The Crucifixion Story

Taken from the Gospel of St. Lucien, Chapters 33-55

“And when the Easter Bunny knew that he was alone, he got down on his knees.
‘Oh Father, I know of the trials you have in store for me.  But I am afraid.  Please, Father, give me the strength to be faithful to you.  Give me your love, so that I may help the people.  For dark times are ahead.’
After he finished praying, the Easter Bunny got back up.  He went to rest.  His body ached, and so did his soul.
The next night, the Easter Bunny gathered his followers.  As they had finished eating, he held up his hands.  His followers went silent.  A look of pain was on their messiah’s face.  Jack Skellington, his most loyal follower, went over to his master’s side.
‘Holy Easter Bunny, what pains you?’
Gently resting his hand on his follower’s should, he looked up at the rest.
‘My brothers, I am afraid that I have terrible news.’
All of them looked up.  From far away, the Leprechaun felt fear creep into his heart.
‘Please, Easter Bunny, tell us, what is this news?’
‘I am afraid that one of you has betrayed me.  Even now, Santa Claus’ soldiers are readying to take me away.’
The followers all got to their feet.  Cupid looked dismayed.
‘Who among us would betray you?!  Surely not I!’
Old Man Winter also stood up.
‘I would never betray you, Easter Bunny!’
Jack Skellington stood up as well.
‘Lord Easter Bunny, I say to you, I would never turn my back on you.  Not this day, nor any other.  I am the most faithful of all!’
The Easter Bunny cast a cold look on him.
‘I say to you, Jack, that before the sun comes up, you will deny me three times.’
Skellington looked shocked.
‘Never, Lord Easter Bunny!  I would never betray you!’
It was then that Cupid put his hands on the table.
‘We must get you away from here, Lord Bunny!  Please, let us hide you!’
‘Yes, let us take you to Halloweentown!’
‘You must let us do something!’
The Easter Bunny held up his paw.
‘I say to you, my brothers, that the Lord has told me of this betrayal.  The one who has betrayed me has been paid in full.  But now amount of money will spare him from my Father’s wrath.  I say unto you – this one has no place to hide.’  His face grew saddened.  ‘But you must now go into hiding, my brothers.  For you will be taken too, if you are with me.’
‘No, Lord!  Let us stay with you!  Do not send us from your side!’
The Easter Bunny held up his paw again.
‘Fear not, brothers.  Though I leave you today, you will see me again.  For you shall have entrance into my kingdom.  Continue my teachings, brothers.  Spread my candy to all that you find.  My father shall keep a place for you there.’
The followers of Easter Bunny prayed to their Lord, and were together for that night.

As they parted, the followers of the Easter Bunny went their separate ways, as commanded by their teacher.  It was hard for all of them.  Skellington made his way to the town.  As he was going, a woman caught sight of him.
‘You are one of the followers!  The followers of the Easter Bunny!’
Fearing for his life, as the crowd looked angry, Skellington shook his head.
‘I am not!  I do not know him!’
The crowd grew.
‘Yes you are!  I have seen you with him!’
Again, Skellington shook his head.
‘I tell you now,  I know nothing of this Easter Bunny!’
The crowd grew even larger.
‘I know that you are one of his followers!  I know you are!’
Becoming exasperated, Skellington turned on them.
‘I tell you all, I do not know this Easter Bunny!  I am not one of his followers!’
Then, sitting on the floor, he looked up and realized that what the Easter Bunny had told him was true.  He fell to the ground, weeping.

The next day came, and the Elves of Santa Claus came to where the Easter Bunny laid.  He did not run from them.  He greeted them, and was beaten by them.  They put him into stocks, leading him back to the Workshop.  Once there, they chained him to a post.  For many hours, they beat and lashed him.  When it was done, the threw him into a cell.  A crown of thorns was placed over his head.  Getting it by his ears caused them to be torn and cut.  Blood ran down his face.  Yet, as they beat him, the Easter Bunny continued to pray for them.

After three days, the crowds gathered.  Santa Claus came from his workshop, dragging the broken body of the Easter Bunny.  He put him out to the crowd, and then asked them.
‘What would you have me do with the king of the Bunnies?!’
The crowd chanted, ‘kill him!  Kill him!’
It was then that Santa Claus turned toward them.  ‘You have spoken, people!  Know that this man’s death will not be yours and your children’s burden to bear.’
They continued their chant, and Santa took him back.  He prepared him for the crucifixion.  It was the worst way to die.
They lashed the man’s arms to a wooden cross.  Then, they opened the gates, forcing him to march up the hill.  As they passed, the Elves, Ghouls and all manner of the Holiday peoples came.  They spit upon the Easter Bunny.  They screamed obscenities.  They cursed him, hit him, and threw both food and fecal matter at him.  Yet through it all, the savior still prayed for them.

They got to the top of the mountain, and the Easter Bunny was tied down.  After putting a wedge underneath, they nailed his bottoms paws together.  They then put his upper paws together, and nailed them down at the arm.  They then raised his cross up.  For days and days, he hung there.  His white cotton tail dripped with blood.  As he died, he looked to the heavens.
‘Forgive these people, Father, for they know not what they do.’
Then, in that moment, his life drained away.  The moment this happened, the vault of the candy stores ripped open.  The chocolate bars burns apart.  The malt balls exploded.  It could be heard from Halloween Town to Christmas Town, the children cried.

Happy Easter, everybody.

Until next time, a quote,

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”  -George Carlin

Peace out,

Maverick

What I’d Like to See from the Next-Gen Games

Replaying the Mass Effect series, there’s something that I noticed – your romantic partner doesn’t notice any changes that you get between games.  See, I started off with really short hair.  The idea was that it would get longer as the games went on.  That seemed like something that made sense to me.  But when I made it longer in Mass Effect 2, down to her shoulder, my love-interest didn’t notice.  Personally, I think it would have been kind of cool if she has remarked something to the effect of, “your hair’s grown.”  Then, knowing me, in the conversation options, I would have had a witty retort in hand.  Stuff like that would make the interactions seem a lot more natural.  Especially since this love interest hasn’t seen me for over 2 years.

Something that bugged me in Mass Effect 3 was that, after three games of cultivating this love interest, it still feels like you’re dating this person.  One of the things I liked in the Citadel DLC was that it finally treated this relationship like it had been building for a while.  And my favorite bit of character interaction in 2 was in the Lair of the Shadow Broker missions, where you are chasing a Spectre and arguing with Liara about your driving.  That was so fun because, let’s face it, we have all been there.  Either we have been with our romantic partners in real life having these discussions, or heard our parents doing it.  These sorts of interactions make the relationship feel more real.

Being able to make believable relationships with the characters is getting easier and easier.  But something that I am hoping the next console cycle will bring us are the smaller touches.  Things like noticing when your hair is longer.  Or catching sight of you and smiling.  The little details matter, because in a universe like Mass Effect, they help make it more believable.  And they wouldn’t have relationships in games if we weren’t looking for that.  They are playing to a market, here.  So naturally, it makes sense that they make these things more believable.

Among the other things I would like to see is characters in games being more aware of their surroundings.  NPCs making eye-contact with you when you show up would be once nice touch.  Also, when a guy notices a hot girl, having his eyes follow her.  And girls noticing a hot guy.  I like that idea too.  Little things like that, that make characters seem believable.

Also, don’t focus so much on all the details.  You don’t need to know what the title of the paper the guy is reading to make him seem like a real guy.  Instead, focus your efforts on making cities and environments feel lived in.  Probably the best example of this was in Batman: Arkham City.  Not only did that place have incredible detail, but it felt alive, mostly by hearing what people were saying and doing.  The next generation should look to expand on this.  There is a lot of potential for some truly massive gaming worlds, and instead of making me marvel at the visuals, make me feel like I am a part of it.  Take the ideas of Mass Effect, and make it bigger.  Make it feel like I am a part of a universe.

The last thing that I want to give you all to think about is making small moments with characters.  One of the things I like about The Darkness was how you could actually sit with your girlfriend and watch the entire film “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”  You can take the time to get to know this character, and appreciate your relationship with her.  The reason I am pointing this out is that scenes like this is where attention to detail should be focused.  Scenes where you are enjoying a person’s company.  This is easily possible with the next generation.

A lot of people think that the next generation is going to be about awesome visuals and lots of shooting.  And they may be right.  That’s part of the reason that I’m not exactly jumping at the idea of a new console coming out.  Telling a good story is what draws me, and to be honest, nothing about a new console says that that aspect is going to get better.  In reality, all the latest tech demos have shown is slick visuals.  Good games are about more than that.

Now, with that said, I am not naive.  Series like Call of Duty and Battlefield wouldn’t be as popular as they are without an audience of people who like it.  These games are devoid of the same kind of rich narrative that I enjoy.  For those of you who think that I hate all FPS games, don’t.  Games like Bioshock have shown that even this medium can have a rich story and be engaging.  But we are being given a new medium here.  But maybe it is all for naught.  Games like the Call of Duty series and its brethren are showing that this medium sells.  And with the budget of future games needing to be massive, big companies will be selling games they know will return their investment.  So maybe my expectations are too high.  But I hope not.  I really do.

Until next time, a quote,

“A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist.”  -Ashley Williams, Mass Effect

Peace out,

Maverick

A Look at America’s Bigotry

Well, considering that I did a post about the debate over gay marriage that is now taking the center stage, and how Obama’s pussy ass didn’t decide to support either side, I figured that I should take a look at the always vocal side of America that is focused on bigotry.  Oh, so many of them will say things like “I hate their sin, not them,” or “I don’t hate them, God hates them.”  Yeah, that’s a lovely line to spew when you don’t have anything else to say.  But the reality is that they are just bigots.  Garden variety bigots.  And now, a group called Buzzfeed has given us visual proof of this. 

See, they asked 20 people why they are against gay marriage.  These people decided to be nice enough to write their answers down and let pictures get taken of them.  Here are 10 of those answers.  I will be commenting on them as I post.

Bigot 1Well, that reason is just so well-informed, educated and backed-up by fact, honey.  I mean, the way you put it, if we let other women get married, they’ll all want to!  Oh, wait, that’s really fucking stupid, and you’re equally-stupid because you actually believe that.  Oh yeah, and you also can’t spell, since you don’t want to be with “a women.”  Moron.

Bigot 2Ah yes, God.  You’ll find that a lot of the reasons that these young people have come to this conclusion is associated with this imaginary friend.  Because, as we have seen in the Bible, this God character sure does follow people’s prejudices, doesn’t he?  Well, I’m so glad that these believers have a guy in their life who always agrees with them and never tells them that they are just a bunch of bigots.  I mean, all that stuff that Jesus said about loving your neighbor and not hurting people.  I’m sure that’s just window-dressing.  We all know that Jesus secretly hates the gay people as much as the rest of us.  Right?

Bigot 3You know what else is written in the Bible – that men having long hair is a sin.  Dumb shit.  Oh, and apparently, because you had good parents, that means that all gay and lesbian parents are bad parents.  Unreal.  That kind of stupid can only be found in America.  Or maybe not, but it’s most vocal here.  I just love the idea that because you had good parents, these people can’t have good ones.  But I’m sure that your Fundie Christian parents made sure that hammer that point home inside of that clump of bologna that you call a brain.  Oh yeah, and you call yourself “amazing,” yet you are at a rally for bigots.  Well, if anything, you’re an amazing piece of shit.  Would you accept that?

Bigot 4 Oh, the pretty white girl has a problem with gay marriage because she believes in God.  So tell me, honey, you have sex before marriage?  Get any piercings?  Got any tattoos?  Ever eat shellfish?  I can see that you’re wearing something of mixed and also artificial fabrics, so you’re sinning right there, holding that sign.  So, you believe in God, but don’t obey every single command he gives, except this one.  At least the first girl was honest, saying that she found it icky.  Like all the rest of these Christ-tards, you hide being religion because it makes you feel good.  Never mind that you’re causing real harm to real people in real time.  Rotten excuse for a human being…

Bigot 5Oh my god.  Your grammar is awful!  Seriously, reading this out loud is an exercise in patience.  So, let me get this straight – because your imaginary friend made a man and a woman, and a woman from a man’s rib (If you buy one of the Genesis stories.  There are two, in Genesis.  In the other story, God makes a man and a woman at the same time.  But don’t tell Christians that.  They aren’t real good with consistency.  Or knowing their own Bible), so that’s why gay marriage is wrong?  Huh, when you say it out loud, that sounds pretty fucking stupid.

Bigot 6Oh, really?  Well, I guess you haven’t heard that being gay is totally natural.  For real, over a dozen species of animal (and human beings are animals, despite our desire to believe otherwise) that are documented to get into single-sex relationships.  Homophobia only exists in one.  Here’s a hint – it’s the one that is holding up the signs in this blog post.  And everything in nature is totally natural.  So, by your logic, since it’s in nature, that makes it okay.  Right?  I mean, if you’re arguing that it’s still wrong, even though it’s in nature, then that makes you just a hypocrite.  For real, there’s no way around that.  Either you accept your own position, or you just shut the fuck up.  I hope you pick the former, but I’m totally fine the latter.

Bigot 7Well, here’s a new one.  Most people go right to the whole Leviticus reasoning and just say it’s wrong.  You are actually making a different argument.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s fucking stupid, and you don’t look any smarter making it, but wow.  You actually are coming at this from a different angle.  You wearing any mixed fabrics?  You ever eat shellfish?  I ask this not to be a broken record.  I ask because I am looking at what you are saying here and think that it is nothing but bullshit.  You nit-pick, which makes you nothing but a casual Christian, and you hide behind the Bible as a means to not take moral responsibility for the insipid bullshit you say.  Yeah, That sounds about right.

Bigot 8Wait…what?  So, we’re redefining what’s human by allowing gay marriage?  Are you fucking serious?  Are you actually making the argument that these people are somehow not human because they don’t have the same relationships as you?  Or are you saying that somehow God’s creation is changed because we allow gay marriage?  I honestly don’t know what else to say, because I just don’t get this response.  It’s that stupid.  I leave it to you, my viewers, to figure this one out.

Bigot 9Yeah, and you put one woman and one man on that island, a couple generations down the road, there’ll be some nasty inbreeding happening.  Though if you by the Christian angle, it’s all inbreeding.  Still, I gotta say, this is new.  You are actually making an argument that doesn’t involve the Christian sky-daddy.  Okay, um…hm.  Well, let me first say that if you believe the entire purpose of a relationship and marriage is to produce offspring, then you must have one boring love life.  The purpose of human life is not to produce offspring.  It’s to find happiness and to lead the kind of life that you think is worth leading.  And, as usual, you are with the bigots who make the argument that a man and a woman are needed as parents.  Take it from me, you bigoted bitch, I know two women who have raised an amazing daughter.  She’s a cool kid, and one of the few I like.  What makes a good parents isn’t what genitals they have.  It’s what they do with that responsibility.

Bigot 10And finally, we come back to another idiot who hides behind his faith to avoid having to actually think.  The girl above you may be nothing but a idiot who has thoughts that actually amuse me with how stupid they are, but at least her idea was original.  You, on the other hand, are just a person who wants to believe that God shares your prejudice and your hatred.  As most Christians do.

I posted a long time ago asking – what is God?  I now know what it is.  God is an idea.  The idea that there is somebody out there who will love you, no matter what.  A person who will always be there for you.  A person who likes what you like, thinks like you do, and hates what you hate.  Don’t like gays?  Naturally, God has your back.  Don’t like black people marrying white people?  Well, God certainly likes that too.  I mean, after all, the same idiots who are spewing this stupid shit were saying very similar things about 50 years ago.

Think about it.

