SIONR: Resident Evil Movies Getting a Six-Movie Reboot?! WHY?!

I don’t know how many of you know this, but the Resident Evil movies have sucked.  I can at least watch the first one because it has a couple genuinely scary moments, but the rest can’t even fall into the category of so bad they’re good.  They just suck.  They are cinematic abortions from first to last.  When I saw the preview for The Final Chapter, I was doing cartwheels because I finally thought that they were bringing an end to a series that NO ONE asked to go on this long.  No one.  People have been begging for this to end years ago.  Hell, the films aren’t even financially solvent, so why did this go on for so long?  Mysteries for the prophets.

But it seems that the films are already being planned for a six-film reboot.  Don’t believe me?  Check out this link and really soak in how stupid this is.  Naturally, it’s because of Germans that this abortion is being forced to keep going.  As they say, it’s brought in over $1.2 billion in profits.  For six films, with their level of production values, that actually seems pretty bad.  The article even says that the idea for six films is them milking it.  They want to suck this cash cow dry until there is absolutely nothing left.  I am in awe.

Can we please stop making video game movies?  I’m being serious.  These films suck.  Without a SINGLE exception, they all suck.  Everyone tried to defend the Warcraft film, but even then it was flimsy at best.  I can at least acknowledge that the original Silent Hill film was made by someone who at least loved the games and wanted to do right by them.  It still sucked, but there was at least a little heart.  More than most of this shit.  Video game films are becoming the bottom of the film barrel, and Hollywood is showing that they don’t care if film budgets are wasted making more of this garbage.  I honestly wish that Hollywood would realize that we need some originality in film.

Movies are getting so predictable.  I just got done watching Rogue One, and the whole time I’m like – something interesting is going to happen soon, right?  I liked Civil War, but that’s because it actually had heroes fighting each other.  That was unique.  But I am still tired of comic book movies.  Star War VII was a remake of the original with a check and even less fun.  None of the big movies even get my attention anymore.  And now they are releasing a new Pirate of the Caribbean film and I bet that film will die even more than the previous film did.  That franchise has been played out.  The only film I actually want to see coming out soon is Dunkirk, because it is being made by a direct who I know will make a film that isn’t just me watching a computer.

I know that there are people in Hollywood who have good ideas.  The problem is that studios are basically condemning them to never get anything made because all they care about is something easy to market.  Something that they can put out there and know there will be a return of investment.  It’s why we have Transformers VI, Star Wars: Independent Story Nobody Cared About, Cars 3, and other equally-uninteresting films that will still make a ton of money because the audience in this country is retarded.

And while we’re on the subject, can we PLEASE stop with these reboots?!  I am fucking sick of films that play on nostalgia as the only way to keep you in the seats.  All of these films just make me realize how much I loved the original.  That’s it.  I groan when I see a previews to another franchise or something that I loved being turned into a cash-grab.  Thankfully, these films are becoming less and less financially successful, which hopefully can give the six-figure salaries and two-digit IQs in Hollywood a clue that this crap is played out.

In the meantime, fuck this latest reboot.  I haven’t seen one of these films in years, and I am not going to now.  Who are the idiots who keep watching this shit?  I honestly want to know.

Until next time, a quote,

“Running out of ideas will put in you the dark until death.” – Cambodian Proverb

Peace out,


Top 10 Worst Video Game to Film Adaptations

I made a post not too long ago talking about why the movie that Sony recently announced based on the nigh-perfect game The Last of Us is going to suck (linked here), and it got me to thinking about something.  I genuinely believe that none of the great video games that I love could be made into good films.  Video games are a medium that, while it often aims for being cinematic, is so much more.  However, that doesn’t stop Hollywood from trying to make movies based on them.  And every single one of them, without a single exception, has sucked.  Badly.  They are pieces of shit.  And I have made a list of the worst offenders, as I see it.  If you have any more that didn’t make the list and you want to make sport of, please, let me know in the comments section.  That said, let’s get started.

Prince of Persia10. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
This game was a remake of a very old and very dated puzzle-platformer that had faded into obscurity but was brought back to life.  Arguably the best 3D puzzle-platformer ever made, it changed the face of games like it for all time.  It had a cool premise, cool characters and a very intense story that kept your attention.  This movie, on the other hand, was awful!  For one thing, TERRIBLE casting!  I mean, Jake Gyllenhaal as the Prince?  Seriously?!  Not only does he REALLY not look the part, but he lacked any of the wit and charm that the Prince had in the game.  Add to that a very boring, by-the-numbers action-adventure film, without a single puzzle or cool set-piece moment that showed off the Dagger of Time’s power, and this movie was an uninspired and unengaging bore that was clearly made to try and capitalize on what Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer Studios didn’t realize was a tattered popularity of the franchise.  Thankfully, it didn’t work and the film was a flop at the box office.  Though, ironically, it was the highest-grossing video game film made.  The fact that it was still a failure says something about how hated these kinds of movies are.  And dammit, why is Ben Kingsley in this movie?!

Mortal Kombat9. Mortal Kombat
Where do I get started?  The original Mortal Kombat games (which this film was based on) didn’t have the greatest controls or the neatest characters.  All things considered, they were a pretty average fighter, save for one saving grace – blood and guts.  The Mortal Kombat games were made so that friends could kick the shit out of each other and tear their enemy to pieces.  They were the fighting game of choice among my friends.  This movie, on the other hand, was a PG-13 martial arts film.  It had NONE of the blood and guts of the source material.  The special effects are just shy of gag-inducing.  The “acting” is so bad that it can be funny from time to time.  The sequel is even worse, with fights that are just shy of backyard wrestling.  If these movies had at least had some blood and guts, that would be something of a redemption.  But nope, they are just plain bad.

Hitman8. Hitman
The Hitman games were brutally-hard and unforgiving, focusing on stealth to the extreme.  You played as Agent 47, a master assassin who specializes in killing his foes quickly and efficiently, without being noticed.  Being noticed was often hazardous to your health.  The Agent 47 in the film, on the other hand, is nothing more than a skinny Rambo who goes out of his way to make a big production out of all his kills.  The action scenes are dull and the plot is beyond cliche.  It’s another one of those stories about the cold, unfeeling killer and the woman who gets him to come out of his shell.  This plot has been done to DEATH, sometimes very well and sometimes far worse than this.  Much like Prince of Persia, it is a film that takes no risks and is rather lifeless for it.  And, like Prince of Persia, it failed at the box office.

Doom7. Doom
Doom is an awesome game!  It’s low on plot and high on action.  The plot is that you are a badass Marine who is stationed on Mars.  A portal to Hell opens, demons burst forth, kill everyone but you and you decide to kill them back.  Simple, clean and awesome, with some cool weapons and some pretty imaginative foes.  Especially when you get to Hell.  This movie, on the other hand, does what the film adaptation of The Golden Compass did and eschews the religious aspect and removes the portal to Hell.  In the film, they decide to make some science mumbo-jumbo about a 26th chromosome and how it can either turn people into superheroes or monsters.  The action is boring, the enemy designs are lifeless, the characters are cliche.  The scene where they have a first-person perspective is hilariously awful.  Not to mention, and this may just be the biggest flaw – they have The Rock as the final boss of the film!  Of all the cool demon designs that they could have worked with, they have the fucking Rock as their final enemy?  That’s so dumb!  Oh, and to top it all off, terrible cinematography.  For real, the entire movie is show in a kind of blue filter and WAY too close.  It was like they didn’t want the audience to actually see what was going on.  After all, that would force us to endure some enjoyment.  Wouldn’t want that, would we?

Wing Commander6. Wing Commander
Oh do I hate this movie.  I fucking hate everything to do with this movie.  The Wing Commander series was made during a time when a lot of games were using live-action to integrate into their games.  With VERY few exceptions, this was a disaster.  Wing Commander was one of those exceptions.  With the talents of Malcolm McDowell, the guy who played Biff in Back to the Future and Mark fucking Hamill!  These games were back in the days where fighter simulators used a joystick.  The universe was fun and interesting, with neat enemies and a well-written cast that you came to care about.  This movie, on the other hand, stars Freddie Prince Jr. and Matthew Lillard!  Ugh!  Now, I think it’s worth pointing out that Freddie Prince Jr. found quite a place as the voice of James Vega in Mass Effect 3.  But that was with writing and an ADR director who cared.  That was NOT seen in this movie.  The special effects are beyond dated.  The characters are all boring throw-away cliches, with Matthew Lillard spouting some TERRIBLE lines and doing nothing but making an ass of himself.  The battle segments were a joke and the enemy effects were so bad that it was embarrassing.  I cannot tell you how much I hate this movie.  I feel the anger bubbling up inside as I’m sitting here talking about it.  Fuck this movie!

Street Fighter5. Street Fighter
What, were, they, thinking?!  This is a film that is astoundingly bad.  Part of me feels bad that the only good thing about this movie was the portrayal of M. Bison by the late Raul Julia.  He tried to make this work, bless his deceased heart.  Alas, didn’t.  While the game and the anime adaptations focused heavily on Ryu, this movie decided to make Guile the protagonist.  Xenophobia, anyone?  Every single character in this movie got fucked over from their cool source material.  Super Street Fighter II is arguably the greatest fighting game ever made.  This franchise has a lot of cool characters, each with a unique back-story and portrayal.  This movie is REALLY xenophobic, kind of racist and has fuck-all to do with its source material.  I just don’t get how the people who made it honestly believed that they were going to get a positive return on their investment.  Not to mention, the icing on the fucking cake – it has Jean-Claude Van Damme as the protagonist.  And I might have been willing to forgive all of this if the final product was at least a little entertaining.  But it’s not.  It’s painful the entire way through.  Some people have said that this movie is so bad it’s good, but they are wrong!  This movie is one of the worst I have ever seen.  Period!  Ugh…

Resident Evil4. Resident Evil (franchise)
I am hoping beyond hope that they are done making these movies.  While the franchise that this franchise is based on has had its own failings in the last few years, these movies are among the worst cash-grabs that have ever been made.  With the first film, it wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be.  It wasn’t a great movie, or even a very good one, but it was pretty decent.  A lot of that came from the levels of cool that Michelle Rodriguez’s character brought to the screen.  But after this movie came shitty-sequel after shitty-sequel, each one worse than the last.  For real, these movies have been getting so terrible that it is almost funny.  Oh, wait, it’s not!  These movies suck!  Not only do they have jack-diddle to do with the games, but they are often plot-less and don’t seem to care about the stories they are telling.  Not to mention that not one of them has any kind of survival-horror feel the the older games and Resident Evil 4 had.  There is no tension or suspense.  Just action, more action and eventually zombies who can run and stuff.  Oh, and as an insult to the cool factor that Michelle Rodriguez brought, they brought her back in the latest film and totally fucker her character over.  I hate these movies.

Super Mario Bros.3. Super Mario Bros.
I literally don’t get what Hollywood asshole with a 6-figure salary and a 2-digit IQ thought that this movie would work.  Not only does it butt-rape the source material, but it doesn’t even seem to acknowledge that the source material existed.  I mean, the world of Mario is a happy place filled with little mushroom people, turtle shells, egg-throwing dinosaurs, magic stars and bright colors.  There is a tropical island that has cool locations to hang out in and you can even see other galaxies that are pretty cool!  Not one thing about the world of that game shouted a 1984 rip-off to you, did it?  Well, that’s what the movie thought it meant.  It decided to make the film a weird and totally pointless and eerily dark film starring Bob Hoskins as Mario.  I like Bob Hoskins, but when you see the charming and fun expression that Mario has, does that nasty-looking douche come to mind?  For real, Bob, I like ya, but you are a nasty-looking guy.  Just putting that out there.  This movie shits on one of the most beloved characters of all time, which is probably the biggest sin a movie can do.

Silent Hill Revelation 3D2. Silent Hill: Revelation 3D
Now, I’m going to start my discussion about this movie by saying that I actually don’t hate the original film.  The man who directed that movie was actually a fan of the games.  Well, the good ones, anyway (the first three and a half).  The use of lighting and set designs was actually pretty damn good.  Not to mention, the nigh-flawless use of the trademark music of the games that the fans (like me) fell in love with.  The creature designs were also pretty neat.  Pyramid Head was just as intimidating as I always imagined in the movie as I imagined him to be in the game.  The film lacked the symbolism and depth that the games had, but it was still a hell of a lot better than I expected.  Revelation 3D (I fucking hate when they put 3D in a title.  It’s a cheap gimmick!), on the other hand, was a cash-grab.  Pure and simple.  Not to mention, a lot like Super Mario Bros., it also shits on a beloved game.  Heather Mason is one of my favorite female protagonists.  She’s a kid, but in no way a doormat.  She is dealing with a lot of shit and doesn’t back down.  She faces her darkness in a pretty profound way, with a scene that actually is a very grimacing metaphor for her killing a fetus when the reborn god of the cult of Silent Hill is growing inside of her and she has to get rid of it.  This movie, however, turns her into a cowardly damsel who has a bad habit of being saved a lot.  There is an underdeveloped romance and a lot of REALLY bad 3D effects.  Nothing about this movie works.  Nothing.  What’s worse – it insults one of my favorite characters.  This movie was made to make money.  Thankfully, the return was nowhere near what they hoped.

And the worst video game adaptation to film is…

Bloodrayne1. Every single Uwe Boll film ever made!
Oh, I cannot tell you my hatred for this German dick-mule.  Uwe Boll is called the new Ed Wood, and I genuinely don’t buy that.  I am certain that this guy knows that he is making crap.  I know this because he exploits German tax loopholes when he makes movies so that, even when the film fails, he makes money.  Boll adapts good video games into shit movies, and the Internet’s hatred of him is well-known.  The thing I hate him most for is his adaptation of Bloodrayne.  A film that also stars Ben Kingsley (for real, what the fuck?!  I remember this guy being in Gandhi.  Was he just typecast after that, like Malcolm McDowell?) and shits on what could have been a trippy film with a badass redhead kicking some vampire ass with some sick fight choreography and gratuitous gore.  Boll doesn’t even try and make good movies.  There is something to be said for making a bad movie, but having actually tried to make it good.  The Transformers films are pieces of shit, but they are actually trying to be entertaining.  It’s just that Michael Bay is a racist and sexist dick who can only make movies about blowing shit up (if only he’d abandon plot.  That would make those movies better).  Boll, on the other hand, doesn’t give two shits if his movies are good or not, so when he adapts a video game I like to film like that, it just pisses me off more.  Fuck this man!  Fuck him up hard!

Until next time, a quote,

“I wish I could have played it!” -Ellie
“I never was a big fan of these things.”  -Joel, The Last of Us

Peace out,


Top 10 Video Game Fallen Angels

It is an overused saying, but – the bigger they are, the harder they fall.  And none have fallen quite so far as these franchises.  These franchises used to be the ones who broke rules, set trends, and who all the game developers wanted to mimic.  Some franchises have narrowly avoided this list, like Tomb Raider, with the upcoming and very well-anticipated reboot, along with Devil May Cry, which was on its way to this location because the developer of the game clearly lost their vision.  But the games on this list fell so far, so fast, and it truly is a pity, because they could have had a very bright future, if only in the hands of more ambitious developers.  This list is paying homage to the franchises many of us grew up with, and ended up being hurt by, or just completely forgot.

Banjo Kazooie10. Banjo Kazooie
This was a franchise that didn’t even get a chance to truly grow its own identity before it fell apart.  Anybody who grew up with the N64 knows about this game.  Banjo Kazooie was a Very peculiar puzzle platformer, and it was loads of fun.  With strange characters, strange locales that you couldn’t help but want to explore, and a very odd story, its biggest hook was how strange it was, and it was a good gimmick to have.  Then it’s only game in the HD era came along – Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts.  And this game was awful!  The new look, the new direction that robbed this franchise of so much of what made it unique.  Now, a lot of these kinds of games suffered in the HD generation.  It’s like developers thought that they had to make every game a wondrous visual marvel.  Unfortunately, they never learned that that isn’t the case, and this franchise died before it even had a chance to spread its wings.  The absurd does have a place in the HD generation, and it kills me that so many franchises never realized that.

