Let’s Answer 100 Easy Ways to Make Women’s Lives More Bearable

Because women have it so fucking hard.  Especially in the First World.  While women in Africa get their genitals mutilated, and women in the Middle East are subject to ACTUAL misogyny courtesy of a religion that teaches that it’s perfectly acceptable to beat them if they get out of line, because the man is stronger than the woman and it is his place to tell her what’s-what.  That’s Islam, in case you didn’t know.  A religion that the left suck’s the cock of, which just baffles me since they call everything under the sun sexist.  I guess SyeTenAtheist was right after all.  But don’t you worry, men.  There is a list published of 100 ways to make women’s lives “more bearable.”  I’m sure this isn’t going to be the cringiest thing ever.  Nope, not even a little.  Here’s a link to it, now let’s get on with this.

1. Before explaining something to a woman, ask yourself if she might already understand. She may know more about it than you do.

I don’t explain things to people unless they ask.  I don’t give a fuck if they are ignorant.  I’m perfectly fine with letting people wallow in their own stupidity.  I live in America, after all.  Dumb ain’t hard to find here.  If she is asking for me to explain something, then she wants to know about it and I have been given an answer to if she knows more about it than I do.

2. Related: Never, ever try to explain feminism to a woman.

Here’s my explanation – a values system that has been horribly twisted into a PC buzzword battle here in the First World, but would be very useful in the Third World.  Like in countries where women have to wear a burka or else they get beaten, and where if a woman claims to be raped and she doesn’t have three witnesses, she’s a lying whore and can be beaten by law.  Countries like that could use it.

3. Trans women are women. Repeat that until you perish.

They identify as women, and I have no problem with that.  Identify as whatever you like, sugar-tits.  If they haven’t completely transitioned, then they are still biologically male, but they can identify as female and I have no issue.  Doesn’t bother me or even concern me in the slightest.

4. RESPECT PEOPLE’S PRONOUNS. It’s not hard.

I couldn’t agree more!  My pronouns are master/master/master.  So when you talk about me, it has to be “master said that I’m stupid.”  By the way, what does this have to do with making women’s lives more bearable?  This seems like a pet peeve of yours that has nothing to do with women as a larger demographic.

5. Remember that fat women exist and aren’t all trying to get thin. Treat them with respect.

I treat everyone the way I would want to be treated.  The Golden Rule.

6. In fact, just never comment on a woman’s body.

If she asks for my opinion, I’m going to give it.  If she doesn’t like the answer, she shouldn’t have asked the question, should she have?

7. Be kind to women in customer service positions. Tip them extra. (But not in a creepy way.)

I tip people in customer service based on their quality of service.  If my waitress is doing poorly, she’s getting a bad tip.  Sorry, not sorry.

8. Trust women. When they teach you something, don’t feel the need to go and check for yourself. And especially do not Google it in front of them.

Um, no.  If I hear some female tell me that women have magical wings attached to their butts, I’m going to Google right in front of them and show them that there is ZERO evidence of that contention.  If you say something stupid in front of me, I’m going to revel in showing how dumb you are.  Granted, if I know that a woman is an expert on something, I will listen with rapt attention.  Like how my girly-mate in the Navy talks about military life, I find it engrossing beyond belief.

9. Don’t maintain a double standard for… anything, ever.

Oh boy does that not bode well for feminism.  Hey, how’s that double-standard about if a partner is drunk during sex it’s rape?  Only applies to women in every single piece of propaganda I have heard about it.  Or if you don’t ask for consent every ten minutes, it’s rape.  If she initiated sex with you and she doesn’t keep asking, is it rape?  There are a LITANY of double-standards associated with modern, First World feminism that you lot are perfectly happy to ignore.

10. CLOSE YOUR LEGS ON PUBLIC TRANSIT, OH MY GOD.

If there is someone looking to sit, I’ll move.  If there’s no one around, I’ll let my balls have some room.  Your ignorance on male anatomy is quite something.

11. Trying to describe a woman positively? Say she’s “talented,” “clever,” or “funny.” Not “gorgeous,” “sweet,” or “cute.”

If she is being talented or clever, I’ll say that.  If she is trying something on or doing her makeup and is looking for validation that it looks good, I’ll tell her she’s cute or gorgeous or any number of positive attributes associated with one’s appearance.  Don’t fucking tell me how to talk to my people, bitch.

12. Examine your language when talking about women. Get rid of “irrational,” “dramatic,” “bossy,” and “badgering” immediately.

No.  If that’s what they’re being, I’ll call them out on it.  Sorry if that bugs you (not really).

13. Don’t think to yourself, I describe men like that too. A) You probably don’t. B) If you do, it’s to criticize them for acting like a woman.

Um, no.  I describe them as such if they’re being irrational, dramatic, bossy, or badgering.  I don’t associated adjectives with exclusively one gender.  Stop forcing your beliefs and values system on me.  I don’t appreciate it.

14. Do you love “fiery” Latina women? “Strong” Black women? “Mysterious” Asian women? Stop. Pick up a book on decolonial feminism. Read.

No again.  I love smart, nerdy, interesting, thoughtful, loyal, or empathetic Latina, black, or Asian women.  Don’t tell me how I think about these people.  You are really forcing your personal insecurities on everyone else with this.  I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

15. Stop calling women “feisty.” We don’t need a special lady word for “has an opinion.”

Yeah, this is all just your personal insecurities.  I don’t describe women as feisty for having opinions.  I consider them feisty if they like it rough during sex.  If they have a lot of opinions, I consider them principled.

16. Recognize women’s credibility when you introduce them. “Donna is lovely” is much less useful than “Donna knows shitloads about architecture.”

What?  I’m not following.  I don’t introduce somebody as lovely.  I introduce them as my girly-mate who I know from work, or college, or grew up with, or who is in the Navy.  There are many terms I use to introduce people.  I’m not her agent.  It’s not my job to pimp out her credentials.  I believe she is smart and capable enough to do that on her own.  Way to show how “empowered” women are.

17. Think about how you describe the young women in your family. Celebrate them for being funny and smart, not for being pretty and compliant.

I have never raised being compliant as a virtue to extol.  If the person is smart or funny, I will refer to them as such.  If they are dumb as shit but look good, I’ll say they’re pretty.  I’m not gonna give people credit they haven’t earned.  America does that too much as it is.

18. Examine the way you talk about women you’re attracted to. Fat women, old women, queer, trans, and powerful women are not your “guilty crush.”

I don’t have “guilty crushes.”  I have women I am attracted to.  Sounds like you are forcing more of your insecurities on people.  Don’t put that on me.

19. Learn to praise a woman without demonizing other women. “You’re not like other girls” is not a compliment. I want to be like other girls. Other girls are awesome.

Boy is this telling about the feminist mindset.  You don’t want to be unique.  You want to be a fucking hive mind.  Good to know.  Go join the Borg, bitch.  As for me, I extol people who are unique.  The biggest insult I can give for someone is to call them plastic.  Fake.  Just like everybody else.

20. Share writing by women. Don’t paraphrase their work in your own Facebook post to show us all how smart or woke you are. I guarantee the woman said it better in the first place.

I’ll share the writing of women when I find it worth sharing.  And typically if I share someone’s post, I’ll just be hitting share.  So yeah, that is dumb.

21. Buy sanitary pads and tampons and donate them to a homeless shelter. Just do it.

No.  Don’t tell me what to do with my money.

