Lucien Drinks: Strawberry Pina Colada

In addition to making food things, I also do drink stuff.  My favorite is mix drinks.  I am awesome at it.  I have yet to find anything that I’ve ever put my mind to that I’m bad.  For real, nothing that I have ever wanted to do have I been inclined to suck at.  For whatever reason, I am naturally a man of a ton of talents.  And nowhere is that more apparent than tonight.  Did I use precise measurements to get this perfectly done!  Fuck no!  I honestly never have on virtually everything I’ve ever made.  I honestly don’t get how people can nitpick culinary creations that way.  For me, I do my best to stay within limits and come hell or high water.  In this case, it worked wonders.  Let me show you the results.

I have tied in the posts about Lucien Cooks with stories about how I came to what I made and what it evoked in me, emotionally.  I thought I would do the same here, because there are real memories that came floating to the surface when I took a drink of this absolutely splendid concoction.

It’s funny, my cousin left his blender at my old place when he moved out.  It’s been collecting dust in my pantry for a while.  But when I saw some pina colada materials at the store the other night, and it’s strawberry season, I decided that I was going to get me some and put it to good use!  What a wonderful decision.  This is so damn good.  Each drink takes me back to a time in my life when I was so much younger.  A time when I could remember life being different.  Better.  I miss those days.  Seems like 1000 years ago.  More than one lifetime.  Technically, it was.  I miss the person from those days.

Back when I really young, before my head injury, my family and I went to Hawaii.  It was an awesome trip.  So much fun.  We went to the macadamia nut farm and got to try some truly amazing creations with that.  There was this old dude with this song he would sing about fresh coconut.  I wish I could remember how that song went, but memories before my head injury are mud.  I just remember the outdoor market he was in.  All the fresh fruit and wares people made.  It was a truly spectacular place.  All the time my family and I spent swimming and snorkeling.  Grabbing on to sea turtles (which is totally illegal.  We broke the law and got away with it!), and my sister absolutely losing her shit when the fish came up around her.  That was the funniest thing ever.  Oh, and my mother attempting to kill me at a beach with waves that were more than a little insane.  No joke, I had swam out and was going to make it over a massive one that was cresting, then feel this hand grab my foot.  Scared the fuck out of me.  Crazy old woman.

One thing that I remember from that trip that truly stands out was the strawberry pina coladas.  We had them all the time.  They were so good.  My sister and I were too young for booze, but in the concoction I made tonight no such issue.  Coconut rum goes amazingly with this.  So damn tasty.  I love how good a cook I am.  But my mind goes back to the memories of Hawaii, thinking of listening to the waves, the hot, humid air, the tasty drinks, driving around on a road that was a sheer cliff on one side.  All the good memories in that place, from back when the family and I were a lot happier.  From a life before my brain was busted.

I used fresh strawberries in this drink.  Best kind.  I didn’t want to use frozen stuff if I could help it.  In this case, I was able to live up to that mandate.  Used fresh ingredients too, no mixes.  So good.  The food and drinks that bring back memories, from a time when life was simpler and I didn’t have to be afraid of the future all the goddamn time.  How I wish I could go back, and savor it for all the time that I can.  Listening to music and being with friends I miss so much.  A girl I loved and will always love more than anyone, and a friend who was the brother I never had.

What are the things that you eat or drink that bring back memories for you?  Let me know in the comments.

Until next time, a quote,

“We didn’t realize we were making memories.  We just knew we were having fun.” – Anonymous

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back Teaser

This is more of an indictment of the video game industry and what a joke it has all become lately.  This year’s E3 honestly isn’t interesting me all that much.  I mean, what are the big new things coming up?  A sequel to the shit-tastic Destiny that I couldn’t possibly care less about but everyone seems to think is just so amazing.  Nintendo has their latest Mario clone that is just the same as the others but this time with an open world.  Neat, I guess?  Kojima’s latest project isn’t going to show, but that doesn’t surprise me.  He’s already said that hoping for a release date in 2018 is not happening so don’t bother.  From Software has already told people not to start hoping for a Bloodborne sequel, but are saying they have something new that people who love that will just love!  I bet.  Everything is a sequel or a remake.  I’m just not that interesting.

Sure, The Last of Us: Part 2 may make an appearance.  That would be cool.  Especially if there is gameplay footage.  I am also hoping for a release date for Detroit: Become Human to make an appearance too, but part of me figures that will be asking too much.  Then people are saying “but what about the remake for Final Fantasy VII?!” Did everyone just forget that that game will be released episodically?  And Square Enix is charging a full-priced game amount for each episode?  Yeah, fuck that noise.  I’m not giving them a cent.  I am not paying $180 for AAA game.  Not happening.  I can get a gaming console for cheaper.  I am just not feeling the magic.

Trailers like this certainly don’t help.

Really?  I mean, really?!  You’re rebooting Bubsy?  Who the fuck asked for this?!  Really, what person anywhere actually asked for this to be a thing?!  With all the franchises that could use being brought into the 21st century.  Like Spyro, or Shantae, or a ton of the old Disney platformers (the remake of the Duck Tales game was awesome!), or any of the games on this list (shameless pandering!), Bubsy is the one we get?!  Let’s analyze this.

We have this annoying cat thing speaking, in a voice that makes me want to tear my ears out.  Not off to a good start, game.  It talks about how the world has all these problems.  Sure, I am down that that.  One of them is the fact that a game studio I am shocked didn’t die with you brought you back to life.  No joke, I genuinely am amazed that the company who brought us Bubsy 3D didn’t go tits-up when the game died on the funeral pyre that was its existence.  But then it decides to tell us that we can ignore all that shit and instead focus on Bubsy!  Oh boy!  We then get to see some generic platforming.  Oh boy.  That sure does look like every other generic platformer that I have ever seen without a single thing that catches my interest.

The reality is that this game looks mediocre.  With all the great 2D characters who could be brought back to life like Gex or Shantae or Earthworm Jim or even Spyro, this is the loser that this company actually wanted to unearth from the gaming graveyard?  I will never understand.  If gaming is becoming another version of Hollywood, I fear for its future.  For real, I do.

Initial Verdict
5 out of 10 – Boring

Peace out,

Maverick

Musical Insanity: Ain’t Gonna Pee Pee My Bed Tonight

I’ve done a fair few of these.  Not many recently, but that’s because you really have to work pretty hard to actually weird me out anymore.  I’ve watched Two Girls, One Cup.  I’ve watched the Squatty Potty rainbow ice cream shitting unicorn ad.  I’ve become so corrupted by the Internet that genuinely getting my attention takes work.  The one from whatever country with the people in animal masks still haunts my nightmares, but that’s neither here nor there.  But when I saw this video on the Drunken Peasants podcast, I knew that I would have a reaction to this.  So I stopped the video and decided to take this madness in for myself.  Let’s share in this moment together.

It’s kind of an overused line at this point, but what the fuck did I just watch?  It starts out with Raffi/Elvis here singing about how she is not going to be peeing in her bed tonight.  Okay.  That’s good, I guess.  Except for the fact that this pre-teen girl is gyrating her hips and stuff.  That’s kinda weird.  I mean, it was understood that Elvis doing that was meant to be sexually suggestive.  What is it when this kid does it?  But it gets better.

We have the adult entourage who comes in and tells us that they are are also not going to pee in their beds tonight.  That’s good.  I should hope that they are not going to be peeing in their beds tonight.  You know, unless it’s a sex thing.  But that’s still gross.  I mean, you gotta clean those sheets, dudes.  Why are you also singing about not peeing in your beds?  So we go from Raffi Elvis to The Raffi Carpenters in just a few seconds.  We then cut to another group of exclusively teenage and young adult girls singing about not peeing in their beds tonight.  This is even weirder!  I’m not saying that lesbian piss play is bad, but this is a family!  Why are you all talking about peeing in your beds?  Are you on such hard drugs that you lose your bladder control?!  Why the fuck is this a song?  The Raffi Brady Bunch is singing about pissing in their beds!  I genuinely don’t understand why this was a thing.

Was the goal here to tell children that peeing in your beds is something you should not do?  Definitely agree, but how is this song going to teach that?  Raffi at least used rhythm to teach kids to do stuff.  And it was practical shit.  Not pissing in your bed is a good moral but how is you singing about it going to help?!

Then we go back to Raffi Elvis gyrating again.  This is so fucking weird.  Except this time it’s more autistic shuffling, I guess?  This is the stuff they showed to Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange to break him.  If I had to watch this on loop forever it would break me pretty quick.  The gyrating gets more on point, which just makes it so much worse.  Elvis did that shit to be suggestive, little girl!  Are you trying to do that too?!  Clearly this was filmed in the 70’s, but I still wanna go through the video and tell that little girl not to tease the pedophiles.  It cannot end well.

More than that, I wanna what the story is behind this music video.  If ANY of the people who made this happen to find this post (it’s not the first time the maker of something I have criticized has come onto my blog to defend their creation), can you please explain the inception of this to me?  I don’t figure there was bad intention.  I figure it’s another situation like Derek Savage and you all have the best intention but still make something that is weird as fuck.  But what got this created?  I absolutely have to know.  Come on, Internet sleuths.  Help me figure this out.

Let’s talk about the background choreography.  It’s…terrible.  Just terrible.  Everyone’s timing is off and it’s pretty clear some of them are awkward as fuck about it.  It’s just them moving back and forth.  I get that this is a kind of family deal, but The Raffi Carpenter’s need to work on their stage performance, because when I stopped watching Raffi Elvis gyrate I was so amused by what I saw behind her.

And who the fuck is Raffi Gandalf?  That old fat guy in the white robe?!  This is so weird.  Did Mennonites make this?  He’s the only one in a white robe.  All the rest are in color-coordinated white and red.  What is his deal?!  This entire video has led me to so many questions.  I should not overanalyze this, but it’s impossible.  There are just too many things I wanna know.

Let me know what you all think in the Comments.  And if any of you find these people, send them this post and have them explain this to me, because I absolutely have to know.

Until next time a quote,

“I tried being normal once.  Worst two minutes of my life.” – Anonymous

Peace out,

Maverick

Please Stop This Stupid Battle (A response to Kathy Griffin)

What do you do if you are an aging “comedian” whose relevancy has long since passed and you weren’t all that funny to begin with?  Easy – stir up controversy.  She’s not the first to do it, won’t be the last.  In this case, it was by making a video where she holds up a fake decapitated bloody head of Trump.  Riffing on Manson, I see.  Just like Amy Schumer, a woman steals material from a man and nobody calls them out for it.  I just love when it’s female comedians.  When Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook did it, their careers were effectively destroyed.  When these two women do it it’s radio silence.  Hell, hasn’t been a word about how unoriginal that creepy harpy is for her publicity stunt.

After that blew up in her face, what do you think the logical thing to do would be?  Maybe just sit back and wait it out?  Hope that if people don’t pay attention long enough that they’ll forget?  Not a bad idea.  The Internet has a short attention span.  President Trump is a continuous supply of golden material to make fun of.  The guy is fucking bananas, after all.  But nope!  She couldn’t even have the common sense to do that.  Instead, she went out and hired herself a lawyer and organized a big public event where she says that her career has been ruined and she attacks Trump for ruining her life.  Not only that, but she recently came out and said that it’s because of sexism that she is in the doghouse right now.  Really?  It’s because of sexism that people don’t like you anymore?  Not this stupid stunt that you did for the express purpose of ruffling people’s feathers?  You knew EXACTLY what you were doing!  Hell, you said as much in the apology video that you did.  You said that the goal here was to rile people up and do something tasteless, but it backfired and you were sorry.  Could have just left it there.  But no, now you hired a lawyer and are crying that you are the victim here.

What is it with people who do stupid shit and then have to cry tears about what victims they are of the results?  We’ve seen it time and time again.  From the unending salt mine that is the entire modern video catalog of Steve Shives, to the crying foul from Milo Stewart after she went out of her way to say inflammatory things.  People on the far left have a bad habit of doing really stupid shit and then crying the blues about how they are the victims of not their bad behavior, but instead everyone else.  See how well that’s working for Hillary Clinton.  She recently said that the reason she lost is because of the DNC.  Oh really?!  The people who rigged the primary for you are the ones responsible for why you lost?  The ego on that cunt-rag never ceases to amaze.  It’s everyone’s fault but her own.  A trait that Kathy Griffin seems to share.

But the truth is, Kathy, you brought this on yourself.  And this is coming from someone who doesn’t think what you did is that bad.  I actually think that you are being unfairly vilified by the media.  And the conservative reaction has been the definition of retarded.  I mean, as bad as ISIS?  Come the fuck on.  Yeah, because that head she held up was real, right?  The one that ISIS held up is.  Oh, wait, Trump’s retarded kid Baron thought it was.  Never mind, because no he didn’t.  That story is bullshit.  If that kid believes this his father, who is the President of the United States with a constant detail of Secret Service around him at all times that would notice of a hair on that rat’s nest he was out of order, wouldn’t notice that he had died then he is dumb with a capital D.  I think what you did was tasteless and stupid, but you have to go a lot further to get my dander up than some dumb stunt.  I got more annoyed at them announcing that the retarded-ass Resident Evil movies are getting a reboot than I did about you holding up that clearly fake head.

Here’s what needs to happen – you need to walk away from this.  Like, now.  You never should have called that lawyer.  Part of me can’t help but think that you are pulling a Brianna Wu and trying to take the victim narrative just so you can extend your 15 minutes of fame and get the SJW points that you feel you so rightly deserve.  Because if you can’t earn the respect of an audience, why not simply lie and play up the tragedy for cheap points?  A good tactic, if you are utterly drawn at the talent bank.  All of you want to be the next Anita Sarkeesian.  But you can’t be, because she is a very talented con artist.  You are just losers milking the fame for whatever it’s worth.

Just like with Steve Shives, this needs to stop.  You say your career is over?  If you keep this up, then it will be.  Thoroughly and completely.  Nobody will want to have you on their shows and nobody will want to have you involved in anything because they don’t want to be roped into your latest bullshit controversy that you’ll start spinning.  Maybe you’ll write a book about this someday.  Some nice revisionist history that you’ll use to cash in.  See how well that is working for Zoe Quinn and her book.  Well, she got Wil “Shut up Wesley” Wheaton to endorse it.  I bet that’s working wonders.  Be a fucking adult here, Kathy.  Just step back, be quiet for a while and the Internet will get bored.  The conservative “she’s a domestic terrorist” retards will move on to the next thing.  The longer that this narrative goes on, the worse you look.  Just let it go.

Until next time, a quote,

“Half of art is knowing when to stop.” – Arthur William Redford

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: Anime Needs More Sex (the intimate kind, not porn)

You know what I hate about anime – modern anime.  There is so much shit.  I don’t even keep track of what comes out anymore because 99% of it is pure crap.  I can hear all the sad otaku now.  “You’re just one of those hipster anime fans who say they only like old stuff!”  “Lemme guess, you only like artsy anime?”  Please.  I’m looking at one of the most thematically uncomfortable anime on the planet right now – Koi Kaze.  Am I a hipster?  I guess.  I long for the days when anime was made by fantastic people and was willing to take some risks.  I miss the days of mecha anime.  No shit, what happened to that?  I haven’t heard about an interesting mecha series in forever.  I hear they are making a third season to Code Geass, and I’m like – why?  The plot was wrapped up pretty nicely.  There wasn’t a single loose end.  Brittania was destroyed.  Lelouch united the world in hating him.  He canonized Zero as a hero of the people.  The truth about Geass was now gone and everyone who had heard it was dead or had been forcibly put under Zero’s control.  Where does the plot go from here?  Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh, right, anime needs more sex too.  I’m not talking about porn.  I’m talking about intimacy.  I’m talking about intimate relationships between characters that has them doing the deed and making it not gratuitous but instead a look at the strength of their connection.  I am so tired of anime that treats any form of romantic expression as if it’s the most daring and insane thing ever.  Maybe it’s because almost all anime have a protagonist whose balls haven’t dropped yet.  At least not that you could tell.  So many relationships in so many anime could have been made better if we got to see some romantic expression in the form of intimacy between characters.

I can already hear the counterargument – “but Lucien, it’s about the thematic elements!  You can feel the connection but it doesn’t need to be shoved in your face!”  Sometimes, sure.  I mean, FLCL had a romantic connection between the main protagonist and his roommate.  He was romantically interested in her.  There even is an episode where him and her do the metaphorical deed.  You don’t see anything, but the theme at play with two people coming together and doing it is right there.  It works especially there because the protagonists is underage.  Seeing him actually pursuining his roomie romantically would have been weird.  But other series could use more of it.

Here’s the thing, I absolutely hated the Rahxephon movie, save for one truly stand-out part – where Kamina is absolutely losing it and Haruka decides to comfort him.  There is a moment of genuine intimacy where he decides that he can’t hold back, and so he actually does it with her.  They even have a conversation after having sex and you really feel the two bonding.  I love that.  How I wish that more anime was able to just have two characters lounging around after fucking and musing about whatever.  Sharing a sexual moment and bonding afterwards.  How many of us have actually been there?  Some of the best conversations I have had were with someone I was in bed with.  Or in the back of a girl’s car.  Wherever.

It’s becoming such an overused trope where every time a boy sees a girl in an anime that he is interested in or even dating in their underwear it is treated like the most scandalous thing.  Why?  I mean, if it’s some girl you aren’t dating, that makes some sense.  But when I see it done with characters who are couples, that drives me up on the wall.  What if she wants him to see her in her underwear?  Why do all the women in these series act like being seen in their fun clothes as such an insult?  If the guy is being a perv, absolutely.  If the dude just happened up on it, though, how is that on him?  I see all these beta males getting fucked up by the females all for seeing something completely on accident, often with them making apologies for their actions because they do feel ashamed for it.

I’m not saying that every series need to have characters fucking.  Since so much of anime is about teenagers, that is kinda weird.  But when I was watching the first (and only good) season of Darker Than Black, I got to thinking – wouldn’t it make more sense for these two characters actually liking each other if they were hooking up?  I mean, she’s a police officer, he’s a college student.  It would make sense if they went out and hooked up and maybe got to talking.  We are supposed to buy a relationship between them out of them going out and playing in the batting cages?  I don’t think so.  Call it my American sensibilities, but are we really going to say the Japanese don’t have any kind of casual sex culture?  Well, given that the population is starting to drop there and how the males of that culture are terrified of females, maybe.  Shit.  That’s grim.

Or like in Stein’s Gate, where you have Okarin and his companion making out.  It’s a great scene (aside from the TERRIBLE music in it.  It honestly would have been better without it), but I kinda would have liked to see maybe the two having a heart-to-heart after getting physical.  There was a running line up ’til then about both of them being virgins.  How touching would it have been if they lost their virginity to one-another, right before Okarin has to sacrifice her to save his best friend?  I can see them just laying in bed, with that witty dialogue between the two about the cruel nature of life and how they have this one chance to bridge the gap between them and must savor it forever.  There is some subtle implication that that is what happened between the scene with them making out and later that evening as she is leaving, but I don’t know.  Kinda wanna know what those two talk about post-sex.  Bet it would be fascinating.

My point is can we have some more mature relationships, and get to see some of that be expressed?  I don’t want it to be obscene.  Unless that is being used to make a point.  Like a couple who has a very untethered and violent relationship.  Kind of the Joker and Harley sort of deal.  That could be interesting.  But can we not treat every kiss or seeing of a female in underwear like it is the end of the world?  I cannot wait to see the comments I get about how I am insulting Japanese culture or some dumb thing.

Until next time, a quote,

“Intimacy brings understanding.  And passion is nice wherever you can find it.” – Yeoman Kelly Chambers, Mass Effect 2

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Unpopular Opinion: I Don’t Care About the Beheaded Trump Pic

The land of outrage culture is never lacking in things to lose its shit about, is it?  I swear, I can’t go a single day without seeing a ton of people getting all up in arms about whatever stupid bullshit it is for people to get upset about.  I’m to the point where to even register on my list of things that illicit a reaction you have to work pretty hard.  Today’s bullshit dujour is a pic that Kathy Griffin decided to shamelessly rip off of Marilyn Manson holding the decapitated head of Donald Trump.  Yeah, can we actually get mad at that?  The fucking ginger straight-up stole that idea from Manson.  I hate how she is riding what should have been his thunder.  But whatever.  If Amy Schumer can rob other people’s material and not get called out on it surely Kathy Griffin can too.  The pic has her with some vacant expression on her face.  As expected, the Internet has lost its collective shit.

Here is where my unpopular opinion comes in – who cares?  As always, I can hear the counter-arguments.  “But Lucien, if it was a conservative with Hillary Clinton people would be losing their minds!”  Sure.  Your point?  People are losing their minds now.  This is the EXACT same reaction the left would have.  Only difference is that it’s the right who is getting to get all butthurt.  I mean, maybe the reaction would be a little louder if it was Shillary’s decapitated head on display.  After all, even the right is disillusioned with Trump at this point.  The guy is fucking bananas.  Still, the fact that the left would lose its collective shit if it was the other way around doesn’t help your argument.  I see both sides as immature and fucking stupid.

“But Lucien, that is not a joke!  Would you joke about killing someone?”  Yeah, actually.  I can even do you one better.  Heard a joke yesterday that has had me tickled pink.  It goes like this – “My girl told me to treat her like a princess, so I put her in a Mercedes and slammed it into a wall.”  Not only did I joke about Princess Di being killed, but also about killing another person to make that joke.  Boom!  Two dead people in a joke.  Joking about people being dead or killing people doesn’t bother me in the slightest.  I see too many people posting “edgy” shit for it to register beyond the fact that I am more annoyed that Manson did it first and everyone is crediting this ginger for it.  Screw that!

However, my absolute favorite counter-argument was something some conservative idiot posted where he put up that pic and a pic of ISIS holding a head and saying they don’t see the difference.  Oh really?  No difference at all?  Let me help with that – the head that the ISIS person is holding up is real.  I think that’s a pretty big fucking difference.  Don’t you?  People who buy into that logic baffle me in how dumb they are.  I honestly can say that my mind is blown.  Nobody can be that stupid.  Not one person.

The funniest part of all this – the ginger apologized.  Not for stealing Manson’s thunder, but for making this joke.  Can ANYONE in the world of “entertainment” have some fucking balls?  I hate how we have to be so PC and unoffensive in order to have a career anymore.  Just once I wish there was a celebrity who did something outright offensive (real offensive, not this “edgy” bullshit.  I’m talking saying racist shit and doing it while engaging in an ethnic stereotype) and when everyone was expecting the apology, they said something even worse.  Just so the Internet would melt down as the stupid masses didn’t get the apology that they believe they are owed.

What are my thoughts on all this – it’s a joke.  A stupid, “edgy” joke.  Is it outrageous?  Yeah.  Does it offend me?  No.  You have to work pretty goddamn hard to offend me.  I am genuinely trying to think of what could offend me.  You could have some video of a pic of George Carlin getting shit on and I still wouldn’t be offended.  I’d see it as some idiot being “edgy.”  Same as I do with this.  Not to mention how lazy it is.  Manson went all the way with a fake corpse and a ton of fake blood.  The ginger couldn’t be bothered past just a vacant expression and a very fake head.

To all of you losing your collective shit, shut the fuck up.  You are all idiots.  This was a vapid, in poor taste joke and that was not a coincidence.  For those making the equivalence argument, that doesn’t make the people getting offended look worse.  It makes you all look stupid as fuck.  Finally, to those who actually believe that this is on par with ISIS propaganda, you are fucking retarded to a level that blows my mind.

Until next time, a quote,

“If you fall, I’ll be there.” – The Ground

Peace out,

Maverick

Hollywood Needs to Stop Making Remakes

I am so bored with movies these days.  Between the endless sequels, and the unending reboots and remakes, why should I go to the theaters when I can just as easily not watch those films at home?  Not even going to see the next Star Wars.  Finally got around to watching Rogue One.  It sucked.  It was boring.  I’ll admit that it made the Rebels kind of look like terrorists, which is how I always saw them so that worked out nicely, but the rest was boring.  Everyone tells me that Episode VII was so awesome.  You know what I see when I saw that film?  I’ll tell you – a really poorly hidden remake of the original film.  That’s it.  It’s a remake of the first film, but with a chick.  I am not impressed.

Which brings me to my latest bit of news that I saw – the Baywatch film has flopped.  What a shock.  When I saw the ads for this movie, I was genuinely confused.  I never even watched the show, but I remember what the draw for it was back in the day – Pamela Anderson and her really big tits bouncing in swimsuits along with Carmen Electra.  It wasn’t that hard.  To be able to remake this concept should be simple.  Granted, in today’s politically correct charged society, I do wonder if people would gravitate toward a film with hot women and big tits in swimsuits, but I bet it would still sell well.  However, that isn’t what they did, is it?  No, instead we got some kind of buddy-comedy with The Rock and some other fuck who I don’t really know or care who they are.  Wait, what?  I saw only one ad with hot women and they didn’t exactly have huge tits bouncing.  Why is there no bouncing?  Where are the big boobs?  In that moment, I realized what had happened.

The Hollywood machine got its claws into that film, and it became the latest in the series of poor decisions that they have made when remaking something to not even give the slightest of fucks about what the draw was to the source material.  Instead they have to make it some bullshit that trades simply in name recognition.  Because hey, why not sweep the bottom of the barrel?  To be fair, that was pretty much what the show was.  It was porn without the porn.  Hot bouncing tits under the skimpy clothes.  The shoe was to give guys boners.  Sure, there were some hot dudes in there too just to get the ladies all moistened, but we all remember the ads.  This was for the lowest common denominator.  But the series was aware of that.  There was no question about it.  Same way Magic Mike was about the lowest common female denominator.

Hollywood has this habit lately of taking properties with name recognition and deciding to remake or reboot it while not even beginning to remember what drew people to it in the first place.  For example – did you see that the remake of Jumanji is coming out in the next year or so?  Oh boy.  The poster for it looks retarded beyond belief, and it’s another film that The Rock can add his name to that is stupid in the extreme, but it’s happening.  Another CG orgy that will totally miss the practical effects which help cover the original film’s terrible animations that have not aged well at all.  Not to mention it shits on Robin Williams’ legacy when he was at his peak.  But Hollywood clearly doesn’t care about that.  They are remaking The Crow, after all.  A classic superhero film that Brandon Lee gave his life for.  The lasting piece of his legacy.  I refuse to see that movie.  Period.  I will not give Hollywood money for spitting on the death of a man who tried to do something amazing.  Especially after they ruined the sequel to the film – City of Angels.  Take a look at the link I attached.  The story of a truly great film that will never be just hurts me inside.

What can we learn about all these remakes and reboots?  First – Hollywood is out of ideas.  Instead of making original content to give to the masses, they give the same recycled bullshit that they know will make a shit-ton of money.  Since the masses clearly as stupid as fuck, they will see whatever new superhero film it is.  Not me.  After one of the staff at DC came out and said that the Wonder Woman film wasn’t going to be any better than Batman v Superman or Suicide Squad, I won’t even be Netflixing that shit.  20th Century Fox decided to take a risk with two R-rated superhero films that actually did justice to their source material.  Both of which were incredible films.  Both of which were sleeper hits that brought in massive critical and widespread acclaim.  Part of me hopes that Disney will take notice and hand some of their properties off to their subsidiary studios under their umbrella and make a few with their properties.  That’s how they were able to distribute Princess Mononoke, even though it was a VERY violent Miyazaki film.  I doubt it will happen, but a man can dream.  At the very least Disney knows when to begin to step back from superhero films after Infinity War is done.  Props to that.  The MCU had a good run, now it can have a legacy.

The next thing we can learn is that truly amazing films are being passed over.  My favorite film of 2016 was a genuinely smart science fiction film called Arrival.  It was made by Denis Villeneuve, who made Sicario and Incendes.  Both of which were also incredible.  I am a little apprehensive about what the sequel to Blade Runner is going to be, but at least it is in the hands of a competent director.  That’s more than a lot of films can say.  How many films like Arrival are being passed over because they may not sell as much.  I just found out that there is an anime adaptation film being made that probably none of you has heard about it.  It is being personally financed by James Cameron, who has wanted to see a film adaptation of it made for 17 years!  That’s pretty hardcore.  It is already in production.  $200 million has been spent on it.  Don’t have any idea what I’m talking about?  I don’t blame you.  This film is so far under the radar to border on non-existence.  It’s being directed by Robert Rodriguez, and stars Michelle Rodriguez and Christoph Waltz, along with Jennifer Connolly and other big names.  Still don’t know?  It’s called Battle Angel.  A manga that James Cameron was in love with and as I said has been trying to make into a film for 17 years.  Maybe after how hard Ghost in the Shell flopped, they want to keep this under wraps.  Hard to say.

Lastly, the thing we can take away is that Hollywood is bleeding money.  After all, the best they can do is churn out films that are basically tailor-made to do well overseas.  Seems the Asian markets will eat up whatever crap we put out, so long as it has white people kicking ass.  All the SJWs talking about “white-washing” don’t mean much to the markets that have made films that outright sucked like the Transformers sequels into massive successes.  Goes to show – Anita Sarkeesian and her ilk don’t know what the fuck they are talking about.  Shocking, I know.

In the meantime, Hollywood needs to stop remaking movies.  I am hoping that with the failure of films like this and the failure of movies like Ghostbusters (2016), they are starting to see the tide on this crap turning.  Exploiting nostalgic name-recognition isn’t how you sell movies.  If anything, it just reminds cynics like me what we loved the originals so much.

Until next time, a quote,

“Work is making a living out of being bored.” – Karl Lagerfeld

Peace out,

Maverick