Really Good Bad Advice: Number Five

I decided that I’m bored, and I haven’t been able to feed my misanthropy enough lately.  See, I just moved to this other department in my job so I get to be away from the people on the phone.  It’s pretty great stuff.  Fun crew, so much less stress, and I get to come home feeling like I am alive.  Life’s not too bad, but I suppose I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And since I am looking to feed my misanthropy, I decided to look into some advice columns featuring the worst that sapient life has to offer.  I found one that got me thinking that there are women out there who need to slip and fall into a volcano.  Or, you know, be pushed.  Whichever.  Let’s respond to this woman’s question!

Dear Person who actually cares about me and my problem,

I’m 22 and have been dating a famous local businessman for a year and a half. He’s 42 and my first serious boyfriend, so I’m very attached. But we’ve had our ups and downs. First: He was afraid to publicly announce he was seeing a girl as young as I am so soon after his divorce. (This insulted me, but I got over it.) Second: He dumped me during a business “crisis” with a two-line e-mail! Then when he tried to win me back, I stopped him cold in his tracks and left for Scotland.

The lifestyles of the rich and famous.  Is this what famous people have to worry about in their relationships?  I mean yeah, a Dear John email seems kind of low.  You didn’t write what it was that you broke up over.  Maybe it’s because you’re insane.  Or petty.  Or the fact that there’s this HUGE age difference between you and you may not work together.  I gave up on love years ago, but I’m at a point in my life where the young women I am meeting are in their early 20’s and there are life references that hold weight for me that don’t for them.  With an age difference of 20 years, I can’t imagine what it’s like for the two of you.

Also, he didn’t publicly announce that he’s dating a woman half his age and you are insulted by that?  This is something about the world of social media that drives me nuts.  Everybody has to be so damn public about everything.  Why?  Why is it better to have your entire relationship out for the entire fucking world to see?  This baffles me.  Maybe that’s what the breaking point was in their relationship.  Makes sense to me.

He flew to Scotland and proposed in the most romantic way with a huge five-carat diamond! I said yes, though I thought the ring looked slightly wrong somehow. He makes over $750,000 a year, so I was worried he’d been ripped off by some shady jewelry store. When I returned to L.A., I found out from my jeweler that the ring was a FAKE! It was humiliating. I’d already shown it to family, friends—everyone!

What a materialistic bitch.  I feel so sorry for this guy.  He has the money to drop everything and go to Scotland on a whim to try and win you back.  He proposes and gives you a ring with a huge engagement stone.  This all appeared to be very romantic.  Now here you are bitching about the fact that the gem isn’t a real diamond.  For a 22 year old woman, you certainly are unfathomably picky.  Again, this feels like the complaining of the rich and famous.  I mean, is all that matters to you how much this guy makes?  I feel worse for this guy than I ever will for you.

First he tried to lie about it, then he said he couldn’t afford the $100,000 ring he really wanted to get me, so he’d had a copy made. The next day he took me to the store and bought me a nice ring for $4,700—two months’ salary for a 23-year-old guy. Whatever. He says he loves me. I still think it’s a crappy thing to do. So do I stay engaged or not?

– Seriously Bummed Basic Bitch

Hey dude, if you’re ever reading this – break it of with this woman!  She is not worth it.  She clearly is into your because of your money.  You go through a heart-felt proposal and all she cares about is the ring.  I can dream of having enough money to be able to afford a ring that costs $4,700.  She wants a ring that costs $100,000.

A girly-mate and I were talking about a woman she follows on YouTube who has a really wealthy husband and sells the crap he buys for her.  She makes a ton of money selling stuff she doesn’t like anymore from a guy she married for her money.  My friend asked me if I believe that such people can be happy.  I suppose on some level I have to admit that they probably are happy, but on another level I have to wonder about that.  Why?  Because here we have this woman on an advice column bitching about the nature of an engagement ring more made that the stone is fake.  She said the ring is fake.  Not true, bimbo!  The stone is fake.  The ring is real.  The emotions may be real.  But the stone is fake, and that’s all that matters to you.

You are heartless.  You are worthless.  All that matters to you is what you own and how it makes you look to the people in your life.  I cannot hate you more if I tried.  I may think that some of the people at my job who I’ve had to talk to on the phone are petty and pathetic, but you take the cake.  Because at least they have kids to take care of and I can see how hard that would be.  You, on the other hand, have no real problems and all you care about is the shit you own.  I hope he buys you a massive gemstone.  So big that it can be attached to a chain.  One that he puts on your ankle, and then kicks you off a cliff into the ocean, where that gorgeous, massive gemstone pulls you down into the depths, never to be heard from again.  Die with a stone that truly is worth $100,000.

