Musing From Child Support #1

I let slip in my personal post about the High Price of Failure that I work for child support.  As I have recently discovered that I may have cancer and am waiting for biopsy results to come back in, I thought that I would share with you some of my overwhelming disdain for my place there.  Since this site is not under my real name and I have never said in what state I live, this is honestly not a problem.

I work for the customer service side of child support.  You know what that means?  That means I get to deal with the most insufferable people who have ever lived.  I mean it, the people who call in to my office are some of the most foul, most unpleasant, STUPIDEST putses that I have ever had the misfortune of getting to know.  And there are days when I wish I could kill roughly 70% of the people who call in with a hammer (note that this is in no way indicative of anything I would actually do.  Not for any moral reasons, but because I am too conspicuous to get away with it).  A ball-pin hammer.  Wanna know what my average day is like?  Let me tell you.

The first kind of insufferable person is the person who is just absolutely certain that I have a magic crystal ball that will tell them when their next payment in.  Didn’t you know?  It’s right by my desk!  The moment people call, I look into it and I am able to see magically all the information about their next payment!  Here’s a tip for anyone who may have child support or may get it in the future – we have NO idea when or if payment is coming in.  Ever.  Until a payment comes in, we don’t know it is coming.  If we have a source of income to garnish from, we will follow up after not getting payments in so long, but the reality is that even when the source of income has been consistent for 10 years, we still have no idea if another payment will come in until it does.

Which is another thing – I just love the people who have made child support their SOLE source of income.  Moron, don’t do that!  Child support should be supplementing your income, not being it.  If you are calling me to cry that your rent is due and you depend on this for your entire ability to function, I will be professional and quietly roll my eyes because you don’t realize that this is an undependable form of income.  That’s the truth, by the way.  Because it is not dependable, it isn’t something you can claim on your taxes.  There are no tax benefits or tax punishments for paying or receiving child support.

Next, there are the people who are just absolutely sure that the money is already here.  They call in saying “why aren’t payments coming to me?”  Gee, honey, because I didn’t go out back and pick from the money tree today!  It’s been a bumper-crop this year!  Why, just yesterday I picked us a few $100’s.  I think harvest will be pretty amazing.

But my favorite group in today’s discussion are the lazy fucks.  See, printing a ton of paper is expensive, and wasteful.  So, to help reduce our environmental impact as well as cut costs however we can, we set up and online option for people to get their statements.  It’s easy.  It’s so easy that the kid you’re raising who is only five could do it.  Still, we get so many people who just bitch and moan about the fact that we can’t just go out of our way to send them a statement, when the tools for doing it as right there and it is even formatted to work on your phone!

That reminds me – I love the people who claim that they don’t have a smartphone.  If someone had made that claim to me five years ago, I would be skeptical but I would have bought it.  But now?  No.  Unless you live in some bush community that no one has ever heard of, you have a smartphone.  And if you have a smartphone, you can get on WIFI.  Which means that there is NO reason that you can’t get your uniquely lazy ass on your phone that you are calling me with to pull up your goddamn account!  Ugh!

Add to that the endless accusations that I am for or against this group or that group.  I’ve heard it all.  I hate men.  I hate women.  I hate white people.  I hate black people.  I hate minorities.  I hate lesbians (no joke, a woman who had to pay because her child was in foster care told me that I hate lesbians because the state is making her pay).  I hate single mothers.  I hate single fathers.  I am a cold-blooded murderer who is responsible for killing X person and their family.  Anyone who wants to insult me now has to think of a new line.  I’ve been called it all.

Another group I love – “it ain’t my kid!”  Of course it’s not.  I have no idea how your name got on the birth certificate.  Go to court.  “I terminated my rights!”  Okay.  Did you get that documentation to us?  What’s that?  You didn’t?  “I can’t work anymore!”  Okay.  Do you have official documentation from a medical professional or a disability agency or a court of law saying that you are completely incapable of working?  No?  “I can’t make a payment agreement since I’m not working.”  Then call back when you are.  “I’m working, but they don’t pay hardly anything.”  So you are working?  The excuses I hear from some people run the gamut and it’s so damn funny.

There is honestly a lot of tension which is leaving my body right now.  My friend is in the Navy making something of herself.  I may be kind of a loser, but I have the ability to write.  And I’ll be damned if I am not using that to accomplish something.

Until next time, a quote,

“Stupid people aren’t annoying.  They’re free entertainment.” – Anonymous

Peace out,

Maverick

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Top 10 Fictional Dads

With Father’s Day tomorrow, I thought that I would do a tribute to the fictional dads that I really liked.  Whether they are the biological fathers, or father figures, they are loyal parents and often go to incredible lengths to protect their children.  Sometimes they are diligent, doting parents, other times they are aloof but prove their loyalty in other ways.  I’m not limiting this to any one genre of fiction, because my favorite fictional parents come from all sorts.  Let me know the fictional parents who you admired most in the comments.

10. Sojiro Sakura
Persona 5
When you first meet Sojiro, he’s a stern and almost cold character.  He doesn’t like you and makes no secret of the fact that he sees having to watch over you as a burden.  However, as the plot unfolds you realize that there is a caring man, who has a secret.  He has been caring for the daughter of a dear friend who passed away a long time ago.  The girl is a shut-in and he desperately has been trying to be a good dad while also respecting her very strict boundaries.  But once she is able to come out from that shell, their bond becomes just that much more apparent, since he can finally be a doting father figure to a child who has had a very hard life.  Stern, yet compassionate.  A Japanese father to a fault.

9. Peter (last name unknown)
Animorphs
The father of one of the main characters, Marco, he is one of the most interesting literary parents.  His wife died a long time ago, and he has been looking to move forward with his life ever since.  This has caused more than a little strain between him and his son.  What I like most about the character is the fact that they show him to be human.  Very much so.  He’s lonely, and wants to be able to move forward from losing his wife.  Now, granted there is more to what’s going on with his wife, which makes Marco even more unhappy about how his father is trying to move on, but Peter doesn’t know that and so his son is trying not to hold it against him.  When you finally see the two of them bonding, it feels genuine.  Not the most dynamic character, but a human one all the same.

8. Lieutenant Colonel Griswald
Recess
A military man through and through, and father to Gus Griswald, the Lieutenant is probably the most stern character on this list.  He talks to his son as if he is one of the men under his command, and does have high expectations of him.  However, there are numerous times in the episode where you see him genuinely care for him and even go out of his way to help him in whatever way he can.  The fact that his son wants to follow in his footsteps as a soldier constantly makes him proud, along with the fact that he is loyal to his friends.  Again, not the most dynamic character but having known a few Army brats growing up, this makes me think of them.  One of them had a really shitty dad, but another had one who reminded me of the Lt. Colonel.

7. Hank Hill
King of the Hill
Hank is the quintessential typical American dad.  He’s conservative as all get-out, has no understanding of his son or the world he lives in, and constantly sees the youth culture as strange and disconcerting.  But despite all that, he is still a strong family man.  Not only does he constantly try to be a good husband, but he tries to be a good father too.  There are a lot of moments where he looks after Bobby despite not understanding the first thing about him and the world he lives in.  At the end of the day, him and the family can bicker and argue, but they’ll still have a grilled steak, so long as the grill uses propane.

6. Jack Foreman
Prey
A stay-at-home father who is trying to get used to the dynamic he is living in, all while battling his sense of uselessness and his growing sense of ownership over the home and the relationship with the children as his wife is growing more and more distant.  Jack is a fantastic father.  Not only does he make sure the house runs smoothly, he goes out of his way to try and be understanding of his wife’s situation with her increasingly demanding job.  However, when he gets involved in his former employer’s situation in the desert, and things are looking their worst, the first thought he has is to protect the children that he left behind.  The book ends with him taking radical steps in order to protect them, but he’ll do whatever it takes.  So loyal that he fights against forces so radically overpowering in order to keep what he has waiting for him safe.  Naturally he’s from my favorite book.

5. Bryan Mills
Taken (the first one, not the shitty sequels)
This character is probably the most loyal father ever.  A former CIA badass who ends up retiring so he can try and reconnect with his daughter.  However, when she is kidnapped by Algerian sex-slavers, he will stop at nothing to secure her freedom.  He’ll attack cops, shoot the wife of a former ally, even torture a man by electrocuting him until the power shuts off just to make a point.  Bryan is a no-nonsense, do not fuck with me dad, and has years of “specific set of skills” to prove it.

4. Victor Sullivan
Uncharted (series)
Sully has no children of his own.  However, as you learn in Uncharted 3, one day he happened upon a little punk in Spain who he took under his wing.  That punk just happened to be Nathan Drake.  What came from that was a relationship of two career criminals who just happened to rob the artifacts of ancient empires in order to sell them and live the good life.  Sully is crass, suave, a complete man-whore with all the talent to be cool as fuck while doing it.  He also has no problem using a gun. The scene where he tells Nate that he always saw him as the son he never had was pretty touching.  No matter how he may not have been the best father figure, he is Sully, and that’s all he’ll ever need.

3. Ethan Mars
Heavy Rain
Bryan Mills would kick whoever’s ass to keep his daughter safe, but Ethan Mars is a bit on the different spectrum.  After a moment of losing track of his first son led to him being tragically killed in a car wreck, Ethan and his wife are separated and he is a little overly protective of his younger child.  So when the Origami Killer steals him, Ethan is now in a position where he will do whatever it takes in order to keep him safe.  Even if that means complying with the increasingly-twisted demands of the killer, like to cut off one of his own fingers.  It’s horrifying, but when you see him weather it in order to get his child back, it makes you want to fight even harder to make sure it happens.

2. Maes Hughes
Fullmetal Alchemist
Probably the most doting father on this list, Hughes attachment to his little girl is more than a little insane.  And he makes sure that every single person around him is forced to suffer through it at all hours.  However, underneath that there is an incredibly intelligent investigator who is not only looking to keep his family safe, but also his best friend Roy Mustang.  When he happens upon a truth so horrible that it threatens to destroy everything, he rushes out without hesitation to confirm it.  But in the end, that determination to dig up the truth is what gets the better of him.  The enemy becomes the one thing that he can’t raise a weapon to – his wife.  A good man, a loving father, and a tragic end.  He is pretty awesome like that.

And my favorite fictional dad is…

1. Joel
The Last of Us
While the relationship he had with his daughter Sara is a profoundly beautiful and tragic relationship, we don’t get much chance to know them.  It’s his relationship with his companion Ellie, who becomes his surrogate daughter, that is the one I want to talk about.  Joel is a survivor.  After Sara is tragically killed, he has 20 years for his heart to harden to ice.  But when this teenage girl comes into his life, and goes out of her way to try and bond with him and reach him on a personal level, he finds that ice melting away.  Eventually, he grows to see her as his own child, and will stop at nothing to keep her safe.  To the point that when he finds out the only way to get Ellie’s immunity into a form where it can be made a vaccine would kill her, he sells the ENTIRE human race up the river to save her life.  A cold, calculating, kind of monstrous person, Joel finds his humanity again in that little girl.  When you hear him telling her unconscious body the things he said to Sara and he ran with he, it makes the situation that much harder.

Who are all of your favorite fictional fathers?  And to all the dads out there, Happy Father’s Day

Until next time, a quote,

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that bullshit.” – Joel

Peace out,

Maverick

Really Good Bad Advice Number Four

It’s that time of year.  I’m tired, bored, and wanting to exert my inner asshole on people who are trying to get help and don’t understand that coming to online advice columns is the stupidest thing in the world, because why on Earth are you airing out your dirty laundry on the Internet?  I have no idea, and pathetic people are fun enough for me to make sport of.  So let’s have ourselves some fun and intercept this question asked by someone and answer it ourselves!  This should be fun.

Dear person who actually wants to help me and not be a dick,

Recently, at a family gathering, I overheard my father-in-law ask my oldest to grab him a “beer” from an ice chest.

My father-in-law is not in the best of health. He is overweight, drinks a lot and to add to it many in my husband’s family are heavy alcohol drinkers.

I tend to avoid these parties with my children when alcohol is involved. Growing up, I was never asked to grab a beer for my father or for any other adult. My children, or any child under the age of 21, should not be touching alcoholic beverages.

I’ve expressed my concerns to my husband, but he just brushes it off and says I’m overreacting, He also says that as a child he too would grab a beer from the fridge for his father and it didn’t bother him.

Am I overreacting, because this does not feel normal to me. Since my husband has no intention of letting his father know how I feel, I need your advice on how I should approach this the next time it happens. — Mom in Montana

We live in this world where people get weirded out about the weirdest shit, don’t we?  Does this woman think that if the kid is exposed to grabbing a beer for someone that they are going to magically be like, “you know what I want to do?  Drink that beer!”  I was a kid, tried some beer, and I still think that beer tastes like piss.

Why are parents now so terrified of their children being exposed to anything?  I mean, do we honestly believe that children are going to become alcoholics by transitive property?  Like that bit in American Dad where Steve is able to rationalize him touching boob by stating that he touched a girl’s hand, and that her hand has touched her boob, so therefore he was also able to touch boob.  That’s how ridiculous this is.  How can a woman who has a child honestly believe that the kid is somehow going to attain an addiction to booze just because this kid fetched the old man’s beer for him?  I’ve fetched drinks for my parents many a time.  Hell, I have been strong-armed into buying my mother smokes.  Does that mean that I have a smoking problem?  Nope.  I would partake of the green herb more (it’s legal in my state, so bite me), but I don’t have money for luxuries like that.  Poverty sucks.

Guess I should actually answer this lady’s question.  I am the king of tangents, aren’t I?  Lady, you are overreacting.  Parents have kids to make them do shit for them.  Why get up and get things when you can have the child do it for you?  A kid grabbing beers for your apparently booze-addled, unhealthy family isn’t going to affect him.  Tell you what, if you want to turn the kid off of booze, tell him to have a sip.  Trust me, since I am sure that it’s cheap American beer that your family drinks, it will work like a charm.

Some people, man.  We live in the age of perpetual wussiness.  I feel for the next generation that is going to grow up in this environment.

Until next time, a quote,

“Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.” – Bruce Lansky

Peace out,

Maverick

We are Robbing Children of Their Childhood (A Respone to New Republic Magazine)

Another more positive response, but not a positive post.  I came upon another article in a publication that I really enjoyed, and it also got me to think.  This article was called “In Defense of the Wild Child,” and talked about how children who don’t fit in and don’t get into this little mold that society wants for them are being given the shaft by the world.  Like the article by Taibbi, this one also got my emotions mixed up on it, because I have strong feelings about this subject.

See, it isn’t the little stuff that freaks me out.  I may be scared of my own student loans, but that is on a personal level.  I may have strong feelings about lots of stuff having to do with how stupid this country is and how stupid it is being made.  But the thing that actually scares me, legitimately gives me pause in a big way and makes me worry in more than just a superficial sense is – we are robbing our children of their childhood.

Part of me wonders when this happened.  I can say with security that I was at the cusp of it during the 90’s, when I was growing up.  I remember how parents were absolutely terrified that the future of the world was going to be this place of sex, violence and debauchery everywhere they looked.  Part of me thought that that was awesome.  Anarchy is always cool to children.  Or at least, it was in my day.  Kind of still is to me.  I admit that.

But now, I look at some of the things that are out there, and I’m frightened.  I remember seeing an article in a parenting magazine that I was shelving at work (I admit to skimming through some of the publications when they catch my eye. 😛 ) and seeing an article that talked about how there are some preschools that have entrance exams.  I’m not even shitting you, kids who are 4 or 5 years old are being forced to take tests to get into something they do before school!  What’s more, this magazine was very much in support of it.  It made it seem like this is something that all parents should be for.  And when I read that, I was terrified.  We have parents who are taking this stuff seriously!  We have people in this country who think that this is a good thing!  What the fuck?!

Children these days are being given a message that frightens me.  The article talked about how kids were being given an education system now that reinforced a message of being able to fit into the group, not going against authority figures and having a system of punishment that internalizes this message.  The idea being – if they were given a mentality that they should fit in and not fitting in is bad, they would work hard to fit into the mold and chastise themselves if they didn’t.

This idea is toxic on so many levels.  First, why is it that parents are now seeing their children’s natural behavior as wrong?  The statistics on how many young children are being prescribed drugs like Ritalin is mind-boggling.  Little kids being fed narcotics so that they don’t act like children.  This is due to an over-diagnosis of ADHD (the biggest con-job played on parents), along with it’s younger brother, ADD.  Parents are now sending small children to therapists, actual therapists, because they might have some kind of mental disorder.  The article talked about a woman who was told that her kid needed to see a therapist because they couldn’t sit cross-legged.  Apparently, almost every parent of a student in the class had been told that.

The next reason that this is toxic – why are we telling our kids that they need to be just like everyone else?  Talk about at toxic message.  For people who actually care why culture in this country is dead, it all boils down to that problem – we want our kids to be conformists who do like everyone else does and don’t have any passion.  We want them to be mindless drones that have no sense of self.  Is it any wonder that books like Twilight and films like Transformers became popular?  They are works that are bland, marketable and don’t rub anyone’s feathers the wrong way.  Art in this country is dead.  Culture in this country is dead.  We have no identity as a nation anymore because everyone is too busy seeing what new iPhone or other gizmo is coming out.  Creativity has become so rare that video games are showing up Hollywood.

The last reason that this is toxic is because so much of a child’s growth is about them finding a personal voice.  When they learn about who they are, have the freedom to grow as a person, that makes them well-adjusted.  They are able to find their niche in the world.  For kids growing up, this is especially important, because a niche is a good thing to have.  I remember in high school, I got to see the most of this message in real time.  I remember that there were two major groups in high school – people who loved school and loved being like all the rest (shallow, boring, hating schoolwork and intelligent thought), and those who didn’t.  Those who didn’t love it were outcasts.  I was lucky in high school that I collected the outcasts.  Being something a titan, who is already viewed as a freak by most, I was able to get the outcasts to come into my inner circle.  They had a place with me.  It didn’t make me any friends among the overwhelming majority, but whatever.  Fuck ’em.  It’s ironic that you never really leave high school.  College and jobs are just like it, in most respects.

So the question that is left in my mind is – why is this becoming the status quo?  Why are people doing this?  To me, it boils down to two reasons.  The first is – teachers don’t want to get sued.  Lawsuits have become a weapon of greedy, lazy and vindictive parents who want to punish the world for challenging their poor little angel.  After all, they have their all-important self-esteem to think about, right?  Yeah, that’s important.  The self-esteem movement is the worst thing to happen to this country.  When we start thinking that telling a kid that he sucks is a bad thing (even when he or she obviously does), we are going to make children into emotional little idiots.  So, since kids are now able to run to mommy and daddy anytime their teacher hurts their feelings, and the parents can run to the court, making that school pay for making their precious little angel (idiot) cry, then they are going to try and find a way around this.  You can’t do shit to a kid anymore without getting in trouble.  Ironically, this works against parents too.

The second reason is because of the country we live in.  America has become something of a champion of conformity.  I mean, look at what our corporations market.  We market things that are safe, uncomplicated and parent-approved.  Hannah Montana, Justin Bieber, One Direction, all things that they don’t have to think too much about, don’t have to worry about and are totally safe for their children.  They do this because the corporations who sell this crap are money-grubbers, just like most corporations.  We are a nation that now champions not challenging authority.  A dangerous thing that is most definitely going to bite us in the ass.

In fact, it already is, in a lot of ways.  When you raise an entire generation to not think, what do you think the end result is going to be?  It’s going to be just that – an entire generation who doesn’t think.  An entire generation who looks to you for leadership and won’t be able to survive on their own.  We feed them drugs as children and then feed them anti-depressants as teenagers to counteract the lack of self-worth that they develop as children, which is compounded by teenage angst.

And when they are thrown into a cruel and uncaring world, not prepared for what is to come, who are they going to have to blame?  Why, you, of course!  It is 100% your fault!  I hope you’re proud.

Until next time, a quote,

“Yeah, it’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for ya.  That’s what you have to remember as you go through life in this country – it’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for ya.”  -George Carlin

Peace out,

Maverick

The Lost Generation (A Response to Time Magazine)

A recent issue of Time Magazine had a cover article called “The Me Me Me Generation: Millienials who are lazy, entitles narcissists who still live with their parents.  Why they’ll save us all.”  It was written by Joel Stein.  Now look, I am the first who will say that there are a ton of the people who this man is describing.  Lazy, entitled narcissists.  It has been rather easy to point at our generation and make insults.  The older generations seem very stead fast in their desire to make themselves feel good by insulting people like me.  A curious trend, to be sure.

But something that gets lost among the talks about how pathetic my generation is is one simple fact – you made us this way.  I am about to do something that is 100% mean-spirited.  I am going to put this in front of the party who is responsible for what has happened to us.

I was raised with during a time when every kid was being told that they were the absolute best that they could possibly be.  I’m not talking in the self-assuring and kind ways like Mr. Rogers used to do.  I mean where self-esteem is being shoved down our throat.  We are made to think that we are the most important thing in the room.

I remember when I was a kid, I played soccer.  Was never very good at it.  I just couldn’t help kicking that ball as hard as was humanly possible.  Nailed a couple of kids in the face with it.  I was a titan back then as well.  But something I noticed – every kid who played got a medal.  Just for playing.  What?!  The reality was that our team sucked.  We almost never won a game, and when we did, it was treated about the same as if we had lost.  We were playing to win, but our coaches didn’t seem to notice that.  We were being told how good we were, even when we weren’t.  This fact did not escape my notice, even as a kid.

The mantra that I was given, growing up, was that we are all totally super and never to feel bad.  It was given to every kid.  Our education system pandered to it (though I suspect more to avoid getting sued than for the student’s sake) by making our education standards more and more lax, with teachers not calling out kid’s mistakes.  We were never given harsh criticism.  I remember that the most harsh criticism I had of my work in school came from myself.  The only reason that I didn’t do as well as I should have in high school is because I didn’t care.  The education itself was a joke, so I saw no reason to get invested in it.

Every kid goes out into the world, thinking that we already rule the place.  You don’t think that that would make us a little bit entitled and narcissistic?  Don’t kid yourselves.  But what is out there to greet us?  What bright future does my generation get to look forward to, since it is clearly your generation who still has control of this country?  Well, we have overwhelming levels of unemployment (and don’t quote statistics at me.  Those are done from the people who are designated as ‘unemployed,’ with the unemployment offices of America.  There is a massive gap of people who don’t have a job, but don’t qualify) and the job market is so tooth and claw, with there being almost no economic mobility for the lower classes, that most of my generation is going to languish in poverty.

Again, I am going to be more than a little harsh – this is your fault.  You raise kids to think that the world is such an awesome place and that they are so great, but when they get out into it, what do they find?  A world that is harsh, unforgiving and doesn’t give a crap about the fact that they are struggling. Is it any wonder that the rates of depression and suicide have gone up as much as they have?  Especially when you look at how quickly kids are being thrown into adulthood.  Seems like kids can’t even enjoy being kids anymore without having to worry about their future.

The most interesting parts of America and how utterly ugly the economic and social future of the nation is looking is that my generation is, in a way that the Boomer generation who is now old has totally taken for granted, taking a subtle revenge.  We aren’t having kids.  A lot of my generation is smart enough to read between the lines.  It’s impossible to survive on the salary of an entry-level job these days.  Heck, it is getting harder and harder to survive on upper-level position salaries for somebody who isn’t employed as an accountant.  So, we are playing it safe.  Fewer and fewer of my generation is having kids, and when they do, it is in fewer amounts.

You know what this means for the generations who mock us?  A lot of things, and all of them bad.  It means that when you get old, there won’t be people to replace you in a lot of ways.  With less people, we will have a lot of the same problems that a lot of 1st-world European countries and Japan are having.  It means that when you get old, and need somebody to take care of you, there may not be so many of us around to do that, even if the pay is nice.

And, like I said, you have nobody to blame but yourselves.  Mean?  Yes.  True?  Absolutely.

Until next time, a quote,

“Youth is wasted on the young.”  -Oscar Wilde

Peace out,

Maverick

How to be a Career Mother

Well, you are at that age, ladies.  Your biological clock is ticking, so you think to yourself – I am going to have that perfect child!  That child who will make all the other mothers in your neighborhood jealous.  The child who is perfect in every single way!  Good for you.  And now, I will tell you exactly how you can make this amazing dream come to fruition.

1. You are the smartest person in the entire world and don’t you forget it!
You have read every single book about how to be the best mother ever!  You have taken classes, watched educational films and talked to the leading experts.  Armed with this knowledge, you know exactly what to expect from your future child and you are ready to show it how to behave in this world!  Now, there will be people who will question this unrivaled intellect, like the kid’s teachers, your doctor and your neighbors who have the awesome kids who you are trying to surpass.  But they are idiots!  Who cares how much they are with your child and how good their education is?  Clearly they don’t have your amazing level of perception and knowledge about being a parent.

2. Your child is a genius, no matter what anyone says
Since you are going to be the perfect parent, you have been  already preparing for the absolute genius that your child will be.  You played Mozart for it when it was growing inside of you.  Your child is going to be the most absolutely amazing kid ever. I mean, sure, it does stupid things like try and eat its blocks, but that’s totally normal.  Didn’t you hear when your baby spoke German!  Most people who heard that said that it was what babies say, but you know better.  It was German.  Your baby is the smartest baby in the world!  Einstein would have a run for his money.

3. Don’t let your child do what they want
It is only natural that you impose all of your desires and dreams on to your kid.  Sure, they may not like doing it, but hey, they’re just a kid!  They’re too stupid to know what they’re doing anyway.  I mean, so what if they are supposed to learn and grow in a totally organic way that lets them find their passions?  That’s stupid!  Children should be required to be the host for all the failed dreams that their parents had.  I mean, what’s the point of having kids if you can’t live through your youth through them?  And don’t listen when they are sad and want to do something else.  Like I said, they’re kids.  Just stupid kids who should defer to you for everything.  Kids know nothing, except what you tell them.

4. Never, ever let your child have free time!
Free time leads to all sorts of awful things!  They might not be preparing for their schoolwork!  After all, if they don’t get a jump-start on the best preschools, then they won’t get into a good elementary school.  And then, they won’t get into a good middle school!  Then, they won’t get into a good high school!  And then, colleges won’t want them!  And finally, they’ll end up in a gutter or jail!  Yeah, best if you just keep them on a short leash and control all the free time that they have.  It’s only safe.

5. Control every single aspect of their lives
Remember how we said that your kid would be lost without you?  Well, this means that you have to make absolutely sure that there isn’t a single thing in your child’s life that isn’t FIRMLY under your control.  When they play, when they see their “friends” (we all know that a child’s best friend is their mother), what they watch, what they eat.  When they are were a baby, you had to control everything they did.  So why shouldn’t the rest of their childhood be the same?  It is only safe.  In fact, if you watched your kid constantly, that would probably be the best.  Never let them out of your sight.  You must always be there for if anything goes wrong.  Oh, and while we’re on the subject…

6. If something goes wrong in their life, it is everybody else’s fault
There might be days when you get a call from your child’s school.  They will say things like your child isn’t doing very well, gets into fights or just isn’t good at the work.  Well, rest easy, perfect mother.  For you can be rest-assured that it isn’t your amazing child’s fault.  There are the incompetent teachers, for one thing.  They spend all day looking after kids.  So naturally they are not able to see how amazing your child is and cater to their needs.  Then there are the other idiot children who didn’t have amazing mothers like you.  They are on the level of wild animals!  And then there is the absolutely awful television!  Make sure that you never, ever suspect that your child might have done wrong, or that you have somehow failed.  It is the rest of the world’s fault.

7. Constantly tell them that they are wonderful and can do no wrong
Since you are the perfect mother, you have naturally raised the perfect child!  This kid will be the perfect athlete, a genius on the level of Einstein and is friends with every single person.  And you must remind them of this constantly.  If they aren’t first at something, make sure that they know that they are also a winner.  Because if they realized that they lost, well, you saw the causal chain above, didn’t you?  Yes, this is the best thing to do.

So, did you get all that?  Well, hopefully you did.  Now you can go out and make the world’s most amazing child!  And remember, since your child will have a completely sheltered life, which won’t prepare them for the real world, you will have them with you for a long time.  Like the rest of your entire life.

Think about it.

Until next time, a quote,

“That’s what you have to remember as you go through life in this country – it’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for ya.”  -George Carlin

Peace out,

Maverick