SIONR: Who Cares About the Same-Sex Couple in Finding Dory?

Not me.  That’s the short version.  For those of you who want the TL;DR version, there it is.  I don’t care.  Not one fucking bit.  For those who want to follow me through a nerd rant, I will elaborate.  You know what the first, last, and only major concern for me is with a movie – is it good or not?  That’s it.  That’s the biggest thing that I care about.  As it should be.  But I guess that that’s not enough for the social justice community who has to get their panties in a bunch every fucking time a new things comes out.  They want something more.

For those who live under a rock or something and got to miss the #GiveElsaAGirlfriend or #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend retardedness, the social justice crowd is trying to put their lazy-ass clicktivism to work and get Disney and Marvel to change things in their movies by virtue of them wanting it.  Then you look at the mass attempts to make the new Ghostbusters trailers look like anything other than crap.  A line that, by the way, even they don’t believe.  It’s so obvious in these articles that they are just praying that the film doesn’t live down to their expectations.  That line still peeks out at me – please be good.  Please just be passably good.

It seems like our lovable SJWs are doing everything they can to try and force culture to give them what they want.  Quality of the product be damned!  Just give Elsa a girlfriend!  So, when I hear the social justice crowd squeeing with their adolescent (in mind, if not in body) delight about the sequel to Finding Nemo potentially having a same-sex couple, it tells me that these people are again following the same path.

Now, here’s where I interrupt to make a point.  Do I think that Finding Dory will be bad?  Honestly, I don’t know.  Here’s the thing – Pixar has REALLY gone downhill the last few years.  Their films have been getting perpetually less creative as time goes by.  Ever since Brave, their quality keeps dropping.  When they made Cars 2, I was pretty much done with them.  They can only fail from here.  The talent has obviously left.  Not to mention, I’m getting bored of 3D animation anyway.  How I long for the days when animation was dedicated people putting pen to paper and making great works that you can feel the effort.  Not some digital creation where you know that a mathematical algorithm told them how to make glass shatter believably or snow fall and look real.  This movie could be just as good as the original.  I don’t think it will be, but hey, I’m willing to give it a chance.  I’ll Netflix it when it comes out.

But how many of the social justice zombies who are cheering have thought about this as much as me?  Probably few, if any at all.  Is it possible?  Sure.  Absolutely.  Maybe there are people who are stoked about seeing a same-sex couple in a Pixar film that actually want the movie to be good.  All of this is still beside the point.

What does it matter if there is a same-sex couple in a Pixar movie?  Why does it matter that they are in this movie?  What does any of this have to do with fucking anything?  What’s the belief here?  That if kids see a same-sex couple in a Pixar movie, it’s going to magically make them super awesome with that lifestyle?  Most young people these days already are.  There are numerous studies showing that the current generation is the most open and accepting that has ever been.  A little too much, given the attitudes of the Regressive Left, but that’s a whole other deal.

It does NOT matter if there is a same-sex couple in things.  It really doesn’t.  I grew up watching anime (back when anime was good.  Modern anime really sucks), playing video games, watching some of the best action, science fiction, horror, and fantasy movies ever made, along with a lot of Disney movies and whatever else, and I couldn’t care less what your orientation is.  Unless you’re a bigoted little shit like Milo Stewart.  But I digress.  There is nothing about these two potentially-romantic chicks in this movie that means anything.  Unless they are good characters.  But it’s humans.  How long are we going to get to know these people?  Five minutes?  If that?  This is a movie about fish.  So it’s going to stick with the fish world.  This feels like it might be pandering.  Just to virtue signal and get some social justice points.

And there’s nothing that bothers me more than when a film is looking to pander to an audience.  I can watch a movie that is in a genre that I don’t like, and still enjoy it for the quality of the work.  Hence why, even though I think the overrated factor is off the chart, I can admire the quality of Frozen.  I don’t like that movie, at all, but I acknowledge that it was well-made.  Except for that song that everyone was all over.  It was the worst one in the whole movie.  Can we please stop the pandering already and get back to making good movies.  Plenty of great works of fiction have characters from the LGBT community.  Look up The Wire if you’re ever of a mind to.

Until next time, a quote,

“Now, this is important because this kind of situation will lead to pandering.  And pandering will lead to insincerity.  And insincerity will lead to even more talent being snubbed.”  -PMRants

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Unpopular Opinion: That Kid Should have Died, not the Gorilla

I’m sure all of you have heard the story by now.  A kid was climbing on the edge of an enclosure to a gorilla exhibit at a zoo.  The kid slips, falls in, and the gorilla goes to confront the kid, with various statements about its intent.  In turn, the zookeepers then decided to shoot this animal that was just confronting an intruder in its territory.  This is a gorilla.  Part of a species that is critically endangered.  I am not even a fan of zoos, but at least this one was working to help keep a species that is heading towards extinction alive.  If we can say nothing else about this place, it’s that.  Now, this animal is dead because it was doing what a gorilla in the wild would do and attack an intruder in its territory.

Here is my unpopular opinion – that kid should have been left to get beaten to death by that gorilla, not that animal getting shot.  Here are a few reasons why.  First, where was this kid’s dumb-fuck parent?  Why weren’t they saying not to fuck around with a gorilla enclosure?  I would think that would have come up with you teach your kid how to not be an idiot.  Second, how is that gorilla in the wrong for defending its territory from an unknown intruder?  I honestly want to know.  How is it the bad guy?  What did that animal do wrong here?  How was it to know that this was the child of some vapid parent who clearly can’t parent very well?  Finally, there are seven billion people on this planet.  Way I figure it (and this is going to come off as more than a little cruel, so if that bothers you, best leave now), we could stand to let some of the dumb go flowing down the river and out of the gene pool.  Know what I mean?

This reminds me of an incident back when I was a little kid.  I mean REALLY little.  There was an Australian woman who was trying to get into a polar bear enclosure at the zoo in the city I live in.  Her idea was to get a picture.  There were two fences that were there, with the obvious intent of telling her not to get too close.  But common sense isn’t something all people are born with.  The bear, naturally, saw this woman as an intruder and grabbed the leg that was within reach and bit down.  It ripped her leg up something fierce.  Way I figure it, fuck that girl.  Neat story – six weeks later, that bear attacked another bunch of intruders.  This time, it was some dumb-fuck kids who were wasted and wanted to go swimming.  It tore one of them’s leg the fuck apart.  The zoo decided to do the smart thing and not blame and hurt the animal for these attacks.  You know who was blamed?  The fucking idiots who decided that common sense is too hard and should be ignored!

That gorilla did nothing wrong.  At all.  It is the victim because some parent can’t nut-up and do their fucking job right and watch their dumbass kid.  Way I see it, that gorilla have every right to beat the fucking kid to death!  Oh, I’m sorry.  Is my lack of sympathy not nice?  I’m just so damn tired of all these people whose stupidity is rewarded.  An innocent animal just protecting its habitat paid the ultimate price for this.  That’s disgusting.

If this were my kid, and they were so stupid as to do this, and that gorilla didn’t kill them, as soon as they are out of the hospital I’m going to beat their ass!  And they are losing all their privileges for the rest of their time in my home.  As far as I’m concerned, they get to live like a monk as penance for the death of an innocent victim to save their worthless life.  And before those who know that I eat meat call me a hypocrite, the chicken, fish, and moose that I consume aren’t endangered.  The moose is stuff that my family hunts.  Do I have an issue with factory farming?  Sure.  If I could, I’d make sure these animals lived in an open-range environment and got to enjoy some of their time before being slaughtered.  But this gorilla is part of a critically-endangered species.  That zoo was helping keep that population alive.  If I had the talents of the Jurassic Park team (I realize this is fiction, but if the concept existed), I’d be resurrecting all sorts of species that we’ve driven to extinction.  But since that doesn’t exist, we have zoos doing the best they can.

I guess this post was just a rant, but I feel like it needed to be said.  This kid should be fined.  I guess the nice thing is the fact that what has happened here will follow him the rest of his life.  His family too.  Fuck these people.  I feel no sympathy for them.  The fact that I am sure the parents are going to sue the zoo as a way to make a quick buck (because America is all about that) just adds to how much this pisses me off.

That’s my unpopular opinion of the day.

Until next time, a quote,

“Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.”  – Unknown

Peace out,

Maverick

Top 10 Gay/Lesbian/Bi Characters in Fiction

Alright, here goes.  I’ve decided that I am going to talk about my favorite LGB characters in fiction that I’ve consumed.  Here’s the part where I get to be judged by people over what kinds of characters in this genre that I like.  But you know what, I don’t care.  Some of you who have been following my website for a while might see some of these coming.  Good on you.  But there is a reason that I make sure to include bi – some of these characters are.  I’ll get into this when we get down the list, but these distinctions matter.  And you are going to notice something when I talk about these characters – the reasons that I like them have NOTHING to do with their sexuality and have everything to do with their character traits.  So suck on that, you people who will want to call me a perv.  Let’s get into what may be my most risque top ten to date.

Annabelle Tillman10. Annabelle Tillman
Loving Annabelle
Makes sense that one of my favorite films of all time would be on this list, right?  For those of you wondering why she is so low on the list, this isn’t looking at the film she’s in, but just her character.  Annabelle is a trouble-making daughter of a teenage senator, being forced to go to a Catholic school by her politician family as a way to get her out of the limelight.  At first, she appears to be a typical punk, but you quickly learn that there is more to her than meets the eye.  The girl has a very sensitive side, and bonds with people in odd ways.  Plus, when one of her friends assumes that she puts out like it’s no one’s business, the girl rebukes her.  Quite coldly.  The whole film is about her growing relationship with one of her teachers, but her character is good enough that you realize that the caricature that her peers have of her is dead wrong.

Kima Greggs9. Kima Greggs
The Wire
In a series that is all about the moral ambiguity of the people within it, Kima is one of those refreshing breaths of fresh air.  One of the detectives that is investigating Avon Barksdale’s operation, you grow to realize that she is a rookie detective who is looking to get further in the force.  She’s a by-the-books cop.  Even to the point of sometimes having to give her peers answers that they don’t like.  And when she gets things wrong, she does have moments where it eats at her.  My favorite moment with her was when she was shot in season one.  Bunk has a list of people that he was sure were the suspects, but she can’t bring herself to falsely identify anyone.  Up to the very end, she sticks by her convictions.  That’s not to say that she isn’t human, but still.  I like her dedication to her principles.  Especially on the force.

138. 13 (Remy Hadley)
House, M.D.
13 was a character who I missed when she left the show.  Granted, the series itself went on too long, but her character was just fantastic.  A talented young doctor who is eager to prove herself, she also harbors a dark secret.  One that, as always, House figures out very quickly.  Her mother died of a condition called Huntington’s.  The reality that she has a 50/50 chance of getting the condition is a constant pressure, and she is terrified of it.  The memories of her mother’s last months haunt her.  However, this drive is what makes her character so much fun to watch.  Plus, it also gives her some kinship with House, who is miserable and prone to self-destruction.  It was a shame when she left the series, but hey, the actress had better prospects.  Like that god-awful Tron sequel.  Sorry, that movie sucked.  I can’t deny it.

Ellie 27. Ellie
The Last of Us
Some of you might be wondering – what?!  Why is she so low on the list?  Well, I have learned a few things about the making of her character.  Specifically in connection to her orientation.  These things are causing me to reevaluate what I think of her. That being said, she is a fantastic kid character.  Not only is her dialogue great, but it feels like something someone that age would be like.  I won’t go into too much more detail.  I have already dissected this character in every way in a Critical Examination post.  Go look that up if you want to full details.  I do still love her character, but a little less than I once did.  Take that for what you will.

Franz d'Epinay6. Franz d’Epinay
Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo
One of the things that I love about this character is the fact that you have to pay attention to Franz to realize the truth about him.  He is Albert’s oldest and best friend.  But you see, Franz has a secret.  One that you have to pay good attention to in order to catch.  Part of the reason that he cares so much and has gone out of his way to be a good friend to Albert is because he is in love with him.  The subtlety with how they portray that is amazing.  The hardest part is – Albert never finds out.  Ever.  Because he is so loyal a friend, when Albert makes a rash decision and challenges the Count to a duel, Franz drugs him and takes his place.  The Count runs him through.  When Albert finally finds him, he dies in his arms.  Even then, at the very end, he never told Albert the truth.  Because he never wanted to burden his best friend with his feelings.  He loved in silence, and died defending that person.  Tragic, beautiful, and part of a nigh-perfect show.

Luna Lovegood5. Luna Lovegood
Harry Potter (books, not film.  The film version of her SUCKED!)
I did a post talking about the top 10 gay characters you never knew were gay, and this is an extension of that.  I was able to deduce the truth about Luna from studying her character after several re-reads of the series that I did when I was bored to tears one summer at my job at the library of my university.  I had nothing but time, so I read those books over and over again.  Go check out my other post to realize why I learned the truth about Luna.  But the reason I love her character so much is because she isn’t like the other people at Hogwarts.  The girl might dance to the beat of her own tune, but she has a very perceptive and intelligent mind that learns quickly and can be very skilled on the fly.  The films did so much damage to this character, so we’re just looking at the books.  She’s probably the most interesting character in those books, if we’re being honest.  But that’s just me.

Adele4. Adele
Blue is the Warmest Color
When I did my review of this movie, I said that it was one of the best coming-of-age stories I have ever seen.  Not only does it take a critical look at sexuality, but it also talks about relationships, loyalty, and being uncertain of yourself.  Adele’s story is a sad one.  She doesn’t know who she is or where she belongs.  She goes from having a brief time of happiness, to absolute unhappiness.  Eventually, when the life she built with her first love falls apart, she wanders through life like a lost puppy.  I get where she’s coming from.  The questions about love, life, and sexuality that she has are more ubiquitous to all orientations than you’d think.  The thing that really gets me is that there is no catharsis in her ending.  She just walks away and you never know if she finds what she’s looking for.  True to life, and depressing.  What’s not to like?

Oberyn Martell3. Oberyn Martell
Game of Thrones
It really is a shame that this guy is dead.  A total and complete shame.  Oberyn is so fucking awesome.  This guy lives his life with a general attitude that he has zero fucks to give.  He just wants to drink, fuck, rinse, lather, repeat.  At first, he seems like someone who couldn’t possibly care less about anything.  However, dark forces are driving this man.  A need for revenge that brought him to King’s Landing.  In the end, his need for revenge is the reason that he died.  When he could have just taken his victory and accepted it, he had to drag it out.  His death was caused because he couldn’t let the vengeance go.  But for the time that we get to know him, he is too much fun.  It’s a pity it was only for the bulk of one season.  RIP, Red Viper of Dorne

Life Is Strange™_201512022007132. Chloe Price
Life is Strange
For those of you wondering why Max isn’t on the list, it’s because the bulk of her character development in the game is something you control with your choices.  So yeah, that doesn’t count.  I’m looking for characters whose traits are established parts of their characters.  And Chloe has that.  She’s a punk in every sense of the word, but the thing that keeps her from driving into the realm of cliche is the fact that you realize what got her where she is.  The loss of her father did a number on her.  When you go back in time, you see how close the two of them were.  I can’t imagine when you have a parent who is your world, and they die.  That sound so awful.  Especially since she was 12 when it happened.  Going through your teenage years having that pain driving you.  It’s got to be hard.  When Max comes back into her life, the relationship starts out rocky.  But the two eventually find their bond again.  And you can have her become one of the best friends you’ve ever had.  Or a lover who (because the ending to this game is retarded on Mass Effect 3 levels) you get so little time to express that with.

My favorite gay character in fiction is one that some of you will see coming from a mile away.

Omar Little1. Omar Little
The Wire
What’s not to love about this guy?!  He’s every awesome character trait I want in a badass.  He’s a smooth-talker.  He’s a fast, skilled shot.  He robs drug dealers and is the most wanted man by the criminals in Baltimore.  When you hurt his people, he brings on the vengeance.  The man is a typical outlaw from the mentality of the wild west.  I did a Character Analysis for him, which I encourage you check out at the top of the page.  His character lives and dies by the gun.  Not just my favorite gay character, but one of my favorite characters, period.  This guy has got it all.  It’s just a shame that he goes down the way he does.

What about you?  Tell me your personal picks in the Comments.

Until next time, a quote,

“Hey yo – when you come at the king, you best not miss.”  – Omar Little, The Wire

Peace out,

Maverick

Another Top 10 Swords in Video Games

When I was playing the last big fight in Uncharted 4 (which I won’t spoil here), I was thinking about just how many cool swords there are in gaming.  I already made a list of cool swords that I love in video games (linked here), but then I realized that that wasn’t enough.  I need to make another list where I talk about even more of the awesome swords in video games, that I desperately wish I was able to have.  I hope you enjoy.

Beam Katana10. Beam Katana
No More Heroes
Perhaps it’s only fitting that such a cool weapon end up in the hands of a bumbling idiot who just so happened to get it by sheer chance.  Now, this death-dealing monster is helping him climb the ladder of killers, in his goal to get to the top.  A weapon that you use to dismember the living shit out of your enemies, the sad truth is that if most any of us had it, we would likely end up accidentally cutting an arm off or something.  Let’s all be honest and just admit that.

Lightning's Gunblade9. Lightning’s Gunblade
Final Fantasy XIII
Even though this game is not particularly good, the fact is that it does have Lightning.  I can almost forgive the game’s flaws for this character.  Well, at least until those sequels milked all of her cool factor for all it was worth.  That was unfortunate.  In any case, Lightning has a gunblade that is worthy of the term.  It goes from blade to gun form rather seamlessly.  Pity you couldn’t actually use Squall’s gunblade that way.  In any case, this shape-shifting weapon comes in all sorts of neat looks.  And if you cross this woman, you better hope that you aren’t on either end of it.

Water Sword8. Water Sword
Prince of Persia: Warrior Within
When you have a giant, nigh-unkillable monster hunting you, what do you use to attack him with?  Why, a weapon made of water, of course!  This is a secret weapon that you have to go through a lot of hoops to get.  But it’s totally worth it.  Once you finally have this sword, you put it to work against the Dhaka.  Once you finally put that beast in its place, you get to take the Empress of Time back home with you.  That leads to some…sexy time for the Prince.  After all the shit he’s been through, I’d say he’s earned it.  Wouldn’t you?

Material Blades7. Material Blade
Tales of Symphonia
This pick is a little cheating, considering that it is actually two blades.  Alas, I couldn’t pick.  Lloyd dual-wields blades, so I guess it works.  These two weapons are specially-forged by his father, Dirk.  At least one of them is.  The Vorpal Sword.  It is the first part of the weapon.  The second is Flamberge, which is the weapon his father uses.  Together, they are the ultimate weapons that Lloyd can wield, which you then use to go and kill yourself some angels.  What more could you ask for?  And I bet they would look SO cool in something other than that cutesy little cel shading.

Beam Sword6. Beam Sword
Halo
I remember the first time that this blade debuted in the Halo franchise.  People who played multiplayer called it the “noob stick.”  A weapon that can basically kill anyone in one hit.  Way I see it, if someone is close enough to use it, then you either didn’t see them coming or couldn’t kill them before they closed the distance.  You lost fair and square.  I love this weapon.  Especially against the Flood.  The worst part of all the Halo games was the Flood.  It was annoying.  Any level with it had the stuff everyone.  But this weapon could cut those infected down to size in one hit, and it barely took up any energy against them.  I hear that Chief learned how to block bullets with this weapon.  Why wasn’t that in the games?!  At least in the Campaign, anyway.

HF Blade5. HF Blade
Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
For a title as dumb as this, this game was actually loads of fun.  Part of it was getting to use this specialized blade of Raiden’s.  It has high-frequency waves that enable it to cut through almost anything.  This is especially useful when you are taking on the likes of Metal Gear Rex.  When you get to carving enemies up with this blade, you feel like a complete badass.  Katanas in video games are awesome, but I think this is one of my favorites.  It will never have the sheer elegance of the Zanmatto from Final Fantasy X, but this is a high-tech piece of badassery that makes Raiden very frightening when he goes by his old name, Jack the Ripper.

Rebellion4. Rebellion
Devil May Cry
Whether he is a wise-cracking goofball, or a punk with a heart of gold (yes, I like DmC.  Bite me), whenever Dante enters battle, you won’t find his trusty blade Rebellion far behind.  The former weapon of his demon father, Dante puts it to work carving the spawn of Hell, along with some awesome bosses to bits.  It’s a weapon that Dante can use with such efficiency that during his battle with Virgil in Devil May Cry 3, he is moving so fast that he is cutting through raindrops to the point that a bubble of rain builds around him and his brother.  One part of a huge arsenal, but a fun one.  Even if that part can occasionally get some butthurt fans when its rebooted.

Holy Moonlight Sword3. Holy Moonlight Sword
Bloodborne
You all probably saw this game coming to the list..  But it was such a hard pick!  There are so many weapons in that game that I love.  It’s such a great game.  I have recently discovered this powerful weapon.  One that has a nigh-limitless amount of power that you can give it.  Strength, Skill, and Arcane stats level this weapon up.  At full power, this thing is the weapon used by a god!  Makes sense that the first Hunter used it.  I do owe Ludwig one for giving me the use of this trusty weapon.  Thanks, buddy.  Both forms of it are fun.  There is the smaller form, for faster strikes that use less stamina.  But when you need to put the hurt on an enemy, you put some arcane energy into it.  The glowing blade will carve through anything.  You can even charge the energy up and throw it at your foes.  Yeah, this weapon is ridiculously powerful.  I love it so.

Blades of Chaos2. Blades of Chaos
God of War
These weapons are not just cool to use, but they also have a REALLY grim story attaching to them.  When Kratos is leading his army against the barbarian horde, they prove too powerful.  His men are getting cut to pieces, and Kratos is about to die.  In a last bid of desperation, he reaches out to Aries to get his help in killing his foe.  The God gives him the weapons, with chains that are seared on to his arm.  A permanent part of him.  The weapons become his tool doing the god’s work, until he ends up accidentally using them to kills his wife and child.  That is when his time serving Aries is over, and he makes a vow to kill him.  Eventually, the weapons are ripped off his arms, but Kratos gets a new version that he attaches to his gauntlets.  Still, badass weapons for the angriest, most badass swordsman in all of gaming.

And the greatest of this second list of swords in games is…

Vorpal Sword1. Vorpal Sword
American McGee’s Alice and Alice: Madness Returns
I love this weapon for all kinds of reasons.  First, there’s something so visceral about the fact that you an slice enemies up with a weapon that is basically a giant kitchen knife.  It feels more visceral.  It helps that the enemies you kill are often twisted versions of everyday stuff.  Which is the other reason I love this weapon.  In the world of American McGee’s Alice and the sequel, it turns out that Wonderland is part of Alice’s twisted psyche.  The things and people there are all twisted versions of everyday life.  Naturally, the weapon that you wield is also that.  All of the weapons in these games are, actually.  It’s especially prominent in the sequel.  The Cheshire Cat gives you this blade, so you can go to work killing the minions of the Queen of Hearts, or the evil Train.  One way or another, this blade gets tons of use.

What are your favorite swords in gaming?  If you didn’t see one you thought should be on here, check the link at the top to see if the sword is there.

Until next time, a quote,

“I’ve not come back here looking for a fight.” – Alice
“That’s a pity, because one’s certainly looking for you.”  – Cheshire Cat, Alice: Madness Returns

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: Weirdest Moments of My Life

So, I have no job right now (a fact that pisses me off more than you can believe, since I am having to survive in this apartment from my parents graces, and apparently I am doing real financial harm to these people.  A fact that hurts like you wouldn’t believe), which means that I have a shit-ton of time.  There is only so much time I can spend filling out applications and putting in resumes.  So I have a lot of time to think.  With that comes rumination on days gone by.  Then some old memories came back to me.  Like the REALLY weird moments in my life.  The ones that get under my skin and just make me think, “did that really just happen?”  So, I thought I would tell you all some of these now.

Our first story comes from when I was a Student Worker at my university library.  That was a fun job.  I got to get to know all sorts of good people, some of whom I still keep in touch with.  Well, one of which.  Bum deal.  In any case, one day we get a complaint at the desk of someone sleeping on the floor in the bathroom.  I’m a giant, so they get me whenever there are problem people that have to be dealt with.  A coworker volunteers to go with me, since he has a phone that can take good video.  Wish I had uploaded that to YouTube.  I’d share it with you all.  We get into the bathroom and there really is a guy sleeping on the floor in one of the stalls.  The stall is locked, so my coworker reaches over with the phone and records our discourse.  He was the weirdest guy!  He wasn’t like drunk or anything.  He was totally coherent as he got up and apologized, going about his day.  Neither my coworker nor myself knew what to make of it.  That day was funny.

Next up is the first night that I was at my current apartment.  I’m chilling at night, and my blinds are open.  It’s a very peaceful night and I am feeling it.  Settling into a new place.  That’s nice.  Anyway, I am looking out the window when I see a woman who literally scared the shit out of me.  She’s so weird!  She’s a black lady, which has no bearing on the weirdness.  Trust me, that’s the most normal part of this.  The thing that caught my attention was her hair!  It’s massive!  She has a fucking lion’s mane!  It’s a massive, must be heavy, (and I’m assuming) wig that is golden blonde and goes all the way down her back.  It’s so huge.  Her hair is a being unto itself.  And this lady has a look on her face like she lives in her own little world.  I see her all the time, and I am still weirded out.  Come to find out, when I’m on the People of Wal-Mart subreddit, there’s a pic of her!  I know someone who is in a viral pic.  Don’t know why, but that makes me feel kind of important.

Then there was the time that I was playing badminton with my aunt and her family.  My former uncle (they got a divorce some years ago) was fun to be around, but he was a pretentious intellectual.  And something of an asshole.  Explains why him and I got along, right?  Well, to be fair, the bulk of our interactions were trading witty barbs.  I was able to keep pace with him.  Played chess with him too.  He was a good opponent.  I thought he was a true master, until I lived with a South Korean guy at college, who repeatedly and without any difficulty kicked my ass at chess in a way so swift that it was amazing.  Anyway, my uncle was studying French.  Sometimes, he would tell us things he was learning about in French.  This night was one such night.  My aunt had apparently grown tired of his rambling.  He was telling us about the new words he had learned.  Now, I have no idea how these are spelled.  My French is beyond rusty.  It’s dead.  Here’s my shitty-ass English translation, “Oof,” “Crapo,” and “Wa.”  Now, my aunt, a pretty witty lady in her own right, decided to put this talk of random French words to rest with one phrase.

If you don’t shut up, I’m going to be the crappo out of wa.  Until you say ‘oof!’

My cousin and I were in stitches.  Random night.  Back when life was fun.

But I’ve saved the best for last.  There was a friend of mine who I had grown up with.  She was one of my first, if not my first true friend.  She was also the first girl I crushed on, but that’s a whole other story.  Anyway, we were estranged for a while.  Then we reconnected.  Now we’re estranged again.  Timing, am I right?  Anyway, during the time we reconnected, I got to know her husband.  He was the only significant other of a lady-friend who actually liked me.  I have been seen as a threat by ALL of the others.  No idea why.  But I digress.  She had a kid with this guy.  I’m sure she’s had more now.  She’s REALLY Catholic.  No idea why a girl as smart as her is, but we all have our blind spots.  In any case, I’m visiting one day, chilling on the couch, when out of nowhere she just whips out her boobs and starts milking herself into a baby bottle.  This came right the fuck out of nowhere, and neither she nor her husband seemed to think it was weird at all to do this right in front of me.  Let me make something clear – I have no problem with women breastfeeding their kids in public.  Really, that doesn’t bother me.  But the woman is milking herself like a damn cow!  This was so weird!  They even talked about it with me.  I decided not to bring up how strange this is and just roll with it.  The term “awkward” doesn’t begin to cover how I felt.

So, those are the weirdest moments in my life that come to mind immediately.  Maybe I’ll have more as I think up some.  Let me know what weird stories you’ve had in the Comments.  Maybe we can keep this going!  That would be fun.  If your story is funny enough, maybe I’ll do another post where I decide to share it.  That could turn into something, if enough people get involved.  Let’s have fun!

Until next time, a quote,

“We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over!” – Aneurin Bevan

Peace out,

Maverick

Let’s Answer 9 Questions Gay People (of BuzzFeed) Have for Straight People

When I first did the post answer the shit-ton of questions that women of BuzzFeed have for men, I realized just how many of these damn videos BuzzFeed Yellow (the most ironic thing I have ever seen) has with people who have strawman ideas about men, white people, and now straight people asking stupid questions.  It seems that they want to give the LG part of the LGBT community some shots at their strawmen/women.  Let’s get down to this.  Here’s a link to the original video, now let’s answer us some questions.

Why is my sexuality a “lifestyle?”

It isn’t.  You can blame shows like Will and Grace or Queer Eye for the Straight Guy for this stereotype.  The big irony is that it is Hollywood, a long-time ally to you, that gave you this impression.  Don’t blame the people who you are clearly trying to show as bad for this problem.

Why do you call it a lifestyle?

I don’t.  My uncle Scott was gay, and you would have never known it.  He was a very typical guy.  He shot guns, hunted and did woodland stuff out in the homestead where he grew up.  Neither is my…second cousin (I have no idea how this works.  She’s the cousin of my mother.  Someone tell me in the Comments if you know how this familial connection plays out) Deb.  She’s a booze-drinking, trash-talking, rowdy lady.  So yeah, I don’t call being gay a lifestyle.  Who are these people that you’re talking to?

Why is it that when you find out I’m gay, you think I want you?

Clearly you have never met me.  I believe that no one wants me, or ever will.  My self-loathing has twisted my perception of myself to believe that I am the most hideous fuck there is.  But even back when I thought less shitty about myself, I don’t just assume that someone wants me.  Who does that?  These strawmen straight people that you make are just so fucking bizarre.

Why are you so worried about how I’m going to have kids?

What makes you think I give a fuck?  Presume, much?

Why does it matter if I’m going to have kids or not?

It doesn’t.  I don’t fucking care.  Do what you want.  Have kids, don’t have kids.  Whatever you want to do.  I don’t care if straight people add to the overpopulation problem.  What makes you think I give two fucks about you?  Especially if I don’t know you?

Why do you feel the need to ask “who’s the man” and “who’s the woman in the relationship?”

I personally don’t.  Partially because I couldn’t possibly care less about you.  But for those who do wonder, it’s tied in to the fact that relationships typically have a more dominant person and a more submissive one.  It’s human nature.  Oh, sure, everyone says that all things in a relationship need to be divided up equally.  But that’s bullshit.  Let me give you a personal example (anecdotal evidence!) – when my ex and I were living together, it was understood that when we were home together to have dinner, I did the cooking.  My ex, lots of great qualities.  But she can’t make food to save her life.  We joked that if anyone was going to make a sandwich after sex, it would be me.  We understood the nature of that dynamic.  Every relationship has the person who is more-or-less in charge.  Look at it another way.  When someone asks you, “who’s on top?” that’s another version of the same question.  I’m sure that people don’t word it like that.  But it’s not unreasonable to wonder who is the one who takes charge in the relationship.  It’s normal.

Why do you get offended if people ask if you’re gay?

I don’t.  Part of self-loathing is that I hate pretty much everyone else just as much.  So if someone decides to assume I’m gay (I’m bi, by the way.  So this is another reason I don’t care), it doesn’t mean anything to me.  It’s just someone asking a dumb question.  People who are bothered by the question might be having some sexual identity problems.  I would think that your community would be a little bit sensitive and empathetic about that.  Just sayin’.

Why would you be offended that someone thinks you’re gay?

Already answered this.

How does it feel to be accurately represented in…everything?

Oh, every lonely, introverted character suffering from depression that is outright crippling is a good representation of me?  Wow, thanks!  I’m so glad that I have your presumptive ass to tell me that.  Groj knows, I never would have been able to figure out that that’s…bullshit.  There are plenty of characters that I don’t identify with.  And plenty I do.  Are you saying that not one of the gay characters in anything doesn’t represent your community well?  You’re saying this now?  I mean, sure, the bulk of gay characters in stuff are effeminate men and crazy-woman-power women.  But there are all kinds of different characters.  I refuse to believe that with all the range of characters of all kinds in all forms of media, there isn’t at least one who you all identify with.  But no, you’re going to get butthurt about the few characters that you see in stuff that are not to your liking.  It is BuzzFeed, after all.  The day they acknowledge nuance is a cold day in Hell.

Why is your definition of diversity a gay white man?

One of my favorite characters of all time is a gay black man who robs from drug dealers.  Omar Little, from The Wire.  You were saying?

Why is it that you have such a large dating pool, but such a large divorce rate?

Uh, hey bitch, how about – fuck you!  Fuck your smug face.  Fuck your arrogant-ass attitude believing that you have it so fucking hard.  In a world where everyone needs sunshine blown up their ass all the time, where do you think that an introvert who isn’t the great looking, with crippling depression, has such a large dating pool?  How about you take that backwards ball cap you’re wearing and shove it up what I assume to be your VERY tight ass.  Bitch.

Oh, and as for the divorce thing, you do know that divorce rates are down, right?  That’s one of the big misconceptions that people have.  The truth is that divorce rates have been gradually diminishing over the last decade or so.  The reason is because more and more people are choosing to get married later, if at all.  The nature of relationships is not what it once was.  But I can’t tell you that.  Again, nuance.

Why do you have to call it a gay wedding?

I don’t.  I call it signing a legal contract that really means nothing about your relationship and people feel the need to do out of some misguided sense of wanting to make it “official.”  Whatever the fuck that means.

Is it just so you can charge us more?

Citation, please.

If two black people were getting married, would you call it a black wedding?

Depends.  Is it in some stereotypical black church with the choir clapping and loud preacher and everyone is jumping around and being happy?  If so, maybe.

Why do you try and set us up with the very next gay person you see?

Who are these people who do this?  This strawman is just odd.  I admit that I have told a lady-friend who is gay about another lady-friend I have.  But that was just because both of them had gotten out of bad relationships and I thought it would be a good idea.  Never went anywhere.  No worries.  I just put that out there and let the chips fall where they may.

And apparently that’s it.  That was today’s batch of BuzzFeed butthurt.  Anyone who has more of these, send them my way on my Facebook or Twitter (links can be found in my About page).

Until next time, a quote,

“Blind assumption is easiest way to disguise the truth.”  – P.D. Griffith

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Mighty No. 9: Masterclass

Some of you who have been reading my site for a long time might remember that there was a time that I was just as excited as many of you were for the spiritual-successor to Mega-Man, Mighty No. 9.  It was one of the first major Kickstarter successes.  Everyone was psyched for it.  Initial trailers looked really cool and had a REALLY catchy beat with the soundtrack.  But then it all fell apart.  First it was the delays.  Then it was Dina as the PR person for the project.  Then it was the backers demanding their money back.  Then it was even more delays.  And more delays.  And even more.  And just a little more.  Finally, a date has been set in stone…potentially.  What were all these delays building towards?  What was it all building up to?  Let’s take a look.

Um….

Where did this asinine trailer come from?!  Why is this narrated?!  Whose idea was this?!  After all the PR nightmare that this game has been through, it now has to basically go out of its way to look like shit?  This game looks terrible!  This looks like something I would have seen on the PS2!  I’ve seen better visual design on 8-bit games I’ve played on Steam.  Where did this come from?  How could the development team have been cool with it?  Coming back from all the stupid bullshit that this development hell has been through, this trailer was supposed to be this game’s best foot forward.  But it wasn’t.  Let’s talk about this.

So, apparently we are supposed to be looking at an awesome piece of awesomeness that is awesome.  The trailer says so, so it must be true.  Right?  You know what would have helped us believe that this game is awesome?  How about some gameplay?!  How about we cut out that stupid-ass narrator who feels the need to tell us what we’re supposed to think and just let us experience it for ourselves?  There’s an idea.  This is just as annoying as those trailers that have game news sites articles quoted in them before the actual game comes out.  Yeah, like Kotaku is an opinion we can trust.  This narrator is the most annoying thing under the sun.  I want to find this guy and feed him his ballsack.  Every second of listening to this guy’s incessant talking is painful.  Who is this game being marketed at?  Little kids?  Is that who asked for this game?  These ads remind me of what I saw on Fox Kids when I was growing up.  There’s some nostalgia for ya.  Except not in the good way!  This is the most annoying thing I’ve ever seen!

But, by far, the worst part is this stupid-ass joke that the trailer makes.  “can make bad guys cry like an anime fan on prom night.”  I guess asking for something approaching a modicum of maturity in marketing this game was asking far too much.  I don’t miss Dina, but at least she didn’t make this calibur of stupid-ass jokes.

This trailer is insulting.  It insults my intelligence.  It spits in the face of the people who actually wanted this game.  It does nothing to sell it.  This game looks like shit.  Fuck Deep Silver.  Fuck Mighty No. 9.  Thank Groj that Yooka-Laylee and Bloodstained are not being handled with this level of stupidity.  The former has actual gameplay content that looks good.  Also, a beta is coming out in time for E3.  Neat, right?

Initial Verdict
2 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick