Lucien’s First Take: Marvel’s Spider-Man 2017 E3 Gameplay

I meant to talk about this months ago, but I am finally getting around to it, because there is a lot to unpack.  Here’s the thing about probably 95% of superhero games – they suck, or are really mediocre.  Especially the ones licensed to films.  Licensed games are the worst thing under the sun.  After the SNES and Sega Genesis, they were all nothing but crap.  So when I heard that Insomniac is making a Spider-Man game that is officially licensed by Marvel, I was groaning.  I mean, Insomniac games are awesome.  They made the Ratchet and Clank games, which are awesome.  But a superhero game to come directly from Marvel?  This has bad idea written all over it.  This year at E3, however, they released a gameplay trailer that has taken all my skepticism and destroyed it.  It looks awesome, so let’s take a look at it now.

Right out of the game, the visuals for this game are amazing.  The level of detail is just perfect.  It’s pretty standard, for a modern console game, but you know what, it’s great.  Definitely hoping we can either customize or get new suits for the web-slinger, but I do like this suit.  Not too worried about that.  Switchable suits has been a standard for Spider-Man games since their inception, so it’s all good.

The control scheme for this game looks pretty simple.  I can clearly tell that almost all of it will be about staying above your targets.  The stealth elements look absolutely phenomenal.  One of the things I always thought was kinda dumb about Spider-Man games is that they don’t take advantage of the elements of getting enemies from above.  Sure, his suit ain’t exactly made to sneak, but you can still hit an enemy from above without them seeing you coming.  Since Spider-Man never kills his foes, we don’t have to worry about non-lethal runs of the game.  Exciting stuff.  The controls for getting back up to beams or on top of objects are taken right out of the Arkham games.  No problem with that whatsoever.  It’s totally fitting for our friendly neighborhood hero.

We also get to see some potential gadget stuff in this game.  Another thing I am digging that seems to have come straight out of the Arkham games.  Desperately hoping that they don’t just copy that formula beat-for-beat though and give you some freedom to customize the stuff you use and be able to craft specialty stuff.  Really wondering how the leveling up system is going to work.  You also can use the environment to fuck up enemies!  That’s awesome!  I love it.  Later on we get to see that done even in combat scenarios.  Manipulating the environment in active combat and not just for stealth is a break from the mold they clearly are going off of, and I think that’s a great one.  But the stealth aspect of this game is really something.  Not gonna lie, the more potential I have to be stealthy, the happier I’ll be.  It’s my favorite way to play a game, and it looks like I get to scratch my itch here.

Then we get our first peek into the combat.  Now here’s something where I want to elaborate on how this game is using the Arkham formula.  A lot of people are saying that that’s unoriginal, but you know what, I think it’s goddamn brilliant.  There’s a reason why.  When you fight, it’s clear that you are using the same kind of system they used in Arkham to dodge enemy attacks before they happen.  To me, this formula makes even more sense for Spider-Man than it did for Batman.  Why?  Because of the Spider Sense.  That talent gives him the ability to see what’s about to happen when danger is close.  He gets an almost perfect ability to perceive incoming problems and react to them.  So the indicator system from the aforementioned series is perfect for that!  It also lets you dodge machine gun fire, which, for those who read the comics, is something that Spider-Man could do when he’s at his best.  Since this game isn’t attached to any film or thing like that, keeping it true to the comics is kind of awesome.

From there we get some stuff with a helicopter that shows this game is also taking cues from the old God of War games with quicktime events.  Not gonna complain about that either.  Clearly they are doing the concept right.  Kinda curious to see what all this “HEX” stuff in that clearly is some kind of energy.  This should be interesting.

This game went from being something I figured wouldn’t be worth my time, to one of my most-anticipated games of 2018.  That’s pretty awesome.  Let me know what you all think down below.

Initial Verdict:
Hyped!

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Review: Observer

I find myself in a very strange position – having a game where there is nothing wrong with it in terms of appearance, gameplay, or performance, and yet I was totally and completely bored by.  This is a game that has nothing fundamentally wrong with it.  I just got so bored playing it.  How is that possible?  Maybe it’s just not the kind of game for me?  I honestly don’t know.  There could be a lot of self-reflection in my future as I think about this game and what it represents to me.  This review may end up with me just stroking my own dick as I think about why I didn’t really enjoy this game as much as the Steam community seems to, but so be it.  I do want to talk about it.

The story goes that you’re in a 1980’s style dystopian future horror movie.  Everything about the aesthetic screams old school horror films.  This game seems to have taken some cues from Alien: Isolation in that regard.  You play as Daniel Lazarski, voiced very well by Rutger Hauer.  I like the voice acting from this character.  Rutger isn’t known for being able to boom.  He plays the broken down old man very well.  He is an Observer.  They’re a new kind of law enforcement who can go into people’s minds and take information that they don’t want to give up out of their heads.  It’s a dark concept, that admittedly has a lot of potential.  Now he’s on the trail to find his son, with whom he is estranged, and gets involved in a plot of murder and deception, all inside the heads of the dead or dying.

This game has a very unique look.  I liked the retro feel of the tech in this game.  You have all these holgraphic displays, mixed in with computers that look like they were coughed up from the 80’s.  It’s cool stuff.  Seeing games willing to eschew the modern film convention of making all the technology super advanced is really refreshing.  A pity Hollywood can’t seem to do that.  The problem here is that since the game really doesn’t take a large amount of time building the world it inhabits, I didn’t find myself getting into this beyond the most basic “that’s kinda cool” sorta way.  Which is really unfortunate because there was a lot of loving detail put into the environments.

Hacking into people’s minds brought me to another game that this one clearly took a lot of cues from.  Well, not really a game so much as what could have been a game – P.T.  After the death of Silent Hills, a TON of games have been trying to take that concept and run with it.  To extremely varying degrees of success.  In my opinion, this game didn’t seem to rise to the ambitious goals Hideo Kojima was trying to do the way others appear to be.  All the intricacies of P.T.’s environmental puzzles connected to being in a single hallway are lost on this game.

Then we get the sections that it’s clear they took from a previous work, Outlast – the moving around and hiding sections from a monster that you can’t kill.  These sections got very tedious, very quickly.  It was so easy to predict where the monster would be, so all the tension that could have come from hiding from the creature was lost in a nano-second.  I found myself wishing that they could have just ditched those entirely for maybe more creative environmental puzzles in the world of people’s minds.  For all the potential the idea of jacking into people’s heads has, they really seemed to not want to take any crazy chances with it.  I can think of 100 ways to make it a surreal nightmare all off the top of my head that they didn’t even try.  I kind of want to see this idea done again by a studio that is a little more ambitious.  Maybe Kojima can take a crack at it after he is done with Death Stranding?  Just a good idea.

Which brings me to the fear element – this game isn’t scary.  At all.  They really should have ditched the fear side.  I guess the fear is supposed to come from the idea of what it means to get into people’s heads and how that is violating their minds.  But here’s the thing – 99% of everyone you jack into is dead.  This concept could have been made immediately more disturbing if you had living people who are desperately fighting you in their minds from getting to their secrets.  Like maybe have an investigation where the Observer is so desperate to get to the answer that he’ll do all sorts of crazy shit in people’s head.  As I said, this is a really neat concept, that I want to see done better.

I guess my biggest problem here is that this game feels like a ton of potential that wasn’t wasted, per se, just not taken far enough.  If they wanted to make a game where the implication of what you’re doing is supposed to be the scary thing (which I like on a VERY large level), then why not go all the way with it?  I mean REALLY fuck with the player.  Make it so that the player feels like they are partly to blame.  Have them also so eager to get to the answer that they are pushing the main character to do all these things.  Maybe some Fourth Wall moments where you put on the player that what they’re doing is wrong.  So much potential in this thought process.

This is not a bad game.  I just got very bored by it.  To me it feels like a game that is riffing off other games and doesn’t go out of its way to be its own thing.  Which is a bummer, because the kind of game I described above, I can see Rutger Hauer being an amazing addition to.  Hopefully this isn’t his last foray into video games before he passes.  He is quite old.  It will be a shame when he goes.  He’s a great actor, and has the chops for great voice acting too.  But that’s just my thoughts.  Let me know what yours are below.

Final Verdict
6 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Review: Shin Godzilla

What a fascinating film I just watched.  I love me some old Godzilla movies.  The effects are so bad, but the kaiju fighting is just too much fun.  Plus, watching them dubbed adds an extra layer of cheese that cannot be compared.  I didn’t really like the new Godzilla movie that America made, partly because there was so little of the actual monsters.  A similar criticism could easily be leveled at this movie, but I won’t.  Why?  Because this film just took the most fascinating approach.  There is a lot to unpack here, so let’s get down to it.

The plot of this film is just focused exclusively around Godzilla.  No other kaiju to fight.  This movie has our titular monster as the big bad, which again sounds like it would be boring, but this movie just so odd.  It tells the story of a new Godzilla in a world where he never existed, now coming for Japan (what is his beef with that place?  What the fuck did they do to him?) and the Japanese government desperately trying to save their country from destruction.

This film is perhaps the most political movie I’ve seen in years.  It’s weird.  95% of this movie is spent with characters just talking.  There is so much talk about Japanese politics that you almost forget that you’re watching a Godzilla film for a while.  I wanna hate that, but I don’t.  Getting to see this Japanese government and some genuinely-likeable characters desperately trying to figure out what to do in the face of an international threat that is looking to take excessive measures to stop Godzilla is genuinely touching.  The head of a special department who is trying to figure out a way to stop Godzilla specifically is my favorite.  You genuinely get the feeling that he is invested in this effort to save his country.

Since the entirety of the movie revolves around the political sphere, if you hate listening to people talk about politics for almost the entirety of the 2 hour runtime of this film, you’re gonna hate it.  That’s the big and small of it.  Even when you see things happening in service to the plot of the film, they always find a way to bring it back to the the government’s efforts and how international pressure comes into play.  It’s actually kinda smart.  You genuinely feel for these people who are stuck in a world where they have red tape and public to worry about.  I like this perspective.  In the American film, it was all about a small section of military characters, none of whom were particularly interesting.  This movie has a kind of authenticity because they keep it focused on Japan and make the outside world as not evil, but disconnected.  You can take all this for what you will.

That being said, this film has a LOT of elements that are silly to the point of ridiculousness.  Since there are a lot of American characters in this movie, you get some genuinely funny Engrish.  This female character who is the American liaison to Japan is my favorite.  It’s clear that she’s a Japanese actress and English is NOT her first language.  But believe it or not, they get real American actors to play American parts.  The problem is that the writing for these actors is clearly done by somebody where English is their first language.  So the dialogue is so fucking stilted.  It’s kind great.  Oh boy.

Speaking of ridiculous things, let’s talk about the effects in this movie.  In the old films, it’s clearly someone in a suit.  This time they decided to trade in the suit for CG, and it’s…terrible.  I love it.  When you first see Godzilla in his original form, it looks so bad that I was laughing my ass off.  The eyes especially.  That was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.  Maybe that’s why they worked so hard to keep the focus off him.  Because too much time with the monster and we would have been laughing our asses off.

But it isn’t devoid of cool effects.  There is one scene that just blows me away.  It’s when they finally do real damage to the monster, and he loses his cool.  What follows may not be amazing, but is done with so much finesse and really good musical cues that you feel how desperate the situation is.

One thing I do wanna point out is a track used in this film.  When I first heard it, I laughed my ass off.  It’s so clearly robbed from Evangelion.  I mean, to the point of shameless.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I know that FUNimation is at least partly licensed in the production of this film, I’d be amazed that they haven’t sued the living shit out of this studio.  It’s so obviously the track from Evangelion.  They do change it just a little bit later in the film, but it’s not enough to make me think it’s anything else.

I also wanna talk about this film’s weird habit of suddenly taking strange angle shots right the fuck out of nowhere!  I mean nowhere!  They’ll suddenly have a shot from the weirdest angle and then cut away.  Whoever was behind that decision, I want to know why.  These shots just come and go in a split-second, and serve no purpose in any scene they are in.

Overall, I’m not sure how to rate this film.  There are a TON of flaws that one could easily nit-pick to death.  But, I had fun watching it.  This is a genuinely entertaining movie, for me.  Maybe it’s because I liked these characters, and the politics they were talking about was genuinely interesting.  I don’t know.  But your mileage with this movie will vary.  So glad I watched it with subtitles.  If I had had to suffer the dub, I know I wouldn’t have been able to take ANY of it seriously.  The genuine strength of the performances comes out only in original Japanese.  This review may not make much sense to you, but this is the best I can talk about it.  Do with my review what you will.

Final Verdict
7 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: Stop Complaining About How Short Season Seven of Game of Thrones Is

One of the biggest complaints I am seeing all over the Internet is as follows – “why is this season of Game of Thrones so short?!  Everything is so rushed!  Why can’t they take more time and get to know the characters more?  I mean, all Sam does is move the plot forward!  It’s boring!”  That may be a bit longer than I had thought, but I wanted to basically encapsulate all the complaints that I’m hearing in the same space.  Generally speaking, anyway.  And it’s frustrating.  Because it’s like people haven’t really been paying attention.

Here’s the thing – Game of Thrones is the most ambitious television series ever produced.  There isn’t a single comparison to be made, anywhere.  This series has done with no others have even attempted to do.  Because of that, they have had to make a lot of sacrifices.  There are a TON of plotlines from the books that are either distorted or outright gone.  Why?  Because they don’t have the time, or another crucial element that everyone who is bitching seems to forget about – money.  This series’ price tag has gotten astronomically-large.  A lot of critics have wondered if the series has gotten to the point that it’s too expensive to keep making.  A valid question.  So, when the lead writers said that they only have 13 episodes worth of plot, any normal person would wonder – why not have some filler stuff.  Little things where we take a break and get to know the characters more.  That’s smart.  The simple reality is that doing that takes more time and budget to shoot longer.

I understand how some people are a little annoyed.  Yeah, it’s weird how characters are able to traverse great distances in ye olde times with great speed.  But you know what I do?  I do that thing called critical thinking.  It’s a lost art in the age of conservative and liberal hand-wringing that eschews nuance completely.  How many episodes would they have needed to realistically have Greyworm get the Unsullied to Casterly Rock?  At least two or three.  They have to speed things up.  There isn’t enough plot left to fill in that kind of time.  So yes, Jon Snow made it from Winterfell to White Harbor and then to Dragonstone in the span of a single episode.  Hell, not even that.  The series has at least attempted to make the audience understand that there are weeks going between episodes, but that part has been admittedly clumsy.

And sure, there is a ton of stuff that I’d like to see.  Like, why didn’t Ghost go with Jon?  What a way to have them get to know each other.  Him being the father of a dire wolf with the mother of dragons?  That seems like a good way for them to bond.  I’ve missed Ghost.  He has barely been in the series since the very beginning of last season.  But then I remember – dire wolves have to be animated.  And that takes money.  Money that HBO unfortunately can’t spare.  We may never see Ghost again.  That will suck.  I hope he survives until the end.  There’s only one other dire wolf left.  Thankfully we did get to see that Nymeria is okay.  I’m really glad about that.  Not glad that Arya went back to Winterfell.  I thought her deal with seeing Nymeria and saying she doesn’t belong there anymore took it to mean that she doesn’t belong in Winterfell, so she was going to go south and finish her mission.  But nope.  Kinda disappointed with that.  Not gonna lie.

