I decided that I’m bored, and I haven’t been able to feed my misanthropy enough lately. See, I just moved to this other department in my job so I get to be away from the people on the phone. It’s pretty great stuff. Fun crew, so much less stress, and I get to come home feeling like I am alive. Life’s not too bad, but I suppose I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And since I am looking to feed my misanthropy, I decided to look into some advice columns featuring the worst that sapient life has to offer. I found one that got me thinking that there are women out there who need to slip and fall into a volcano. Or, you know, be pushed. Whichever. Let’s respond to this woman’s question!
Dear Person who actually cares about me and my problem,
I’m 22 and have been dating a famous local businessman for a year and a half. He’s 42 and my first serious boyfriend, so I’m very attached. But we’ve had our ups and downs. First: He was afraid to publicly announce he was seeing a girl as young as I am so soon after his divorce. (This insulted me, but I got over it.) Second: He dumped me during a business “crisis” with a two-line e-mail! Then when he tried to win me back, I stopped him cold in his tracks and left for Scotland.
The lifestyles of the rich and famous. Is this what famous people have to worry about in their relationships? I mean yeah, a Dear John email seems kind of low. You didn’t write what it was that you broke up over. Maybe it’s because you’re insane. Or petty. Or the fact that there’s this HUGE age difference between you and you may not work together. I gave up on love years ago, but I’m at a point in my life where the young women I am meeting are in their early 20’s and there are life references that hold weight for me that don’t for them. With an age difference of 20 years, I can’t imagine what it’s like for the two of you.
Also, he didn’t publicly announce that he’s dating a woman half his age and you are insulted by that? This is something about the world of social media that drives me nuts. Everybody has to be so damn public about everything. Why? Why is it better to have your entire relationship out for the entire fucking world to see? This baffles me. Maybe that’s what the breaking point was in their relationship. Makes sense to me.
He flew to Scotland and proposed in the most romantic way with a huge five-carat diamond! I said yes, though I thought the ring looked slightly wrong somehow. He makes over $750,000 a year, so I was worried he’d been ripped off by some shady jewelry store. When I returned to L.A., I found out from my jeweler that the ring was a FAKE! It was humiliating. I’d already shown it to family, friends—everyone!
What a materialistic bitch. I feel so sorry for this guy. He has the money to drop everything and go to Scotland on a whim to try and win you back. He proposes and gives you a ring with a huge engagement stone. This all appeared to be very romantic. Now here you are bitching about the fact that the gem isn’t a real diamond. For a 22 year old woman, you certainly are unfathomably picky. Again, this feels like the complaining of the rich and famous. I mean, is all that matters to you how much this guy makes? I feel worse for this guy than I ever will for you.
First he tried to lie about it, then he said he couldn’t afford the $100,000 ring he really wanted to get me, so he’d had a copy made. The next day he took me to the store and bought me a nice ring for $4,700—two months’ salary for a 23-year-old guy. Whatever. He says he loves me. I still think it’s a crappy thing to do. So do I stay engaged or not?
– Seriously Bummed Basic Bitch
Hey dude, if you’re ever reading this – break it of with this woman! She is not worth it. She clearly is into your because of your money. You go through a heart-felt proposal and all she cares about is the ring. I can dream of having enough money to be able to afford a ring that costs $4,700. She wants a ring that costs $100,000.
A girly-mate and I were talking about a woman she follows on YouTube who has a really wealthy husband and sells the crap he buys for her. She makes a ton of money selling stuff she doesn’t like anymore from a guy she married for her money. My friend asked me if I believe that such people can be happy. I suppose on some level I have to admit that they probably are happy, but on another level I have to wonder about that. Why? Because here we have this woman on an advice column bitching about the nature of an engagement ring more made that the stone is fake. She said the ring is fake. Not true, bimbo! The stone is fake. The ring is real. The emotions may be real. But the stone is fake, and that’s all that matters to you.
You are heartless. You are worthless. All that matters to you is what you own and how it makes you look to the people in your life. I cannot hate you more if I tried. I may think that some of the people at my job who I’ve had to talk to on the phone are petty and pathetic, but you take the cake. Because at least they have kids to take care of and I can see how hard that would be. You, on the other hand, have no real problems and all you care about is the shit you own. I hope he buys you a massive gemstone. So big that it can be attached to a chain. One that he puts on your ankle, and then kicks you off a cliff into the ocean, where that gorgeous, massive gemstone pulls you down into the depths, never to be heard from again. Die with a stone that truly is worth $100,000.
Until next time, a quote,
“The things you own, end up owning you.” – Tyler Durden, Fight Club