Back when I was in college, I used to do Academic Year in Review posts. But those days are done, and I never did get around to doing a post on Christmas, so I thought I would do a post that is 100% personal and me just putting stuff out there. I probably shouldn’t do these posts. But I’ve never named names. I’ve never named places. If you want to look into it, best of luck. So I guess there is still some anonymity. And you all aren’t that bad to talk to, believe it or not. I like having you all around. The truth is, I was amazed when I hit 500 subs on WordPress. Now I am closer to 700 than 600, and I still find it amazing. The fact that over 600 people want to read what I write, some of them dating back 5 years, is so humbling. I realize that this really isn’t impressive. Hell, blogging is such a dead market. People like watching vlogs instead of reading. But I keep at this, because this is the medium that I know and understand. Maybe this won’t work, but I keep trying. Because I want to leave something behind, when my time is up. I’m not gonna be some great innovator, or some great leader. I’m probably going to be some nobody who has a few hundred people reading what I have to say. But I keep doing it. Man, that was a total digression. Let’s talk about this year.
It’s been a REALLY hard year, for me. My attempt to charge out into adulthood has crashed and burned, repeatedly. I keep fucking up, and I never seem to get anywhere. Where I started is where I’m at now, and it fucking kills me inside. I keep going, hoping beyond what my rational mind tells me is worth hoping for that it will improve. But I know that it won’t get me far.
The first major thing was leaving my parent’s home. Being done with college, it was time to get out and see what was to be found for me. The truth was, I had also made a promise to someone that I would have my own place by a certain amount of time. That goal gave me focus, in a way that I hadn’t had before. But it turned out to be for nothing. Why? Because that person didn’t keep up their end of the bargain. Like so many people in my life, getting turned on is almost a sport. So I had this new place, but I got it without first having a job lined up. Mistake #1. I was applying everywhere I possibly could, but it wasn’t getting me anywhere. Things just kept getting worse and worse.
However, there was a breakthrough. My cousin asked if he could stay with me for a while. He was making plans to leave the state to pursue his education. His plan sounded nice. If we’re being honest, I thought that I would join him down in the States after a couple years, if things were going alright. A couple years of job experience under my belt, it sounded good. At first, the two of us living together was pretty nice. Sure, there were some awkward moment, mostly tied into how small a place this is. To be honest, if I had gotten a two-bedroom apartment, he would still be living here. So much of the problem came from how small and cramped this apartment was. I needed my space, and just didn’t have it. But for the moments when it was cool between us, it was really cool. Him and I could shoot the shit about anything. We almost non-stop gave each other shit, but it was all in good fun. I loved having that sort of connection with someone. He was helping with the rent and utilities, which saved my ass, and kept me from having to ask my folks for help a lot sooner. We’ll get back to that.
But as I said, it was cramped, and that started to grate on me pretty quick. I love my cousin. As I said, if it was a two-bedroom place, he’d still be here and that would be totally alright. Yet my nerves were getting frayed, and his plans to leave were disrupted by something stupid that he did. Eventually, I decided that I wanted my place back to myself, and told him that he would have to be out by the end of the month. In hindsight, if it weren’t for some other troubles in my life, that would have worked out great. Because I found a job.
The job was as a medical records technician at a local neurology office. I owned that job! I’m still proud of how fucking good I was at doing it. If only I was still doing it now. But we’ll get to that too. The place had a really chill office team. The boss was micro-managing in the extreme, but I could deal with that. I won’t get too far into what went down there. Let’s just say that a lot of things started to go wrong in my life, and eventually I decided that I wanted out of that office, and to move on to somewhere else. Mistake #2.
At this point, my ex came back into my life. Her and I tried to be on good terms after we broke up. Like so many points, I am the bigger person, and my reward is getting shit on by life. During the summer, she brought up that the two of us should give our relationship another chance. I felt great. Cloud fucking 9, bitches. But the dreams of potential didn’t last. At the end of the summer, I get a Dear John text from her, telling me that she doesn’t want to be with me again, because of my depression. Seeming to forget how great we were doing when the two of us were living together. Oh yeah, didn’t mention – this apartment I’m in now isn’t the first time that I’ve lived away from home. Seems like everything I do goes to shit. See, she didn’t just send me a Dear John text. She also went on to excise herself from my entire life. Unfriended me on Facebook, and saw fit to untag herself from all the pics we took together. Like the one when we moved in together. I deleted all those pictures. Some of those were the only copy I had. Those pictures now don’t exist. She wanted to disappear from my life, well I guess the little bitch got what she wanted. The memories we had together are only in my mind. Don’t know about her. Given how hard she worked to get rid of us, it’s clear that it wasn’t hard decision for her. I fucking hate that little bitch. I don’t hate anyone, except her. There is no one else. There are people who I have real issues with, but I don’t outright hate. She is the only one that I feel that way about. I genuinely wish I could hurt her in the way that she hurt me, taking my heart and ripping it out and throwing it on the floor and taking a shit on it, after having crushed it under her boot heel. She is a terrible person, and I want nothing to do with her.
That stress didn’t go well at work. Now the search was on to find a new job. At first, I thought things were going well. Interview after interview, I was certain that something would work out, rather quickly. But it didn’t. So many interviews, and nobody wanted me to work with them. Why not? What was so bad about me? I was a hard worker. I am a fast learner. I’m damn good at what I do. Did what others believed impossible about my job at the office I worked at – I got caught up. That’s a fucking accomplishment! Things were falling apart, but it kept getting worse.
My finances were a fucking mess. Meds, other things. I was losing control of my situation fast, and had to do something that I will hate myself for for a long time – asking the parents for money. All the times I got lectured about how, when they were my age, they wouldn’t have dreamed of asking their parents for money. They might not believe it, but I took that sort of thing to heart. I don’t like the fact that I have to ask them for help. But at this point, I’m kind of out of options. One thing after another, and no end in sight.
Then came what I thought was a light at the end of the tunnel – a job opportunity that I believed was the perfect fit. It would FINALLY put the skills that I got my education in to use! It was a PR company! First thought – fuck yes! The job that I was applying for wasn’t glamorous. It was an office assistant position, but it was still in the field I got my education in! This was it! After so much misery, I was going to potentially get out of a rut, with this. But there’s something to be learned from the old saying – if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
I should have taken better notice of the red flags. The first big one – they didn’t want to interview me at the office. They wanted to do it at a Kaladi Brothers. I didn’t like that. It rubbed me the wrong way. I had been working at a doctor’s office. You meet at the office, and get to know the place you’ll be working, right? This felt wrong, to me. The woman who I met with seemed nice enough, in that interview. Oh how wrong I was. Then there were meetings that followed after this, all of which were at that fucking coffee shop. I really didn’t like this. Like, where is the office that these people supposedly have? But when she told me about the position that she wanted me to work, I was captivated. She wanted me to work for a position better than the one I had applied for. It felt so nice. Someone actually appreciated my education and dedication! They wanted to put me in a position where they felt my skills would go to work. In hindsight, this woman worked my ego, and I let her. Fucking stupid me, I know. It was such a dumb decision. I put in my two weeks and left the doctor’s office. Mistake #3.
From there, it was a giant fucking mess. This new job was supposed to be the golden ticket out of the situation I was in. If only that was how it went down. The next big red flag was when I found out that training would be done via conference call. Yeah…I didn’t like this. At all. It was such a joke. Me and about six other people were there, and the training was just PR schtick. What’s more, this wasn’t the job that I thought it was. I thought that I was being trained for a job working as a PR person, giving PR advice to companies that we would find. I would meet with clients and make sure that clients were happy. This seemed like the simplest thing. But it was all a lie. A well-crafted, totally bullshit lie. A few days into training, I was getting annoyed. What’s more, the woman who was supposed to be training us wasn’t doing a good job. So, I met with a coworker and I decided to bring these issues up to the person who set me up with the company. I found them through an employment agency. Got nothing but love for them. They did right by me. Can’t blame them for the actions of the employer. Even now, I still got nothing but love for them.
When I decided to walk away, I got a call from someone else in the company. I thought it was one person, but it seems that I was wrong. At least, the boss lady said as much. But I trust her statement about as far as I can throw her. So there’s that. Anyway, she called me up and asked me to come back on with the company. I was already annoyed, but she made a good case to me, so I decided that I would give them another chance. There came a lot of red tape with this mess, but I still remembered how much money I was supposed to be making at this job. Stupid me, blinded by money. From there, it just got worse and worse. See, this job was sounding less what I was trained for, and more like I was just a salesman. What was I selling? PR. But not our PR. No, this company was a middle-man between other companies. So this wasn’t a PR job. I was a salesman. I had been lied to, and I believed it. Because I was greedy.
The hammer fell for me one day, when I was asked to go out and secure a deal with a new company. I had to get them to fill out the paperwork, which I now realize was because the boss lady was too lazy to go do it herself. It was such a fucking joke. See, we weren’t even selling these people PR! We were selling them a fucking debit machine! Everything about this job had been a lie. I had just gone out and helped them secure a deal to get a debit machine. I was enraged. Nothing about what I had been told was true. Things between me and this company were already heated, but this was going to hit a boiling point. But I was convinced to stay on, but at a different position. One where I wouldn’t have to be a salesman, or so I thought. I should have walked. I should have taken my smart pills and walked. But my financial desperation, the stress levels. I was beyond the point of fearful returns. My back was most-succinctly against the wall.
Now, I believed that I would be getting my first paycheck from this company on a Tuesday. After all the headache, I was eager for getting some money from this. I felt that I was owed more for how much this company had fucked me, but any money is money, right? But I didn’t know if my paperwork with payroll had been processed. So I sent an email to the person who managed payroll for this company. These people (the company, not the payroll people) were so shady. They outsourced almost everything about what they did. This company was so fucking shady. I sent more than one message, because I hadn’t heard back. Eventually, the boss lady decided to get back with me, having made some HUGE inferences. This is what led to the downfall of my time with this company. Let me tell you all about that last morning with these people, and how it went.
I get an email in the morning. I look it over on my phone, and it has the boss-lady telling me that she believed that I had gone behind her back to talk to payroll, and that I didn’t trust her and the company or whatever stupid bullshit thing. She then told me that she was very upset with my lack of dedication to the company, putting forth that my professionalism was lacking. Oh, and because I hadn’t sold enough things for her company, I wasn’t getting any money at all. So all that stuff about my position not being tied to sales, that was a lie too. That was the straw that broke the camels back. In what was the most incredibly-vicious yet well-written email that I have ever done, I laid out that I was done with her, her company, and I wanted nothing more to do with any of them. I thought that they were terrible people, and they had basically wasted my time and that I wasn’t getting any money for it. What followed will go down in unprofessional history.
I got a text from the boss-lady, where she initiated what was, in no uncertain terms, a flame war. She, a professional individual in her capacity as a professional, started a flame war with me. Yeah, that is as unreal as it sounds. She decided to be as rude to me as possible, making clear that I hadn’t actually quit from that company (which I made very clear in my email that I had done so), but I was fired. Whatever. But after she saw fit to “fire” me, it kept going! Now in a non-professional capacity, she decided to send little barbs at me. I was having none of that. I live on the Internet. I troll people on Twitter and hang out on message boards. If you’re going to go up against me like this, then you better bring your A-game. She said something to the effect of, “well, at least I have a job and money, loser.” To which I told her something that was entirely true – “Actually, funny story, I had an interview with the hospital down the street from me last week for another job. So there’s that.” Needless to say, having been put in her place, she then decided to shut me down by threatening to file harassment charges against me if I kept talking to her. But she kept sending me texts. That was how this job ended. In the most unprofessional discourse of my entire life.
My year has sucked. Now I am right back where I started – broke as fuck, living in an apartment, and having crashed and burned. I’ve been sick as fuck this week, so I haven’t been able to mass-apply as hard as I need to, but I do have an interview on Monday. Wish me luck. I hate my life. My personal life is dead and buried. It has a plot at the cemetery on 6th Avenue. But I can’t stop now. I just can’t. I’m not moving back out there. I’m not going back to that little room in that house. Sure, my cat was there, but that wasn’t life! I am going to make this work. But I am still asking my folks for help. I’ll be able to move past this, and make my life work. I have to believe that. If I don’t….well, sudden stop and a quick drop ain’t an option for me, at the moment. I got other things I have to do first.
Happy New Year, everyone. Here’s hoping your year gets better. Mine too.
Until next time, a quote,
“May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!” – Aleister Crowley