RAB: Star Wars Stars Leaving the Franchise, and the Death of Film as a Medium

Because I have absolutely no life, and spend an inordinate amount of time on the Internet, I have been seeing some really interesting stories lately making the rounds.  For starters, did you know that none of the major stars in Disney’s new Star Wars films are ever coming back for any sequels or spin-offs or anything else?  I saw that article, and here was my thought – don’t let the door hit you on the way out!  Good fucking riddance!  Your movies were either bland or terrible.  I’m more than happy to see you go away.

I did a First Take of the trailer for The Rise of Skywalker.  It’s resoundingly clear that Abrams is just trying to pump in as much nostalgia as possible to try and break even with the franchise now that the fan base is pretty much incensed.  Or at least that’s what I would think, if there wasn’t another article I read where someone interviewed the head of Disney, Bob Iger.  Iger outright said that the goal of this film is to completely lay to rest the entire concept of the original trilogy so they can basically divorce themselves from the expectations they can have with it.  The goal being with a new trilogy to find some new audience to ensnare into this franchise which should have been led out to pasture 30 fucking years ago.

Speaking of the final nail in the coffin for a once great franchise, did you hear that the next film is gonna have LGBTQ representation!  Wow!  J.J. Abrams said so.  Except, people like me with any kind of perspective on all this realize what kind of “representation” we are talking about – the kind that you can easily edit out.  The kind that isn’t plot-significant.  The kind where it’s tacked-on, just so they can get them some of those sweet brownie points.  Because they still want to market this film in China, after all.  And China has themselves a big rule – no ghosts, no gays.  You wanna put that gay shit in a movie you are going to market overseas, it’s going to be something that can be easily edited out because the last thing you want is to offend the precious Chinese censors who might not let you get that sweet China cheddar.  Just like Blizzard, they care so much about the precious LGBTQ community, except where it could actually dip into their profits.  These companies are so full of shit, and yet people think Disney is “progressive.”  What a fucking joke.

But back to what Iger said, that really got me to thinking.  He went on in the article to talk about how what they are doing with Star Wars ties into what they are doing with 20th Century Fox, and how they basically want to not make anything new, but instead just take old concepts and remake them.  Dude actually said that it should be expected that if you don’t do that regularly with every franchise you can, the concept will just die.  You know, like that’s a bad thing.  When I read shit like that, it really does make me fear for the medium of film.

After all, how many great films could be made right now if it wasn’t for studios deciding that instead of taking actual risks, it’s better to just feed people more of the same shit?  Which in turn does mean I have to look down my nose at the dumb fuck public who pays money for this stuff.  After all, it’s not like great films are never made.  They happen all the time.  It’s just that they go onto a list I keep that I call – great movies that no one has ever seen.  Because why pay money for something that might not be your cup of tea, when you can pay money to see the latest Marvel film.  Did you see the new Black Widow trailer?  Yeah, that looked like shit.  If only it was made before Kevin Feige had left the MCU.  Then maybe it would have actually had a chance to be good.  A film about a good character, that came out too late to be interesting.

I’ve reached the point that I don’t go see films in theaters anymore.  After all, the only stuff that gets released there anymore is just the big budget shit that we’ve all seen before.  Meanwhile, I stick at home and get Netflix DVD and Blu-rays that come to my place, with me able to watch on my nice TV where it’s quiet and I don’t have to bother with annoying people.  Where I can eat pizza and pause to use the john.  It’s 1000X better than going to the theaters will ever be.  So Disney will keep buying studios and reprocessing great films into shit ones, all so they don’t have to worry about a franchise heading into obscurity and actually do something different.  Because that’s scary!  It might not make back a ton of money!  What if it doesn’t sell in China?!  Holy shit!

Film as a medium and the potential it had is dying, and the public has NO ONE to blame but themselves.

Until next time, a quote,

“Conjecture: why should I make anything up? Life is bad enough without trying to make more of it.” – HK-47, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: Star Wars IX: Rise of Skywalker l Final Trailer

I can’t believe how bad this look.  I’ve been seeing some reactions around, and people who think this is gonna be some tour de force for the trilogy that will bring it back after Rian Johnson shit all over it, and I genuinely don’t get where these reactions are coming from.  Did we watch the same trailer?!  Because all I saw there was just blatant pandering to what fandom is left and a desperate attempt to try and bring some of the die-hards back with desperate nostalgia grabs.  John Williams makes good music!  Did you all hear that?!  And the Emperor is back!  Doesn’t that excite you?  Oh, and old-school star destroyers!  You gotta be excited about that!  Let’s watch this insufferable pile of shit.

Our first shot and I hate it.  Look, the helmet from the Endor mission!  And a lightsaber!  If only it was being used by someone who isn’t a fucking Wheat Thin.  It’s been said by everyone on the Internet, but can we all address the fact that Rey is a fucking Mary Sue?  She is perfect at everything.  You can describe her personality with a fart sound.  Daisy Ridley can’t act.  Although, you know, part of me wonders if this is really on her or if it’s the writing of the character that is just so bland that no one could make this role memorable.  I hear she was in some Shakespeare shit.  Maybe she does better.  I doubt I’ll ever know.

And look, Finn is back!  Because he’s SO much more interesting, right?  You know, J.J. Abrams had a plan for this trilogy.  It makes me wonder what could have been.  But as it stands, Finn is the equivalent of an chocolate graham cracker.  His personality is equally bland, much less interesting.  Rich Evans once hypothesized that he was going to be the Ron Stoppable to Rey’s Kim Possible.  That could have been an interesting take.  And Jar Jar Rose is back!  You know, the most insufferable character from the last film.  I’m so glad to see her.  Not to body shame, but it’s really noticeable that she’s put on a lot of weight.  Genuinely not trying to shame her, it’s just something that caught my eye.  Given her lack of personality from the last film, all I knew about her is that she’s Asian, and chunky.

From there we get some pretty nifty CG shots.  Because if we can’t have an engaging plot, we might as well have beautiful visuals!  Rey does some terrible narration, and then…oh fuck.  Kylo Ren is back.  I hate this guy so much.  He’s so bland and non-threatening.  There’s nothing about him as a villain that even remotely engages me.  In the first film they played it up like he’s playing at being Darth Vader, and how it was kinda sad, because he most assuredly isn’t.  But after the last film and what a little bitch he was, now I just wish they would kill him off and be done with it.  He says that he knows Rey.  Really?  Can you tell the audience about her, because we don’t have anything approaching a personality to lock down on this broad.

Then…oh no.  We have the Emperor narrating.  Oh fuck me.  So, because Rian Johnson is a moron and killed off Snoke, now Abrams is stuck in the position of having to find some kind of villain to actually make this plot engaging.  So now we get to have some kind of Deus Ex Machina to explain why the Emperor isn’t dead and was somehow manipulating things behind the scenes.  Jesus Christ.  This is so stupid.  Now, I get it.  Disney put themselves into a corner with this.  After all, they had to make SOMETHING to put out there and end this trilogy.  They couldn’t just leave it hanging.  But this is just sad.  This level of plot contrivance is just the worst.

Then there’s a montage of shots of cool scenery and an endless marasse of CG effects.  Rey and Dumbo (because of his giant-ass ears) having a really boring lightsaber fight.  A ship on CG water and a CG fleet coming together.  We then cut to probably the weirdest line in the film.  You have C-3PO getting a little actual puppet character to fuck with his system and hook him into something.  Then he stops and says that he wants to have one last look at his friends.  Um…what?!  When has it been established that any of these people are your friends?!  What scenes have you shared with any of these characters?!  All of your friends are dead!  Han, Luke, Leia, all dead!  Who are these fuckers to you?

We then move on to the final montage to get you revved up.  Do you remember John Williams’ great score?  Yeah, I do.  A pity it’s being waste on this shit.  And look, Billy Dee Williams!  What mansion did they haul your octogenarian ass out of to have you in this desperate attempt to cash in on nostalgia?  It’s a shame too, because I like Lando.  We then have…a horseback charge on a star destroyer.  I’m sorry, what the fuck is this?!  This is the dumbest thing I think I’ve ever seen.  Yes, because in the future all the people with lasers are going to be SO undone by morons on horseback, right?

So, according to the scuttlebutt around Hollywood, Rise of Skywalker isn’t actually finished yet.  Like, as in they’re still shooting scenes with the actors.  It’s in production.  Not post-production, but production.  With two months until release, it’s still being shot.  The reason is (allegedly) that Abrams went to the Disney executives and told them he had it ready, but that not everyone is going to like the ending.  At which point, Disney flat-out told him “um, what?  You better fucking do it again then, because we want the audience cheering for more Star Wars!”  After the massive financial black hole that was Solo: A Star Wars Story and The Star Wars Experience being a ghost town that they sunk an astronomical amount of money into, Disney is desperate to get people cheering for the new trilogy that the now-disgraced writers of Game of Thrones are supposedly doing.

I know that this movie is gonna make a fuck-ton of money, because Star Wars fanboys/girls are almost as die-hard as Nintendo fanboys/girls, but deep down I really hope it fails.  I want this franchise to die with its legacy intact.  With some level of dignity.  Not be driven into the ground until there’s nothing recognizable left.  Please, for the love of Groj just let this franchise go gracefully.

Initial Verdict
3 out of 10

Peace out,


RIP, MCU (and Spider-Man)

For those who didn’t know, the MCU is quietly going to die.  Disney will keep pumping money into it for as long as they possibly can, on their new Disney streaming service that I have zero intention of paying money to.  The actually good Disney films are ones I can buy, and already have.  The best days of this absolute whore of a company are behind them.  Good riddance, if you ask me.  Naturally, their latest live-action remake abortions Aladdin and The Lion King made a shitload of money, because the dumb-shit audiences who just want their nostalgia boners stroked will flock to theaters to watch these movies with their dumb-ass kids that they couldn’t just show the originals to.  Because why show them timeless films when you can show them ones that will be dated in a couple years?  Lots of questions.  Man was this a digression.

It seems that the door to Spider-Man continuing to be part of the MCU moving forward has officially closed.  Initially, everyone blamed Sony, when it turns out it was Disney getting greedy and demanding more money from the proceeds, when Sony has to foot the bill for the production costs.  Essentially making these movies a financial black hole for them.  I guess the long term goal was to get Sony to just sell the rights to Disney and be done with it, but they stuck to their guns.  What a horrible mistake that was.

So now we can say goodbye to this franchise having any potential whatsoever.  Sony has already announced that they have six Spider-Man TV shows in the works.  Let me repeat that – six!  Six television shows for one character.  Groj-dammit.  I guess Sony’s latest plan is to just drive this IP into the ground.  After all, they want to make movies for all of Spider-Man’s villains.  Because that worked so well with Venom, right?  A movie so poorly reviewed that even Tom Hardy hated it.  You know, because Sony slashed all the stuff that was actually violent.  Guess he won’t be back for a sequel, which you know they will make because the film made enough money for it to break even, which means – gotta make a sequel!  I feel so bad for Tom Holland.  All of that notoriety, which will go to waste on progressively-worse movies, because it’s abundantly clear that Sony can’t manage this franchise for shit.  Sony Pictures is the bastard stepchild of the film industry.

Back to Disney, did you know they plan to have over 20 MCU productions in just two years?  There will be the big blockbusters, like Chick Thor and Doctor Strange Lovecraftian Nightmare (that one might be interesting) and Guardians of the Galaxy 3: Where The Last Remnants of the Good MCU Go to Die.  Oh yeah, and a Black Widow film.  Which I guess will take place sometime before she died.  Meanwhile, they plan to have a TON of shows on their Disney streaming service.  Like Captain Falcon and Woefully Poorly Used Winter Soldier, Hawkeye: The Lost MCU Veteran, and New Blade.  And that isn’t even close to the end of it.  Thing after thing after thing, each more creatively bankrupt than the last.

See, Disney didn’t do the smart thing after the end of the Avengers saga.  Instead of taking a break from the MCU, getting some creative ideas going and flushing out a new saga to go with, they instead decided to just shove as much MCU trash at you as they possibly could.  Just drown the audience in MCU.  Pimp out Disney’s new streaming service, that is just gonna have a bunch of corporate filtered crap.  And probably not the films for the best days in Disney’s tragic history.  The complete cynic inside me thinks that what’s going on with the MCU is that Disney is trying to make as much bank as they possibly can before this franchise goes under.  They can see the financial numbers about to go down since everyone’s favorite characters are gone.  Robert Downy Jr. is out.  Samuel L. Jackson is out.  The cast of Guardians is gonna be out soon.  Tom Holland is out.  So now they have to just capitalize on the nostalgia for something that’s not even old enough to be nostalgic.  Because that’s what Disney does now.  They are nothing but a complete whore who is so desperate for your dollar that they will shove whatever they think will get you into the theaters or onto their crap streaming service out the door.  Who cares if it’s creatively bankrupt.  The brain-dead American audiences will go see it, so fuck the haters, am I right?

Part of me wonders if things wouldn’t have gone a different way if Captain Marvel had been more of a success.  But since they hired a woman who couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag and gave writers that couldn’t write a “strong” female character to save their lives, she ended up being despised.  It’s why they wisely chose to limit her role in Endgame.  Thing is, it was pretty clear they wanted her character to head up a new Avengers style saga.  With her film being a bomb, though, they had to go back to the drawing board.  The corporate boardroom one, not the kind where actual creative people do great things.  I wonder if Disney has vague memories of what that is like.

So the MCU is going to pump out as much crap as they can, making as much bank as they possible can, before superhero fatigue finally goes full burn and the audience dies just like they did for Pixar.  At which point Disney is going to move on to whatever else they can.  Like how they have gutted 20th Century Fox’s original ideas and are only pumping out movies that are nostalgic.  Like did you know they are rebooting the Alien franchise?  You know, the one where it had two of the best science fiction films of all time with a female character who was actually strong and memorable?  Yup, Disney wants to capitalize on that drama, by giving us a bland cookie-cutter remake that will basically do nothing but suck nostalgia’s cock so the brain-dead morons who give this company their money will go see it.  Fuck modern Disney.  I hate these people so much.

All of this while they are going to be running Star Wars into the ground.  Disney seems to have taken a new tack with this franchise in how they run it into the ground.  Instead of a bunch of films that could be financial black holes like Solo, or absolute dumpster fires like The Last Jedi, they are making their non-numbered films into TV shows for their streaming service.  Which are going to mostly suck, but because they are on a streaming service, the reviews won’t crucify them.  Because that stuff never gets a lot of press, unless it’s the first season of Stranger Things.

What was all this about again?  Oh yeah, how the MCU is going to die.  In conclusion, the MCU is going to die the slow, painful death of a thousand cuts.  If my audience is smart (which I assume you are), don’t contribute to the financial “success” of these movies.  Don’t give Disney your money.  Deny them that bank.  Vote with your wallet.  Tell them we don’t want processed crap and want actual creativity.  You know what, never mind.  Nobody listens to me, and if people didn’t want this trash, they wouldn’t go see it.  So I’m just wasting my time.

Until next time, a quote,

“Sometimes, the American news is like a tired old whore who only tells you what you wanna hear.” – Doug Stanhope

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order Official Gameplay Demo – E3 2019

It’s a weird year.  A really, really weird year.  First we have Activision coming out with what looks to be the best Call of Duty in ages.  A reboot of the last time their games were good.  That looks to be exceptional.  Now we have EA stepping up to the plate, with a new single-player only Star Wars game.  When I saw the initial trailer, you can imagine that I was skeptical.  It’s EA, after all.  A company that is known for being the greediest of greedy money-grubbers in the gaming industry today.  I swore that I would never buy another EA game again.  They do have that coming, after all.  Especially with how they have treated this license that Disney gave them.  Battlefront II was trash.  Just outright trash.  Well, EA’s version of it, anyway.  A dumpster fire with microtransactions galore.  The game that has got Washington actually taking action against microtransactions.  The big companies are definitely feeling the heat.  All the good, I say.

So here we have EA putting out a gameplay demo for their latest game in the license, which is a third-person action-adventure game.  I was curious to see what this looked like.  Let’s take a look, then we’ll talk about it.

Whoa.  As I said, this has been a really weird year.  It seems that EA has done something with this license that actually looks cool.  I don’t know how to feel about this.  But as I said, let’s talk about it.

We start out with our main character on what appears to be a jungle planet.  Alright.  It looks beautiful.  The visuals in this game are incredible.  Kudos where they’re due for that.  We see that our character uses the Force to help solve platforming puzzles.  I like that.  After more platforming, it looks like our nameless Jedi is meeting up with the Rebellion.  Oh look, it’s Forrest Whittaker!  At least his character.  I’m assuming the same one from Rogue One.  At least he doesn’t sound nearly as cringe-y in this as he did in that.  For real, that was the worst performance by that actor that I’ve ever seen.  Here, he’s okay.  Giving us our mission – help destroy the empire base and liberate the slaves.  Alright.  I’m down with this.  I love the line this dude has when the Rebel leader says he needs his help.  That feels like something a young man would say.  This gameplay demo is growing on me.

It seems that we are on Kashyyk, the Wookie homeworld.  Now enslaved by the Empire.  Alright!  This place looks so fantastic.  I cannot state how amazing this demo looks.  It’s beautiful.  Now we begin the journey, and I kinda love that our character uses his lightsaber as a lamp.  That’s kinda cool.  From there it seems there’s the first bit of combat.  This is what’s gotten me hooked.  Every kid who grew up loving Star Wars wanted to swing a lightsaber around.  Here, it looks pretty natural.  This combat looks to be pretty big on timing, which is fine by me.  It seems you can also use the Force to stop an enemy and everything around them.  That’s rad as fuck.

After some more fighting in the base, we are introduced to a new enemy.  A trooper who appears to be trained specifically for combat with a Jedi.  Oh yeah.  This is what I’m talking about!  As the two are fighting, I can’t help but notice something.  It looks like there is a second bar that depletes as they fight, outside of health.  It makes me think back to Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice.  For enemies like this, I kinda like that.  Makes you have to play smart.  This dude hits hard, so that makes sense.  Can’t wait to see what kinds of boss fights this system leads to.

Heading into the base, I like that we get to see there are lots of kinds of enemies that we fight.  There is some nice banter between our nameless Jedi and his droid.  And then…oh no.  Giant spiders.  Why the fuck did it have to be giant spiders?!  After killing the ugly hellspawn, it seems you can go on a little detour and learn about the local wildlife.  Why one would want to learn about giant spiders is beyond me.  *shivers*  Speaking of, now we get to fight another really big giant spider!  And it’s up-close and personal.  So fucking gross.  Though we do get to see a cool execution.  That could be fun.

Something I noticed in the giant spider den – there’s an old separatist droid in there!  I’ve talked before about how little details and attention to them goes a long way with me, well that’s another one that does.  That’s kinda cool.  It also seems that you can have your droid scan stuff and get some flavor text out of it.  That’s also cool.  A little bit of universe building.  Gaming companies are getting better about doing this stuff, and to be honest, I like it.  One final little thing that’s just so cool – you can freeze a trooper and their laser blast, then force-pull them into their own attack.  That’s just adorable.  I love it.

Then we see this big purple beam of light, and the dude doesn’t step into it.  What is that?  Why did they avoid it?  I’m really confused.  I’m the kind of gamer that I want to see absolutely everything in a game.  This is no exception.  Is that some kind of level up port?  I notice that our character gets skill points.  So what is it?

We get into a room with a couple of distance troopers, some close-up ones, and one of these elite dudes.  This is hardcore!  A battle where you have to constantly keep an eye on your surroundings and then be smart with your usage of Force powers.  Growing on me more and more.

After taking the dudes out, it looks like that’s it for this mission.  You get into the prison area where the wookies are kept.  Time to save the day.  But just as we’re about to get it done, seems the Empire has one more trick up their sleeves – a droid that’s bigger, and clearly means business.  From there, we get a montage of fighting this droid, along with more Empire, then the title.

As I said at the start, this has been a weird year.  Activision stepping up in a way to win back people with their best development company.  Now EA is doing a single-player game with no microtransactions.  This is a weird, weird year.  Perhaps these companies are starting to feel the ground shaking under their feet.  With America looking to join other countries who have outlawed loot-boxes in games accessible to children, their big cash cow might be leaving.  What would that do to their bottom line?  EA might be in trouble.  Fear is compelling companies to take risks.  I like it.  And this game looks cool.  It comes out November 15th.  I’m gonna have to put this one on the Christmas list.  November is also when Kojima’s game comes out, and I dont’ have the money to go broke like that.

Initial Verdict
It’s a weird, weird year

Peace out,


SIONR: Three More Star Wars Movies…

This franchise needs to die.  This franchise needs to fucking die right the fuck now.  It needs to die the death of a thousand cuts.  I thought that the prequels ruined this franchise, but I was wrong.  The new films did.  And before you write this off as me just being some Red Pill guy who hates the movie because wahmen, don’t.  I hate this franchise now for a whole bunch of other reasons.  Though I do think that Rey is boring and you could cut her from the most recent numbered film and nothing would have changed.  Not really.  Daisy Ridley can’t act, but that’s not her fault.  Emma Watson can’t either, and everyone loves her too.  But this franchise needs to go, and Disney has told us that it’s not going to.  Ugh…

What am I talking about?  I’m talking about the fact that Disney just announced that there are three more numbered films being made.  Groj only knows how many side-movies that means too.  You’d think they would have learned their lesson after what a financial disaster Solo was.  Well, I suppose they kind of did.  They realized that the best way to make these movies is to just feed the fandom fan service to make them cum in their pants.  That’s why you have J.J. Abrams back in the driver’s seat.  Rian Johnson tried to do something different and failed so spectacularly that J.J. outright said that he is going to retcon the ending to the previous numbered film for the next movie coming out this December.  Wow.  That’s pretty bad.  The trailer was boring and stupid, and it ends with the biggest fan service moment of all time – the Emperor laughing!  How did he survive being atomized in the Death Star?  I’m sure the answer will be stupid, but the fanbase doesn’t care.  They will cum in their pants just like Disney wants them to.

See, that’s the thing about Star Wars fans.  They are die-fucking-hard.  It doesn’t matter how stupid you makes these movies, how ridiculous the plot is, they will eat it up.  They will eat that shit sundae and make videos on YouTube defending them.  Hell, there was one where someone said the most recent numbered film was the best in the entire franchise.  J.J. Abrams said you don’t like it, you hate women.  This fanbase is so utterly exploitable.  Even Marvel isn’t this easy to cash-grab.  Disney seems to have realized where they hit their limit and is now toning it back.  But not Star Wars.  You can feel slop to these people for eons and they won’t care.  It blows my mind.  Part of why I have always avoided fandoms.  These bitches be crazy!

Never mind that The Force Awakens was a mediocre film at best.  It had the Millennium Falcon!  Never mind that Rogue One was genuinely bad for two acts, with only the final battle sequence being cool.  Never mind that The Last Jedi was a giant dumpster fire that was awful in every way, or that Solo was butt ugly to look at and boring.  They are still cheering that three more films are being made.  They don’t care.  I wonder what it would take for them to give up on the franchise.  I really do.  Disney has realized that taking risks with this license is a bad thing, so you know that it’s going to be nothing but fan service for years.  Is there ever a point where that isn’t enough?  When boring movies aren’t able to be sold to the fanbase just based on what pandering you put in there?  That’s not a rhetorical question.  I really want to know.

From where I’m standing, this franchise needs to fucking die!  It’s past the point where it is able to be enjoyed on any level.  The fan service does nothing for me.  The films have gone from mediocre and have been getting progressively worse.  Sure, Solo wasn’t even close to as bad as The Last Jedi, but the fact that it was so boring and I can’t remember the plot hardly at all is kind of worse.  I can at least remember everything about the former movie.  Especially the scene where Leia becomes Mary fucking Poppins to go back into the ship.  That was so funny to me when I watched it.  I was laughing so hard in the theater when that happened.  Got dirty looks from fanboys, but whatever.  If you can’t see why that’s so stupid, I pity you.

This franchise should have died thirty years ago.  No prequels, no sequels, just death.  Let it die with some fucking dignity.  Oh wait, this is modern Disney we’re talking about.  You know, where every one of their classic cartoon films is being remade as live-action cinematic abortion.  EVERY single one of their live-action films has sucked.  Badly.  Disney can’t let anything die.  Then they’d have to do something original, and I don’t think they even know how to do that at this point.  Things to ruminate on, eh?  I refuse to partake in any of this.  I said in my Solo review that that’s it.  No more.  I won’t let me friend give any of his money on my behalf (he convinced me to go on the pretense that he would pay my way) to see these movies when they are either going to range from okay to a turd sandwich.  I’m done.  Hopefully you are too.

Until next time, a quote,

“This sucks.”
“Yeah, this really sucks!” – Beavis and Butthead

Peace out,


Lucien’s Review: Solo: A Star Wars Movie

I swore that I am never paying to go to anything associated with Star Wars again, and I meant it.  But when my buddy called me up all sad and drunk and told me that he wanted to see it to take his mind off things and would pay my way, I decided that I would spend his money.  No sweat off my back.  After the shit-show that was The Last Jedi, this couldn’t possibly be as bad, right?  Well, yeah, it really couldn’t possibly be as bad as that flaming pile of shit.  But that doesn’t make it good.  In fact, what I would describe this movie as is painfully average.  It does nothing to surprise you, and is a boring movie to sit through.  It’s so by-the-numbers that I could see where it was going long before I got there.  Let’s talk about it.

The plot goes that instead of our boy Han Solo being some studious dude who happens to fall into crime (which is a story I would actually have liked, or at least SOME kind of inclination to who he was as a young person), he is already a criminal and working for another equally-grotesque crime boss.  The film follows him as he goes from working for that boss, to being in the Imperial military, to then being back into crime with Woody Harrelson.  Will he find all the iconic stuff from the other films and give a shit-ton of fan service so the Star Wars nerds can cum in their pants?  Well no fucking shit.  That’s a given.

The plot of this film is boring.  However, let’s not talk about that.  Instead, let’s talk about the things I liked.  There is one thing on this list.  It’s the dynamic between Chewie and Han.  When I heard the horror stories about the actor playing the titular needing an acting coach because he sucked so bad, I immediately wrote this shit off.  But then I was genuinely surprised.  He wasn’t the worst.  In fact, the moments where him and Chewie are getting to know each other and building up a repore are pretty great.  It was the only time I felt ANY investment in the film, so kudos there.

Now we get to shit I hate.  For starters – this movie is butt-ugly to look at.  What the hell was the cinematography department doing?  This is Ron Howard directing this, so it should NOT look this bad.  This is worse than Suicide Squad.  The presentation is so muted and boring and vanilla.  Not one scene in the whole damn movie stands out for being visually interesting.  If the plot and characters were more interesting, it could make up for a lot of that, but since they aren’t, it doesn’t.  It genuinely blows my mind how crappy this movie is in the visuals department, from a director who I know knows what they’re doing.

Next up, the worst role in this film, by far, is Lando.  This character was so insufferable to listen to.  I don’t hold this against Donald Glover.  NOBODY could make how awful this writing was work.  And to Glover’s credit, he did try.  But he is poorly written and I rolled my eyes a lot.  So is his SJW-bot.  SJW droid was the worst.  I do not genuinely understand why they did this with this character.  Of all the characters to have forced social justice bullshit, why the droid?  Part of me wonders if it’s a parody.  I expected Emilia Clark’s character to be all about that.  But no, it’s the droid.  I may have found the snarky droid in Rogue One to be fun, but this one is the worst.  Oh, and the forced pansexuality of Lando was just awful too.  It didn’t fit with the character given what we knew.  All of that Billy Dee Williams charm, gone.

Oh, and speaking of side-characters, I couldn’t have given less of a shit about anyone in this film if I tried.  The side-characters in Rogue One were kind of annoying, but at least they were memorable.  Here, they’re just dull as dirt.  No surprises.  No memorable traits, aside from who plays them.  I could do the Red Letter Media test on pretty much anyone in this movie and they would fail.  Not a single one of them stood out to me, so when we have them dying, I didn’t really care.  Who the fuck did?  Given the fact that this film has bombed at the box office, clearly not many.

All things considered, this isn’t a terrible movie.  It’s boring.  So insufferably boring.  I’ll admit that I was surprised that I didn’t hate the guy they got to play the titular character, but that’s it.  And the repore he built up with Chewie was genuinely enjoyable to watch.  That’s it.  The rest of it sucked.  I meant what I said about being done with Star Wars.  But since I was spending my friend’s money (the amount I spent on concessions at the theater was just spiteful.  I told him outright I was going to spend his money.  There was no lie.  He needed to be sobered up anyway, and movie popcorn is good for that.), I figured I should tell you all about it.  Haven’t been able to build up the urge to actually do the review until now.  I just didn’t know what to say.

Part of me thinks that Disney just bought this license to make quick cash of a couple billion dollars.  But they aren’t managing it well.  They are using this license to spread their faux-belief in SJW talking points, when anyone with a brain knows that Disney doesn’t ACTUALLY buy into this crap.  They don’t give two shits about feminism and equality.  They care about money, and right now the media is all about social justice and SJW feminism, so they pander to that.  But make no mistake, once the pendulum swings back the other way, they will be shitting on social justice with the rest of the industry.  That time is coming, by the way.  The public is getting tired of it, and SJW culture eats itself.  So the day is coming when all of this is done.

Meanwhile, all of the Star Wars films that could have been good idea, or stories set in that universe, are being ignored. All of this makes me think of the Star Wars game we never got – 1313.  Sigh.  If you wanna see this film, I guess you can, but I don’t get why you would.  That’s all I got.

Final Verdict
4 out of 10

Peace out,


SIONR: Incredibles 2 and the Death of Pixar

I’ve repeatedly said that Disney is pure evil and they destroy everything that I love.  They turned one of my favorite films into a fucking Kinect game.  That’s how bad they are.  They take good ideas or properties and turn them into shit.  Most recently with Star WarsThe Last Jedi was a dumpster fire, and if what I am hearing about the latest film in the franchise, it went through three directors, had multiple rewrites, and the guy who plays the titular character not only looks NOTHING like him (he’s a fucking pretty boy.  Nothing even remotely roguish at all), but can’t act his way out of a paper bag.  They had to hire an acting coach for him after shooting the bulk of his scenes.  So yeah, that will be a dumpster fire too.  I mean, they barely show this guy in the trailer for his own film.  If that isn’t a sign that this movie is dead on arrival, I don’t know what is.

Now we come to The Incredibles 2.  I really liked the first one.  It’s not my favorite Pixar film, but it’s up there.  A film about a family of superheroes, mixing some fantastic action, great scoring (the score for that film is phenomenal), and both superhero and human elements to make a great story.  It balanced out every character to give them an arc and show them grow.  It’s great stuff.  Then the trailer for the sequel dropped.

This film looks terrible.  So, we go from a story about a family of superheroes, to the mom being off doing stuff, while the dad is being a stay-at-home dad with superbaby.  Wow.  That’s so boring that writing it I felt myself lose energy.  Who thought this was a good idea?  I mean, all the creative potential that a sequel of this film could be.  Like, it’s been many years since the first one.  Why not age the characters up a little?  Have them dealing with the reemergence of superheroes in society and them being kind of swept up in things?  Or maybe have them still having to be in the shadows and yet still doing good, now accepting their desire to be heroes, yet still being trapped behind a screen of anonymity.  All the cool ideas are there, but what is the final product?  Stay at home dad and superbaby!  Oh boy!

It hurts me inside to think of how Pixar has died.  It really has.  While the death of 2D animation breaks my fucking heart (it is an art form that has died and will likely never come back in the way it once was with the old Disney magic), I did grow up with this company.  I remember seeing Toy Story and thinking it was crazy cool.  My favorite of their films, Ratatouille, is a charming story.  The Incredibles combines so many good elements.  This studio once was believed to be setting the new standard in kids movies story-telling.

Then Brave happened.  With that movie I felt something.  There was a shift in the films that they were putting out, and the content immediately starting getting progressively worse.  You’d have films that stand out in the crowd, but the bulk were either really mediocre or outright bad.  Plus, a lot of their staff was now under Disney directly making some of the biggest bargain-bin garbage ever put to film.  Films that were made only to help the influx of capital for the fiscal quarters they were made.

When I heard that they were doing a sequel to The Incredibles, my heart leapt.  Finally, a return to form!  Get some of the classy style that was modeled first in 2D drawings and then put to digital models.  Great voice acting, great score.  All the potential was there!  Then the trailer drops and I realize that I’m seeing yet-another bargain-bin movie that everyone will forget about just as fast as they did Monster’s University or Cars 2 (or the original Cars for that matter).  This kills me inside.

Disney is like the film version of EA.  They take IPs and studios with good ideas and then run them into the ground.  Does it not blow your mind the way it does mine that there are over twice as many mediocre/bad films in the Star Wars franchise as there are good ones?  Over six!  That’s insane!  Marvel has been kept from joining these ranks simply because Kevin Feige is at the helm.  Once he leaves, they’re next.  It took a man with vision and a passion for the source material to keep this genre from becoming bargain-bin shit too, and there are people who make the argument that the brand is getting old.  I think I have avoided this thought process simply because I only watch the films in there that I think look good. Pixar is gonna be their version of Visceral Games, one of these days.  It hurts me inside.

Until next time, a quote,

“Turians think they know a thing about a scorched-earth response.  Fuck ’em!” – Jack, Mass Effect 2

Peace out,