Okay, so, we all have those great things that we love so much. Those books, and video games that have just stuck with us throughout the tribulations of our lives. They are the comfort stories. The stories that you remind yourself of when you are feeling down, and hoping that your life gets better. I remember when I was kid, curling up and thinking about the initial love-scene in The Amber Spyglass, when Will and Lyra finally realize how much they care for each other. I also think of the powerful scene in Keeping You a Secret when Cece tells Holland the tragic truth about her history, and why she was so desperate to keep Holland and their love a secret from her friends. These stories stick with you. But, there are some of these stories that have been turned into some of the biggest pieces of shit movies that have EVER, mother-fucking EVER, been made. Let’s get started.
10. Silent Hill
The Silent Hill series, is AMAZING! The original game was mostly based off of Jacob’s Ladder, a film which is so genuinely terrifying that you actually feel yourself want to stop breathing. The games are a surreal mind-fuck which keeps you on the edge of your seat, guessing to the end what could possibly happen, and with a plethora of endings, you don’t know is going to be the inevitable outcome of the character. Silent Hill 2 is among my favorite games of all time. It was an amazing story about a man who lost his wife, and is being tortured by demons, summoned from the evil force of the town and his own subconscious. It is brilliant storytelling.
The Silent Hill movie, on the other hand, is a complete piece of shit. From the very beginning, the movie loses sight of what is so important about the games- the mystery of the town and the malevolent forces inside of it, the characters who are not only being tortured by the monsters in the town, but by their own hearts, and what deeds they have done that has led them to this hellhole. It was a nullodramatic, overly-CG piece of garbage that belongs in the trash.
When I was kid, my favorite show was Beast Wars. It was a sequel to the original series, and it was well-done. Sure, the plot was a little cliche at point, but it was pretty impressive, for what it was. The robots in disguise concept was actually pretty cool, and the characters were fun. Dinobot’s sense of honor was actually pretty educated, given how it was a kid’s show.
These movies, on the other hand, were terrible. Shia Labeouf’s inability to act not withstanding, the action is what killed this movie. Both of them. The complete lack of any coherant story did enough damage, but when you throw in the endlessly cutting action sequences, which took away from the fights because you couldn’t keep a focus on one thing for more than two seconds, you were just left not caring at all. These films had a lot of potential. Personally, I really could watch a movie which is only about robots blasting and beating the shit out of each other. For real, if they just showed that, to hell with all of us, I would have been very happy, because the transformers did look cool! Epic…fail!
8. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
The Final Fantasy series has become one of the most acclaimed video game series in history! Final Fantasy VII is arguably the game which made the Playstation’s reputation. It has been one of the highest selling games of all time! Fantasy X was viewed as having one of the most incredible stories ever. All of them have complext stories, complex characters, and complex plots, and deep worlds that are beyond imagination.
This movie, however, was nothing short of boring, pointless, and a shame on the Final Fantasy name. It was dry, boring, and a complete waste of intellectual space. There was no magic, no mystery, no wonder, it was basically a post-apocalypse movie with great CG effects. Other than that, there was nothing to like about it.
7. Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Now, what killed this movie was the absolute lack in a coherant story. For real, it was a piece of commercial garbage that had some amazing effects, and some really cool fight scenes, but the complex characters and plot which the game was famous for was completely taken away. It was basically a jumble of pretty lights and nice sounds, and that was it! It was a shame on it’s predecessor, which was an incredibly deep and tragic story.
6. Galerians: Rion
Not many people know about the game series, Galerians. It was a game for the Playstation, the original system, and it is very old-school. The mechanics of it are clumsy, the gameplay was difficult, but it was a very well-told story. It was the story which actually was the best feature. It told the tale of a young man who is in a world that is coming apart, and he doesn’t know what to think of it all. He is just trying to survive, but is driven by a bond with somebody that he doesn’t even know.
The movie, on the other hand, is just poor effects which kill it. The powerful characters are played down due to time constraints. Rion’s relationship with Rita is thrown away. The malevolence of the character Dorothy is completely unexplained. It is just a poor amalgamation of bad animation. That is really the only problem with it, but it does deserve to be on this list.
5. Super Mario Bros.
Oh…good…god! What happened here is that those who created this movie, this terrible, foul, venerial disease of a film, just didn’t realize that their source material for this movie wasn’t nearly as dark as the movie itself. The Mushroom Kingdom is a magical place, filled with happy and bizarre creatures, and a giant tortoise that basically wants to kick Mario’s ass and steal Princess Peach for reasons that are better left undiscussed. This whole film was basically a kick in the face to those who actually liked the original subject matter.
I LOVED this book. I truly did. That book was so incredible. It couldn’t have been more interesting if it tried. It was a tale that isn’t exactly new, but the writer of the book, Christopher Paolini, did a remarkable job shining it up and making it an incredible story. It tells the tale of a young man, who is just a nobody in a world that doesn’t care, given an enormous responsibility that he isn’t ready for, and doesn’t truly want. His journey to accept his destiny and overcome his fear is a wonderfully told narrative.
The movie that was made from that book, however, spit in the face of EVERYTHING that it represents. It was too incredibly short, Eragon’s cousin died, which means that there is no way that the plot of the second book can possibly happen in the movies. It doesn’t keep to the plot of the original story at all. Even the acting is terrible, and I happen to really like Jeremy Irons. He has a bad habit of being in some really great movies, like The Lion King, and also being in complete pieces of shit, like Dungeons and Dragons. It was just a lackluster performance, from start to finish.
3. All of the Resident Evil movies
The plot of the Resident Evil series is intricate, complicated, and dark. The characters are interesting, hopelessly out of their depth, in situations that are completely out of control. They stories are interesting, and keep you guessing. You like the protagonists, and you often like the antagonists. Albert Wesker, the villain/anti-hero (sometimes) of several in the series is incredible! His death in the fifth game pissed me the fuck off!
But then we have these pieces of crap movies. I could show you trailers of them all, but that would be a waste of your time. We have Milla Jovovich, who I don’t think is a very good actress, playing the only protagonist. You don’t bond with her because she has the emotional depth of a toadstool. You have what could have been a good story just turn into a post-apocalpyse bore that we have all seen a million times before. They are all just crap, and spit on the reputation of the source material.
2. The Last Airbender
I have no shame in admitting that I LOVE the series Avatar: The Last Airbender. It tells the story of a young man who is in love with life, on a journey to stop an evil dictator and save the world. He is the last of his people, after they were all brutally slaughtered 100 years earlier. His loneliness as a character is often very apparent. He is traveling with a number of very powerful compatriots, who are his best friends. It is a very smart show, for its target audience.
The film adaptation, on the other hand, completely fails on every…single…level. It is too short, for one thing. It doesn’t flush out a single character. The names are deliberately mispronounced. The world is small, boring, and uninteresting. The Bending takes forever, and with very lackluster results. It basically misses the point. It even makes the main character a very serious guy, which I would like, if he were a tad bit more interesting. I loved the show. The movie, made me depressed.
1. The Golden Compass
The His Dark Materials series, by Phillip Pullman, is my favorite book series of all time. The third book in the series, The Amber Spyglass, is my favorite book of all time. It is one of three books that has ever, and still does, to this day, made me cry. The sorrow and hearbreak of the series, and the painfully forced maturity on the characters makes one appreciate the moments that we enjoy in life, and shows us that life is just too short for some things. Sure, the whole series was a stab at the Catholic Church, but you know what, they deserve it.
The film adaptation, on the other hand, missed everything that made the book special. It doesn’t correctly capture the tomboyish bravery of Lyra, it made Mrs. Coulter out to be a rather likable character on the surface, which she never was, and it made Lord Asriel into an almost good guy, which he absolutely wasn’t. It had a lot of really good actors and actresses in this film, I honestly don’t know where it went wrong. It didn’t even get the end of the book right. It totally ignored the fact that seperation of Roger from his daemon ended up killing him. How they are going to make the second movie is a complete mystery to me, since the first book ended with Lyra crossing the window into another world. It was the breaking of my heart, watching a movie that was made from so good a book, turn into a complete piece of shit movie.
There have been a lot of really good adaptations of great pieces of fiction. The Lord of the Rings series was a masterpiece. Several of the Sherlock Holmes movies and a new TV Show on Masterpiece Mystery are amazing. There are some truly great adaptations. It is possible. Is it possible to make a good adaptation of a video game? The people who make a version of the game Bioshock better hope so, because if they make a piece of crap movie out of that, I may end up killing somebody.
Until next time, a quote,
“I’m sure she just stopped over. And scrubbed your floors, given the state of her knees.” -Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock