RAB: Why So Little Posted?

Hey there, everyone.  You’re probably wondering – why are you posting so little?  Well, here’s the thing – I don’t have much to talk about.  I’m currently watching Ken Burns’ new documentary The Vietnam War, and will be doing a review on it soon enough.  It’s a truly superb work, that you should check out on PBS.org.  Trust me, it will be worth your time.  It’s one of the most tragically-misunderstood conflicts in history, and a huge black mark against this country that shows that our attempts to control our little world always make things worse.  We really need to stop.

As for what’s been happening, I honestly have no dog in this fight.  The more I watch President Trump go on Twitter and play chicken with Kim Jong Un about who is going to blast who first, the more I realize that this country is bananas.  I love when North Korea’s prime minister called Trump “full of meglomania.”  A couple of things.  1. Good point, but 2. Isn’t this kind of like the pot calling the kettle black?  It really feels that way.  Just wondering if someone will post a comment about that being racist.  Anything to do with the color black anymore is racist.

Speaking of, I didn’t really care about PewDiePie’s usage of the word “nigger.”  That’s right, I didn’t go “the n-word.”  Context matters.  I used a word that he used in the context of him using it.  Am I suddenly a racist?  George Carlin had a great bit about this.  Here’s a link.  Was what he said in poor taste?  Sure.  Do I care?  Not really.  He’s a let’s player who got rich off it.  His channel means nothing to me.  With that in mind, that meant absolutely dick.

What about all this kneeling shit with the NFL?  Surely I have opinions about that, right?  Nope.  Couldn’t possibly care less.  I really couldn’t.  People who throw a ball around have opinions about kneeling during America’s theme song.  Do all you patriotic motherfuckers get up off your fat ass when it comes on during a football game and put your hand over your heart?  No!  I’m sure some idiot will find this and comment “I do!”  Well good for you.  You’re probably the only fucking one.  Some overpaid asshole on a field kneeling for America’s theme song means about as much to me as whatever the drunk Native idiot was spewing at my local Fred Meyer’s while he was being shoved into a police car.

Maybe I can talk about the novel I’m writing.  It’s true, I am.  May post a chapter or two form it on here, but probably not.  Been having a little writer’s block lately.  Been uninspired.  But hoping to get some back this weekend to finish a chapter.  I told a dear friend before she went to basic for the Navy that I would be finishing it before she got home.  Hooyah!

What other stupid controversy am I seeing that people feel the need to insist I talk about?  None that comes immediately to mind.  I think I covered them all.  Still seeing shit about this kneeling nonsense with President Dumbshit feeling the need to get his butthurt on.  I swear, the only political figure more thin-skinned is the one that he’s playing chicken with in terms of who will nuke who first.  Thank Groj the Chinese said they want no part of this.  That tells me that we won’t have World War III.  I think everyone has realized that Kim Jong Un is crazy.  But there won’t be a nuclear strike from him.  I guarantee that if he actually goes the distance with ordering a nuclear strike, one of his generals will blow his fucking head off and call America up and be like, “hey!  Any chance we could totally de-escalate this shit?”

So, what do you think?  I’m leaving the floor open to you.  Tell me what I should write about.  What stupid shit in the news do you think is worth my time.  Leave a comment and I will actually genuinely consider it and let you know if I pick it or not.  If nothing strikes my fancy or annoys me enough to get me to write, I won’t.

Until next time, a quote,

“There’s a nice campaign slogan for someone – the public sucks, fuck hope!” – George Carlin

Peace out,

Maverick

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RAB: Twix Marketing and the Venom Movie

The very definition of a random assortment of bullshit. I was at my terrible, awful, no-good, thankless job today when I walked into the break room and got a look at the vending machine.  Don’t worry, I am not that pathetic.  I was reloading on water.  I actually am trying to take care of myself at this job.  Hence why I go on walks every single day now, multiple times.  But anyway, I get to the vending machine and I see a Twix candy bar.  Twix is my favorite kind of candy, but the thing which caught my eye is what was directly above it – Two Left.  The fuck?!  Then I remembered the retarded-ass marketing campaign of this stuff.

See, the company behind this had this marketing campaign where people were supposed to pick whether they like left Twix or right Twix better.  Like they aren’t the same goddamn candy!  That was stupid all on its own, but since I only caught that crap when I was out at the parent’s place watching TV, it didn’t bother me too much.  But then they decided to expand upon that retarded crap by introducing this newest marketing garbage.  See, since apparently this marketing campaign actually worked (what the fuck is wrong with you, America?!), they made packages that claim to have two left or two right Twix.  Why?  So the stupid monkeys who actually weighed in on this nonsense can have their precious left or right.  Fuck that noise!

As it has been made very clear that Americans are too stupid to get this crap, allow me to explain – you cannot have two left or two right of something in a package!  You have one thing on the left and one on the right!  Ugh!  But then all my retarded-ass coworkers said that I am overthinking this and how this reflects negatively upon me.  Are you kidding me?!  We have an ad campaign that is championing being dumb!  How am I the only person that bothers?!  Come on, people!  In the Comments, someone tell me I am not totally out of my mind here (just watch, now I get so trolled.  Never invite the Internet to do stuff like this)!

That stuff aside, there is another thing that got my attention recently – I saw in movie news that the Venom film is going to also star Carnage as the antagonist.  Really?  Don’t you think you’re kind of putting your best foot forward a little early?  Seems like you may want to see if a first Venom film can work before you pit symbiotes against one-another.  But as I thought about that more and more, it occurred to me – this better be an R-rated film!  Why?  Let’s discuss some comic nerd stuff.

Carnage is a truly grisly villain.  As the comic series has gone on, his body count is fairly astronomical.  The character’s entire schtick is that he uses his body to turn into gruesome weapons and rip his victims to pieces.  That’s pretty cool.  Put to film, such a character would be genuinely amazing, would they not?  Here’s the problem – this is a Sony film.  They suck at making movies!  The new Spider-Man only turned out so well because it was paired up with Marvel.  Tom Hardy as Venom definitely has an appeal to it.  He’s a great actor who can do dark roles very well.  I see him being able to take on something of an anti-hero like Venom and making it go pretty far.  But in a film with Carnage, here’s what I want – a HARD R-Rating!

Not this soft-R like Deadpool.  As much as I love that film, it played it safe in a lot of ways.  Logan was a step further in the right direction when it comes to gruesome comic book films with mainstream appeal.  But that even cut some corners from going too grotesque.  But no more of that with Venom!  If this film is going to have one of the most violent comic book villains of all time, then it better ramp up the death, blood, and gore to 11.  I want to see Venom beating the shit out of Carnage in a place filled with the mutilated bodies of his victims.  I mean, how can you possibly market a film with these two characters in it as a family picture?!

In an age where comic book films are FINALLY willing to take some risks that majorly pay off, this is the film where I want to see it ramped up to 11.  Hopefully that’s how they got Tom Hardy on board.  He is something of a crazy method actor, after all.  That man has brutalized himself in all sorts of ways for his roles.  I dig that kind of crazy.  And for the love of Groj, can we not let Sony get their claws into this film?!  They can only make it worse.  For whatever reason, this studio has a truly amazing record of taking good ideas and shitting all over them.  We’ll never know how that works, but there it is.

Until next time, a quote,

“Just like sardine cans!  Snack time!” – Carnage, Spider-Man: The Animated Series

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: Anita Sarkeesian’s Hitman Argument is Stupid

I’m bored on a Friday night and tired of doing nothing with me life.  So here I am, on my website, drinking pina colada and doing nothing with my life.  As I drank this wonderful concoction, a thought came to me – Anita Sarkeesian’s argument about Hitman is stupid.  Like, really stupid.  Her Damsels in Distress video has a scene from Hitman: Absolution where you can go into the room with the strippers and kill them and drag them around the floor.  Her argument was that the player sees the bodies as something to just use and throw away and how that’s a reflection on men in general.  Let’s not even get into the how the game penalizes you for attacking civilians.  Anita says that argument doesn’t work because the game should have a fail state if you do that.  Well, that is dumb.  After all, if the game failed you because you killed a target who isn’t the one you are after then it would never work.  There are plenty of times you’re going to have to whack the bad guys.  Besides, these arguments have been taken on by everyone.  I had a new thought.

Let’s ignore Hitman: Absolution.  That game was terrible.  It totally betrayed everything that made the series good.  Let’s instead look at the new game.  You know, the one that was such a financial disappointment to Square Enix that they are selling the company who made it.  Yeah, the second season is never happening.  In the new game, who is Agent 47?  He’s no one.  He’s a weapon, in every sense of the word.  He will not act unless he gets explicit permission.  From whom?  Well, that would be his handler – Diana.  At no point will he act unless she gives him permission to do so.  Everything he does is directly at her request.  In essence, in their dynamic she has all the power.  All of it.  47 has no agency is his own story.  When she tells him that there is a potential threat, he even says that it is her issue to deal with, he’s just waiting for a target.

For a game all about the “male power fantasy,” it sure is interesting that a woman has every single ounce of the power in the relationship, isn’t it?  I kind of like that.  It’s what made Absolution so frustrating.  47 isn’t meant to have any power over his own fate.  His entire life he was trained to be a weapon to be used by others.  It’s all he knows.  If feminists knew the first thing about nuance, they might think about things like that.

Honestly don’t have anywhere else I was going with that.  I just find it interesting that the character Anita believes is guilty of treating women like objects doesn’t acknowledge that aside from terrible games, he is just a tool to be used by an agency and a woman who has the deadliest assassin in the world at her tool for getting things done.

Until next time, a quote,

“Someone’s playing a game, 47.  The question is – against whom?” – Diana, Hitman

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: Blood C and Evil Fictional Corporations

Not long ago, I got done watching an anime on YouTube that FUNimation put out.  It is a kind of unofficial sequel to that well-animated but plot-dull film Blood: The Last Vampire.  It was beautiful to look at, but boring as can be.  They made a series that is a kind of extension of it call Blood C.  A 12-episode event that is kind boring.  But I was bored and tired and lacking in things to do.  So I watched it.  To be honest, the series is actually rather aimless up until the very last episode.  There is an INSANE bit of exposition-dumping that happens when the evil villain is explaining his evil plot to the heroine who is very much powerless to stop him.  I’ll give the guy credit, he didn’t just monologue when he figures the hero can’t stop him.  He made sure that she would not be able to get into his way.  And to his credit as well, he succeeds.

No joke, the series goes out with him shooting her in the face and flying away on a helicopter.  But before that, there is a scene that should go down in anime history for being one the most pointlessly-violence sequences ever.  It’s kind of hard to look away.  It’s both insanely grotesque and absolutely nuts.  For no reason.  See, it all boiled down to something.  I guess this is a spoiler, so if the series actually means something to you, go watch it.  I doubt most of you know what it is, but still.

The villain had an entire secluded island used to stage a kind of Truman Show for the girl whose power he was trying to siphon off while he worked on a method to control the monsters that she was fighting. All of the people on the island were actors that he was paying.  The girl’s family, her classmates, and he was even taking on the role of her brother in order to feed her a material that would give her enough power to be able to fight the monsters.  All of this was done in order to perfect his plan to make a method of creating monsters that he can control and even turn his own people into.  It worked.  His method was completed.  Now the question was – what to do about the people on the island?  They knew why they were there, and more than a few were a legitimate threat to this guy if the truth ever got enough.  So, a secluded island, and he has monsters that are virtually-unstoppable that he can control.  What to do?  What do you think he did?

First, he unleashes monsters to clean house with the students at the school that the girl who was his mark attended.  Then he rounds up all the people that are a threat to him.  Instead of giving them all a huge paycheck, he has his monsters rip them to pieces and eat them too.  Finally, since the girl herself is now a threat, he unleashes a monsters that, even if it doesn’t kill her, will stall her long enough for him to get clear.  Which just leaves the rest of town.  In the most gruesome scene that I’ve seen in a long town, the monsters go to work killing and eating people.  But that isn’t really the thing that gets my attention.  This falls into a larger issue that I have.

During this, the evil villain and the one actor that he kept alive, along with their security force, are driving out through the carnage.  They even turn the wipers on when blood and guts start collecting on the windshields of their cars.  Which leads me to thinking about something – why is it that in all fictional evil corporations, there doesn’t seem to be anyone with even a shred of empathy?  I mean, look at what happened with Umbrella in Resident Evil.  They create a zombie virus that can infect and destroy people, test it on real people, mutate countless people into monsters, and not one person was like, “so…should we maybe not do this?”  It was the same thing in Blood C.  They are just driving through carnage where you have scenes like one of the monsters chopping a person up by turning their hand into a giant butcher knife.  He’s cutting a person up like they’re a carrot, and nobody says a word.

Where do evil corporations get people who are that loyal?  It always takes me out of the moment when I see some evil genius who has a TON of people just working for them, not one of whom ever seems to second-guess the morality of what they’re doing.  I would have loved to have seen in some of the other cars in that evil guy’s motorcade driving through psycho genocide being like, “Bob, I’m just putting this out there, but this is kind of fucked up.  Just sayin’.”  My immersion always breaks when I get to see these instances.  Hell, at least with Syndrome in The Incredibles, it’s understood that a lot of what they do is contracting work making weapons for people.  At least they can claim that their work serves a purpose.  But with a company that just brutally massacres everyone, how does not one person question it?  I mean, you’d think it would get around the office that the boss is a psychopath who will butcher an entire island full of people to keep their secrets.

I don’t know.  Let me know you all’s thoughts in the Comments.

Until next time, a quote,

“Being a henchman is like getting a terminal illness.  All you can do is figure out your best option.” – Michael Swain

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: I Don’t Care About the NX

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…Nintendo’s last foray into console gaming.  The console code-named NX.  A console that will be releasing in March.  What does this console look like?  What are its specs?  What is the list of games that are going to be released with this new console?  I’d tell you, if I knew.  If anyone knew.  The only, and I do mean ONLY, game we have confirmed is coming out on this new console is a new Legend of Zelda game.  One that has been given SO much more credit than it’s due.  The first open-world Legend of Zelda game?  Really?  So what was Wind Waker?  Shits and giggles?  The open world areas of ALL of the Zelda games?  What are those?  I daresay, it’s like this latest game is being sold on a premise that is complete bullshit, to cover the fact that this is yet-another Zelda game that is exactly the same as the others.  Exactly the same.

We have learned one thing about the latest console that is coming out – it will have cartridge-based games.  This tells me one thing – this latest console isn’t trying to get third-party games.  Why would companies invest in something really expensive for a console that we know isn’t trying to compete with Sony and Microsoft?  They’ve said as much.  Their latest console will have specs just a little better than the PS3 and Xbox 360.  So that rules out third-party support.  I guess Nintendo will have to just coast on its first-party games.  And what will those be?  What have we heard?  Well, we know Legend of Zelda.  Okay.  There’s a new idea.  A new Mario game, perhaps?  We won’t be getting a new Star Fox game.  They tried that.  It was a giant pile of shit.  New Metroid?  Yeah, that just happened.  It ditched everything about the franchise that made it good.  Like Samus.  It ditched her.  The latest Metroid game doesn’t even have her in it.  What amazing things is Nintendo planning on doing with this latest console that is coming out?

The cruel reality is that Nintendo isn’t doing anything.  Nothing of notice.  It’s just going to be doing the same shit that they have done for 30 years.  Making the same game, over and over and over again.  Nothing changes.  Literally, nothing.  This company has been skating on brand recognition for so long.  I don’t get why people are so forgiving of this.  Look at the other companies who get accused of this, and how people view them.  Companies like Activision, EA, or Ubisoft.  All three are incredibly-maligned.  With each new Call of Duty game, Activision keeps digging its own grave.  Hell, now they are making Call of Duty: IN SPACE!  That’s how sad this company has gotten.  But those games sell like fucking hotcakes too.  What is wrong with those who buy games?  I can’t stand this mentality of people who can buy the same shit over and over again.  I at least make sure that what I’m getting is worth my time.  I loves me the Final Fantasy franchise, but I didn’t buy any of XIII’s god-awful sequels.  I will never understand how people can possibly be this forgiving.

In short, I don’t care about Nintendo’s latest console.  As far as I can see, unless they come out swinging in the biggest way possible, this is going to be their last console.  I honestly think that’s for the best.  This company stopped being innovative and now just skates by on brand loyalty.  It’s the same damn games, over and over!  People make no god-damn sense to me…

Until next time, a quote,

“Are we gonna stand for this?!  We’re gonna let them do this to us?  No, I say!  No!  We’re not gonna eat this dreck anymore!  We want something else!” – Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: Black Lagoon and Feminism

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.  I started this new job, and to be completely honest, there isn’t that much to talk about.  I’ve said my piece about the election this year.  It’s a farce, and I refuse to participate.  The whole thing is a joke, and the reality is that everything happening just proves that this country is doomed and pretending otherwise is just being dishonest.  But I thought I would write something about this new series that I have been watching.  I’ve made no secret how I think so much of modern anime is tepid garbage.  The worst thing to happen to anime was when it went mainstream.  Now it has to meet corporate standards of audience appeal, so most shows that could have something clever about them end up getting watered down to insane degrees.

Then I get shows like Black Lagoon.  This series is a marvel.  It feels like such a send-up to so many classic styles of both anime and film that have died so long ago.  It’s from studio Madhouse, who I hear has gone out of business.  Can someone confirm or deny that for me in the Comments?  I really want to know.  Because I have a theory about this series and how it “ended” which might go along with whether or not this place closed.  But I digress.  This series is just awesome.  Were it not for the fact that it has no ending, but just a point where it stops, then I would put it among my favorite anime.  The animation is awesome.  Sure, it’s got CG integration, but since the color palate is so bright and vibrant, you can easily miss it.

I think this series is so much fun.  It tells the story of the Lagoon Company, and the little family of complete criminals who occupy it, who our new protagonist, who comes to be known by the name Rock, is a part of after his ship gets attacked.  The series is basically a send-up to John Wu movies.  Every action sequence is so insane, hyper-violent, uses an absurd number of bullets, but you can’t help but love.  The characters are all so unique and their stories get flushed out in interesting ways.  However, my personal favorite, is Revy.

Rebecca “Revy” Lee is such an 80’s action hero.  She’s foul-mouthed in the extreme.  Her gunplay skills are borderline superhuman, and she is a complete badass virtually all the time who sees violence as her first, last, and only solution to problem-solving.  But more than just being badass, she’s also human.  This is why I have feminism in the title of this post.  Of course, feminists would think poorly of her character.  She wears a tanktop and short-shorts, with combat boots that are perpetually-untied.  The woman has zero fucks to give about how she looks.  Since she’s not ashamed of her body, the SJW crowd would NEVER see her as a likeable character.  Oh, and she’s hot.  But the series doesn’t play her that way.  They never shy away from her body, but the whole series treats how she looks as part of her attitude of zero fucks to give.  There’s a scene where she’s in her bed, in her tanktop and panties, musing about how hungover she is.  The series makes her sexuality seem like just some thing that’s attached to her.  Oh, and like all good 80’s action heroes, she smokes and drinks like the best of them.

But unlike modern SJW-approved heroines, she’s not some perfect person.  She’s not just badass.  She’s human.  Through the whole series. the growth of her relationship with Rock begins to show cracks in her armor.  Revy is emotionally broken.  Her entire life has been about killing, and it has left her virtually without a conscience.  The times that Rock has been forcing her to face that part of herself, it brings out the very worst in her.  Repeatedly leading to violent confrontations with Rock and her threatening to kill him.  I hate how you have characters like Katniss Everdeen, who is totally perfect and completely strong and can do no wrong.  She has no huge, glaring flaws to overcome.  She’s just swell.  And I guarantee, if her and Revy ended up facing off, Revy would shoot that bow out of her hands with her Cutlasses, then blow her head off.  Good!  I cannot stand these Mar Sues that I’m seeing be the symbol for strong female characters.

For the days when a good character was shown to be a human being!  Human beings have problems!  A good character in a story has to overcome some part of themselves in order to grow and save the day.  Since Revy is an 80’s action hero, let’s take a look at my favorite 80’s action hero – John McClane.  When we see him in the first Die Hard, he isn’t just some badass.  He’s an estranged husband.  He’s afraid of flying.  He has no shoes.  He’s all the Nagatomi Plaza has, but he realizes that he’s going into this at a disadvantage.  That’s awesome!  That makes a compelling character.  Same with Revy.  She’s emotionally broken, and not particularly well-adjusted.  She purposely brings a guy into her life, who has her finding parts of her empathy that hadn’t existed in a long time.  She doesn’t always handle this well.  Doesn’t that sound a thousand times more interesting than Rey in the new Star Wars, whose biggest flaw is that she is afraid of being all heroic, for about five minutes?

Another thing I love about this series is how maturely the relationship between Revy and Rock is handled.  The first time they bond is when Revy is bragging about her drinking talents, and he comes back at her that he has had to work up the corporate ladder in Japan, so he has developed a drink tolerance that she is woefully underestimating.  Their standoff leads to a hilarious line as they demand to see who can take more.  There are some ups and downs between them, but it isn’t handled like how most anime does, with the guy being all shy and demure and not able to handle the closeness.  Here, the two are like actual adults.  He gives her shit, she gives him shit.  When he barges into her room to get her ass up when the boss demands it, and he isn’t all awkward to see her in her underwear.  Instead, he tells her to get her ass downstairs, because Dutch can’t afford to wait.  I love that!

But my favorite moment is after the two of them have it out in a cafe.  Revy is pointing a gun at Rock, and the two are going back-and-forth about their respective places in the world.  Revy doesn’t want to admit that she’s warming up to him, because then she’d have to admit that she has a caring side.  Her instincts tell her to fight, but he doesn’t run from her.  In a stunning display of courage, he stands his ground and forces her to be an adult about it.  This anime is so great in how it gives the finger to genre conventions.  Once all is said and done, her and Rock end up in the back of a police cruiser.  The cops agree to let them go, but they’ll have to go back to the station for a while.  One of the cops lights a smoke for Rock, with Revy then asking him for a light.  He tells her that the cop lit his smoke, so he doesn’t have one.  To which she replies that he does.  For a second, he’s confused, but then looks down and realizes what she means – his smoke.  Leaning over, he gets very close, and she touches her smoke to his, which lights it.  Ladies and gentlemen, a metaphorical kiss!  For a series lacking in any form of subtlety, that was awesome!  I genuinely loved that moment.  Too bad the series never builds on it.

My theory is that, if Madhouse closed, this series died because of it.  Which, by the way, sucks.  I hear there is a four or five episode OVA third season made, but that means nothing to me.  How I wish a show this awesome could have gone on.  Or at least ended in a way that wraps things up.  But nope.  Like some of the best anime, it died before its time.  Oh well.  It is still awesome. A whole series that’s a John Wu film.  Down with that!

Until next time, a quote,

“Don’t be silly. This is way more entertaining than Hollywood’s ever gonna be.” – Rebecca “Revy” Lee, Black Lagoon

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: Weirdest Moments of My Life

So, I have no job right now (a fact that pisses me off more than you can believe, since I am having to survive in this apartment from my parents graces, and apparently I am doing real financial harm to these people.  A fact that hurts like you wouldn’t believe), which means that I have a shit-ton of time.  There is only so much time I can spend filling out applications and putting in resumes.  So I have a lot of time to think.  With that comes rumination on days gone by.  Then some old memories came back to me.  Like the REALLY weird moments in my life.  The ones that get under my skin and just make me think, “did that really just happen?”  So, I thought I would tell you all some of these now.

Our first story comes from when I was a Student Worker at my university library.  That was a fun job.  I got to get to know all sorts of good people, some of whom I still keep in touch with.  Well, one of which.  Bum deal.  In any case, one day we get a complaint at the desk of someone sleeping on the floor in the bathroom.  I’m a giant, so they get me whenever there are problem people that have to be dealt with.  A coworker volunteers to go with me, since he has a phone that can take good video.  Wish I had uploaded that to YouTube.  I’d share it with you all.  We get into the bathroom and there really is a guy sleeping on the floor in one of the stalls.  The stall is locked, so my coworker reaches over with the phone and records our discourse.  He was the weirdest guy!  He wasn’t like drunk or anything.  He was totally coherent as he got up and apologized, going about his day.  Neither my coworker nor myself knew what to make of it.  That day was funny.

Next up is the first night that I was at my current apartment.  I’m chilling at night, and my blinds are open.  It’s a very peaceful night and I am feeling it.  Settling into a new place.  That’s nice.  Anyway, I am looking out the window when I see a woman who literally scared the shit out of me.  She’s so weird!  She’s a black lady, which has no bearing on the weirdness.  Trust me, that’s the most normal part of this.  The thing that caught my attention was her hair!  It’s massive!  She has a fucking lion’s mane!  It’s a massive, must be heavy, (and I’m assuming) wig that is golden blonde and goes all the way down her back.  It’s so huge.  Her hair is a being unto itself.  And this lady has a look on her face like she lives in her own little world.  I see her all the time, and I am still weirded out.  Come to find out, when I’m on the People of Wal-Mart subreddit, there’s a pic of her!  I know someone who is in a viral pic.  Don’t know why, but that makes me feel kind of important.

Then there was the time that I was playing badminton with my aunt and her family.  My former uncle (they got a divorce some years ago) was fun to be around, but he was a pretentious intellectual.  And something of an asshole.  Explains why him and I got along, right?  Well, to be fair, the bulk of our interactions were trading witty barbs.  I was able to keep pace with him.  Played chess with him too.  He was a good opponent.  I thought he was a true master, until I lived with a South Korean guy at college, who repeatedly and without any difficulty kicked my ass at chess in a way so swift that it was amazing.  Anyway, my uncle was studying French.  Sometimes, he would tell us things he was learning about in French.  This night was one such night.  My aunt had apparently grown tired of his rambling.  He was telling us about the new words he had learned.  Now, I have no idea how these are spelled.  My French is beyond rusty.  It’s dead.  Here’s my shitty-ass English translation, “Oof,” “Crapo,” and “Wa.”  Now, my aunt, a pretty witty lady in her own right, decided to put this talk of random French words to rest with one phrase.

If you don’t shut up, I’m going to be the crappo out of wa.  Until you say ‘oof!’

My cousin and I were in stitches.  Random night.  Back when life was fun.

But I’ve saved the best for last.  There was a friend of mine who I had grown up with.  She was one of my first, if not my first true friend.  She was also the first girl I crushed on, but that’s a whole other story.  Anyway, we were estranged for a while.  Then we reconnected.  Now we’re estranged again.  Timing, am I right?  Anyway, during the time we reconnected, I got to know her husband.  He was the only significant other of a lady-friend who actually liked me.  I have been seen as a threat by ALL of the others.  No idea why.  But I digress.  She had a kid with this guy.  I’m sure she’s had more now.  She’s REALLY Catholic.  No idea why a girl as smart as her is, but we all have our blind spots.  In any case, I’m visiting one day, chilling on the couch, when out of nowhere she just whips out her boobs and starts milking herself into a baby bottle.  This came right the fuck out of nowhere, and neither she nor her husband seemed to think it was weird at all to do this right in front of me.  Let me make something clear – I have no problem with women breastfeeding their kids in public.  Really, that doesn’t bother me.  But the woman is milking herself like a damn cow!  This was so weird!  They even talked about it with me.  I decided not to bring up how strange this is and just roll with it.  The term “awkward” doesn’t begin to cover how I felt.

So, those are the weirdest moments in my life that come to mind immediately.  Maybe I’ll have more as I think up some.  Let me know what weird stories you’ve had in the Comments.  Maybe we can keep this going!  That would be fun.  If your story is funny enough, maybe I’ll do another post where I decide to share it.  That could turn into something, if enough people get involved.  Let’s have fun!

Until next time, a quote,

“We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over!” – Aneurin Bevan

Peace out,

Maverick