Lucien’s First Take: The Meg

I’ve been saying for a LONG time that Hollywood is out of ideas.  That’s obvious to anyone who is paying attention at this point.  From all the remakes, reboots, Disney’s TERRIBLE live-action remakes of their classic cartoons (all, without a single exception, suck), and let’s not even get started over how everything is either that or a sequel, it’s abundantly clear that Hollywood is totally out of ideas.  The fact that the Disney live-action remakes of their films make a shit-ton of money blows my mind.  What retards are going to see that crap for entertainment purposes?  Will never know.

But then we get shit like this.  A film that was scraped right down from the very bottom of the barrel.  I mean we’re talking about the caked-on sludge of old ideas that have been done to death.  This isn’t beating a dead horse.  This is going the Freddy Got Fingered route with its skin.  Actually fitting, if you think about it.  Retarded studio executives got together and said “what’s going to make a ton of money?  I know, let’s make a giant shark movie!”  They got some hack writer to come up with the script, and then found some washed-up action star to sell it.  Thus, The Meg was born.  Don’t worry, we’ll get to the title in a minute.  First, let’s take a look at the trailer.

Why is the Like ratio on this so high?!  Have I taken fucking crazy pills?!  Either I am the only sane person on the Internet, or the rest of this country is so intellectually dead that they are actually calling for this garbage.  I cannot believe it.  Sometimes I think that this country is filled with absolute retards.

First, the title.  I cannot take The Meg seriously.  This is the stupidest title I have ever seen on any film, ever.  I’ve seen porn movies with titles that aren’t this cringe-worthy.  All I can hear when I see a title like this is –

So yeah.  This is so stupid right off the bat.  But let’s keep going.  Alright, so we got cute little Asian girl with her ball that rolls around going through a really fake-CG underwater area.  The ball is suddenly stopped, when what do we find?  A REALLY fake CG shark!  And it’s big!  Wait, hasn’t The Asylum done dozens of these kinds of films already?  Is this literally just an Asylum picture with a higher budget?  Why are there so many likes on this?!  What is it that the people of the Internet wouldn’t like?  SevenLet the Right One InAkira?  The Internet has such phenomenally-bad taste that it blows my mind.  Uh-oh!  Really fake CG shark tries to bite the tiny Asian girl!  And for some reason fails.  What I’m sure is a fuck-ton of biting power, and it couldn’t bite through that glass.  Weird.

Then we cut to them exploring really fake CG…everything!  Are they even in water?!  There wasn’t a single shot in any of the stuff that followed that I didn’t think – CG was used.  I may think that Titanic is overrated crap, but at least James Cameron went out in the actual ocean.  Ugh!  The CG on everything in the environments is so distractingly terrible.  Why is this so bad?

Next, it cuts to Bobby Darin doing “Beyond the Sea,” with a happy wedding scene?  Their tiny dog jumps into the water, and sees the giant shark, which causes it to swim back.  The song keeps going!  What tone are they trying to set with this?  Because it sure as hell isn’t intimidating.  Not to mention, how big is this thing?  There are multiple shots that paint the size of this monster very differently.  The opening has it pretty damn big, but then we have shot after shot where the size seems to change, depending on what it’s going after.  In one scene, it’s so big that it looks like it can swallow a boat whole.  In another, it’s small enough to be having trouble with a submarine.  There are real discrepancies with the size of this creature who is supposed to be intimidating.  Though, after a while, you realize that it’s so big that it might as well be a kaiju and we can get Godzilla to fight it.  Would probably be a better movie.

All of this is besides the point.  This movie is basically Jaws, except the shark is WAY bigger, and WAY more fake.  Nothing about this is realistic.  It’s stupid.  The fact that the Internet has seen fit to give this so many likes hurts me inside.  Fuck this movie.

Initial Verdict:
A complete waste of time

Peace out,

Maverick

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Video Games are Fueling the Rise of the Far Right! Right? (A response to The Guardian)

I swore that I would never go after this publication again.  They officially became too low-hanging fruit after the article about how emojis are evil.  That was the point when I decided that they are so stupid that responding to them is a waste of what little intelligence I have.  But dammit, they make this so easy!  And now they are going after a hobby that is near and dear to my heart, saying that since the inception of video games, they are helping fuel right-wing ideologies.  This is so ridiculous.  When I saw this article being talked about, I had to make a response.  Here’s a link to the article, now let’s talk about it.

Gaming cultures are connected to violence – but should be considered in terms of the rise of far right political discourse and the prominence of “alt-right” misogyny and racism.

Oh boy, I am sure that you are going to find a very concise, totally not bullshit way of demonstrating this point of view.  I’m sure you are.  I’m sure that there won’t be any buzzword usage and emotional appeal slathered all over this crap.  Not even a little.  If there’s one thing the far-left and the far-right have in common, it’s bad argumentation.  I love them for it.

The white male supremacy in gaming has been discussed in the context of the harassment campaign Gamergate and via the link between Trump and gamer message board threads on the 4chan website.

So, where do we get started on why this is bullshit?  For starters, I am not going to go through all the madness that was #GamerGate and why you’re wrong.  I’m going to let the archived videos of Internet Aristocrat do it for me.

As for boards on 4chan being for Trump, so what?  People online talking about politics.  I’m sure that gaming has a connection there.  Like I said, bad argumentation is the cornerstone of The Guardian and their “news” coverage.

Games are ideological constructions which push a set of values on the user. Like television and film, they often support the ideologies of their context: in the Bush years, American games endorsed aggressive foreign policy; since Brexit, British games advocate isolationism or nostalgia for empire – and the prominence of anti-Islam games in the 2000s tells it all.

Wow.  Notice that they don’t list a single video game to back up their claims.  None.  It’s almost like the person who wrote this doesn’t actually play them.  Maybe they just studied up on Anita Sarkeesian’s old catalog of videos and didn’t actually do any real research.  Another cornerstone of The Guardian writing – bad research.

I wonder if I can think up some games that didn’t pander to the Bush doctrine.  Maybe games like Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater.  There, you have an American operative who is used by his government to kill his mentor/lover in order to get secrets that the Americans didn’t want to get out to them.  He was used and then, when he finds out how deep that well went, chose to disavow his loyalty to America and become a mercenary.  That was one example off the top of my head.  Idiot!

However, video games have at least two unique features compared to other media.

I can’t wait to hear this.

First, rightwing ideologies have been overrepresented and dominant throughout the history of video games. Although affected by context, video games have long focused on the expulsion of “aliens” (Space Invaders to XCOM), fear of impure infection (Half-Life to The Last of Us), border control (Missile Commander to Plants vs Zombies), territory acquisition (Command & Conquer to Splatoon), empire building (Civilization to Tropico), princess recovery (Mario to Zelda), and restoration of natural harmony (Sonic to FarmVille).

I’m dying!  This is so stupid!  Oh my Groj!  Why is this so dumb?!  Alright, let’s break this down.

First, it’s a right-wing ideology that when a hostile alien species invades your planet and is blowing everything up to fight back?  Really?  So would the left just lie down and let themselves be destroyed?  Is that what I’m to infer?  Notice I said a hostile race.  These creatures are openly killing people.  This isn’t aliens coming to Earth and then saying “hi, let’s make peace” and we just kill them.  It’s them coming and immediately attacking humanity and killing people.  Is the lesson here that this is a right-wing sentiment?  If so, I am REALLY confused as to what the left-wing approach is.

Next up, we have an “impure infection.”  The head-crabs in Half-Life are an alien life-form that takes over the bodies of people.  They are an actual infection.  Same with the Cordyceps in The Last of Us.  That infection is actually based on a real-life infection that happens in insects.  There are dozens of species of this fungus, all of which are tailored to one specific bug.  The concept of that game was that the infection jumped species and infected humanity.  Is it really a ring-wing ideology to fight back against this?  I ask again – what is the left-wing response to this sort of thing?  An infection is spreading out of control killing millions upon millions of people.  What is the left-wing response to such a thing?  Get in a circle and hold hands?

Then we come to border control.  Attacking this point is more about one of your examples than the merits, since at least this is something more associated with the right than the left.  How on Earth is Plants vs Zombies a referendum about border control?  It’s about stopping zombies from getting into the house and eating the brains of the denizens inside, dumbass!  I can already hear the snooty British retards who take this crap seriously responding – it’s about the unconscious implications associated with this that will tailor the minds of people to see it as people considered ugly not being allowed in your area.  Or, because we’re not in far-left fantasy land, it’s about plants stopping zombies from getting in the fucking house.  Ugh.

And we have “territory acquisition.”  This is another one where I’m more going to attack your examples than your point, even though the idea of expanding American territories is bafflingly stupid to call right-wing.  The right in this country (maybe you British idiots have this idea in the right since you used to be an empire) is very isolationist.  The libertarian dinguses want to get rid of all American military bases and only focus on America.  This is such a stupid point to make.  But back to the examples, what is Splatoon doing on there?  It’s a game about shooting ink because you’re a squid-person.  Where is the so-subtle-it-doesn’t-exist message in that?  This author is nine kinds of stupid.

What about “empire building?”  Once-again, this doesn’t at all tie into the American right-wing.  Not even a little.  You are so stupid it hurts.  Plus, games that allow you to create a fictional society and run it how you want to run it are about building empires?  This ties in to me thinking that you don’t actually play video games.  See, in Civilization, you can choose how you expand your empire.  You can be an empire that seeks peaceful cooperation, or violence.  It allows you to choose.  And Tropico doesn’t have you building an empire.  It has you as the leader of a Third World country that you have to make a better place.  Man, that is so right wing I can’t even believe it!  Your examples reek of the most blatant stupidity one can possibly imagine.  I’m sending this to you so you can hopefully learn something.

The one that really made me laugh is “princess recovery.”  This is a right-wing idea.  The idea that if a woman who you value (as in both examples provided it is clear that the main character does value the women they are respectively trying to save) is taken prisoner by an evil monster, you should save them is a right-wing idea.  What is the left-wing approach to this?  Be like “well, you kidnapped my significant other, guess that’s just how it goes.  Oh well”?  Some little bitch you must be.

Most baffingly of all – natural restoration.  Are you fucking kidding me?!  Restoring nature of a right-wing ideology?!  How?!  When was this?!  My whole life, I grew up hearing about how it’s the fucking hippy left that wants to restore nature.  Now we have this idiot talking about how restoring nature if a right-wing point of view.  I want an example of this.  I want to see some right-wing site trying to restore nature.  All the conservative idiots who say that climate change isn’t real and that we should be able to pollute as much as we want because Jeebus is coming back and Alfie dumbass Brown is telling me that the restoration of nature is a right-wing point of view.  Fucking idiot!

Second, video games put the user to work on an instinctual level, making the gamer feel impulsive agreement with these ideologies. Playing Resident Evil is not equivalent to watching the movie, because the controller-wielding gamer experiences the desires of the game as their own desires – not as the desires of another.

This is basically the Anita Sarkeesian argument – that because you play games, these secret, implicit things that they are nefariously conditioning you towards are going to hit you harder because it’s a video game.  A point of view without a SINGLE piece of scientific evidence for!  None!  There have been so many studies debunking this.  There was another study done just recently that was a long-term study having people play Grand Theft Auto V for months, then doing tests hours after the game sessions were done to test if they were more violent, and came back negative.  The only tests that have shown anything even remotely indicative of your perspective have come from tests that were done immediately after someone had gamed, when they are still running on endorphins from playing.  It’s ridiculous.  This is unproven bullshit that I am sure you are going to have some brilliant “evidence” for.

The psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan distinguished between “drives” and “instincts”. While instincts come from within us, drives occur when political forces propel us in certain directions. In these terms, video games are drives masquerading as instincts, naturalising rightwing ideologies in a way other media cannot by offering its users the chance to experience them on a personal level.

That’s nothing.  That was a nonsense, bullshit statement that basically exists to say “I’m smart!  Can’t you see what a smarty I am!”  It is basically just saying that video games are secretly nefarious for reasons that will never properly be defined.  When all evidence on the subject of video games influencing your personality goes against you, this guy has to say that it is so subliminal that you can’t even tell.  Almost like it doesn’t exist.

In this way, the rationale of gaming is to unite pleasurable impulse with political ideology, a process which renders gamers susceptible to discourses that urge people to follow their instincts while also prescribing what those instincts ought to be.

An opinion not proven, for a point of conjecture that is pure bullshit.  Yeah, this really is The Guardian’s MO.

In the 1960s, 70s and 80s, Hollywood cinema transformed the desires, empathies and emotions of a global population (even for those who never went to the movies), but it’s harder to recognise the pattern in your own context – and we may need to consider whether we are in the midst of a comparable revolution with video games today. Currently, the new desires incubated by games lean far to the right, and without more progressive games on the market (though some are emerging), the future may be even bleaker than the political present.

You have got to be kidding me.  This person is so stupid.  I love that I, an American, get to look down on a dumb-shit British person.  They are usually so pompous that they tend to be the other way around.  Hey Alfie, art imitates life, not the other way around.  I guess nobody told you that.  Or maybe you just watched Anita Sarkeesian’s videos and take all of her bullshit at face value.  Whatever the case may be, you’re wrong.  Demonstrably wrong.  The reason that the films in the 60’s-80’s reflected a change in the culture is because the culture was changing and Hollywood changed with it.  The hippy movement of the 60’s, which came to a crescendo in the 70’s left a lasting impact on cinema.  This was reflected when Hunter S Thompson wrote his masterpiece “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream,” which talked about how that hope and belief in the fight for change crashed down around those who fought when the decadence and decay of the 80’s swept in.  Read that book sometime.  It’s a great piece, from an author who saw the hope and decay very clearly.

Video games are the whipping boy of every cultural movement in the world.  The left and right use them to vilify people almost in equal measure.  It’s amazing.  These two ideologies should really join forces on their mutual hatred of a medium that has NEVER been proven to cause violence, sexism, or anything else.

Until next time, a quote,

“For every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.” – H.L. Mencken

Peace out,

Maverick

Mr. Smith Signs a Birth Certificate, by Lucien Maverick

*As read by Charles R Poindexter*

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Mr. Smith.
Mr. Smith was a man who liked to get the most out of life.
He did this by consuming copious amounts of alcohol.
Him and all his friends would drink and drink until all their jokes were funny and their bellies fat.

One day, he got so drunk that he made love to a very pretty woman.
At least he thought she was pretty.
The more he drank, the prettier she got!
It was a very good night.

A long time later, he got a piece of mail in his mailbox.
Heinous villains at Child Support told him that the woman he had made love to now had a baby.
What’s more, he was named the father.
Mr. Smith immediately went into action.

He called the Child Support villains, to right this wrong.
Told them that he was not the father of that baby.
Said there was no way it was him.
Lastly, that he wanted a paternity test.

But the EVIL Child Support customer service representative told him no.
Said that his name was on the child’s birth certificate.
And this meant that he would have to contest this in court.
Mr. Smith gasped!

Seeing the injustice, he informed the EVIL Child Support customer service representative that this was all wrong.
Told him that he was very drunk the night that he signed that birth certificate.
So drunk that he didn’t even remember doing so.
This meant that he couldn’t legally be responsible for what happened that fateful night.

After hearing his genuine honesty, the EVIL Child Support customer service representative told him that wasn’t true.
Said that it is a legally binding document, and only a court order could contest it now.
Mr. Smith was appalled!
He knew just what to do!

Once he had several swigs of his joyous drink, he filed a motion in court and got the judge to hear his case.
He told him of the injustice against him and how he wanted to put it right!
Why should he have to pay for a child that is not his!
The judge heard it all, and said back to him, “are you fucking kidding me?”

But Mr. Smith got his order to contest paternity!
He strolled into the EVIL Child Support office and got genetic testing
This cruel insult would not stand!  He would show these devils!
Maybe when he proves the baby is not his, he would sue these monsters for all the trouble!

Then the results came back positive, and Mr. Smith had an arrears balance of $2,000 and a monthly support amount of $200.
Mr. Smith decided that he needed consoling, so he went to the joyous bar for more joyous drink.
There was a pretty lady there.
In fact, the more he drank, the prettier she looked…

Until next time, a quote,

“Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb!” – South Park

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: Shithole Countries and the Tide Pod Challenge

I was born in and interesting time.  For starters, it was the end of the 90’s boom when I am coming up.  I’m 29 years old, and I got to see the 90’s end, with the great technological boom ending with it.  Now we have the post-recession economy.  The job market is dead.  This country is stagnating.  With the legalization of pan (whoever gets that without looking it up is my friend) there is a huge boom to incomes of various states, my own among them.  With Jeff Sessions saying he is going to crack down on the legal market, you have states looking to fight back because they don’t want to lose the revenue.  It’s not even a million dollar market anymore.  It’s going into the billions.  States are starting to catch on that the safest drug in the world can bring absurd amounts of money into their economies, and so they are stepping up to fight the federal government.  It’s inspiring stuff.

