You Mean Well, But I’m Not With You (A Response to Emma Watson)

So, I only just recently watched Emma Watson’s speech to the UN about how men and women should join with her in calling themselves feminists, and how this is something that men should be just as active and outspoken as women about.  I have heard her speech a few times, and I have actually tried to think this out and word it in a way where I can be respectful, yet still be critical, because I respect Watson.  She is probably the only person who can leave the world of acting and go much higher up in it.  That’s impressive.  However, let’s talk about her speech.

Look, Emma, there’s a key problem that you are unable to overcome in your speech.  It’s something that I am sorry to say bogs down your belief in equality between both genders.  That is a good way to look at this issue, and I’m with you whole-heartedly, believe it or not.  But the reality is that, in the 1st world, this issue has gotten so utterly divisive that you would have to repair a lot of rifts to make your vision work.

For starters, there’s Tumblr and Twitter feminism.  Women who are complaining about things that have no bearing on gender equality and are only something that they want to be mad about.  You have women like Anita Sarkeesian, going after women in video games like that is indicative of some kind of culture of misogyny.  Or that it promotes misogyny.  This is the same flawed reasoning that people who say that video games cause violence use, and there has been absolutely ZERO evidence for either position.  But to these people, it doesn’t matter.  Facts mean nothing.  When you can have a woman holding up a sign and saying that she needs feminism because of “stare rape,” then how can you expect other people to believe in it.  And I have no doubt that a lot of women are with you on your points.  For real, I have no doubt.  But the reason that the label of feminism is so tarnished in this country is because of people like the SJWs and their ilk on social media.  They don’t want discussion.  They want capitulation.  They want men to go away, because in their eyes, men are the problem.

I CANNOT judge a group of people by the best of what it has to offer.  I’m sorry.  I wish I could.  I wish I could turn a blind eye to people like Anita Sarkeesian.  But the problem is that they are not only getting Internet attention, they are now getting mainstream attention.  MSNBC recently did a story where they painted the issues of #GamerGate that myself and other have – ethics and ethical reporting in gaming journalism – and made it like we are just woman-haters who don’t like that women are in video gaming.  Those of us who try and talk to women like Sarkeesian logically and without becoming a tirade of expletives are belittled and ignored, because that doesn’t help the message.  I did not see a SINGLE person on MSNBC’s broadcast who explained our side.  They just had two people who made us out to be villains.  This is becoming the mainstream position of the far-left.  As a woman who made a video belittling the Tumblrites pointed out – it’s like everyone is in a rush to be the most progressive.

Regardless of whether or not you agree with them, this is the company which you keep.  Unless you decry them, publicly and with conviction, it’s no different than moderate Christians who keep quiet when Fundies go off.  It’s easier to stand by your sisterhood than to fight against it.  That’s something that we can’t abide.

What’s more – women who are empowered enough to speak out against these women are then targeted by them.  These people are like a pack of rabid dogs, looking for targets to chow down on.  That’s what feminism is becoming in America, because women like you are a very quiet bunch about the outspoken misandry that Tumblr and Twitter feminists espouse.  I’m sorry if this sounds rude.  I mean no disrespect.  But I hope you can see where I’m coming from, here.

And I want to commend you for bringing up the plight of women outside the first world.  Here’s something that you and I could stand together on.  I would LOVE to see the women of India or Saudi Arabia or places like that would embrace the feminism of the early 1900’s.  A suffragette-style movement would do loads of good in those parts of the world.  If you were to lead a movement with that ideal in mind, I would be behind you, 100%.  So would most men and women, I bet.

But at the end of the day, I cannot and will not call myself a feminist.  Nor am I a male-rights activist.  Here is what I am – a self-determination gender-egalitarian.  A mouthful?  Perhaps.  It is, however, the closest thing that I can think of to describe how I see gender and the issue that we have.  I want all people, men and women, to have the same rights.  Man, woman, gay, straight.  Equality shouldn’t be a gender thing, it should be a human thing.  And I bet you that we could see eye-to-eye, if I were remotely popular enough to ever meet you in person.  I do respect you and it was a good speech.  However, feminism in the Western World needs help.  It needs a lot of help.  Because Tumblr and Twitter is making it look astoundingly bad.  Do with that whatever you will.

To close out my response, a quote,

“Men are from Earth.  Women are from Earth.  Deal with it.”  -George Carlin

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: Avengers: Age of Ultron

It’s finally here!  An actual trailer that isn’t just people saying random things for the upcoming sequel to Avengers.  The first film was a great action flick and was fun to watch, but it was about as nice and frilly as it got.  It was NOT a dark movie.  It had dark elements, but they never really went much of anywhere, and we all knew that the heroes were going to win, in the end.  With this trailer, they finally decided to give the upcoming film some atmosphere, and it is so awesome.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  Here is the trailer, for your viewing pleasure -

So yeah, I fucking love this trailer!  It looks so totally awesome!  It grabs my attention right off the bat with the voice of the villain, Ultron.  And who is doing the voice?  Why, none other than James Spader, one of my favorite actors!  I loved him in Stargate.  I loved him in The Practice and its spin-off, Boston Legal.  I have been loving his character in The Blacklist, as probably one of the best anti-heroes that I have ever seen in anything.  Ever.  When I read that he was doing the voice of Ultron, I knew that it would be good, but hot damn!  This is fucking amazing!  Spader has this dark presence that never gets fully appreciated.  It’s the reason that he is so good in The Blacklist as Raymond Reddington.  He’s a character who you never really know who’s side he’s on.  It’s a role that is perfect for Spader.  With Ultron, in this trailer, it appears like he was kind of fucked over by Tony Stark, and now he’s looking for payback.  And this guy means business!  He’s clearly in this to fuck with all the Avengers.  He’s got a beef and he’s gonna settle it.

That’s where our heroes come in.  I’ve been hearing about the Marvel Civil War saga being made into a movie.  Now, it looks like that’s a reality.  The Avengers are not as tight as they once were.  Something happens in this film, having to do with Ultron, and it is splitting the Avengers apart.  Thor picks up Tony Stark by the throat.  You see him, Captain America, Romanov and Bruce Banner in the jet without him.  But the best clue is that we finally see one of Stark’s greatest armors – the Hulksmasher!  An armor suit made for the express purpose of fighting with the Hulk.  You see the two throwing down, and it doesn’t look pretty.  Whatever got them there is bad.  In another shot, you see Iron Man, standing alone.  Are the Avengers done?  That’s an exciting thought.

Another neat twist is Scarlet Witch and Quiksilver.  Last we saw, they were being held in Hydra’s castle.  We see a scene where Ultron is standing in that castle, with the two of them.  It’s obvious that he rescued them, and they seem to be pretty tight with the guy.  However, we see another scene where Quiksilver is saving Captain America.  What happens to get them to the Avengers?  Or are they?  It’s clear that their plot is going to be complicated, and that’s fine with me.

But the biggest indicator that shit gets real in this film is when you see Captain America’s broken shield.  That thing is an amalgamation of Adamantium and Vibranium.  That thing shouldn’t be able to be destroyed!  Whatever does this isn’t playing.  Also, given how this is Ultron’s first major appearance, and what a boss he seems to be, I bet you that he’s not done by the end of this film.  I bet that it gets even better, from here.

All-in-all, this trailer looks amazing.  I am so stoked for this movie.  I haven’t been this giddy for a comic book movie since I saw the first trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy, and I have no doubt that this movie will not disappoint.  I already have a friend in mind who I am going to see it with.  Hopefully it lives up to the hype.

What stuck you to you most in this trailer, and are you excited for this movie as well?  Let me know in the comments section.

Initial Verdict
9 out of 10

Peace out,


What I Really Want for My Birthday

My birthday’s coming up soon.  When exactly it is is something I’m not comfortable telling all of you.  Sorry, we just aren’t that tight.  But it’s in the not-too-distant future and I have been thinking about how old I’ve gotten.  Kind of staring down the barrel of adulthood, and it isn’t a pleasant feeling.  I keep wanting things to change, and have been working to make that happen.  Alas, my efforts have been for naught.  Something we don’t teach kids anymore – you can bust your ass and try your hardest and still fail.  It’s an important lesson, but people don’t want to talk about that anymore.  It’s easier to just talk about happy stuff.  People do like sunshine blown up their ass.

I made a list of stuff that I wanted for my birthday and Christmas.  Might as well make it simple, right?  It wasn’t an especially long list.  I’m not nearly as materialistic as I used to be.  I have kind of realized that the things that I truly want can’t be bought at a store.  They can’t be given to me in the way that someone thinks about.  They have to come from somewhere else.  Somewhere better.  I got to thinking – what do I really want for my birthday?  Well, I came up with a more reasonable list of the things that I wish I could have for the day when I was brought into this shitty world.

Some Company

My attempts to reclaim a social life, ever since I lost the apartment that my ex and I shared.  I had a bunch of people that I know and I thought that I could reclaim some of my old socialization.  However, that was a big wasted effort.  It seems that in my time away, the world moved on.  I should have seen that coming.  I mean, why would it stay the way I Friendshipleft it?  I got older, and so did everyone else.  We all had obligations and whatnot come into our lives.  But yeah, our attempts to reconnect and to forge some new connections were a complete bust, which bums me out because I am feeling pretty lonely, lately.  It’s no fun to realize that you don’t fit into the lives of people who you used to be close with.  That they up and became different people on you.

I would like more time to chill with people.  I would like people who actually want to hang.  For years, it’s always had to be me who schedules things.  It’s always had to be me who makes the time.  It’s always had to be me who goes out of my way to get things happening.  It’s always had to be me!  It makes it pretty clear that I’m not the first person people want to chill with.  I doubt I’m the second or third, for that matter.  I’m that guy who is fun when they’re around, but not missed when they aren’t.  I’d like to have people to chill with.  One person in-particular.  I keep hoping that we’ve reconnected, but it looks like that was a false hope.  Like most things in my life.

Life to Stop Giving Me the High Hard One

I’m about to graduate college.  Assuming that one of my classes doesn’t continue to fuck with me.  That is a grand assumption, believe me.  Probably the grandest of assumptions.  Lady Luck has been making me her bitch ever since I was 14, following a head injury that killed me for less than a minute.  I don’t know what I did to make it so that she would continually hurt me, but I guess that I was the person she picked.  It had to be somebody, right?

I have a ton of medical problems, and am about to lose my insurance.  I am going to have a degree, one that could open doors for me, but I have no idea what to do with it.  I have a ton of debt that my time in college has given me.  I have no romantic interests.  I have nobody who seems to want me around.  I am a ship adrift, in an ocean that seems to have no stars.  No way to steer my compass.  All I want is for life to just give me a fucking break.  I’d say I earned it, haven’t I?  I’ve done my best to be a good person, not caring especially much the cost.  I’ve been a loyal friend, being there for my people when they needed me.  I was a damn good boyfriend, though that didn’t get me far.  What is it about me that makes it so that life can’t just cut me a fucking break?!  I suppose it might be arrogant.  I know that I’m not the only one.  And believe it or not, I want it to get better for them too.  After all, all we’ve got is each other.  It has given me a unique perspective on living that gives me a sense of camaraderie with my fellow down-trodden.

Sunny and Windy Days, along with Starry Nights

I hate winter.  For real, I fucking hate it.  All I want is for it to go away.  Where is climate change when we need it?  I just want to have a warm and sunny day, with peaceful nights.  Maybe some ocean breeze and the sound of the ocean.  Just something to make the world seem like a less lonely place.  I love the city for its convenience of getting things, but I love the country for its beauty.  It’s a cruel mix of things being difficult and hard to work with.  If only there was some middle ground.  But the real reason that I want that is because I want a place where I can sleep.  I am tired.  I am so fucking tired.  I’m tired of trying.  I’m tired of working hard for no reward.  I’m tired of trying to not be alone, only to end up lonelier than ever.  I’m tired of staring at the same ceiling, when all I want to do is pack my shit in my car and leave, never to return.

Rocky BeachYeah, that sounds nice.  I set down in some new town.  Make a new life, have a new name.  Nobody would know who I am, and I could be a whole new person.  A pity that the cost of living and especially the cost of moving is so damn expensive.  I could get down with that.  A friend told me about this motel that she wanted to buy in California.  It is always busy during the summer, when tourists head up to the redwood forest.  The people who run it are incompetent.  I could do better.  I would be good at running a business.  I could make the place better.  Sure, during the off months I am going to get a lot of couples fucking.  Whatever.  That’s the cost of doing business.  But I could make it better.  Live pretty well, maybe in the motel.  I don’t need much, after all.  Though I shouldn’t deny a potential room.  Less money.

But there is one thing that I want that I can’t find in any store.  It’s something that I can’t find anywhere, try as I might.  I’ll look my whole life.  I doubt I ever will.

To be Happy

Until next time, a quote,

“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”  -Ned Vizzini

Peace out,


#GamerGate: Anita Sarkeesian Threatened and the Media Overload

So, for those who haven’t been paying attention, in a very recent story, Anita Sarkeesian was supposed to be a speaker at a conference at the Utah State University (USU).  However, she never got a chance to speak about her usual BS.  Why?  Well, it seems that there was a threat that she got.  It was a threat from somebody online, threatening mass shooting of Sarkeesian and others there.  In response, Sarkeesian demanded that they have metal detectors for the event.  However, when the school did not deem the threats to be genuine, they denied this request.  So, because Sarkeesian doesn’t have any backbone to defend her values, even in the face of adversity, she cancels her talk.  The media exposure to this has been absolutely nuts and kind of embarrassing.  Because she got almost every major news outlet to print her story.  That’s sure convenient.

The first thing to note is how easily Sarkeesian was dissuaded from talking at this university.  When Marilyn Manson was threatened before a concert that took place after the Columbine shooting, where he was a convenient target to blame, he didn’t care what these bullies thought.  He did his set and didn’t show any sign of fear.  When Bob Marley was doing a concert in support of a political battle he had gotten into, he got shot.  Two days later, he still did his concert as planned.  These two people believed in their music and weren’t about to let some nutjobs stop them from performing.  If Sarkeesian is willing to tuck tail and run from something that nobody has confirmed was a real threat, what does that say about the strength of her beliefs?

What’s more, I have some serious doubts about the validity of this threat.  See, Sarkeesian and her ilk were starting to look REALLY bad lately, following some ugly backlash from the #GamerGate fiasco that still continues.  When they are attacked by another, older and more academically-inclined feminist named Christina Sommers, for their cherry-picking and twisting information to suit their narrative, these people were REALLY starting to look like a bunch of angry teenagers, who were wanting the entire world to change to make them happy.

The timing is very convenient that Sarkeesian gets this threat that shuts her down, just as she is reaching a point where her and every single person who stands with her is looking like a bunch of dicks.  So they get this threat.  One that, according to the campus itself, the police saw as “no risk to students.”  They even determined that the threat she received was no worse than the ones that she usually gets.  Yet she cancels, because they wouldn’t put up metal detectors?  That’s weird.  Wouldn’t they trust the actual law enforcement’s assessment.  This just seems too convenient.

Especially when you see the media’s reaction.  Sarkeesian got all the love in the world, from almost ALL the mainstream media outlets.  NBC, BBC, The New York Times, The Washington Post, they all had stories that painted her as the innocent victims of us EVIL, misogynist gamers who hate women.  They accept her narrative at face value.  Even Democracy Now did an article painting her as the victim.  Democracy Now!  The news site that prides itself on doing the research that other sites don’t.  Even they do an article talking about how Sarkeesian is the victim of the awful gamer culture and how we are all bad and she is right.

Which one of them did any research on the terrible videos she has made, or the fact that even a sister-in-arms called her out on her garbage?  Which of these sites decided to talk about how it is so obvious that she has crafted a narrative that fits her description of the events and makes her out to be the hero of a great battle between innocent her and us woman-hating gamers?  None.  They all decided to go with the easy narrative that is not hard to accept.  I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by this.  After all, aside from BBC and Democracy Now, these are corporate news groups.  Corporate news is, if anything, lazy.

It all just feels too convenient.  It feels like this is part of a narrative.  Sarkeesian was starting to look bad, so she needs something that can make her out to be the hero of the story again.  Something that can put her critics to rest without her having to answer for the charges that people who aren’t just sending her death-threats are saying.  She doesn’t have to address her irrational ignorance.  She just has to answer the soft-ball questions that NBC and whatnot sends her way.  That sure is convenient.  What’s more, the fact that nobody appears to be taking her to task for this is also interesting.  Who has done any research into the validity of this threat?  Someone?  Anyone?

I recently saw a video by a girl who had some rather on-point things to say about women like Sarkeesian -

This is getting WAY out of hand.  I’m with her that feminism in 2014 America makes NO sense at all.  Sarkeesian is being given credibility to her ridiculous notion that women in video games is somehow detrimental to women in real life from mainstream sources, all because of a threat that she got, just when the Internet had written her off.  I’m with Thunderf00t on this one – I would LOVE to see them trace the email that this threat came from.  Here’s me saying that I bet you real money it’s one of her supporters who sent that message, or maybe even the woman herself.  Much like a friend of hers did.  I bet you money.

Until next time, a quote,

“There are no facts anymore, kiddo.  There’s only good or bad fiction.”  -Denny Crane, Boston Legal

Peace out,


Lucien’s Review: Godzilla (2014)

GodzillaI don’t like this movie.  A lot of my people talked about how this was a Godzilla film that they had always wanted, and I’m here to tell you that that is not the case.  Not the case at all.  It isn’t nearly as bad as the Godzilla film by Roland Emmerich, but that doesn’t make it a good movie.  I don’t believe that this is a bad movie.  I genuinely don’t.  However, given what this franchise has going for it, some of the elements of this movie are just baffling to me.  Still, I suppose I should get into this film before I list my problems.  Let’s get started.

The plot of the film gets remarkably confusing.  At first, you see a old-timey video of a nuclear test.  However, it hints that the test was more than that.  In the future, a Japanese scientist, played by Ken Watanabe, is investigating some unknown creatures that were massive in size.  Then the film goes to Bryan Cranston’s character, who runs a nuclear nuclear power plant in Japan.  An event happens where some kind of seismic event destroys the plant, killing his wife, who is oddly played by Juliette Binoche.  Sixteen years later, his son is now a bomb disposal expert in the military, who gets caught up in his dad’s scheme to figure out the truth behind what happened to his wife.  Little do they know, a needlessly complicated plot involving a secretive organization has gotten everyone mixed up in a battle that was millions of years in the making.  Yeah, this movie goes all over the place.  We’ll get there.

Before I go off on the elements I don’t like about this movie, I should talk about what the film did right.  For starters, a lot of the casting choices.  Bryan Cranston has yet to suck in anything I’ve seen him in.  Juliette Binoche is good, for what little screen time she gets.  Ken Watanabe has a reserved but still good performance.  He’s another good actor.  The guy they have playing the Admiral who has been tasked with dealing with the problem once it gets too big for the secretive organization to handle is also nice.  He’s believable, being faced with a problem that is WAY bigger than he could handle.  However, the person who plays grown-up Cranston’s son is AWFUL!  For real, this guy is so utterly dull that he might as well not be in this movie.  Same with his wife and kid.  Why were they in this movie?  It makes no sense!

Next up is the effect.  Godzilla looks awesome!  Unlike that OTHER movie, this time they got the creature to form, and it looks awesome.  The other creatures in the film also look pretty cool.  The fight sequences between Godzilla and the monsters is so cool.  But we’ll get back to that.

Now, we get to the complaining.  For one – why was Bryan Cranston only in this movie for less than an hour?  For real, he is in this movie and then leaves in such an anti-climactic way.  Same with his wife.  When you have two A-list actors like Bryan Cranston and Juliette Binoche, making such little use of their talents is baffling, to me.  Cranston was the most believable and sympathetic character in this entire movie, and how they just excised him makes no freakin’ sense to me.  Especially since the person who played his son was boring as fuck.  The ENTIRE plot with his son and his son’s wife could have been excised and this move literally would have not changed because of it.  For real, nothing would be different.

Then there is the fact that this film’s plot goes all over the place.  It couldn’t decide what it wanted to be.  Does it want to be a monster movie?  Well, we’ll get to why that didn’t work out.  Does it want to be a story about man vs nature?  That would be fine, if man showed any sign of being able to do shit to stop nature.  Man is getting their ass kicked the entire time in this movie.  You see so little of the battle against the monsters, since they have a REALLY convenient plot element that makes mankind the monster’s bitch.  Does it want to be a story about a family surviving?  Well, that doesn’t work because of how little time we get with the family characters.  The fact that the only family in the film by the end of the film and how boring they are doesn’t help.  This film tries to juggle too many elements, and it doesn’t work.

However, the worst insult, to me is this – Godzilla was only in this movie for 8 minutes!  Someone kept trick, and that just blows my mind.  This is God-fucking-zilla!  Why is he only in a movie that has his name on it for 8 minutes?!  Each time that you see the fights starting, it cuts away.  Only at the end do you see it genuinely ramp up.  There is even the use of one of Godzilla’s signature weapons that just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  It was a totally epic moment, but it didn’t make up for how little of the titular character we got to see.  People paid to watch a movie with Godzilla beating the fuck out of another monster.  We didn’t get that.  This is not cool.  I love this monster, and some of those old movies where he is fighting it out with other monsters are sick.  The old Japanese films knew where to keep their focus, with cutesy little stories about the humans going on on the side.  That makes sense.  This movie tries to focus on that WAY too much on the people.  Since this film had a sequel-bait ending, I hope the next iteration learns from its Japanese counterparts.

This isn’t a bad movie.  The elements that the film gets right, it actually does shine.  However, I simply can’t ignore how bad some of the mistakes are, so that’s going to make the verdict on this movie suffer quite a bit.  Sad, but true.  I do hope any future sequels get it right, because there is potential here, with the right talent behind it.

Final Verdict
6 out of 10

Peace out,


Video Game Confessions: Wario

Being a journalism major, and a future journalist, suffice it to say that I get around.  In my travels, I have met some of the most insane characters!  These are the kinds of people that most nerds only dream of seeing, and I have gotten to meet, in the flesh.  And, seeing as how it is late, there is soft jazz music playing, and I am feeling all deep and introspective, I thought that I would tell you one of my stories now.

I was wandering around town, looking for a story to do for an audio slide show.  It’s for a class I’m taking.  Not the most fun assignment, but what can ya do?  As I was walking, I happened to walk into a bar that I heard lets you smoke hash in it.  I could get down with that.  Was with a friend, so we thought we’d chill.  Hey, maybe I could do a story about this place!  As I get in and find a table, you wouldn’t believe who I happened to see at another Wariotable, looking mighty nervous – Wario!  That’s right, the creepy villain from the Mario series.  He was nursing a glass of beer, not smoking any pot.  That seemed strange.

I went up and introduced myself.  He had heard of me, as most who I talk to lately have.  He was far more polite than I expected.  I always thought he’d be something of a dick, but no!  He’s actually quite a civil fellow.  I take out my tape recorder and set it down.  “So, what brings you here?” I ask.  He lets out a sigh.

Well, I’m about to go on-stage.

“Really?!  You do poetry?”  He nods, taking another swig of beer.

Yup.  I love it.  I love the artistic expression of my inner-most emotions.  Plus, it makes for a nice escape from my day-job.

I had always wondered this.  “Oh?  And what do you do?”

I am the CFO for Bowser’s corporation, King Koopa, Inc.

I smile.  “No way!  You are a businessman?”  He nodded again, looking more at ease.

Oh yeah.  I got my Doctorate in Business Administration.

This had me very confused.  “So wait, if you have a Doctorate in Business, how did you end up fighting Mario and all that?”  He let out a hearty chuckle.

Oh, that.  Well, to be honest, a lot like Bowser, it was all fun and games, at first.  We met not long after he started doing his thing.  The guy was getting into the business world and he needed someone to run parts of his business while he was busy.  I would also scout out new ventures for him.  I signed a contract with him and we were partners.  One day, he comes back from an adventure that he got into with Mario and tells me all about it.  It sounded like loads of fun!  Going to exotic places, getting lots of minions, screwing with that clueless plumber.  I never liked Mario.  So, Bowser sets me up and we went from there.

I couldn’t believe it.  I felt like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, peeking behind the curtain.  “So, did that do well for you, too?”

Like you wouldn’t believe!  The stuff fighting Mario wasn’t great, but then I got into kart racing!  That was awesome!  Fast vehicles, throwing shells at people.  I even bought a stadium and put my name on it.  Of course, Mario had to buy two more.  Where he got the money for that, I’ll never know.  Bought some more properties later for racing.  The kart racing game became one of the most lucrative exploits that I’ve ever done.  You know the newest Mario Kart game?  I co-financed that.  Bowser was in too.  You saw his castle in the game, right?  Yeah, he wanted to show off.

One couldn’t help but be impressed.  “Wow.  That’s amazing!  So wait, how does Waluigi fit into the picture?  I see that you, him and Bowser all seem to be tight.  What does he do?”

Ah, yeah.  Waluigi runs a law firm.  He takes care of the legal problems of King Koopa, Inc.

“Very cool.”  A thought suddenly occurred to me.  “So, you had any dealings with Princess Peach?  I know that Bowser had some problems…”  A look suddenly came on to his face.

Ugh, her.  That woman.  That woman is such a pain in the ass.  For real, I am SO glad that she’s Mario’s problem.  Bowser is obligated to keep kidnapping her.  Part of the reason that I got out is because of how she is.  After I kidnapped her, she started to warm up to me, too.  No sir!  I already have a girlfriend, and you don’t want an angry asari blasting a singularity up your ass!

I was in shock.  “You are dating an asari?”

Oh yeah!  Her name’s Shiala.  She was on the Feros colony, but because she had a problem where her skin turned green, she became something of an exile among other asari.  I met her at one of Bowser’s galaxies, in a bar, drinking herself stupid.  We struck up a conversation and got pretty close.  She’s a nice gal.  She’s even talking about us having a kid together.  I could get down with that.

I smiled at him.  “Well, mazal tov.  Seems like you have it all in order.  So, why are you so nervous about getting up and doing poetry here?  You seem to be a powerful guy.  What could a bunch of stoners at a bar do to frighten you?”  He smiled at that.

It’s one thing to tell a bunch of employees a bad joke.  They’re obligated to laugh.  Trying to get a bunch of people at a bar to laugh at one’s poetry, that is something else altogether.

I chuckled.  “Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’ll do fine.”  I turned off the tape recorder and we shook hands.

Thanks, kid.  You’re a nice sort.  You know, you might just have a future in talking to people.

“I’ll keep that in mind.  Good luck!”  He lumbered off to go and do his set.  I felt good, walking away from that.  You can never judge a book by its cover.  Same with a creepy-looking Italian businessman who is rich as fuck.  Something I’ll keep in mind, should I ever need a friend with money to talk to.

Peace out,


Lucien’s Review: Gone Girl

Gone GirlI’m not sure.  I’m just not sure.  I’m not sure how to do a proper review of this movie.  I’m not sure how I can adequately explain this movie, without spoiling the living shit out of it.  So much of what I want to and could talk about for days on end revolve around parts of the film that if I did talk about them, I would spoil this movie.  It has been a LONG time since I saw a film that made me question the nature of good and evil the way that this film does.  Even now, hours after having seen it, I am still trying to process it.  A lot of people think that they have seen great film, and they might be right.  However, I know for a fact that I have seen one of the greatest films ever made, and only David Fincher could make it happen.  I’ll try and make this review as good as I can, but the reality is that I can’t talk about it too long without spoiling it, and that is a crime that I refuse to commit.  You have to see this movie for yourselves.

The plot of the film is that a man named Nick Dunne is having another ordinary day in his life, with his anniversary with his wife being on that day.  It seems that they are having some marriage troubles, but it seems like a normal life, until he comes home and finds out that his wife is missing.  Thus begins probably the smartest game of who-dun-it that I have ever seen.  Ever.  The plot of this film continues to twist and turn right up until the bitter end, leaving the audience wondering just what to think of it.  This is a film that I guarantee is going to stay with you.  You are going to be thinking about it long after it is over.  And that’s all I can say about the plot, because where the case about Dunne’s wife goes is the core of this amazing movie.

On the technical side, this movie is perfect.  For real, there is not a single wasted shot in the entire movie.  Like most movies that Fincher has directed, the pacing is deliberate and slow.  This is a long movie, and the film takes advantage of every second of it.  Not a single frame is wasted.  The scenes with building tension are handled so flawlessly that I was chewing on my thumb every time.  With combination of music and mood, they build and build until you have no idea what to think.  When it all breaks, man does it come crashing down!  This is the kind of filmmaking that most directors wish they could do.  The only other person who I can see doing this is Stanley Kubrick.

Given that this is a film where you never know what to think, it takes some great actors to really pull this off.  There was not a single miscast.  When I saw that Tyler Perry was in this movie, I was sure that this movie was going to suck.  But his scenes were even pretty good.  Ben Affleck brought his A-game to this movie, and that’s good, given that his character is the center around which the entire plot goes.  The woman playing his wife is also brilliantly enigmatic.  The thing about this movie is that you never have a firm grasp on what to think of characters.  Even at the end, you are still trying to decide how you see them.  It is NOT easy.

This is also the best mystery film that I have ever seen.  Like any good mystery, you naturally try to solve it.  Just when I think that I had a handle on it, the film sucker-punches you right in the gut.  And I mean every single time.  It is so gripping.  Right until the credits roll, you are still trying to figure it all out.  I haven’t had a movie stay with me in this way where I am feeling weird how much I like certain elements.  This is a new experience, and thank goodness.

The person I went to see this movie described it as “your brain being fisted up its asshole.”  I honestly can’t think of a better way to put into words what this film has done to me.  I honestly wish I could, but I can’t.  There are no other words.  This is a film that is among the very best.  It is a flawless movie.  I can’t say anything more than to go see it.  So that’s what I’ll leave you on.

Final Verdict
10 out of 10

Peace out,