Star Fox9. Star Fox
I know that I’m going to catch some heat for this, but let’s all be honest – this franchise has gotten more than a little stale.  Star Fox 64 was one of the best flight combat simulator games there is.  It had a lot of different and interesting places, different kinds of vehicle combat, cool missions and a unique system that allowed players to find alternate paths through the game, including one with a true ending.  It was a great game, that gave so many gamers hours of enjoyment going through each path, and finding the clever ways to other paths.  You also got to replay to better your kill count and score.  This game was so much fun.  Then, Star Fox Adventures came out of the Gamecube, and this was an uninteresting and uninspired bore.  They tried to go back to formula with Star Fox Assault, and while it wasn’t as much of a waste as its predecessor, it was far too short, and there were no branching paths or neat discoveries to make.  The franchise saw nothing in the Wii, and hopefully it can bounce back with the Wii U.  If not, this could be the end of Fox’s time in the limelight.

Resident Evil8. Resident Evil
I don’t think that any franchise has fallen as hard or as fast as Resident Evil.  The only reason it isn’t higher on this list is because I don’t hate 5 and 6 as much as some people do.  But I do recognize how it is failing.  Resident Evil 4 brought it back from the brink of being on this list a lot sooner.  That game showed that Resident Evil could hold its ground in the new age, and very well too.  It spawned the over-the-shoulder view system.  This was a trend-setter game for tons of games that would follow.  But then Resident Evil 5 came along, and it threw a wrench in the gears of all the potential the series had been given back.  With almost no horror elements, this was most certainly an action game.  And while it was a stylish action game, it wasn’t Resident Evil, and the fans knew it.  Divisions grew among the fans, and things were looking to get ugly.  Resident Evil 6 has continued the division of the fans.  Now, it should be noted that this is not a bad game.  Neither was 5.  But they are not survival horror games.  They are action games.  Ironically, the closest that 6 came to feeling like a survival horror game was with the Ada Wong story.  This franchise needs help, and unfortunately, doesn’t look to be getting any.  Which is a real shame.

Earthworm Jim7. Earthworm Jim
Anybody who remembers the Sega Genesis knows this franchise.  The stylish design and the odd weapons, bosses, controls and worlds just made this franchise what it was.  It was another of the absurd platformers, and it took advantage of every minute of it.  The backgrounds were hand-drawn, and they looked amazing.  Sadly, this franchise died a VERY quick death in the growth of 3D games, much like the franchise at the top of this list.  The biggest tragedy of all is that Earthworm Jim should be surviving, and very well, too.  In the HD generation, what they could do with the environments and platforming is just awesome, and it kills me that they haven’t brought this franchise back from the grave.  Rayman was able to get an awesome new game that brought its franchise back from the grave, and so should this one.  Hopefully, we see more of this worm and his power suit again.

Splinter Cell6. Splinter Cell
Now, I don’t know how many of you know this, but I LOVE me some stealth games.  For real, the stealth genre is another one that hasn’t gotten its fair share of love in a very long time.  Granted, there are games that excel at it, like Batman: Arkham City or Mark of the Ninja, but this franchise used to mark the high point in stealth gaming.  You had to use the main character’s acrobatic skill to stick to the shadows, stalk patrols and get in close for the kill.  It was loads of fun, and then the most recent sequel has come out.  Conviction was an action game.  And the game that is coming up next is even moreso.  Not to mention that the main character isn’t played by Michael Ironside, which was one of the reasons that we thought that Fischer was so cool.  This is another franchise that has gone the route of Resident Evil and become an action series, which is a real shame, because the stealth aspects in previous games were among the best that have ever been.  Sadly, it is looking more and more like this franchise won’t go back to its very clever roots.

Prince of Persia5. Prince of Persia
This is a franchise that I think lost its way.  Part of that is due to how popular it became.  Sands of Time is one of the best puzzle games that has ever been made.  Warrior Within was a bit of a stumble, but not much.  The Two Thrones was also a bit of a stumble, but still very fun.  However, the reimagined game Prince of Persia, and the god-awful film made from the original game totally botched the image of what this game stood for – deep combat, clever puzzles, and using powers to your advantage.  The worst offense was in the reboot, where it was almost impossible to die.  There was no incentive to think strategically about your actions, because you were pretty sure that you were going to come back.  Not to mention the REALLY bad sequel-bait ending that this game had.  But this franchise has stared down this abyss before, and come out swinging, so who knows what the future has in store for the Prince.

Fable4. Fable
This series, to me, is a lot like M. Night Shyamalan’s career.  It was built up so far, so fast, that people didn’t stop to think about if the praise we were giving it was earned or not.  Fable was an awesome game.  The idea of morality in a game was new, fun, and it made trying new things and replays so much more interesting.  That’s not to say that this game didn’t have its problems.  The final boss battle was kind of sad.  But, aside from that, it was a very solid game, with a unique style and finesse.  Fable II definitely was a step backwards.  The magic was over-powered.  The navigation system was kind of annoying.  The final boss battle was non-existent, and totally anti-climactic.  But, all that aside, it was also a solid game.  We were underwhelmed, but we still did like the final product.  Then came Fable III.  This game was a disaster.  It was an uncooked dough that had the potential to be something amazing.  So many players were sold on the idea of fighting against a corrupt king, taking over his nation, and leading it.  That does have a lot of potential.  And the game looks amazing.  But that’s where the good things end.  The rest of this game was such a complete mess that it has driven more than one nail into this series’s coffin.  Fable is dying, fast.  Just like Shyamalan’s career.

Silent Hill3. Silent Hill
Much like Resident Evil, this is a franchise that fell very hard, very fast.  The original 3 Silent Hill games were all survival horror masterpieces with a dark and foreboding world, stories that were thematically and narratively dense and characters who were being tortured by their own subconscious’s.  Then the series hit a hiccup with Silent Hill 4, which stressed really awkward combat along with painstakingly brutal inventory management.  There were a string of lackluster spinoff games, and then came Silent Hill 5.  The boring plot, unimaginative environments and awful controls doomed this game.  Downpour was hoping to bring it back, but it only made the problems worse.  This franchise used to be the metric that other survival horror games stood up to.  Now, it’s a sad reminder of the fact that the survival horror genre is on life support.  The only thing that players fear about the next games is that they are going to be worse than the last.

Final Fantasy2. Final Fantasy
Square Enix really needs to get their shit together with this franchise, or it will soon be dead.  Once the undisputed King of RPG games, Final Fantasy was the chief contender all the way up to XII.  Some argue that XII was the first step in the wrong direction, and there is an argument to be made, but that game still had its moments, and it wasn’t nearly the catastrophe that XIII was.  XIII burned fans with completely linear gameplay, a story that never seemed to be going anywhere, and having these incredibly beautiful environments that we couldn’t explore.  After that, there was XIV, which was a massive commercial failure.  XIII-2 was a complete dud, and it has come to light that ANOTHER sequel to XIII is being made, which is so obviously a cash-in.  Meanwhile, the game that all the franchise lovers are waiting for, Versus XIII, has heard hardly anything about it, with Square swearing up and down that it isn’t vaporware or cancelled.  This franchise needs help, and it is going to fall apart if, as I said above, Square Enix doesn’t get their shit together.

But of all the franchises on this list, none has fallen farther or faster than this one –

Sonic the Hedgehog1. Sonic the Hedgehog
I grew up with this character.  I loved these games.  Sonic 3 and Sonic and Knuckles were among my favorite games growing up.  For so long, Sonic lead the charge against the Nintendo powerhouse.  Sonic games were almost as popular as Mario games.  But, like Earthworm Jim, he did NOT transition well into 3D.  Some of the games in this lineup have been so bad that they are amazing.  Sonic the Hedgehog of 2006 takes the cake, with the main character falling in love with a human, and spending a large portion of the game talking to people.  It was not only boring, it was hilariously bad, with a story that was so forced and contrived that it made the rest of us cringe.  That’s not to say that all Sonic games in 3D have been bad.  Sonic Generations was a step in the right direction, combining the best of both worlds (2D and 3D).  But some of the games associated with this character are beyond jokes.  From all the pointless racing games, the Sonic vs. Mario games, and by far the absolute worst – Sonic Free Riders.  This is a character who has fallen so hard from grace, and it amazes me how loyal his fans can still be.  We were all swindled, guys.  Let’s accept it.

Until next time, a quote,

“The higher a video game franchise climbs, the farther it has to fall.”  -GT Countdown

Peace out,


Lucien’s Review: Resident Evil 6

Gametrailers got it right when they said that Resident Evil 5 was one of the most polarizing games ever made.  There were huge online wars over if people like that game, or hated that game.  For my own take, I didn’t have that much of a problem with it…as an action game.  As a Resident Evil title, I was more than a little underwhelmed.  The horror aspect was virtually non-existent.  But the action set-pieces were a lot of fun, and so was the action itself.  Minus the fact that you still couldn’t move and shoot.  It didn’t take what Resident Evil 4 had made and run with so well – combining action with horror and creating a profoundly disturbing experience.  In other words, it was an action-only game.

Resident Evil 6, on the other hand, gets back at it.  Now, I feel I should clarify that some sections do it better than others.  The Leon and Ada campaigns in-particular are very well-done, and show off just how much the makers of this game knew their source material, and how much dedication went into it.  There are legitimate scares in this game that was sorely needed with the previous installment.

So, the premise of this game is that it is a who-dun-it story, told over four campaigns.  It isn’t exactly a big mystery what the actual villain is, much like you were quickly able to figure out the twist to Batman: Arkham City.  But it is in getting there at this game shines.  Another theme at play here is hopelessness.  A new virus is unleashed, and it is spreading all over the place, rapidly.  People are giving up hope that things can be resolved, and order is falling apart.  That’s a great theme to work with!  The edges of this story are finely polished, and the game is better for it.

Speaking over, the voice-work is top-notch.  Granted, they don’t always have the greatest material to work with, but they put their all into the performances, and there are a lot of genuinely touching moments that will get you to feel for these characters and the struggles they are facing.

Now, the visuals aren’t the best, and that’s because the developers of this game used the same engine that RE5 used.  It’s a bit of a mixed blessing, but when they want the visuals to pop, they pop.  They rely more on mood for the tone of this game, and bless them for it.  The music, lighting, and creature effects make this game’s atmosphere, and it is genuinely tense.

To compare the kind of style that I view this game as, I would like to talk to you about a little game called Dead Space.  That kind of horror is exactly what this game makes me think of.  Specifically the Leon campaign.  That is what I wanted from this game.  A lot of people said that they were disappointed by that game, and I think that that is because they were hoping for it to be what the original titles were.  For the moment, the survival horror genre is dead.  That’s a fact.  It was on life-support, now I think it is safe to say that it is dead.  And perhaps it will be back someday.  I hope so.  I still love Silent Hill 2 as one of my favorite games.  But action-horror games can still be epic and terrifying.  Dead Space and Dead Space 2 are testaments to that.  It just has to be done right, and this game does it very well.  Is it the original Resident Evil games, no.  Is it loads of fun?  Absolutely!

This is a game that gives you plenty of bang for your buck, and I highly recommend you play it if you are a fan of Dead Space or Resident Evil 4.  This game takes the mechanics that made those games great, and runs with them.  It is a load of fun, and I look forward to completing all of the campaigns.

Final Verdict:
8 out of 10

Peace out,


Top 10 Video Game Monsters

So, I thought I would have a few more of these Top 10 posts before February closes out.  Though I will probably keep doing them beyond this month, because they are pretty popular and get a lot of views.  But I won’t have so many in one month.  That said, here is my list of the top 10 monsters in video games that really got to me.  There won’t be any humans on here, just monsters.  Well, there will be some that are made from humans, but they were made to be monsters.  You’ll see when we get there.  Enjoy!

10. Zombies
Tons of games
Are you really surprised?  I mean, these things are kind of the mainstay of the horror genre.  They are creatures that will forever lust for your flesh.  They have no evil, no ill-intent.  They just want to find you, and eat you.  And you can’t just kill them, either.  You can shoot a limb, blast them in half, but they will keep coming.  Well, in a game that didn’t want to make things easier, they would.  But yeah, they are kind of the baseline for all successful horror games.  They made a genre, and have remade it too.  It’s pretty cool.  These are the things that you think about, in your dreams.  If you’re me, that is, and you dream about smashing their skulls in.  And you hope that the people you hate are zombies, so you can get a really ugly weapon and get really fucked-up on them.

9. Splicers
Bioshock and Bioshock 2
These enemies were pretty unique, and a very fun take.  Bioshock was a game that did was almost no other games before it have done – make a video game that can very easily be compared with good filmmaking.  Not great, but good.  Something like a Chris Nolan film, in some respect.  And these creatures were the perfect addition to this world.  Regular people, until they juiced up with ADAM.  This substance gave them incredible power, but came at a price.  It was addictive beyond all reason.  And it had some unintended side-effects.  Such as mutating them physically, and mentally destroying them.  These people were just another part of the absolutely depressing reality that had become the city of Rapture.

8. Novistador
Resident Evil 4
These creatures were ANNOYING!  They would come at you out of nowhere, but they could be invisible.  And even if you tagged them, if you had to reload your weapon, they would disappear again.  I hated these things.  But as hated as these little bastards were, they were quite the monster.  If one is looking to kill people, say in a jungle or something, these creatures would have made quite a useful weapon.  As far as BOW’s go, these ones are pretty good.  They added just the right amount of creep to a game that brought a series back from video game purgatory.

7. Lickers
Resident Evil 5
These guys are probably one of the creepiest monsters ever made.  I mean, have you looked at these things?  They have a brain sticking out of their heads.  They have a giant tongue that can attack you from anywhere, along with wrap around you, or rip right through you.  These things are a major pain in the ass!  Oh yeah, and they also have really sharp claws, along with really sharp teeth.  There isn’t a single thing about them that isn’t creepy.  But it’s cool that they were brought back in Resident Evil 5.  It gave them the good-graphics look that we had been waiting for.  The scenes with them in it were some of the few legitimately creepy moments in that game.  Definitely a monster that you don’t want to come across in a darkened ally.

6. Majini
Resident Evil 5
These things were actually a pretty creepy monster.  Like the Ganados from Resident Evil 4, they could think creatively, sneak up on you, run, and even use weapons.  The difference between the Majini and them is that these guys were given guns.  That makes them a whole step up on the “oh shit” scale.  Plus, with these creatures, you could tell that something really screwed-up was going on inside of their heads.  You could tell that with the Ganados, but when you see the intro to this game, you see how much worse it is.  These guys have creepy tendrils crawling around inside of them.  They are turning into monsters much faster than the Ganados.  The creepy part about what afflicts them is that it slowly takes over your mind, turning you into a slave to the heads of the organism.  That is, unless you have a very strong mind.  The Plagas is only as strong as the person who wields it.  So really, this was for the Majini and the Ganado, and the real creepy moster – Las Plagas

5. Necromorphs
Dead Space and Dead Space 2
Here is something the frightens me, because honestly, when I think about the real horrors of deep space travel, this is what I think about.  We don’t know what’s out there.  It could very well be something like this.  The Necromorphs are an alien life form.  It is a microscopic organism.  It mutates the corpses of the dead, and brings them back to life.  After that, they hunt down and kill more people, to add to their numbers.  Each person that is killed has the potential to become a new necromorph.  It’s the perfect machine, and terrifying to think about.  It was implied in the first game that they had a higher order, that a greater mind controlled them.  You never knew what happened with that, but it is still so freakin’ cool.

4. Big Daddy
Bioshock and Bioshock 2
These things are the definitions of badasses.  They wander around, following the Little Sisters.  Or if they aren’t with the Little Sister, they are just wanderin around.  These things don’t attack you until you attrack them, but yeah, they are the definition of badass.  One arm has either a drill or a rivet gun, the other arm has a fist that can pummel the shit out of you.  They are awesome.  Again, it is just another testament to the awesomeness of this game.  Nobody expected this, and when it came out, nobody really knew what to think about it.  This was a game that took chances.  It was risky, and by doing so, awesome.  This character was just the right amount of spice for a totally badass creation.

