Hell House: the Funniest Documentary I’ve Seen in a Long Time

I am starting to wonder what the reaction to this documentary was supposed to be.  I heard about this from a YouTube vlogger called Dusty Smith, who has the Cult of Dusty YouTube channel.  His review was brief, and it was very fun.  But as for me, I am going to elaborate a bit more, because I thought this was the funniest piece of Christian propaganda that I have ever seen.  For real, if this is what Christians think is scary, then they are dumb beyond any and all reason.  I haven’t laughed this much in a long time.  I hope you will to.

So, the name of this documentary is “Hell House.”  It tells the story of a haunted house, put on by the Trinity Church, in Cedar Hill, Texas.  And man, these people really got a slick business going on.  See, they sell thousands of tickets to this thing, every year.  Now, I should say, up-front, that the makers of this documentary played it straight with this production.  They took no side here.  There is no narration.  They simply captured this event, and then put it out for us to see.  And mock to death, because it’s the stupidest fucking thing ever.  And of course, like most stupid things in America, it had to come from a Christian organization.  See, Trinity Church is a Pentecostal church, so as you can imagine, they take a very hardcore view of the Bible and sin.  And, like most Christian groups in Texas, they want to “put the fear of god in them sinners!”  Good luck doing that here!

Here’s how it works – they take a bunch of kids, usually about 40 at a time, and they take them through various themed rooms, for them to see what the lives of a bunch of sinners is like.  In one room, there is a fat kid, who isn’t doing too well at a test.  He gets picked on and called retarded.  So, he whips out a gun (and I was wishing he would kill all the kids.  Sigh…) and then blows his brains out.  Naturally, since he committed suicide, he goes to Hell.  How many Christians was it said that Amanda Todd’s death was a tragedy?  Bleeding hypocrites.

Then, there is a skit where a redneck guy, who looks like he would be a wife-beater anyway, reads an email that tells him that his wife is cheating on him.  Naturally, this leads to, instead of asking her if this is true, or having a reaction like being sad (because emoting would be WAY too hard for the people doing these skits.  For real, the emotional levels in this are staggeringly and hilariously bad), he decides to up and choke the bitch.  Naturally, when he dies, he goes to Hell.  Snap, how many Christians were commanded by God to murder, and then take the virgin daughters of their victims as their fuck-slaves?  Well, this is Christianity, after all.  Contradiction is nothing new.  They live and breathe on their religion not making a lick of sense.  That’s how the mind of the dumb works.

Another skit has a girl.  She is at this rave, and gets all kinds of fucked-up on drugs.  This guy comes up and just puts something in her drink and then shoves it down her throat.  Yeah, because girls are totally okay with guys just shoving things down their throat, right?  (I swear to non-existent God, I am going to punch the first guy in the vag who makes a joke about cock) But yeah, after shoving the drink down her throat, she is totally miserable, because she got gang-raped by all these guys, and decides that the next logical solution is to kill herself.  Yes, because no woman ever has survived the experience of rape and come out stronger, right?  No, obviously, ladies, if you get raped, you are going to kill yourself.  You won’t be able to live with it.  Lies.  Anyway, she kills herself, so naturally, she goes to Hell.  Yeah, heaven-forbid that God’s Kevorkian actually show a little mercy on her.  No, instead, since to these people, God is a vengeful piece of shit (as per the Old Testament, where he was just that), he decides that she should pay for being emotionally traumatized.  By the way, this girl’s “breakdown” was hysterical.  This acting was so bad, I’ve seen middle school plays that put this shit to shame.  But to her character’s credit, she was hot.

Then, we go to a hospital, where a man is dying of AIDS.  He got AIDS because he’s gay, and in this “haunted house”‘s universe, all gay men have AIDS.  Yeah, because no straight person has ever contracted HIV from being a dumb mother-fucker and not using a condom, right?  Gee, if that were the case, then what is with that massive epidemic of AIDS in Africa?  Are all the men and women there just deciding not to be gay and lesbians for a night and having sex?  Or maybe it has something to do with the lack of contraception, thanks to all the lovely Catholic and other religious groups’ lies.  Gotta love you people!  Anyway, this guy dies, and then, because he’s gay, and according to God, being gay is a sin, he goes to Hell.

But after this skit, there is the most hilariously bad bit of misinformation in this entire place.  There has been a lot of bullshit spewed here, but this was simply amazing.  After the scene with the gay guy’s death, a girl is brought into the hospital.  See, her vag exploded after she took the morning-after pill.  Let me say that again – her VAG exploded because she took the morning-after pill!  According to this haunted house, if you take the morning-after pill, your vagina will explode.  I have a challenge to any Christians stupid enough to buy this – provide me one, ONE, piece of evidence to support this.  This is the stupidest thing ever!  The morning-after pill works by preventing sperm from fertilizing the egg.  It doesn’t make an abortion happen, you stupid Christian zealots!  And the acting of this girl was just awesome.  I really bought how pained she was by this.  After all, it was so accurate, right?  Naturally, she bleeds to death and goes to Hell.

This little train-wreck of a performance then decides to finally take us all to Hell, and show us what horrible tortures these kids are going through.  They have this guy, who looks like an even more emo (and not nearly as cool) version of The Crow.  He talks about how all these people are in Hell for a good reason, and how, if you don’t follow God, and choose to live a sinful (and awesome) life, you will end up there yourself.  And these people spew lots of lines about how what they did wasn’t so bad, like the gay guy is shouting “I was born this way!”  Yeah, very open-minded, eh Christians?

After they make their way through the most boring haunted house in existence (with the worst actors and actresses of all time), they are then taken into this room.  They are all lined up against a wall, unable to leave.  A big guy then comes in and talks to these kids, telling them that if they don’t straighten up, believe in God, and fly right, they are going to follow suit of the people they just say.  They then sit them down and tell them to pray, asking them to join their church and follow Jesus.  According to them, one in five kids do.  Yeah, because that was so scary, right? (Rolls eyes)

This documentary is hilarious.  The acting is awful.  The message is so phoned-in from half a dozen Christian zealots that you see all the time on TV or wherever.  It is an exploitative piece of bullshit that is being used by this church to scare people.  See, that seems to be the new tactic of Christians.  They know that they can’t reason with the atheists, and those who are skeptical.  The reality is that the Christian position has no basis in logic.  None.  The bible is awash with contradiction, illogical and ridiculous bullshit.  There aren’t five words of truth in any of it.  So, instead, they decide that they are going to try and scare kids.  They are going to make them too afraid not too.  I have had plenty of Christians try to do that to me.

But here’s the kicker, Christians – that won’t work for long!  With information being so readily available, there are sources after sources that debunk your complete and utter bullshit, like the Bible.  Here’s the Skeptics Annotated Bible, which goes into great lengths how utterly absurd this book is.

You are losing, Christians, because your lies are so much easier to debunk, and we can show this much easier.  Meanwhile, when you try and fight it out with reason, it was over before it began.  Ha-ha!

Until next time, a quote,

“And they do this, year after year, in state after state, and try to con and scare these people into becoming members of this cult. Just like utter and complete shit-heads would.”  -Dusty Smith, World’s Worst Haunted House – In Under 3 Minutes

Peace out,