Holding Hands

She asked us out for a drink
After work
Long day
Sounded like a great idea

Perfect evening
Restaurant is fun
We only have a couple
Gotta drive home

She gets white girl wasted
So much fun
No fucks to give
All the barriers are down

Decides to stop
Good girl
But what now?
Can’t go home this buzzed

Family there
Doubles as landlords
Asks me to drive around
We can shoot the shit until it wears off

As we drive, she has idea
Takes phone out and starts shooting video
So much fun
Narrating the drive and being ridiculous

Such a fun night
Don’t want it to end
She’s so much fun!
A crazy idea, I have

A dare – livestream this!
She does it!
This night is so insane!
Might be bad, but who cares?

Then, gets more serious
We start talking about other things
And that’s when it happens
She holds my hand

Her fingers lock with mine
It’s a lover’s grip
She leans against my arm
What’s going on here?

Asking more serious questions
Asks if I love her
What can I say?
What can I possibly say?

This is wrong
She’s involved
She’s loyal
What is happening here?

We hold hands, talk into the phone camera
Goes on for hours
Why don’t I want this to end?
Feels so good

It can’t go on
When the buzz wears off, the loyalty returns
She realizes the truth
What’s happening here is wrong

We get to her home
Ask her what it meant
Holds our clutched hand to her face
Says she doesn’t know

Doesn’t know?
We’ve been holding each other like lovers for hours!
Why doesn’t she have some idea?
So damn confused

Next day, tries to avoid it
Don’t want to tell the truth
What happened between us
Who is helped by the truth

Truth comes out
She tells us the truth
Was using us
Used our loneliness to get what she wanted

It hurts, but it doesn’t
In fact, it’s still just confusing
I still loved that night
Would do it all over again in a heartbeat

However, the damage is done
She is ashamed of herself
Become awkward and distant
What has happened to us?

She’s putting distance between us
Not now!
Not after what has just been shared!

That night, and her gentle clutching hand
Will stay with me forever
But here’s the worrying part
Will I stay with her that long?

I held her hand
She held mine
She held it to her face
It was like a kiss

I don’t know what this means
Nor does she
Get the feeling everything hinges on us figuring the answer out
The question she wanted to ask

Was afraid to
Might not like the answer
Wanted to know anyway – do I love her
Answer is, maybe

She held my hand
I held hers
It was enough
For two hours, it was enough

Peace out,


Our Typical Life

The worst thing about working a job at a spaceport is the fact that you have to deal with some of the WEIRDEST people.  No joke, I’ve met people from Earth who are fucking bizarre.  They talk in funny ways, and they dress really weird.  I honestly wish they would just stay on their own planet.  They come to Mars and breathe my air whenever they disembark.  These fucking people need to go.  Honestly, they are all totally disgusting.  And don’t think that makes me a planetist.  Have you seen what they have done to their world?  After the war with the Colonies, there is insane levels of pollution orbiting, which ends up falling back to the surface and smashing into all kinds of shit.  My favorite thing that I read was when a destroyed Colony was falling toward Earth, and they had to nuke it to divert its orbit.  Then they get very upset when the fallout becomes an issue, and the EMP that precedes it knocks out their satellites.  How stupid are these people?!
I honestly wish there was some kind of wall that could go up between our planet and there’s.  I’m sure there are good people on Earth, but the bulk of them are fucking idiots.  Now, the Colonials I like.  Those people got it all figured out.  Some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.  But the damn earthlings are trouble.  I don’t bother with them as much as I can.  But being a shuttle traffic controller is what it is.  It isn’t a glamorous job, but the pay is good.  You do what you gotta do, am I right?  And it’s all worth it for what waits for me when I get home.  Because today is a special day.  For what happens as my shift is ending.

I get to the end of the terminal.  The sun is going down.  It’s there that I see her.  The love of my life.  I look at her long, flowing, dirty-blonde hair and I feel instantly better.  It’s been three weeks since I saw her last.  The price one pays for having a girlfriend that works in natural resource satellite mining.  The girl was complaining about it the whole time she was being interviewed for it.  But I could tell that she really wanted this job.  Sure, being apart sucked.  However, I knew that if I didn’t push her to get the job, she would be pissed at me for the rest of her life.  The girl spent years in the Colonies to get her engineering degree.  If she didn’t put it to work, it would have driven her nuts.  To be honest, that could have been the end of us.  Thankfully, I have the gift of foresight.  I could tell that she would be happier doing this work.  And I was right.  It made it all worth it for these moment.  The moments where she’d be waiting at the terminal.  She didn’t have to.  She could have gotten a taxi to go home.  But she was waiting there patiently, for me to get off my shift.  Almost made me not want to have this moment end.
The moment where I see her gorgeous, very long hair.  Since she doesn’t work in space, they don’t make her cut it.  One of the mining engineers who worked inside the stations.  It looks so good this long.  Granted, long hair does go everywhere when she sleeps.  Been days where it felt like I was tangled up in that hair in the morning.  Gave her shit, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Well, unless she wanted to cut it.  Can’t stop a woman with a purpose.  Guys and gals who have a girlfriend, you can back me up on this, right?  Never seen her with short hair.  Maybe that would be hot too.  She was still in uniform.  A black jumpsuit.  It was very unflattering, but it’s all good.  Like most women, she was super self-conscious.  Girl said she was fat.  Sure, there was some pudge on her.  But it is minuscule.  No joke, it’s five or ten extra pounds, at most.  The truth is that the bulk of what she has is muscle.  Mostly upper-body.  Arms that could snap me in half.  Under the pudge is plenty of muscle.  To be a mining gal, wanting to look hot.  Females.  They are the ultimate enigma.  She works with roughnecks, but wants to be a knock-out in a dress.  Which she does.  The girl looks fantastic.  And a dress shows off her fantastic bust.  Sorry, it’s a fetish.  Did this get too personal?  Oh well.  You’re still reading, so there it is.  But this does have a point.
Sitting there, looking down at her pad.  Swiping through some Net stories.  To see that beautiful face there.  I could savor that forever.  But it had to end.  She looks up, and meets my gaze.  Another moment I wish I could savor – when she brightens up and starts running over.  The girl damn-near knocks me over when she jumps into my arms.  Her lips meet mine and it’s so wonderful.  Every time.  It’s been a little over a year since she started this job, but it was always like this.  People keep asking how the two of us are able to keep our spark in the relationship going the way we do.  I think it’s because we are able to truly appreciate one-another’s company because we are apart so much.  Three weeks on, three weeks off.  That’s how it works.
She pulls back.  “Hey, babe!”
“Hey you!  Have a good trip?”
Getting down, she picks up her bag and we start walking out.  She puts her arm around mine and stays close.  “As good as an be expected.  We were having some problems with the artificial gravity of the site.  Waking up to zero-g is weird.  Worse – waking up to partial gravity.  It can make certain things weird.  Like going to the bathroom.  There were times I didn’t know if it would be turning off or not.  Worrying about seeing your own shit flying around is a scary thought.”
I burst out laughing.  We both did.  I’m sure people thought the two of us were nuts, but how can you not?!  As gross as that is, I would honestly have paid to see her reaction to it.  Bet it would have been priceless.
“Why was the gravity having issues?”
“Oh, the centrifuge is damaged.  Again!  I swear, the filters in that place must be the shittiest model we could find.  Because we can’t do on-site mining in zero-g.  So the workers are just sitting around twiddling their thumbs.  It’s frustrating.  What’s more, the whole colony could start having issues.  That’s serious.  If gravity in the whole place goes off, then tons of people are at risk.  I might end up being laid off for a few while they do extensive overhauls.”  There was a very worried tone in her voice.
“It’ll be alright, B.”
She lays her head on my arm.  “I know.  We have plenty saved up.  But I just don’t like having to worry about the future, you know?  I mean, what happens if the repairs are so extensive that we have to overhaul the colony itself?  Then I’m out of a job for a year.  Maybe more.”
“Couldn’t you get on with another company?”
She shook her head.  “I could, but I don’t want to.  This company has been good to me, and I’m not the type to jump ship at the first sign of trouble.  Besides, we have plenty saved up.  It might eat into our savings to get to Ganymede, but still.”
“I hear ya.  It’s good to be loyal.  One of the qualities I like.”  I squeeze her hand.  Girl gives me a smile.  So beautiful.
“Please tell me you have something delicious in mind for dinner!  I am starving!”
Giving her a wink.  “Don’t I always?”  That’s not just me saying that.  If I didn’t, we are screwed.  My girl has many admirable qualities.  Can’t cook to save her life.  Girl’s burned cereal.  Not even kidding.

Say that I’m being unoriginal all you want, but the thing that I was making that night was homemade pizza.  Pizza is the greatest food to ever exist.  Period.  There will never be another food like it.  The reason that neither B nor I could ever be truly thin was because we both love this food source too much.  It’s not our fault that it is the most delicious food in existence.  That’s a fact.  A life fact.  We ate and talked and enjoyed each other’s company in a way that I always missed.  When it came back, it was always like the first time.  We decided to take a shower together.
Contrary to media, sex in the shower is awkward.  Hence why we didn’t do it.  This was all about the two of us making out and enjoying each other being soapy.  Got to clean a lot of grime off of her body.  The girl was in heaven.  Plus, I got to have some fun with a little fetish of mine.  Don’t care what you think.  I have yet to hear her complain.  Which brings me to the last part of the night.
If you think that anniversary or birthday or whatever sex is good, you haven’t had it until you’ve had prolonged absence sex.  So many guys I know say that they don’t get how I can deal with not having it for weeks at a time.  They don’t know what I do – that the hottest sex I have ever had was when she would come home.  That night, every time, we would have some of the most insane fucking that humanity can possibly come up with.  Because there are weeks of sexual tension that the two of us are letting out all at once.  She can’t masturbate on site, because the employees bunk together.  My girl’s too nice to make things awkward like that.  So she has all the tension that’s been building and building all explode on me at once.  It is the most fantastic thing that has ever been or will ever be.  I love it more than life itself.  Typically because, by the end of the night, I am wondering if I am going to wake up the next day.  Not only is it hot, but it is EXHAUSTING!  You feel like you are about to die.  The girl has infinitely more energy than I do.  I don’t know how she does it.  It’s insane.
Afterwards, when the two of us are able to get back to bed (it always starts there, but almost never ends there), we just lay there.  I look out the window at the stars.  You’d think the city would have a lot of light pollution.  But since there isn’t the same kind of pollution in the atmosphere like there is on Earth, there is virtually none.  So many beautiful stars beaming down at us.  This world is so beautiful.  Terraforming Mars was the best thing that we could have done.  Laying there, with a naked woman in my arms and a skyline unlike anywhere else in the Sol system.  At least not that I’ve seen.  Who knows, I may end up getting to see something truly spectacular.  The future is never what one thinks it to be.
It’s then that I feel her fidgeting in my arms.  She’s looking up at me.
“I love you,” she whispers.
I look down at her.  “I love you too, B.  With all my heart.”
The girl buries herself into me, and I know that I am the luckiest man in the system.  Maybe the universe.  Who knows.  Maybe some alien on Grognar 9 has it better.  I’ll ask him if I meet the guy.

Until next time, a quote,

“We are not given a good life or a bad life.  We are given a life.  It’s up to us to make it good or bad.”  -Ward Foley

Lucien’s Unpopular Opinion: LGBT Characters in Fiction

There is a YouTuber named Vee who I really need to give some credit to.  I watch his videos and I often don’t finish them because his videos have given me so much to talk about.  This post is no exception.  In fact, here’s a link to his channel, just so I feel like I’m not being a complete dick to this guy.  It’s only fair to give credit where it’s due.  I wrote a long time ago about the last season of Legend of Korra.  I didn’t like it.  There was WAY too much plot crammed into far too few episodes.  They needed to space that out more.  Like having the season go to 20 episodes or something.  It was insane how crammed that was.  I didn’t like it.  It effed with the pacing and made it impossible for there to be any character development.  Which was important, considering the fact that it was clear that the villain in this season was meant to be somewhat likable.  Or at least someone where we don’t outright hate her.  She was supposed to be sympathetic.  That made sense.  Given how perfect the previous season was, it just felt like a step in the wrong direction.

The elephant in the room, though, was the big twist at the very end of the series.  A twist that had NO build-up and came right the fuck out of nowhere.  Anyone who knows how I overanalyze stuff will be able to see my opinion of this is going.  I didn’t like it.  Let me make something VERY clear – I have no problem if there is a gay, lesbian, bi, trans, whatever character in a fictional work.  For real, it doesn’t bother me at all.  But there’s a caveat to this – it has to make sense.  It has to feel like this isn’t just something being shoe-horned in to either make some political or something statement.  That’s how good story-telling works.  I have the same problem with any kind of character relationship that seems forced.  Relationships have to feel like they are building.  It has to feel like it developed over time and is real.

Let me give you an example.  Whoever the writers are at Naughty Dog studios, those people are utter geniuses.  Using only dialogue, they are able to make relationships that not only feel real, but also are ones that we can emotionally connect to.  They released a piece of DLC to their game The Last of Us where we get to meet Ellie’s friend Riley.  In the course of a DLC that takes a couple hours, not only do they introduce their relationship as friends, but you get to see it develop.  When Ellie ends up kissing Riley, that feels like it was real, because we got to know and care about these characters.  Their relationship wasn’t some forced thing to fill a quota.  Granted, Naughty Dog is very SJW friendly (a fact that has recently bit them in the ass with their latest game and a little controversy surrounding it.  Hopefully that was a lesson to them about pandering to these people), but it still didn’t feel like pandering.  This was a real relationship.  If it weren’t for the STUPID ending to the DLC with a hope speech, it would have been really touching to know that Riley is going to die.  Like if they had had it be very uncathartic.  With Ellie and her just waiting, and eventually Riley turning, while she doesn’t.  Given the emotional weight she was carrying, that would have fit.

Or hey, while we’re talking about The Last of Us, let’s talk about Joel and Ellie.  What Joel does at the end of that game is something that has a lot of gamers getting into heated debates.  I got into one myself when someone tried to postulate that it is Joel who is the real villain of the game.  I argue that he isn’t, and there’s a reason.  Over the course of this game, you see a man who became an emotional brick wall soften and have a paternal side that was long dead be woken up because of this little girl in his charge.  She becomes like a daughter to him.  When he is running with her out of the hospital, listen to what he says to her.  Compare that to what he said to his actual daughter at the very beginning, and it makes sense.  This man lost everything.  Now, he is about to lose everything again.  So he chooses to sell humanity up the river in order to save the person he cares for most.  To hold on to his regained connection to the human condition, he basically sentences humanity to death.  I kind of love that.  Not only is the moral ambiguity awesome, but it makes sense.  The reason we don’t hate Joel is because we understand why he’s doing it.  This is a man who doesn’t want to lose the only person he cares for.  It’s kind of great.  It makes Ellie’s acceptance of his lie that much more compelling, because she has her own lines that she has to make peace with.

Do you see what I’m talking about?  I legitimately do not care if there is some sexuality in a fictional work, so long as it makes sense.  Korra and Asami’s relationship came right the fuck out of nowhere.  There was no build-up.  We never saw them getting close.  Hell, the series never even committed to it anyway, so why bring it into the series at all?!  The SJW community gets all raving and shit when there is an LGBT relationship in a series.  They don’t care about context, because nuance is this weird form of witchcraft to these people.  They can look at it, but they don’t understand it.

Unpopular as it is, if there is an LGBT character in a series, and their relationship doesn’t make sense, I am going to think that it’s stupid.  Take that for what you will.

Until next time, a quote,

“Continuity does not rule out fresh approaches to fresh situations.”  -Dean Rusk

Peace out,


Really Good Bad Advice: Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is upon us again.  A stupid, corporate holiday meant to sell candy to people.  Only good thing about this holiday is the fact that tomorrow, the candy is on sale for absolutely-dick.  That’s it.  Unless you’re one of these people who is all in love and shit, this holiday is about as fun as getting cancer.  In the asshole.  Asshole cancer is more fun than getting to watch all the couples posting all the pics of their insanely extravagant celebrations, and hopefully not sharing pictures of what happens later.  After all (and this goes for both genders), the thing that everyone really is looking for at the end of Single’s Awareness Day is to get an insanely good romp in the sack.

With that in mind, I thought we would look at a couple of questions sent to an advice column that actually wants to help people and show their stupid romantic folly for what it is.  Since I despise this day and those in relationships on this day, we are turning our Assholemeter up to 11 today.  Don’t like it?  Too bad.  You haven’t left this post yet, so I assume that you’re in this for the long haul.

Dear…why is it Lucien…?

I am in an ethical quandary. Three of my friends — call them “Trish, Bill and Janet” — have become embroiled in a romantic situation that has me perplexed over what I should do.

Trish and Bill had been going out for about nine months when they befriended Janet. Janet is very lively and personable, and she rapidly became very close to both Trish and Bill. Bill gradually began spending more time with Janet and less with Trish, and about six months after meeting Janet, he broke up with Trish.

Two weeks after that, Bill and Janet became romantically involved.

The obvious implication is that Janet betrayed Trish, that she used her friendship to get close to Bill and steal him away, but the reality may not be so black and white.

Anyway, I’m closest with Trish, and she is very hurt.

How should I relate to Janet now? I don’t want to be judgmental, but if I remain friends with her, I feel disloyal to Trish.

What should I do? — Confused in Calgary

Everyone, I want you to repeat after me – women are crazy.  They can turn the most insane things into the most insane ethical battles that have a simple solution.  I don’t get how women do this, but they do.  All the time.  And every time they do, it’s with something like this.  Some stupid drama bullshit that when it’s guys, we never do this.  I swear, that bit from Family Guy about the true nature of male and female relationships is absolutely true. (linked here) And this isn’t me being sexist.  I hear this shit from women all the time!  Even they acknowledge how fucking daffy they are!  The fairer gender is touched in the head.  And not in a good way.

Already, Confused, you want to know what to do?  It’s simple – be judgmental.  It’s so obvious that that’s what you’re doing anyway, so you might as well just cut out the idea that you’re going to not do that and just own what you’re doing.  You want to judge this person harshly, but you don’t want to have to own that fact.  Stop trying to justify it on some deeper level and just be judgmental and tell that Janet bitch to piss off.  How difficult was that?

Next up, we have another woman who is showing that women are the absolute masters of making things more complicated than they need to be.

Dear person who isn’t about to belittle me for their amusement,

I am a woman in my early 20s. I just need an outside opinion as to what might be the most “normal” thing to do in my situation.

Some family friends, the “Smiths,” have a son, “Jack,” who is my age.

Jack just moved into my area. I don’t know him very well but from the little that I do know, I am interested in him and would like to get to know him better. I guess you could say that I have a little crush on him. He lives about 40 minutes away.

I have tried to include Jack in doing things with some of my friends over the past few months, but he has only been able to come with us once. He always says, sincerely, that he wants to come but is leaving town or has friends coming into town, etc.

The trouble is that now I feel kind of awkward continuing to call and invite him to do things with me. I have done it just enough times that it is kind of weird. And I don’t want to be weird. But what can I do? He has no real reason to call me because this isn’t his area and he doesn’t know many people.

Even if Jack is interested in getting to know me, too, he is too shy to call to chat or call to see if I want to do something with him.

So is it weird to just keep inviting him? Should I lay off and hope against hope that he’ll suddenly call about … something?

What is the right protocol? — Crushed in Crockett

Ladies, I’m about to give you some good, old-fashioned advice for the 21st Century.  See, there is this prevailing belief that unless a guy makes the first move, a relationship isn’t going to happen.  There can be no further steps without the male taking his.  All the bitchy feminist “slam poets” on YouTube don’t bring this up, so I am going to just tell you – if you want a guy, then fucking ask him out!  Dear Groj!  This is not so complicated!  All you have to do is be like, “hey, wanna grab a bite sometime?”  There ya go!  You have just announced your intentions.  This wasn’t that difficult.  I hate how women have to be so utterly unreasonable about this sort of thing.  It’s fucking ridiculous.

There is no argument for guys having to be the ones to make the first move, other than your personal belief that we should.  If you have that belief, then congratulations.  You stuck with your convictions.  Enjoy living with cats for the rest of your life.  Step up to the plate, ladies, or shut the hell up.

Was that nice enough for you?  Happy Single’s Awareness Day.  Make sure to like this post, and if you want, leave a comment about your own thoughts about this day.

Until next time, a quote,

“Ugh!  Come on, Chris, girls are terrible!  They’re always back-stabbing and giving each other phony compliments.”  -Meg Griffin, Family Guy

Peace out,


The Transgender Genital Debate

There was an article recently written where a transgender woman was going after straight guys, and found that they were all immediately turned off by her having male genitals.  And according to her, this is bigoted and makes her a victim.  A victim of a world that just doesn’t accept transgender people.  That’s the line.  I’ve decided that I’m going to weigh in on this, because it needs to be talked about.  The transgender community has been getting its panties in a bunch quite a bit lately, and right now is one of those times when I need to put their complaining in its place.  Because it all boils down to this – if you have a dick, straight guys don’t want you.  Plain and simple.

Is that really so shocking?  For real, does that genuinely shock you.  That men who prefer women and female genitals would be instantly turned off by male ones?  It’s like these people forget that men have sexual preferences.  Perhaps they bought into that article that says that everyone is bisexual.  That’s not true, by the way.  Not everyone is.  Some people aren’t.  It goes for both genders.  There are some women who have ZERO interest in their own gender, and same with some guys.  Same with guy-parts and lady-parts.  Some people just don’t want them.  Sexual preference is just what it is.  I guess nobody told the transgender community that.

Look, something that you need to accept, if you are going to have a gender identity, is that some people aren’t going to find that identity attractive.  Don’t like it?  Well, tough love – too bad.  Suck it up, buttercup.  So the guy you want doesn’t want you.  That’s life.  It doesn’t make him sexist or transphobic or whatever stupid buzzword you’re going to use today.  It makes him or her a human being.  There was another article I read where a girl lied to a girl she was into about being a guy, all for the express purpose of getting her to sleep with her, and then cried the blues when the lady was rightfully pissed off about the deception.

And this is where accountability comes to play.  Whatever your gender identity, you gotta step up and tell people the truth about stuff.  If a guy is looking to get with a girl, and that girl has dude-parts, then it is on her to tell him that.  Sorry, but it is entirely on you.  If you do not do that, and then choose to get hurt because you get rejected, the fact is that it is your fault.  Not his.  If you are dishonest with your lover, and they are rightfully upset, you have no right to complain.  For real, none at all.

I get it – rejection hurts.  Nobody wants to be rejected.  I am a towering freak of nature, who isn’t especially good to look at.  I get how rejection feels.  But you have to be honest with people.  That is what any relationship is built on.  Though maybe you aren’t looking for a relationship.  Maybe you just want to fuck someone for a night.  Well, same deal.  If you’re not being up-front with the person you go to bed with, and they reject you, you have no one to blame but yourself.  Don’t like that?  Too fucking bad.

How is it that the transgender community has been able to come out in defense of this person?  Do they not realize this?  Or do they think that they are deserving of some special exemption from the rules of attraction?  They don’t.  In fact, one could argue that they have even more obligation.  Because it isn’t on the person they are worth to accept what they have.  It is on them to tell whoever it is.  Personal responsibility in respect to intimacy seems to fly out the window with this bunch, and that just baffles me.  “It isn’t our fault!  It’s those cis-people’s fault for not accepting us!”  It’s not an acceptance issue if he doesn’t like your dick, honey.  It’s him being turned off by that, and the fact that you didn’t tell him that that was what you are packing.  This lady must get a lot of rejection, and clearly they don’t think it’s their fault, since they went to publications like The Mary Sue to complain about it.

Grow up.

Until next time, a quote,

“People like to say love is unconditional, but it’s not, and even if it was unconditional, it’s still never free. There’s always an expectation attached. They always want something in return. Like they want you to be happy or whatever and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won’t be happy unless you are … I just don’t want that responsibility.”  – Katja Millay

Peace out,


Really Good Bad Advice Number Three

Here we are again for another round of Really Good Bad Advice.  This is where I find thing that someone sent to an advice column (I really don’t get why people find this activity fulfilling) and then decide to interject and give them advice that they can actually do something with.  This week I got a couple of good ones, so let’s get this ball rolling!

Dear…anyone who isn’t Lucien,

My wife of 10 years dropped a bomb on me last night. She told me that she’s interested in having sexual relations with a female friend of hers. She is seeking my approval.

She feels that doing this with someone of the same sex doesn’t constitute being unfaithful. I don’t know if I’m being overly conservative here but I strongly disagree.

I’ve known she was curious for a little while now but I was totally not expecting this.

We have two young children and I’m very worried that her curiosity might put our family at risk. We had a long discussion last night but it seems she’s already made up her mind and won’t reason with me.

Is there anything I could say that would convince her otherwise?

I’m eager for your take on this. — Scared Dad in Des Moine

Okay, dude, you have a golden opportunity here.  Let’s face it, you’re a middle aged man.  Your sex life is about as interesting as a turkey sandwich.  What your wife wants to do is probably the only interesting thing that has ever happened to you in your entire life.  Plus, you have a wife that actively wants to experiment.

Brief interlude – despite what you may hear, a threesome is never as great as people believe.  For one simple reason – there isn’t a guy who exists that can please two women at once.  I’m sure that I’ll get guys who come in here and say that I am dead wrong, but they’re full of shit.  They can’t please two women at once, so it inevitably comes down to the two women ending up fucking anyway.  Unless it’s a chick and two guys.  Then it is possible to please them both at the same time.  Sorry, dudes, but chicks just have a natural design that can accommodate that sort of thing.  Us males just aren’t up the task.  Trust me, I found this out.  It was not the proudest moment of my life, but hey, I at least got a chance to try.  That’s more than most.

Which leads me back to you, Scared Dad.  What are you waiting for!  Your wife wants to get with another chick?  Great!  Here’s what you do – finally live out the fantasy that you have been wanting since you were a teenage boy.  Tell her that you will agree, but only if you and her can fuck the chick at the same time, at least once.  What the hell, right?  I mean, she’s going to cheat on you anyway, so you might as well get some jollies out of it!  For real, live a little!  In your middle age, this is the best chance you’ll ever have to recapture some of that vitality that you threw away the moment you decided to have a family.  Take my advice, live out the fantasy, leave one of those women disappointed, until the other steps up to the plate and takes her to Jupiter and beyond.  Your wife wants to be with another chick anyway, so who loses?

Dear…why is it you, Lucien?!

After 44 years of marriage, I recently discovered my husband had several one-night stands during the first 15 years of our marriage. I always thought I was intuitive and aware, but I truly had no idea. I have pressed him for “why,” but he offers very little, saying he was “angry” with me at the time (but does not remember why). He hopes I won’t “throw away” nearly 30 years of him being faithful due to this behavior in the earlier years. He claims to love me and to feel sorry he has hurt me.

I have started seeing a counselor but he will not go. We are approaching retirement age, so neither of us has a lot of time to rebuild a life with someone else. Do I run? Or do I try to leave this in the past and stay? If I were younger, I would have left, but our age and finances cause me to consider the practical side of this.

What do you think I should do? — Sad Wife in Wichita

Dump him.  Throw his unfaithful ass out the door and don’t look back.  I will never understand this female proclivity to forgive guys who do this.  I get that if there was one night that you had a really bad fight and he went to talk to someone and one thing led to another.  But he clearly didn’t say that.  He said that he was just “angry” with her.  Yeah, because that isn’t a little vague.  If he came to you and told you about what happened afterwards, and felt genuinely contrite and was willing to talk to a counselor with you, then I might be for sticking around.  Maybe you can salvage what’s left.  But that isn’t what we have here.  This is a case of him being a cheating bastard and her being too dumb to do what needs to be done.

She says that age and finances are an issue.  Okay, that’s something I get.  But what are you going to do?  Just stick with this guy and be miserable?  Live out the rest of your days hating this man and what he’s done to you, until you come to that point where you just want to put a shotgun against his temple when he’s sleeping and spread his brains all over the wall?  Because that’s what will end up happening.  Infidelity will ALWAYS ruin a marriage.  There are some people who can salvage something from it because of the underlying relationship.  Or have a happy-medium until the kids are out of the house.  But if the person you are with suspects that you are cheating or that you will cheat again, it will make a very ugly emotional response inside of you that will fester until you both hate each other so much.  And if there are kids in the house, they will think that it’s their fault.  So you’ll do damage to them as well.

Ditch this prick, and let him find his way with whatever bar skanks he’s chummy with this week.  Hopefully that advice helps.

Until next time, a quote,

“Dick will make you slap somebody!”  -Alexis Tyler

Peace out,


Sex Robots Are Going to be a Thing. Accept It.

You know who doesn’t like sex?  Social justice types.  Why?  Because they are basically terrified of their bodies and want the rest of the world to feed their sad little need to live in a hugbox that probably doesn’t have a mirror one in it.  The average social justice warrior is so scared of sex that anything that glorifies or even acknowledges human sexuality is labeled the enemy.  They also are very good at not paying attention to history.  After all, if you learn too much, then you might question their established doctrine.  This becomes especially interesting when you look at how they are reacting the the prospect of this dystopian cyberpunk future that we are headed towards.  I am talking, of course, about sex robots.

Let’s digress a bit and talk about history.  I know, context is icky to the typical social justice, third wave feminism crowd.  But let’s talk about it.  The Internet that they so cavalierly use to shout and rant and scream about how oppressed they are started as a system for the military.  The Internet found its beginnings in war.  The airplane?  War.  The cell phone?  War.  Pretty much every modern technology has its roots in conflict.  Then, the industrious among us then go and take that technology and make it applicable for the rest of the world.  Which leads to the next side.  Whenever a new technology is developed, it goes from first being used for war, and then being used for something else – sex.  How long do you suppose it was that the Internet became a thing that porn then became a thing too?  When the cell phone app was a thing, how long do you think it took for someone to come up with apps like Tinder?  Throughout history, this story is replayed over and over again.  We first use technology for war, then we figure out how to use it for sex.  It’s a pattern, and it’s one that is not going to stop.

Already, the integration of robots for war is a thing.  We have drones, which have become the staple of modern warfare.  Killing people with the pressing of a button.  We sure are taking the soul out of war, aren’t we?  As robotics becomes more and more prevalent, we are going to be using robots to kill people more.  That’s already begun, and it can’t be stopped.  The likes of Stephen Hawking may say that we desperately need to not do that, but when did humanity ever really learn from history?  Never.  And we never will.  It’ll eventually destroy us, and that’s fine.  No joke, since I accept it, I am fine with it.  Humanity’s time was up ages ago, anyway.  So, we have checked off the usage of robots for war.  What’s left…?

Sex, of course.  The reality is that, as this technology develops, we are going to be looking for ways to apply it to sex.  The reason why is simple – there are a TON of lonely people in this world.  Look at the world that social media has created.  It’s sad, lonely, and full of people who can’t find love or companionship to save their lives.  I know, because I’m one of them.  Dating is a nightmare, and meeting people is exhausting and often goes nowhere.  It is just too much work, and people are more and more not wanting to bother.  So, when there are machines that can look and act like a person, minus all the emotional baggage or the crushing judgmental attitude that is the staple of modern society (seriously, have you noticed how big of assholes we have all become?  I’m not excluding myself.  I’m a dick like the rest of you).  A person who is lonely and has no ability to connect with people can now find some release without the feeling of shame in getting a hooker.  Or the massive financial obligation of that.

What is the social justice crowds beef with this?  Well, according to a robot ethicist said that it would “reinforce stereotypical gender roles.”  Um…this is dumb.  Why is it dumb?  Because, I’m gonna level with ya – if sex robots, like the kind in AI, were real, I guarantee you that there application wouldn’t be in typical gender roles.  You’d have some poor nerd who wants to be with Black Widow getting exactly what he wishes for.  You’d have some of the strangest relationships that you can possibly imagine.  I bet that it would actually get kind of interesting.  Sure, there would be the guy wanting to bang the French maid, but you’d have all sorts of combinations.  If anything, I think that typical gender roles would fly out the window.  And don’t think that I am excluding ladies from this.  There would definitely be women who partake of this.  How many of them would be publicly SJWs, while closet sex robot fiends?  If we’ve learned nothing else from Butts, it’s that the SJWs have a plethora of skeletons that they don’t want to talk about.  Men and women would be making strange and bizarre sexual connections with machines.  As the artificial intelligence evolves, we might see situations like in Her, where these people form romantic attachments with these machines.  They would become more than things to fuck.  They would become mechanical people to love.

And once-again, let’s totally ignore the fact that gay and lesbian people would end up using sex robots as well.  Even the trans crowd is likely to get in on the fun.  But don’t tell SJWs that.  It gets in the way of their narrative for how women are objectified.

This is all very grand thinking, but the point is that we don’t know where the deal with robots made for sex will end.  There is a grander point that we are headed to.  A day may come when robotics are so advanced that you have no idea if you are dating a person or a robot.  Now there’s a mindfuck for ya.  But that’s the interesting thing.  So when I hear SJW types complaining about this, I think to myself – these people are actually against any form of development of our culture.  They want the culture to exist in a perpetual state of now.  To homogenize civilization into a blend of nothing, where no one can get offended or think beyond the screens of their laptops or phones.  That is the world that they want.  I can’t even imagine how awful and boring their utopia would be.  A world where ethnic groups never blend, expression is curtailed in the name of “tolerance.”  Where we are totally cool with pedophiles.  No joke, that is something they are trying to get happening.  It’s madness.  But it’s the world they want to live in.  A dead, empty, shallow world where no one feels anything too strongly.  Because that me be “privilege.”

Sex robots is going to happen.  Make peace with that as you need.

Until next time, a quote,

“Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road.”  – Voltaire

Peace out,