3. Jester
Devil May Cry 3
God this thing was annoying!  I was with Dante.  Every time he got out his guns, I thought to myself – blow his head off!  Blow his head off!  Blow his FUCKING head off!  Not only was this dude creepy, but he was also quite the monster.  He could literally dance around bullets (not well, mind you), and when he finally shows his true form, he is really something of a badass monster.  But the annoyance level is what put him so high on this list.  When you finally killed this son of a bitch, you felt good about it.  REALLY good.  It was a catharsis for the freak inside of all of us.  I know, I’m weird like that.  But this was a rather underrated game, and this character was one of many who made it a lot of fun.  Really, all of the bosses from this game on here, but this is the face I put on it.

2. Darklings
The Darkness
These things weren’t villains in this game.  In fact, they were incredibly useful allies.  You could summon only one at a time, but you could summon them for as long as you want, and as many variations as you had.  Another cool part about them is that with different outfits, some got different abilities.  They also got lots of funny lines with their outfits.  These things not only followed you around and made carnage, but they also carried on conversations with one-another, and were able to joke with you.  It was so creepy, but so cool at the same time.  Hence why they are so high on this list.  Fun monsters who can make blood flow is much better than purely evil ones.

But my top post may confused some of you.

1. Big Sister
Bioshock 2
I love these things.  I wish they had stuck to the original idea of Bioshock 2, which was that there would be only one, and that she would be the ultimate enemy.  This would be better, because these things are so cool.  Not only can they use Plasmids, but they will also disrupt their own battles, right in the middle, if a Splicer comes along.  They will kill the Splicer, suck the life out of it, and keep fighting you.  That is, awesome!  These things are the Little Sisters from the first game, all grown up.  They have all the badass strengh of the Big Daddy, but all the agility of a Spider Splicer.  They are like all the good things about all enemies rolled into one.  And it is, awesome.  I wish I had a few of these things around the house.  Would make for good entertainment.  But yeah, these things were badass, tough, and cool to look at.  Good times.

Until next time, a quote,

“We put our eldest Sister through a new regimen of physical and mental conditioning, and suited her up with modified Protector equipment of my design. The younger ones have dubbed her a “Big Sister.”Gilbert Alexander, Bioshock 2

Peace out,


10 Worst Adaptation Movies Of All Time

Okay, so, we all have those great things that we love so much.  Those books, and video games that have just stuck with us throughout the tribulations of our lives.  They are the comfort stories.  The stories that you remind yourself of when you are feeling down, and hoping that your life gets better.  I remember when I was kid, curling up and thinking about the initial love-scene in The Amber Spyglass, when Will and Lyra finally realize how much they care for each other.  I also think of the powerful scene in Keeping You a Secret when Cece tells Holland the tragic truth about her history, and why she was so desperate to keep Holland and their love a secret from her friends.  These stories stick with you.  But, there are some of these stories that have been turned into some of the biggest pieces of shit movies that have EVER, mother-fucking EVER, been made.  Let’s get started.

10. Silent Hill
The Silent Hill series, is AMAZING!  The original game was mostly based off of Jacob’s Ladder, a film which is so genuinely terrifying that you actually feel yourself want to stop breathing.  The games are a surreal mind-fuck which keeps you on the edge of your seat, guessing to the end what could possibly happen, and with a plethora of endings, you don’t know is going to be the inevitable outcome of the character.  Silent Hill 2 is among my favorite games of all time.  It was an amazing story about a man who lost his wife, and is being tortured by demons, summoned from the evil force of the town and his own subconscious.  It is brilliant storytelling.
The Silent Hill movie, on the other hand, is a complete piece of shit.  From the very beginning, the movie loses sight of what is so important about the games- the mystery of the town and the malevolent forces inside of it, the characters who are not only being tortured by the monsters in the town, but by their own hearts, and what deeds they have done that has led them to this hellhole.  It was a nullodramatic, overly-CG piece of garbage that belongs in the trash.

9. Transformers
When I was kid, my favorite show was Beast Wars.  It was a sequel to the original series, and it was well-done.  Sure, the plot was a little cliche at point, but it was pretty impressive, for what it was.  The robots in disguise concept was actually pretty cool, and the characters were fun.  Dinobot’s sense of honor was actually pretty educated, given how it was a kid’s show.
These movies, on the other hand, were terrible.  Shia Labeouf’s inability to act not withstanding, the action is what killed this movie.  Both of them.  The complete lack of any coherant story did enough damage, but when you throw in the endlessly cutting action sequences, which took away from the fights because you couldn’t keep a focus on one thing for more than two seconds, you were just left not caring at all.  These films had a lot of potential.  Personally, I really could watch a movie which is only about robots blasting and beating the shit out of each other.  For real, if they just showed that, to hell with all of us, I would have been very happy, because the transformers did look cool!  Epic…fail!

8. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
The Final Fantasy series has become one of the most acclaimed video game series in history!  Final Fantasy VII is arguably the game which made the Playstation’s reputation.  It has been one of the highest selling games of all time! Fantasy X was viewed as having one of the most incredible stories ever.  All of them have complext stories, complex characters, and complex plots, and deep worlds that are beyond imagination.
This movie, however, was nothing short of boring, pointless, and a shame on the Final Fantasy name.  It was dry, boring, and a complete waste of intellectual space.  There was no magic, no mystery, no wonder, it was basically a post-apocalypse movie with great CG effects.  Other than that, there was nothing to like about it.

7. Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Now, what killed this movie was the absolute lack in a coherant story.  For real, it was a piece of commercial garbage that had some amazing effects, and some really cool fight scenes, but the complex characters and plot which the game was famous for was completely taken away.  It was basically a jumble of pretty lights and nice sounds, and that was it!  It was a shame on it’s predecessor, which was an incredibly deep and tragic story.

