You all might not believe it, but I have worked really hard to get where I am now. I have been called lazy by a lot of people. I have been called unmotivated. I have been called spoiled and greedy and stupid and arrogant and everything in-between. I admit to being stupid (here’s the kicker, you are too!), and maybe a little arrogant, but that’s more of being an American than anything else. I am a self-loathing type, by nature. But I have busted my ass to get where i am today. I am still busting my ass. And there are a lot of nights, like tonight, where I genuinely wonder – why? Why do I keep doing this? Why do I try so hard? Where am I going?
It doesn’t help that for a large chunk of my life, I had teachers, family members, and advisers who have told me that I am going to fail. For real, I wasn’t the most dedicated student. I had a hard time focusing. Ah, hell, I still have a hard time focusing. But yeah, I am a smart guy who didn’t do the best in school, even though knowledge comes easily to me, and I have yet to find the thing that I put my mind to that I’m bad at. For real, everything that I have ever devoted even a scrap of attention and interest to, I have been good at. I have a theory that I actually have a REALLY high IQ, but I just don’t care enough to find out. But yeah, even with all that, I have been told, ever since about middle school, that I was going to fail at life.
But here’s the thing about that – I have kept going. Even with so few people believing in me, I keep at it. Why? Well, that’s because I have simply refused to give up. I have refused to let these people be right. But then there was today, and the pain of constantly being told by people how much I am going to fail came back to me.
My college adviser told me that I’m going to fail. Did you know that? Yeah, she told me that if I don’t do this thing and that thing, I am going to have a shitty life. My department has this schtick they are trying to push to students now that it is the “time of the entrepreneur.” Perhaps it is, but here’s the thing – I’m not an entrepreneur. I’m a writer. I like to write. Writing is what gives my life purpose. Well, that and the endless pursuit of finding a good story, the time I get with my friends and the people I love, and I also have a very distinct passion for cooking. It’s days like today that make me wish I had majored in Culinary Arts. I am a damn good cook, and my skills with baking are very admirable. I have only ever had one dish I have made that I thought wasn’t good, and to my credit, that was because it wasn’t cold. If the family had kept the pies cold, it would have tasted better! But I digress.
At the college today, there was a sign that was on the front door. Here are the first words on the sign –
DON’T think that you can make it
That’s the first way they begin. After that, in much smaller text, they list a bunch of programs and internships and whatnot that if a person doesn’t do, they are going to fail at life. For real, they said that if you didn’t do these things, you are not going to succeed at your future. My own fucking department has put up a sign, telling all their students that they are going to fail. What an amazingly horrible thing to do. I would call them jerks, but that is the nice word that I have for what they are. The nicest word possible.
So, that didn’t feel good, but then, I was at work. I had a long and late shift tonight. Needless to say, I was tired. A coworker of mind pulled me over, wanting to talk. To give context to this, let me say that as I was walking to class, I ran in to a girl who works the desk at my job. She told me that a coworker was out sick. I nodded, not sure why she felt the need to tell me this in person. She then decided to treat me like I was an idiot, who was late to work every single day, and repeatedly say that I had to be on work ON TIME. Yeah, because I am a complete slacker who has never been to work on time in his life. Oh wait, I’m not. I have been late to that job once, and that was when I had a flat tire. When I got to the gas station, I called them, telling them that I would be late. I did everything right. I did good. That was the one and ONLY time that I was ever late to that job. Yet here this little girl is, talking to me like I am her subordinate, on my time, telling me that I had to be at work on time. Needless to say, I was pissed. But instead of going off on her, which I wanted to do, I just made some snide jabs at her, and walked away. That was it. I let her know my disapproval with her statements by sarcastically remarking that she was saying this like I was late all the time, and she then felt the need to tell me that I am her subordinate (which is bullshit, by the way. She is not my supervisor). This was my time, not work’s time, and I didn’t take that, so there were a few more jabs, and I walked away.
Fast-forward to tonight, and I learn that this girl is now talking to the other girls who work the desk (it’s all women) and that there are a few who don’t particularly like me, and they are uniting against me. I haven’t done anything to any of these people. I have just done my fucking job, and they are uniting against me and are potentially going to undermine my employment in the future, and why? Because a butthurt little girl decided she was going to make her confronting me when I wasn’t at work a work issue. I could go after her about this, but I just don’t give a shit. What good would it do me, anyway?
Why does it always end this way? Why does everything in my life turn out like this? It seems lately like everything I touch turns to shit. And the one person I want to talk to about this isn’t talking to me because she is really busy, and kind of pissed at me, and hasn’t told me why, and…and I don’t know. I have missed her wisdom, but again, everything I touch turns to shit. Why should my relationship with one of my best friends not be one of those things?
I try so hard, and I work hard at what I do. I work hard at this job, and do the best that I can. Wouldn’t you be a little pissed too if your work integrity were talked about like that, when you weren’t even at work? And, just like everything else going wrong in my life lately, I am finding out about it second-hand. Nothing gets under my skin faster than finding out about something from somebody else when it concerns me. When somebody has a problem with me, I encourage them to come and talk to me. I am all about conflict resolution. I don’t like to be mad at people, and I especially don’t like them to be mad at me. I like to be amicable. That makes me happy. But it seems like, no matter how hard I try, this is how it turns out. Why?! Why does nothing go right for me?! Why can’t I get some kind of break here?!
I am tired. I’m tired of this college. I am tired of work. I am tired of pain. I am tired of life. I want to go on vacation somewhere. To get far away and to not have to look back. I want to go somewhere where life can just leave me alone for a while. I want to go with a friend. I don’t like to go places alone. I don’t like to go to movies alone, to dinner alone, or out in general alone. I like the experiences which are fun to me to be shared experiences. There is one person in-particular I am trying to share some experiences with, but things between us are…complicated, to say the least. I don’t know how that will turn out.
I am tired, and the thing I am tired of most – being tired. I want rest. But I can’t get rest. I can’t get it because those are the cards I was dealt. I hate life. I really do. But I won’t give up. Because people still think I am going to fail. I am going to prove all those pieces of shit wrong!
Until next time, a quote,
“Why does it always have to end up like this?” -Huey Freeman, The Boondocks
Peace out,
Maverick
Lucien Maverick's Den 