My gay girly-mate and I got to talking and there are a ton of things in movies that bug us. See, I’m the kind of guy who analyzes things. To death. Like way past the point where it’s healthy. It’s why I know that the only reason Mufasa hates the hyenas in The Lion King is because they’re black. They’re a minority living in the savannah’s projects. If that isn’t a more obvious metaphor, I don’t know what it. So my friend and I thought about the things we hate most, and I came up with this handy Top 10 list of them. Let’s get into it. Here are the things in movies that grind my gears the most.
10. Everyone in the post-apocalypse easily finding gas for cars
Am I the only person that this bugs? I need a straight answer about that. How are people not aware of how absolutely insane this is? From The Walking Dead to Mad Max, it seems like everyone in the post-apocalyptic world is very easily finding gas for their cars. Do people just not know that gas has a shelf life? Depending on how it’s stored, it can be from one to three months for ethanol fuels. It blows my mind that you have all these movies where it has been years, sometimes tens of years from when gas was pumped, and it’s still good. What?!
9. Whispering is never whispering
Do the people who make movies just not realize that they are professionals with sound equipment and can easily make whispering show up in a movie without characters talking very loudly and them just bringing down the audio levels to make it sound like whispering? We can tell the difference! Or maybe I can, but that’s just me.
8. Ordinary people surviving things that would obviously kill them
When I watch Captain America: The Winter Soldier and see the titular character survive falling over ten stories, crashing through a window and then surviving all by landing on his shield, I am able to look past that. Why? Because that shield is made of vibranium, a fictional metal that takes impact forces and blasts it outward. It’s nearly indestructible. That and he’s a superhero. It’s a superhero film about superhuman characters. I am okay with that. What bugs me is when I see character who are shown to be average people surviving things that would OBVIOUSLY kill them. Michael Bay’s Transformers movies are a great example of what I’m talking about. There you have tons of people falling huge distances or smashing through things and having little to no damage on them whatsoever.
7. Guns shooting, but no casings hitting the ground
I finally got around to seeing the first season of Stranger Things because Netflix released it on DVD. Good stuff. The kid characters are my favorites, but every arc is interesting. The last episode where the government troops are with the head of the facility and the demagorgon appears is pretty intense, but as everyone is shooting, I’m noticing something – why are there no casings hitting the ground? These people have fired a ton of rounds, yet you don’t hear a single casing hitting the floor. The visual for the guns looks fake too. This tells me that the entire effect was done in post. It bugs me when there are supposed to be guns going off, but you don’t see or hear a single casing flying out of it. Totally takes me out of the scene.
6. Bland superhero villains
I’m looking at you, Marvel. The MCU films run the gamut in quality, but one thing that FAR too many of them have in common is the lackluster villains. Some of them are just written badly, but it grinds my gears when you have characters who have the potential to be interesting villains, but aren’t. There are a few examples of those who aren’t that bad. I liked every villain in The Winter Soldier, and Baron Zemo in Civil War wasn’t half-bad. They have been building up Thanos for some time now. PLEASE don’t let him be some boring, forgettable villain. This film is supposed to be him fucking up the MCU’s shit to get the Infinity Gems, so let’s have him do some damage!
5. Good guys being dumb
There’s that great line in Spaceballs – Evil will always win, because good is dumb. Um, yeah. Good is kinda dumb. The good guys have this really bad habit of being some of the dumbest people ever. For whatever reason, we like to have good guys being the stupidest fuckers. I guess because the idea is to have protagonists of big blockbusters relate to the dumb-shit American public? Meanwhile, you have these villains who are the intellectuals and are so egotistical. Why is it that intelligence is not a virtue that we can appreciate? Oh right, because America will vote for a political candidate because they feel like they can have a beer with them. This country is so fucking dumb.
4. “Comedy” films that only have people in a room talking
You know what I miss? Visual comedy. I miss when directors would try and get laughs from visual elements in films being used to help amuse the audience. Like when things appear in frame in funny ways. When things leave the frame in funny ways. When you can do like Wes Anderson does and use lateral tracking shots to sell ridiculous scenes. Why is it that every comedy film in this country feels like it’s just people in a room doing improv? I hate that shit. I’m looking at you, Paul Feig! Your movies suck! You’re the antithesis to comedy!
3. The films being made out of books is almost always a death sentence
Maybe I should have it that films are being made out of books. Because it seems like every time I see a book that I love being turned into a movie, I instinctively cringe. I recently was forced to watch the entire catalog of Harry Potter movies, and without a single exception, I hate them. They fuck up the ending of every single book! What made the books so good was how you’d have the mystery at the beginning of the story that is gradually solved by the end. At least the first four. After that they got kind of dumb. Well, aside from the sixth. That one was pretty good. There is all this build-up, leading to so much tension. And when it all blows up then it explodes in this huge climax that feels so good and has you glued to the pages. It’s pretty great stuff. Meanwhile, the films always fuck that up. Always. Without a single exception. And don’t even get me started on how much books made from Michael Crichton’s books almost always suck. My favorite author, and his books have been turned into Hollywood shit.
2. How dumbed-down PG and PG-13 ratings have become
Am I the only person who thinks that we might as well get rid of PG at this point? That rating means Pretty much G now. None of the films I have seen with that rating for the last 20 years have merited it. It’s so stupid. Maybe it’s just me, but I happen to believe that kids these days can handle the harder stuff. Can you imagine if Don Bluth’s masterpiece The Secret of NIMH had come out today? That probably would have gotten a PG-13 rating. And speaking of, here’s a video by a YouTuber I like that lays out the problem with PG-13 much more completely than I can.
And the thing I hate most in movies is…
1. Ordinary people outrunning things that would EASILY catch them
You know what I love? The velociraptors in Jurassic Park. Those things are badass with a capital B. Intense, dangerous, and not evil. Just animals doing what they do. And they are so cool. The kitchen scene where Tim and Lex are hiding from them as they hunt them down has so much tension. It’s great stuff. The two get split up and you have Lex being really clever and using a reflection to trick a raptor. That’s pretty smart. I like that. But then Tim decides that he is going to run, on foot, to the freezer and trap a raptor in there. He is on foot. Not only that, but he has a limp from when he had 10,000 volts of electricity cook him. That raptor would have been on him in two seconds ripping him to teeny tiny Timmy pieces! That scene is so laughably stupid that it blows my mind how ANYONE can take it seriously. It takes all the tension in that scene and blows it out the airlock. I hate it. While I do love that movie, that one particular scene pisses me off so much. Same with anything where you have normal people outrunning things that would OBVIOUSLY catch up to them in a matter of seconds, if not in a second.
What about you? What things in movies piss you off?
Until next time, a quote,
“Clever girl.” – Robert Muldoon, Jurassic Park