SIONR: Resident Evil Movies Getting a Six-Movie Reboot?! WHY?!

I don’t know how many of you know this, but the Resident Evil movies have sucked.  I can at least watch the first one because it has a couple genuinely scary moments, but the rest can’t even fall into the category of so bad they’re good.  They just suck.  They are cinematic abortions from first to last.  When I saw the preview for The Final Chapter, I was doing cartwheels because I finally thought that they were bringing an end to a series that NO ONE asked to go on this long.  No one.  People have been begging for this to end years ago.  Hell, the films aren’t even financially solvent, so why did this go on for so long?  Mysteries for the prophets.

But it seems that the films are already being planned for a six-film reboot.  Don’t believe me?  Check out this link and really soak in how stupid this is.  Naturally, it’s because of Germans that this abortion is being forced to keep going.  As they say, it’s brought in over $1.2 billion in profits.  For six films, with their level of production values, that actually seems pretty bad.  The article even says that the idea for six films is them milking it.  They want to suck this cash cow dry until there is absolutely nothing left.  I am in awe.

Can we please stop making video game movies?  I’m being serious.  These films suck.  Without a SINGLE exception, they all suck.  Everyone tried to defend the Warcraft film, but even then it was flimsy at best.  I can at least acknowledge that the original Silent Hill film was made by someone who at least loved the games and wanted to do right by them.  It still sucked, but there was at least a little heart.  More than most of this shit.  Video game films are becoming the bottom of the film barrel, and Hollywood is showing that they don’t care if film budgets are wasted making more of this garbage.  I honestly wish that Hollywood would realize that we need some originality in film.

Movies are getting so predictable.  I just got done watching Rogue One, and the whole time I’m like – something interesting is going to happen soon, right?  I liked Civil War, but that’s because it actually had heroes fighting each other.  That was unique.  But I am still tired of comic book movies.  Star War VII was a remake of the original with a check and even less fun.  None of the big movies even get my attention anymore.  And now they are releasing a new Pirate of the Caribbean film and I bet that film will die even more than the previous film did.  That franchise has been played out.  The only film I actually want to see coming out soon is Dunkirk, because it is being made by a direct who I know will make a film that isn’t just me watching a computer.

I know that there are people in Hollywood who have good ideas.  The problem is that studios are basically condemning them to never get anything made because all they care about is something easy to market.  Something that they can put out there and know there will be a return of investment.  It’s why we have Transformers VI, Star Wars: Independent Story Nobody Cared About, Cars 3, and other equally-uninteresting films that will still make a ton of money because the audience in this country is retarded.

And while we’re on the subject, can we PLEASE stop with these reboots?!  I am fucking sick of films that play on nostalgia as the only way to keep you in the seats.  All of these films just make me realize how much I loved the original.  That’s it.  I groan when I see a previews to another franchise or something that I loved being turned into a cash-grab.  Thankfully, these films are becoming less and less financially successful, which hopefully can give the six-figure salaries and two-digit IQs in Hollywood a clue that this crap is played out.

In the meantime, fuck this latest reboot.  I haven’t seen one of these films in years, and I am not going to now.  Who are the idiots who keep watching this shit?  I honestly want to know.

Until next time, a quote,

“Running out of ideas will put in you the dark until death.” – Cambodian Proverb

Peace out,


Lucien’s Review: Moonrise Kingdom

Moonrise KingdomThere’s something you have to know about Wes Anderson’s movies before we get too far into this – his style is verbose.  Not a little.  A lot.  Like, so incredibly much.  It’s part of the reason that his films will NEVER have mainstream acceptance.  You have to have a lot of patience for weird shots, weird cuts, and his strange style in order to enjoy his films.  It’s not easy.  Some are easier than others.  This film is one of those that is less so.  But if you can stick with it, this is one of those movies that only Wes Anderson can do, and he does it so well.  It is extreme style over substance, but for what it is, I did enjoy this quite a bit.

The plot (such as it is) follows the misadventures of Sam and Suzy.  Two kids who are both weird in that way that only a Wes Anderson film can be.  Sam is an orphan who has nowhere to go.  Suzy is a girl with her own quirks.  They run away together and the film tells their story.  I would say more, but the reality is that there isn’t more to the plot than that.  As I said, style over substance.  In the extreme.  Doing reviews of this guy’s movies is difficult.

It’s hard to talk about Wes Anderson’s movies from the perspective of various elements and what works and what doesn’t.  The simple reality is that his style doesn’t resonate with everyone.  Some people will find the almost-constant lateral tracking shots and weird angles off-putting.  That’s understandable.  I am one of those who can deal with it.  Then there is the fact that the acting is always off too.  Anderson likes a specific kind of character – the understated one.  You almost never see a character losing their cool or getting worked up.  The acting is always downplayed.  I get the feeling that it makes being in his movies into a giant pain in the ass.  I can only imagine what kind of director Wes Anderson is.  Because his movies are so verbose, being in them requires a special kind of actor.  I get the feeling that bad performances are not tolerated.

To that end, every performance in this film was pretty great.  For starters, getting to see Bruce Willis as a character again is quite nice.  He’s been phoning it in for so long that you forget that there is actually a really good actor underneath it all.  I have missed this guy.  I haven’t seen Frances McDormand in anything in years.  She’s pretty funny.  Bil Murray is Bill Murray.  But honestly, the two who steal the film are the kids who play Sam and Suzy.  Both of them have this weird chemistry that makes their little relationship both adorable and believable.  I know, hard to believe, given that the style is so weird.  However, it works.

Another reason that I like this movie is because it makes me think back to my own childhood.  While no child is like Sam or Suzy, I was still a weird kid.  I was alone a lot (as opposed to now, where all I am is alone), doing my own thing.  I kind of lived in my own little world.  The friends I had were people who I thought would like living in that little world with me.  Wish I had the guts these two kids had, going off somewhere for an adventure.  Oh well.  It’s all just memories, now.  The messages about childhood in this movie bring back those memories.  Adulthood hasn’t done much, for me.  Just poverty and constantly being alone.  Yay.

Worth pointing out is that there are elements of this film that might make one a bit uncomfortable.  The idea of young love is addressed, and they don’t pull any punches.  If that sort of thing weirds you out, consider yourself warned.

All of this being said, the simple fact is that your enjoyment of this movie hinges on how much you can put up with its style.  There isn’t a single frame where it isn’t there.  If this review seems disjointed, now you know how this movie is.  I think it’s a lot of fun, but your mileage will vary.  This movie isn’t always cathartic.  It’s a story about young love, and sometimes that is hard.  Take that for what you will.

Final Verdict
8 out of 10

Peace out,


Lucien’s Review: Fantastic Mr. Fox

Fantastic Mr. FoxPart of me is so glad that Wes Anderson’s movies are becoming more accepted by the mainstream, because this man has a gift.  His comedy is absurd, and the acting in his movies even moreso.  It’s like this strange mix of cute and awkward.  Everything is strange, in every movie he’s ever made.  But as strange as it all is, it’s still adorable.  This man can’t make a normal movie to save his life, but bless him, he’s got a gift where it matters most.  I honestly can’t think of another director who can do it as well as Wes Anderson, whatever you call his style.  This movie is no exception.  Perhaps it’s fitting that he has adapted a book by Roald Dahl.  That man couldn’t tell a normal story to save his life either.  These two were made for each other.

In true Wes Anderson fashion, the plot of this is ridiculous.  A fox named Mr. Fox is a master thief.  He’s spent the better part of his years steaming chickens, turkeys, pidgeons and other things from the local farmers.  However, when his girlfriend at the time tells him that she’s pregnant, he has to give up the criminal life and settle in to something more domestic.  Several fox years later (yes, that’s a thing in this movie), Mr. Fox is now living in a hole in the ground, but he dreams of better things.  After using his badger lawyer (yes, that’s a thing in this movie) to get into some prime real estate, he is too tempted by the potential for thieving to stay in retirement.  Thus begins an utterly absurd plot that goes all over the place for no reason at all, only to end in a place that you think to yourself – why?  Just…why?

This movie is absurd, in every way.  But while it makes no sense at all, this movie bleeds style.  It’s done in claymation, which fits.  But while the animation is old-school, this movie moves fast!  I mean really fast!  I’m not talking about plot.  I mean the animation.  Some of the one-take shots are just amazing.  Anderson has a style where he likes to move laterally in his films.  Nowhere is that more on display than right here.  Part of what makes the comedy in this film work is just how fast it moves.  But the visual style is all this films own, and it makes how absurd it is work just great.

Which brings me to the acting.  Wes Anderson has a gift at bringing out this strange ability for people in his movies to be both engaged and detached at the same time.  That’s the only way I can think to describe it.  It makes pretty much every character really interesting.  I’m trying to think of a word for the acting style in Anderson’s movies.  Awkward-confident?  I don’t really know.  But it’s a style that only Anderson can master.  The best role is, of course, Mr Fox.  George Clooney brings that role to light in such a fantastic way.  For whatever strange reason, the lead member of every cast that Anderson puts together is always perfect for the role.

But the best thing about this movie is the comedy.  Unlike modern American comedy films, this movie is drowning in visual comedy.  It is such a lost art.  There is also this strange aspect of the film.  Like it’s modern, but not.  Part of the strange universe that the film makes.  It makes for some great juxtaposition between elements of this movie.  But if you are going to enjoy this kind of comedy, you have to have a LOT of patience for things that make no sense at all.  Things that will leave you wondering – why?  Just…why?  Random moments that come right the hell out of nowhere, and are never addressed again.  Or if they are addressed, it’s in a strange way.  At no point does anything about this movie feel ordinary.

It’s hard to really give a good review of a Wes Anderson film.  How do you describe something that never makes any sense?  I will say that this is a very funny movie.  A lot of the comedic elements take old films standards and mix them with an almost British style, yet with an American twist of comedic acting.  Visual, awkward, and character driven.  That’s how I can describe it!  It’s Wes Anderson doing what he does best.  Take it for what you will.

Final Verdict
8 out of 10

Peace out,