The Immaturity of Gamers, Part III

This is getting old.  It really, really is.  It’s getting to the point that I’m starting to feel ashamed for this hobby, because the people who are involved with it, these terminally-online men, are making it look TERRIBLE.  It has come such a long way from the days when people thought that gaming was just a distraction and would never compete with heavy-hitters like film.  Now, gaming is kicking Hollywood’s ass!  It should be seen as an art form, on the same level as film, but it isn’t.  And part of the reason why it isn’t is shit like the images that I’m going to show you, grabbed from Twitter’s sad corpse that is basically a mecca of morons who can’t keep their perv side in check.

Exhibit A –

The “woke chin”?  REALLY?!  Has this man or any of his dim-witted followers EVER seen an actual woman before?  For real, have they seen a single woman in real life outside of porn, anime, or vidya?  There is no greater indictment of the inability of men to connect with women in a non-sexual way than to say that Joanna Dark’s chin is too “woke”.  This is insane.  I’m sorry that none of these men have ever seen a real woman before.  It must be very difficult.

Never before have I understood the utility of the phrase “touch grass,” but holy fuck!  Get outside and talk to people!  Meet actual human beings and realize that the world is not porn!  Volunteer with a non-profit or help with some community event.  There are ways to get to know actual women that don’t involve being on your computer.  Not that any of the guys who feel this way would do that.  I guarantee that real women wouldn’t live up to the fantasy of a woman that they have in their head.  They would prefer their fantasy woman because that woman won’t have any expectations of them and they don’t have to change in any way to make the relationship work.

People who think this way have a VERY specific idea for what a woman should be like.  Anything that deviates from it is incorrect.  Especially in their video games.  I can already hear the refrain from these sad incels – “video games are about fantasy!  Why shouldn’t we want women that look like supermodels!?”  You can want whatever you want, I guess.  But gaming companies are under ZERO obligation to cater to you.  In case you might have noticed, you all aren’t young people anymore.  There is a new generation that is coming in, and they have different sensibilities then you.  I’m sorry that you all aren’t aware enough to understand that.  It must be very difficult for you.

Which brings us to Exhibit B –

Wooooow.  Can men just control their horniness for five goddamn seconds?!  Is that REALLY asking too much?  First off, flat?!  You see those C cup boobies, sad horny man?!  I do.  I see them clear as day.  And of course, the “man jaw.”  I expect this shit from Grummz.  He is one of the saddest gaming incels I’ve ever seen.  This guy has been parading around his outdated horny attitude for years.  I remember a time when I used to agree with some of his takes, but then I realized that he is just another sad conservative who bitches about video games not being exactly what he wants.

I swear, I’m just so DONE with these people.  You want Lara Croft to have G cup boobs?  You want her to have the Stellar Blade chick’s ass with the associated jiggle physics?  Well, there are DOZENS of places online where you can get porn of exactly that.  If you can’t handle a woman who isn’t spank bank material in a game, then maybe this isn’t the game for you.  Hell, maybe gaming isn’t for you!  Maybe you and your two-pump chump dick (looking at you, Grummz) should find another hobby.  Watching porn seems right up your alley.  God knows, you complain when every woman in every game isn’t enough of a porn star for you.

To say nothing of the fact that they could just as easily make the kind of game they want to play.  That’s right, they could make a game where all the female characters are sex objects whose personality directly correlates with their cup size.  With all the tools available to them, they could make whatever kind of game they want to make.  Make their sex toy version of Lara Croft who is just a pair of breasts that talk.  That’s so OBVIOUSLY what they want.  Make her look like the chick from Stellar Blade and even have a secret nude mod, or just give out the modding tools right from the jump so all the guys on PC can make her nude.  That’s all that you people care about, so go for it.

I remember giving out this advice when it was the social justice types who were bitching about women in games, and now I’m giving it to their antithesis now – if you want games with a certain kind of character, then put your money where your mouth is and make it.  There is NOTHING stopping you from learning and putting that to use.  The Indie market is hotter than it has ever been now.  So go for it.