22. How much of what you are watching/reading/listening to was made by women? Gender balance your bookcase.

No!  Tell you what, you find me some great female science fiction, fantasy, or corporate espionage fiction and recommend it to me, I’ll check it out.  I judge works based on the works, not who wrote or directed them.  If that’s a problem, too fucking bad.  Go write some good literature or direct some good movies.  I’ll be right here.

23. Feeling proud of your balanced bookcase? Are there women of color there? Trans, queer, and disabled women? Poor women? Always make sure you’re being intersectional.

Oh fuck off.

24. Don’t buy media that demeans women’s experiences, valorizes violence against women, or excludes them entirely from a cast. It’s not enough to oppose those things. You have to actively make them unmarketable.

Examples, bitch.  And don’t say GTA V, because I already don’t own that.  I don’t buy GTA games because if you’ve played one of them, you’ve played them all.  It’s boring.  Tell you what, you list things that you think fit this category and I’ll tell you if I partake of them or not.  And if I do like them, I will be happy to debate with you why I think they are perfectly acceptable.  Good luck.

25. Pay attention to stories with nuanced female characters. It will be interesting, I promise.

I do like nuanced female characters.  I also like nuanced male characters too.  I like characters in my stories to feel human.  How about you?

26. If you read stories to a child, swap the genders.

No

27. Watch women’s sport. And just call it “sports.”

I hate sports

28. Withdraw your support from sports clubs, institutions, and companies that protect and employ rapists and abusers.

I’m glad you brought this up.  So you withdrew your support from Feminist Frequency, correct?  She has a pedophile called Valis77 as her mod on her streams.  Live up to your own standards, bitch.

29. Stop raving about Woody Allen. I don’t care if he shits gold. Find a non-accused-abuser to fanboy over.

I’m not gonna stop liking his films just because of the fact that he has been accused of things.  I am not gonna stop liking films Kevin Spacey was in either.  I can separate the art from the artist.  It’s why I think Ashly Burch is a great voice actress, even though she has retarded-ass opinions and is an SJW.

30. It’s General Leia, not princess. The Doctor has a companion, not an assistant. It’s Doctor Bartlett, not Mrs Madame First Lady.

It’s First Lady Bartlett, bitch.  You’re adding additional honorifics where none were required.  English is hard, apparently.  For you.

31. Cast women in parts written for men. We know how to rule kingdoms, go to war, be, not be, and wait for Godot.

No.  This is another instance of you asking other people to do what you can do yourself.  If you want to have films with women in male roles, go direct them.  Feminists want the rest of the world to do everything for them.  At least the creators of Steven Universe took their SJW ideology and ran with it.  Got infinitely more respect for them than you.

32. Pay for porn.

Sometimes I do.  There are vids from my favorite pornstars they make on Manyvids that I can’t get anywhere else.  The women who prove their chops in porn earn my dough, not just anyone.

33. Recognize that sex work is work. Be an advocate for and ally to sex workers without speaking for them.

I love how you make it impossible to agree with you by adding shit on that wasn’t necessary.  As an example – I do support sex workers.  I want to legalize prostitution so we can get it off the street and help get women away from pimps.  Get establishments that are professional and can be kept safe from STDs and violence.  But you had to add on stupid bullshit about not speaking for them.  I don’t claim to, bitch.  I claim to support their right to have their world legally recognized and regulated.  Fuck.  Feminists make it so hard to agree with them on anything because they have to be so fucking combative in their approach to EVERYTHING.

34. Share political hot takes from women as well as men. They might not be as widely accessible, so look for them.

I follow plenty of women on Twitter with political opinions that run the gamut.  I like nuance in my life.  Do you?

35. Understand that it was never “about ethics in journalism.”

Yeah it was.  Your piss-poor knowledge of history is not my fault.

36. Speak less in meetings today to make space for your women colleagues to share their thoughts. If you’re leading the meeting, make sure women are being heard as much as men.

I never speak in meetings unless I have to.  Don’t have anything to add.  Unless of course snark becomes an attribute that workplaces appreciate.  Granted, if I have a question, I will ask, because I want to learn.  And by the way, at every meeting I have attended, the one leading it has been a woman.  The ratio of men to women in my office is totally XX sided.

37. If a woman makes a good point, say, “That was a good point.” Don’t repeat her point and take credit for it.

Nobody does this.  Nobody, anywhere, does this.  This is in the magical “Shit The Never Happens Land.”

38. Promote women. Their leadership styles may be different than yours. That’s probably a good thing.

If I am running a business, or am in a managerial capacity to promote people at a business, I’ll promote a woman if she is qualified.  If she has proven that she has the capabilities to be promoted.  I judge people individually.  Sorry if that’s a problem (no I’m not).

39. Recruit women on the same salary as men. Even if they don’t ask for it.

Um, no.  Salary negotiations is a skill. It’s one that has to be proven.  I believe that women can measure up, they just have to be better about taking that risk.  It’s science that women are more averse to risk-taking.  That’s not my problem.  You go on and on about how biology is just a construct.  Here’s a chance to prove that.

40. Open doors for women with caring responsibilities by offering flexible employment contracts.

No.  If I am an employer and I have very specific requirements for this position, and they can’t meet those or are unable to work under the requirements specified, that’s on them.  Again, I believe there are plenty of women who are eager to prove themselves who will be up to the challenge.  I love how this whole section devoted to business is basically talking down to women.  Gotta love modern feminism.

41. If you meet a man and a woman at work, do not assume the man is the superior for literally no reason.

I assume that anyone could be a superior at work.  That’s part of why I am courteous in general.  I don’t want to make a bad impression on someone who may have power over me at some point.

42. If you’re wrongly assumed to be more experienced than a woman colleague, correct that person and pass the platform to the woman who knows more.

I have a coworker in my department right now who I direct people to all the time because she has been there vastly longer than I have and if they have questions I figure she can handle them better.  I don’t make some big deal about it.  The only reason they come to me in the first place is because I sit closer to the door and people are lazy.

43. Make a round of tea for the office.

No.

44. Wash it up.

No!

45. If you find you’re only interviewing men for a role, rewrite the job listing so that it’s more welcoming to women.

This is so fucking patronizing to women.  Hey ladies, you are afraid of working at a job because the listing is scary!  Yeah, that doesn’t talk down to women at all.  Unbelievable.

46. Make sure you have women on your interview panel.

If there is a woman at the office who I believe has the criteria to judge who is qualified for the position, then absolutely.  They may not have knowledge of certain things that are involved with this position that would exclude an applicant.  If not, then no.

47. Tell female colleagues what your salary is.

No.  I am under no obligation to tell anyone what my salary is.  Nor should I be expected to.

48. Make sure there’s childcare at your events.

If it’s a family event, sure.  If not, like a Christmas party or something, babysitters exist.  I wanna watch Kelly get drunk and dance naked on the copier with the adults.

49. Don’t schedule breakfast meetings during the school run.

If the meeting is at the start of business, odds are it’s either at 8 or 9.  Not my fault that most schools start then.  If they work for me, they know to already be there at that time anyway.  So they would have already dropped their kids off.  That’s the price you pay for being a parent with a career.  You have to make sacrifices.  They could choose not to have the kid.

50. If you manage a team, make sure that your employees know that you recognize period pain and cystitis as legitimate reasons for a sick day.

If they have the leave hours, fine.  If they don’t, then they don’t get paid.  That’s how leave works in any business I would run.

51. If you have a strict boss (or mom or teacher) who is a woman, she is not a “bitch.” Grow up.

You can be strict without being a bitch.  Plenty of teachers I have looked up to have been just that.  There is a stark difference between a strict and effective leader, and a bitch who just wants to be in charge.  I’m sorry nobody told you that.

52. Expect a woman to do the stuff that’s in her job description. Not the other miscellaneous shit you don’t know how to do yourself.

You ever see those sections on job listings saying there may be other tasks as required?  That’s why.  Because sometimes you get stuck at a job doing the ramshackle shit that has to be done.  If I am a supervisor, then I will assign it.  But they are free to ask for assistance if there is confusion on the task or if they need training.

53. Refuse to speak on an all-male panel.

No.

54. In a Q&A session, only put your hand up if you have A QUESTION. Others didn’t attend to listen to you.

Guess what, nimrod, if I’m at a panel that is a Q&A and I put my hand up, it’s because I have a fucking question!  Condescending bitch.

55. If you have friends or family members who use slurs or discriminate against trans or non-binary people, sit them down and explain why they must stop. (This goes for cis women, too.)

No.  I believe in freedom of speech.  I may not like it, and if they ask if I agree with them on their usage of those slurs, I will tell them I do not, but I believe people are free to say whatever the fuck they want.  I’m not here to tell other people what to think.  Unlike you, I don’t want to be a part of a hive mind.  While I may not agree with some of my people all of the time, I believe that if everyone thinks the same, the world is really fucking boring.  I’m aware that that is something totally antithetical to your view of reality.  You want absolute homogeneity.

56. If you have friends or family members who use slurs or discriminate against women of other races, sit them down and explain why they must stop. (This goes for white women, too.)

See previous answer.

57. If you see women with their hands up, put yours down. This can be taken as a metaphor for a lot of things. Think about it.

Fuck you!  If I have a question, I’m gonna fucking ask!  If Linda asks the question I was going to, I’ll put my hand down, because I got my answer.  But if I want to learn something at work, I am going to fucking ask.

58. Raising a feminist daughter means she’s going to disagree with you. And probably be right. Feel proud, not threatened.

If I have a daughter, I am going to expose her to what a toxic, patronizing, sexist, dogmatic hive modern feminism is.  Believe you me, I will be exposing her to that, and it will be an eye-opening experience for her.

59. Teach your sons to listen to girls, give them space, believe them, and elevate them.

I’ll teach my sons and daughters to treat other people with empathy.  Unlike you, I don’t have a double-standard.  Which reminds me, you belief about not having double-standards, this list is a LITANY of them all on its own.  You are so full of shit.

60. Dads, buy your daughter tampons, make her hot water bottles, wash her bras. Show her that her body isn’t something to be ashamed of.

Honey, I have lived with a couple of women.  I’ve bought tampons for them, washed their clothes.  I am not afraid of girl stuff.  This is another belief that you have with no basis in reality.  As for showing her that her body is nothing to be afraid of, if I have a daughter, I will dread the day that we have “the talk,” and will hope her mother is still part of our family so she can take the reigns on it just because I am not good with awkward situations.  I would be just as awkward about my son.  Probably moreso, because I figure I can’t weasel my way out of that one and I am just fucked.

61. But dads, do not try to iron her bras. This is a mistake you will only make once.

No, I wouldn’t.  I’m not this retarded male stereotype you have in your head.

62. Examine how domestic labor is divided in your home. Who does the cleaning, the childcare, the organizing, the meal budgeting? Sons, this goes for you, too.

Here’s the thing, sugar-tits, if I have a partner that I’m living with, I figure the two of us would have an arrangement about how the household chores get done.  That’s part of being in a relationship – talking to your partner.  I’m sorry you never learned about that.

63. Learn how to do domestic tasks to a high standard. “I’d only do it wrong” is a bullshit excuse.

Oh look!  Another example of things from “Shit that Never Happens Land”!

64. Never again comment on how long it takes a woman to get ready. WE ARE TRYING TO MEET THE RIDICULOUS STANDARDS OF A SYSTEM YOU BENEFIT FROM.

Oh fuck off!  The ONLY people who care about how a woman looks are other women.  Period.  Or guys so vain that if you are with them in the first place you already accepted that.  Who do you think reads beauty magazines?  Who do you think judges the dresses of women at Hollywood awards shows?  It’s other women!  Men don’t care.  I don’t benefit since I tend to prefer women who like how they look naturally and aren’t so concerned with how everyone else thinks.  Self-confidence is a big turn-on in a romantic sense.  Sexual too.  I like a woman who knows what she wants in bed as well.

65. Challenge the patriarchs in your religious group when they enable the oppression of women.

I’m an atheist.  Doesn’t apply to me.

66. Challenge the patriarchs in your secular movement when they enable the oppression of women.

No such animal.  All of the male voices in the secular community I listen to are not sexist idiots like you.

67. Trust women’s religious choices. Don’t pretend to liberate them just so you can criticise their beliefs.

If they’ve embraced modern feminism, they are already a part of a church I don’t want into.  So yeah, I’m good on this too.

68. Examine who books your trips, arranges outings, organizes Christmas, buys birthday cards. Is it a woman? IS IT?

Hey bitch, I live alone.  Been single for a long time.  I have no money for trips.  That’s a nice dream I can have.  Outings?  Those happen when I have something I think looks like fun.  Organizes Christmas?  All me, honey.  I make the desserts like I did last year that were a smash hit.  Don’t buy birthday cards.  A waste of money.  So fuck off!

69. And if it is actually you, a man, don’t even dare get in touch with me looking for your medal.

I think you can suck a dick, bitch.  Or a lick a pussy.  I figure that’s more to your liking.

70. Take stock of the emotional labor you expect from women. Do you turn to the women around you for emotional support and give nothing in return?

Male or female, I do everything I can to support the people in my life, if they come to me.  I put a lot of effort into being a good friend.  I give and give and give, asking for nothing in return.  It has sucked the life out of me.  Makes how, when I am hurting and reach out, nobody seems to have the time of day hurt that much worse.  I believe in loyalty to whoever is in my life.  Too bad that it is a one-way street in my world.

71. Remember that loving your mom/sister/girlfriend is not the same as giving up your own privilege to progress equality for women. And that gender inequality extends beyond the women in your direct social group.

You were born with Original Sin!  Now enter the church of feminism and be cleansed in the name of Anita!

72. Don’t assume that all women are attracted to men.

I don’t.  I assume you aren’t.  But one of my favorite girly-mates is gay as the day is long.  So yeah, fuck off.

73. Don’t assume that a woman in public wants to talk to you just because she’s in public.

I tend to avoid talking to people in public on my own because I have crippling social anxiety.  But because I am taller than everyone and people come talk to me, you’d never know that.  When people talk to me, I am pretty great.  If someone doesn’t, I try to avoid making eye contact with them.

74. If a woman tells you she was raped, assaulted, or abused, don’t ask her for proof. Ask how you can support her.

I will tell her to go to the police, because I want the person who did that brought to justice.  See, my personal inclination to believe them due to a preexisting friendship needs to be negated by the issue being settled in a court of law.

75. If you see a friend or colleague being inappropriate to a woman, call him out. You will survive the awkwardness, I promise.

If someone is being a jerk to anyone, and I am familiar enough with them to approach them about it, I will.  It’s called being a good person.  And unlike you, I will do that if they are being that way to a man or a woman.  It’s called not having a double-standard, which you clearly do.

76. Repeat after me: Always. Hold. Men. Accountable. For. Their. Actions.

Actions, sure.  Words, no.  If it’s a potential crime, I’ll hold them accountable if they are found guilty of it.  I don’t believe in the court of public opinion that you all want to make.

77. Do not walk too close to a woman late at night. That shit can be scary.

Honey, I walk very slowly naturally.  I guarantee you that she is outpacing me.

78. If you see a woman being followed or otherwise bothered by a stranger, stick around to make sure she’s safe.

If I see someone about to attack her, I’ll step in.  Otherwise, I am not just going to make assumptions about a random person talking to a random female.

79. This should go without saying: Do not yell unsolicited “compliments” at women on the street. Or anywhere.

Again, crippling social anxiety.  But there’s nothing to be in quotations about.  I’m not yelling “nice titties!” to some female.  But if someone I know is out and about and I see them, I may wave or something to get their attention.  You all take anyone yelling things, no matter how innocuous, as a threat.  That’s on you, not us.

80. If you are a queer man, recognize that your sexuality doesn’t exclude you from potential misogyny.

Recognize that there has been plenty of misandry on this list.

81. If you are a queer man, recognize that your queer women or non-binary friends may not feel comfortable in a male-dominated space, even if it’s dominated by queer men.

They can go somewhere else.  I’m not forcing anyone to stay where I am.

82. Be happy to have women friends without needing them to want to sleep with you. The “friend zone” is not a thing. We do not owe you sex.

Got plenty of platonic women friends.  And the friend zone exists in that there are people who you see just as friends and not potential partners.  It’s not just men with “Nice Guy Syndrome” who invented that.  You seem to forget that there are women who can be in there too.  Plenty of women have guys they are interested in who don’t see them the same way.

83. Remember that you can lack consent in situations not involving sex—such as when pursuing uninterested women or forcing a hug on a colleague.

Wait, one of these things is not like the other.  Pursuing an uninterested woman?  Like how?  As in asking her out on a date?  Or asking if she wants to have sex?  What’s the problem?  So long as if she says no you don’t push it further, you did nothing wrong.  Can only woman approach men about dating or sex?  No wonder publications are asking why men are so pussy around women these days.  You promote it.

84. Champion sex positive women but don’t expect them to have sex with you.

I assume no woman, ever or will ever, wants to have sex with me.  My hatred of myself is a force of nature.

85. Trust a woman to know her own body. If she says she won’t enjoy part of your sexual repertoire, do not try to convince her otherwise.

I don’t do one-night stands.  I do do friends with benefits, back when I had people in my life who dug that.  If I am intimate with someone, I try and keep the lines of communication open.  There is also reading body signals, like being them being uncomfortable.  Unlike you, I think intimacy is a thing.  How I feel for the men who would get with people like you.  Those poor bastards.  They stuck their dick in crazy.

86. Be sensitive to nonverbal cues from women, especially around sex. We’re not just being awkward for no reason. (You read “Cat Person,” didn’t you?)

What do you know, I just talked about this.

87. It is not cute to try to persuade a woman to have sex with you. EVER. AT ALL. Go home.

Being the Roosh V kinda creeper, yeah, that isn’t cute.  But if you are in a serious relationship with someone and you want to talk about the idea of sex, it shouldn’t be off the table.  That being said, don’t be a creeper.  It’s a balancing act, one that has no clear answer.

88. Same goes for pressuring women to have sex without a condom. Go. Home. And masturbate.

If you are having sex with someone, communication is the point.  If you are having a one-night stand, you are an idiot if you don’t have a condom.  If you are in a serious relationship, there is no reason you can’t negotiate with your partner.

89. Accidentally impregnated a women who doesn’t want a kid? Abortions cost money. Pay for half of it.

And of the guys who wanted her to have the kid and don’t get a choice in the matter (I do support a woman’s rights to her body, but the lack of male options in getting to opt out of having a child is something I’ve talked about before)?  Not all men are pigs who don’t want to be a good father.  I’m aware you probably don’t believe that, but still.

90. Accidentally came inside a woman without protection? Plan B is expensive. Pay for all of it.

No.  Ladies, you took that risk if you had sex without protection.  If he didn’t have a condom, you could have opted out, or gotten birth control.  It’s not his fault that you didn’t take the due diligence to protect yourself.

91. Get STD tested. Regularly. Without having to be asked.

That goes both ways.  As someone who had to get tested because someone I was intimate with didn’t tell me about their sexual history (I am clean, thank Groj!), this is such a blatant double-standard.

92. Examine your opinion on abortion. Then put it in a box. Because, honestly, it’s completely irrelevant.

Already pro-choice.  Whatever.

93. Understand that disabled women are whole, sexual human beings. Listen to and respect them.

Wait…what?  I’m not even sure what this is talking about.

94. Understand that not all women have periods or vaginas.

Understand that if I am getting intimate with someone who identifies as a woman, and they have a dick, I’m not going to be attracted to them anymore.  That’s life.  Don’t like dicks on my women.

95. Believe women’s pain. Periods hurt. Endometriosis is real. Polycystic ovaries, vaginal pain, cystitis. These things are real. Hysteria isn’t.

Believe men’s pain.  Smashing your balls between your legs hurts.  A lot.  Not that you care.  Because you’re a bitch.

96. If a woman accidentally bleeds on you, try your absolute best to just keep your shit together.

I’ll be more annoyed about stains on my clothes than anything.  Blood don’t come out easy.

97. Lobby your elected officials to implement high quality sex education in schools.

Wow.  Something on this list that I agree with 100%.  Holy shit!  This is weird.

98. Uplift young Black and Indigenous girls at every possible opportunity. No excuses.

If they’ve earned it, sure.  If they haven’t, no.  And haven’t we talked about this already?

99. Do not ever assume you know what it’s like.

What what’s like?

100. Mainly, just listen to women. Listen to us and believe us. It’s the only place to start if you actually want all women to have a “Happy International Women’s Day.”

I don’t “listen and believe” anyone.  I don’t accept articles of faith.  I left the church for a reason.  Not looking to set up shop at yours

I am NEVER doing anything like this again.  There’s another list for people of color (I hate that term so much.  It’s an “of” and “ed” away from colored people), and I am not touching that with a ten foot pole.  This is so annoying.  I’m done.

Until next time, a quote,

“I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.” – Professor Farnsworth, Futurama

Peace out,

Maverick

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My Views on Assisted Suicide, Part Deux

I’ve said in the past that I think that those who are suffering from terminal illnesses should be allowed to seek assisted suicide.  My views on this were sharpened by an episode of FRONTLINE called “The Suicide Tourist” (linked here).  The story of Craig Ewert is heart-breaking stuff.  To go from a very vibrant man to a shell of a human being, watching your body slowly decay and losing control of your faculties, I can’t imagine what that’s like.  Well, to an extent.  When I was 14 I smashed my skull open.  I died for a little bit there, when my heart stopped.  I was in a coma for a month.  Coming out of that, I could barely move, couldn’t do anything for myself.  It was the most emasculating and humiliating experience of my life.  To be 14 years old, and unable to do basic bodily functions by yourself.  It was so utterly dehumanizing to not even be able to wipe my own ass without my mother’s help.  It was there or a nurse, and my pride couldn’t take someone else doing that.  It was awful.  Granted, I did get stronger as I went along, but I can at least understand some of what Ewert was feeling.

There was a story a few years back of a woman who was dying of cancer, in constant pain, who also wanted to end her life.  I wrote a post in support of that.  One of my best friends, I got to watch her mother die of lung cancer.  It happened because she smoked like a chimney, and didn’t really think too hard about the consequences.  What it did to my girly-mate and I to see that was just awful.  Had she pursued that course of action, I would have totally understood.

However, there was a story in the news recently that also got my attention.  It is also very harrowing stuff, as it is about a person who is a very smart mind, forced to confront a different kind of dying and his choices about that.  The story was about an Australian scientists named David Goodall (linked here).  He’s 104 and he wants to die.  The man isn’t terminally ill.  His belief is that his quality of life has reached a point where it will never improve, which is true, and he wants to end his life.  He has flown to Switzerland, much as Ewert did, to end his life.

This got me to thinking about the idea of those who are not terminally ill, but very old and their right to die.  Got me to thinking about my grandmother on my mother’s side.  See, she also was slowly deteriorating.  More and more, she couldn’t take care of herself.  It was coming to the point that my parents were wondering if they should take her in to take care of her.  A lot like me, she couldn’t do basic functions without help.  And a lot like me, she had my mother sometimes helping her with that.  I think about what it must be like, to have your child helping you go to the bathroom.  It must be so humiliating and degrading.  All of your pride just dies away as you watch that.

I thought about if my parents ever did take her in, and if she were ever to ask me to help her end her life.  Would I have done it?  Honestly, yeah.  I’m pretty sure I would have.  Seeing how she was at the end and her quality of life, I probably would have helped her.  The truly tragic irony is that what killed her was a blind, stupid accident.  It was an ugly way to go.  Her head get stuck between the bars at the head of her special medical bed at the old folk’s home she was living at.  She was trying to get in bed.  Something happened, and her head was stuck in there.  Essentially, she was strangled to death by the bars.  Ugly way to die.  Unfortunate.

Looking at stories like David Goodall, I think about how those who reach a certain age and quality of life should be allowed to seek assisted suicide legally.  There’s no good reason why they can’t.  Now, I can hear people already saying that it would be exploited by greedy children looking to get inheritance.  I do see that potential for abuse.  Convincing people who are elderly and mentally compromised to end their lives.  But just like what is done in Switzerland, there should be a process where you verify that a person is of sound mind.  That their reasoning is solid.

I have a special relationship with death.  Having been physically dead once, I don’t view it as something to be afraid of.  It’s a constant companion.  As the telomeres decay at the end of each linear chromosome, you are aging.  Only cancer cells are immortal.  It will come for all of us, sooner or later.  If you are one of the people who is stuck in that position that your ability to live is so miserable that each day holds nothing for you, there’s no rational reason to force you to continue existing.  We allow pets whose quality of life has decayed to nothing the opportunity to die.  People should be given it too.

Every single day I take walks.  Each of my 15 minute breaks at work are spent walking.  I want to be able to have an active life.  Obesity runs in my family.  I’m overweight, but I love pizza too much to ever truly be skinny.  But I want to be active enough to have people in my life want to do something sometime (a man can dream) and to be like “sure, that sounds like fun.”  Granted, because of my nerve damage in my feet, I’m not gonna be hiking a mountain or spending all day on my feet, but I’d like to be able to go on adventures for a few hours and be able to make the most of my life.

People seem to believe that life is a sacred thing.  It must be cherished and fought for.  Some truth to that.  If life is worth nothing, why would anyone keep living?  I view my life as worth very little, but it does at least have some value.  I can watch movies, read books, play games, search for great stories.  Narratives that move my heart, make my soul take flight.  Given how little personal interaction or stimulation I have with actual human beings, fiction is about the best I’ve got.  It’s sad that I feel more kinship with fictional characters than I do real people.  These days, anyway.

That went on a tangent.  The point is – if a person’s quality of life is such that waking up each day is no longer an experience that is tolerable, filled with pain or weakness, there’s no logical reason to force that person to continue to live.  None.  I wish David Goodall a peaceful hereafter.  I wished Craig Ewert peace.  I don’t believe in God, but if there is something after all of this, hopefully their next phase isn’t as painful as the one here.

Until next time, a quote,

“I’m not tired of living.  I’m tired of the disease, but I’m not tired of living.  I’d like to keep living, but I can’t.” – Craig Ewert

Peace out,

Maverick

In Memory of Justin

What do you do, when you wake up day and find out that someone who was far too young passed on?  When it was someone that you had known and even been talking to a week or two before they had passed?  When it’s so sudden that it doesn’t feel real?  That’s what I’ve been wrestling with for the last couple weeks.  It’s a hard thing to think about.  I’ve had a dear companion die very recently, and on the 19th, I found out that a friend of mine who I am horrifically ashamed to admit I hadn’t kept as close to as I should have also died.  It’s an ugly world.  Where lights can get snuffed out in an instant.  It’s a reality I have been aware of for far too long.

Normally with these I have done things going through the lives of the people I am remembering.  Thing is, I didn’t know Justin in his early years.  The two of us met in high school, through another friend who I haven’t been keeping up with the way I should.  So, I figured I would just reminisce on the memories I did share with Justin, and the thoughts about the impact that he left on me, along with what I believe has and will stick with me.

Been trying for days to think of how I first met Justin.  Wanna know the crazy thing?  It was my sophomore year in high school.  You know how long ago that was?  That was in 2004.  That was 14 years ago.  Holy fuck!  That feels like two lifetimes ago.  I feel like I’ve been in my 20’s for forever.  No joke, it feel like I have been doing this for fucking eternity.  High school is this vague conception from some other eternity long passed.  It was such a blink in the vast ocean of time after my head injury.  Before then is all pretty vague.  I don’t remember things the way normal people do.  I don’t remember the past like some movie that I can put on.  To me it’s like conceptual thoughts.  There are sensory experiences, bits and pieces that play like a movie, and other things that are a shadowy extrapolation.  It’s hard to understand, I know, but that’s the best I can describe it.

One thing about Justin is that just like our mutual friend, but nowhere close to myself, he was a pretty big guy.  A pretty tall guy.  You know, for all you normal sized midget people.  To me he was average.  Right where I’m at.  Because I’m not really tall.  I’m normal.  The rest of you all are short.  It’s a conspiracy and everyone is in on it to have me thinking I’m tall.  But he was a pretty tall guy for all you normal people.  So is our mutual friend, Bryce.  Him and I go back much further, but that’s a story for another day.

I do remember that I met Justin through Bryce because of his father.  His father was the teacher who led the ELP group at my school.  He also became one of my favorite teachers years later, when I had him for Drama.  Guy was the best example of a fun teacher.  He had fun lectures, did fun projects, and had everyone get involved.  Including something that I hear had disappeared from the school and for which I gained a TON of notoriety for – lip synchs.  Those productions were some of the most fun I ever had during my boredom at high school.

Because Justin’s father was the head of ELP, and Bryce was in that program, I spent many a lunch period chilling with him in the room that his father was cornered up in.  That was where I met Justin.  Tall, braggadocious, and he had a lazy eye.  To my credit, as much of asshole as I was in high school, I never made light of that.  I’m proud of myself for that fact.

So let me run through some memories that stick out in my mind from our time together.  There was this tiny little kid named Jake.  I know his last name, but I’ll keep that to myself, but it sticks out for how odd it was.  Thing about Jake, he was a tiny kid with some physical disorders that contributed to his absolutely tiny size.  It also led to some health problems for him down the road which are also quite tragic.  But Justin had a rather fun idea – why not put Jake in a backpack and carry him around?  So he did.  That’s exactly what he did.  Put that tiny young man into a large backpack and carried him around.  If we had had camera phones, I’d be attaching that video here, mark my words.  Yeah, this was before the days where everyone had a phone to record video.  The horror!  All of these memories get to be in my heart.

Then there was the time that Justin had a video camera and decided to record me.  Now, in high school I was something of an edgy asshole.  As such, I tended to let my mouth wander away with me.  On this day, he recorded me saying that if I was going to cripple America in a substantial way, it would be by blowing up Congress during the State of the Union address.  Strategically it is a valuable time to strike.  It would cripple this country in a very profound way.  It was made known to me by his father at the time Justin was recording and egging on my response that one could consider that video a terrorist recording.  That did admittedly give me pause.  I wasn’t the insane idiot that I am today who fears no consequences.  At least I wasn’t as aware of it then.  I found out something about that later.

Over the last couple years, I’ve been fighting depression in a very big way.  It’s been getting harder and harder.  The winter is always the worst.  I live in an icebox where it’s dark all the fucking time during the winter.  I feel so trapped when that happens.  I’m stuck and I have nowhere to go.  My social network has fallen apart in recent years, and my attempts to salvage whatever I can have resulted in abject failure.  This hits me especially hard considering that one night, I was very dour on my social media, and Justin reached out to me.  He was genuinely shocked at how unhappy I had become.  He told me that he had always looked up to me in high school.  That my anti-authority and debonair attitude had struck him as something worth looking up to me.  I didn’t have anything nice to say back.  I said that I’m an asshole with a bad attitude and that nobody should look up to me.  Given where we are now, I genuinely wish I hadn’t said that to him.  Thank Groj that that wasn’t the last conversation we had.

Another memory popped into my mind.  I was part of a play that was being put on.  I forgot what it was, but my role was to be the backup lighting and sound guy for Justin if he couldn’t be there for whatever reason.  So I ended up attending the performances for this show.  There were a couple.  The one that sticks out is where Justin and I was being dutiful, but there was an older acquaintance of the two of us named Donnie who came and sat with us in the back.  Now, Donnie must have been high, because he was absolutely out of control and would not shut the fuck up.  It came down to my compatriot and I thinking up a very depressing solution to the problem.  The fact that it took this to make who was now a grown man keep quiet is just depressing.  We gave him some paper and a pencil to draw on.  What he came up with was equal parts amusing and utterly immature.  The two of us recalled later with some amusement how we got a grown man to be quiet by treating him like he was five.  The irony isn’t lost on me.

There are lots of little pieces of abstract memories that pop in and out of my head.  Sitting in that tiny corner room chatting about whatever nerdom or geekery that we were into at that time.  I can’t think of specifics.  Hanging out with the girl who would eventually come to be my ex.  There are so many memories from back then that pop into my mind, but they don’t have shape or form.  I can’t hear the words I said and the picture is like the broken up worlds of the pictures in Life is Strange. I wish I could think of more.  Been wracking my brain for days.  Over a week now.  So surreal.

As I said early on, I had talked with Justin not long before he died.  A few weeks ago, I posted this article about how a woman chopped a guy’s dick off for not looking her in the eye during sex.  But she had such a lazy eye that I joked “which eye was he supposed to make eye contact with?”  Was dying of laughter.  Still funny thinking about it now.  Fate being what it is, Justin saw my post, and decided to comment on it.  At first he played all butthurt because of how he also had a lazy eye.  But I could see right through it.  He found it as funny as I did.  Led to some pretty good conversation.

A couple weeks later, I open my Facebook to see that my friend had died.  On the 16th.  Apparently it had been in his sleep.  The cause of death has not been determined as of yet.  I found out about it on the 19th.  I don’t think it feels real yet.  Like it’s one of his absolutely terrible jokes.  Justin was not good at humor.  So many dead baby jokes.  I laugh now, but that’s just because of hindsight and the some warm nostalgia.  Edgy teenagers trying to be edgy.  Still feels like I could get a message from Bryce like “gotcha!  Dumbass!  You should have seen the look on your face.”

Been postponing this post for a couple reasons.  First it was to get my information straight in my head.  Try and remember what I could.  But also because I didn’t want to rush this out the door and put even more hurt on his family.  His father was one of my favorite teachers, and I feel for him so much.  There was some other family that I never really got to know on a very personal level.  A sister and mother, both of whom I was told are pretty cool people.  My heart goes out to his father so much.  I cannot begin to imagine how awful it is to lose a child.  Was told that in June, on when would be his birthday there is going to be a memorial service, of a sort.  I told them I will be there, and I meant it.  Going there will be the hardest thing I have ever done.  Not a family member passing, but a friend.  Someone whose connection is something that is unique to him, myself, and the friends we had in common.  But I wouldn’t miss that for anything.

I guess that’s all I have to say.  Will be sending this to his family, and I encourage anyone who remembered his and feels comfortable sharing their own memories to post in the Comments.  If you haven’t commented before, I have to approve all newcomers, so if it doesn’t appear right away don’t sweat it.  But I always do, so don’t worry.

Now comes to hardest part.  How do I close it.  What is the quote that I want to say to close this out.  Don’t have many of them.  We didn’t keep up much in person, and the memories from back then are muddled.  Was looking through what I have in text that has stuck with me all this time.  Will post the one I like best.

Until next time, a quote,

A human life is something hard to play “god” with
Not that there is one.” – Justin Joehnk

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien Maverick’s Ikigai

I was just opened up to an idea that comes from Japan.  It’s called Ikigai, and the concept can most broadly be defined as “a reason for being.”  It has a very charming ven diagram that takes a look at the four categories.  See, the idea is that instead of just seeking happiness (which is something that due to my head injury I don’t feel anyway), we should be seeking a life that has purpose.  I like the concept.  This diagram allows you to really take a look at this issue and decide for yourself where you want to focus, letting you know what the perks, but also drawbacks are.  I want to tackle each thing one by one and see if we can find my ikigai.  This shouldn’t be too hard.  But first, a visual aid.  Let’s take a look at this.

Got the gist of it?  Let’s break this down, bit by bit.

What do you love?

This is pretty easy.  I love to write.  It’s something I’m damn good at.  This website is living testament to my writing prowess.  I’ve had it up for nine years.  That’s right, nine years of this.  Ever since I started this site with the news story I did interviewing people at the anti-Glenn Beck/Sarah Palin rally when the two were up here in my home state.  It was so raw, but it was the beginning of my work here.  Writing is what I have loved for so long, but it isn’t the only thing.

I love to cook too.  Just like writing, damn good at it.  I have years of experience doing it.  It’s weird that every task I have ever set my mind to and enjoyed doing, I’m good at.  Like really, really good.  I love to cook so much, and more than that, I love an audience for it.  When I can get people in my life who like to eat what I have to make it fills me with a great sense of accomplishment.  Because I can eat my creations and marvel at the flavors all day, but it’s something else when someone who is dear to me can too.  Alas, the way things are now is just a reminder to me of how my people are long ago and far away now.  It sucks.

So that part was pretty easy.  On to the next one.

What are you good at?

This part is also pretty easy.  Aside from the points I mentioned, I also have a lot of other tasks.  In addition to being good at everything I set my mind to, I learn things fast.  Really, really fast.  It’s kind of freakish how I can pick things up by getting into the nit and grit of them and do it.  There has yet to be something that does not fall into that category.

I also have a gift at making connections with people.  Everywhere I go, without a single exception, I become the talk of the area.  I my most recent job, I built up a reputation in two respects.  First, I was the best.  It goes without contest that in the customer service section of my employer, I was the best at what I did.  At least when I left there to go into the document processing section.  Best day ever.  But I did that task with such skill and became known as the guy that everyone could come to do things.  My head supervisor at the time saw me as something of an attitude problem, but to those I worked with directly, I was seen as sharp, witty, and a consummate professional on the phone.  I have a habit of getting under the skin of those who like to follow rules for the sake of them being rules, while making a ton of friends with those I work with for my desire to help them when they have problems, being the best at what I do, and having NO qualms about cutting corners wherever possible.  I’m an American, after all.  It’s what we do best.

These skills are a double-edged sword.  On the one hand, for bosses who see me as a person who also like to bend rules wherever they see them as detrimental, I am something of a hero.  For those who don’t like that, I am something of an attitude problem.  But make no mistake, the moment I enter into a new environment I find the fastest way to learn everything I need, and then become perfect at it.  Could give the samurai a run for their money.  Anyone who knows about the mentality of perfecting your art in their culture, you’ll know what I mean.

What does the world need from you?

Now that is a very, very good question.  I honestly don’t think anything.  My talents are asked for by no one and nobody really would care if I disappeared tomorrow.  It would be an inconvenience for those I work with, but not too much of one.  I am expendable because I’m still low on the totem pole.  I genuinely can’t think of anything that the world needs from me.

I’ve always hoped that my loyalty to my people and to my sense of personal ethics would carry some weight.  But that never stopped the countless people who have up and ditched me over the course of my life.  So then what about me as a human being does this world feel that I would provide a benefit for.  I genuinely couldn’t say.  Let me know if you have any ideas.

What can you get paid for?

Now there is the rub.  I can get paid for all sorts of things.  My traits mean that I am something of a jack of all trades.  It may be that the thing holding me back the most is my lack of stability.  I haven’t set down roots anywhere.  I want to.  The big idea is to get out of this icebox and down south to finally have a community I can live in without having to worry about leaving for the next five to ten years.

My writing skills are almost certainly never going to make me any real money.  I’m working on a novel right now, but I know that the chances of me hitting it big are astronomically small.  So that’s out.  Cooking?  I don’t want something that is a passion to become something I do to get paid.  Then it stops being fun and becomes work.  With what I listed above, the things I can get paid for are plentiful.  The things I can get paid a lot of money for or at least enough to live comfortably on, that’s another story.

So where does all this leave me?  The Ven diagram I shared above has it that I am somewhere between Vocation, Mission, and Profession.  It’s not a place I want to be, but the simple reality is that my Mission is clear – get south.  I want to get to the ocean.  To live on it.  That’s the last stop on my life’s journey.  I don’t actually think I’ll ever get there, but assuming I do, I have some decisions to make about where my life goes after that, if anywhere at all.  I wouldn’t mind adding some passion into my life, but that’s not going to happen.  At least not now.  Now in a job market as shitty as the one in my state now that the recession has FINALLY caught up with us.  A full ten years later.

I don’t know what the future holds, but this exercise has been interesting.  Let me know where you fall into things.  I actually do enjoy the discourse with my audience.

Until next time, a quote,

“Long ago and far away, I dreamed a dream one day.  And now, that dream is here beside me.  Long the skies were overcast, but now the clouds have passed.  You’re here, at last.” – Lyric, Long Ago and Far Away

Peace out,

Maverick

Really Good Bad Advice: Number Five

I decided that I’m bored, and I haven’t been able to feed my misanthropy enough lately.  See, I just moved to this other department in my job so I get to be away from the people on the phone.  It’s pretty great stuff.  Fun crew, so much less stress, and I get to come home feeling like I am alive.  Life’s not too bad, but I suppose I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And since I am looking to feed my misanthropy, I decided to look into some advice columns featuring the worst that sapient life has to offer.  I found one that got me thinking that there are women out there who need to slip and fall into a volcano.  Or, you know, be pushed.  Whichever.  Let’s respond to this woman’s question!

Dear Person who actually cares about me and my problem,

I’m 22 and have been dating a famous local businessman for a year and a half. He’s 42 and my first serious boyfriend, so I’m very attached. But we’ve had our ups and downs. First: He was afraid to publicly announce he was seeing a girl as young as I am so soon after his divorce. (This insulted me, but I got over it.) Second: He dumped me during a business “crisis” with a two-line e-mail! Then when he tried to win me back, I stopped him cold in his tracks and left for Scotland.

The lifestyles of the rich and famous.  Is this what famous people have to worry about in their relationships?  I mean yeah, a Dear John email seems kind of low.  You didn’t write what it was that you broke up over.  Maybe it’s because you’re insane.  Or petty.  Or the fact that there’s this HUGE age difference between you and you may not work together.  I gave up on love years ago, but I’m at a point in my life where the young women I am meeting are in their early 20’s and there are life references that hold weight for me that don’t for them.  With an age difference of 20 years, I can’t imagine what it’s like for the two of you.

Also, he didn’t publicly announce that he’s dating a woman half his age and you are insulted by that?  This is something about the world of social media that drives me nuts.  Everybody has to be so damn public about everything.  Why?  Why is it better to have your entire relationship out for the entire fucking world to see?  This baffles me.  Maybe that’s what the breaking point was in their relationship.  Makes sense to me.

He flew to Scotland and proposed in the most romantic way with a huge five-carat diamond! I said yes, though I thought the ring looked slightly wrong somehow. He makes over $750,000 a year, so I was worried he’d been ripped off by some shady jewelry store. When I returned to L.A., I found out from my jeweler that the ring was a FAKE! It was humiliating. I’d already shown it to family, friends—everyone!

What a materialistic bitch.  I feel so sorry for this guy.  He has the money to drop everything and go to Scotland on a whim to try and win you back.  He proposes and gives you a ring with a huge engagement stone.  This all appeared to be very romantic.  Now here you are bitching about the fact that the gem isn’t a real diamond.  For a 22 year old woman, you certainly are unfathomably picky.  Again, this feels like the complaining of the rich and famous.  I mean, is all that matters to you how much this guy makes?  I feel worse for this guy than I ever will for you.

First he tried to lie about it, then he said he couldn’t afford the $100,000 ring he really wanted to get me, so he’d had a copy made. The next day he took me to the store and bought me a nice ring for $4,700—two months’ salary for a 23-year-old guy. Whatever. He says he loves me. I still think it’s a crappy thing to do. So do I stay engaged or not?

– Seriously Bummed Basic Bitch

Hey dude, if you’re ever reading this – break it of with this woman!  She is not worth it.  She clearly is into your because of your money.  You go through a heart-felt proposal and all she cares about is the ring.  I can dream of having enough money to be able to afford a ring that costs $4,700.  She wants a ring that costs $100,000.

A girly-mate and I were talking about a woman she follows on YouTube who has a really wealthy husband and sells the crap he buys for her.  She makes a ton of money selling stuff she doesn’t like anymore from a guy she married for her money.  My friend asked me if I believe that such people can be happy.  I suppose on some level I have to admit that they probably are happy, but on another level I have to wonder about that.  Why?  Because here we have this woman on an advice column bitching about the nature of an engagement ring more made that the stone is fake.  She said the ring is fake.  Not true, bimbo!  The stone is fake.  The ring is real.  The emotions may be real.  But the stone is fake, and that’s all that matters to you.

You are heartless.  You are worthless.  All that matters to you is what you own and how it makes you look to the people in your life.  I cannot hate you more if I tried.  I may think that some of the people at my job who I’ve had to talk to on the phone are petty and pathetic, but you take the cake.  Because at least they have kids to take care of and I can see how hard that would be.  You, on the other hand, have no real problems and all you care about is the shit you own.  I hope he buys you a massive gemstone.  So big that it can be attached to a chain.  One that he puts on your ankle, and then kicks you off a cliff into the ocean, where that gorgeous, massive gemstone pulls you down into the depths, never to be heard from again.  Die with a stone that truly is worth $100,000.

Until next time, a quote,

“The things you own, end up owning you.” – Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Peace out,

Maverick

Mr. Smith Signs a Birth Certificate, by Lucien Maverick

*As read by Charles R Poindexter*

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Mr. Smith.
Mr. Smith was a man who liked to get the most out of life.
He did this by consuming copious amounts of alcohol.
Him and all his friends would drink and drink until all their jokes were funny and their bellies fat.

One day, he got so drunk that he made love to a very pretty woman.
At least he thought she was pretty.
The more he drank, the prettier she got!
It was a very good night.

A long time later, he got a piece of mail in his mailbox.
Heinous villains at Child Support told him that the woman he had made love to now had a baby.
What’s more, he was named the father.
Mr. Smith immediately went into action.

He called the Child Support villains, to right this wrong.
Told them that he was not the father of that baby.
Said there was no way it was him.
Lastly, that he wanted a paternity test.

But the EVIL Child Support customer service representative told him no.
Said that his name was on the child’s birth certificate.
And this meant that he would have to contest this in court.
Mr. Smith gasped!

Seeing the injustice, he informed the EVIL Child Support customer service representative that this was all wrong.
Told him that he was very drunk the night that he signed that birth certificate.
So drunk that he didn’t even remember doing so.
This meant that he couldn’t legally be responsible for what happened that fateful night.

After hearing his genuine honesty, the EVIL Child Support customer service representative told him that wasn’t true.
Said that it is a legally binding document, and only a court order could contest it now.
Mr. Smith was appalled!
He knew just what to do!

Once he had several swigs of his joyous drink, he filed a motion in court and got the judge to hear his case.
He told him of the injustice against him and how he wanted to put it right!
Why should he have to pay for a child that is not his!
The judge heard it all, and said back to him, “are you fucking kidding me?”

But Mr. Smith got his order to contest paternity!
He strolled into the EVIL Child Support office and got genetic testing
This cruel insult would not stand!  He would show these devils!
Maybe when he proves the baby is not his, he would sue these monsters for all the trouble!

Then the results came back positive, and Mr. Smith had an arrears balance of $2,000 and a monthly support amount of $200.
Mr. Smith decided that he needed consoling, so he went to the joyous bar for more joyous drink.
There was a pretty lady there.
In fact, the more he drank, the prettier she looked…

Until next time, a quote,

“Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb!” – South Park

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: Anime Cheese in the Wrong Place

I’ve spoken at length about how I hate modern anime.  There are so many shows being made now, and they all pretty much universally suck.  The glory days of anime are long behind it, in my eyes.  Call me a hipster (I’m starting to accept that in some ways I kind of am one), but I think anime was destroyed by its own success.  Once it gained mainstream popularity (or at least infinitely more mainstream than it used to be), or rather became part of geek culture, it all went downhill from there.  The truly great anime from not that long ago became something that they wanted to recapture, but the problem is that animation studios are having to push out commercially successful shows with higher budgets and shorter production time.  It’s put terrible strain on animation studios and their employees that I genuinely feel sad about.

Wow that was a digression, wasn’t it.  My point is, I don’t think much of modern anime.  But my gay girly-mate has this new series that she is all over, and since FUNimation does this thing where they will simultaneously release dubs and subs at the same time (I refuse to watch subs anime.  I can watch subtitled foreign films all day, but I genuinely refuse to do so with anime.  So if the dub sucks, I’m done), she has forced me to partake in this series with her.  Won’t say what it is.  It’s one of her guilty pleasures, and that’s all I’m going to say.  I swear, the girl is punishing me for something.  Can’t think of what.

This series isn’t bad on a technical level.  The animation is actually pretty great.  It has this nice realistic aesthetic that I am kind of digging.  The perk of modern animation being glossy and realistic is that it gives series a quality of feeling true to life that old-school anime never really had without insane detail.  Now proper shading and less expressive faces give environments and character designs something that feels true to life.  Like this is someone you can get to know in the real world.  The best friend character is my favorite so far.

But the design of these characters being less over the top and toned down expressively means that when this series has some of the cheese that anime is known for, it stands out to me in a bad way.  A very bad way.  You have a character whose entire visual design is not at all bombastic suddenly going into a ridiculous expression that feels so out of place given the art style.  Every time it happens it feels kind of wrong.  I genuinely don’t know what this bothers me so much, but it does.

Let me give you a way to look at this that is more relatable.  You like Quentin Tarantino, right?  Of course you do.  Well imagine for a second that in Reservoir Dogs it cut to some scenery-chewing villain doing a song number.  Or if the characters with their perfect dialogue and delivery started suddenly going really over the top at the drop of a hat, only to then go back to their perfectly done dialogue again without acknowledging that at all.  Would that not catch your attention in a bad way?  It would me.

I have had a thousand people tell me that I over-analyze stuff, so if you’re going to come at me with that, don’t.  Trust me, I already know.  It just really weirds me out to have stuff like that going on when the scene is being played fairly straight.  And this series does.  It plays everything completely straight until you cut to some cheese right the fuck out of nowhere.  I will admit that my girly-mate’s series is starting to grow on me just because these characters are relatable in a good way.  At least the best friend is.  I love this chick.  Her commentary on the events transpiring around her is just the best.  This girl is basically me as a female.  Standing on the sidelines of the madness and then commenting on what she sees in a way that cuts all the bullshit out.

But like I said, this may just be me.  So what about you?  Am I on to something here, or am I totally off-base.  Maybe I can give this to you a different way – imagine in Cowboy Bebop if Spike suddenly did that silly crying face.  Or if Jet Black and the suddenly revelation face where his eyes go all huge and white.  Would that not bother you?  It’s so tonally dissident from everything else.  I don’t know.  If you are going to go with a more laid-back tone, that’s totally fine.  Hell, I dig it.  But go the distance with that.  If you want to show a character being shocked at learning something, you can do that with realistic expression.  If you want to have a motif, stick with it.  That’s all I’m saying.

Until next time, a quote,

“Cinema is the most beautiful fraud in the world.” – Jean Luc Godard

Peace out,

Maverick