Lucien’s Review: King of Thorn

King of ThornSomething to know – modern anime kind of sucks.  And by kind of, I mean a lot.  When I first heard about Attack on Titan, I heard that it was going to be a gory, action-packed mind-fuck, with blood and guts and insane levels of violent awesomeness meld together to form a thrill ride.  And sure, the action is awesome, and I do like the series, but I acknowledge that it doesn’t live up to the hype.  However, I could forgive all that.  Really, I could.  I could forgive all of that if it wasn’t indicative of what so much modern anime is like nowadays!  Whether it be Terror in Resonance or Riddle Story of Devil, there are a shit-ton of anime that I am watching lately that all have really cool ideas that go where?  Nowhere, that’s where!  I hate this!  Why?  Because when I see a story that has a neat idea, then watch the creators fail to commit to it, then I am basically watching something that wasted my time.  And that can really piss me off, especially when it’s fucking everywhere these days!  This movie is no exception.

Wanna know the good ideas this film had?  Let me tell you the premise, and maybe you’ll figure it out.  The story goes that there is an outbreak of a disease called Medousa.  It is turning the human race into stone, and there seems to be no cure.  Out of nowhere, a company develops a special method of sealing people in cryotubes, until a cure can be found.  The lot of those sealed away wake up, but all is not as it seems.  There hideaway is now filled with thorns, and there is more.  Monsters that have come out to kill them as well.  What happened?  How long were they sealed away?  Is there a cure for the ailment killing them?  Well, because this movie wants to basically suck, it’ll force-feed you the answers and then offer no satisfactory resolution.  There, I saved you 100 minutes of boredom.  You’re welcome.

For real, this movie starts out on such a high note.  You have the world being overcome with an illness.  Neat.  Then you have the US government thinking that there is some kind of human element behind the madness.  That this illness was man-made.  They think that it is something to do with the company who made the cryogenic technology.  So, they make a plan to invade, and…?!  It goes nowhere.  That’s right, we never see thing one about it.  It’s never addressed.  The monsters?  Oh yeah, that’s wrapped up in five seconds.  The disease?  A few lines of dialogue.

So what is the rest of this movie filled with?  Well, it’s filled with action!  Boring, boring action.  You sure do see a fair amount of blood?  But all the carnage?  Nope!  This movie was advertised on the fact that there is guts and gore!  Where is it?  Nowhere to be found!  Because then this movie might actually be committing to something.  Can’t have that.

You know what the worst part about this and the rest of these anime that I am getting so pissed about lately is?  The fact that they’re animated well!  I remember a time when at least the fact that there was so much garbage, you could tell by how shoddy the animation was.  Here, some of this animation is fucking awesome!  Granted, they use some terrible CG integration, but this had a budget!  So did Riddle Story of Devil, and I fucking hate that series!  So did Terror in Resonance, and same deal!  What is it with so many studios making products that have real production values, but end up sucking so bad?!  I really need to know, because this needs to stop.  What is the deal?  Why is it so hard to make good anime anymore?

This movie should have been amazing.  It damn well could have been.  This could have been one of the most gruesome and hardcore movies ever done.  But it isn’t.  Like so many films these days, it is falling short so bad.  I legitimately don’t know why the Rebuild of Evangelion films are so good.  Maybe it’s because the series biggest failing was in that the budget went to shit.  They fixed that, and now it’s great.  Go figure.  Still, this movie is so much garbage.  But it doesn’t suck in terms of sheer quality.  So the Final Verdict on this movie has to reflect that.  But don’t get me wrong, on a totally subjective level, this film is just a symptom of a much larger problem – that modern anime shows and films are so fucking gutless.  They have total cowards making them.  People who can’t just let the audience decide how good they are.  Anime is becoming like Call of Duty.

For as much shit as those games take, you can’t deny that they are polished games.  They are polished to a mirror shine, and it can be impressive.  They get Hollywood talent to make those games.  That’s what anime these days is – polished, beautiful, boring, repetitive garbage.  That’s the nicest thing that I can say about this movie.  Objectively, it looks great and if you are able to turn off your brain, you’ll find something you’re looking for.  For the rest, we have been given another piece of shlock that just makes me appreciate the series that I grew up with even more.

Final Verdict
5 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

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