We also have the age of the Internet and of celebrity culture.  Because if some celebrity isn’t qualified to be a leader of the free world, who is?  I am of course talking about President Trump.  When I was watching the podcast I referenced before, and how they talked about Trump running, it’s amazing how the opinions changed over time.  People all saw his running as a joke that would play itself out.  But as the Democratic party rigged the primary against Sanders (thank you Donna Brazile for exposing that definitively), and the Republican candidates all being boring as dirt, his candidacy become a reality.  Then, because the Democrats chose to rig the primary for a corporate shill who bought them out (Hillary signed an agreement to have the DNC basically as an arm of her candidacy), and she couldn’t even get her nomination to be cheered without hiring people to come into the stadium to cheer.  No joke, look that up.  Hillary hired actual people to come in and cheer for her at the Democratic National Convention because she was booed constantly, even when Sanders tried to pimp her out.

Because Hillary was an idiot and just assumed that the Rust Belt states would support her and didn’t campaign there, and because she is a corporate tool, she lost the election to Trump.  The result?  We get a constant stream of interesting stuff.  Trump’s Twitter account is comedy gold.  I never get enough of it.  From the insanely immature spat he has going on with Kim Jong Un, to what a butthurt little bitch he is about every slight, this man is part of what I am assuming will be a string of Clown Town Presidents.  Hell, we even got Oprah coming in to throw her hat into the arena.  Makes all the liberals who castigated Trump as a reality TV star look really bad when they cheer on Oprah.

Yesterday he got in trouble for a comment where he asked why we would want immigrants from “shithole” countries.  Comedy gold.  But the thing that got my attention was the media’s reaction.  They said that calling these countries shitholes is racist.  I definitively disagree.  If he called the people of those countries something derogatory, then there’d be an argument.  And sure, the xenophobia of his immigrants part doesn’t make him look good.  But calling these countries shitholes is not racist.  I have nothing against the people of Haiti, Venezuela, and Kyrgyzstan, yet you wouldn’t find me caught dead visiting them.  It’s not a race thing to point out that a country is a festering pile of shit.  Don’t think this means I support Trump.  I just found that reaction interesting.

Next up, we got Internet culture.  I’ve been living on the Internet (because I have no life.  At all) for some time, and I’ve seen stupid shit that people promote come and go.  Most recently, it’s been the various “challenges.”  You had the ones that may have been nonsensical but at least did some good, like the Ice Bucket Challenge.  My favorite of those videos was Patrick Stewart taking ice from the bucket, putting it in a glass, pouring some scotch, and then writing a check.  That’s great.  Then there was the Cinnamon Challenge, where idiots tried to eat a spoonful of cinnamon for views.  Oh, and let’s not forget the Kyle Jenner contest where idiot girls tried to fatten their lips to insane degrees.

A new player has come to the arena of retarded things that our dumb-shit youth partake in because apparently common sense takes a backseat to Internet views.  That’s the world we live in today.  I talk of course of the Tide Pod Challenge.  A challenge where you ingest the contests of a Tide Pod.  People put them on pizzas, in cereal bowls, and then there are the real “winners” who decide to actually eat it.  That’s right, there are videos of these fucking moron teenagers putting them in their mouths and eating them.  Or at least until the permeable layer melts, then spitting it out because it tastes disgusting.  So far these challenges have claimed six lives.  I like to think of that as natural selection in action.  I know that evolution would gets another shot at giving humanity its just desserts.

