I got to talking to a now former coworker of mine about how there are so many things that I would do if you put me in any random film. And I still feel that way. So I gots me an idea for a post series that I could do – putting a rational man inside of films, books, what-have-you. These are just going to be little things that I have noticed in little blurbs. Let me know if you have ones that come to you.
Rational Man in Snow White
To the Evil Queen: “So, you go through all the effort of making a poison that seeps into an apple when you are the queen of a kingdom? Why not just send your army to kill that chick? It seems like you went out of your way to make killing her a thousand times harder than it needed to be.”
To Snow White: “Why is it you felt that it was a good idea to just set up shop in the home of seven dwarfs? I mean, they probably haven’t seen a woman in years. The fact that they didn’t turn you into a living sex toy is insane.”
Rational Man in Sleeping Beauty
To Maleficient: “Look, I think you’re awesome. But why is it you decided to become the dragon? I mean, as a witch you have nigh-unlimited power. It seems like you were REALLY handicapping yourself by taking them away and turning yourself into a giant fire-breathing monster when he was clearly geared up for that.
Rational Man in Cinderella
To Aurora: how is it, if that glass shoe fits you just right that it fell off your foot? I mean, that seems to signify that it is too big for your foot. Which means that the Prince could easily have found a woman whose foot fit it more snugly and lived happily ever after with her.
To the Prince: why is it, precisely, that you needed to have a shoe fit to prove that someone is the person you danced with the night before? I get that her attire would be different, but it would still have her same facial features and eye color. Is your memory that bad that you couldn’t remember those details about her?
Rational Man in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (the Fantasia one, not that shit-tastic live action abortion)
To the Sorcerer: this kid nearly destroyed your entire home, ruined your spell-book, destroyed Groj-knows how much priceless artifacts of your trade, and could have potentially made a nigh-unstoppable army of broomsticks and all he gets is a whack on the butt with your broom? I would kick the shit out of that little snot. At this period in history, that wouldn’t even be frowned upon.
Rational Man in Robin Hood
To Prince John: Why is it you never hired an assassin to kill Robin Hood? I mean, it can’t have escaped your notice that your own men can’t hit the broadside of a barn. So why not hire a professional to deal with the problem? A man with your power and connections, I refuse to believe you didn’t have that ability. Hell, I bet there are people within your own country who could have got the job done.
To Robin Hood: So wait a minute, you’re telling me that you’ve been in a place where you could easily have dispatched the Prince and you never did? Why? It would have saved the kingdom a ton of grief, and you were already a wanted criminal. It’s not like you would be losing anything by killing him.
Rational Man in Aladdin (the good version, not the live-action abortion)
To Jafar: Why is it that you decided to kill Aladdin in a way where he falls into the Cave of Wonders? Seriously, you could easily have helped him out of that pit, gotten the lamp from him, and then killed him right there. You were in the middle of the desert. The only ones who would know is the sands and the vultures that would eat his body. Hell, you were in disguise anyway, so yeah. It just sounds like a needless risk. And since his clever monkey friend got the better of you, it sounds like you lost out anyway.
To Aladdin: How is it that a guy with your level of cunning wasn’t able to find easy ways around the Genie’s rules? I mean, you should have been able to see this right in front of you. For starters, wish that the no wishing for more wishes rule was gone. Boom, problem solved. Or, failing that, wish for more genies. Again, problem solved. You show early on that you are capable of outsmarting the Genie and getting him to have his ego make the best of him, so why was this beyond you?
Rational Man in The Little Mermaid
To King Triton: How come you didn’t let Ariel absolutely have it after everything she did? That girl not only disobeyed you, but she fucked up your kingdom, betrayed you and everything you stand for to an evil witch, and all for a boy that she likes. In the end she gets everything she wants and doesn’t have to answer for anything. I mean, how is that fair? That girl should at least get locked in her room for a year or two until she gets why what she did was unfathomably stupid.
Rational Man in Atlantis: The Lost Empire
To Rourke: Why exactly is it you felt the need to try and steal Atlantis’ power source to get rich? Do you not realize that your discovery is going to make you and everyone else in that crew rich beyond their wildest dreams? They are a lost civilization, with untold treasures. I mean, in the end they sent everyone back to the surface with a mountain of gold and jewels. Who knows how much more they would have parted with if you left on good terms.
Rational Man in Jungle Book (the animated version, not the live-action abortion)
To Shere Khan: Why didn’t you just kill Mogli and be done with it? You are too good to die this way. Your pride is the thing that killed you. You should have been picking your teeth with that upstart’s bones. Seriously, fuck that smug kid.
Rational Man in Frozen
To Elsa: Why is it exactly you had to flee from the kingdom? You’re a princess, eventually to be a queen. Why do you care if the peasants label you a witch? You can freeze their asses when they rebel and then sit on your throne with absolute power and a sister who is pretty much your bitch.
To Kristoff: So…what’s the deal with you and the reindeer? I mean, the level of closeness you exhibit makes me REALLY think there’s something going on here. I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this.
Rational Man in A Night on Bald Mountain
To Chernabog: How do I land an invite to the next party you have? This looks to be a pretty awesome time. You have sexy fire women, all these crazy demons and ghosts, and you’re fucking with everyone. I bet this party is off the chain.
Let me know if there are other works you want to see done. This is just testing the waters on my concept.
Until next time, a quote,
“Provoking people is extremely important because it gets people to think.” – Lawrence Krauss