Hogwarts is a TERRIBLE School!

Alright, time to talk about something that nobody cares about anymore, and to talk about it like it actually matters.  I know, you all are very excited too.  I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I have finally come up with some excellent reasons why Hogwarts would be one of the worst schools that you could possibly go to.  Ready for the geek-hate.

1. The magic in that universe would get its ass kicked by modern technology
I know, all of us wanted to be able to do magic when we were kids, but really think about it – their magic sucks.  You need a wand, can’t do magic without said wand and you can’t just think a spell into existence.  At least with Gandalf, he can do stuff just by thinking it, and his magic seems to have a lot more practical applications.  Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, it is contingent on having a wand, the knowledge to do it and is VERY word-sensitive, meaning that if you don’t say the spell right, it either screws up or horrifically bad things happen, like when Ron turned a rat into a half-cup, which gives one nightmares.

But to a better look at this issue – when Voldemort comes to power, the wizarding world doesn’t think to tell us, which would make sense except for one thing – that psychopath effs up our world too!  For real, he destroys a bridge, does countless amounts of collateral damage and we are none the wiser, which must be terrifying on every level.  The religious people in Britain would think that it is the end of the world, and ironically enough, it could have been!  But then you have modern technology.  If we had been aware of who he was, the war against Voldemort would have been over faster than you can shake a stick at.  For one thing, he was out in the open, and could only attack people he knew were there.  So, all we had to do was get a high-powered sniper rifle, a crack-shot and his brains would have splattered on the ground and not one person in his posse would have heard a thing.

Or how about at the final battle at Hogwarts?  Voldemort and his army are gathered at the school.  Out in the open, clearly able to be attacked.  For real, they don’t have good cover or even weapons that could fight back against our own.  So why not use some drones and get some blasting done!  Or we could be a little methodical, while that shield was still up over Hogwarts and just carpet-bomb the entire area.  From high-altitude, they would barely have time to look up before being turned into chunks.  Sure, some of them might aparate away from the area, but very few.  I know that some of you are planning to hit me back with – but they couldn’t see Hogwarts!  Well, that’s why the people there would have had to reach out to us and made it so that we could.  So many problems could have been solved just that quickly.

Oh, and while we mention their failings in respect to modern technology, they use owls, which you are very aware takes its dear sweet time to send information.  We have Facebook and Twitter.  If there was a war going on with the fate of all of humanity at stake, don’t you think that a fast system of data transmission would have been preferable?

2. Hogwarts makes kids into morons
Think about this – what do they actually learn there?  They learn to cast spells and wizarding history, how to care for insanely-dangerous animals and how to create poisons and other such concoctions.  Uh, how about Math?  Science?  Reading?  Writing?  Any knowledge that they could use outside of the wizarding world?  Nope.  Not one bit.  Hell, their “Muggle Studies” courses are so lacking on the information that they are still trying to figure out how light bulbs work.  They know jack-shit about the outside world, and if you think about it, it makes sense why they haven’t progressed beyond the 16th century, culturally.  I mean, they have spells that do all the thinking for them.  Need to rebuild something?  There’s a spell for that (yes, an app for that pun. You’re welcome).  Need something to come to you?  There’s a spell for that.  Need to fly up in the air?  There’s a spell for that.  If you look at the buildings in their world, along with read about them, you see that their buildings are not well-designed, would fall apart in an earthquake the size of the one that effed-up Haiti.  Who designed them?  Who built them?  They couldn’t fathom the complexity of modern architecture.  I mean, their sewer system was so massive that a fucking basilisk could move through it, without difficulty!

The fact is that they go out into the world, unable to come into our world.  They have an understanding of the world that is comparable to a 3rd grader.  What’s more, they come out of that world with unimaginable power, which leads us into our next problem…

3. They have an entire house that is a terrorist cell
In case you are confused about which one I am talking about, it is Slytherin.  Their entire existence is to take in the evil people.  Dress it up however you like, but admit it – they have a HUGE predilection for evil there.  Anytime people who are cutthroat come to Hogwarts, they go to Slytherin.  And they are in a school that is teaching them powerful spells that can torture people with ease, control a person’s mind and evil kill without needing anything more than a wand.  They also learn to make poisons, potions that can give them the power to disguise themselves as anyone, provided that they have that person nearby to get a hair or two from.  They could disguise themselves as the President of the United States or the Queen of England, and no one would be the wiser.  Plus, they have an entire division of their government that erases our memories.  They literally violate our minds to keep their world secret.  Does that sit right with you?

But back to Slytherin, if they are aware that the house is the source of all the evil in that school, why do they not expel the kids there?  Or how about, when they find out that they belong there, have the kid taken to another room and then axed off.  Tell the other students that they are being sent to another school, or that the house of Slytherin is a kind of distance education.  Or hell, be straight with them after the naming ceremony is over, so they know that the greater good is being served.  But in this house, they are getting all this knowledge, in addition to knowledge that would allow them to control unbelievably powerful monsters and use them to kill people.  These people could learn to control fucking dragons!  Oh, and while we’re on that subject…

4. They have a universe filled with unbelievably powerful monsters that NOBODY keeps track of!
For real, you find out that in the forest around the school, there is a MASSIVE colony of giant spiders that will kill any intruders who get too close.  They have powerful dragons that take dozens of people to keep control of, and they don’t see the need to tell us.  They have guards at their prisons who LITERALLY suck the life out of you just by their very presence.  Don’t you think that somebody in this world would want to know that definitive death could be waiting just around the corner?  Which leads me to my final problem –

5. They would be wiped out once we find out.
Think about it – if you were a member of the British government, and one day your satellite scans, well-outside the range of Hogwarts protective spells that keep it hidden, catches sight of this, what would you do?

The reality is that the secret of Hogwarts was bound to come out sooner or later.  With the speed in which technology is growing, it is only a matter of time.  So, we find out about this world that has unimaginable power and has been erasing our minds and controlling our thoughts for centuries, and even has this dark wizard who could destroy everything, and they don’t tell us?!  Oh yeah, I guarantee you that America would be right with the British when our military rolls in and occupies that, or blows it the fuck up.  Dragons?  They would be either tamed or slaughtered.  Most likely tamed.  The military could find a TON of applications for them.  Dementors?  Killed, outright.  They wouldn’t be dependable as a military weapon and their power is too large.  No, we would just kill them.  Those spiders?  We would burn down that entire forest.  Kill them with fire!  All of them!  That is what they would be saying.  The fact is that the entire world of Hogwarts would be re-purposed by us, or simply destroyed.  They have too much power to be left alone, and they have abused that power, on us.

Before you go off on me, I like the universe of Hogwarts.  It was a fun school to grow up reading about.  It was one of my favorite series, when I was a kid.  But looking back on it now, that place is one of the worst places that one could ever get an education.  Period.

Until next time, a quote,

“Okay, the whole school is messed-up, not just Slytherin!  I mean, they start school when they’re what, ten years old?  From that point on, they just learn magic!  No math, no science…imagine a guy who has access to time travel, and a third-grader’s understanding of world history!  Now imagine that guy times 1000!  And imagine that a quarter of them are evil!”  -After Hours crew, Why the Harry Potter Universe is Secretly Terrifying 

Peace out,

Maverick