Lucien’s First Take: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare

I have such a confused amount of emotions right now.  See, on the one hand, Activision is an evil corporation who, over the last few years, has produced some of the biggest piles of shit.  They are money-grubbing cocksuckers who don’t care about anything but milking players from their wallets.  The stories about them are plentiful, and they have earned the hatred players have for them.  So when I heard that they were rebooting the Modern Warfare games, I was all aboard to hate it.  I love the original three games.  Even the third one, which has its problems but is still fun.  It’s an okay conclusion to the saga.  So when I heard that Activision was rebooting this, I figured that I would have nothing but negative things to say about it.  However, with the trailer for it finally having dropped…I’m sorry, but this looks awesome.  I feel so bad saying that.  How can a game in this franchise look this good?!  Let’s watch it, then talk about it.

We start with some absolutely breath-taking visuals, which the trailer promises me are in-game footage.  There’s a very British guy narrating, about the rules changing (a phrase that needs to die.  It’s been used in fucking everything, and it needs to die), and how him and his are being sent into places that nobody knows about to do bad things.  Okay.  Then we zoom in on the British guy and see that it’s Captain Price.  Only voiced by a new person this time.  Kinda bummed about that.  I loved the original voice-over of Price.  But let’s see where this goes.

Following this, there is a breath-taking montage of visuals that are just incredible.  Our special forces guys are breaching a home and killing people.  Then there are some Army dudes jumping out of a plane.  That’s cool too.  A cut to what seems to be some kind of riot, and a dude shooting at someone in a car.  Then it seems we are in the perspective of a cop, shooting back.  Wonder what the story is there.  Riding along with some tanks in a Middle Eastern nation, with a fighter blowing shit up, and troops on the ground getting caught in an explosion.  It looks like the primary backdrop of this game is in the Middle East, where shit has gotten real.  Okay.  To be fair, that is modern warfare.  Proxy wars in the Middle East.  Liking what I see.

Then it cuts to…a child soldier?  Damn.  I had heard Infinity Ward was going to be going all dark and gritty, but I genuinely didn’t expect them to go to this level.  Not complaining.  I love some darkness, so long as it is handled well.  Too many times, dark things in games are either brushed aside or handled poorly.  But this is Infinity Ward, after all.  They did make Modern Warfare 2, which had one of the darkest scenes in all of gaming.  So let’s see where this goes.

It concludes by telling us that the game is coming out October 25th.  Again, I’m sorry guys, but it looks cool.  A promise of a rich campaign, with a compelling narrative, made by the guys who made the best games in the original franchise.  I’m not gonna lie, I wanna play.  It’s trendy to hate on Call of Duty these days.  They’ve made some real shit in the last few years.  Their parent company is a money-grubbing asshole.  But maybe this is what it will take to pull them out of a rut.  Going back to boots on the ground with a compelling narrative and good characters.  A man can dream, right?

Initial Verdict
I feel dirty liking this

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: Aladdin Trailer (2019)

You know what I hate?  Modern Disney.  Modern Disney has lost every ounce of the creativity that old-school Disney had.  Their creativity hit its last peak in the 90’s, and after that it’s all been downhill.  Now, because Disney is so devoid of creativity and desperate for quick bullshit that they can cash in on because they need to get pools of money that they can dive into like Scrooge McDuck, we have live-action remakes of their biggest movies back when they were animated and cool.  And they have, without a SINGLE EXCEPTION, sucked.  Badly.  They are all terrible.  The worst offender among them is the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast.  A film that proved that not only can Emma Watson not act, but she also can’t sing.  Go figure.

Since Disney is out of creativity, they also decided that they should take the time to shit on the legacy of Robin Williams as well, and make a remake of one of their best animated films, where the late actor was able to bring so much to it.  His role as Genie is iconic.  But hey, that’s just how it goes.  I guess Will Smith will get a crack at it.  The idea of having to hear him sing “Never Had a Friend Like Me” makes my cringe muscles go out of control.

However, they have finally released a trailer.  Before this, there was the poster for the film, and I will say that if there is one and only thing that they did right in this, it’s that the lamp looks cool.  That’s it.  Now, let’s watch the trailer for this movie and see what the damage is.

We begin on what is, admittedly, a very cool shot of the Arabian dessert.  Sand dunes are always very beautiful to film.  While the heat and I are not friends, part of me would love to see that scenery in person someday.  But we have this terrible orchestral version of the song that begins the animated film, “Arabian Nights.”  Oh Groj.  Not holding up well and we’re only a few seconds in.

Then we cut to another shot of the dunes, but look!  A CG city in the background!  Oh boy!  Obvious CG is obvious.  It’s not even well integrated.  It looks so out of place in this setting.  We get a closer shot, with CG parrot who I am going to assume is Iago.  It’s a safe assumption.  And just like every CG character in all the live-action versions of these movies, it looks bad.  These films really have hit a high mark in all having consistently terrible CG creations.  That’s almost impressive.  Not a single film stands out in any real way for quality CG characters.  Maybe it’s because I am just so conditioned to this shit and it has gotten to the point that I don’t take this shit seriously anymore.  Oh how I long for the days of practical effects.  Would it have been that hard to train a real parrot to fly around?  I guess they couldn’t do that over a CG environment where everything looks fake.  The bird would get lost in front of a green-screen.

We get to hear the voice of the Cave of Wonders!  Oh boy!  The creepy cave that appears from the dunes because of a weird magic beetle thing.  So how bad is this CG going to look?  The irony is that it was CG in the animated film, and I guarantee that will have looked a million times better.  Wait, what?  It’s a regular cave, but with glowing eyes?  Then how, exactly, has no one gone to get that lamp before?  If this cave is just sitting there waiting, then how has no one gone in there?  The voice-over tells me that only the “diamond in the rough” can enter, but if the place doesn’t open, then that rings hollow.  I’m sure that the cave disappears without some terrible CG effect.  I was right, though.  The Cave of Wonders in the original film, with dated CG, looks better than this.  Can nothing impress me in this trailer?

Oh look!  CG cave!  With CG treasure!  In an entirely CG backdrop without a single bit of an actual set!  Wow!  That’s so fake that the fakeness of it is leaping right off the fucking screen at me.  We get the title in that iconic font, and then we have Arab main character guy reaching for the lamp, which, as I said before, does look cool.  There.  I found one thing that impresses me – the lamp.  Congrats, Disney.  Some underpaid artisan worked really hard on a cool piece to go with a terrible movie.  Kudos to that craftsman.  Whatever you paid them, it wasn’t enough.

This looks so fucking stupid.  This is the next entry in the creatively bankrupt Disney corporation, who is so desperate to just cash in instead of taking risks.  Gotta love.  Of course, these films make bank, so I guess the retarded American public eats this shit up too.  So I get to be in a wonderful minority of people who see all these truly amazing films languish on the vine, while endless dreck like superhero films and whatever cash-grab remake, reboots, sequel, or live-action version has the intellectually-void public paying money for.  This country needs to fucking die.  Not kidding.

Initial Verdict
I’m so sorry, Robin Williams, that Disney wants to shit on your legacy

Peace out,


SIONR: I Don’t Think Venom Will Be An R-Rated Movie

I really don’t, and it’s bugging me.  There was a new trailer released today.  The CG is polished, the character is definitely looking the part.  We see our villain, the Riot symbiote, and we get to hear Venom have very violent talks with people.  All of that stuff should be excellent to think about.  But there is something that keeps dogging on me.  Something that I can’t get out of my head, and at this point it is REALLY starting to eat away at me.  It’s the culmination of a bunch of things I have seen that got me to this sudden realization – I don’t think that this is going to be the R-rated movie we were promised.

The first clue was Tom Hardy saying that he got into this role because of his son.  Which means that he intends for the kiddo to see this movie.  Which means that he feels it is kid appropriate.  That doesn’t give me much confidence.

Next up was the trailer itself.  There are a number of things that caught my attention.  First, we keep being told about violence, but we never see any.  In fact, some of what we see contradicts the violence that is alluded to.  Example – we have Venom talking to a dude about eating his organs.  That sounds like fun!  Let’s see some violent action!  Oh wait, you see a couple seconds later him throw the dude.  It’s so fast that I didn’t catch it the first time, but I tend to rewatch things over and over.  It’s a bad habit.  It’s why I should avoid trailers, probably.  Especially since modern trailers tend to ruin the whole damn film.

Then there is a scene where Riot is letting loose with its giant clawed arms.  It is slashing outward at everyone who is directly in front of it.  Awesome!  Oh wait, it shows everyone being knocked over.  What?!  You would be dismembering everyone in that room!  Where’s the blood?!  Why is there not a single drop of blood in any of that?!  That scene in-particular really is rubbing me the wrong way.  The bulk of the people in that room should be headless, or mutilated in some horrible way.  But they’re not! You can see that they’re not!  No blood.  No gore.  No nothing!

Finally, we have this bit where Venom is accosting what I presume to be a robber or something.  He is talking about how he is going to rip his arms and legs off, then his face off and roll him down the street like a turd.  That line, by the way, was pretty great.  That’s Venom!  But as he’s biting down, it cuts away.  Okay, fine.  This is a trailer for all audiences, so that makes sense.  Here’s the problem – if he actually did this, there should be blood everywhere!  Just, everywhere.  That woman at the check-out stand should be horrified, with blood all over either her register or that and her.  It would make Tom Hardy’s line there trying to play it off that much better. Because he just did this horrible thing, then says “bye, Mrs. Chang!”  Like how in Deadpool you have Colossus grilling the titular character about his violent methods, and him trying to play it off, only for a dude who was splattered all over the billboard to come crashing down.  That was funny!  Making it a little more grotesque would still make that work.

You know what this movie needs, if it is going to sell how violent it is?  A Red Band trailer.  Now more than ever.  Because I am convinced that all the people who think this is going to be a crazy violent superhero film was duped.  I’m one of them!  I genuinely believed the articles talking about this.  But now I am almost positive that that isn’t what is going to happen.  This movie is going to be mass-market appeal.  The nerds who like Venom for the violent bastard he is?  Fuck them!  Gotta make a family feature!  Yay….

I am happy that they aren’t just jumping right into Carnage in this movie.  It’s taking the comic story of all the offspring of Venom.  That’s kinda neat.  I am also really liking the design of this character.  Clearing up the voice to show that it is Tom Hardy is also really great.  It kills me that I am so reserved, because it’s clear that Tom Hardy is genuinely trying in this film.  Nothing in the trailer tells me he isn’t putting his all into this performance.  But this movie has been marketed as another entry into the violent superhero genre, and now I am almost dead-certain that that isn’t how this is going to play out.  That bums me.

Does this mean that the film will suck?  No.  But fucking with people’s expectations is going to REALLY hurt it in reviews.  If Sony is just blowing smoke about the violence in this movie, I think they should come out now and make a statement about it.  Better to get this expectation tempered before the reviews come out and crucify the film.  Head it off.  Otherwise, put out a Red Band trailer.  Let the adults who are expecting this to be violent get a little vindication.  Just a thought.

Until next time, a quote,

“So many sacs, so little time.” – Venom, Venom

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: GHOSTBUSTERS – Official Trailer

I remember hearing about this film being made a long time ago.  Back then, my former friend Peter said that he thought that this film was going to be great!  I wasn’t so certain.  But they have finally released a trailer.  Let’s all go into this with open minds and see if what is what is in this film.  I got a bad feeling about this…

Oh dear Groj.  This is…this is fucking awful.  Let’s take this trailer apart bit by bit and show just how bad this is.

We start out with a statement that 30 years ago, the Ghostbusters saved New York.  So, is this a sequel?  I ask that because what follow confuses me.  They say that now a new team is going to “answer the call.”  And who is that new team?  Why three derpy-derpys!  That’s what!  They have this one funny scene where this chick tries to get close to a ghost and it spews ecto-plasm all over her.  But then it makes a chick joke.  I think I’ve found this movie’s formula.  This isn’t good.

What did they do to the Ghosbusters theme?!  Why did you decide to make it sound like this?  And why is it broken up within the rest of this trailer?!  It plays during this montage of these characters who aren’t remotely interesting.  You gotta give the original film (not the sequel.  That movie sucked) some credit.  Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis, and Ernie Hudson are DAMN charismatic.  Here, we got derpy-derp stereotypes!  Hell, this movie goes out of its way to say what those stereotypes are!  We got the particle engineer.  We got the academic physics person.  The…fat person?  Oh, and the sassy black chick!  I’m so glad that this movie is going out of its way to make characters who we don’t have to get to know on a personal level.  That would take all the fun out of actually having to like them.  Give the original film some credit.  The characters might have been cliches of their respective roles, but their ability to be funny and play off each other made it work.  And the “jokes” in this trailer are fucking painful.

I have to ask – what were they thinking?  People wanted an actual sequel to Ghostbusters!  Sure, Harold Ramis is dead, but the rest of the crew damn sure isn’t!  What is this?!  This is a reboot.  That’s what it is.  And it’s being done just as bluntly and stupidly as all the rest.  I guess this is a “female power” Ghostbusters movie?  O…kay.

When you add the REALLY bad special-effects, there is nothing in this trailer that compels me to like it.  Nothing at all.  They don’t even have some bullshit cameo from Bill Murray, who said that this film is totally approved by him.  Well, the Evil Dead remake was approved by Bruce Campbell, and it sucked.  This one is looking to follow in its footsteps.  There are no other words I can say.  This is the dumbest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

Initial Verdict
3 out of 10

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: Fantastic Four (Reboot) Teaser Trailer

Another year, another bunch of Marvel movies being released.  I swear, they are really overplaying their hand with how many movies they are putting out.  But I can’t blame Disney, for this one.  After all, Twentieth Century Fox owns the rights to the Fantastic Four.  I think we all remember those OTHER movies, don’t we?

Yes, the Fantastic Four films were giant pieces of shit.  Both of them.  With the guy who played Reed Richards being a complete dork, Jessica Alba and her inability to act (but look really hot in a movie), and let’s not even talk about The Thing and how ridiculous it looked.  Yes-indeed, those films were probably the greatest amalgamation of over-the-top cartoon-y that they were only made for kids who hadn’t reached puberty yet.  So their appeal died just that fast.  When I heard that a new bunch of films with this name were coming out, my first thought was – this is going to suck.  It didn’t help that I read somewhere that Victor Doom was going to be some Internet troll, instead of the wealthy genius that his source material was.  So yeah, my expectations were not high for this movie.  Then the trailer comes out.

Maybe it’s just my lack of expectations, following the release of the previous films, but this looks…boring. I am bored by this trailer.  It doesn’t look as laughably stupid as Ant-Man, but it doesn’t look very interesting.  You got some scientists.  Okay.  You got some science-y stuff happening.  Okay.  You got some kind of experiment.  Okay.  You see little hints at people’s powers.  Alright.  And…that’s it?

I mean, if you are going to show off the Fantastic Four, it might help to actually do that.  I guess it’s because it was a teaser trailer, but I would think that that is when you want to shove in the most fan service.  Because without it, this movie looked about as interesting as lukewarm apple pie.  I swear, I’ve seen ads for baseboard heaters that kept my attention better than that.  Granted, it was because the trailer was in Japanese and had Hulk Hogan singing a stupid song (because he clearly needed the money, otherwise he wouldn’t have been near that), but still.

So my thoughts are – this movie looks…average.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  It brings back an old debate.  Which is worse – a film that is terrible, or a movie that is so boring that it doesn’t even get that?  You all be the judge.  Let me know what you think in the comments section down below.

Oh, and before I forget – everyone has gotten butthurt because The Human Torch is now being played by a black guy.  To which I respond – you all are fucking idiots, shut the fuck up.  This movie doesn’t look like it’s going to be good anyway.  Why does this guy affect that?

Initial Verdict
5 out of 10

Peace out,