Until next time, a quote,

“Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckin’ empty little heads off.”  -George Carlin

Peace out,

Maverick

Obama is a Pussy

You know, I have been seeing pretty much all my friend’s Facebook profile pics becoming a rather strange image.  An = sign.  At first, I didn’t know what to think.  Part of me felt like this is something that I should know.  I mean, if pretty much everybody is doing it, why haven’t I heard of it?  Then I remembered that I didn’t know what Gangnam Style was until right around the time of the election, when I saw the Mitt Romney parody of it.  Which is a video I still watch to feel good when I’m having a bad day.  And I didn’t know what the Harlem Shake was until two weeks ago.  So yeah, things that are big have slipped my notice before.  But this was literally half of my friend’s list.  That can’t be a coincidence.  So, I put it out there that I had no idea what was going on.  And I found out that right now, the debate about the Defense of Marriage Act, or DOMA, is being deliberated by the Supreme Court.  It’s a big battle, and one that we shouldn’t ignore.

And what I heard from the debates was generally uplifting.  I heard a lot of sound and rational arguments from the United States Supreme Court.  It sounds like they are actually looking at this issue seriously.  And there is NO good reason why same-sex marriage should be kept illegal.  None.  Outside of religious bigotry, I haven’t heard anything that makes me think for a second that denying these people the right to marry is a good idea.

While hearing all of this, there were some lovely testimonials, support pledges and what have you.  But then I came upon this video, by a news group I follow called The Young Turks.  And, once-again, I got to see that this country is led by the single biggest pussy in the history of pussies.  Because, as always, Obama talks about a middle-ground solution.  Naturally, he can’t fight for ANYTHING!  His stated purpose of existence is to not challenge the status quo in any way.  Because doing that might mean that something that is actually positive would get done!  Can’t have that.  No, instead we have to kowtow to the belief that the two sides of this country are actually able to act like grown-ups and agree with one-another.

No!  Wrong!  The conservatives in this country don’t give a shit about working with the liberal side of the fence.  They’re too busy believing in magical sky wizards and all their little friends!  The reality here is that the President of this country is supposed to believe in things.  This person is supposed to stand up for what’s right.  Or even if it isn’t what’s right, they are still supposed to believe in what they choose, and fight for it with determination.  What does President Pussy do?  Well, he decides that the best course of action is to not support either side, and still think that he’s the good guy.  And when the rest of us are annoyed that this little sniveling coward doesn’t get any results, he just doesn’t seem to understand what’s wrong.

This is unacceptable, people.  You all talk about how great voting is.  You all talk about how these future leaders mean something.  Well, here’s a query – where is all this greatness that these clowns are supposed to have?  Cause from where I’m sitting, it looks like our world’s government is just going through the motions.

I didn’t think that I would be putting my nose back into politics.  But when I see stories like this, then hear my liberal brethren talking about how Obama is so good for America, I just want to punch them in their blind faces!  Gay marriage should be a nationally recognized right!  Why our government is even involved in who marries who is a complete mystery to me.

Just another day with Obama the Pussy.

Until next time, a quote,

“I got large amounts, in Swiss Bank accounts.  Norris and Eastwood in my vacation house.  Talking wine and cheese, mad Ivy degrees.  Baby-baby, I got butlers just to wipe me.  You know what I’m sayin’!”  -Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney Style

Peace out,

Maverick

A Perfect View of The Video Game Medium

Here is a video by my favorite gaming video maker. This guy and I must share the same brain, because how he views things is almost always how I do, from his hatred of the Mass Effect 3 ending (even with the extended cut), to this neat idea – where he applies an author from a time ages before video games were anything at all to the world of gaming and how we experience it. And this guy’s videos don’t get nearly the love that they should. So yeah, watch it, and I hope you enjoy.

Peace out,

Maverick

Saying Goodbye is Always the Hardest

As the semester is drawing to a close, I have been left with a fair number of things to think about.  Things that are leaving me, for the most part, very unsettled.  It has been a long road, and I am not very eager to see it’s end.  For once, the destination is more averse to me than the journey.  But, as with most things, it cannot be changed, so I do what I can.  I look at the future as it is coming to meet me, wondering what life has in store for me next.

Mellisanni Cave, GreeceIt has been a hard year.  I will do as I did last year and make a post where I talk about it all once it actually does come to an end.  But before that, let me say that I have had a lot happen to me, and it has left some marks.  I did a lot of growing-up this semester.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t for good reasons.  Some people grow up because they are getting new responsibilities, like marriage or having children.  The latter isn’t anything I am into, but I can see why people would feel a need to become a better person for it.  And once upon a time, marriage was something that I wanted.  I grew out of that as well this year.  My inner romantic has died a slow and agonizingly painful death.  But it is dead now, never to return.

However, something that I am going to be looking at in the near future is the sight of a friend depart the state, never to return.  She has a bright future ahead of her, and will be continuing her education down in the States.  Once that is done, she will be returning to California, to begin her career as a lawyer.  Naturally, I wish her the very best, as I do with anybody.  Wishing ill on a person who hasn’t wronged you seems cold to me.  Of course, it will still be so hard to watch her go.  My time with her has been one of the few things about this semester that matters to me.  The few bright spots among the absolutely miserable rest of the year.  One that I won’t lament one bit, once it’s gone.

So many of my friends have either graduated or gone off from this place.  Sure, I keep up with them via Facebook and the like, but it isn’t the same.  You can’t get the small and subtle little bits of conversation that make you both laugh.  You don’t have the small moments where you can enjoy a person’s company.  The little smiles that show that even though they don’t want to admit it, you made them feel good.  Part of what I love to do with friends is to make them smile then they are sad.  It’s a gift I have.  I can make almost anybody smile.  I have a feeling that I got that from Sally (the mother-unit).  But yeah, being with a person on the internet just isn’t the same.

There are so many people who I wish were still around.  One of my oldest and best friends used to live just down the road from here.  I would sashay over to her place as often as I could.  It was wonderful.  They left and I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.  They were just gone.  I will probably never see them in the flesh again.  I have tried keeping up with said friend online, but that is a well that is also going dry.  Why?  Well, that’s a mystery for both of us.

One of the family dogs was in surgery, recently.  It was found that she has a mass in her throat, making it harder for her to breathe.  Preliminary findings point to it being cancer.  If this is the case, that means that a dog who was given to me, so very long ago, looks to be on her way out of this world.  This hurts me for a couple reasons.  The first is that I love this dog.  True, she and her puppy are the old man’s dogs.  She may have been given to me after a surgery of my own, but she is his dog.  She follows him everywhere, sits on his lap and is basically his buddy in everything he does around the house and the neighborhood.  Still, like the rest of the family, I love that girl to death.  She has been an awesome dog.  About as sweet as can be, but not the over-exuberant joy that her puppy has for the entire world.  Seeing her go will be incredibly difficult.

But then there is another thing it makes me think of – my kitty.  See, we have family dogs.  But the cat, who I grew up with but still live with the parents because that’s where she has lived her whole life and is most comfortable, is most definitely MY animal.  Every time I am around, that cat is to me what the dogs are to my old man.  Her and I are thick as thieves.  That’s not to say that she doesn’t have some affinity for other people.  She likes the parents, mostly because they give her attention.  But every time I am out there, as I will be this summer, she comes running and hardly ever leaves me alone.  My old man complains about the dogs.  I don’t complain about the cat.  I like having somebody who wants me around like that.  It’s nice.  With a person, it would probably be creepy and disturbing.  With the cat, it is kind of sweet.  Still, she is one of my best friends, mostly because it isn’t easy for me to make close friends and the friends I have now are going off and doing their own things.  Going a new direction that involves me less and less.  Which is fine.  For real, I’m not hating on that.  I’m just saying that this is what it is, and the fact that I am okay with it doesn’t make it any easier.

Sorry, went on a tangent there.  But the point is that my kitty is older than the family dog, Zoe.  It makes me think about how she can’t have too much longer left, which really hurts me because she is one of my best friends.  Losing her will be awful.  I have no doubt that it will be agonizingly painful for some time.

Salar de Unyne, IndiaWhen I was younger, my parents remarked that none of the cats people had ever died at home.  In their history, this was true.  The cats that their respective families had had, since we lived out in the middle of nowhere, always had a habit of going out one night, in their older years, and disappearing.  Personally, I always kind of liked that story.  I imagined that they would go to some sort of sacred place.  A sacred resting ground.  Like certain cultures, who would have pilgrimages to the sacred place of their people to rest.  Of course, now that I’m older, I know better, but still, it’s a nice thought.

Saying goodbye is the hardest thing in the world.  At the end of the semester, when this friend of mine goes home, I know that I will shed a tear or two.  Not in front of her, mind you.  As I said, I don’t want to make a person feel bad when they truthfully have done nothing wrong.  But that doesn’t mean it isn’t going to hurt.  It will.  But there’s nothing that can be done about it now.  Now, we are just stuck where we are, and that’s how it goes.

I am feeling very old, these days.  I wish the vitality would come back to me.

Until next time, a quote,

“I feel old…this game is rigged, man.  We like them little bitches on the chess board.”  -Bodie, The Wire

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Review: Mass Effect 3: Citadel DLC

Citadel DLCWell, this is it, people.  The final piece of the single-player DLC has been released.  A way to bring the saga finally to a close.  A way to end things in a way that’s memorable.  And, you know what, I think they did a bang-up job.  Since this a DLC review, I won’t talk about it as much.  Not as much to talk about.  But from my perspective, I think they made it feel very final and this was a good last piece of this series.  While the ending of ME3 still annoys the shit out of me, even with the extended cut, this was still something that I was hoping for.  A nice little way to make everything feel all wrapped up.

I will add a disclaimer, though – this DLC is most enjoyable if you are like me and most of the fun you had in this game came from shooting the shit with your people.  For real, that’s where almost all the fun in this comes from.  You can talk to people and the conversations are almost all hilarious.  They decided to not make this DLC’s story self-serious.  At all.  And bless them for it.  They cranked up the humor to 11, and it was just so much fun to laugh at all the face-palmingly awful puns that the characters play off each other.  Especially when you get to the combat sections.  Not to mention that, since they know they are playing to nostalgia of the entire series, they have a LOT of puns about actions in past games.  My personal favorite was Garrus remarking that he was the only one who talked to people in the elevator at the Citadel.  That was just awesome.

So, without spoiling the ridiculously funny twist, the plot goes that the Normandy is due for some maintenance.  About time.  You are also given Anderson’s apartment on the Citadel.  He has been on Earth so long that he doesn’t want to leave again, so he’s giving the place to you.  Sounds like a nice little vacation, right?  Well, as is typical with anything Shepard is involved in, it doesn’t last long.  Soon, you are being shot at by a new group who is VERY keen to have you dead.  And that’s all I’m going to say about the plot, because I don’t want to spoil how ridiculous it is.  That’s something you gotta see for yourself.  I will say that it is awesome.  Plus, if you have culminated a romantic partnership in the game, make sure to keep that person in your squad with you.  It leads to some great jokes at the villain’s expense.  And it all culminates in a surprisingly hard boss fight.  Without spoiling who it is, you are fighting a style that is exactly the same to your own, and hot damn if it isn’t hard!  But still fun.  And after all is said and done, you get to have a party where you can shoot the shit with every single person you have fought beside.  Seeing some of their drunk interactions is just great.  Think of Tali on the Normandy, but with everybody.  Yeah, it’s that good.

In addition to the story missions, which are fun, they also give you a new stomping ground to explore.  Do so, because it gives you new games, new weapon options, and you can trick out Anderson’s apartment as you see fit.  If that’s your thing, you’ll have fun doing it.  Also, it gives you a new arena where you can play as other characters and fight enemies or even your own squad.  Maybe even yourself.  That little touch is really cool, and it can give you some neat perspective.  When it comes to playing multiplayer, this is a nice little practice arena.

Not much more to say than that.  For real, it is the perfect ending to this series.  It’s a pity that the actual ending to this game didn’t have even 1/3 of the heart that this did.  When your character wakes up with their romantic lead and kisses them gently, greeting the dawn with them, that is perfect.  This was worth the $15, and I recommend it to all of you.

So, for future reference of final verdicts on DLC, I am going to make it the same 1-10 scale, but 1 in this instance means that it isn’t worth your time and 10 means that you are going to love it.  Since I know that this more of a personal tastes thing, since I know that some of you aren’t as into shooting the shit as I am, I will have it reflect.  But if you are that person, enjoy.

Final Verdict:
9 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick