Lucien’s First Take: Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back Teaser

This is more of an indictment of the video game industry and what a joke it has all become lately.  This year’s E3 honestly isn’t interesting me all that much.  I mean, what are the big new things coming up?  A sequel to the shit-tastic Destiny that I couldn’t possibly care less about but everyone seems to think is just so amazing.  Nintendo has their latest Mario clone that is just the same as the others but this time with an open world.  Neat, I guess?  Kojima’s latest project isn’t going to show, but that doesn’t surprise me.  He’s already said that hoping for a release date in 2018 is not happening so don’t bother.  From Software has already told people not to start hoping for a Bloodborne sequel, but are saying they have something new that people who love that will just love!  I bet.  Everything is a sequel or a remake.  I’m just not that interesting.

Sure, The Last of Us: Part 2 may make an appearance.  That would be cool.  Especially if there is gameplay footage.  I am also hoping for a release date for Detroit: Become Human to make an appearance too, but part of me figures that will be asking too much.  Then people are saying “but what about the remake for Final Fantasy VII?!” Did everyone just forget that that game will be released episodically?  And Square Enix is charging a full-priced game amount for each episode?  Yeah, fuck that noise.  I’m not giving them a cent.  I am not paying $180 for AAA game.  Not happening.  I can get a gaming console for cheaper.  I am just not feeling the magic.

Trailers like this certainly don’t help.

Really?  I mean, really?!  You’re rebooting Bubsy?  Who the fuck asked for this?!  Really, what person anywhere actually asked for this to be a thing?!  With all the franchises that could use being brought into the 21st century.  Like Spyro, or Shantae, or a ton of the old Disney platformers (the remake of the Duck Tales game was awesome!), or any of the games on this list (shameless pandering!), Bubsy is the one we get?!  Let’s analyze this.

We have this annoying cat thing speaking, in a voice that makes me want to tear my ears out.  Not off to a good start, game.  It talks about how the world has all these problems.  Sure, I am down that that.  One of them is the fact that a game studio I am shocked didn’t die with you brought you back to life.  No joke, I genuinely am amazed that the company who brought us Bubsy 3D didn’t go tits-up when the game died on the funeral pyre that was its existence.  But then it decides to tell us that we can ignore all that shit and instead focus on Bubsy!  Oh boy!  We then get to see some generic platforming.  Oh boy.  That sure does look like every other generic platformer that I have ever seen without a single thing that catches my interest.

The reality is that this game looks mediocre.  With all the great 2D characters who could be brought back to life like Gex or Shantae or Earthworm Jim or even Spyro, this is the loser that this company actually wanted to unearth from the gaming graveyard?  I will never understand.  If gaming is becoming another version of Hollywood, I fear for its future.  For real, I do.

Initial Verdict
5 out of 10 – Boring

Peace out,

Maverick

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Lucien’s First Take: Metal Gear Survive: Official Trailer

I heard a while back that Konami is trying to get gamers to forgive them for the stupid bullshit they have done, such as how they treated Kojima, how they cut so much from Metal Gears Solid V: The Phantom Pain, and worst of all, for how they basically atom-bombed PT and the game it was connected to.  I have no intention of forgiving them.  That company is dead, to me.  But as a means of extending an olive branch, they are releasing a new Metal Gear game.  And…let’s just watch this.  Just watch the disappointment bathe you.  It’s so stupid.

Yeah, I’m going to go outside and smack my head into a pole for a few minutes.  Maybe then this retardedness will make some kind of sense.

So, we have Snake and Miller abandoning the original Mother Base as it blows up.  We then see this dude in the wreckage who I guess is just thinking about how fucked he is.  But some portal in the sky opens and he gets sucked in…the longer I talk about this plot, the more ashamed I am of it.  He ends up whatever world, and is immediately set upon by zombies.  Zombies with rocks sticking out of their heads.  I need to smack my head into the pole more.  This level of retarded is beyond comprehension.  We get more Mother Base people, and they’re all badass, I guess.  And it looks like the goal is to get into the remains of Mother Base that came through the portal with them.  You know what, I’m done.  Talking about the plot that I’ve seen just makes me sad.

What the fuck, Konami?  Seriously, what could have possibly compelled you to have THIS be your olive branch to gamers?!  I’m honestly trying to figure out the rationale behind this.  If you all remember those memes where you have the guy pitching something, and the first two people are complete yes-men/women who basically kiss this person’s ass, and the last guy has some negative opinion, which ends up having him get thrown out the window.  Is that literally what happened here?  It must.  There’s no way that somebody at that office meeting wasn’t like, “Yeah, let’s not do this.  This is stupid.  We’re literally creating a generic zombie shooter and slapping the Metal Gear logo onto it.”  To that guy, I feel for ya.  Sorry you had to get thrown out of a window and die for this.

This game is stupid!  There’s nothing else I can possibly say.  It’s the stupidest thing I have ever seen.  For his review of Twilight, The Distressed Watcher had to make up a word to describe how stupid the scene of the dude running up the tree was.  The word is – stupiditarded.  That’s what this is.  It’s stupiditarded.  It’s a cash-grab in EVERY sense of the word.  It’s garbage that is being made by people who have shown themselves to give so little of a shit about their own brands that they’ll slap the name on anything.  Even the most ridiculous zombie game idea ever made.

If you play this, you’re dumb.  If you defend this, you are stupid beyond reason.  I have no words.  Now I’m done with this trash.

Initial Verdict
2 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

I couldn’t believe it when I saw this on my Facebook page – this is still a thing!  This franchise of films still exist!  I’m in awe!  Who still watches this crap?  I honestly don’t know, but I wish I did know.  Why?  Because this is just tops.  A series of movies that have gotten worse and worse, now into the territory of so bad they’re good.  Once this is over, I have already hit up a friend to have a bad movie night marathon with them.  It’s gonna be great!  Pizza, booze (or weed.  It’s legal in my state, suckers!), and friends watching terrible movies.  It’s gonna be awesome.

But it seems that the franchise is coming to an end.  The preview for the final film has come out, and I am so unbelievably-stoked.  It’s gonna be stupid, in a huge way, but awesome.  Let’s sit down and watch this trailer for the final part of the franchise.

I am in love with this trailer.  These films have become self-aware.  It opens with a rock song, implying that if you are taking any of this seriously, then you’re doing something wrong.  We have our over-powered super-heroine who is basically invincible now returning to the ruins of Racoon City to try and stop this with the help of the Red Queen.  Whatever.  The plot of these films is just as retarded as the games, so I don’t honestly care.  The music comes back to tell me not to take it seriously anyway, so yeah.  This is just so great.

We get some mindless action against monsters that are all so ridiculous.  Then there’s some stuff against human enemies who are pretty much just goons.  Why are the people even bothering to fight Alice at this point?  Humanity is dead.  There’s nothing left?  Oh, right, I’m caring about the plot.  Bad Maverick!  Don’t do that!

Here are the highlights.  We have Alice shooting goons and swinging from a rope.  Why?  Because the film can.  We have a vehicle that has miniguns attaching shooting at Alice.  Why?  Because the film can.  We have a three-barreled shotgun.  Why?  Because the film fucking can!  We have a dragon zombie!  A fucking dragon zombie!  Why?!  Because this film basically says “fuck it!  You don’t give a fuck about anything approaching normal in these movies!  Just watch it and enjoy how stupid it is!”  For those who are about to say that I’m ignoring the zombie dinosaur in RE6, don’t.  I’m aware that the games are no better in this regard.

Then we get the iconic laser scene from the first film.  It was the only time that I actually felt tension in that film.  You had characters getting legitimately injured in that scene.  Here?  Well, it’s Alice.  She’s basically a god. And the trailer ends on Movie Wesker being Alice’s bitch, because of course he is.  Oh, and she’s shooting a monster with two-barreled pistols.  Why?  Because this movie has no fucks to give about anything approaching sense.  I love it!

To be clear, this film is going to be a retarded mess of garbage cinematography, acting, and plot.  So my Initial Verdict won’t make sense too people.  But I know for a fact that I’m going to enjoy how utterly-retarded these movies are.  I hope you all do too.

Initial Verdict
2 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: Final Fantasy XV Season Pass

Again?!  Again, Square Enix?!  Groj is this frustrating.  It’s like this company goes out of its way to make me hate them.  You think I want this?  You think I want to hate this company for the stupid practices that it does?  Well you’d be wrong!  I want to like this company.  Hell, I want to love them.  Some of my favorite games have come from them.  There’s the awesomeness that is Final Fantasy X and the fun and nostalgia of the Kingdom Hearts games (even if the plot of those games has become convoluted beyond reason).  I grew up with this company.  It genuinely pains me to see what they’ve become.  Probably the last bastion of old-school Japanese gaming.  But they just keep doing stupid thing after stupid thing.

What’s that, you may ask?  They are releasing another unfinished game that you have to pay $25 in order to get the finished version.  Unbelievable.  I am SO sick of companies doing this!  So many companies are releasing games that you have to pay even more money in order get finished.  There are six slated DLC packs that you can get if you just shell out even more money.  And I get the feeling that it isn’t meaningful DLC.  It’ll probably be another instance of Batman: Arkham Knight.  Just a bunch of add-on nonsense that there is NO reason that it couldn’t be in the main game.

I don’t get why this company is making things so difficult for itself.  They’re releasing the remake of Final Fantasy VII in episodes.  Making it so that I’m not going to buy it until its done and then I can get it on sale.  Because I’m not buying an unfinished game!  It’s bullshit that they expect me to have to do that.  I never did and never will buy Hitman because they released that in episodes, and you have to have an online connection to play.  Not only did they do this episodic nonsense, but also having DRM!  I have to wait until December to play Rise of the Tomb Raider because these ass-clowns had to make some stupid deal with Microsoft for a timed exclusive.  These are not smart decision, Square Enix!  This is corporate bullshit to cash grab!  What happened to your company?  I remember the days when you were among the most respected publishers in gaming.  Now you desperately need Final Fantasy XV to be a success to keep your company afloat.

Well, I’m not buying your season pass.  I refuse.  If you can’t release a finished game, then I’m not going to buy it.  It’s as simple as that.  Don’t release unfinished games.  Is your company so hard up for cash that you have to do this to stay afloat?  I’ve mused about this fact before.  Are game developers so strapped for cash that gimmicks like this are the only way that they can break even?  Is game development that expensive now?  No, I don’t think so.  I think you’re just pulling the same shit that EA and Ubisoft get away with because you want to rake in that kind of cash.  Well, those two companies are now maligned.  I won’t be playing another EA game again.  Screw the new Mass Effect. I want NOTHING to do with it.  Everything I’ve heard about how Bioware is bleeding talent as the people who made that company great are jumping ship tells me that this new game was be an underwhelming mess.  Not to mention, one of the lead directors is an asshole with a “White Tears” mug that he is very proud of.  Fuck that guy.  If Ubisoft can maybe stop milking their franchises and go back to what made ones like Assassin’s Creed great, then I might give them another chance.

I don’t want you to join that pedigree, Square Enix.  I grew up with you.  Games from back when you were truly great are among my favorite of all time.  Don’t follow this path.  Please.  Can you do that?

Until next time, a quote,

“The worst thing about the fall from grace is that the point of impact is usually your ego.” – Susan Gale

Peace out,

Maverick

Let’s Answer 20 Questions Black People (Not of BuzzFeed) Have for White People

I did a post some time ago answering the black people of BuzzFeed’s questions for Strawman Whitey.  No, it seems that another group has come up and decided that they are going to ask the REAL questions that BuzzFeed should have asked.  Oh, I’m sure this is going to be all kinds of interesting.  Well, in keeping with tradition, I decided that I’m going to answer those questions.  Here’s a link to the video that these came from, now let’s get going.

Be honest – you hate black people.  Don’t you?

Assertion without even the vaguest idea of what evidence is.  No, bitch.  But I have a problem with you for asserting that I hate black people for reasons unknown.  Yeah, you I have a definite problem with.

White people – do you know what gentrification is doing to black neighborhoods?

The buying up of shitty homes and renovating them?  I don’t know.  Making them look better?  I figure this goes with that whole “broken windows theory.”  The idea being if they make the neighborhoods look nice, then they won’t be so crime-ridden.  The success of that theory has been somewhat lacking for some times.  So, I’m guessing that your belief is that gentrification is much the same.

Do you have ANY idea?

Just answered that.

Why is being a former drug dealer a bad thing?

It isn’t.  Not to me, anyway.  I think that we need to end the drug war and legalize all narcotics.  The whole shebang.  We can’t end it by keeping things illegal, so we might as well just legalize and tax it.  Then we can take drugs off the street and make it a multi-billion dollar market in this country.  Here’s a great video that explains why that’s going to happen.  Eventually.

So there’s that.  As for people who are former drug dealers, I got no beef with them.  Methinks you have assumptions about how us honkies think.

But being a former slave owner – totally okay, white America?

Who are you talking about?  I’ve never owned a slave.  Neither have my parents.  Or my grandparents.  Or may great grand-parents.  Slavery ended over 150 years ago.  Time to move on.  I won’t be shamed because fore-fathers who no one in three generations have living memory of did some stuff that was uncool.

Do you honestly think the structure of America is NOT based on racism?

Yeah.  The problem is that there are people who are racist out there.  I’m sure you’re going to bring up cops.  Yeah, there are plenty of racist cops.  But here’s the thing – look what it takes to be a police officer in this country.  It’s pretty much – show up, be given a gun, a badge, and virtually no oversight.  What kind of person do you think is going to want that kind of job?  Thugs.  For the most part.  There are cops who just want to help people.  That’s something that gets lost in all these Black Lives Matter yelling contests.  But it can’t be denied that the majority of people this job appeals to are those who want to have the power to exert over others.  It’s like the military, in that regard.  You have those who want to help, and those who want to hurt.

You all want equality of outcome.  I want equality of opportunity.  While there are some holdouts in places, I’d say that that objective has been achieved.  It’s up to you to decide what you do with that.  You could work to get ahead, or you could go on YouTube and bitch about how hard you, a clearly upper-middle class person, have it.

Do you really think you discovered America?

Nope.  Neither did you.  Neither did anyone in our generation.  The people who discovered America are so far removed from us now that this question is beyond retarded.

Do you really think it’s yours?

It’s land.  The American government owns this land.  I pay taxes to that government.  So yeah, in part, I do think that I have some ownership of it.  The hospital that I walk through every day, tax dollars help pay for that.  The university I went to, my tax dollars help make that possible.  The land that my grandparents generation homesteaded on, they worked hard to make that land their own.  So yeah, I do think that this is partly mine.

When I’m upset, I’m an angry black man, Or woman! (they interjected)  When you’re upset, you’re just upset.  Aren’t you an angry white man?

Nope.  I’m just an angry asshole.  And you’re an angry idiot.  See, I’m going to remove your race from the equation and just make it about how dumb you are.  As a person.  I’m nice like that.

Why isn’t racism illegal?

Because that’s thought policing.  We can’t tell people how to think.  That’s fascism.  People are allowed to think the way they want, and you are free to disagree with them.  That’s how an open and fair society works.  Sometimes that means that the assholes get to have mean opinions.  But I’d rather have that in society than lock-step.  Those differing opinions are important.  It means that we can talk and have a discourse.  Well, at least I wish I could.  The day an SJW comes to me and wants to have a civil discourse is the day that Hell freezes over.

Why is gaining the black vote so important, but mass incarceration of black people isn’t?

Actually, I’ve argued many times against this country’s draconian prison sentencing.  We send people to prison for nothing.  One of the reasons that I want to end the drug war is so we can help empty this country’s prisons.  Then we can have prisons that could actually potentially help rehabilitate people who can be, instead of becoming breeding grounds for new crime.  But even without ending the drug war, this idea that we send people to prison for non-violent offenses is ridiculous.  That needs to change.  Stop trying to assume that you know how I think.

Why are all of ya’ll afraid of black people?

I’m not.  I’m just as apathetic about black people as I am about most anyone else.

What are you going to do about systematic racism?

Nothing.  It’s a non-issue that has been blown out of proportion by race-baiters like Black Lives Matter.

Why must you own ALL the media outlets?

Assume, much?  I don’t own shit!  I own this blog.  Well, at least I am allowed to use it through WordPress.  Don’t know who owns WordPress.  If you want media outlets, then get to work building them.  Good luck.  It’s a tough market out there, these days.  I wish you luck.

Why does EVERY race qualify for reparations except black people?

I don’t want to give reparations to anyone.  For real, what’s done is done.  Move on.  I’m so tired of you all pretending like you, your parents, or your grandparents know the first thing about slavery, when you live in the First World.  You have the kind of life that kings of old would kill for. Stop your bitching.

A long time ago, really not that long ago, you all prevented black people from learning how to read and write.  But, why did you let them keep a bible?

Because religion has been a HUGE part of this country’s heritage since its inception.  Part of me thinks that Stephen Fry has a point when he says that we need to just get rid of the separation of church and state.  It’s so clearly entangled anyway, so why not just own that?  Then we can start taxing the churches.  We already subsidize them with tax dollars.  We might as well make it official.

White people, historically, you’ve never liked black people.

Assume much, bitch?

But why do you take black people’s money?

If I had a business that I ran, I’d take whoever’s money.  I don’t care what your race is.  If I run a business, I want the most money.  Whoever wants my products, I’ll take what I can get from them.

What does colonization mean to you?

Nothing.

You do know crack and cocaine are drugs, right?

Can you find out why Bill Clinton thinks that one should carry a harsher sentence than the other?

Voting polls have shown that black people support Shillary far more than they did Bernie.  You all go ask.

When are you going to arrest Governor Snyder?

No idea.  Don’t have the authority.

So, when we talk about slavery, why are you uncomfortable?

I’m not.  I’m annoyed.  Just like when people talk about 9/11.  It’s over and done.  Seriously, people need to get over it already.

Why do you want to adopt the “fun part” of black culture, but not that true lifestyle of black Americans?

You think that I want to be anything like you smug assholes?  That’s cute.

I gotta know – why do you wear shorts in the wintertime?

It’s comfortable.  Though, I only wear them around my house.  So there’s that.

Well, that was nice and retarded.  Hopefully you all could learn something from that engagement.  Just waiting for the person to come into the Comments and be like, “yeah, that’s you’re an asshole and a racist!”  Whatever makes you feel better, snowflake.

Until next time, a quote,

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of non-pharmaceutical narcotics.  It is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”  – John W. Gardner

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Assassin’s Creed – Trailer World Premiere

You know what sucks – movies made about video games.  For reasons that are utterly-unknown, video games seem impossible to translate well to film.  This is weird, considering the fact that they are continually taking notes from Hollywood blockbusters.  One could probably write a book about why it is that movies and video games seem impossible to mix.  There isn’t a single video game film that’s good.  Not one.  Just look at the new Ratchet and Clank movie.  That film is incredibly-well animated, and nobody is seeing it.  Nobody.  Angry Joe did a video where he went to see it not long after it premiered and the theater was practically empty.

Here’s my take – films based on video games miss the central things that make the games great in the first place.  I don’t know if it has gone anywhere, but when I heard about the making a movie based on The Last of Us, I could already see the flaw in that premise.  The biggest one being that the movie would end up having to be crunched in, so all the ways that the game showed passage of time would be lost.  Next up, nobody can replace Troy Baker and Ashley Johnson as Joel and Ellie, respectively.

The film based on the Prince of Persia series took all the puzzle-solving and the quiet world-building and turned it into a Bay-tastic blockbuster.  Remember how well that worked?  No?  Well, since virtually nobody saw it, you’re not alone.

That’s how every video game movie works. Now we have one that’s based on the original Assassin’s Creed.  Oh boy.  Let’s see what this looks like…

Okay…what the hell is this?  Because it isn’t Assassin’s Creed.  I can tell you that much.  For starters, who is this main character?  It isn’t Desmond Miles.  This is some random criminal who was supposed to have been executed.  O-kay.

Next up, what is this retardedness with the Animus?  Last I checked, in the original game, it wasn’t some giant, ridiculously-elaborate contraption.  It was just a machine that you laid in and it integrated with your mind.  What is this stupid bullshit?  Why does this video have so many likes?!  Oh, right, the standard retarded American movie public.  Never mind.

We find out that this isn’t based on when the original game took place.  I’ll give this much – the Spanish Inquisition is a neat time period.  I honestly wish one of the games had done this.  You know, back when the games were cool.  Not now.  I have heard that Ubisoft is taking a break for a couple years, to help ruminate a new idea around the zeitgeist.  That could be good for the franchise.  So the setting is neat.  But then we get this STUPID rap breakdown.  Oh man, get ready!  We got some badassness coming in! *see sarcasm*  Whatever seriousness this movie was aiming for was utterly destroyed by this STUPID rap breakdown.  Not even kidding, I feel sorry for this movie.  That’s saying something..  A lot of something.

The rest of the trailer just devolves into more action nonsense, with some parkouring just to remind us that the game exists.  We have characters who I couldn’t care less about, and this game is basically just coming right out and telling us that these “Assassins” are nothing like the original game counterparts who are supposed to be able to work quietly and efficiently.  Here we just have super-badass thugs who bust in like Batman to tear a place up.  I guess we can add this trailer on to the pile of video game movies that missed the point of their source material.  The games were originally about going to different time periods, getting to see various cultures, and learn the untold history of the world.  But I guess this movie can’t be bothered to be that intelligent.  This looks retarded, but I am going to forget about this movie in a year or two.  Won’t even Netflix it.  Kills me that you had to waste Michael Fassbender’s talent to make this.

Initial Verdict
5 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Young Conker Hololens (Bullshit)

Conker’s Bad Fur Day is one of the greatest games for the N64.  You have this foul-mouthed squirrel committing bizarre, weird genocide in this huge little world where he’s all cute and cuddly, then vulgar and disgusting.  It’s a fantastic concept.  It was one of the most underrated games of its time.  There was a pretty cool remake that added some even more grisly stuff on with Live and Reloaded, but it wasn’t the original.  For one thing, they edited out a lot of the swearing.  That’s not cool.  Anyway, still so much fun.  I find out that Microsoft is making another game, only this time…it’s for the Hololens?  You mean that stupid product where it’s supposed to be like some holographic projection in your home, but the viewscreen is so tiny that it’s worthless?  Another of these stupid VR gimmicks that are going to last a year and then die?  Let’s see the damage…

There’s only one way that I can possibly respond to this in a way that makes sense.

Microsoft, what the fuck are you thinking?!  What the fuck was that?  What the fuck did I just bear witness to?!  I just got to see a stupid-ass video where Conker is turned into some mute bumbling idiot that you get to watch as it does random shit.  What the fuck is this?!  I am speechless.  Literally speechless.  I have lost the ability to describe how stupid the product that I just witnessed is.

Do you just want to shit all over your franchises now?  The stupid VR thing isn’t bad enough?  This is going to be the Kinect all over again!  You are going to take a product that could have been cool and then give it nothing but stupid bullshit that will eventually just lead people to want nothing to do with it.  It’s a good thing that you have so much else going for you.  Watching this, I can’t help but have the same thought that I have had about VR for another companies – who wants to game this way?  Who wants to game with a giant box on their head?  Yeah, when I get home from a long day at work, I want to put a giant, heavy box on my head to play video games.  Boy, and here I thought that I’d pick up a controller and then just turn on the TV and game.  But nope!  Now I can wear a huge device instead!  That’s so much better!

This “game” just took a steaming shit all over Conker and the license associated with him.  They took what should have been an awesome game and basically made it into some stupid crap that ties in to some worthless new product they have.  What has this company done to Rare?  First Perfect Dark, then Banjo Kazooie, and now Conker?  I despise this company so much.  This is why I have a PS4.  Because it is abundantly clear that Microsoft doesn’t give two fucks about their audience, and just wants to appeal to…you know, I honestly don’t know who this is supposed to appeal to.  Little kids?  Stupid people?  Stupid kids?  I don’t know.  And maybe that’s for the best.  Fuck this product.  Let me know what you all think in the Comments.

Initial Verdict
0 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick