Holding Hands

She asked us out for a drink
After work
Long day
Sounded like a great idea

Perfect evening
Restaurant is fun
We only have a couple
Gotta drive home

She gets white girl wasted
So much fun
No fucks to give
All the barriers are down

Decides to stop
Good girl
But what now?
Can’t go home this buzzed

Family there
Doubles as landlords
Asks me to drive around
We can shoot the shit until it wears off

As we drive, she has idea
Takes phone out and starts shooting video
So much fun
Narrating the drive and being ridiculous

Such a fun night
Don’t want it to end
She’s so much fun!
A crazy idea, I have

A dare – livestream this!
She does it!
This night is so insane!
Might be bad, but who cares?

Then, gets more serious
We start talking about other things
And that’s when it happens
She holds my hand

Her fingers lock with mine
It’s a lover’s grip
She leans against my arm
What’s going on here?

Asking more serious questions
Asks if I love her
What can I say?
What can I possibly say?

This is wrong
She’s involved
She’s loyal
What is happening here?

We hold hands, talk into the phone camera
Goes on for hours
Why don’t I want this to end?
Feels so good

It can’t go on
When the buzz wears off, the loyalty returns
She realizes the truth
What’s happening here is wrong

We get to her home
Ask her what it meant
Holds our clutched hand to her face
Says she doesn’t know

Doesn’t know?
We’ve been holding each other like lovers for hours!
Why doesn’t she have some idea?
So damn confused

Next day, tries to avoid it
Don’t want to tell the truth
What happened between us
Who is helped by the truth

Truth comes out
She tells us the truth
Was using us
Used our loneliness to get what she wanted

It hurts, but it doesn’t
In fact, it’s still just confusing
I still loved that night
Would do it all over again in a heartbeat

However, the damage is done
She is ashamed of herself
Become awkward and distant
What has happened to us?

She’s putting distance between us
Not now!
Not after what has just been shared!

That night, and her gentle clutching hand
Will stay with me forever
But here’s the worrying part
Will I stay with her that long?

I held her hand
She held mine
She held it to her face
It was like a kiss

I don’t know what this means
Nor does she
Get the feeling everything hinges on us figuring the answer out
The question she wanted to ask

Was afraid to
Might not like the answer
Wanted to know anyway – do I love her
Answer is, maybe

She held my hand
I held hers
It was enough
For two hours, it was enough

Peace out,



The Failed Adulthood

Once again, here we are
Luck gone to shit
Don’t even care anymore
Not one little bit

Dreaming of better times
Days gone by it seems
Only there can we see it clear
In the smiles of our dreams

We’re about to lose our place
The apartment we tried to make our home
Another check on our failure board
What good memories do we own?

All we can do is fail
Again and again and again
No matter how hard we try
For it seems that good luck is for better men

We failed as an adult
We failed as a boyfriend
We failed as an employee
Nothing in life could we make bend

It’s all our own fault
Don’t give us any shame
We shot ourselves in the foot, on all counts
Only ourselves there is to blame

Now we sit here
In this darkened room
Our thoughts as lost as our future
We cannot see through this gloom

I don’t like being alive
Wish that accident had taken our life
If nothing good happens
How is it worth going through all this strife

My shitty poems
This terrible rhyme
I don’t care about anything, anymore
Who has the time?

So here’s the thing to take away
From my rambling verse –
Death is a healthy substitute to breathing
Because the alternatives are far worse

Peace out,


My Endless Dark Battle

I see you, standing there
Armor shining black, teeth bared
It’s not a snarl, but a smile
You’re hoping to hear my denial
Because all you want is me dead

It’s a strange thing to want
An insane desire
Like a window meant to look inside
A wish of insanity and destruction
Maybe because it’s all you can have

The battle’s raged on
Forever changing, never gone
Over years of weakness
But our blades clanging in this bleakness
Why do we do this to each other?

I know that I won’t be rid of you
Nothing can change that now
It’s been too long
We’ve been fighting like this
What is left of us now?

But I will continue to be here
You can’t let me get far, only near
For if I stray too far, you pull me back
To strike your armor, all in black
I want to kill you so much

I won’t
I can’t
We need each other now
Without you, who am I?
Perhaps too afraid to know

Our endless battle
The clanging blades and chains that rattle
My eternal foe
Nowhere else to go
My depression is my life now

Peace out,


What I Was Born For

In dreams, ever ascending
Ascending to that place
The great beyond
Forever to find peace

Torn away
Torn away by love
They cared, and took me
Cast from Heaven and forced to live in Hell

Moving forward
Unable to ascend
The tower is gone
We are alone

Attempts to connect
To find those who would understand
The long road, forever forward
Where has the tower gone?

Every night is spent looking for it
That tower we were in
To ascend once more
To live in that place where pain doesn’t exist

At the top of the tower, we saw it
The River of Light
We reached out and touched it
For an instant, we were connected to all existence

Love took us away
Hate sustains us here
Hate guides our feet
It’s all we have

No love
No light
Nothing but hate
Of everything, but ourself most of all

Onward we go
Forever moving forward
Until we find the tower again
And we can ascend once more, for the last time

Until next time, a quote,

“I don’t want my pain taken away!  I need my pain!”  -Captain James T. Kirk, Star Trek V: The Last Frontier

Peace out,


An Ode to Fabio

Woe be the nickname I hath stricken you with
Thine art heard it before knowing who it referred to
In the moving picture with the little fish who was lost
Thine hath been flattered by the comparison
However unfitting though it may be

Thou art the leader of thine family
Strong and noble in thou actions
Be it hunting the wild moose, or flaw in the smoking carriage
Thou hath done many things
Most of which are rather impress, though some…not so much

Verily I say, the patriarch has been a proud teacher
Whether it be the endless spiel about safety in smoking carriages
Or safety in the smoking sled
Thou art’s wisdom lingers with us, and shall until the end of our days
Lest we end up a carriage driver like the Mother, Spirits forbid

Many adventure into faraway lands, thou hast undertaken
Whether it be the island paradise of Kona, or the wet beaches of Seward
Thou hast conquered the mighty salmon!
Many times over
Bringing home a banquet to feed thine family

Wherever thou travels, he does not go alone
Indeed, there is a large white hound who follows
Never far from his master, the loyal mutt goes
He even layeth upon thine lap when thou watches moving pictures
A privilege that was unheard of, in your younger years

Thou takes great comfort in the moving pictures
But there be-ith a man whom you take great offense
He speaks of weather, in a way you find unsatisfactory
Yet thy son finds him quite knowledgeable.
Woe be this dichotomy in the home!

In the future, thou plans to rest from employment
Verily, the wife hopes that thou art find other things to do
Lest you get up in her business and she doth strike you, roughly
Unto thine retirement, good fortunes be
Tho, in all seriousness, do find things to keep thou busy

Thine does not like the son’s cat
Thou art not give her enough attention
Nor the wife
It must be constant
For she is a cat

Yet, in this year of our Lloyd, let us reflect on thine accomplishments
Thou art built a three-story home!
Almost by oneself!
Thou art had two children
One smarmy and charming and writing this Ode

And yet, as the year continues, let us hope for better things
That thou will find peace and contentment
Tho, as is more likely, thou art shall complain about all the things that need doing
Because it’s not as if you have plenty of time
Like, all that retirement time

With that in mind, we say – a happy fatherly day to you, man with the nickname – Fabio
And to all the other fathers, may yours be good as well
But not as good as his
Just saying, he has seniority

Until next time, a quote,

“Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs.”  – Oliver Goldsmith

Peace out,


The Dark Room

Seconds tick by
Staring at the wall
Lost soul
Condemned mind
Doomed to wander, forever

The room
A prison
Torture every minute
Trying anything to escape

Years of wasted time
So much hatred
Dark emotions that battle incessantly
A good soul
Unable to feel good

Doesn’t remember happiness
Just wasted time
Wasted in school
Wasted in love
Wasted time living

Isn’t worth the price
The cost is too high
Too cowardly to make it stop
Can only keep going.
Trying to move forward, and failing

Stale tears for better days
Sunshine, green trees
Windy days with good companions.
Sunny days
That’s all he wants

Does it ever get better?
That isn’t rhetorical
Someone, tell us
Tell us that it’s worth it
Tell us that the pain goes away

We’d believe you
But that isn’t the world we live in
Just pain
Living isn’t worth the cost

But we’re stuck here, so fuck it

Peace out,


Hope is a Curse

It sucks being me, in the modern world
When you see and you think learn
Surrounded by imbeciles who think themselves great
What kind of respect did they ever earn?

So many people think that you can vote greed away
Like humanity doesn’t suck!
Did any of you read back through history?
Seriously – what the fuck?!

The good people are small,
Because greed travels far
Nobody likes how it is
But you can’t change how things are

The most we can do is look after each other
Corporate America doesn’t give a shit!
War, disease, death, starvation
Those rich money-grubbers don’t care one tiny bit!

And maybe it’s fitting that this is how our species is
All this potential going to waste
Recession, super bugs, climate change
We’re doing all we can to end things with haste

Maybe you think I’m being too harsh
After all, there’s love, compassion, the holiday season!
Look on the bright side, Lucien!
That’s a good reason!

Then you turn on the news,
And you see on the Net
That as bad as things are
The worst hasn’t come yet

No, we’re still in act two of the human experience
Act three is a gas
Once we’ve used up all the resources
And Mother Nature does humanity up the ass!

It doesn’t get better, kids
Don’t buy into that lie
You gotta get tougher
Or become one of those poor kids that dies

But maybe there is something better
Across the abyss
Maybe our negativity is lacking
What have we missed?

I’m a dark mother-fucker
That’s something I’ll admit
I’m proud of who I am
At least I’m not some hypocrite

But I’m not a bad guy
I don’t want to be a jerk
I want to get to know my species
Even if most of them irk

Cause this is the only shot
We get one go at this game
Dust, worm-food
It all ends the same

So treat people right
‘Cause we’re all we got!
Or, if that’s too much work
Go smoke yourself some pot

People are much more pleasant
When you’re stoned off your bum
Even the biggest imbecile
Doesn’t look nearly as dumb

And the thing to take away
From my rambling verse
Is that corruption is life
And hope is a curse

Peace out,