6. Galerians: Rion
Not many people know about the game series, Galerians.  It was a game for the Playstation, the original system, and it is very old-school.  The mechanics of it are clumsy, the gameplay was difficult, but it was a very well-told story.  It was the story which actually was the best feature.  It told the tale of a young man who is in a world that is coming apart, and he doesn’t know what to think of it all.  He is just trying to survive, but is driven by a bond with somebody that he doesn’t even know.
The movie, on the other hand, is just poor effects which kill it.  The powerful characters are played down due to time constraints.  Rion’s relationship with Rita is thrown away.  The malevolence of the character Dorothy is completely unexplained.  It is just a poor amalgamation of bad animation.  That is really the only problem with it, but it does deserve to be on this list.

5. Super Mario Bros.
Oh…good…god!  What happened here is that those who created this movie, this terrible, foul, venerial disease of a film, just didn’t realize that their source material for this movie wasn’t nearly as dark as the movie itself.  The Mushroom Kingdom is a magical place, filled with happy and bizarre creatures, and a giant tortoise that basically wants to kick Mario’s ass and steal Princess Peach for reasons that are better left undiscussed.  This whole film was basically a kick in the face to those who actually liked the original subject matter.

4. Eragon
I LOVED this book.  I truly did.  That book was so incredible.  It couldn’t have been more interesting if it tried.  It was a tale that isn’t exactly new, but the writer of the book, Christopher Paolini, did a remarkable job shining it up and making it an incredible story.  It tells the tale of a young man, who is just a nobody in a world that doesn’t care, given an enormous responsibility that he isn’t ready for, and doesn’t truly want.  His journey to accept his destiny and overcome his fear is a wonderfully told narrative.
The movie that was made from that book, however, spit in the face of EVERYTHING that it represents.  It was too incredibly short, Eragon’s cousin died, which means that there is no way that the plot of the second book can possibly happen in the movies.  It doesn’t keep to the plot of the original story at all.  Even the acting is terrible, and I happen to really like Jeremy Irons.  He has a bad habit of being in some really great movies, like The Lion King, and also being in complete pieces of shit, like Dungeons and Dragons.  It was just a lackluster performance, from start to finish.

3. All of the Resident Evil movies
The plot of the Resident Evil series is intricate, complicated, and dark.  The characters are interesting, hopelessly out of their depth, in situations that are completely out of control.  They stories are interesting, and keep you guessing.  You like the protagonists, and you often like the antagonists.  Albert Wesker, the villain/anti-hero (sometimes) of several in the series is incredible!  His death in the fifth game pissed me the fuck off!
But then we have these pieces of crap movies.  I could show you trailers of them all, but that would be a waste of your time.  We have Milla Jovovich, who I don’t think is a very good actress, playing the only protagonist.  You don’t bond with her because she has the emotional depth of a toadstool.  You have what could have been a good story just turn into a post-apocalpyse bore that we have all seen a million times before.  They are all just crap, and spit on the reputation of the source material.

2. The Last Airbender
I have no shame in admitting that I LOVE the series Avatar: The Last Airbender.  It tells the story of a young man who is in love with life, on a journey to stop an evil dictator and save the world.  He is the last of his people, after they were all brutally slaughtered 100 years earlier.  His loneliness as a character is often very apparent.  He is traveling with a number of very powerful compatriots, who are his best friends.  It is a very smart show, for its target audience.
The film adaptation, on the other hand, completely fails on every…single…level.  It is too short, for one thing.  It doesn’t flush out a single character.  The names are deliberately mispronounced.  The world is small, boring, and uninteresting.  The Bending takes forever, and with very lackluster results.  It basically misses the point.  It even makes the main character a very serious guy, which I would like, if he were a tad bit more interesting.  I loved the show.  The movie, made me depressed.

1. The Golden Compass
The His Dark Materials series, by Phillip Pullman, is my favorite book series of all time.  The third book in the series, The Amber Spyglass, is my favorite book of all time.  It is one of three books that has ever, and still does, to this day, made me cry.  The sorrow and hearbreak of the series, and the painfully forced maturity on the characters makes one appreciate the moments that we enjoy in life, and shows us that life is just too short for some things.  Sure, the whole series was a stab at the Catholic Church, but you know what, they deserve it.
The film adaptation, on the other hand, missed everything that made the book special.  It doesn’t correctly capture the tomboyish bravery of Lyra, it made Mrs. Coulter out to be a rather likable character on the surface, which she never was, and it made Lord Asriel into an almost good guy, which he absolutely wasn’t.  It had a lot of really good actors and actresses in this film, I honestly don’t know where it went wrong.  It didn’t even get the end of the book right.  It totally ignored the fact that seperation of Roger from his daemon ended up killing him.  How they are going to make the second movie is a complete mystery to me, since the first book ended with Lyra crossing the window into another world.  It was the breaking of my heart, watching a movie that was made from so good a book, turn into a complete piece of shit movie.

There have been a lot of really good adaptations of great pieces of fiction.  The Lord of the Rings series was a masterpiece.  Several of the Sherlock Holmes movies and a new TV Show on Masterpiece Mystery are amazing.  There are some truly great adaptations.  It is possible.  Is it possible to make a good adaptation of a video game?  The people who make a version of the game Bioshock better hope so, because if they make a piece of crap movie out of that, I may end up killing somebody.

Until next time, a quote,

“I’m sure she just stopped over.  And scrubbed your floors, given the state of her knees.”  -Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock

Peace out,