Well, you are at that age, ladies. Your biological clock is ticking, so you think to yourself – I am going to have that perfect child! That child who will make all the other mothers in your neighborhood jealous. The child who is perfect in every single way! Good for you. And now, I will tell you exactly how you can make this amazing dream come to fruition.
1. You are the smartest person in the entire world and don’t you forget it!
You have read every single book about how to be the best mother ever! You have taken classes, watched educational films and talked to the leading experts. Armed with this knowledge, you know exactly what to expect from your future child and you are ready to show it how to behave in this world! Now, there will be people who will question this unrivaled intellect, like the kid’s teachers, your doctor and your neighbors who have the awesome kids who you are trying to surpass. But they are idiots! Who cares how much they are with your child and how good their education is? Clearly they don’t have your amazing level of perception and knowledge about being a parent.
2. Your child is a genius, no matter what anyone says
Since you are going to be the perfect parent, you have been already preparing for the absolute genius that your child will be. You played Mozart for it when it was growing inside of you. Your child is going to be the most absolutely amazing kid ever. I mean, sure, it does stupid things like try and eat its blocks, but that’s totally normal. Didn’t you hear when your baby spoke German! Most people who heard that said that it was what babies say, but you know better. It was German. Your baby is the smartest baby in the world! Einstein would have a run for his money.
3. Don’t let your child do what they want
It is only natural that you impose all of your desires and dreams on to your kid. Sure, they may not like doing it, but hey, they’re just a kid! They’re too stupid to know what they’re doing anyway. I mean, so what if they are supposed to learn and grow in a totally organic way that lets them find their passions? That’s stupid! Children should be required to be the host for all the failed dreams that their parents had. I mean, what’s the point of having kids if you can’t live through your youth through them? And don’t listen when they are sad and want to do something else. Like I said, they’re kids. Just stupid kids who should defer to you for everything. Kids know nothing, except what you tell them.
4. Never, ever let your child have free time!
Free time leads to all sorts of awful things! They might not be preparing for their schoolwork! After all, if they don’t get a jump-start on the best preschools, then they won’t get into a good elementary school. And then, they won’t get into a good middle school! Then, they won’t get into a good high school! And then, colleges won’t want them! And finally, they’ll end up in a gutter or jail! Yeah, best if you just keep them on a short leash and control all the free time that they have. It’s only safe.
5. Control every single aspect of their lives
Remember how we said that your kid would be lost without you? Well, this means that you have to make absolutely sure that there isn’t a single thing in your child’s life that isn’t FIRMLY under your control. When they play, when they see their “friends” (we all know that a child’s best friend is their mother), what they watch, what they eat. When they are were a baby, you had to control everything they did. So why shouldn’t the rest of their childhood be the same? It is only safe. In fact, if you watched your kid constantly, that would probably be the best. Never let them out of your sight. You must always be there for if anything goes wrong. Oh, and while we’re on the subject…
6. If something goes wrong in their life, it is everybody else’s fault
There might be days when you get a call from your child’s school. They will say things like your child isn’t doing very well, gets into fights or just isn’t good at the work. Well, rest easy, perfect mother. For you can be rest-assured that it isn’t your amazing child’s fault. There are the incompetent teachers, for one thing. They spend all day looking after kids. So naturally they are not able to see how amazing your child is and cater to their needs. Then there are the other idiot children who didn’t have amazing mothers like you. They are on the level of wild animals! And then there is the absolutely awful television! Make sure that you never, ever suspect that your child might have done wrong, or that you have somehow failed. It is the rest of the world’s fault.
7. Constantly tell them that they are wonderful and can do no wrong
Since you are the perfect mother, you have naturally raised the perfect child! This kid will be the perfect athlete, a genius on the level of Einstein and is friends with every single person. And you must remind them of this constantly. If they aren’t first at something, make sure that they know that they are also a winner. Because if they realized that they lost, well, you saw the causal chain above, didn’t you? Yes, this is the best thing to do.
So, did you get all that? Well, hopefully you did. Now you can go out and make the world’s most amazing child! And remember, since your child will have a completely sheltered life, which won’t prepare them for the real world, you will have them with you for a long time. Like the rest of your entire life.
Think about it.
Until next time, a quote,
“That’s what you have to remember as you go through life in this country – it’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for ya.” -George Carlin