In the meantime, would you PLEASE shut the fuck up about how “woke” or “man jaw” a female character is?!  Is that asking too goddamn much?

Until next time, a quote,

“I says to him ‘next time you have a thought, just let it go.'” – Ron White

Peace out,

Maverick

Top 10 Badass Female Characters in Gaming

You know what I like – badass chicks.  There’s a great line by Spike Spiegel about them which I will be closing this post out on.  But the thing that really catches my attention is when there is a badass female character in a good game.  Or a badass female character who can keep a so-so game from falling into obscurity.  Some of you who have been reading this site for a long time may know where I’m going with that.  The SJWs may claim that gaming doesn’t have good representations of women, but the reality is that they’re wrong.  They’re all wrong.  Gaming has a ton of awesome ladies, and we’re here to talk about 10 of them today.  Note that not all of these characters are playable.  Some of them are even antagonists.  But good or evil, it is the fact that they kick ass and take names that matters.

10. Lara Croft
Tomb Raider (series)
Some of you might be going – wait, what?  Why is she so low on the list?  Well, the reason is that I’m talking about the newest incarnation.  I haven’t played the newest game, because fuck Microsoft, but I want us to look at the iteration of this character from the reboot.  She does do some badass stuff, and by the end of that game, she is pretty boss.  But her boss levels start out small, and she builds up to it.  Perhaps the new game has her being boss as fuck, but her innocence at the beginning of her story keeps her here at the bottom.  But she eventually is able to get her twin-pistols, and in one of the greatest scenes of fan service of all time, blasts the head bad guy full of holes with them.

9. Bayonetta
Bayonetta (series)
Another character who you all may be wondering why she’s so low on this list.  Well, the truth is that while she is a kick-ass heroine, she isn’t the deepest character on the list.  That said, she kicks so much ass!  Be it guns, magic, or her own magic hair (as in the cast of the first game), this lady will fuck you up!  The SJWs say that she’s demeaning to women, but I guarantee that if she was real, not one of those people would say it to her face.  Mostly because she would put their ass down.  She might not be especially complicated, but I would run from her all the same, if my name was on her list.

8. Lightning
Final Fantasy XIII
Two things – 1. I’m only talking about the version of this character from the first game.  None of those STUPID spin-off sequels.  Those were all terrible.  2. She is the character who saves a game from being totally obscure.  Final Fantasy XIII is a dull game, but she makes it worth remembering.  If she’s not in Kingdom Hearts III,  I am going to hit somebody.  A soldier who is stern and stoic, when she is put in a situation where she only has her life and a mission to accomplish, then she sets out to do it, hell or high water.  Sure, she is trying to destroy their entire society, but what can ya do?  If the game you are in has to be boring, you might as well be the cool factor that makes it worth something, eh?

7. Legretta
Tales of the Abyss
Here’s one of the badass females who is a villain.  Legretta serves under Van, and she is willing to do whatever it takes to see his will accomplished.  Like him, she also sees the Score as a form of slavery, that people refuse to break away from.  At no point does her loyalty to the cause of breaking the world away from it ever come into question.  Her faith in Van is unwavering.  And she is willing to put her dual-pistols to work on you to make sure that you don’t get in her way.  Here’s hoping that you’re ready, and have a good healer in your party.

6. James Kidd/Mary Read
Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag
You know what’s awesome – being a pirate.  You know what’s more awesome – when you have a lady who is so good at pirating that she is able to hide the fact that she is a woman in almost plain sight.  The scene where Kenway figures it out is one of my favorite scenes in the whole game.  Kidd is not only a badass pirate, but she’s an Assassin as well.  It’s a pity that we didn’t get to do more stuff with her.  She clearly knows her stuff, and isn’t afraid to put Kenway in his place.  She will manipulate a man that she sees as having some good qualities, buried underneath a ton of bad ones.  It’s a bummer how it all turned out for Kidd, but she was still awesome while we got to know her.

5. Quiet
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
Oh boy, all the SJWs really lost their shit with this one, didn’t they?  Well, too bad.  Quiet is not only a badass sniper, but also one hell of a fighter, and a good companion to boot.  It’s just a pity that we never got to see too far into her and Snake’s relationship.  There are signs that he liked her, but you never see too much happen with that.  Quiet is a master assassin, who has a parasite inside of her that will kill her if she speaks English.  The parasite saved her life after “Ishmael” set her on fire in the prologue of the game.  It saved her life, and now she is back to fuck up Snake.  In what is my favorite sniper battle of all time, you have the two of them going head-to-head with their rifles and steady aim.  It’s hardcore, and awesome.  If you choose not to kill her, then you have a partner who is so much fun to have in the field.  When I was with her, it was the first time that I felt like a real mercenary.  Like I was part of a two-man team that could do no wrong.  It’s a bummer how the story with her ended, but that’s how it is.  I would have liked her to become Snake’s right-hand woman.  Perchance to dream.

4. Jack
Mass Effect (series)
Jack is probably one of the most fun characters I’ve ever gotten to have in my party.  A deranged psychopath who has an overcharged biotic am, looking for a fight.  Raised in a Cerberus facility, she was tortured and pushed to insane extremes, for the express purpose of creating a more powerful biotic.  This backfired on them, however, when she used her power to escape, killing everyone who got in her way.  When Shepard meets her, she’s incarcerated in a maximum-security prison.  Covered in tattoos that almost make her tribal, she has a lot of emotional baggage.  But she is always looking for a fight, and she will kill anyone who gets in her way.  Thankful that I was never such a person.  By the third game, she’s no longer in your party, but she’s no less of a badass.  Only now, she has a cause to fight for – her students.  Good on her.

3. Ellie
The Last of Us
This pick might be a bit strange to all of you.  After all, she’s just a kid, right?  While that is true, this kid is no pushover.  She is a fighter, and when she feels threatened or her people are threatened, she will throw down in a heartbeat, be it with a bow, a gun, or her trusty switchblade.  They don’t shy away from the fact that she is a kid, and it’s made clear that she is afraid of the world, but I think that it make her more badass that she is willing to look past her fear in order to keep fighting.  That humanizing factor just makes how hard she pushed herself more impressive.  Oh, and the fact that she will smash the shit out of someone’s face with a machete.  There’s also that.

2. Lady Maria
Bloodborne: The Old Hunters DLC
Not much is known about this woman, but oh my god!  If there is a more awesome boss to fight in this game, or any game, I haven’t seen it.  This chick will fuck you up!  She attacks without holding anything back.  She was one of the first hunters.  Cooler than that – she has some connection to the vilebloods at Castle Cainhurst.  Halfway through the fight, she shows that she can use the blood weapon skills that Cainhurst is known for, only without any detrimental effects to her health.  When you get her health three-quarters of the way down, she lights her weapons on fire!  This chick does NOT go down easy.  It was the most intense fight I have been a part of, and this chick is so fucking cool.  The last thing on this planet I would do is fuck with her.  That would be very bad for one’s health.

And the most badass female character in gaming is…

1. Samus Aran
Metroid (series)
The definitive and first female badass in gaming, who else could it be?  Samus has done it all.  She’s brought an entire empire of hostile aliens to their knees, several times.  She wiped out almost the entire metroid species.  She gets corrupted by a mutagenic toxin, and comes out clean.  No matter what the fight, she is able to overcome.  A survivor in every term of the word, Samus will fuck you up.  Her Varia Suit is cool, but she is also shown to be able to throw down without it.  A soldier, a mercenary, a bounty hunter, she’s got it all, and those who cross her get on the business end of her blaster arm.

So, what female characters do you think are awesome in all their badass sexiness?  Let me know in the comments section.

Until next time, a quote,

“I love a woman who can kick my ass.”  -Spike Spiegel, Cowboy Bebop

Peace out,

Maverick

Video Game Confessions: Fox McCloud

Being a journalism major, and a future journalist, suffice it to say that I get around.  In my travels, I have met some of the most insane characters!  These are the kinds of people that most nerds only dream of seeing, and I have gotten to meet, in the flesh.  And, seeing as how it is late, there is soft jazz music playing, and I am feeling all deep and introspective, I thought that I would tell you one of my stories now.

I was walking down the road, headed to meet a buddy of mine, when I ran into the most unlikely person that you would ever imagine – Fox McCloud.  This dude is probably one of the most famous of the famous.  He’s the captain of the Star Fox Team, he has saved his planetary system who-knows how many times.  He’s a pretty big guy.  Well, not literally.  He’s actually kind of short.  I mean, he’s a fox.  That just kind of comes with the territory.

I walk over and introduce myself, telling him that I am a huge fan of his work, and wondering if I could get a brief sit-down, maybe an interview to post.  He says yes, and I take out my tape recorder.  I notice that he is looking kind of down.  There is a box of chocolates sitting on the table.  They have a heart shape, and I ask him, “You seem to be pretty melancholy.  Something going on?”  I look at the chocolate and ask him, “things not so good with the girlfriend?  Weren’t you dating one of your copilots, Krystal, or something?”  He looks up and sighs.

“No, not anymore.  She broke up with me.  It was fun for a while, but it soon became kind of hard to keep things professional.  Star Fox Team and all.  Pretty hard to watch the wing of the person who you have seen under their jumpsuit, you know?”

I was able to contain a giggle.  I didn’t want to tell him that his ex had been rated the hottest video game character the year Star Fox Adventures came out.

“And anyway, she seems to be dating somebody else.  She won’t admit it, but she keeps disappearing whenever her communicator goes off.  Either she is seeing somebody, or fucking them.  Either way, she’s moved on.

As you can imagine, I was feeling a little awkward.  So, figuring that I would just ask him, “So, if she broke up with you, who are the chocolates for?”  He looks up, sighing again.

“Now, I know this is going to sound weird, but I have a new girl who I am really interested in.”

I cock an eyebrow (something I can do, and am so proud of), “Why would this be weird?”

“Well, the girl I’m interested in, she’s kind of different.  I mean, all of us athropomorphic characters, people have expectations of us, you know?”

He’s giving me this look, like I should be picking up on something.  In hindsight, I should have seen it, but at the time, it was just so awkward that I didn’t pick up on his signals.  So, I say back, “Uh, no, not really.  What do you mean?”  At this point, he couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable.  As a journalist, I should feel bad, but honestly, I could see a look on his face that said that he actually wanted to tell somebody.

“Well, it’s like…poeple just expect us to date certain…kinds of people.”

Part of me felt a little bit annoyed.  Was this going to be a race thing?  Is this guy a racist?  That didn’t make me feel good.  But I keep my journalist composure and keep going.  “What do you mean?”  There was a long pause.  But right as I was about to say something, he just looks up and says,

“We’re expected to date other anthropomorphic creatures.  Like me and Krystal.  People just get that.  I’m a fox, she’s a fox, foxes get with foxes.”

I feel kind of dumb that I still didn’t see where he was going with this.  But again, you would have had to be there to get it.  It was just…awkward.  The look on his face, the place we were at.  It all just felt really strange.  So, wanting to break the tension, I say, “Okay, go on.”  I think he kind of realized that this was totally over my head, so he just looked up, took a deep breath, and finally told me what was bugging him.

“But I’m not trying to get with another antropomorphic creature.”

That’s when it hit me, and I felt really stupid.  “So, who are you trying to get with?”  I figured, if I can’t look smarter, I might as well just keep the conversation going, hoping to look less stupid later.  Fox took another deep breath, like he felt so wrong.

“I’m trying to get with Lara Croft.”

My eyes go wide.  “What, really?!  Lara Croft?  How do you two know each other?”  At this point, seeing that I wasn’t grossed out, he really seemed relieved.  I was genuinely curious.  I mean, a fox with Lara Croft?  How does this come up?!  It was genuinely interesting.

“We met a few months back.  I was on a mission on Katina, and she happened to be there too.  We stopped a coffee place, had a couple of drinks.  We started hanging out.  She’s been used and abused by a lot of guys.  They used to represent her in such a sexual way, no decent guy wanted to get with her.  I mean, you saw her breast size in a few games, right?”

I groaned at this.  Yeah, I had.  But the newest game has her looking much better.  “Yeah, but she is looking much more professional these days.”

“Exactly!  She didn’t look like some kind of cheap whore.  She was an actual woman, and was tired of guys just looking at her like a cheap whore.  And since I didn’t see her that way, we really enjoyed each other’s company.  We had both been all over the place, and so we always had something to talk about.”

Thank non-existent God that I had my tape recorder.  I wouldn’t have been able to write fast enough.  He was talking REALLY fast!  Like he was glad to just get it all off his chest.

“So after a while, the two of us started hanging out at each other’s places.  We started watching movies together, started having dinner together.  But it was always as friends!  I always kept in mind that we were just friends.”

At this point, he was looking a little bit unnerved.

“But it comes one night, she asks me over, and she answers the door in her panties and a tanktop!”

I can’t help but chuckle.  What a wonderful image.  Thank non-existent God that Fox has a sense of humor.

“Yeah!  That was my reaction.  I did my best to hide it, pretend that I wasn’t totally turned on.  Had to jerk off that night in a way you wouldn’t believe!”

He groans a bit, and I look really awkward.  I had to hear the rest of this story!  “So what happened next?”

“Well that’s what I was wondering – what is going to happen now?  I mean, do girls often chill with their guy friends in their underwear?  I won’t lie, I don’t know.  I mean, the most people I hang out with are the Star Fox Team, and even the girl on the team is one of the guys, figuratively speaking.  So I go in, sit down.  She puts in a movie, and she snuggles up with me, as we had done plenty of times before.  But I am sitting there the whole time thinking – Oh my god!  I have a woman in her underwear, snuggled up next to me watching a movie!  And I want you to know that I had never thought of Lara like that before.  But now, being there, I couldn’t help but be really attracted to her.”

All I can do is nod.  I don’t dare want to stop him from talking.  And not only because he was talking at 90 miles an hour, but also because this story was too good, and he was on a roll.

“So, we watch the movie, and after it gets done, the television just comes on and we keep sitting there.  It was so weird.  I felt so strange sitting there, next to Lara.  Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I say that I should probably go.  She nods and says, ‘yeah, probably.’  I head to the door, wish her goodnight, and right as I am about to leave, she smiles at me and says, ‘I hope to see you again soon.’  I was in shock!  I shut the door, and I can feel a raging hard-on, but also my heart beating like I haven’t felt it beat in forever!  It was like heaven!  I head back to my house, jerk off, and sit there, afterwards, thinking about Lara.  Not in a sexual way.  Well, not totally in a sexual way.  I just think about her.  It was…nice.  So, I thought for days, and I figure – we have been hanging out for a while, and if you are going to chill with somebody in your underwear, snuggled up with them, you must not bo totally against the idea.  I mean, does that seem right to you?”

I nod a bit, thinking about it.  “I don’t know.  I mean, it seems pretty rational to me.  Your logic doesn’t seem to have any major holes in it.”  Fox looks down, sullen again.

“Maybe, but I am still really worried.  I mean, what if she rejects me?  What if this totally ruins our friendship?  What if she is totally grossed out by the idea?”

I can see where he’s coming from.  It is a valid concern.  “Well, Fox, the way I see it, you can only ask her, and see what happens.  I mean, worst that happens, she says no, and you keep being friends.  And if she sells your friendship up the river for something like that, she doesn’t sound like much of a friend.”  Fox smiles, nodding.

“You know, you’ve got a point.  Thank you!  I think I can go over there now.”

He stands up, we shake hands, and he heads off, chocolates in hand.  I hope everything goes well for Fox.  He sounds like a lucky guy.  I think it will.  She sounds like she has accepted him as a fox.  And if she does reject him and get all grossed out, then she isn’t much of a friend.  But I hope it all does work out.  Fox is a good guy.

And ladies, next time a fox comes up and he’s a good guy, be a little open-minded, huh?  You never know when there might just be a prince within the Fox.  Figuratively speaking, that is.

Peace out,

Maverick