Not joking at all, I hate going to the movies. Theaters are the worst. I went to see Infinity War, and while the film was totally worth my time, the beginning of the showing was the worst. Why? Because after having to suffer through endless bullshit they put on before the show (what happened to the days when theaters just either had slides of ads in the background and some music playing? That was what theaters were like when I was young. Groj how I miss those day), I then have to watch the previews.
The previews before this movie were the worst. The absolute worst. It made me want to slit my wrists. It made me want to think that film as a medium is dead. Why? Because there was no ad for Deadpool 2, because that’s a violent film for grown-ups, so we had to get really mediocre family films advertised. Like did you know that Shaq is taking another stab at acting? This time as an old man playing basketball! Oh the shenanigans! I bet that will just be totally silly. I can’t wait to see what things Shaq will get up to next. Has a bunch of other old basketball players. Surprised they didn’t get Michael Jordan in there. He has more self-respect than that. He pimps underwear, after all.
Next, they played a trailer twice! Twice! For that shitty Jurassic World sequel. I thought that Jurassic World was a giant piece of shit. Nothing was good about it. Nothing. Yeah, there was the big battle at the end, but that was short, and boring, and stupid. Nostalgia Critic getting the guy who did the narration on the Honest Trailers videos was cooler than that. Now they are making a sequel that ironically addresses something I have always thought about in these films – dinosaurs being used for military applications. Except with Chris Pratt. But they showed that goddamn trailer twice! Because it was so good that i Just had to see it again, right?!
Then we have even more product placement as we have the theater shilling itself. Gotta love corporate marketing. Probably how these places stay in business since the attendance numbers for box office films are down over the last few years.
I am so glad I went to see this film during the day, before school got out. That way I can see it with no children around. That’s another reason that I will never, ever go to a family film when the little ones are around to see it. I don’t even watch family films anymore anyway, aside from superhero ones. Haven’t seen any that look appealing to me. Before you ask, I haven’t seen Moana. After Frozen, the Disney section that does CG films that isn’t Pixar is dead to me. And I didn’t see that film in theaters either.
Theaters should be made exclusively for adults, where the little ones are not allowed. Where you can get quality food, alcohol, and seats that are super mega comfy. Yeah, that sounds just about perfect. I hate kids in general, but children at theaters fucking up my movie experience is the worst.
Then you get the assholes who are on the phone the whole goddamn time. Makes me wish that hacking was the way it is in Watch Dogs, because I’d be hacking everyone’s phone and sending every dirty picture they ever sent to their mother and telling them if they do this again, I’m going to send them to their boss. That’s how much I hate people who sit on their goddamn phone the whole show. Go home if you are so bored by the film that you can’t be bothered to stay off your goddamn phone for a couple hours. Entitled millennials. I had some dude looking at porn during this movie. No joke, he was on his phone looking at porn. Wow. Stay classy, boo.
Finally, you get the two besties who absolutely have to talk about everything in the film with each other. They are going to go on and on and on about it. And of course they need to be loud enough for you to hear their conversation, because I totally wanted to know if they think that Captain America would be cuter if he was gay. Thanks for telling me about that.
I don’t like going to theaters, and I’ll avoid it at all costs if I can. Since most films that come out anymore are shit anyway, I don’t have to find a lot of reasons not to be there. Fuck Hollywood. It’s out of ideas.
Until next time, a quote,
“If I flick popcorn at their ears, maybe they’ll shut the fuck up.” – Quinn Pierce