Giving Guns to Kids is Fun! (A Response to the NRA)

Before we get too far into this, let me say that I am not one of these people who believes that kids need to be protected from everything.  I tend to believe that we are treating children like they are made of glass and have to be protected from everything.  However, the NRA recently did something that pissed me off.  It pissed me off so much because they decided to take a tragedy and turn it into a chance for them to market for their hobby – ammosexuality.  The worst thing about it is – it spits in the face of the victims of this tragedy and it makes a mockery of what should be a serious talking point – giving high-powered, automatic weapons to kids.

I’m sure that all of you know about the tragic death in Arizona.  See, some ammosexual dumbfuck decided that they were going to teach their nine year old daughter how to hande a fucking Uzi!  An Uzi!  What on Earth does a kid that young need with a gun like that?!  I’m just dying to know what the answer is.  Naturally, this gun was far too powerful for her.  The instructor switches the weapon to full-auto and the girl loses control of it.  A video was made of the girl blowing the instructor’s head off.  For real, you get to see this poor kid as she is covered in blood and has the death of a human being on her conscious.  This kid is going to be scarred forever because of this, and the family who put her in that situation should be fucking ashamed.  I feel so bad for this kid, because she is nine years old, and she has the death of someone following her around.  I can’t imagine how hard that is.

Of course, an incident this crazy, along with another incident of a boy losing control of an Uzi and killing his father, got people to talking about gun regulation.  More specifically, whether or not children should be allowed to handle guns when they are that young.  Especially a gun that is powerful and can take a life.  It’s not like these kids had a BB gun and shot someone in the ass.  Hell, I was that kid.  No, these are guns that can kill and kick like mules.  But the moment that we want to talk about gun regulation, the NRA had to get involved.

Before we get too far down this path, I’m not for banning of all guns like some of my liberal compatriots.  I may be a left-wing douche, but I know that banning guns would be a useless waste of time, because it would just have people using guns illegally.  Banning things doesn’t work in this country.  However, I am NOT against there being some stricter regulations on gun ownership.  I see nothing wrong with people having to have a license to own a firearm.  We license people to drive and to vote, it’s only fair that we have them have a license to use a weapon that can easily kill people.

Despite all of the tragic elements in play, however, the NRA had to be a bunch of fucking pricks who use this opportunity to shill out something for themselves – how to have fun with the kids at the gun range!  Don’t believe me?  Here’s a link to an article talking about a Tweet that the NRA sent out two days after the shooting, with an article attached to it that talks about the seven ways that you can have fun with the kids at the gun range.  Are you fucking kidding me?!  You had to go and use a tragedy that is going to scar a little girl for life to hock your shit?!  What the fuck is wrong with you people?!

Naturally, they took the Tweet down, but The Huffington Post did a screen-cap and it is now making the rounds.  As always, the NRA is unapologetic.  Like they believed that taking the Tweet down would make how utterly insensitive it is go away.  The NRA is a bunch of cruel, cold-blooded ammosexuals who are so dedicated to their crowd that they will go from being against openly carrying guns in public, to being in support of it, when they felt the threat of losing their fanbase.  And, once-again, they are turning something that is tragic into a chance for them to look good.

But this isn’t like other times.  See, they can’t do like during the last big NRA fiasco after the Newtown shooting and blame violent video games.  Here, they might have to actually critically analyze this issue.  They might have to actually wonder – is it okay to have a policy that kids as young as 8 can shoot at a gun range?  Is that a good thing?  Should be we giving high-powered weapons to small children who can’t handle them?  Oh shit, that might involve doing something against our interests!  Oh no, back away!  Back away from it fast!  Quick, let’s totally get them off-topic with something else!

Like every great tragedy that I have ever seen the corporate media talk about, they decide to talk about the wrong stuff.  They decide to talk about gun ownership and gun safety.  Instead, we should be talking about not letting small children handle guns, because it is flat-out insane that we are putting the power of life and death in the hands of small children.  Hell, when I see these people who take assault rifles in public, I think that we shouldn’t be giving it to some adults.  Let’s not make this another ideological divide that we can argue about until we’re blue in the face.  Why are responsible gun owners not with us on this?  I’m sure that some are, and good on them.  But an issue this simple should be clear to everybody.

And my heart goes out to both that poor girl and the poor boy who now have to live with seeing someone get killed right in front of them.  It must fuck a kid up when you watch someone’s brains go out and die.  I hope that they can get the help they need and go on to leave this horrible tragedy behind.

Until next time, a quote,

“And the problem isn’t just that they’re so legal in America.  It’s that they’re so beloved.  Guns aren’t just a tool of last resort, they’re awesome!  That’s why people stroke them, name them and take pictures with them.  You guys aren’t just firearm enthusiasts.  You’re ammosexuals.”  -Bill Maher

Peace out,



You Really Think Denial and Trash-Talk is the Answer?! (Another Response to Gaming Journalism)

So, it’s been two weeks since the whole thing about Zoe Quinn and her using sex and underhanded tactics to get ahead broke.  It was a story that took the gaming world by storm.  Two weeks later, it’s still being talked about.  That is a LONG time in Internetland.  For real, two whole weeks might as well be an eternity.  But people are still talking about it.  Why?  Well, the reason boils down to this – the gaming journalism sites decided to fuck with us, and we aren’t rolling over.

I originally shared Internet Aristocrat’s video on the topic, so I’ll share his two follow-up videos (first one here, second one here) that show the response from sites like Kotaku about this issue.  At first, the tactic was to simply ignore it.  Kind of like Bioware after the whole incident with the ending to Mass Effect 3.  Like Bioware, the gaming media learned that that doesn’t work.  So, their next tactic was to try and censor the conversation about this, closing comments sections, deleting forum posts and just labeling everybody who continue as unpleasant misogynists who nobody should even talk to, unless they wanted to be a misogynist as well.  Of course, that didn’t work either.  The Streisand Effect was proven through this.  Now, the gaming media has decided to take on a different tactic – mockery and attack.  I mean to get into this strategy later, but we have ground to cover.

The lack of gaming journalism to address their corruption is baffling, to me.  I mean,, do they think we don’t notice?  More evidence has come to light of other people who were fucking gaming reporters and got good press from it.  The Internet blogosphere has been uncovering so much information that the rest of the gaming press has ADMITTED that they don’t want to do, as in a recent article on Forbes.  Gaming media has admitted that they don’t want to do the work?  Really?  You all are calling yourselves journalists but you don’t want to do the work that goes into, you know, journalism?  That is about as stupid as it gets.  Not only stupid, it’s arrogant.  For real, the level of hand-waving and casual attack of their demographic who reads their shit is astounding, to me.  It’s like these people think that their shit doesn’t stink.  They got a Master’s in journalism, so they know what’s-what.  Don’t agree?  Well, you must be one of those misogynists we’ve been hearing so much about.

Perhaps this shouldn’t surprise me.  After all, in my first post talking about this, I linked a video by one of my favorite video game reviewers, Angry Joe, which talked about the corruption of the gaming media.  He discussed having an interview with Jeoff Keighley and how Keighley took Joe’s inexperience and threw it in his face, and when Joe asked him a question in a Q&A panel that was being hosted, he got mocked by not just Keighley, but others in the room as well.  Like they weren’t supposed to be answering hard questions.  That was too difficult.  A theme that we see a lot, in all of this – too difficult for them.

In a recent Forbes article, Eric Cain decided to talk about the issue, while not talking about the issue at all.  He said that he didn’t want to discuss the issue in detail, that it was problematic for him.  After giving scant details, he talks about how journalists have a tough job and that it’s hard to keep relationships separated from one’s work.  Really?  That’s your defense?  My mind harkens back to a skit on SNL during the election season between Bush and Kerry.  They had an awesome Bush impersonator who, when pressed by journalists as to why no weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq, responded –

Because it’s hard!  We worked really hard!  We had people come in nights and weekends!  We worked really hard…

That’s what this feels like.  It feels like the “we work hard, so shut up, you lazy gamers” defense.  Like gamers have never held down a job.  All gamers are neckbeards that live in their parents’ basement, right?  Actually, given a recent slew of articles that have been vilifying pretty much every gamer there is, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the belief.  See, the most recent thing to happen on this whole affair is a TON of articles being dropped that basically say that being a gamer is wrong, how gamers are misogynists and how gaming is dead.  These publications have decided to go for the gold and totally insult the people who read them.  I’m just dying to know what the rationale behind that is.  I mean, did they decide – well, we’ve lost our gaming fanbase, so we might as well just go out with a bang.  Maybe we can start writing feminist articles now.  I mean, it’s not like we are trying very hard to write anything worth reading.  We can’t be bothered to do actual research.  Maybe we can get on the Tumblr feminist wagon and ride that gravy train for all its worth.

The reality here is that this entire PR meltdown is the gaming journalist company’s fault.  For real, they have no one to blame but themselves.  Instead of actually showing some ethical integrity, they threw the valid criticisms of people in their face.  Instead of actually trying to feign concern for their audience, they decide to label gamers are misogynists and saying that gamers are bad people.  Instead of actually showing some accountability and putting their foot down on these practices, they decide that we should all just shut the fuck up.

The Internet Aristocrat makes a good point at the end of his latest video – this is really making the whole Dorito thing with Jeoff Keighley look really good.  IGN may be a bunch of corporate shills, but at least they are honest about it.  They shill, but at least they are not getting hip-deep into this mess.  I am a student of journalism and public communication.  I studied PR and could actually have done a PR campaign for these companies that would be a thousand times less insulting than what we have been given.  And these companies clearly don’t care, because they just gave their fanbase the finger and then waved off.

How’s that working for ya?

Until next time, a quote,

“The more you learn, the less you know.”  -Omar Little, The Wire

Peace out,


SIONR: I HATE Doctor Who

I’m gonna take flak for this.  I just know it.  I just know that the Tumblrites are going to come out of their corners and give me shit for this, because man does this show have a loyal following!  I simply do not understand the loyalty of the fans for this show and how they seem unable to listen to the serious flaws that it has without getting upset.  I swear, it’s like a religion at this point.  These people know all the jokes, all the episodes, all the assistants to the Doctor, all of the outfits.  I have heard people bitching about that, by the way.  The fanbase for this show is more hardcore about their show than most modern Christians are about their Bible.  That’s saying something.  But, let me tell you something that I unequivocally believe – I hate Doctor Who.

My oldest friend, Sara, tried to get me into the show.  I sat down with her and her husband and watched episode after episode on Netflix.  But no matter how hard they tried to get me into it, I just kept thing – this show is REALLY stupid.  It’s really, really stupid.  The most evil creatures in this universe are creatures that look like a blender with a plunger and a whisk attached.  How is that frightening?  How can anybody take it seriously?  How can you, audience at home?  I hear a lot of people talk about how it’s the campy charm.  Okay, fine.  Fine, I’ll give you that.  If you like this series for all the charming little bits about bobs, good for you.  But that’s not enough for me.  I need more.  I love good sci-fi, and I genuinely believe that Doctor Who is bad sci-fi.

There are a lot of little reasons that I don’t like the show, but here is the major reason that I absolutely despise this series – it doesn’t follow its own rules and just shoehorns in whatever it wants, whenever it feels like it.  Good science fiction has established boundaries.  It can play within those boundaries, or bend them every once and a while for the purpose of a good idea, but the core boundaries have to remain intact, or else it can’t be taken seriously.

The best example for this is the Mass Effect trilogy.  Part of the reason that so many people hated the ending to the third game was because it decided to throw out the established rules of the franchise.  I mean, why is the person who controlled all the Reapers living on the Citadel?  If he lived there, then why exactly did they need Sovereign to open the gate to Dark Space in the first game?  How it is it that shooting a tube is able to send out a signal that can disable all Reapers?  How is it that grabbing two do-dads can make Shepard into a machine and let him/her control all the Reapers?  How does jumping into a beam of light merge all organic and synthetic life?  How is that even possible?  Why does the signal to do all of these unbelievably powerful things destroy the Mass Relays?  Better question – if it destroys the Mass Relays, how is everyone not dead?  I destroyed a Mass Relay in the Arrival DLC in Mass Effect 2.  It caused an explosion that destroyed hundreds of lightyears of space.  How is all organic life in the galaxy not totally dead?

In a series that had a vast codex that clearly established the rules behind its premise, when it broke those rules so completely, just to end the series, the fans were naturally pissed.  That’s bad sci-fi.  Just the same, Doctor Who has a bad habit of breaking its own rules whenever it feels like it, just so that they can have a Buddhist monk in Victorian Scotland.  Or when they say that all the evil blenders are dead, until they come back.  In fact, a lot of the villains die, until they come back.  The helpers can make amazing sacrifices, until they come back.  You know what, this is starting to sound like a fucking comic book!  For real, how many heroes die in the comics, just to be brought back later on?  How many villains die, just to be brought back when its convenient?  This show has a terrible habit of doing stuff one week, only to undo it the next, just so they can have a nice premise for another episode.  You know what that feels like, to me – lazy, lazy writing.  For real, the writers of this series don’t have any other ideas to go with, so they just bring back old stuff for sentimental value.

This show fucks continuity like a $3 whore!  And it doesn’t seem to care.  What’s more, the dedicated fanbase doesn’t seem to care.  In fact, they squee like teenage girls when they see an old element brought back for no fucking reason.  It never strikes them as bad writing.  I think that you’re the only series that can get away with it.  For real, if Dexter had ever had a killer just suddenly come back to life after we saw them die, people would think that that was retarded and the show would lose all credibility.  But you adhere to a rule that I see in film all the time – “Oh, didn’t show it!  Time to make a sequel!”  You know where I see that?  Bad sequels to movies!  It’s a trick where Hollywood filmmakers go through a movie that they want to make a sequel to with a fine-toothed comb and find all the little plot holes that they can exploit and then do so, for the purpose of making a cheap buck.  They know that the film is going to suck, so they don’t care if it is lazy.  It’s just cheap money.

Now, with this series, they do this with a wink to the audience, like they know that this is kind of silly, and part of me gets that.  For real, if the idea is not to take it all too seriously, good for them.  But I can’t just accept that wink, because it happens all the fucking time.  It means that I have to now accept that you are self-aware enough to know how dumb this is, but you simply don’t care!  How do you do that and not feel just a little bit of shame?

The worst part of all is that I can see that there are times when the series is willing to try so hard.  There were a couple episodes that I watched with Sara that I was actually getting into it.  I saw some great sacrifice and it felt cool to see, and I was enjoying it.  Only for it to be undone later on and make me think that nobody who wrote that episode that I liked cared that they just ruined it for me.

I genuinely don’t believe that Doctor Who is a good series.  I think that it is a really bad one.  However, after all this ranting, let me say this – don’t let my jaded and over-analytical opinion stop you from liking what you like.  For real, if you like this show and you think that it is just the coolest thing since pizza, then good for you.  Enjoy what you like and don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise.  It’s good that you feel that way, and I’m glad that we can all do that.  But I have never and will never like this series.  It doesn’t care about continuity and it doesn’t even seem to realize that it will have to end, someday.  The entire premise of this series is EXACTLY like a comic book.  It all just never ends.  Which leads me to this question, Whovians – is there any ending to this show that would satisfy you?  For real, let me know.

Until next time, a quote,

“When reading a book, one hopes it doesn’t turn into a painful process. Predictable is bad enough. Laborious is acceptable if the labor produces fruit. But with painfully bad writing, all one can do is grab a hatchet, slice off its head, and bury it.”  -Chila Woychek

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: Kirk Cameron’s: Saving Christmas

Before you call foul, it’s real!  This is fucking real!  Oh my god, this is the best thing I have seen in a long time.  This is certainly the year for Christian propaganda films, and this one looks to be joining the ranks as fast as it possibly can.  And this film looks to be taking the cake for the most enjoyably bad Christian propaganda film yet.  This is the best Christmas gift a guy could ask for – laughter.

First, here is the trailer for the film, so you can join with me in enjoying how stupid this looks –

So, the first thing to note is that this film is by Kirk Cameron.  The child star-turned Christian nutcase who often is in videos with his good buddy, Ray Cumfart.  He has decided to be yet-another Christian who goes after the idea that we need “Christ back in Christmas.”  You know, because it wasn’t totally a holiday stolen by the Christians from the pagans, since it is almost-impossible that Jesus was born on December 25th.  But whatever.

For real, none of that even matters to me.  I mean, did you watch that trailer?  For real, this is probably the worst-looking film that I have ever seen!  The “acting” is on par with an elementary school play.  The shots are grotesque, with some of the close-ups being WAY too close for comfort.  The lighting is like a commercial (in fact, the entire film looks like it is supposed to be a commercial).  They have a bunch of children who are extras and they clearly don’t have any directing going on.  They are just being weird in the background and it is so cute to watch.  Cute and sad.  And just to have a nice cherry on the top, they have a stereotypical black guy who is meant to cater to that demographic.  I guess this film watches a lot of Tyler Perry and wants to emulate it.  It says at the end that this is a family-made film.  It tells.  It really does.  Everything about this trailer is wrong.  Deathly, deathly wrong.

It is becoming very telling this year how Christianity at large feels about my crowd – the non-believers.  With films like “God’s Not Dead,” “Heaven is For Real” and “Persecuted,” they are really trying to get hip with the younger audiences.  However, it doesn’t work.  For real, this films have all been universally bad.  So bad that they are good, without a single exception.  “God’s Not Dead” still has the top spot, but I am eager to see if this film can measure up to how terrible it is by showing off the “acting” chops of Kirk Cameron and his family.

I can’t give an Initial Verdict on this film because it will be terrible in construction, but fun to watch in how bad it is.  So, I’ll do two Initial Verdicts for this film, and we’ll see how it stacks up.  I hope you all are as excited as I am.

Initial Verdict
Film Quality:
2 out of 10

7 out of 10

Peace out,


Lucien’s Review: Tales of Xillia 2

Tales of Xillia 2Well, here we are for another JRPG.  What’s more, it’s a sequel to a game that I already reviewed.  For those who read that review, you might know what’s coming.  For those who read my Self-Indulgent and Overstated Nerdrage (SIONR) posts, you’ll know what I thought of the ending of the original game.  Let’s just say, I had problems with it.  However, I could tell right from the ads that this game is not going to be like that, and damn if it didn’t deliver…kind of.  In some ways, this game is SO much better than its predecessor.  In other ways, it is SO much worse.  It is a solid game, if you like this franchise, but buyer beware.  I’ll get more into that soon.

First, the plot.  You play an almost-silent protagonist named Ludger Kresnik.  He is starting his new job at a train station as their cook, when he meets an old friend from the first game – Jude.  Following a situation on a train, he meets a young and mysterious girl named Elle.  Ludger becomes a kind of guardian for the girl, as the two begin to unravel a mystery of failing dimensions, which threatens their own.  Like most JRPGs, the plot gets REALLY complicated.

Now, the best thing, and I do mean this, about this game is its story.  It is better in every way than its predecessor.  Seeing the old gang having grown older is really nice.  Their bonds of friendship now don’t require a TON of awful dialogues about friendship.  Now, like real people, it just is.  They give each other shit, talk about serious thing and it feels so much more natural than the first game.  Ludger becomes one of the gang pretty well too, which is weird, considering how you almost never hear him speak a word.  That is something worth addressing – his silence can get REALLY creepy.  You can choose his responses to things, but he never speaks them aloud, unless you unlock it in New Game + mode, which is really stupid.  Still, the gang is tight, and the little kid is just so adorable.  She reminds me of an actual little kid with some of her responses, and it is just too much fun.

There are a lot of rehashed areas in this game.  However, this game doesn’t just feel like a copy-paste of the previous one.  There are some new places, and little changes to older ones that give it a lot of flavor.  The music is also mostly the same as well.  At times, that can be nice.  At others, it can be dull.  However, some of the newer tunes really fit in.

However, there are two problems in this game primarily – the combat and the leveling-up system.  While in most ways, combat in this game is a rehash of the previous entry, they added a TON of stuff that Ludger can do, and the complication becomes a total drag after a while, because it forces one to REALLY micro-manage battles.  On higher difficulty, it is almost impossible to do well unless you have done the grind to get as high a level as possible.  Easier said than done.  For real, it’s good that I am in to this game for the story, because I turned the difficulty down, just so I wasn’t on some of the same boss fights for a million years.

The other problem is leveling up.  Much like the battle system, they made it WAY more complicated than it needed to be.  Instead of leveling up on a grid, like the previous game, they have you leveling up skills based on which stone that you have.  You have to absorb elemental stones, and have those gradually level up certain things.  What’s more – to change what you level up, you are CONSTANTLY having to change out stones.  When you only have a couple that somebody isn’t already using, this can be such a pain in the ass.  It’s micro-management hell in the worst way.

This is a game that is both very good for what it is, and a giant pain in the ass.  However, as I see it, the story is worth all of that.  It is engaging, the characters are loads of fun and it is fun to play.  However, the problems with it are real and they are sometimes bad enough to be noticeable.  With that in mind, I have come up with a final verdict for the game.

Final Verdict
7 out of 10

Peace out,


Lucien’s Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians of the GalaxyI’m not gonna lie – I’m getting TIRED of sequels.  For real, there are SO many movie sequels out there that I hardly even pay attention to film anymore.  There are the diamonds in the rough, like the latest X-Men film, which was totally awesome in all the right ways, or the Captain America sequel, which actually did manage to be pretty smart and fun to watch.  But overall, the sequels are getting dry and I am getting bored.  When I saw the preview for Guardians of the Galaxy, I brightened up quite a bit.  With how big the Marvel universe is, they hardly ever show us anything past Earth.  This film would do it!  This film would actually make the Marvel universe bigger!  When is this movie coming out?!  And I’m happy to say that this film met all my expectations and was a total blast to watch.

So, the plot of this film is that a young boy is abducted from Earth, following a personal tragedy.  26 years later, the boy is now all grown up, a two-timing thief who thinks himself an outlaw, going by the name “Starlord.”  Following the theft of an orb of unknown value, the man is now wanted by various elements of the galaxy, all of which want this orb for very bad reasons.  Now, the battle is on to get rid of this orb and save the galaxy from a tyrant who you all might know – Thanos.

The first thing that is worth talking about in respect to this movie is that it hardly takes itself seriously.  Like, ever.  That is worth keeping in mind if you are on the fence about seeing it.  It doesn’t take itself seriously, so neither should you.  With so many superhero movies trying to be all gritty and dark, like The Dark Knight, it was kind of refreshing to a superhero movie that had all the campy charm and 80’s humor that this film had.  This film’s humor was its best quality, and it took advantage of it every chance it got.  In fact, this film brought a lot of visual humor to the plate in a way that I haven’t seen in a dog’s age.

The next thing worth mentioning is the visuals.  This film looked amazing!  The best effect was, without a doubt, the animation of Rocket.  He looked like he was there, and the way he interacted with the world, it was just so priceless.  The rest of the film’s visuals were awesome.  I saw it in 2D, because I REFUSE to see 3D films.  It’s a cheap gimmick that needs to die already (it’s showing signs of going).  However, never did the film feel like it only works in 3D.

The next thing to bring up is the movie’s soundtrack.  Oh my god!  As a person who loves music from back in the day, this felt SO freakin’ cool to me!  It’s clear that the director was having fun with the music too, because the way that they integrated it into the film was often hilarious.  They had too much fun with musical integration and I am so glad that they did.  And the film never stops using it.  Right off the bat, the soundtrack is a big part of the film, which is all that better, if you ask me.

However, the best thing about this film is the characters.  Since the plot can get BEYOND cheesy at points, and that is a really big qualm that I would normally have, this film had to have the characters be the thing that the audience got attached to, much in the same way as the reboot of Star Trek.  And I’m glad to report – they are awesome!  Each character has SO much personality.  My favorite was Rocket.  He has so much attitude and given his awesome animation, it was like he was really there.  Plus, a lot of characters had their backstories explained in cheesy ways.  With Rocket, learning his story is actually emotionally jarring.  You see him as so much attitude for so long that you forget that his story is pretty sad, underneath it all.

Of course, this film isn’t perfect.  Some of its pitfalls do stand out enough to annoy me a touch.  All the talks about friendship become REALLY tiresome.  The plot of this film is about as cliche as it gets.  The villain is hardly developed, and you don’t have a lot of time to get to know what either of the daughters of Thanos’ histories are, which would have helped, since both of them are clearly important characters.  Most of the characters have backstories that are explained in the most cheesy way possible.  Oh yeah, and this film’s ending could not have been happier if it tried.  Given how much like a comic book this film was trying to be, I get that, but still.  There’s only so much sunshine I can have dumped on me.

So, all-in-all, this was a very good film.  It was a breath of fresh air for Marvel, and they needed it.  With all the sequels that we are having to suffer through, a film that is its own thing and having fun with it is pretty freakin’ cool.  This is not a perfect movie, but it doesn’t have to be.  Sometimes, it just has to be fun.  Fun, funny and a wild ride.  I am fine with that.

Final Verdict
8 out of 10

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: Fantasia: Music Evolved

For those of you who don’t know, my favorite Disney film is also my second favorite film of all time.  It was my favorite film up until I saw The Sky Crawlers and 5 Centimeters Per Second, which are now tied for the top slot.  This was the first Disney film that I ever saw.  It was what got me so in love with music.  I LOVE that film.  It has such resonance with me that if you sit my ass in front of a TV and put that on, I’m just fine.  For real, I’m set.  If you want to talk to me, I can do that, except when Rite of Spring, Nutcracker and A Night on Bald Mountain are playing.  Seriously, you shut the fuck up when those come on.

I remember seeing the trailers for the sequel, Fantasia 2000, and I was like – oh fuck yeah!  It looked amazing!  And aside from the TERRIBLE cameo openings to some of the skits (which were PAINFUL to watch), it was everything I wanted and then some.  For real, the scenes with Pines of Rome, Rhapsody in Blue and The Firebird, you can shut the fuck up.  I’m busy.

I wrote an entire post about what I would love to see in a third movie.  I would have loved it if they got Studio Ghibli to put their talents into a part of the film, using some music from famous Japanese composers.  I can think of a couple off the top of my head who would be nice for that.  Pixar could have created something of theirs to add in.  With a third film, and all these studios they have, they could have let the animation BREATHE a little!  I can see it all in my head, and it looks awesome!  You know what I can’t see?  You know the thing that I never saw when I thought of a new venture into the world of Fantasia – a fucking video game for the fucking Kinect!  Seriously, what the fuck?!

Here’s a preview to this game that I can already tell you is going to be a giant piece of shit –

Seriously, what the fuck is that?!  Disney, I’m going to try and contain the bottomless depths of my rage and actually talk to you for a moment – what in the HELL were you thinking?!  What on Earth compelled you to make a game about Fantasia?  What compelled you to make it for the Kinect?!  Have you seen the Kinect’s track record?!  That thing is worse than were you unaware of Sonic Free Riders and Star Wars Kinect?  Has nobody told you about how much nobody likes the Kinect?  The latest version of the Xbox One (a system I never mean to own) doesn’t come with it.  Microsoft finally decided to stop trying to get the public to like this piece of crap.

But you know, I could actually forgive all that.  I could actually be willing to give this trash a chance, until you make it clear – this thing will have modern music!  WHAT?!  No!  Modern music?!  Modern popular garbage?!  With words?!  Did you all just forget what Fantasia was supposed to represent?!  Did you all just forget why people were such fans of the film in the first place?  I literally don’t understand how you could possibly believe that this was a good idea.

But you know, I think that I know where this came from.  Just like all other terrible decisions of exploitation on video games, it came from you seeing a chance to make a cheap buck.  After all, if we’ve learned anything from the video games that you are behind over the last 10 or so years, it’s that you don’t care about them and are trying to pander to kids.  Well, nice work, Disney, you branched out.  Instead of pandering to kids, you are now trying to pander to brainless teenagers.  Well isn’t that special.

If only Walt could see you now – a greedy, money-grubbing company that butt-fucks all of your past successes.  It’s not enough to just let a good idea lie.  No, you have to exploit it, because it can still make you money.  For as bad as the intros and one of the skits in Fantasia 2000 (the one with the flamingos) are, I could still see a TON of heart put into that.  Heart that is CLEARLY not in this piece of shit!  This is pandering at its worse, and laziness at its best.

See, I think I’ve figured out what Disney does now, having become a giant and totally evil megacorporation that is trying to take over all entertainment.  See, here’s how it works, and I learned this from when I saw the sequels to Aladdin and The Lion King – you take franchises that already have established fan bases and you decide that you want more money.  Since you seem to be out of people with fresh ideas, you think – hey, let’s just keep going with these ones!  Because the people are dumb and they’ll watch it.  So again and again and again, you take the things we loved as children and decide to chew them up and once you can’t squeeze any more money out of them, you throw their mangled corpses out on to the floor.  That’s how evil you are.  Let’s remember – you decided to buy Lucasarts and then kill them, destroying Star Wars 1313 too.  I shouldn’t expect much.

And now, you’ve gone and shit on one of my favorite movies of all time.  Fuck you, Disney.  Fuck. You.

Initial Verdict
0 out of 10

Peace out,