In Memory of Sally

It’s never the big stuff anyone ever puts off. It’s the little stuff. The things in life that you think that you’ll have plenty of time to take care of, down the line. Like, I never took the time to learn my mother’s pie crust recipe. I talked with her about it. It’s perfect in every way. I just never took the time to actually sit down and learn it. I just figured that there would be time later. However, when it came to this particular post, I took a lot longer than I expected that I would take to get it done. Why? A whole bunch of reasons, really. She happened to die at one of the hardest times in my life. The move out of my state into another state 1,500 miles away has been one of the most stressful and difficult things I’ve ever done. That being said, before I left, when she saw me and my girlfriend to the airport to say goodbye, she told me that things were going to get harder before they got better, but that once the worst of it was past, it would be the best decision I ever made, and how proud she was of me for following a dream that was 5 years in the making.

The last three weeks have been physically and emotionally exhausting. Everything to do with the move has been a menagerie of bullshit going wrong, but such has been my life. However, as seems to happen in my life, at my lowest point, the universe puts out a hand to me and pulls me up, dusts me off, and tells me that I passed this test, and now I get to move forward. Such has been my life for a VERY long time. One test after the next. But for the first time, there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and I’m proud to say that I am moving forward. It hasn’t been easy, and I don’t think the hard part is anywhere near done, but the light is there, and I am back on my feet moving forward. Those words, about how the worst was yet to come but that it would get better, are the final thing that I get to keep with me from my mother, Sally.

I call Sally by her first name. Something that has either driven people nuts or just confused them. Isn’t that disrespectful? No, it isn’t. So why do I do it? The answer isn’t as interesting as you’d think. I started calling my old man Fabio because of the movie Finding Nemo. Dory called Nemo that, and it stuck with me. I didn’t know who the real Fabio was, and once I found out, that just made it even funnier. As for Sally, I noticed that Stewie from Family Guy always called his mother Lois. That inspired me to call Sally by her name.

Truth be told, between my sister and I, we hadn’t called Sally “Mom” in so long that she didn’t even respond to that anymore. WAY back in the day, she had these denim overalls with the shirt just like a farmer. My sister and I found that very amusing, and so we started calling her Farmer Sal. That didn’t last for too long because the two of us were a couple of 90’s kids, and kids of that era liked to shorten things down. For the longest time, the shortened down version of it was the one that the two of us called her by – Farmer. She was Farmer for so long that that is what she used to answer to. No joke, one night, at a high school football game, my sister was trying to get her attention, and she kept calling out “mom!” over and over, and then she decided to call out “Farmer!” and that is what got her to look over.

The name got even shorter from there. It became Farms, after a while. That’s what it remained for the rest of the time that name stuck. My old man, in his penchant for bad jokes said eventually the two of us would shorten it down further to “Fuh.” Cringe, but Dad jokes are a thing for a reasons. Fabio was no exception to this, but those are memories that get to stick with me as well. My sister went back to calling her Mom after Farms ran its course, and I started calling her Sally. To quote Stewie Griffin “we’re an unusual family.”

Something funny about my time with Sally in my life – after going off to college, I wasn’t the best about keeping in touch.  Don’t kill me for it.  No kid is.  However, because I have this site that has been my baby for over ten years, and posted so often, Sally would be able to look on here and see what I am writing about and know that I am breathing.  The way she put it – “I didn’t always understand what you were writing about, but at least I knew you are still alive.”  Part of me hopes that she is somehow able to see this last post, and able to get one final smile from it.

As my site has a lot of talk of my nerd hobbies, it may interest you to know that Sally had one and ONLY one nerd thing that she engaged in when I was very young.  She had reached the max score that one could get in Tetris on the GameBoy.  For whatever reason, she was in love with that game.  She was also in love with the game Tetrisphere on the N64.  Now you all who knew her as a salt of the earth person can know that buried in all that random mishmash of fun personality traits, there was a nerd.  You just had to know where to look for it.

Sally died two days ago after a battle with stage 4 pancreatic cancer that went over a year. When it gets to that point, most patients last a number of months. With the help of chemotherapy, she lasted for over a year. However, come summer, she decided that she wanted to stop the chemo. The effects were horrible, and the quality of life it was giving her was not worth all the pain and unhappiness. She wanted to have one last summer where she would be able to enjoy herself as much as she possibly could before passing away. And let no one way that she didn’t get that.

When I first was at the oncologist’s office and heard him run through the prognosis, I had already been doing my research and knew what the stakes were and what the likely timeframe was. I had been preparing for the call I got from Fabio for a very, very long time. I was grateful for every single second that I got to spend with her. I am grateful that the last Christmas we got together was indicative of how things are for my family – rough start, but always coming together at the end. I was grateful to see her get to have one last summer, getting to watch her garden grown, eat things fresh from it, and experience the love and compassion that she could handle, even when it was becoming too much to have people over for long periods of time. Part of me feels like she was finally ready to start letting go of this mortal coil when she could see me off at the airport for the next chapter in my life and tell me how proud she was. Does that seem egotistical? Probably, but I assure you, it isn’t meant to.

What words can I use to describe a woman who was the most kind-hearted, joyful, eager to experience life, and loving person I’ve ever known? The truth is, the words I would use cannot match the words that so many others have used to describe her. Everyone who ever knows her has their own. I started a project on a Facebook page dedicated to her fight with cancer, and while I have no conceptual idea when it will be finished, I mean to. I owe her and all the people who sent in audio pieces to me that much. So many words I heard and they all made me cry so hard because of how much these people cared and the words they chose for their happiest memories with her.

To be a person who touches the lives of so many people, all in a beautiful and positive way.  Not something I’ll be able to take to my grave.  Me being something of a negative nelly is now infamous among those who know me best.  It makes the friendships I have so much more special because of the fact that they put up with all my negativity, but I know that I am not going to be the person who is seen as a beacon of light in a community, one who lives on in the memories of a plethora of individuals from so many walks of life.  Where there are words like “Aunty,” “Best Friend,” “Sister,” “Coworker and Bestie.”  Or words like “Wife,” and “Mother.”  In my case, “Sally.”  With a ton of words that I couldn’t fit in here if I had a decade to write them all out.

Because I have just been doing this move and I am currently trying to get a mess of a situation sorted out down here, I’m not able to come to a memorial service for her.  Hopefully the people who used the aforementioned happy words are not too cross with me.  I honor her in my way, by taking what she said to heart, by knowing that all this trouble is something I will get through, and that she is proud of me for taking this journey and making a future for myself in a place I have wanted to be for over five years.

There is one thing that I am doing right now.  At every single funeral I’ve ever been to, there is a song that has played.  It’s called “I Was There to Hear Your Borning Cry.”  I am not even remotely a religious person, but the song that has played at the funeral of so many people I cared about and loved with all my heart has stuck with me and been something that I have listened to at every instance of someone dying who I was not able to be around for.  I listened to it after finding out that my kitty had died.  On the off chance that I’m wrong, and there is an afterlife when all this mortality stuff is done, hopefully my kitty is waiting at the gates, looking to make nice with her while she waits for me.  It will be a long wait, hopefully.  Johnson men do tend to live forever.  However, the wait it is.  For those who want to hear this piece of music, here’s a link to my favorite version of it –

For everyone who is hurting right now, I hope you can find some measure of comfort in it.  As for me, I think to my old man.  I know he is a much more private person, but I will keep in touch with him via text and make sure he isn’t becoming a complete recluse who will eventually drive his lawnmower around and visit the neighbors like his old man.  Send him some tasty things for Christmas and his birthday, along with the extended family.

I end these things with a quote that is from the person who passed, and while I could do a quote that is something inspiring that Sally once said, I thought that I would instead use something funny that she said so you all can hopefully have a laugh.  I know for a fact that you being able to end this post with a smile rather than tears would make her happy.

Until next time, a quote,

“Well, this dinner is going to be interesting.” – Sally
“Willy! (the dog)” – My old man

Peace out,

Maverick

*Additional Memories* I had more stuff come to me later, and for those who decided to check back in and read this because it makes them feel good inside, I thought that you might like to hear more of my thoughts.  Sally described herself as a spiritual person, but subscribed to no one religion.  She had a belief that was described as heretical in a time long ago, and still is viewed so by the very religious in America today – that God could not be what people believed it to be.  That the concept of a deity had to be much more glorious and grander than people could imagine.  Giordano Bruno would be impressed.  However, there were plenty of religious activities that she did enjoy.  One of which was singing.  So, I had another hymn that I remember her liking very much come back to me, and so I thought I should share a fantastic version of it that I found on YouTube.  Hope you enjoy.  The name of it is “Hallelujah, We Sing Your Praises.”

It’s been more than a little endearing to hear from coworkers of hers just how much she liked my site and what I post here.  How she would gather coworkers together and read it, or how she would be sitting with her bagged popcorn and reading it and occasionally laughing at what I would have to say.  Not gonna lie, that did make me have a bit of a tear up, because I never knew just how important this was to her life and how she felt closer to me because of it.  Real emotions there.  But I put this little bit here because I didn’t realize that was a thing until after posting this on a page dedicated to her memory.  It was very touching.