The point of all this rambling nonsense is that HBO has to do the best it can with what they’ve got.  They are out of plot and the budget just keeps growing.  They’re too invested in this to stop now, but the studio can’t let this series bankrupt them.  From a financial standpoint I understand their problems.  For all of us, it means that we get less show to watch.  But if what we see was like last night, with Drogon setting an entire army on fire, then yes, please, more of that.  I love the political stuff in the series the most, but I got a raging nerd hard-on for how cool that is.  Let’s enjoy how great this series is for as long as we can’t.  One more season, and that’s it.

Until next time, a quote,

“You can’t always get what you want.  But if you try sometimes, you get what you need.” – Lyrics by The Rolling Stones

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Westworld Season 2: Comic-Con Trailer

My friend Maddie got me into this show just recently.  I got HBO Now on my phone because I refuse to miss the latest season of Game of Thrones.  I figure paying $15 for a month is worth it.  I will be paying $15 again when I reactivate it for this.  Westworld is awesome.  Such a compelling narrative, dark science fiction, a world that is both intriguing and horrifying.  And there are so many unanswered questions about the nature of the universe that series takes place in.  Like, where is this park located?  They talk about orbital launches in the series, so is this in some kind of space station?  I refuse to believe that they were able to clear out some massive part of the midwest in America for this astronomically-huge park.  Or if they did, I want to know how.  With all the unanswered questions at the end of the first season, as well as a climax that took me completely by surprise, it’s time to go back in to see what happens next.  And it just so happens that HBO gave me a lot to think about with their latest trailer.

Just so you know, I am going to go into MAJOR spoilers for the last season, so if you haven’t seen it, I cannot stress enough – stop reading here!  Go watch it, then come back.  Trust me, you won’t regret it.

We begin with the iconic piano of the series.  But now the paper that made the music play has blood all over it.  It cuts to Bernard, standing by a river looking down at something.  It has the stripes of a tiger, but maybe I’m just seeing things but it looks like it has the face of a bear.  What is up with that?  A strange shot to include in the trailer.  Perhaps a sign of things getting out that they were experimenting on?  I have some thoughts about that, but let’s keep going.

Next there’s some dude hanging by his feet from a tree, swinging back and forth desperately trying to reach a gun on the ground.  Is that one of the guests from the end of last season?  I’m assuming so, as the entire robot staff had been brought back to life to exact some truly psychotic revenge on them.

Then it cuts to a shot of the facility’s control center.  It seems that absolutely everyone is dead here.  We see the pussy-ass British guy and my least-favorite character, Maeve, going through the mess.  Is the implication that she is the one who killed everyone?  That’s weird.  The only two Hosts who were free in here were dead by the end of the last season.  But since it’s been established that they have Hosts working in there, perhaps they decided to rebel with the rest.

Back to the world of the park, we see some of the Guests from the end of the last season on the run, with some of the Hosts running them down and killing them.  Evan Rachel Wood is back in her Wyatt persona, seeming to take great delight in making short work of the Guests.  More carnage inside the saloon at Pariah.

The last thing we see, though, is what really interests me.  A couple of vehicles dispatched by what I am assuming is security for the park, with Bernard driving with them!  So, is he siding with the Guests in this conflict?  That genuinely interests me, considering he had as much reason to hate them as any of the other Hosts.  That one shot has gotten me hooked more than anything, and I cannot wait to see the answers to what will happen next.

Lastly, a shock-moment – Ed Harris’ character is still alive!  HOW?!  I would have thought that Dolores/Wyatt would have ripped him to pieces for what he did.  How many Hosts are there that have been itching to have a piece of him?  Despite being a twisted fuck underneath it all, I did kind of like this character, once his motivations are fully explored.  Seeing him still breathing just amazes me.  He’s covered in blood, but alive.  Man am I stoked!  At the end he even appears to be starting to smile.  Whatever is pleasing this twisted bastard must be amazing.

What are your thoughts?

Initial Verdict
8 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: Twix Marketing and the Venom Movie

The very definition of a random assortment of bullshit. I was at my terrible, awful, no-good, thankless job today when I walked into the break room and got a look at the vending machine.  Don’t worry, I am not that pathetic.  I was reloading on water.  I actually am trying to take care of myself at this job.  Hence why I go on walks every single day now, multiple times.  But anyway, I get to the vending machine and I see a Twix candy bar.  Twix is my favorite kind of candy, but the thing which caught my eye is what was directly above it – Two Left.  The fuck?!  Then I remembered the retarded-ass marketing campaign of this stuff.

See, the company behind this had this marketing campaign where people were supposed to pick whether they like left Twix or right Twix better.  Like they aren’t the same goddamn candy!  That was stupid all on its own, but since I only caught that crap when I was out at the parent’s place watching TV, it didn’t bother me too much.  But then they decided to expand upon that retarded crap by introducing this newest marketing garbage.  See, since apparently this marketing campaign actually worked (what the fuck is wrong with you, America?!), they made packages that claim to have two left or two right Twix.  Why?  So the stupid monkeys who actually weighed in on this nonsense can have their precious left or right.  Fuck that noise!

As it has been made very clear that Americans are too stupid to get this crap, allow me to explain – you cannot have two left or two right of something in a package!  You have one thing on the left and one on the right!  Ugh!  But then all my retarded-ass coworkers said that I am overthinking this and how this reflects negatively upon me.  Are you kidding me?!  We have an ad campaign that is championing being dumb!  How am I the only person that bothers?!  Come on, people!  In the Comments, someone tell me I am not totally out of my mind here (just watch, now I get so trolled.  Never invite the Internet to do stuff like this)!

That stuff aside, there is another thing that got my attention recently – I saw in movie news that the Venom film is going to also star Carnage as the antagonist.  Really?  Don’t you think you’re kind of putting your best foot forward a little early?  Seems like you may want to see if a first Venom film can work before you pit symbiotes against one-another.  But as I thought about that more and more, it occurred to me – this better be an R-rated film!  Why?  Let’s discuss some comic nerd stuff.

Carnage is a truly grisly villain.  As the comic series has gone on, his body count is fairly astronomical.  The character’s entire schtick is that he uses his body to turn into gruesome weapons and rip his victims to pieces.  That’s pretty cool.  Put to film, such a character would be genuinely amazing, would they not?  Here’s the problem – this is a Sony film.  They suck at making movies!  The new Spider-Man only turned out so well because it was paired up with Marvel.  Tom Hardy as Venom definitely has an appeal to it.  He’s a great actor who can do dark roles very well.  I see him being able to take on something of an anti-hero like Venom and making it go pretty far.  But in a film with Carnage, here’s what I want – a HARD R-Rating!

Not this soft-R like Deadpool.  As much as I love that film, it played it safe in a lot of ways.  Logan was a step further in the right direction when it comes to gruesome comic book films with mainstream appeal.  But that even cut some corners from going too grotesque.  But no more of that with Venom!  If this film is going to have one of the most violent comic book villains of all time, then it better ramp up the death, blood, and gore to 11.  I want to see Venom beating the shit out of Carnage in a place filled with the mutilated bodies of his victims.  I mean, how can you possibly market a film with these two characters in it as a family picture?!

In an age where comic book films are FINALLY willing to take some risks that majorly pay off, this is the film where I want to see it ramped up to 11.  Hopefully that’s how they got Tom Hardy on board.  He is something of a crazy method actor, after all.  That man has brutalized himself in all sorts of ways for his roles.  I dig that kind of crazy.  And for the love of Groj, can we not let Sony get their claws into this film?!  They can only make it worse.  For whatever reason, this studio has a truly amazing record of taking good ideas and shitting all over them.  We’ll never know how that works, but there it is.

Until next time, a quote,

“Just like sardine cans!  Snack time!” – Carnage, Spider-Man: The Animated Series

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle Official Trailer

I saw the new Spider-Man today.  Awesome movie.  Just did a review on it.  But before that I had to suffer through a TON of ads for films that look just…awful.  Sony REALLY needs to get out of the movie industry, because they are producing some of the biggest shit imaginable.  I had heard that there was a sequel to Jumanji being done.  The classic film with Robin Williams, practical effects that still hold up, and CG that has aged terrible.  I had heard that it was going to involve The Rock and be set in a school.  So, some kids find the game and then it ends up having animal hijinks all around the school?  Okay, this sounds like it has potential.  Not much, mind you, but potential.

Oh, if only it had been that.  When the trailer for this film began, I was in awe, in absolute awe of how utterly stupid it is.  Let’s take a look.

So we have the breakfast club, circa 2017 being put in detention.  Glad to see the film wasted no time ripping off infinitely better films (something you’re going to learn that this film does a lot of).  So they find the game board down in that room?  You know, that iconic game board with all the really trippy effects and riddles telling our hapless characters what sorts of nightmares they unleashed?  This should be fun!

Oh, right we don’t have that.  Instead, we get their version of a Super Nintendo where it’s a video game now!  Because…modern?  Oh god, this film wastes no time trying to pander to the millenials who are NEVER going to like it anyway.  I just don’t get why they chose to do this.  Part of the charm of the original film was the understanding that it is retro.  Even for the 90’s, board games were passe.  But this game called to you.  It played drums and creeped you out.  There was real presence to that creepy board.  But now we have it just some game console that they found.  Were there even drums?  I didn’t hear anything, so I guess not.  Groj is this stupid.  This is so fucking stupid.

They start up the game, pick their characters, and then are sucked into the game.  Wait, really?  So all that stuff about the animals from the game fucking around in the real world?  That’s just, what, gone now?  Once they end up in the game’s reality, we see them all as different characters.  The really germophobic nerd is in The Rock’s body.  So, is this film ripping off Heavy Metal now?  That’s a weird choice.  Does that mean he’s going to bone some naked babes?  I bet that would make this film more interesting.  The black guy is in Kevin Hart’s body.  Oh boy, I can’t wait to see what unfunny comedy comes out of him.  The nerdy girl is a hot girl’s body now.  Okay.  But the thing which made me grown the loudest was seeing the hot girl now in Jack Black’s body.  Did this film really rip of The Hot Chick?!  You know, that film where Rob Schneider is put in the body of a hot girl?!  That film which fucking sucked?!  Unbelievable.  The premise just gets stupider and stupider.

Does anyone remember the way Robin Williams described the jungle world in the original film?  It sounded like a terrifying place, didn’t it?  A world where every day is a constant fear of if you will be eaten.  Where it’s full of darkness and nightmarish monsters that you can’t begin to comprehend.  And even the humans are killers who hunt other human beings.  That description really fucked with me as a kid.  But I guess in this film it’s a bright and colorful place, full of mirth and laughter and hilarious hijinks!  The montage that follows seems to suggest as much.

I’m just gonna cut to the quick on this, because talking about this trailer is pissing me off – this movie looks fucking retarded.  It’s not being faithful to the original.  It’s desperately trying to cash in on the hipster millennial crowd while also trying to be a family film.  Though, I guess these idiots are now old enough to have children, so maybe that works.  It’s ripping off other movies, and in the process looks even more pathetic.  Especially when the films it is ripping off starred the cinematic abortion known as Rob Schneider!  Fuck this movie right up its asshole!  Yet-another reboot that we can add to the pile of reboots that just fucking suck.  And, thankfully, the consensus on this seems to be pretty solid, so I hope this film bombs to the point that Sony can finally get the picture about how badly they need to get out of the movie industry.

Initial Verdict
3 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick