The High Price of Failure

A dear friend of mine recently graduated from basic with the US Navy.  I was proud to see her in dress whites.  Girl’s outfit was crisp, pressed, and the shoes were so shined that you could light a room with them if you had a window available for light refraction.  Now she is off to another base to study.  She’s going into Naval Intelligence.  Listening to her describe training, the dedication and the effort she put in, it’s humbling.  I hate to say it, but more than anything, the biggest emotion I feel about all of this is jealousy.

I haven’t accomplished anything with my life.  Not really.  I got a BA that isn’t even worth the 120 credits it took to get it.  Unless you have a Master’s, nobody even cares.  It just goes on a resume and that’s it.  My resume is absolute shit.  I work for the state I live in, and I am desperately trying to get ahead in my employment.  But it’s a waste of time.  I know what’s holding me back – my shit resume.  I have one job that I’ve held on to for more than a year.  One.  The rest aren’t even past six months.  It makes me look flaky.  It makes me look undependable.  Had a ton of interviews, but I haven’t even had any that have hit up my references.  That is bad.  I work at a fucking call center.  My life is helping people that I want to murder with a hammer out with their fucking problems.  It’s awful.  And at every fucking interview I have to say that it has been a learning experience or an exciting challenge or some other piece of bullshit PR nonsense.  I can’t say that this job is sucking the life out of me.  I can’t say that I am secretly wishing that I had some kind of addiction or other problem, so then at least I could say my life is unique in some way.

But it doesn’t end there.  In fact, that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is my entirely worthless life.  I am a miserable, depressing person who has depression so severe that I don’t remember what feeling joy is like.  It makes NOBODY want to talk to me.  I got one friend who talks to me on the regular.  Well, two, now that my girly-mate is out of basic and at A-School with the Navy.  So, because I am depressing as fuck, my friend life is basically gone.  With fewer and fewer people who can even stomach talking to me, I feel more and more alone in this town.  After all, Eeyore only works as a character in fiction.  Everyone in the 100 Acre Wood wants to be his friend.  Because even though he isn’t always the most cheerful, he still gets in on the fun with everyone else.  Yeah, it works in fiction.  And nowhere else.

Then there is my absolute train-wreck known simply as my love life.  That’s so pathetic that I recently decided to hit up a girl I used to work with at the Library who I had never really liked, but had always found to be appealing on a sexual level.  Because hey, why the fuck not?!  Yeah, I know I’ll never even get a response from that stellar waste of time.  That didn’t at all make me look pathetic.  Nope, not even a little.  Had a friend who said it’s good that I took the initiative.  Not for one second do I buy that.  Haven’t had a relationship in three years.  Haven’t had sex in three years.  Statistically speaking, the longer a person is single, the higher the chance that they will remain that way.  There is no hope for me.

So when my friend, the Seaman Apprentice, tells me about her life down there and all the work she has put in, I am both humbled and unimaginably jealous.  Her life is going places!  She’s married!  She’s got a whole life waiting for her when she gets home!  What do I have?  I got out of college literally on the skin of my teeth.  I got D’s my last semester.  Straight D’s.  But D’s get degrees now.  Gotta love America’s pathetic education system.  I was so burned out that I didn’t even get my degree printed on paper to let my parents hang on their wall.  You gotta pay for that shit now, and I am NOT giving that fucking worthless institution one more fucking dime!  Fuck them!  Fuck all of them!

Where does that leave me?  No-goddamn-where, that’s where.  I am chubby, pathetic failure who currently has a nasty cold in the middle of summer that is fucking pissing me off.  I took today off work, when I don’t even have the time to take off.  You know what my leave time is?!  Not that!  But if I had gone in today I would have felt like shit and been cracking on the phone.  That’s life.  I get to go to a job that I hate in order to help fucking imbeciles get their fucking child support.  That’s right, I work for child support.  The most hated entity in the fucking state, after the cops.

I feel so fucking pathetic.  I have accomplished nothing.  I will continue to accomplish nothing.  I am trying to finish a novel, but I have so many unfinished novels that I know will go absolutely nowhere.  All I have to even be remembered for once I am gone is this website, and after a while that would disappear too.  If I vanished tomorrow, how many fucking people would even notice I’m gone?!  Not many.  All the people who have left me behind.

And it’s too fucking late.  I can’t fix any of the friendships that are gone.  My resume ain’t getting any better.  My love/sex life has a plot at the local cemetery.  The price of failure.  All I am is a failed boyfriend.  A failed fiance.  A failed best friend.  A failed medical records technician.  A failed student.  All I have is failure.  I wish I knew what to do.  I keep trying.  I bust my ass at that worthless fucking job and I have no friends.  Only friends I have had there have left.  I would give anything to have one chance to go back in time and change things.  I’d give anything.  Just once.  But life doesn’t work that way.

Well, that’s enough wallowing in self-pity.  Think I’ll finish this here and cry like a little bitch because I can’t even do the normal thing and suck down a bottle of Jack Daniels to drown away my pain.  I don’t even have the will power for a fucking addiction.

Until next time, a quote,

Maybe I’m too young to know what the world is supposed to be. But it’s not supposed to be this. Can’t be this.” – Huey Freeman

Peace out,

Maverick

The Merits of Years of Cooking

I haven’t posted very much lately.  There isn’t much that I have wanted to talk about.  Politics has sucked the life out of everyone.  Social justice just isn’t that interesting anymore.  What more can be said?  Hell, now it is turning on itself.  I like to do reviews.  So close to the release of Horizon: Zero Dawn.  Though, I get the feeling that that review will come out a long time later, because I am going to play as much of that game as I can before I put out my review.  I want you all to know if it’s good or not.  All the reviews i am seeing thus far are giving me lots of hope.  However, something recently came to my attention today.  Something that worked the cockles of my little black heart.

My cousin believes that men and women can’t be friends.  He’s stupid like that.  The proof came from nowhere else than having a girly-mate over to my old place for one last good meal there before I leave it to its folly.  In my new apartment, and it is fantastic.  This girly-mate of mine is married, quite happily.  We worked together at my job at the college library.  There is absolutely no sexual tension between us.  We make each other laugh, and have fun just talking and enjoying one-another’s company.  Since it was the send-off to my shitty old place and the shitty “kitchen” that I had, I wanted to go big.  Decided to make something really special.

On Facebook, I follow a TON of the pages that have the little cooking videos from an overhead angle.  I love that shit.  Since I love to cook, it appeals to me.  And now I FINALLY have a kitchen to do it!  You all have no idea how happy this makes me.  Already got a ton of ideas.  And since I am now interviewing for a job that is a step up from where I am now, my hope is to get ahead.  Needless to say, things are pretty alright.  My new place doesn’t have a microwave.  That is a problem.  One I will solve on Craigslist, eventually.  Along with a mixer and other things.  And a slow cooker.  Definitely that.

Back to my story, I had this friend over, and I made something really unique – Tuscan chicken in angel hair pasta.  Here is a pic I took of it.

tuscan-chickenIt was a giant pain the ass.  It took a lot of patience and being willing to test myself.  I didn’t measure things out specifically.  I winged a lot of it, and you know what – it was worth it.  The final product was one of the finest things I have ever made.  It was a fantastic night.  The two of us were stuffed to the point that we couldn’t even have the fantastic dessert I had planned.  No complaints.  Was awesome.  However, I am going somewhere with this.

The thing I have learned after years of making food is that nothing makes a social gathering come together more than homemade food with good conversation and laughter from people.  Just getting to talk about the process of making and sharing in the meal that I made with another person was some of the most fun I have had in years.  With a proper kitchen, I truly want to see if I can make something fantastic with as many people as I can.

Over the years, I have watched my cooking talents go from strength to strength.  Sure, there have been mistakes along the way.  Some truly amazing fuck-ups that blow my freaking mind.  But in the midst of all of those have come experiments in taste that blow my mind.  The first time I made bagels from scratch.  Laborious, time-consuming, but getting to bit into the final product made that all worth it.  Every holiday I make a new kind of cheesecake.  Last year it was pumpkin cheesecake.  Okay, but not great.  I am planning on doing stromboli, one of these months.  As I sit in my new place, and eat a fresh naval orange, I am inspired to see what I can come up with next.  Experimenting with fruit salad, the kind of salad I actually like.  Making pan-fried potatoes for a guest, something that I am so fucking good at.  Just ask my old man.  He likes my kind of pan-fried better than my mother’s, and that’s saying something.

Good food is a gift.  One that I want to share with as many people as I can before my death wish comes for me.  And for all you guys out there, if you’re single, there is no excuse.  Learn to fucking cook!  Women will swoon if you can make their taste buds ring.  Then you might be able to get their pussy to follow suit.  I got a cousin to prove wrong, and all the time in the world to do it.  What are you all’s thoughts?  Let me know down in the Comments.

Until next time, a quote,

“Much like traveling, meals eaten alone are dull and without flavor.” – The Count, Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo

Peace out,

Maverick

2016 Year in Review

Back when I was in college, I used to do Academic Year in Review posts.  It was a nice little way to wrap up the year.  With this year at an end, and me being all high as fuck (it’s legal in my state now, blow me), I thought that I would restart the tradition.  Only this time, it won’t be the Academic Year in Review, it will just be the Year in Review.  This year sure seemed to fly by.  That is, after I found my new job.  Once I was back to work, time has absolutely blazed by.  It’s been a crazy ride, but you know what, a lot has happened.  There’s a ton to talk about, so let’s get down to it.  Consider this my post for New Year’s.  By the time I get finished typing this out, it should be New Year’s Eve, anyway.

The year started on a terrible note.  I had just gone through the worst experience of my professional life.  I have already told the story of the crazy bitch and the PR company she worked for.  I haven’t heard a single thing from that company, so I guess they forgot about me.  Maybe that, or me pwning her into oblivion in her unfathomably immature texting flame war was enough so she didn’t want to deal with me again.  The way she copped out was just pathetic.  Coming off the heels of that, I was in a desperate financial situation.  I had no money.  My parents were basically having to pay my rent.  A fact that hurt me to no end.  Now back to the job market.  I was not doing well, mentally.

Months dragged by.  However, hope arrived!  I got an interview at a real estate company.  I was literally hired on the spot.  The power of my damn snappy suit, I tell you what.  For the first time in a long time, I felt pretty good.  Sure, the job had no benefits, and the pay wasn’t great, but it was work.  And I could look for a better job while there.  It’s always easier to find work when already employed.  It just looks better on a resume.  Anyway, two days in, and I saw something that immediately made my blood run cold.  It was a box at the office with the name of the PR company that I had just been through that fiasco with.  Immediately, I knew that this was bad.  I asked, and it seems they rented some office space there.  This was bad.  Say that crazy bitch dropped in?  Say she talk to them about me?  She’s as vindictive as Hillary Clinton, and will abuse her power whenever possible.

Sure enough, my worries were confirmed.  I get told by the same woman that hired me, at the end of my second day, that I am “not the right fit for the position.”  I was pissed.  No wonder this job had such a high turnover rate.  Did I not mention that?  Seems that the job did.  I was told as much.  Given the absurd things I had to do every fucking day there, I genuinely am not surprised.  Oh well.  To be honest, given where I am now, I don’t see losing that job as a huge loss.  Though it will be weird giving a W-2 to my aunt, who does the family taxes, for a job that I only held for two days.

More months passed.  I was so miserable.  The worst thing about not working, that they don’t tell you, is how you lose track of what day is what.  See, something else happened.  My special lawyer girly-mate left.  She and I had been thick as thieves.  I knew that it was coming, but still, driving her to the airport was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  The last time I did it, we shared an amazing kiss.  That girl’s lips were among the softest I have ever gotten the chance to kiss.  This time, it was just heart-breaking.  Last time, I had some reassurance that she would be back.  This time, there was none.  This time, she was leaving with a person that she had been dating to come back to.  This time, I could feel that she wasn’t going to be coming back.  Something inside just told me it was so.  That fact, more than any other, hurt me.  How many people have I watched walk away from me, knowing that I will likely never see them again?  I don’t know.  I doubt I ever will.

The next major event came up.  A neurology clinic that I had applied to got back to me!  It was an interview, and I kicked ass!  Hell, I impressed the person I was interviewing with so much, that they wanted me to meet with the manager of the office too.  I took them up on that, and it was a damn good call.  Two interviews for the price of one.  By the time I got back to my place, I could tell that good things were coming.  Sure enough, about a week later, I got a call asking if I would come back in, this time for something call a “working interview.”  A totally new concept to me, it’s when you come in and basically sit in and do parts of the job for a day, to show what you are made of and how quickly you can adapt.  I don’t deny, walking in to that office, looking ready to work, I felt so good.  It was a little nerve-wracking, but I very quickly got the hang of stuff.  Plus, the women in the office were great.  I was the only guy.  The only one.  They were all fun people, and I felt like I was fitting in just nicely.  By the end of the day, walking out, I felt on top of the world.  Got paid for my work (they have to pay you for a working interview), and they told me that they would be in touch within a week or so.  I decided to wait a few days, and then “check in.”  Show how eager I am to get to work for them.  It seemed smart.  Was told that the woman who was doing the hiring was out.  Okay.  That’s cool.  I’ll call back on Friday.  End of the week, exactly a week from the working interview.  Will find out then.  Had good feelings.

I call back, told that she is busy, but would call me back.  They took down my name and number.  I figured that they were people of their word, so nothing to worry about, right?  I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  In a way, I’m still waiting.  In what was one of the most unprofessional displays I have ever seen, they never got back to me.  To this day, I still haven’t heard a thing.  How unprofessional is that?  If you put in a day with a company, and really try your best, don’t you at least deserve to hear back from them?  I was so pissed.  What’s more, it was such a good opportunity.  A job I can walk to!  That’s what it was.  I could commute to work in five minutes, on foot.  Ten minutes in winter.  They didn’t even have the guts to tell me that I didn’t get the job.  So pissed, I was.

After that failure, my depression was doing a real number on me.  It had been getting steadily worse, but this was almost past the tipping point.  It was past a year since I had started working at the neurology clinic I was at.  A year since the best opportunity I had had slipped through my fingers, all because I was sick and angry.  What an idiot, I was.  But the real blow was coming.  My parents could no longer keep helping me with my rent.  The old man wanted to retire, so they couldn’t handle the lacking income.  By this point, I was beyond desperate.  However, hope came!  In my darkest hour, hope came.  I got an interview for a state job.  It was the ugliest state job one can ask for.  The most thankless state job one could ask for.  A job that involves money and children.  You can probably extrapolate from there.  Just the day before, I had had a golden idea to hit up an old boss of mine on Facebook and ask if I could use her for a reference.  She was more than happy to oblige.  And it was just in time, as this place called me back and asked me for some references.  My old boss told me she gave me the best reference ever when they called.  I was so happy.  Two days later, I got the call.  I was hired.  In that instant, relief flooded into my veins.

My new job starts, and it was in the first day where I met someone who has become so important to my life in such a short amount of time.  We were hired at the same time, and both of us were there at the same orientation.  It was all awkward and quiet, so I decided to break the ice.  What an awesome decision, that was.  We got each other’s name, and thus began a friendship that is giving me so much to look forward to.

The job is so fucking complicated.  Even now, I feel so stupid when I look at things and I don’t know what any of it means.  Plus, our office is so underfunded that we use fucking DOS.  I shit you not.  We use DOS to run our entire agency.  The level of unreal in that blows my fucking mind.  So much to learn, and I am in the Customer Service section of our Division.  Meaning that I get to deal with people’s hate directly.  Groj, so unpleasant.  But more than that, I was having a bit of an identity crisis for a while.  Being called by my given name, it felt so surreal.  Like someone else was in that office.  For a brief while, I couldn’t tell who was who.  Then, one day, I saw some stupid SJW shit posted online, and I reconnected with Lucien all over again.

As is want to happen, whenever I make a friend of the opposite sex, and things are going splendidly, something goes wrong.  It is my life, after all.  Her significant other has jealousy issues.  Those of you who have followed me for many years can maybe see where this is going.  The jealousy issues peaked when she hung out at my place and we had some drinks and were just chilling.  It was awesome.  It was everything I could have asked for.  For so long, all I have wanted is to have friends over to my place.  We could watch movies, make good food, play games.  It’s all I have wanted for years.  That night will go down in history as one of the best nights of my life, which then translated into one of the worst the next day, when our friendship was falling apart due to the love of her life taking umbrage with me.  I’ll give this guy some credit, he’s actually met me.  I could tell when we did meet that he was sizing me up.  And I don’t know if he liked what he saw or not.  I outsmarted him and his friends in a game that we were playing.  Felt good.  My poker face destroyed him.  I then decided to just fuck with all of them in the next round because I could.  We learned something about each other that night.  I learned that he wanted to stake his claim to his girl in front of me.  He learned that I am hard to read when I want to be.  I thought that the guy doesn’t like me.  At the very least he sees me as something of a threat.  But the way I see it, any beliefs about me being a threat should go due to recent events.  If there is anything that has cemented me as nothing approaching a threat ever, it’s what’s happened.

When things fell apart after the night at my place, I basically had to concede everything that I have ever wanted in a friendship for so long.  She listened to my heartfelt and nearly tearful statement about how much this hurt, and there was nothing.  Not a single emotion that registered.  She said that she can’t please everyone, and has to do what’s best for her relationship.  I get that.  I know that I will always come in second place.  Hell, I don’t even rank third.  I’m a new friend.  I rank in fifth or sixth place on the totem pole.  That’s how it goes.  I have no illusions about where I am on the pecking order.

For those who think that this is following the Emily path, that’s my biggest fear.  However, I will say this much – I don’t think so.  For starters, Emily and I were infinitely closer than Kathryn and I are.  Maybe that’s a point in this situation’s favor.  Plus, there is the reality that I don’t know what this significant other who at least has seen me as something of a threat thinks.  I’ve gotten conflicting pieces of information.  I may eventually choose to see this person again, see if there is something more to be achieved from interaction.  Who knows, right?  However, all the signs are there that this story will follow the track that Emily and I’s did.  If so, it will break my heart in ways you couldn’t begin to imagine.

However, there is peace on the land of our new friendship, for now.  We hang out as often as we can, but the understanding is that she will never be able to chill at my place again.  Ever.  That means that movie nights are out.  Making good food is out.  I’ve already talk about how much I wanted that.  It’s a huge sacrifice, and part of me still wonders what she gave up in return, but I’m done fighting a battle that I know I can’t win.  I’ve done enough negotiations in these situations to know when I have no bargaining position.  And it’s not to say that we haven’t had fun since then.

Just recently, however, things took another turn.  Her and I have been carpooling to work together.  There is a lot of ugly history with her sister, her sister’s husband, and the nieces that she now has no ability to see.  Some truly horrible things.  But one day, the sister puts out an olive branch.  Because I have this belief that a person should strike while the iron’s hot, when the sister invited her down to the states as a way to make amends and bring the family back together again, I told her to take the risk.  It’s a gamble, but how often does good fortune come a person’s way?  So she did it.  Used up all her leave time at work, spending almost everything she will have saved, all to go down to North Carolina to see her family.  Maybe she’s spending too much time with me.  Lady Luck saw fit to strike.

The same day, she is sent a message from her sister basically taking that olive branch she put out and burning it down in front of her.  The girl was in pain.  Horrible, aching pain.  Years of unaddressed agony bubbling up and exploding.  In the hall at work, she fell to the floor and sobbed.  All I could do is sit next to her and hold her.  I had no words, nothing to say.  All I could do is hold her and listen to her cry.  I felt next to useless in that moment.  Like I was the person putting a band-aid on an ax wound.  The boss came over, and in an amazing moment, she became a complete mom and was able to remedy the situation.  Had her go home.  Since we carpooled together, I took her home.  That was such a hard day, for me.

Ever since then, things have been weird.  She denies it, but I’m smart enough to see that something has changed.  I can’t put my finger on it, but things have gotten awkward between us.  I am sensing a growing distance.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Wouldn’t be the first time.  However, there has been a real change in things between us after that day, and not for the better.  Maybe that’s how it separates from the Emily story.  After I wiped the tears off Emily’s face in the Periodicals Room, the two of us were closer than ever.  Now I feel like I have lost a TON of ground.  Not a fan of that.  Wondering what I did wrong.  Probably overthinking this.  Unsure.

So that’s where we are now.  My job is sucking the life out of me.  The reality is that once Kathryn leaves to go to basic for the Navy (proud of her for that.  Was pushing her to reapply to get back in to the Navy), I am out of there.  It’s nothing against the department.  I just can’t do a job where I am getting treated like shit by people that I am having less and less sympathy for every day.  There’s no way I can do this long term.  Planning on staying with the state for at least five years.  Then I’m vested and have guarantee retirement.  Since state jobs like to hire with people already in the state, I feel comfortable when I go looking for a new port to call my own.

Looking ahead, I have been given hints that my lawyer girl may be coming back, if only for a little bit.  That gives me hope.  A brief glimmer of hope to latch on to.  It hasn’t been the hardest year, but a decent amount of stuff has happened.  Leading up to when I found this new job, it was months of time where, if I didn’t have this watch, I couldn’t tell one day from the next.  I have a job, already one review that looks good, and will have another come February.  A new friendship that, while it is currently on not the most stable ground, has a ton of potential.  Guess we’ll see what happens.

Until next time, a quote,

This may not make much sense to you now, a young man at the beginning of his career, but one of the things you learn as you move up the ranks and get a little older is that you wish you had more time in your youth to really absorb the things that happened to you. It goes by so fast. It’s so easy to become jaded. To treat the extraordinary like just another day at the office. But sometimes, there are experiences that transcend all that.” -Capt. Katherine Janeway, Star Trek: Voyager

Peace out,

Maverick

Five Things I Hate Challenge

I’ve seen this idea making its way around the YouTube community, and since I am as original as a Subway Reuben sandwich (a concept that sounds disgusting beyond words), I thought that I would get in on the fun and do my own list of five things that I hate.  Rather than do some easy over-the-plate answers like SJWs and modern feminism, I thought I would talk about things that actually apply to my daily life.  Things that I have to deal with that just get under my skin and piss me the fuck off.  Here is my list of five things that I REALLY hate.

5. People who tell me to be more positive
I get this one all the fucking time at work.  I work a customer service job for a state industry that involves children and money.  You can probably extrapolate what it is from what I’ve said.  It is the most thankless job in the world, and I have to deal with some of the biggest scum-fucks ever.  But I am professional with everyone who calls.  I keep the same level tone with everyone.  Sure, there has been a slip-up or two, but I have always been at my very best.  However, once I hang up the phone from call with worthless parent #24 for that day, I sometimes need to vent.  Sometimes I have to call the lazy cunt who is bitching about having to pay because she is a worthless parent.

This has gotten people to be like, “you need to be more positive!”  I hear this shit all the time, and it never fails to illicit at least a little of my annoyance.  Let me have my moment of negativity.  I have to put on a happy face for every fucking asshole who calls in to scream at me about how me and my organization are thieves.  I deserve to have a moment to acknowledge how unpleasant it all is.  If there wasn’t this entire division singing about how it is so valuable and we are such wonderful people, maybe we could have an honest conversation about how miserable the job is.  Maybe then, real change could be made to make things less shitty.  Like getting a pinball machine for the break room or something.  You know, little ideas like that to make the day suck less.  Oh, but we can’t have that.  Instead, we have to find bullshit ways to pretend that it is just the happiest place in the world.  These people are insulting my fucking intelligence every time I have the super-cheerful boss come in and say how great every day is.

Fact is, I don’t get why everyone is so insane about trying to be positive all the time.  Life isn’t that great.  If a person needs to let some dark thoughts out into the zeitgeist to get through their day, why does everyone act like they took a piss in their coffee?  Does the attitude of someone that you don’t actually like all that much really bother you?  If you are so needing all life around you to be sunshine and roses then you have much deeper insecurities that you should probably address.  As for me, I live with depression caused by brain damage.  I’ll do what I do.

4. The endless sequels, remakes, and reboots
This goes for both video games and movies.  I am really hating the way things are nowadays.  Seems like every thing that is made is either a sequel, a remake, or a reboot.  The sequels are the worst.  Marvel has become a sequel machine.  Sure, there are the diamonds in the rough, like Civil War, Winter Soldier, and what I am hoping will be Spider-Man: Homecoming.  But for all the truly fantastic stuff, you have to slog through a bunch of complete shit.  I don’t have the energy for it.  I have never and will never watch any of the Thor movies.  Nor did I watch Ant-Man, or the original Captain America movie.  I didn’t want to.  This gets even worse for video games.  Seems like every major AAA game is a sequel.  This just bores me to no end.

Then we get the remakes.  Part of me is glad that we are seeing some truly toxic remakes coming out.  This year we got to see a Ghostbusters remake crash and burn on impact, which is for the best.  Hollywood is clearly out of ideas.  We can make fun of some of the bonkers and outright stupid shit that came from the 90’s, but you gotta give it this much – it was at least original.  I miss the days when studios would take huge risks with movies all so that people could let their creativity flow.

Finally, there are reboots.  These are no better.  The worst offender in recent memory is The Force Awakens.  I swear, there was a movie in there, but I couldn’t see it over this sheen of another film that came out 40 years ago that was so much better.  It’s like this movie was trying so desperately to riff on it.  You get the defenders coming out like, “it’s introducing a new generation to Star Wars!”  To those fucks, I say – you do own a DVD player, right?  You have Netflix?  Then what the fuck do you need this movie for?!  Watch the originals then, you stupid fucks!  This movie was boring.  It was dull.  I knew where the plot would go from beginning to end.  Not one thing surprised me or even got my attention.  The humor was cringe-worthy at best.  The “empowering female stormtrooper” has no face and barely any lines.  Harrison Ford looked medicated the whole time.  Daisy Ridley can’t act for shit.  Nothing about that movie was nearly as good as people said it would be.  I won’t be seeing the sequel in theaters.  Hell, I doubt I will see Rogue One in theaters either.  Spoilers be damned.

Every time I see a sequel, remake, or reboot coming out, I think of all the wasted potential that could have gone to a legitimately good film.  The wondering about what could have been, all the while realizing that I am just watching the same shit come out, over and over again.  Maybe the reason that DC films are being panned so much is that they are coming out and riffing on Marvel, and it just looks tacky at this point.

3. When people ask why I’m not dating
Yeah, this one was coming.  Every fucking year at the holidays, I have at least one person ask, “why aren’t you dating anyone?”  Oh, fuck off!  Yeah, like finding a relationship is just something I can go down to the corner store and do.  Meeting people is time-consuming, and I don’t even have time for friendships with this job.  Or rather, friends don’t have time for me because they have all their own adult shit.  I’m sad and lonely, so I got nothing but time when I’m not at work.  I don’t do the bar scene or the party scene, so where exactly am I supposed to meet people?  Everyone acts like all I do is just sit around and jerk it.  I keep trying to meet people, wherever I can.  But with this job and my limited finances associated with my shit pay, there’s only so much that I can do.

For so many years, I have had people who don’t know shit about me telling me about how I am doing this thing wrong or that thing wrong and judging me for not being married and talking about having a baby by now.  The reality is that the longer you are single, the more likely it is that you will stay single.  Statistically, I am totally fucked.  Oh well.  It was fun while it lasted.  Hope is a curse, after all.

2. When a person is about to say something critical of me, then stops, refusing to continue when I ask them to elaborate
Any of you have this problem?  Someone who you trust to be honest with you has their dander up and is all annoyed and just when they are about to tell you what bug has crawled up their ass, they suddenly stop.  When you ask them to elaborate, they just shrug it off like, “nope!”  So there you are, knowing that they are upset with you about something, and now they are just going to peace out.  Which means that now I have to wonder about it all day.  And you just KNOW that they aren’t going to forget about whatever it is that was pissing them off.  It becomes a cycle of the person being all pissy and passive-aggressive with you until they finally explode about it.

Why can’t people just be honest about how they feel and work things out with people?  We live in a generation of people who have to have safe spaces and don’t want to be honest because they fear confrontation.  Where I come from, if you are mad at someone, you have it out.  Then it’s done.  No dwelling, no passive-aggressive.  It’s just done.  Over the years, I have had so many people who have this problem.  Refusing to talk to me about what was bugging them has ruined at least one relationship, and a couple of friendships.  Anytime that someone is actively avoiding talking to me about something, that’s a red flag that it isn’t some stupid thing but something actively important that shouldn’t be ignored.

The worst thing is that I am all about resolving conflicts.  Having watched so many relationships fall apart due to not talking about things that needed to be talked about, anytime that I sense something is wrong, I press the issue.  Granted, if a person tells me that they don’t want to talk at that point, but they will get with me about it later, that’s fine.  However, if they then do not do so and start with the passive-aggressive bullshit, I will call them out on it.

1. SNOW!
For the last few years, winter in my state has been pretty awesome.  It barely existed.  That has been pretty fucking sweet.  All this climate change stuff has been a real boon to me.  Sure, pretty much is bitching and complaining about there not being enough snow, but fuck that noise!  I think it was awesome.  However, it seems that the good times are over and now things are back to a much more typical winter.  Oh boy.  Isn’t that just swell.  Which means now I have to deal with the white shit.

Sure, it is pretty to watch fall, but here’s the thing – I have a commute to work in the morning!  You know what that means?  That means that I have to deal with this shit every day.  And because I am an actually safe driver, I have to take more time out and get to work early.  I also carpool with my lady friend, so that adds even more time.  I’m not complaining about that part.  I only get so much time with her before she leaves, so I gotta take what I can get.  But it sucks that everything in my life gets immediately more difficult because I gotta deal with all this white shit everywhere.  And since everyone gets really fucking stupid when it snows, the chances of me getting killed by some dumbass goes up exponentially.

In the end, snow is just more of a challenge than it is something to like.  If you are one of those people who thinks that snow is awesome and whatever, I have no words for you.  You’re a weird fuck.

What are some of the things that you hate?  Let me know in the Comments.

Until next time, a quote,

“I’m getting real sick of your shit, winter.” – meme

Peace out,

Maverick

What I’m Thankful For This Year (2016)

A long time ago, I did Academic Year in Review posts.  After I got done with college, I stopped that.  But I will be bringing it back with Year in Review posts.  So I won’t go into too much about what’s happened this year.  However, I can’t talk about the things that I am thankful for this year without going into it a bit.  Man, I am the king of digressions.  And this one starts out my post for Thanksgiving this year.  It’s been a very odd year, in that not a lot has legitimately happened.  A whole year, and my life has been pretty vanilla.  So this list will be a bit short, this year.  Take it for what you will.

My New Job

That’s right, I finally have a new job.  And it is…the most thankless, difficult, stressful job you can imagine.  I won’t say where or what it exactly is, but it is a state job that involves lots of money and children.  And people hate me for it.  I’m sure that you can extrapolate what it is based on that.  My resume is shitty beyond all reason.  However, I now am working for the state, doing a job that can only look absolutely fantastic on a resume.  I’m still in my probationary period for this job, but I got my interim review.  It was good, across the board.  My boss and I even had a heart-to-heart about my brain damage and how that has led to the depression that affects my negativity.  She understood, and even was able to boost her reviews of me by understanding that my way of being isn’t me trying to bother anyone.  I’m just damaged and trying as hard as I can to be the best employee I can.  The discussion about the review felt fantastic.

Of course, it’s not perfect.  It’s a state job, with all the strings that come with that.  The pay is NOT what I was hoping for.  My hopes of saving up are not going anywhere fast.  But it’s a launching point, and I am okay with that.  At the end of my six month period, I will be getting my first raise.  We’ll see what that equals out to.  My life is a living example of things not working out when I want them to, so I take whatever I can get.

My Parents

It’s hard for me to overstate just how much these people have done for me.  The best thing about getting this fantastic opportunity with the state is that I am FINALLY not having to go to them for money.  That was really bothering me inside, especially with the old man retiring this year.  He’s finally able to enjoy his twilight years.  And my mother calls him her “house bitch.”  I always said that he would go crazy inside an hour if he didn’t have work to do.  Either that or do like his old man and just wander around on his lawnmower talking to people.  Part of me can’t help but think that that might be something he starts doing compulsively – mowing the lawn.  Groj knows, the parents got enough of it.  They are living in the last home they will ever live in.  This is their twilight home.

For as much as I have asked from them for the past few years, it is always something I keep in the back of my mind that I owe them.  Both figuratively and literally.  But this new job doesn’t even pay me enough for that.  I can’t even save with it.  Adulthood is so fucking frustrating, sometimes.  But I keep at it, and hopefully I can actually pay them off.  And maybe get a new car so I don’t have to continue to borrow theirs.  Among other things in my life that are turning into such a pain.  They are two of the best people that a young man could ask for, and despite what I have been told when I was arguing with them in years past, I never took that for granted.  Not once.

My Gypsy Girl

The girl who came into my life on a strange day, and left in just as strange a way.  That girl and I have kept in touch.  It’s been a period of her being around, then not.  She’ll be chatty as fuck with me, and then disappear for weeks or even months.  However, through some of the darkness that I have had to power through in the last year, this girl has been someone that I could talk to.  I also call her my “complicated girl.”  That’s not an overstatement.  This girl is a strange as she is complicated, to the point that I don’t think even she understands her own motivations.

We have bonded over how much darkness we have in our lives.  My darkness is depression caused from brain damage, combined with a severe sense of self-loathing and frustration at my lack of a personal/sex life.  Her darkness is depression caused by substance abuse, a severe sense of self-loathing and frustration at her lack of a personal/sex life.  I haven’t met anyone who understand dwelling the unending darkness like her.  Were it not for forces greater than myself making it so that it can’t be, I would have asked her out ages ago and hopefully impressed her to the point that we would be dating.  Alas, that’s not how that story goes.  Right now we’re in a period of her going dark.  It’s all good.  However long it is, I know that I’ll get a text or call from her one day, and we’ll be able to talk again.  Even if it’s just me listening to her talk about her makeup.  It’s still a medication for what ails her and I.

As I said, the list would be short this year, so here is the biggest thing I am thankful for this year…

My New Friend, Kathryn

My cousin is a huge fan of Bill Burr, and has repeatedly shared with me the bit where he says that men and women can’t be friends as adults, because relationships will always come between them.  He may be right.  However, I take the people I find in my life as they come.  Her and I met the first day we started at the new job together.  It was her, myself, and another person sitting there.  It was awkward and quiet, so I decided to say something to break the ice.  That decision set the stage for one of the most enriching relationships I have had in years.  Her and I have bonded so much, so quickly.  I could tell that we would get along, and I have yet to be proven wrong.

Getting to talk to this girl, hang out, carpool to work, or go out to movies or to dine are the only things that I currently have to look forward to.  And I do.  More than you will ever know.  She is working with me to bring my comic book idea to life.  The girl is a genius.  But there is another part.  A part that bonds with my darkness.  You don’t need to know the details.  This part and me do have a connection, though.  One that I believe could lead to this being one of the strongest connections I have ever had.  Maybe I’m wrong.  I don’t know.  That’s part of why I want to expand things.

There’s the tricky part.  Like most socialite females, she’s a busy girl.  Relationships, family, other people.  I’m just a small part of that.  I know that.  Do I like it?  No.  But I am not so presumptuous of my importance in someone’s life to demand a special space.  I’m needy as fuck, don’t get me wrong, but I haven’t lied to her about that.  Honesty has been something that I strive for above all with this girl.  So many times in my life that proactive lies have gotten me out of a difficult spot, that it has become second-nature to me now.  Not her.  Not this one person.  Truth between us.  That’s a valuable thing.

That’s not to say that it’s been perfect.  Lately it has been a VERY rough patch, due to an old problem that has plagued me for so long.  One that I still fear will destroy what the two of us have.  However, I have done what I can to patch things up, for now.  And I made sure to leave a way for me to gauge if this will be like those other times, in a very simple way.  Anyone who knows me knows that I leave as little as I can to chance.

Those are the things that I’m thankful for this year.  Feel free to let me know what yours are in the Comments.

Until next time, a quote,

“Joy is the simplest form of gratitude.” – Karl Barth

Peace out,

Maverick

A Fairytale

Once upon a time, there was a prince of a faraway land.

The prince was a happy boy, who brought happiness into the lives of everyone he touched.  The subjects loved him, and so did the royal family.  Everyone did.  The young prince believed that the happy years would go on forever.

But then there was an accident, and the young prince was asleep for a long time.  The dreams he had there were nice, and he didn’t want to leave.  But he was brought back into the waking world, and all that greeted him was pain.  The Prince wasn’t well.  His body wasn’t made right, and so he hurt.

For many years, the prince dealt with the pain, all while trying not to let the royal family or his subjects see how hard it was.  It worked, for a while.  However, as the years went on, the prince found a darkness inside of him.  A dark passenger that he carries with him, to this day.

Once the pain in his body was gone, the prince tried to resume life as he had before the accident.  But life had changed.  Everyone in the prince’s life had become a different person.  They weren’t waiting for the prince anymore.  They had gone their own way.  The prince was sad.  He tried to bond with them again, but it didn’t work.

The prince left the kingdom, to go to a faraway school, which would prepare him to rule his kingdom, now that he was an adult.  The prince decided he was going to meet new people here, and make lots of new friends.  And so he did.  More years went by, and life was good again.

But, one by one, the new friends left.  Some hurt the prince in a way he couldn’t describe.  It was making the prince’s dark passenger very powerful inside.  The dark presence whispered things to him, about how everyone will hate him and how nobody really cares.  The prince started to believe in it, after a while.

So the prince tried to hold on to the friends he had, but it just made things worse.  He was so in need, and they couldn’t help him.  After a while, the prince was alone in this faraway land, as lost as when he arrived.  But all that is left for him in his kingdom is the royal family.  He loves them with all his heart, but it isn’t enough for the his lost and wayward heart.

Now, the prince has hatched a plan.  A plan to head away from this kingdom to one even farther away.  But deep down, the prince doesn’t actually believe it will work.  He just tells himself that it will, to try and fight his dark passenger.  The prince hates the dark passenger, and wishes he would go away.  But he never does.

There’s no happy ending to the prince’s story.  It still continues.  Perhaps one day, the prince will find a kingdom where he doesn’t have to hurt anymore.  It’s a little dream.

Until next time, a quote,

“Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” – G.K. Chesterton

Peace out,

Maverick

Just The Way I Am…

One of my favorite songs by Billy Joel is “Just the Way You Are.”  It’s a man telling the woman who he loves that she doesn’t have to be anyone else for him to love her.  Everything she already is is enough.  I like that.  Never heard words like that said to me.  Never had a person tell me that the person I am today is enough.  Why?  Because of my depression.

For those who don’t know, following a head injury and brain damage, I have incurable depression that won’t leave me alone.  It’s something I am going to have to live with my entire life.  I could take pills, but at the moment I am having some insurance troubles, and I need to get my financial life sorted out before I look into my psychological one.  But here’s the thing – why is who I am not enough for people?  You have no idea how many people over the years have told me that I am not the person they want.  “Why don’t you take pills!  You should be happy!”  Or there is the more general thing I get told by people – “why can’t you just be happy?” “You’re such a downer!”  “You’d have more friends if you were happier.”  You’d be surprised how often I’ve heard that last one.  They might be right.  About the center one, no doubt.  I’m an externally-cold cynic who hates everyone.

But why can’t anyone understand?  Why does everyone work so hard to stay away from a person who has shown himself to be a loyal friend in the extreme.  If any of the people in my circle, or hell, even my former circle, came to me and asked for help, I’d be there.  I believe in loyalty, to whatever end.  Gotten me stabbed in the back more times than I can count, from people who said that they cared for me.  No good deed goes unpunished, am I right?  What is it about the depression and my general cynicism that just tells people that there is nothing to be gained from my company?

I suppose it’s the fact that depression can make one seem needy.  No arguments, I kind of am.  But that neediness does come with the added bonus of me being the kind of person who does everything I can to be the best friend possible.  I understand what it’s like to be alone and feel pain all the time.  Whether it be a loyal ear, or a shoulder to cry on, I am there for all my people.

This has led me to being a person that those who have been in my inner circle confide in above all others.  I have been told, more than once, that people close to me trust me more than anyone.  It’s the reason that EVERY one of the significant others of girly-mates sees me as a threat.  That’s rich.  These guys/girls should be thanking me.  I’ve helped countless people through fights that they couldn’t see the other side, simply by listening and using an impartial perspective to see through the problem.  Got more cred with these people than a fucking shrink.  Hell, there was a girly-mate who pretty much used me as a marriage counselor.  Now she never speaks to me anymore.  I’ll give you three guesses why.

End of the day, it doesn’t matter, though.  Because I am still the depressing guy.  There for anyone who asks.  I have no qualms about helping friends, whatever the problem is.  But the moment that I’m negative, I get static.  Not a word one.  It’s so fucking rich.

I can already hear the rebuttal – “Lucien, your depression is likely going to end horribly.  Why would they want to get involved in such a situation (indivijual)?  It just means that you are dragging them into it too.  Nobody wants to feel crappy.”  Fine.  I’ll give you that.  It is self-destructive, and it could very well have a horrible ending.  But not now.  I have a purpose.  I have a guiding force that gives me direction and staves off the worst of the thoughts.  I got used to thoughts about suicide YEARS ago.  Hell, since I got out of the hospital, I’ve been thinking about it.  Me and the Grim Reaper are so close that we might as well play chess together.  I got a glass chess board, but it’s starting to fade.  Eventually want to get one that’s made of marble.  Insanely expensive, but a man can dream.

In the end, people want me to be something else.  A shoulder to be there when they need it, but outside of that, everyone wants me to be a smiling, happy person who takes his Joy (props to the person who gets that reference without Google) and behaves in the way that they see fit.  Nobody wants me just the way I am.  They want another person.  Again, I hear your rebuttal – “Lucien, they want you to be happy.  What’s wrong with that?  Don’t you want people to be happy too?”  Lots of the time, sure.  But sometimes I realize that what people need is to sort out the ugly feelings and maybe just be in a bad place for a while to do so.  I don’t drown people in my negativity.  At least, not anymore.  I used to.  No doubt.  Now, however, I make sure to balance out the negativity with enough random thoughts about the world and life to be able to balance the scales.  Perhaps it’s just too late, and the doors that we opened with people are shut.  Unfortunate.

I dream of being told that someone wants me just the way I am.  Perhaps this is all just a deflection about my personal and social life.  But is it really such a bad thing to want?  I don’t know.  If you do, please tell me.

Until next time, a quote,

“I took the good times.  I’ll take the bad times.  I’ll take you just the way you are.” – Bill Joel, “Just the Way You Are”

Peace out,

Maverick