I will never understand how people can be this dumb.  I may have liked dumb shit when I was a kid, but at no point can I imagine myself having ever been this stupid.  Ever.  To lack common sense or be willing to put your life in danger for something that ridiculous just makes no fucking sense to me.  Maybe one of you can explain this to me.  My hope is that ten years down the road, some of these kids get to look back and be like “Oh my Groj, what the fuck was wrong with me?”  That is if they don’t try the Run in Traffic Challenge next and die.  Just a thought…

Until next time, a quote,

“But let me tell you something, folks – you can’t fix stupid.  There’s not a pill you can take, not a class you can go to.  Stupid is forever.” – Ron White

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back Teaser

This is more of an indictment of the video game industry and what a joke it has all become lately.  This year’s E3 honestly isn’t interesting me all that much.  I mean, what are the big new things coming up?  A sequel to the shit-tastic Destiny that I couldn’t possibly care less about but everyone seems to think is just so amazing.  Nintendo has their latest Mario clone that is just the same as the others but this time with an open world.  Neat, I guess?  Kojima’s latest project isn’t going to show, but that doesn’t surprise me.  He’s already said that hoping for a release date in 2018 is not happening so don’t bother.  From Software has already told people not to start hoping for a Bloodborne sequel, but are saying they have something new that people who love that will just love!  I bet.  Everything is a sequel or a remake.  I’m just not that interesting.

Sure, The Last of Us: Part 2 may make an appearance.  That would be cool.  Especially if there is gameplay footage.  I am also hoping for a release date for Detroit: Become Human to make an appearance too, but part of me figures that will be asking too much.  Then people are saying “but what about the remake for Final Fantasy VII?!” Did everyone just forget that that game will be released episodically?  And Square Enix is charging a full-priced game amount for each episode?  Yeah, fuck that noise.  I’m not giving them a cent.  I am not paying $180 for AAA game.  Not happening.  I can get a gaming console for cheaper.  I am just not feeling the magic.

Trailers like this certainly don’t help.

Really?  I mean, really?!  You’re rebooting Bubsy?  Who the fuck asked for this?!  Really, what person anywhere actually asked for this to be a thing?!  With all the franchises that could use being brought into the 21st century.  Like Spyro, or Shantae, or a ton of the old Disney platformers (the remake of the Duck Tales game was awesome!), or any of the games on this list (shameless pandering!), Bubsy is the one we get?!  Let’s analyze this.

We have this annoying cat thing speaking, in a voice that makes me want to tear my ears out.  Not off to a good start, game.  It talks about how the world has all these problems.  Sure, I am down that that.  One of them is the fact that a game studio I am shocked didn’t die with you brought you back to life.  No joke, I genuinely am amazed that the company who brought us Bubsy 3D didn’t go tits-up when the game died on the funeral pyre that was its existence.  But then it decides to tell us that we can ignore all that shit and instead focus on Bubsy!  Oh boy!  We then get to see some generic platforming.  Oh boy.  That sure does look like every other generic platformer that I have ever seen without a single thing that catches my interest.

The reality is that this game looks mediocre.  With all the great 2D characters who could be brought back to life like Gex or Shantae or Earthworm Jim or even Spyro, this is the loser that this company actually wanted to unearth from the gaming graveyard?  I will never understand.  If gaming is becoming another version of Hollywood, I fear for its future.  For real, I do.

Initial Verdict
5 out of 10 – Boring

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Metal Gear Survive: Official Trailer

I heard a while back that Konami is trying to get gamers to forgive them for the stupid bullshit they have done, such as how they treated Kojima, how they cut so much from Metal Gears Solid V: The Phantom Pain, and worst of all, for how they basically atom-bombed PT and the game it was connected to.  I have no intention of forgiving them.  That company is dead, to me.  But as a means of extending an olive branch, they are releasing a new Metal Gear game.  And…let’s just watch this.  Just watch the disappointment bathe you.  It’s so stupid.

Yeah, I’m going to go outside and smack my head into a pole for a few minutes.  Maybe then this retardedness will make some kind of sense.

So, we have Snake and Miller abandoning the original Mother Base as it blows up.  We then see this dude in the wreckage who I guess is just thinking about how fucked he is.  But some portal in the sky opens and he gets sucked in…the longer I talk about this plot, the more ashamed I am of it.  He ends up whatever world, and is immediately set upon by zombies.  Zombies with rocks sticking out of their heads.  I need to smack my head into the pole more.  This level of retarded is beyond comprehension.  We get more Mother Base people, and they’re all badass, I guess.  And it looks like the goal is to get into the remains of Mother Base that came through the portal with them.  You know what, I’m done.  Talking about the plot that I’ve seen just makes me sad.

What the fuck, Konami?  Seriously, what could have possibly compelled you to have THIS be your olive branch to gamers?!  I’m honestly trying to figure out the rationale behind this.  If you all remember those memes where you have the guy pitching something, and the first two people are complete yes-men/women who basically kiss this person’s ass, and the last guy has some negative opinion, which ends up having him get thrown out the window.  Is that literally what happened here?  It must.  There’s no way that somebody at that office meeting wasn’t like, “Yeah, let’s not do this.  This is stupid.  We’re literally creating a generic zombie shooter and slapping the Metal Gear logo onto it.”  To that guy, I feel for ya.  Sorry you had to get thrown out of a window and die for this.

This game is stupid!  There’s nothing else I can possibly say.  It’s the stupidest thing I have ever seen.  For his review of Twilight, The Distressed Watcher had to make up a word to describe how stupid the scene of the dude running up the tree was.  The word is – stupiditarded.  That’s what this is.  It’s stupiditarded.  It’s a cash-grab in EVERY sense of the word.  It’s garbage that is being made by people who have shown themselves to give so little of a shit about their own brands that they’ll slap the name on anything.  Even the most ridiculous zombie game idea ever made.

If you play this, you’re dumb.  If you defend this, you are stupid beyond reason.  I have no words.  Now I’m done with this trash.

Initial Verdict
2 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

I couldn’t believe it when I saw this on my Facebook page – this is still a thing!  This franchise of films still exist!  I’m in awe!  Who still watches this crap?  I honestly don’t know, but I wish I did know.  Why?  Because this is just tops.  A series of movies that have gotten worse and worse, now into the territory of so bad they’re good.  Once this is over, I have already hit up a friend to have a bad movie night marathon with them.  It’s gonna be great!  Pizza, booze (or weed.  It’s legal in my state, suckers!), and friends watching terrible movies.  It’s gonna be awesome.

But it seems that the franchise is coming to an end.  The preview for the final film has come out, and I am so unbelievably-stoked.  It’s gonna be stupid, in a huge way, but awesome.  Let’s sit down and watch this trailer for the final part of the franchise.

I am in love with this trailer.  These films have become self-aware.  It opens with a rock song, implying that if you are taking any of this seriously, then you’re doing something wrong.  We have our over-powered super-heroine who is basically invincible now returning to the ruins of Racoon City to try and stop this with the help of the Red Queen.  Whatever.  The plot of these films is just as retarded as the games, so I don’t honestly care.  The music comes back to tell me not to take it seriously anyway, so yeah.  This is just so great.

We get some mindless action against monsters that are all so ridiculous.  Then there’s some stuff against human enemies who are pretty much just goons.  Why are the people even bothering to fight Alice at this point?  Humanity is dead.  There’s nothing left?  Oh, right, I’m caring about the plot.  Bad Maverick!  Don’t do that!

Here are the highlights.  We have Alice shooting goons and swinging from a rope.  Why?  Because the film can.  We have a vehicle that has miniguns attaching shooting at Alice.  Why?  Because the film can.  We have a three-barreled shotgun.  Why?  Because the film fucking can!  We have a dragon zombie!  A fucking dragon zombie!  Why?!  Because this film basically says “fuck it!  You don’t give a fuck about anything approaching normal in these movies!  Just watch it and enjoy how stupid it is!”  For those who are about to say that I’m ignoring the zombie dinosaur in RE6, don’t.  I’m aware that the games are no better in this regard.

Then we get the iconic laser scene from the first film.  It was the only time that I actually felt tension in that film.  You had characters getting legitimately injured in that scene.  Here?  Well, it’s Alice.  She’s basically a god. And the trailer ends on Movie Wesker being Alice’s bitch, because of course he is.  Oh, and she’s shooting a monster with two-barreled pistols.  Why?  Because this movie has no fucks to give about anything approaching sense.  I love it!

To be clear, this film is going to be a retarded mess of garbage cinematography, acting, and plot.  So my Initial Verdict won’t make sense too people.  But I know for a fact that I’m going to enjoy how utterly-retarded these movies are.  I hope you all do too.

Initial Verdict
2 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick