I am so bored with movies these days. Between the endless sequels, and the unending reboots and remakes, why should I go to the theaters when I can just as easily not watch those films at home? Not even going to see the next Star Wars. Finally got around to watching Rogue One. It sucked. It was boring. I’ll admit that it made the Rebels kind of look like terrorists, which is how I always saw them so that worked out nicely, but the rest was boring. Everyone tells me that Episode VII was so awesome. You know what I see when I saw that film? I’ll tell you – a really poorly hidden remake of the original film. That’s it. It’s a remake of the first film, but with a chick. I am not impressed.
Which brings me to my latest bit of news that I saw – the Baywatch film has flopped. What a shock. When I saw the ads for this movie, I was genuinely confused. I never even watched the show, but I remember what the draw for it was back in the day – Pamela Anderson and her really big tits bouncing in swimsuits along with Carmen Electra. It wasn’t that hard. To be able to remake this concept should be simple. Granted, in today’s politically correct charged society, I do wonder if people would gravitate toward a film with hot women and big tits in swimsuits, but I bet it would still sell well. However, that isn’t what they did, is it? No, instead we got some kind of buddy-comedy with The Rock and some other fuck who I don’t really know or care who they are. Wait, what? I saw only one ad with hot women and they didn’t exactly have huge tits bouncing. Why is there no bouncing? Where are the big boobs? In that moment, I realized what had happened.
The Hollywood machine got its claws into that film, and it became the latest in the series of poor decisions that they have made when remaking something to not even give the slightest of fucks about what the draw was to the source material. Instead they have to make it some bullshit that trades simply in name recognition. Because hey, why not sweep the bottom of the barrel? To be fair, that was pretty much what the show was. It was porn without the porn. Hot bouncing tits under the skimpy clothes. The shoe was to give guys boners. Sure, there were some hot dudes in there too just to get the ladies all moistened, but we all remember the ads. This was for the lowest common denominator. But the series was aware of that. There was no question about it. Same way Magic Mike was about the lowest common female denominator.
Hollywood has this habit lately of taking properties with name recognition and deciding to remake or reboot it while not even beginning to remember what drew people to it in the first place. For example – did you see that the remake of Jumanji is coming out in the next year or so? Oh boy. The poster for it looks retarded beyond belief, and it’s another film that The Rock can add his name to that is stupid in the extreme, but it’s happening. Another CG orgy that will totally miss the practical effects which help cover the original film’s terrible animations that have not aged well at all. Not to mention it shits on Robin Williams’ legacy when he was at his peak. But Hollywood clearly doesn’t care about that. They are remaking The Crow, after all. A classic superhero film that Brandon Lee gave his life for. The lasting piece of his legacy. I refuse to see that movie. Period. I will not give Hollywood money for spitting on the death of a man who tried to do something amazing. Especially after they ruined the sequel to the film – City of Angels. Take a look at the link I attached. The story of a truly great film that will never be just hurts me inside.
What can we learn about all these remakes and reboots? First – Hollywood is out of ideas. Instead of making original content to give to the masses, they give the same recycled bullshit that they know will make a shit-ton of money. Since the masses clearly as stupid as fuck, they will see whatever new superhero film it is. Not me. After one of the staff at DC came out and said that the Wonder Woman film wasn’t going to be any better than Batman v Superman or Suicide Squad, I won’t even be Netflixing that shit. 20th Century Fox decided to take a risk with two R-rated superhero films that actually did justice to their source material. Both of which were incredible films. Both of which were sleeper hits that brought in massive critical and widespread acclaim. Part of me hopes that Disney will take notice and hand some of their properties off to their subsidiary studios under their umbrella and make a few with their properties. That’s how they were able to distribute Princess Mononoke, even though it was a VERY violent Miyazaki film. I doubt it will happen, but a man can dream. At the very least Disney knows when to begin to step back from superhero films after Infinity War is done. Props to that. The MCU had a good run, now it can have a legacy.
The next thing we can learn is that truly amazing films are being passed over. My favorite film of 2016 was a genuinely smart science fiction film called Arrival. It was made by Denis Villeneuve, who made Sicario and Incendes. Both of which were also incredible. I am a little apprehensive about what the sequel to Blade Runner is going to be, but at least it is in the hands of a competent director. That’s more than a lot of films can say. How many films like Arrival are being passed over because they may not sell as much. I just found out that there is an anime adaptation film being made that probably none of you has heard about it. It is being personally financed by James Cameron, who has wanted to see a film adaptation of it made for 17 years! That’s pretty hardcore. It is already in production. $200 million has been spent on it. Don’t have any idea what I’m talking about? I don’t blame you. This film is so far under the radar to border on non-existence. It’s being directed by Robert Rodriguez, and stars Michelle Rodriguez and Christoph Waltz, along with Jennifer Connolly and other big names. Still don’t know? It’s called Battle Angel. A manga that James Cameron was in love with and as I said has been trying to make into a film for 17 years. Maybe after how hard Ghost in the Shell flopped, they want to keep this under wraps. Hard to say.
Lastly, the thing we can take away is that Hollywood is bleeding money. After all, the best they can do is churn out films that are basically tailor-made to do well overseas. Seems the Asian markets will eat up whatever crap we put out, so long as it has white people kicking ass. All the SJWs talking about “white-washing” don’t mean much to the markets that have made films that outright sucked like the Transformers sequels into massive successes. Goes to show – Anita Sarkeesian and her ilk don’t know what the fuck they are talking about. Shocking, I know.
In the meantime, Hollywood needs to stop remaking movies. I am hoping that with the failure of films like this and the failure of movies like Ghostbusters (2016), they are starting to see the tide on this crap turning. Exploiting nostalgic name-recognition isn’t how you sell movies. If anything, it just reminds cynics like me what we loved the originals so much.
Until next time, a quote,
“Work is making a living out of being bored.” – Karl Lagerfeld