Until next time, a quote,

“The things you own, end up owning you.” – Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Peace out,



Get a “Yes” Every Ten Minutes During Sex, or Else It’s Rape!

That’s what students in California are being taught, anyway.  That’s right, in an age where even the act of giving birth is considered rape (seriously, check this link out.  It will blow your mind), there will come a day when I honestly believe that some SJW chucklefuck is going to come out and say that vaginal penetration of any kind is rape.  Oh, wait, that’s already happened!  Now we have your tax dollars going to telling the youth of the future that if they don’t get a verbal yes at least every ten minutes, it’s rape.  Don’t believe me?!  Here’s a link to an article which goes into it!

I cannot believe that I live in an age where we have decided to eschew intimacy or being able to read your partner’s body language in favor of now a constant stream of verbal recognition of the act of sex being okay.  Hey, ladies, if you are getting hot and heavy with a guy, do you want him to continually interrupt to make sure you still want sex?  Yeah, that seems like a great time.  A girly-mate of mine I used to livestream with had this great rebuttal to this line of thinking – “if I’m having sex with someone and he keeps asking if I consent, I’m gonna tell him to get the fuck out.”

Part of me wants that app to come back.  You remember the one?  Where both parties verbally acknowledge consent of sex before having it?  So when the girl comes back later and says that it’s rape the accused would have it on record that she consented.  Because the world we live in now is one where men are always seen as the potential predator.  If the man doesn’t constantly get proof that the other party wants it, he is an animal.  Not only that, but even if he does do this, the woman can STILL come back later and say that he raped her!  I am not some MRA douche, but for the love of Groj, this is ridiculous.  I am so tired of men being treated like amoral animals who are one not getting a “yes” away from being a rapist.

You notice that this shit isn’t being said to girls?  What if the girl wanted to fuck?  Is she then required to get a verbal “yes” every ten minutes?  Well then, that means at least three of the women I have had sex with raped me!  Because they were the ones who initiated the intimate contact, so I guess that means I was the victim of rape.  Except, oh, wait, I wasn’t!  Because they could tell that I was into their sexual contact!  Just like I could read their body language and knew them well enough to know where their limits were.  But no, let’s just treat every man like they are a potential sexual predator while women are the victims.  Of course they are.  Had a feminist come into the comments of a post I linked above who totally agrees with that assertion.

The thing that bugs me most about this, besides how it vilifies one gender while placing the other on a goddamn pedestal, is the fact that we are now canonizing it in high school.  We are canonizing making students dumber!  In a time where our youth are more and more disconnected from subtlety and nuance, we are now saying “fuck body language, fuck intimacy, you need all sexual interaction to be overt to the point of stupidity.”  Hey, teenage girls in California – your schools actually think you are too stupid to be able to communicate if you are uncomfortable in a way that your partner can understand clearly.

But I can already hear the counter-argument – this is for the girls who are too afraid to say something!  Body language, you dumb fucks!  Not to mention, do you know whose not going to care if their partner is trying to signal them being uncomfortable?  Rapists!  For all the teenage boys who take this bullshit to heart, the person who actually wants to force themselves on a girl are not going to give one dusty fuck even if she says no.  I just don’t understand what the purpose of this exercise in futility is for.

Hell, that same article even makes the argument that when a girl says yes, it might still be no!  There is no winning with these fucking people!  And you know what the grand result of this sort of education is going to be?  Boys are going to stop trying to have sex with girls.  They’ll just jerk it to porn, because after all, even if a girl says yes, it can still be rape!  Boys might be horny buggers, but fear of being called a rapist is a powerful thing.  It’s already having an effect.  Universities that have this mindset propagating are seeing sex culture around campus dying off pretty fast.  Now it’s going to filter down to hormonal teenagers who desperately want sex, but don’t want to be called a rapist.

Part of me hopes this is an elaborate method for population control.  Let’s just teach all boys that even a girl who says yes can call you a rapist, and you can watch the birth rates decline like crazy.  Japan is at a point where they are about to have the first population drop in thousands of years.  You know, where the death rate overtakes the birth rate.  The rest of the First World isn’t far behind.  Man, if that is the case, then bravo, feminists.  Because after all, when no one is breeding and everyone is afraid of any kind of intimacy, feminists can have their wonderful utopia.

As for me, I don’t want to live in a world where I have to live that way.  I want a world where I can read if a girl is into it by seeing her body language and knowing her well enough to know when she is uncomfortable.  Because I don’t do one-night stands.  I want to at least like the person I am fucking.  And I feel for the generation coming up in this “progressive” world.  Because why should we teach critical thinking?  All that nuance is hard.  Best to just go with the retarded approach.

Until next time, a quote,

“I’m a firm believer in the idea that this world would not be very interesting or stimulating if we all thought and felt the same.” – TJ Kirk

Peace out,


RAB: Anime Needs More Sex (the intimate kind, not porn)

You know what I hate about anime – modern anime.  There is so much shit.  I don’t even keep track of what comes out anymore because 99% of it is pure crap.  I can hear all the sad otaku now.  “You’re just one of those hipster anime fans who say they only like old stuff!”  “Lemme guess, you only like artsy anime?”  Please.  I’m looking at one of the most thematically uncomfortable anime on the planet right now – Koi Kaze.  Am I a hipster?  I guess.  I long for the days when anime was made by fantastic people and was willing to take some risks.  I miss the days of mecha anime.  No shit, what happened to that?  I haven’t heard about an interesting mecha series in forever.  I hear they are making a third season to Code Geass, and I’m like – why?  The plot was wrapped up pretty nicely.  There wasn’t a single loose end.  Brittania was destroyed.  Lelouch united the world in hating him.  He canonized Zero as a hero of the people.  The truth about Geass was now gone and everyone who had heard it was dead or had been forcibly put under Zero’s control.  Where does the plot go from here?  Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh, right, anime needs more sex too.  I’m not talking about porn.  I’m talking about intimacy.  I’m talking about intimate relationships between characters that has them doing the deed and making it not gratuitous but instead a look at the strength of their connection.  I am so tired of anime that treats any form of romantic expression as if it’s the most daring and insane thing ever.  Maybe it’s because almost all anime have a protagonist whose balls haven’t dropped yet.  At least not that you could tell.  So many relationships in so many anime could have been made better if we got to see some romantic expression in the form of intimacy between characters.

I can already hear the counterargument – “but Lucien, it’s about the thematic elements!  You can feel the connection but it doesn’t need to be shoved in your face!”  Sometimes, sure.  I mean, FLCL had a romantic connection between the main protagonist and his roommate.  He was romantically interested in her.  There even is an episode where him and her do the metaphorical deed.  You don’t see anything, but the theme at play with two people coming together and doing it is right there.  It works especially there because the protagonists is underage.  Seeing him actually pursuining his roomie romantically would have been weird.  But other series could use more of it.

Here’s the thing, I absolutely hated the Rahxephon movie, save for one truly stand-out part – where Kamina is absolutely losing it and Haruka decides to comfort him.  There is a moment of genuine intimacy where he decides that he can’t hold back, and so he actually does it with her.  They even have a conversation after having sex and you really feel the two bonding.  I love that.  How I wish that more anime was able to just have two characters lounging around after fucking and musing about whatever.  Sharing a sexual moment and bonding afterwards.  How many of us have actually been there?  Some of the best conversations I have had were with someone I was in bed with.  Or in the back of a girl’s car.  Wherever.

It’s becoming such an overused trope where every time a boy sees a girl in an anime that he is interested in or even dating in their underwear it is treated like the most scandalous thing.  Why?  I mean, if it’s some girl you aren’t dating, that makes some sense.  But when I see it done with characters who are couples, that drives me up on the wall.  What if she wants him to see her in her underwear?  Why do all the women in these series act like being seen in their fun clothes as such an insult?  If the guy is being a perv, absolutely.  If the dude just happened up on it, though, how is that on him?  I see all these beta males getting fucked up by the females all for seeing something completely on accident, often with them making apologies for their actions because they do feel ashamed for it.

I’m not saying that every series need to have characters fucking.  Since so much of anime is about teenagers, that is kinda weird.  But when I was watching the first (and only good) season of Darker Than Black, I got to thinking – wouldn’t it make more sense for these two characters actually liking each other if they were hooking up?  I mean, she’s a police officer, he’s a college student.  It would make sense if they went out and hooked up and maybe got to talking.  We are supposed to buy a relationship between them out of them going out and playing in the batting cages?  I don’t think so.  Call it my American sensibilities, but are we really going to say the Japanese don’t have any kind of casual sex culture?  Well, given that the population is starting to drop there and how the males of that culture are terrified of females, maybe.  Shit.  That’s grim.

Or like in Stein’s Gate, where you have Okarin and his companion making out.  It’s a great scene (aside from the TERRIBLE music in it.  It honestly would have been better without it), but I kinda would have liked to see maybe the two having a heart-to-heart after getting physical.  There was a running line up ’til then about both of them being virgins.  How touching would it have been if they lost their virginity to one-another, right before Okarin has to sacrifice her to save his best friend?  I can see them just laying in bed, with that witty dialogue between the two about the cruel nature of life and how they have this one chance to bridge the gap between them and must savor it forever.  There is some subtle implication that that is what happened between the scene with them making out and later that evening as she is leaving, but I don’t know.  Kinda wanna know what those two talk about post-sex.  Bet it would be fascinating.

My point is can we have some more mature relationships, and get to see some of that be expressed?  I don’t want it to be obscene.  Unless that is being used to make a point.  Like a couple who has a very untethered and violent relationship.  Kind of the Joker and Harley sort of deal.  That could be interesting.  But can we not treat every kiss or seeing of a female in underwear like it is the end of the world?  I cannot wait to see the comments I get about how I am insulting Japanese culture or some dumb thing.

Until next time, a quote,

“Intimacy brings understanding.  And passion is nice wherever you can find it.” – Yeoman Kelly Chambers, Mass Effect 2

Peace out,


Holding Hands

She asked us out for a drink
After work
Long day
Sounded like a great idea

Perfect evening
Restaurant is fun
We only have a couple
Gotta drive home

She gets white girl wasted
So much fun
No fucks to give
All the barriers are down

Decides to stop
Good girl
But what now?
Can’t go home this buzzed

Family there
Doubles as landlords
Asks me to drive around
We can shoot the shit until it wears off

As we drive, she has idea
Takes phone out and starts shooting video
So much fun
Narrating the drive and being ridiculous

Such a fun night
Don’t want it to end
She’s so much fun!
A crazy idea, I have

A dare – livestream this!
She does it!
This night is so insane!
Might be bad, but who cares?

Then, gets more serious
We start talking about other things
And that’s when it happens
She holds my hand

Her fingers lock with mine
It’s a lover’s grip
She leans against my arm
What’s going on here?

Asking more serious questions
Asks if I love her
What can I say?
What can I possibly say?

This is wrong
She’s involved
She’s loyal
What is happening here?

We hold hands, talk into the phone camera
Goes on for hours
Why don’t I want this to end?
Feels so good

It can’t go on
When the buzz wears off, the loyalty returns
She realizes the truth
What’s happening here is wrong

We get to her home
Ask her what it meant
Holds our clutched hand to her face
Says she doesn’t know

Doesn’t know?
We’ve been holding each other like lovers for hours!
Why doesn’t she have some idea?
So damn confused

Next day, tries to avoid it
Don’t want to tell the truth
What happened between us
Who is helped by the truth

Truth comes out
She tells us the truth
Was using us
Used our loneliness to get what she wanted

It hurts, but it doesn’t
In fact, it’s still just confusing
I still loved that night
Would do it all over again in a heartbeat

However, the damage is done
She is ashamed of herself
Become awkward and distant
What has happened to us?

She’s putting distance between us
Not now!
Not after what has just been shared!

That night, and her gentle clutching hand
Will stay with me forever
But here’s the worrying part
Will I stay with her that long?

I held her hand
She held mine
She held it to her face
It was like a kiss

I don’t know what this means
Nor does she
Get the feeling everything hinges on us figuring the answer out
The question she wanted to ask

Was afraid to
Might not like the answer
Wanted to know anyway – do I love her
Answer is, maybe

She held my hand
I held hers
It was enough
For two hours, it was enough

Peace out,


Our Typical Life

The worst thing about working a job at a spaceport is the fact that you have to deal with some of the WEIRDEST people.  No joke, I’ve met people from Earth who are fucking bizarre.  They talk in funny ways, and they dress really weird.  I honestly wish they would just stay on their own planet.  They come to Mars and breathe my air whenever they disembark.  These fucking people need to go.  Honestly, they are all totally disgusting.  And don’t think that makes me a planetist.  Have you seen what they have done to their world?  After the war with the Colonies, there is insane levels of pollution orbiting, which ends up falling back to the surface and smashing into all kinds of shit.  My favorite thing that I read was when a destroyed Colony was falling toward Earth, and they had to nuke it to divert its orbit.  Then they get very upset when the fallout becomes an issue, and the EMP that precedes it knocks out their satellites.  How stupid are these people?!
I honestly wish there was some kind of wall that could go up between our planet and there’s.  I’m sure there are good people on Earth, but the bulk of them are fucking idiots.  Now, the Colonials I like.  Those people got it all figured out.  Some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.  But the damn earthlings are trouble.  I don’t bother with them as much as I can.  But being a shuttle traffic controller is what it is.  It isn’t a glamorous job, but the pay is good.  You do what you gotta do, am I right?  And it’s all worth it for what waits for me when I get home.  Because today is a special day.  For what happens as my shift is ending.

I get to the end of the terminal.  The sun is going down.  It’s there that I see her.  The love of my life.  I look at her long, flowing, dirty-blonde hair and I feel instantly better.  It’s been three weeks since I saw her last.  The price one pays for having a girlfriend that works in natural resource satellite mining.  The girl was complaining about it the whole time she was being interviewed for it.  But I could tell that she really wanted this job.  Sure, being apart sucked.  However, I knew that if I didn’t push her to get the job, she would be pissed at me for the rest of her life.  The girl spent years in the Colonies to get her engineering degree.  If she didn’t put it to work, it would have driven her nuts.  To be honest, that could have been the end of us.  Thankfully, I have the gift of foresight.  I could tell that she would be happier doing this work.  And I was right.  It made it all worth it for these moment.  The moments where she’d be waiting at the terminal.  She didn’t have to.  She could have gotten a taxi to go home.  But she was waiting there patiently, for me to get off my shift.  Almost made me not want to have this moment end.
The moment where I see her gorgeous, very long hair.  Since she doesn’t work in space, they don’t make her cut it.  One of the mining engineers who worked inside the stations.  It looks so good this long.  Granted, long hair does go everywhere when she sleeps.  Been days where it felt like I was tangled up in that hair in the morning.  Gave her shit, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Well, unless she wanted to cut it.  Can’t stop a woman with a purpose.  Guys and gals who have a girlfriend, you can back me up on this, right?  Never seen her with short hair.  Maybe that would be hot too.  She was still in uniform.  A black jumpsuit.  It was very unflattering, but it’s all good.  Like most women, she was super self-conscious.  Girl said she was fat.  Sure, there was some pudge on her.  But it is minuscule.  No joke, it’s five or ten extra pounds, at most.  The truth is that the bulk of what she has is muscle.  Mostly upper-body.  Arms that could snap me in half.  Under the pudge is plenty of muscle.  To be a mining gal, wanting to look hot.  Females.  They are the ultimate enigma.  She works with roughnecks, but wants to be a knock-out in a dress.  Which she does.  The girl looks fantastic.  And a dress shows off her fantastic bust.  Sorry, it’s a fetish.  Did this get too personal?  Oh well.  You’re still reading, so there it is.  But this does have a point.
Sitting there, looking down at her pad.  Swiping through some Net stories.  To see that beautiful face there.  I could savor that forever.  But it had to end.  She looks up, and meets my gaze.  Another moment I wish I could savor – when she brightens up and starts running over.  The girl damn-near knocks me over when she jumps into my arms.  Her lips meet mine and it’s so wonderful.  Every time.  It’s been a little over a year since she started this job, but it was always like this.  People keep asking how the two of us are able to keep our spark in the relationship going the way we do.  I think it’s because we are able to truly appreciate one-another’s company because we are apart so much.  Three weeks on, three weeks off.  That’s how it works.
She pulls back.  “Hey, babe!”
“Hey you!  Have a good trip?”
Getting down, she picks up her bag and we start walking out.  She puts her arm around mine and stays close.  “As good as an be expected.  We were having some problems with the artificial gravity of the site.  Waking up to zero-g is weird.  Worse – waking up to partial gravity.  It can make certain things weird.  Like going to the bathroom.  There were times I didn’t know if it would be turning off or not.  Worrying about seeing your own shit flying around is a scary thought.”
I burst out laughing.  We both did.  I’m sure people thought the two of us were nuts, but how can you not?!  As gross as that is, I would honestly have paid to see her reaction to it.  Bet it would have been priceless.
“Why was the gravity having issues?”
“Oh, the centrifuge is damaged.  Again!  I swear, the filters in that place must be the shittiest model we could find.  Because we can’t do on-site mining in zero-g.  So the workers are just sitting around twiddling their thumbs.  It’s frustrating.  What’s more, the whole colony could start having issues.  That’s serious.  If gravity in the whole place goes off, then tons of people are at risk.  I might end up being laid off for a few while they do extensive overhauls.”  There was a very worried tone in her voice.
“It’ll be alright, B.”
She lays her head on my arm.  “I know.  We have plenty saved up.  But I just don’t like having to worry about the future, you know?  I mean, what happens if the repairs are so extensive that we have to overhaul the colony itself?  Then I’m out of a job for a year.  Maybe more.”
“Couldn’t you get on with another company?”
She shook her head.  “I could, but I don’t want to.  This company has been good to me, and I’m not the type to jump ship at the first sign of trouble.  Besides, we have plenty saved up.  It might eat into our savings to get to Ganymede, but still.”
“I hear ya.  It’s good to be loyal.  One of the qualities I like.”  I squeeze her hand.  Girl gives me a smile.  So beautiful.
“Please tell me you have something delicious in mind for dinner!  I am starving!”
Giving her a wink.  “Don’t I always?”  That’s not just me saying that.  If I didn’t, we are screwed.  My girl has many admirable qualities.  Can’t cook to save her life.  Girl’s burned cereal.  Not even kidding.

Say that I’m being unoriginal all you want, but the thing that I was making that night was homemade pizza.  Pizza is the greatest food to ever exist.  Period.  There will never be another food like it.  The reason that neither B nor I could ever be truly thin was because we both love this food source too much.  It’s not our fault that it is the most delicious food in existence.  That’s a fact.  A life fact.  We ate and talked and enjoyed each other’s company in a way that I always missed.  When it came back, it was always like the first time.  We decided to take a shower together.
Contrary to media, sex in the shower is awkward.  Hence why we didn’t do it.  This was all about the two of us making out and enjoying each other being soapy.  Got to clean a lot of grime off of her body.  The girl was in heaven.  Plus, I got to have some fun with a little fetish of mine.  Don’t care what you think.  I have yet to hear her complain.  Which brings me to the last part of the night.
If you think that anniversary or birthday or whatever sex is good, you haven’t had it until you’ve had prolonged absence sex.  So many guys I know say that they don’t get how I can deal with not having it for weeks at a time.  They don’t know what I do – that the hottest sex I have ever had was when she would come home.  That night, every time, we would have some of the most insane fucking that humanity can possibly come up with.  Because there are weeks of sexual tension that the two of us are letting out all at once.  She can’t masturbate on site, because the employees bunk together.  My girl’s too nice to make things awkward like that.  So she has all the tension that’s been building and building all explode on me at once.  It is the most fantastic thing that has ever been or will ever be.  I love it more than life itself.  Typically because, by the end of the night, I am wondering if I am going to wake up the next day.  Not only is it hot, but it is EXHAUSTING!  You feel like you are about to die.  The girl has infinitely more energy than I do.  I don’t know how she does it.  It’s insane.
Afterwards, when the two of us are able to get back to bed (it always starts there, but almost never ends there), we just lay there.  I look out the window at the stars.  You’d think the city would have a lot of light pollution.  But since there isn’t the same kind of pollution in the atmosphere like there is on Earth, there is virtually none.  So many beautiful stars beaming down at us.  This world is so beautiful.  Terraforming Mars was the best thing that we could have done.  Laying there, with a naked woman in my arms and a skyline unlike anywhere else in the Sol system.  At least not that I’ve seen.  Who knows, I may end up getting to see something truly spectacular.  The future is never what one thinks it to be.
It’s then that I feel her fidgeting in my arms.  She’s looking up at me.
“I love you,” she whispers.
I look down at her.  “I love you too, B.  With all my heart.”
The girl buries herself into me, and I know that I am the luckiest man in the system.  Maybe the universe.  Who knows.  Maybe some alien on Grognar 9 has it better.  I’ll ask him if I meet the guy.

Until next time, a quote,

“We are not given a good life or a bad life.  We are given a life.  It’s up to us to make it good or bad.”  -Ward Foley

Lucien’s Unpopular Opinion: LGBT Characters in Fiction

There is a YouTuber named Vee who I really need to give some credit to.  I watch his videos and I often don’t finish them because his videos have given me so much to talk about.  This post is no exception.  In fact, here’s a link to his channel, just so I feel like I’m not being a complete dick to this guy.  It’s only fair to give credit where it’s due.  I wrote a long time ago about the last season of Legend of Korra.  I didn’t like it.  There was WAY too much plot crammed into far too few episodes.  They needed to space that out more.  Like having the season go to 20 episodes or something.  It was insane how crammed that was.  I didn’t like it.  It effed with the pacing and made it impossible for there to be any character development.  Which was important, considering the fact that it was clear that the villain in this season was meant to be somewhat likable.  Or at least someone where we don’t outright hate her.  She was supposed to be sympathetic.  That made sense.  Given how perfect the previous season was, it just felt like a step in the wrong direction.

The elephant in the room, though, was the big twist at the very end of the series.  A twist that had NO build-up and came right the fuck out of nowhere.  Anyone who knows how I overanalyze stuff will be able to see my opinion of this is going.  I didn’t like it.  Let me make something VERY clear – I have no problem if there is a gay, lesbian, bi, trans, whatever character in a fictional work.  For real, it doesn’t bother me at all.  But there’s a caveat to this – it has to make sense.  It has to feel like this isn’t just something being shoe-horned in to either make some political or something statement.  That’s how good story-telling works.  I have the same problem with any kind of character relationship that seems forced.  Relationships have to feel like they are building.  It has to feel like it developed over time and is real.

Let me give you an example.  Whoever the writers are at Naughty Dog studios, those people are utter geniuses.  Using only dialogue, they are able to make relationships that not only feel real, but also are ones that we can emotionally connect to.  They released a piece of DLC to their game The Last of Us where we get to meet Ellie’s friend Riley.  In the course of a DLC that takes a couple hours, not only do they introduce their relationship as friends, but you get to see it develop.  When Ellie ends up kissing Riley, that feels like it was real, because we got to know and care about these characters.  Their relationship wasn’t some forced thing to fill a quota.  Granted, Naughty Dog is very SJW friendly (a fact that has recently bit them in the ass with their latest game and a little controversy surrounding it.  Hopefully that was a lesson to them about pandering to these people), but it still didn’t feel like pandering.  This was a real relationship.  If it weren’t for the STUPID ending to the DLC with a hope speech, it would have been really touching to know that Riley is going to die.  Like if they had had it be very uncathartic.  With Ellie and her just waiting, and eventually Riley turning, while she doesn’t.  Given the emotional weight she was carrying, that would have fit.

Or hey, while we’re talking about The Last of Us, let’s talk about Joel and Ellie.  What Joel does at the end of that game is something that has a lot of gamers getting into heated debates.  I got into one myself when someone tried to postulate that it is Joel who is the real villain of the game.  I argue that he isn’t, and there’s a reason.  Over the course of this game, you see a man who became an emotional brick wall soften and have a paternal side that was long dead be woken up because of this little girl in his charge.  She becomes like a daughter to him.  When he is running with her out of the hospital, listen to what he says to her.  Compare that to what he said to his actual daughter at the very beginning, and it makes sense.  This man lost everything.  Now, he is about to lose everything again.  So he chooses to sell humanity up the river in order to save the person he cares for most.  To hold on to his regained connection to the human condition, he basically sentences humanity to death.  I kind of love that.  Not only is the moral ambiguity awesome, but it makes sense.  The reason we don’t hate Joel is because we understand why he’s doing it.  This is a man who doesn’t want to lose the only person he cares for.  It’s kind of great.  It makes Ellie’s acceptance of his lie that much more compelling, because she has her own lines that she has to make peace with.

Do you see what I’m talking about?  I legitimately do not care if there is some sexuality in a fictional work, so long as it makes sense.  Korra and Asami’s relationship came right the fuck out of nowhere.  There was no build-up.  We never saw them getting close.  Hell, the series never even committed to it anyway, so why bring it into the series at all?!  The SJW community gets all raving and shit when there is an LGBT relationship in a series.  They don’t care about context, because nuance is this weird form of witchcraft to these people.  They can look at it, but they don’t understand it.

Unpopular as it is, if there is an LGBT character in a series, and their relationship doesn’t make sense, I am going to think that it’s stupid.  Take that for what you will.

Until next time, a quote,

“Continuity does not rule out fresh approaches to fresh situations.”  -Dean Rusk

Peace out,


Really Good Bad Advice: Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is upon us again.  A stupid, corporate holiday meant to sell candy to people.  Only good thing about this holiday is the fact that tomorrow, the candy is on sale for absolutely-dick.  That’s it.  Unless you’re one of these people who is all in love and shit, this holiday is about as fun as getting cancer.  In the asshole.  Asshole cancer is more fun than getting to watch all the couples posting all the pics of their insanely extravagant celebrations, and hopefully not sharing pictures of what happens later.  After all (and this goes for both genders), the thing that everyone really is looking for at the end of Single’s Awareness Day is to get an insanely good romp in the sack.

With that in mind, I thought we would look at a couple of questions sent to an advice column that actually wants to help people and show their stupid romantic folly for what it is.  Since I despise this day and those in relationships on this day, we are turning our Assholemeter up to 11 today.  Don’t like it?  Too bad.  You haven’t left this post yet, so I assume that you’re in this for the long haul.

Dear…why is it Lucien…?

I am in an ethical quandary. Three of my friends — call them “Trish, Bill and Janet” — have become embroiled in a romantic situation that has me perplexed over what I should do.

Trish and Bill had been going out for about nine months when they befriended Janet. Janet is very lively and personable, and she rapidly became very close to both Trish and Bill. Bill gradually began spending more time with Janet and less with Trish, and about six months after meeting Janet, he broke up with Trish.

Two weeks after that, Bill and Janet became romantically involved.

The obvious implication is that Janet betrayed Trish, that she used her friendship to get close to Bill and steal him away, but the reality may not be so black and white.

Anyway, I’m closest with Trish, and she is very hurt.

How should I relate to Janet now? I don’t want to be judgmental, but if I remain friends with her, I feel disloyal to Trish.

What should I do? — Confused in Calgary

Everyone, I want you to repeat after me – women are crazy.  They can turn the most insane things into the most insane ethical battles that have a simple solution.  I don’t get how women do this, but they do.  All the time.  And every time they do, it’s with something like this.  Some stupid drama bullshit that when it’s guys, we never do this.  I swear, that bit from Family Guy about the true nature of male and female relationships is absolutely true. (linked here) And this isn’t me being sexist.  I hear this shit from women all the time!  Even they acknowledge how fucking daffy they are!  The fairer gender is touched in the head.  And not in a good way.

Already, Confused, you want to know what to do?  It’s simple – be judgmental.  It’s so obvious that that’s what you’re doing anyway, so you might as well just cut out the idea that you’re going to not do that and just own what you’re doing.  You want to judge this person harshly, but you don’t want to have to own that fact.  Stop trying to justify it on some deeper level and just be judgmental and tell that Janet bitch to piss off.  How difficult was that?

Next up, we have another woman who is showing that women are the absolute masters of making things more complicated than they need to be.

Dear person who isn’t about to belittle me for their amusement,

I am a woman in my early 20s. I just need an outside opinion as to what might be the most “normal” thing to do in my situation.

Some family friends, the “Smiths,” have a son, “Jack,” who is my age.

Jack just moved into my area. I don’t know him very well but from the little that I do know, I am interested in him and would like to get to know him better. I guess you could say that I have a little crush on him. He lives about 40 minutes away.

I have tried to include Jack in doing things with some of my friends over the past few months, but he has only been able to come with us once. He always says, sincerely, that he wants to come but is leaving town or has friends coming into town, etc.

The trouble is that now I feel kind of awkward continuing to call and invite him to do things with me. I have done it just enough times that it is kind of weird. And I don’t want to be weird. But what can I do? He has no real reason to call me because this isn’t his area and he doesn’t know many people.

Even if Jack is interested in getting to know me, too, he is too shy to call to chat or call to see if I want to do something with him.

So is it weird to just keep inviting him? Should I lay off and hope against hope that he’ll suddenly call about … something?

What is the right protocol? — Crushed in Crockett

Ladies, I’m about to give you some good, old-fashioned advice for the 21st Century.  See, there is this prevailing belief that unless a guy makes the first move, a relationship isn’t going to happen.  There can be no further steps without the male taking his.  All the bitchy feminist “slam poets” on YouTube don’t bring this up, so I am going to just tell you – if you want a guy, then fucking ask him out!  Dear Groj!  This is not so complicated!  All you have to do is be like, “hey, wanna grab a bite sometime?”  There ya go!  You have just announced your intentions.  This wasn’t that difficult.  I hate how women have to be so utterly unreasonable about this sort of thing.  It’s fucking ridiculous.

There is no argument for guys having to be the ones to make the first move, other than your personal belief that we should.  If you have that belief, then congratulations.  You stuck with your convictions.  Enjoy living with cats for the rest of your life.  Step up to the plate, ladies, or shut the hell up.

Was that nice enough for you?  Happy Single’s Awareness Day.  Make sure to like this post, and if you want, leave a comment about your own thoughts about this day.

Until next time, a quote,

“Ugh!  Come on, Chris, girls are terrible!  They’re always back-stabbing and giving each other phony compliments.”  -Meg Griffin, Family Guy

Peace out,