and getting an iPad. Most definately.

Yes, because reading is such a bad thing.  I’m with you, kid.  Why read, when you can sit and pretend you’re playing music on an iPad!  Or hey, maybe you can make squiggles or any other amount of useless pointless bullshit.  But being able to read, that is so worthless!

welp…didn’t get a car. not trying to sound greedyy buht.. damn…

A little late for that, sweetheart.  I think her parents should give her the car, on the off-chance that she will drive it off a cliff and deprive the human race of her stupidity.

 Just cried for like two hours straight cause I didn’t get a car…

The greed of these kids know no limits.  This person cried for two hours because they didn’t get a fucking car.  Unreal.  You know, I’m not even going to talk about the massive plethora of people outside of this country who are rotting away in starvation, or being massacred in genocide, with the American people trying to show that they do care, while they don’t.  Instead, I am going to talk about the people right here in my own country who are suffering, really suffering.

I have a good friend who didn’t get a Christmas of any kind this year.  Her and her mother’s big celebration was renting a movie, and getting to watch it.  Both of them are just scraping to get by in this country.  She had no tree, no presents, no nothing.  And she was miserable this year because of how much her life had gone to shit recently.  It actually did break my heart a little to know that this person who is a very good friend of mine, whose company I enjoy incredibly much got nothing.  I wished I could have had her out to my place, to spend the holidays with us.  So yeah, you fucking crybaby bitch, you didn’t get a car.  Boo-fucking-hoo, you greedy cunt!

Am I the only one who didn’t get an iPhone or a car? Dang.

No, sweetie, you didn’t get an iPhone or a car, and you certainly aren’t the only one.  There are people in this country who didn’t get FUCKING FOOD for Christmas, you ungrateful, entitled piece of shit!  If each person who posted these comments on Twitter died, the world would be a better place.  Not one of them is worth anything.  Not one of them is actually worth the air that they breathe.  They are a waste of oxygen.

I keep yelling WHERE’S MY IPAD at the most incovenient times…think they’ll get the point??

If the point is that these people obviously failed at parenting, then yeah, I hope they did.  But knowing how stupid these parents clearly are, probably not.

I hate how my mom has to ruin Christmas be getting everyone stupid gifts..where the hell is the iphone I asked for?! bitch!

Hey Sarah’s parents, feeling proud?

Didn’t get an iPad for the second year in a row. I’m never celebrating Christmas again. #maybenextyearilltryhanukkah

You know, there are a couple of things that really get me about these posts.  1. That these kids just come to hate this time of year because of one stupid thing, and 2. That not one of these kids realizes that they are bitching about something that they are being given for free!  They don’t have to work for this.  They don’t have to actually get up off of their asses and try to make a decent effort.  No, that would be too hard.  They don’t want to get a job, actually work for what they have.  That would be asking WAY too much for these little fuckers.  Nope, you all are bitching because it wasn’t given to you for free.

Wanna know a nifty irony – most of these kids got their greedy-ass Tweets re-Tweeted.  A lot of them took their Tweets down when it came to light what a bunch of greedy piece of shit they are.  They put up new tweets about how they are so thankful for what they have.  Yeah, the ones who kept them up there, at least they stuck to their guns.  They didn’t have to shove the blind and pitiful hypocrisy down our throats that they aren’t complete pieces of shit, even though they are.  I am actually respecting the greedy jerks who kept their Tweets up more than the greedy jerks who took them down.

But where there are those who left them up, there are those who tried to justify their greed.  I shit you not!


Yes, we are rapist pedophiles for pointing out that you are a greedy bitch, Mikaela.  That makes perfect sense.

Lmao I tweeted about not getting my iPhone and all these twitter dick riders caught feelings. Can I live? lmao

There isn’t a word for how much people like me hate people like you.  They think that their greed is justified, and if we call their stupid asses on it, we are “twitter dick riders.”  Yeah, you can live, douchebag, but you can live with us hounding you, and hopefully ostracizing you from all decent social interaction for the rest of your life.  For real, you suck, and I hope you die alone.

Look, we are all a little greedy in this country.  I catch myself being that way, as I’m sure all of you do.  It comes with being in the richest country in the world.  But we don’t wear the greed that we have on our sleeves.  We don’t sing about it to people that we don’t know.  We don’t talk about our greed like it’s a good thing.

Now, I know plenty of teenagers who are like me – grateful for what we have received.  They probably also have friends like me, who got little to nothing at all this Christmas.  And we try and help those people.  My good friend I talked about above, I try and help.  I talk with her on the phone, online, letting her know that while it isn’t the best day, she isn’t alone, and doesn’t have to feel hardcore-sad this Christmas.

I hope you all had a good Christmas, and I hope you have tried to help the people you know, who had it hard this time of year.  Have a wonderful new year.

Until next time, a quote,

“And look, we all have a selfish side to us.  But there’s a reason you don’t just fly that flag like, ‘yeah, I’m a selfish fuck and I’m proud!’  Cause it’s not a very desireable personality trait.”  -TJ Kincaid, WORST PEOPLE EVER

Peace out,


The Jesus Story is Bulls#!$!

Well, with Christmas just a day away, and since I probably won’t be doing a holiday post as I have done for all of the others in the last few months, I thought that I would say my piece about the story about this season.  The fact is that this seasons has been hijacked, twice.  The first time, it was from innocent people, and probably involved a lot of bloodshed (as Christianity is so famous for how they will resort to killing as a first solution), the second time involved robber-barons who realized what every business tycoon in this country has – that you can cash in on ANYTHING in this country.  But we aren’t going to attack that second group.  Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow, or maybe next year.  Today, we’re attacking that first group, the Christians.  They are such a pleasing target.

The Christian narrativei s that Christmas is a day to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.  Well you know what, let’s take a long and hard look at the story of Jesus Christ, shall we?

This story is absolutely wrought with contradictions.  The first contradiction is that according to a prophecy, Jesus was supposed to be from Bethlehem.  Problem – Jesus was from Nazareth.  Well, the writers of the Bible were very smart con-artists, so they found a quick way to get around this – lying out their ass!  See, the first Gospel decided not to deal with problem (or maybe the Vatican just didn’t get to it) by not talking about the birth story of Jesus at all.  The Gospel of Mark never mentions the whole virgin birth thing, the whole shebang.  The fact is that the Gospels of Mark and John don’t say that Mary was a virgin, and in his writings, neither did the apostle Paul.  Odd little inconsistency.  Not that that’s anything new to the Bible.

Next up, the date.  There is NO way that Jesus was born on the 25th of December.  Palestinian winters were not very fun, especially for traveling at night.  But really, that’s kind of a trifling detail.

Also, the idea of virgin-birth, as Laci Green pointed out, is bullshit.  Straight-up bullshit.  Not only is the concept unoriginal, but it is plagiarized from other stories.  I’ll get to how that is interesting later.  And speaking of Mary’s virgin status, here’s a nifty fact for you – a lot of Catholics hold that Mary was a virgin her whole life.  Guess what, Catholics – you’re wrong!  The Bible talks about how Jesus had a brother, a direct brother, named James.  So, Catholics are idiots.  Moving on.

Looking at the Jesus birth story again, the two gospels that talk about – Luke and Matthew, have conflicting stories about how Jesus overcame that whole “born in Bethlehem” problem.  In the Gospel of Luke, the story goes that Caeser Augustus called for a really huge census to be taken.  Everybody had to return to their “home city.”  Never mind that this would have been a massive undertaking and is not written about anywhere but in the Bible.  Interesting.

Next up, we have Matthew, who tells  the more talked-about version of the Jesus birth story.  In his version, King Herod hears that a child will be born who will be a great king, the greatest king.  So, being a power-hungry dictator, he sends his armies to go and kill all the male born of the kingdom.  Again, this would have been a huge undertaking that would have been talked about by somebody, but also again, nowhere outside of the Bible do we hear about the massive slaughter of children.  Interest.

So, we have two conflicting birth stories, and no birth story at all from two gospels.  And when you think about it – what about all the other Gospels that were floating around?  For real, there are others.  The Vatican deliberately didn’t have them added into the final product.  What?  Really?!  You just artificially took them out?  Did they not fit the narrative that you wanted?  That seems the most likely, since religion has always been an institution where the powerful lord over those without power, but let’s not get too hung up on that.  We have more ground to cover.

Speaking of virgin-birth, here’s a nifty thought for you – biology calls bullshit on this, but not in the way you might think.  In other animals, parthenogenesis is possible.  That’s asexual reproduction.  Is it possible with humans?  Well, there are signs that maybe.  It may just be possible.  Of course, the chances of this happening are so astronomically small that it is laughable in the scientific arena.  But, if it were actually possible, there is one conclusion that scientists have come to – with a species like humans, which have XY chromosomes, parthenogenesis could only produce XX offspring.  That’s right, kids, if Jesus was born of a virgin, he wasn’t a he at all.  He, was a she.  If this story is true, then Jesus was a girl.

But enough of the pseud0-scientific bullshit.  The fact is that the entire story of Jesus is NOT even original.  For real, it isn’t.  There were a ton of stories floating around the Mediterranean during the thousand or so years when this story was said to have taken place that sound eerily similar to the Jesus story.  The Greek god Adonis, his story was a lot like Jesus.  The Persian God Mithra, his story was a lot like Jesus.  But the pièce de résistance of historical plagiarism – Horus, the son of Osiris.  The story of Jesus and the story of Horus are, if you put them back-t0-back, identical.  The names are different, the places are different, but in almost every way, these two stories are the same story.

The fact is that most of the Bible is ripped off from other religions that floated around during the time period.  Christians weren’t even clever enough to come up with their own stories.  They had to rip off other ones.  But the fact is that the Jesus story is bullshit, from birth to death, and just ripped off of something else.  It has been historically proven to be false, and it has been biblically proven to be false.  Not to mention, I can culturally prove that it was false.  You see the picture that I have at the top of this post?  That image of Jesus is false.  If Jesus was a real person (and that’s a stretch), then the fact is that he was a long-haired, brown-skinned, homeless, anti-war, anti-capitalism, Middle Eastern Jew.  These are facts.  But don’t tell the Christians that.  They like their racially-insensitive white Jesus too much for that.

Embrace reason, this season.  Celebrate Christmas for the reasons I do – because it is fun, and it is a nice time of year.

Until next time, a quote,

“So, what the atheist billboard said is true.  And it’s not the kind of true where you close your eyes, and feel it in your heart, and ignore all evidence to the contrary.  No!  It’s that other kind of true.  That kind of true that is actually verifiable, that stands up to scrutiny and questioning.  You know, the kind of truth that most Americans are uncomfortable with.”  -TJ Kincaid, Atheist Grinches

Peace out,


The Cosmological Argument is Dumb

In my travels I have discovered that there are two kinds of Christian.  The first is the kind who says, “I don’t need proof for God, and will reject proof against because I have faith.”  You know, I actually have a bit of respect for these kinds because at least they are honest.  They are nothing like the hypocrites in category two.  These kind say, “There is a God and I can prove it!”  They always think that they are so smart.  Well, we are going to take apart one of the main arguments that I still hear, even today.  This argument is called the “Cosmological Argument.”  It goes like this –

1. Things exist.
2. It is possible for those things not to exist.
3. Whatever has the possibility of non-existence, yet exists, has been caused to exist.
a. Something cannot bring itself into existence, since something must exist to bring it into existence, which is illogical
4. There cannot be an infinite number of causes to bring something into existence.
a. An infinite regression of causes ultimately has no initial cause, which means there is no cause of existence.
b. Since the universe exists, it must have a cause
5. Therefore, there must be an uncaused cause of all things.
6. The uncaused cause must be God.

So, that’s the argument in a nutshell.  I will take this apart, piece by piece, and show you why this is complete and utter bullshit.  I will also show you a rather ironic twist to this argument that I noticed.  I think you will find it cool too.

1. Things exist.

With you so far.  It is impossible to contradict that things exist.  I mean, philosophers will argue it, but really, we all know that things exist.  So the argument isn’t really getting too nuts yet.

2. It is possible for those things not to exist.

Okay, how does that work?  Not only does this directly contradict the first little point, but this is also totally dumb.  To Christians – how could you possibly know?  According to the Law of the Conservation of Energy, this is just plain ridiculous.  This law stipulates that matter and energy cannot be destroyed, only changed.  To date, this law holds true.  Matter cannot be destroyed, nor can energy.  There may come a day when we are able to do this, but it can’t be done yet.  A lot of apologists will bring up Entropy.  They point out that there must have been a point of non-existence at some time, because if there wasn’t, that would violate the Second Law of Thermodynamics.  This is dumb because this Law only has to do with how matter and energy break down within a closed system.
And even if the concept of Entropy applied here, which it doesn’t, there is no proof that this universe that we inhabit is a closed system.  It could be a multiverse.  It could be any number of things.  This is a ridiculous claim to make.

3. Whatever has the possibility of non-existence, yet exists, has been caused to exist.
a. Something cannot bring itself into existence, since something must exist to bring it into existence, which is illogical.

Here again – how did you come to this conclusion?  What data are you using to support this argument?  The famous Christian apologist Matthew Slick had this to say –

A rock doesn’t suddenly change from being a rock into, say, an axe head unless acted upon by something else.  For matter and energy to change and form something new, they must be acted upon from the outside.  So we must ask – what acted upon matter and energy and caused the universe to exist?

There are words that describe how stupid this guy is, but I would be removed from the internet for saying them.  For one thing, the rock becoming an axe head is stupid because none of the matter changed.  Existing materials were taken and then formed into the head of an axe.  And also, take a look at his last question “what acted upon matter and energy…?”  Really?!  What “acted upon” matter and energy?  That’s not the argument you are making, dumbass!  You are making the argument that a supreme being created matter and energy.
The second part of the argument (a.), is saying that basically, something had to be created.  Either it just appeared, or God made it.  Again, really?!  You are making that argument.  Just two options.  That’s a false dichotomy, and these Christians damn well know it.  The universe could have come into being any number of ways.  It could have been some kind of autonomous force that we don’t yet understand.  The universe could have always existed in some form or another.  It could have been made by any kind of creator, not just your God.  This is bullshit.  This whole point of the argument is bullshit.

4. There cannot be an infinite number of causes to bring something into existence.
a. An infinite regression of causes ultimately has no initial cause, which means there is no cause of existence.

Here it is, the greatest point about why the idea of God creating the universe is so dumb.  If you are going to make the argument that God made this universe, you fall into the endless pattern of – well who created God?  Who created the creator of God?  Who created the creator of the creator of God?  And on and on, forever and ever.  It would never stop.  This is why the idea of a Christian God creating everything is just ridiculous.  This makes the argument that the universe MUST have a cause, and it must be God, but since there is this huge logical fallacy, this point falls flat on its ass.  If everything must be created, that means that God is created.  That’s a fact.

5. Therefore, there must be an uncaused cause of all things.

This point brings me to a point I had about the last one.  Why is God exempt for needing to be created but the universe isn’t?  I don’t get that.  If a Christian can actually lay that bag of snakes straight, they will be the wiser of all of us.  If God doesn’t need a cause, then the rational goes that the universe doesn’t need one.  If the universe does need one, God needs one.  If you are arguing logically, you can’t make the hypocritical point.
Another question – why can’t the universe itself be the uncaused cause?  Why is that false?  Why is it much more logical that God did it?  Of course, that implies that we are accepting the premise that there is an uncaused cause, which we’re not.  We are absolutely not accepting that.

6. The uncaused cause must be God.

All of the logical failings associated with this argument come to bear in this section.  Here’s the kicker of this argument – it does absolutely NOTHING to prove the existence of the Christian God.  If we were to actually accept this argument, hypothetically, all that it has proven is that there is the existence of a god.  A deistic god whose properties are up in the air.  It could have been any figure of religious significance throughout history that did this.  So this argument falls flat on its ass.  Not one part of this held up.

The real tragedy of this is that this whole argument ignores Occam’s Razor.  Which is more likely – that a supreme being that has magical powers that can completely ignores the Laws that govern physics in this universe and created everything, or that this universe came together through completely possible scientific means?  According to science, it is very possible for this universe to have come to be.  The Big Bang Theory has a mountain of scientific evidence.  This God creature, on the other hand, has none.

To all  of the Christians who are arguing for this point of view, stop it.  It is dumb, and an even moderately intelligent atheist can beat the shit out of it.  Stick to the faith thing.  You’re better at it.

Until next time, a quote,

“So even if the Cosmological Argument held water, which it doesnt, it holds about as much water as a spaghetti strainer, it still wouldn’t argue for any particular god.”  -TJ Kincaid, Arguments for God: The Cosmological Argument

Peace out,


My Grown-up Christmas List

When I was a kid, life seemed so much simpler.  Christmas was such an amazing time of year because I hardly got any sleep, wondering what presents I got.  I think all kids are greedy little bastards, but perhaps that’s okay.  I mean, it comes but once a year, and it makes them happy.  That’s not a bad thing, right?  As a grown-up, I now think about what I want.  What I really want.  None of it is material.  The gifts that I truly want are, well, see for yourself

  • I want a place where I can sleep.
    I’m tired all the time, but while my body may rest, it isn’t sleep.  It is just being unconscious.  To me, being able to sleep means finding a place where my mind can find solace.  The only time that has ever happened was in the arms of another.  I am casually sleeping with somebody, but it isn’t for the sex.  At least, not completely.  It is for the quiet moments, and being able to sleep again.  I have missed sleep so much.  I have missed being able to not be alone at night.  I am still looking for a real relationship, for real love, but for now, I am glad for this.  However, what I truly want is a place where I can find true sleep.
  • I want my friends to be able to have good lives.
    So often, I talk to my friends, the people that I care about most, and I hear all the hardship, all the pain, all the effort, with so little gain.  One friend is going to be working two jobs just to get by, almost never doing anything fun.  It is a bitter truth – that she has to do that.  Then there is my best friend.  She works so unbelievably hard.  She is absolutely swamped.  This semester, she was broken by a relationship coming apart so bad that she was physically ill for some time.  But she still kept at it, still stood strong.  She has so much work on her plate because she has to live.  She is going to college, while also working every chance that she isn’t in class.  She busts her ass, and will still just barely be scrapping by.  Her home life is hell too.  This isn’t the kind of life that a person should be forced to live.  I know that there are so many others who have that and worse, and I wish they all could be happy, but these people are the ones that are right in front of me, and I wish that they could have a joyful life.
  • I want a place that I feel welcome at.
    I come back here, day in and day out, I am made to feel like crap.  I am told about how I am just so worthless, how I am so disrespectful, how I am so rude, how I am so dumb.  All I ever hear in this place anymore is about how awful a child I am.  I hear about how I never help, and about how I never listen.  I hear about how I do this wrong, that wrong, how I am not doing enough.  I wake up to it, I got to sleep to it.  I am so unbelievably bitter, but nobody cares.  They only care that they get “help.”  Like I have never helped anybody around here ever.  No, I am cooking dinner for them, helping with two Christmas dinners, but no, I’ve never done anything to help anybody.  And this is how it always is.  I hate this place.  I hate everything about it.  I hate the bright lights, I hate the colored paper.  I fucking hate Christmas!  No, I don’t hate Christmas – I hate everything!  I hate every single aspect of this fucking house and whenever I am here, in the summer or winter, I get to hear about what a bad son I am.  Fuck this place!  I want out!  I want a home where I can go and always feel welcome.  This home is nothing but an emotional gulag, and the people in it are my jailors.  If I could have, I would have stayed in Anchorage.  I always would.  I have never, and will never feel at home here.  I wish there was somewhere that did.
  • I want time to pass slower.
    There are so many times that I am with somebody whose company I enjoy so much, but it is so incredibly brief that it isn’t like we got to spend time together at all.  I am gone from their company in a blink.  That really sucks.  It seems like all the really good moments that I get are so incredibly brief.  It’s almost like they don’t happen.  I would shed a tear about it, if I still had tears to shed.  I lost those ages ago.
  • I want there to be some kind of meaning to it all.
    It seems like all the pain and suffering that I went through with my head injury, and still go through with the medical hell my life has become, and all of the shit that happens to everybody I care about (the few that there are), like it is all just part of a rigged game that you can’t escape, so why bother?  That’s a horrible paradigm to have to work with.  If only there was a reason to it all.  I secretly know there isn’t.  There is no God, so that’s out.  There is no supreme being or magical entities or anything.  We are all just on a speck of rock floating in the vastness of the cosmos, clinging to existence at the edges of nowhere.  But part of me wishes that there was a reason.  I don’t wish for God or gods, let me be understood.  I wish for reason.  It may not make sense to you, but there is a reason.

So that’s it, that’s the Christmas list that I have as a grown-up.  I really want these wishes to come true, but they won’t.  Instead, I will just keep going, not knowing what to do.  Life sucks, it really does.  I keep trying, but in the end, the end result is the same – that I am just going through the motions of living.  I don’t care about life, not really.  I just keep going thinking that someday, maybe, it will all be better.  Part of me has given up hope to that point.

Until next time, a quote,

“”I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see… they’re all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down…. There’s no conclusive science.  My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting…. I find it more comforting to believe that this isn’t simply a test.”  -Gregory House, House M.D.

Peace out,