I forget what it was I was watching, but it said something that has stuck with me, and I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. It was a video where this gal was saying that this guy didn’t love the person he thought he did. He loved an idea of her. This vision that is in his head from a period in time when they were closer. But that vision isn’t the way that person is anymore. I get that feeling. On a very deep level, I get it.
There was someone I loved, when I was a lot younger. We used to be so incredibly close. Those were good times. With all the frustrations that afflict me as an adult, going back into memories is a good pasttime. Looking ahead just depresses me. Like, to the point that I want to start crying. To the point that I just want to go to bed because in dreaming, life makes more sense.
I’m never going to be retired. I’m going to be working until I die. Sure, I’ll be collecting whatever pittance of Social Security millennials get because the fund ran dry, but I will have to work to supplement that income. Sure, I can cash in whatever 401k money I have, but that isn’t enough to live on in future world that is so much worse than today, either. So I get to have a job that I hate, working it until I have a foot in the grave. I’ll never own a home. I’ll never have vacation money, or time. This is what it’s going to be, until my body falls apart. Don’t even want to think about how much worse things will be by then.
Make no mistake, you people who want to hope – it’s not getting better. Ever. At least not in America. The Democrats are literally throwing away their Zombie in Chief’s chances of re-election to support the genocide being committed by Israel. The Republicans are pure evil and don’t even make the slightest attempt to hide it. There is no hope for the actual working class of America. Hope is an illusion. A lie that we tell ourselves. A drug that people get genuinely pissed if you get in the way of their latest fix. Save for us repeating the French Revolution, we’re never going to improve. It’s all just fucked.
With all of that ugliness facing me, I drift into memories. Memories of the time the girl I loved and I spent together. Never had the balls to tell her. Not until it was WAY too late, and we had drifted apart, all because I didn’t want to hear it from someone else who had found out. Figured it would be better if she heard it from me. But she is smarter than I ever gave her credit for, and that was part of why we had grown apart. She figured it out on her own. Had I told her much earlier, half my life ago, at that point, maybe we would have been able to sort things out. Maybe…just maybe…never mind. No point speculating.
Those memories, even of that far back, I realize that the person she is now is not the person she was then. I don’t know the person she is now. Not at all. Time moved on, for both of us. She doesn’t really know me, either. We are strangers now, who share the occasional video and meme. Well, I do. Like so many friendships in my life, if it wasn’t for me putting forth the effort, it would die off.
What all have I lost out on? What did I not notice before it slipped away. Got another friendship that is on life support once I left Alaska. Two, actually. I’ve tried so hard to keep things going. There are so few people left in my life that I’m close to. Everyone went their own way, and now I’m left behind, with only memories keeping me company, because I feel like I haven’t built shit for myself down here.
I haven’t met her husband. Not once. My old flame got married, and I’ve never even spoken a single word to the guy. I keep forgetting his name. I think of Rudy from that movie of the same name. But that’s not his name. I don’t know the first thing about the guy. Don’t even know his last name. A sign of how far we’ve drifted apart. She never even saw fit to introduce us. A sign to move on, perhaps. Friendships that are gone. I’ve never been good at letting go. I also have so few people in my life.
Time moves forward. Only forward. I would move with it, but looking at the future just depresses me. Part of me tries to go into fantasies of the world I want to live in. The home I want to live in. The dream home, that I’ve talked about on here a lot. Of being in that kitchen, making delicious things for the woman I love and our kitty. Hopefully kitties, by then. Get our Tali a little friend kitty to look after and be friends with. Getting to lay down on the couch in our little library. The sun shining in, a kitty lying on top of me, listening to jazz music and enjoying my four-day work week that pays enough for us to not have to worry about the future. It’s a nice thought.
Can’t live in the present, the future sucks, and the past is holding me back. What is the answer?
Until next time, a quote,
“Most people think that time is like a river that flows swift and sure in one direction. But I have seen the face of time, and I can tell you – they are wrong.” – The Prince, Prince of Persia: The Sand of Time
Peace out,
Maverick
Lucien Maverick's Den 