RAB: Blood C and Evil Fictional Corporations

Not long ago, I got done watching an anime on YouTube that FUNimation put out.  It is a kind of unofficial sequel to that well-animated but plot-dull film Blood: The Last Vampire.  It was beautiful to look at, but boring as can be.  They made a series that is a kind of extension of it call Blood C.  A 12-episode event that is kind boring.  But I was bored and tired and lacking in things to do.  So I watched it.  To be honest, the series is actually rather aimless up until the very last episode.  There is an INSANE bit of exposition-dumping that happens when the evil villain is explaining his evil plot to the heroine who is very much powerless to stop him.  I’ll give the guy credit, he didn’t just monologue when he figures the hero can’t stop him.  He made sure that she would not be able to get into his way.  And to his credit as well, he succeeds.

No joke, the series goes out with him shooting her in the face and flying away on a helicopter.  But before that, there is a scene that should go down in anime history for being one the most pointlessly-violence sequences ever.  It’s kind of hard to look away.  It’s both insanely grotesque and absolutely nuts.  For no reason.  See, it all boiled down to something.  I guess this is a spoiler, so if the series actually means something to you, go watch it.  I doubt most of you know what it is, but still.

The villain had an entire secluded island used to stage a kind of Truman Show for the girl whose power he was trying to siphon off while he worked on a method to control the monsters that she was fighting. All of the people on the island were actors that he was paying.  The girl’s family, her classmates, and he was even taking on the role of her brother in order to feed her a material that would give her enough power to be able to fight the monsters.  All of this was done in order to perfect his plan to make a method of creating monsters that he can control and even turn his own people into.  It worked.  His method was completed.  Now the question was – what to do about the people on the island?  They knew why they were there, and more than a few were a legitimate threat to this guy if the truth ever got enough.  So, a secluded island, and he has monsters that are virtually-unstoppable that he can control.  What to do?  What do you think he did?

First, he unleashes monsters to clean house with the students at the school that the girl who was his mark attended.  Then he rounds up all the people that are a threat to him.  Instead of giving them all a huge paycheck, he has his monsters rip them to pieces and eat them too.  Finally, since the girl herself is now a threat, he unleashes a monsters that, even if it doesn’t kill her, will stall her long enough for him to get clear.  Which just leaves the rest of town.  In the most gruesome scene that I’ve seen in a long town, the monsters go to work killing and eating people.  But that isn’t really the thing that gets my attention.  This falls into a larger issue that I have.

During this, the evil villain and the one actor that he kept alive, along with their security force, are driving out through the carnage.  They even turn the wipers on when blood and guts start collecting on the windshields of their cars.  Which leads me to thinking about something – why is it that in all fictional evil corporations, there doesn’t seem to be anyone with even a shred of empathy?  I mean, look at what happened with Umbrella in Resident Evil.  They create a zombie virus that can infect and destroy people, test it on real people, mutate countless people into monsters, and not one person was like, “so…should we maybe not do this?”  It was the same thing in Blood C.  They are just driving through carnage where you have scenes like one of the monsters chopping a person up by turning their hand into a giant butcher knife.  He’s cutting a person up like they’re a carrot, and nobody says a word.

Where do evil corporations get people who are that loyal?  It always takes me out of the moment when I see some evil genius who has a TON of people just working for them, not one of whom ever seems to second-guess the morality of what they’re doing.  I would have loved to have seen in some of the other cars in that evil guy’s motorcade driving through psycho genocide being like, “Bob, I’m just putting this out there, but this is kind of fucked up.  Just sayin’.”  My immersion always breaks when I get to see these instances.  Hell, at least with Syndrome in The Incredibles, it’s understood that a lot of what they do is contracting work making weapons for people.  At least they can claim that their work serves a purpose.  But with a company that just brutally massacres everyone, how does not one person question it?  I mean, you’d think it would get around the office that the boss is a psychopath who will butcher an entire island full of people to keep their secrets.

I don’t know.  Let me know you all’s thoughts in the Comments.

Until next time, a quote,

“Being a henchman is like getting a terminal illness.  All you can do is figure out your best option.” – Michael Swain

Peace out,

Maverick

Let’s Respond to Christians (of BuzzFeed) Defending Themselves

I’ve done a lot of responses to BuzzFeed Yellow videos.  The bulk of which are questions that one ethnic group has for stereotypical white people.  Because I guess stereotypes are fine, so long as it’s against a class of people that they don’t like.  Funny how that works.  I even did a response to an older BuzzFeed video where they tried to tackle Islam and their stereotypes against us whiteys.  Well, now it seems that Christians want to take their crack at it.  So let’s tackle this.  Here’s a link to their video, now let’s get down to it.  I get the feeling that they are going to  be fighting against Strawman Atheist in this video.

I’m Christian, but I’m not homophobic

Good for you.  Your holy book is.

I’m Christian and I’m definitely not perfect.

Don’t Christians believe that they are born with sin that the have to eternally pray for?

I’m Christian, but I’m not close-minded.

Your holy book is.  Just look at their opinions about shellfish and rape.

But I’m not unaccepting

Okay

But I’m not uneducated.

You believe that the world was created by a divine being who reigns over us all.  Either you are deliberately ignorant or you are closing off part of your faculties in order to preserve that belief structure.  Which is it?

But I’m not judgmental.

Everyone is judgmental.  Everyone.  That is the ultimate lie.

But I’m not conservative.

So, the parts of the Bible that say that women are to keep silent and gay men are to be stoned to death?  Do you just close your eyes and pretend that those don’t exist?  I honestly am more annoyed by liberal Christians than conservatives.  At least the conservatives are honest about their premise.

But I’m not ignorant.

You believe that a magical man in the sky created the universe.  Yes you are.

But I don’t place myself on a pedestal.

You’re in a BuzzFeed video.  Yes you do.

I’m a Christian, but I don’t have all the answers.

Glad to hear that.  Shows real humility.

But I am accepting.

Cool

But I am queer

Fantastic.  Your God hates you.  And his kid said that that didn’t go away with his appearance.  He outright says that he did not come to abolish the Old Testament laws, but to fulfill them.

But I am gay.

See previous response.  Your God hates you.

But I am a feminist.

So, those parts that say that a woman is less than a man and that women should have no power over men and that women should stay silent in church?  Or the part that says that a man who rapes a girl should have to pay the father some silver shekels and marry her?  You just pretend that doesn’t exist?

But I’m a feminist.

Same deal.

Definitely am a feminist.

The logical hoops you must jump through for that are impressive.

But I do believe in science.  In fact, I think science makes God look really cool.

Oh yeah.  Like that part where he creates a person by pushing some dirt together and breathing into that.  Something that scientifically impossible.  Yup, that totally makes God look cool.  Or the part where God floods the entire world, which is impossible due to the fact that there is no amount of water that exists that could do such a thing.  Or that the rain would have to fall in such a way that it would be like smashing something over and over again with sheetrock for weeks.  Yeah, those biblical stories sure do make science and God seem compatible.

I’m not afraid to talk about sex.

Cool.  Same here.

I love Beyonce.

Who cares?

But I love wine!

Jesus turned his blood into it.  You’re cannibalizing him with each glass.

But I do believe in monogamy before sex.

You’re a Christian.  That’s not very shocking.

But I do go to church on Sunday.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I do listen to Christian music.  Christian rock, Christian rap, T-Mac (did I get that right?), all the cool kids.

You have shit taste in music.  Congrats.

I have friends from all walks of life and all religions.  And I love them all.

This isn’t a shock.  It’s like you think us atheists just assume that you all are part of conservatives enclaves.  We know that there are Christians of all stripes.

What I guess I want people to know about Christianity is that we’re kinda not all crazy.

Never said you were.  Just that your beliefs are really stupid.  How is this so complicated?

You shouldn’t be judged by just the people that you see in the media or just the people that you’ve met in your everyday life.

We all make judgments about people based on the people we meet in everyday life.  Hell, BuzzFeed’s existence is predicated on stereotypes.  Of white people.  And men.  And white men.  I judge people individually.  Do you?

A lot of people think that Christianity ruins people.

Citation, please.

But to me, I think that it’s people ruining Christianity.

Your book is bigoted and hateful.  I don’t get how this is so hard for you to understand.  It isn’t people twisting it.  It’s people believing in it.  I hate this mentality that because Jeebus came, it’s all about love and shit.  Jesus once said that he did not come as a shield, but as a sword, and told people that if they don’t love him more than their own family, they aren’t with him.  How can you just shrug that off?

You never really see the good that happens.  You only see the hypocrites.

I know, right?  I’m looking at one now.

But at it’s core, it really is about love and acceptance, and being a good neighbor.

Which passage and verse should I destroy this with?  I know – Genesis 6:7: “And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.”

Just because we have a faith that has a bunch of terrible people in it doesn’t make us terrible.

Agreed.  But you have a holy book that is full of terrible teachings.  How do you get around that?

And that’s this boredom.  That was the saddest defense of Christianity that I’ve seen in a while.

Until next time, a quote,

“I challenge you to find one good or noble thing that cannot be accomplished without religion.  It is impossible.  You cannot do it.” – Christopher Hitchens

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: A Twilight Reboot

I’m finding it hard to find things to write about.  My life is not in a great place right now.  Got this job, and it’s pretty cool.  At least it pays well.  But it’s a job where I get to be yelled at by people who hate my guts purely by association of who I work for.  Because anyone who calls me is either getting their money taken or late getting their money from us and is pissed about that.  It’s a job where I get to be told what a dick I am because I can’t help the person in the way that they want.  It’s exhausting.

So not much even gets my attention anymore.  It’s a depressing life I lead.  But adulthood is a miserable hunk of shit until you die.  Gotta wait for that last part.  However, there was one thing that got my attention recently – news about a suspected Twilight reboot.  Now it seems that there is some growing evidence that it’s happening.  This should make me rage, but it doesn’t.  Instead, it makes me groan.

Hollywood needs to just admit that they’re out of ideas.  No, really, we need to just admit it.  All the endless remakes and reboots, I am getting so bored of movies.  Then there is the endless parade of superhero movies, more and more of which are blending into the background.  Now Disney is going to have their chance to drive Star Wars into the ground.  And they will, because that company will try and squeeze money out of a corpse if it’s there.  That company is evil with a capital E.  But it’s getting boring to see ads for movies anymore, because I honestly feel like I’m wasting my time going to see them.

What’s more, it’s just insulting how they want to remake or reboot certain movies.  Like how it is confirmed that The Crow reboot is in production.  Brandon Lee gave his life for that movie.  Now we get some stupid-ass reboot that will most-assuredly suck.  Why?  Or they are rebooting Jumanji.  A movie that had laughable CG, but did have some pretty good practical effects to balance it out.  Not to mention Robin Williams during his best years.  Why do this?  Oh, right, because this is Hollywood.  And Disney aren’t the only ones trying to squeeze money out of a corpse.  They want to squeeze money out of Brandon Lee and Robin Williams’ corpses too.

The worst part about the fact that all of the major productions are just this remake and reboot crap is the fact that ideas that could actually be interesting are being spurned.  Because Hollywood is too pussy to take some of the money they invest in the latest shit-tastic reboot and maybe spread it around to smaller projects.  It’s taking directors who are willing to go to insane extremes to make good movies anymore.  Or, in the case of Deadpool, willing to take pay cuts and have slashed budgets and be released in a shitty time of year.  Twentieth Century Fox made the disdain for the film they were making no secret.  They were so sure that it was dead on arrival that they did everything they could to prove themselves right.  But it wasn’t.  You’d think that would be a clue.  That audiences are tired of the same recycled shit, over and over again.  That was my problem with the new Star Wars movie.  I’ve seen it before!  Only last time, it was done much better.  And it didn’t have a villain who was the gayest villain I have EVER seen.  No joke, with his Dumbo ears and his temper tantrums, I was beyond unimpressed.  That movie couldn’t have disappointed me more if it tried.  Not even going to see the next one of that series in theaters. Will see Rogue One, but that’s just because the director of that film has perspective and likes to make movies that are focused on characters.

I hate movies these days.  They’re boring, predictable, and it honestly is tiring trying to figure out if I am going to see the latest comic book whatever or if some whatever reboot is worth my time.  Fuck all this.  Which brings me back, finally, to Twilight.

Whose brilliant idea was it to reboot that?  It’s not even nostalgic!  It never will be!  It’s fucking garbage!  The ONLY reason those films were popular was that they were cashing in on the teenage girls and creepy moms who liked it.  But they’ve moved on now.  They moved on to books like “Fifty Shades of Grey.”  But they moved on from that too.  Heard they are making a sequel to that boring-as-fuck movie.  Their money to lose, I guess.  Now they have moved on to whatever gets the vaginas of middle-aged women greasy these days.  So this reboot won’t make any money.  But don’t tell the Hollywood executives that.  If we have learned nothing else, it’s that these people can’t read what people want to save their lives.  They never have, and they never will.

How much money are they going to throw at this shit that could have gone to something better?

Until next time, a quote,

“Hollywood wishes they could be this cool.” – Rebecca “Revy” Lee, Black Lagoon

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare Story Trailer

I’m in this weird place where I am seeing more and more of the new Resident Evil game and I want to play it less.  It just looks like a clone of Silent Hills.  I don’t want a game that just riffs on a title that was cancelled by a dick-cheese company.  So many games are being made and everyone is just screaming about how it is going to be just like that other game that they wanted.  Forgive me, but that just doesn’t interest me.  The new RE looks like a bad horror film about some evil family trying to kill you.  I’ve seen that game before.  I’ve played that game before.  It looks less and less interesting to me as time goes on.

Then we get to the new Call of Duty.  I have ragged on this latest game eight ways til Sunday.  Call of Duty in space.  The very idea sounds as laughable as it gets.  And even now, it still kind of is.  But then there is this other part of me.  The part that learns more and more about the premise and finds it a touch bit intriguing.  Were it only in better hands.  Let’s look at the trailer.  Then we can hash this out.

Alright, so what do we have?  We have a plot that has pretty much been ripped straight out of Gundam.  There’s a colonial area away from Earth.  They are tired of living under Earth’s thumb.  There’s a demagogue who takes control of their forces and is now directing a war against the Earth.  After some horrible attack, Earth’s back is against the wall, and now their only hope is with a single ship and the brave crew of it.  It’s about as original as my roast beef sandwich that I had for lunch yesterday.  And yet, I still find this intriguing.

I guess that my point of this post isn’t to talk about this game.  Because the reality is that Activision and Infinity Ward can’t do this concept justice.  Why?  Because the original Gundam series wasn’t just about Earth vs. The Colonies.  There was a lot more nuance than that.  And the same is true here.  I refuse to believe that the war between Earth and Mars has all the nuance of Kit Harrington being evil.  Why is Mars so eager to attack Earth?  What drove them to this point?  I genuinely want to know the answer to that question.  But I get the feeling that I’ll never learn it in this game.  Instead, Kit Harrington’s likeness is going to be wasted for a one-off villain who has all the believe-ability of a villain twirling their novelty mustache.

What I really want to talk about here is how I want this concept to be done by some other company.  Some better company, who can actually make this work.  Because I REFUSE to believe that something this big can be limited to just one game.  It’s a war between Earth and Mars.  This is at least two games.  A concept like this could be an awesome trilogy.  A badass space opera where we get to see both sides.  I honestly would love it if we got to play as people on both sides, and see that there are problems on all fronts.  Not gonna happen with CoD.  Their entire lens is basically “America: FUCK YEAH!”

Nothing bugs me more than when I can see an idea that could be amazing, with the understanding that it will be shit.  It’s like, why go through all that effort if you’re just going to make something sub-standard?  Seems so stupid.  To me, anyway.  But this game does have my attention.  I will see what the reviews say, and we’ll see what happens next.

Initial Verdict
6 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

Let’s Respond to 33 “Fat Phobic” Comments

A YouTube channel called Wear Your Voice Magazine (a publication that I’m sure will take it’s place right alongside The Mary Sue) decided to post a video where they address 33 “fat phobic” comments.  I hate this term.  It’s just as stupid as “Islamophobic.”  That’s not a real thing.  I’m not afraid of Islam.  I find it repulsive.  I’m not afraid of fat people.  The chub on my belly would be a little weird about that.  I just don’t find obese women attractive.  The girl that I’m kinda-sorta in a thing with now has more than a few extra pounds on her.  She is very critical of it, but it is motivating her to work out and get healthy, because she wants to be fit.  I applaud her.  Still, I think she’s dead sexy as she is now, extra weight and all.  It isn’t a phobia.  I just don’t want to be with them, sexually.  Anyone who has watched BuzzFeed’s questions videos will be familiar with how this works.  Here’s a link to their video, now let’s talk about it.

Do you think you keep weight on to intentionally avoid intimacy?

The lead-in with this line is that I guess it was this girl’s shrink who said this.  While that is a really weird question, it is legit.  So many of the SJW landwhales are so scared of sex that I honestly think that they do keep the weight on to not be attractive to the opposite sex.  Or their own, if that’s what they’re into.

Even your voice sounds fat.

There are rude people in the world.  Something that gay people and any other group of people have figured out is that you have to be pretty thick-skinned to get through life.  The thing is, you women (oh, I’m sorry, womyn.  Because if they are associated with men, then that’s just evil) get to have all sorts of shoulders to cry on.  Meanwhile, the short, chubby balding dude has to suck it up and deal with it.  Funny how that works.

Wow, you really work out?

The problem with these comments that these women supposedly have gotten is that because there is absolute-zero context given, I have no idea where this remark came from.  Let’s assume that all of these comments are real, because it makes this easier, moving forward.  Was this from a friend?  Maybe they were actually glad that you are.  I don’t know.  But you seem the type who wants to assume the worst.  So yeah.

If you were skinnier, you could TOTALLY be a plus-sized model

What’s the problem there?  They are saying that you are attractive.

Wow, you can’t choose to be black, but you can choose to be fat.

Not with everyone.  Some people have gland problems and things like that.  But those people are rare.  The simple reality is that the reason that the bulk of America is fat is because of a problem that Doug Stanhope so eloquently pointed out – they need to plug up the top hole because they’re eating too much.  I’m actually so much better about eating too much.  I am so regimented in my dining habits.  But I still like crappy food.  Pizza is my jam.  I love to cook, and guess what my favorite thing to cook is – desserts.  I make these choices.  So do most of you.

You should try the Zone Diet

What’s that?

People like you aren’t supposed to wear bold colors that call attention to your body.

If you want to look slimmer, yeah.  Dark colors are slimming.  There’s real science behind it.  Some kind of trick in the eyes.  The people telling you there are right.  This person is rude, but they aren’t wrong that wearing brighter colors does make you look fatter.

You don’t have the body type for a dancer.

Shows what that person knows.  There’s this S&M club that I frequent where one of the women who I enjoyed talking to the most is a stripper who is all about being a plus-sized dancer.  Given how much she takes home each night, there’s clearly a market for that.

Everyone wants to be skinny because there are NO benefits to being THAT FAT.

Yeah.  Being fat is a horrible thing.  It is murder on your body.  You are doing so much harm to your body by being fat.  Your risk of heart disease, diabetes, and other conditions skyrockets.  Both of the first two run in my family.  As does obesity.  On both sides.  Another reason why I like to go out for walks every night after work.  It helps me burn off the sedentary calories from my desk job and helps me avoid something that is a real risk.

I wonder what you would look like thin.

It is an interesting thought.

I’m just worried about your health.

As they should be.  Obesity is a horrible thing and it does horrible things to you.  If this person cares enough about you to want to help you live a better life, what’s the problem?  They are worried about you.

Is your partner fat too?

Shows what they know.  Remember that woman I mentioned earlier from the S&M club?  Her guy is the skinniest little dork you’ve ever seen.  He is her bitch, in more ways than one.

I really love what we got going on, but I’m just not into…big girls.

I see what happened here.  You are into somebody, and they are pretty tight with you.  You tried to go the distance with them, but they aren’t attracted to you.  Well, sorry, buttercup, but life isn’t fair.  Sometimes things don’t work out the way you wanted.  Sometimes you are just a friend to someone.  Deal with it.

You’re so brave to dress like that.  I wish I didn’t care what I look like.

Without any context, this could mean anything. She could have gone out dressed in a clown suit, for all I know.  And this makes me think back to that bit on Family Guy about how women don’t know how to be friends.

Having curves is not the same thing as being fat.

It’s true.

It’s hard to believe that someone like you exercises.  I bet you can’t even run one mile.

Yeah, this person’s a dick.  Life is full of dicks.  Interspersed among the comments that are clearly taken out of context or not as bad there are genuinely rude things.  As I said, mean people exist.  That’s life.

There’s no point in losing weight. You’ve already ruined your body.

That’s blatantly not true.  Entering a healthy lifestyle can always do good things.  Granted, the longer you maintain a lifestyle where you treat your body like the frat in Animal House, the harder it will be.  But if you were to start exercising and truly do find a healthy habit to do, then I guarantee that you would be better off than living the way you are.  The person who said this is retarded.

You’re gonna wear Spanx (is that right?) with that, right?

Don’t even know what that is.

I don’t understand.  How can your blood pressure and cholesterol be way lower than mine?

It’s a valid question.  Got a family member who I don’t get how her cholesterol is so low.  The thing is, cholesterol isn’t just affected by eating, but also by what you eat.  If you gorge on certain foods to absurd excess, you are still can be fat, but it can be not nearly as bad for you.

Are you sure you wanna wear a bikini?

Also a valid question.  There are some women that I imagine in a bikini and I’m legitimately freaked out by.

You get cat-called?

Part of me thinks that they trolled the YouTube comments sections for some of these.

Some people are fit and they prioritize their health.  But some people don’t, and you aren’t, and that’s okay.

I don’t even get where the problem here is.  This person has told you that they accept how you live your life, but imply that they don’t respect it.  I would be much the same.  I have obese family members.  I still care for them, but I don’t respect how they live.  If this sort of statement bugs you this much, then clearly you are covering for some DEEP insecurities.

Do you even know what vegetables are?

Jerks exist.

Are you pregnant?

Suddenly thinking about the line in that movie with Hugh Grant.  What was it?  Two Weeks Notice, I think.  Yeah, it’s rude to assume.  That’s on them.

You know, if you were stranded for six months, you would survive because you have enough fat to feed on.

Assuming that you had access to water, shelter and some basic nutritional items to keep you from falling apart (like nuts and berries), yeah.  You are much more likely to survive if you have fat stores.  That’s why fat exists.  We are supposed to burn it as fuel.

I would kill myself if I got fat.  I mean, no offense, I don’t think you should, but it would ruin my life.

Hate to break it to ya, honey, but it is ruining your life.  Being obese is destroying your body.  That’s a biological fact.

Thunder thighs!

Jerks exist.

If you lost a bit more weight, you’d be hot.

Might be true.  Try it and find out.

Put some clothes on, you busted-open can of biscuits.

Jerks exist.  Not apologizing for them.  That is rude.

Would he love you more if you lost weight?

Probably not.  Clearly he cares about you for who you are.  Hence why he’s with you.

I would date you if you weren’t fat.  You’re a very pretty girl.

All the tact of a freight train, but yeah.  Being fat means that less people are attracted to you.  Complain all you will, but I guarantee that you don’t want every man or woman that you see.

You’re the model?

Zero context.  How did this line come up?  Were they wanting some super-skinny woman for a modeling shoot and they sent you?  Did you show up for a shoot expecting them to want you?  Without some kind of context, I can’t respond to this in a reasonable way.

If you want to be successful in your career, you have to lose weight.

Hard truth moment – yeah.  It is infinitely easier to get ahead, especially in the corporate world, if you’re pretty to look at.  Life is a beauty pageant.  An unfair, unrelenting beauty pageant.  Those who look good are clearly at a better place than those who do not.  I work for the state, so I got lucky.  I’m in a profession that is pretty chill.  However, in the dog-eat-dog world that is corporate America, being attractive is a boon.  Sorry if the truth hurts.  Not really.  It’s time somebody told you.

And that is the end of that list.  Were some of those comments rude?  Absolutely.  No question.  I don’t apologize for rude people.  But they exist, and you have to deal with that.  Make peace with it as best you can.  Otherwise, you are in for one rude awakening after another.

Until next time, a quote,

“Life isn’t fair.  It never will be.  Quit trying to make it fair.  You don’t need it to be fair.  Go make life unfair to your advantages.” – Robert Kiyosaki

Peace out,

Maverick

Musical Insanity: Singapore, Reach Out To Your Children

I’ve talked about some weird-ass Christian music before.  Like “Gimme that Christian Side Hug” or “Jesus Christ is my Nigga.”  And while both of those things are hilariously bad, neither of them are truly cringe-worthy.  They are god-awful and probably shouldn’t exist, but they don’t truly suck the life out of you when you realize that this is something that you have to exist in the same world with.  If anything, they make Christianity’s lame attempts to be cool that much more amusing. But then you get this shit.  The people behind the hilarious videos that The Bible Reloaded make fun of (and all of them are my favorite thing ever) decided to make a music album for the express purpose of telling the Singapore government why they need Jesus.  Yes, it is just as bad as it sounds.  I should not expose you to this, but to be perfectly honest, it’s too fascinating not to watch.  Just so you know, this song is only the first track on this video.  If you want to listen to the rest of the cringe, go ahead.  As for me, I can settle with this.

This makes me think of that song that Peter and Lois sang in Family Guy when they were stoned.  Not even kidding, this is so fitting.  Where did this song come from?  I guess these two went to Singapore and wanted to sing this song for the country.  The decisions made that brought this album to life just blows my freaking mind.

Let’s not get into how bad their singing is.  Let’s not get into how they can’t harmonize for shit.  Hell, let’s not even talk about how that man has the biggest pedo beard in the world.  Instead, let’s talk about how god-awful the lyrics are.  Take a shot every time they say “Singapore.”  You’ll be dead!  You’ll be freaking dead.  This entire album is just them repeating the line “Singapore” over and over again for over three minutes.  And if it isn’t them repeating that, they repeat the other lyrics.  This song is listening to the exact same words, over and over again, with a TERRIBLE melody that sounds like the guitar music that that hippie was singing to in Animal House.  We all remember how that turned out.  How I wish I could do that here.

There are no words for how weird and sad this is.  The fact that this album was used to try and sell Jesus to the Singapore government is just the icing on the cake.  I love it.  This is whack. It’s cringe.  I’m baffled.  Hope you didn’t gouge your ears out in pain.  If so, my apologies.  This one is on me.

Until next time, a quote,

“I never set out to be weird. It was always other people who called me weird.”  – Frank Zappa

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Review: Batman: The Killing Joke

batman-the-killing-jokeOne of the biggest comics of all time has finally been made into a movie.  I’m honestly surprised it took this long.  It’s probably the most well-known of Alan Moore’s comics, and for good reason.  The visuals, the incredibly dark story, and the cryptic ending that a lot of people have had some very interesting discussions about.  It’s all very cool, and while I’m not a comic book person, even I have to respect the classics such as that.  This film was created in the vein of the best of that.  At least, when it was telling the story of the comic.  When it wasn’t, this movie has one of the most surreal subplots that goes from 0-60 in a nanosecond.  It was seriously so jarring that I was given whiplash.  I don’t get how this movie was able to do this.  They could have easily followed the plot of the comic and it would have been a short but sweet film.  Most of my review, in fact, is going to focus on that subplot, because it is such a problem.  But let’s get down to the nit and grit first.

I won’t give a plot summary.  If you know anything about Batman comics, you already know what it is.  Joker is getting his dander up about fucking with Batman’s day, by putting a bullet into Barbara Gordon’s back and terrorizing her father.  That should have been all of the plot, but nope!  Still not where I want to be to talk about the biggest flaw in this movie, so let’s get some other stuff out of the way.

The animation of this movie isn’t superb, which is a little strange.  I may not always like the movies from WB Animation, but I have always seen their animation as spot-on.  It’s really something.  Especially the action sequences.  For the flaws of the films from this studio, the slick action has always been something that I have enjoyed.  And to this movie’s credit, when it wants to shine, it does.  But it’s just so ho-hum the rest of the time.  It’s kind of like a typical episode of Batman: The Animated Series.  My biggest problem with this episode takes pretty much the runtime of an average episode of that series, so maybe it fits.

When it comes to the acting, we got some of the best.  We got Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill reprising their iconic roles, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  The girl who played Batgirl is also pretty good.  I think they even got the butler from The Animated Series too..  That was a nice touch.

But now we get to the part that I want to talk about.  This isn’t really one movie.  It’s a movie and an episode of The Animated Series.  The first 28 minutes of this film is literally some other movie.  It has absolutely ZERO connection to the events that follow it.  None.  It tells the story of a case surrounding a man who has a creepy obsession with Batgirl.  This plot has zero relevance to what happens later.  Absolute zero.  You could cut it out of the film and it wouldn’t hurt a thing.  I am just trying to understand why it is in here.  For real, why?  I’m about to spoil this subplot, but since it does absolutely zip to affect the rest of the film, that doesn’t do any damage.

What’s more, it’s a strange as fuck subplot too.  You have this guy who is obsessed with Batgirl.  Okay.  You have Batgirl and Batman investigating, and there being some tension between the two.  Okay.  Then you find out from Barbara talking to her gay friend that she is into some guy who is an authority figure in her life.  Gee, I wonder who that is.  Okay.  This is the kind of stuff that really should have been spaced out more.  You have what would be two or three episodes worth of personal exploration in the series that this animation is riffing on condensed into 15 minutes of plot.  The pacing of this little “episode” is just nuts!  There is something about how Batgirl won’t know what it is to be in her position unless she goes to the edge.  Alright.  Then sex!  Wait, what?  As I said, 0-60 in a nanosecond.

The choices done in making this part of the film just baffles me.  Why do this?  The plot of “The Killing Joke” is all you need.  For real, that’s it.  All you’d have to do is have that plot.  The movie would be half an hour shorter, sure, but whatever.  Why add this on when it literally goes nowhere and once it’s done you are basically told to forget about it.  Hell, the movie even tells you to forget about it.  With some stupid narration that opens and closes the “episode,” you as an audience member are told to forget about it.  It is impossible for me to fathom why this choice was made.  It brings the pace of this movie to a grinding halt and leaves you feeling like your time was wasted because the film even tells you that it was meaningless.  I don’t get this.  It’s pissing me off.  Part of me wishes that there was some whole other movie made to explain this, because you are basically force-fed through exposition that Barbara is into Batman.  Where did this come from?

This has NOTHING to do with the whole “bat-sex” thing that so many critics like Angry Joe got on.  I don’t care about that.  If B-man and B-girl want to get their freak on, that’s fine.  But I need to care about it.  I need to care about why this is happening.  But I don’t.  It’s packed into another movie that has NOTHING to do with this plot.  That’s my problem here.

All in all, this isn’t a bad movie.  For real, when we get to the part that is the namesake of this movie, it’s actually pretty good.  However, to get there, we have to wade through a subplot that is like a drive-by episode of The Animated Series.  After a year of bad DC films, I was really hoping that this would be the one to make it all better.  But nope.  It was just another so-so movie to add to the pile.  And all thanks to that retarded subplot.  What a shame.

Final Verdict
6 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick