The Witcher Novels vs The Rings of Power on Racism and Colonialism

It seems that Amazon’s vaunted series Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power is out, and I haven’t watched it myself.  There was a thing telling people not to hate watch it, and I stuck to it.  So, when I was hearing from media critics that the biggest issue with the first two episodes is the characters, and the fact that there is about 10 minutes worth of plot in two hours, I can’t say that I was entirely surprised.  But there is one scene that’s been making the rounds lately on Twitter.  It’s one where a black elf goes into a bar and is talking to a patron to get information.

When he arrives there, he is accosted by a young human, who uses an insult that is lifted straight out of the Dragon Age franchise and call him “knife-ears.”  You know, because modern writers are so creatively bankrupt that they literally have to lift the terminology straight from video games because looking at the source material and how people talked there is really hard.  Hell, the first season of Star Trek: Picard ripped plot details straight out of the ending to Mass Effect 3.  I love that Hollywood is so creatively bankrupt that they are cheating off their competition.  That’s kind of adorable.

We then get a lecture from the elf which is so on the nose about racism that it might as well have a 4th wall break to lecture the audience.  Subtlety and nuance is really hard for people too.  I watched that scene clip someone had posted, and I thought to myself – man, this makes me think (again) to the books that the Witcher series is based on.  There, we got this amazingly nuanced look at the concepts of racism and colonialism in a completely nuanced way that didn’t talk down to the audience.

See, the elves in that world are mad at the humans.  When Ciri sneaks away from the dwarves caravan the two are traveling with, she sees some elves stalking through the forest.  Geralt catches up to her and makes her stay down.  The two observe the elves.  He tells her a story, about how the elves had once been a very peaceful people in this continent.  However, when the humans arrived, they were first greeted with open arms.  It was a pretty alright relationship, for a time.  But there was a problem – the humans breed like rabbits.  They would need more and more territory.  They spread everywhere.  They also had a penchant for using force to get their way.  The elves didn’t realize until it was too late when the humans decided that they were done dealing with the elves’ shit and were going to take what they wanted by force.

The older elves were too aware of the fact that fighting a war with the humans was a lost cause.  There were simply too many of them, armed and ready.  However, the younger elves and dwarves decided that they were going to fight.  It resulted in a war that was as short as it was disastrous.  So many young elves were killed that it was looking like their species was in peril.  Faced with the end of their existence, and the increasing prejudice of the humans, the elves and certain sects of dwarves banded together and created a force called the Scoia’Tael.  This force started to fight a guerrilla war against the humans in the Northern Kingdoms.  As the expansionist empire of Nilfgaard to the south was looking to take the Northern Kingdoms into themselves, they decided to unofficially ally with the Scoia’Tael.

What followed from this was an uneasy alliance where the elves were basically being pushed by their Nilfgaardian comrades to let loose their fury and violence against the entirety of the Northern Kingdoms.  Thus, we saw that the elves were able to be just as violent and savage as the humans that they hated so much.  This in turn had the Northern Kingdoms hate them right back.  It was became an ugly cycle.  The lesson here is that history and colonial aggression is never as simple as “X group oppressed Y group and thus, Y group is the victim!”  Y group is just as capable of being a violent monster.  The war between the elves and the humans had causes on both sides, and both sides were helping to perpetuate it.

Do you see the nuance there?  Do you see the subtlety?  It’s so refreshing to read about something that is as heavy as racism and colonialism and see it handled with a deft hand.  But that’s something that modern entertainment is intellectually incapable of doing.  Indeed, the idea of them using a deft hand when talking about something that is complicated is asking WAY too much.  Nope, instead, they have to dumb it down.  Because that’s America for ya – if it’s smart, we actually can’t handle it.

I am not against “woke” concepts in media.  I’m really not.  I’m not against films and shows that actually look at concepts like racism and colonialism in a serious way.  It’s a serious thing, and it does deserve to be talked about.  But why, oh why, is modern media absolutely INCAPABLE of talking about this without making it something that completely black and white?  These issues are always in shades of gray.  Like anything ugly throughout history.

The story of Nazi Germany’s decimation of the Jews was one of a horrendous document (the Treaty of Versailles) that destroyed the Germany economy after World War I.  Then there was the burning of the Reichstag.  The German people were looking for someone to blame, and Adolf Hitler used that to rally them against a people who have historically been very easy to blame.  It is a tragic tale, but not one where everything is as black and white as people like.  If we are to understand why things like racism happen, then we need to actually look at it seriously.

What we don’t need is more lectures from Falcon about how “you’ve gotta do better, Senator,” or an elf talking about racism.  That’s not talking about it.  That’s making a mockery of it.

Until next time, a quote,

“Witch hunts are never about witches.” – Geralt of Rivia, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power Trailer

In the endless world of taking things that were great and driving them into the ground, part of me is shocked that it has taken so long for Lord of the Rings‘ number to come up.  It just seemed like Peter Jackson made the trilogy untouchable.  Sure, there were the Hobbit movies, and those were fucking awful, but we can look past those for the majesty that was the original trilogy.  Is it perfect?  No.  But given the book series it is based on, the trilogy of films is pretty damn fantastic.  They were able to make a story about the wonders of the journey, while cutting out what wasn’t entirely necessary.  I own the trilogy expanded editions, and it is a joy to watch at home, where I can pause it to use the bathroom when I need.  Still got scars from watching Return of the King in theaters. 

When I first saw the teaser trailer for The Rings of Power, I had the exact same thought about it that I did about the upcoming Disney+ series Willow.  If you took away the title, it would look exactly like any other fantasy franchise.  Nothing about it seemed special.  But now we have a much more in-depth trailer to see.  And…it looks like if you took away the title, it would be exactly like any other fantasy franchise.  This looks so bland.  So vanilla.  So wrote and basic and nothing special.  It’s impressive how boring this looks.  Let’s take a look.

We begin with narration that…doesn’t seem right.  Like, what is this person talking about?  Okay, so the world is young.  Yes, I see the establishment shots that show where Amazon has spent their money in regards to this show.  They got some good CG artists.  Neat.  But, what does that narration even mean?  Not to mention, what are these stone faces carved in the mountains?  And this giant tree that makes me think of Elden Ring?  Do you see what I’m getting at about this all being bland fantasy?  Remember in the trailer for Fellowship of the Ring, how you saw the Mordor language glowing on Frodo’s face?  That really showed off that this world was special.  It got you engrossed, because you wondered what that meant and why it was shining on his face.  This narration makes me think – this better be going somewhere.

Now we get someone new talking about the elves being in forests and dwarves underground and men out in the fields.  Okay.  I can’t help but notice that the choral song in the background is in English.  You could have made this interesting if it was in elvish.  Just saying.  Tolkien made an entire language, syntax and all, for this race.  Why are you not using it?  Would help to sell the setting.

Wait, is that Galadriel in armor?  WHAT?!  No.  She was a witch.  An Elven witch.  She wasn’t some sword-wielding heroine.  Not to mention, why is this elf speaking to her in English?  Again, Tolkien worked REALLY hard to make this language.  Why do you not have these characters using it?  Yes, I’m aware that learning a language is hard, but this is supposed to be a serious production.  Not a Nostalgia Critic skit.  Take away the CG and it kinda feels like it.  Especially with how wooden some of these performances are.

The elves talk of some faceless “enemy.”  Well, given that this takes place in the First Age, it wouldn’t be Sauron.  So, who is it?  Mind giving us something to latch onto?  Again, I think back to the trailer for The Fellowship of the Ring.  You hear Gandalf talk about Sauron and you know that this dude is bad news.  Here, it’s just “the enemy.”  Who?  What are the stakes?  Why do we care?  Why are you speaking English?  Tolkien was a literary genius who created an entire language from scratch.  If you have all these “super-fans” who talk about how amazing this show is, the least you could do is have them use elvish. 

Also, why are the elves in this show looking so young?  I get that elves are immortal and fair, but they don’t look like teenagers.  They look like grown-ups.  Yet every elf I have seen in this trailer looks like they are in their teens.  This is so stupid.  This show looks so bland.  Outside of the effects, this could be the Dungeons and Dragons movie and I wouldn’t tell the difference.  Especially with these performances we are getting.

Oh hey!  We finally have an elf that looks like a grown-up.  But his speech about darkness over “the face of the Earth” (which is wrong!  The elves used the term Middle Earth) is so generic that it could be in any fantasy setting and would be just as fine.  He keeps going that this is a big threat.  What is?  Middle Earth Thanos?!  You have a story taking place in the First Age, where magic was everywhere and you had monsters and demons and giant spiders and all sorts of crazy shit!  Why aren’t you talking about any of this?!  Why are you taking a setting that should be incredible and making it boring?!  This is awful!  This setting is amazing, and you’ve made it into every single novel in the Fantasy section of Barnes and Noble.  Why?!

The montage ends with us seeing some hairy feet, presumably from hobbits.  Neat.  I got nothing to say about this.  It took a setting that is amazing and fantastical and made it boring.  It could be a story about the various forces in the First Age, dealing with a world that is much different than the one we know of from Peter Jackson’s films, and they made it about some vague evil that isn’t clearly defined.  Why isn’t it clearly defined?  Because it is boring, and the people who made this trailer know this, and so they don’t want to spoil that reality and instead just hint and super bad things and put big music over it and hope that it snags you. 

Well, it didn’t snag me.  The trailer for Dune snagged me.  It showed me characters I would get to know and let me know if the dangers of Arrakis.  The trailer for Fellowship of the Ring snagged me.  It showed the ring, let you know that this thing was dangerous, and showed that Frodo was a small man who has a big journey ahead of him.  This looks like every single other trailer I’ve ever seen in anything.  It’s boring.  So yeah, don’t care.

Initial Verdict
Never going to watch it

Peace out,

Maverick

A Mass Effect Amazon Series. Oh F*cking No…

For the longest time, making movies based on video games was box office poison.  In almost every way, it still is.  But then the Sonic The Hedgehog movie was made.  It was a film that actually listened when the fan backlash was immediate over the abortion that was Sonic’s character design.  The company behind it actually took that feedback and remake the entire design from the ground up.  That, combined with some fun action that was in keeping with the character and Jim Carrey apparently doing what he hasn’t done in a long time and play to his strengths and the film was a massive box office success.  From what I’m hearing, Sonic 2 is much the same.  It had a strong trailer opening showing off Knuckles, and the film seems to keep with the same light-hearted tone of the original and not take itself too seriously. 

But those films are a weird little island in the middle of a vast ocean of failed video game films that are STILL made to this day.  There is a new addition to this ocean, though, and it is TV series based on video games.  Heard of the Halo TV series?  Paramount is all over promoting this steaming pile of shit.  Remember all the things you liked about the Halo games?  Well, the devs made sure to say that none of that would be making it into the series, because they didn’t even think about the games when making the series.  And it shows.  Between all the amount of time that we see the Master Chief’s face, to the human who has a position of authority within the Covenant (because that totally makes sense when the reason they were out to destroy humanity was to keep the fact that humanity was the Forerunner’s chosen sapience and that info getting out would have destroyed the Covenant), and that sweet Master Chief Ass (my partner described that as “Planet Earth’s ass!”, as a twist on “America’s ass” from Endgame), not to mention a Chinese female character who is as interesting as sliced bread, it’s a marvel that anything from that universe even makes it to screen.  The series is boring. Each episode is worse than the last, and it feels like Paramount didn’t even try and pretend to learn about the games they are aping off the success of.

HBO has decided to come to the plate with their The Last of Us series.  Oh, but in a surprise to no one, Pedro Pascal said that he doesn’t want his character to be anything like Joel from the actual game.  You know, the game that you’re making a TV series of!  That one!  The guy playing Joel doesn’t want to be like Joel.  Okay!  Man, it really does make you wonder who these shows are made for, if they aren’t for the people who love the games.  Like, if the goal isn’t to imitate those, then what is it they are shooting for?  Who is the audience they are trying to capture?  It just seems so weird to me to give the finger to the fans of the video games and tell them it will be nothing like those when you are making it, right?  Man, thank Groj that they aren’t making a series off something that is near and dear to my heart, like Mass Effect. 

No!  Why Groj!  Why do you do this to me?!  Well, it seems like Amazon has bought the rights to make a series based on the beloved trilogy (or maybe Andromeda?  Yeah, let them make a TV series about that trash game!).  Now, the article you are seeing above basically says that we know nothing about this upcoming series, which is true.  We know Amazon has the rights to it, but it isn’t even in pre-production.  But something is coming.  And to me, that is the ultimate slap in the face.  You had to get your grubby mitts on this?!  You couldn’t just leave well enough alone?!  It’s bad enough that we have Mass Effect 4 coming out!

By the way, that game is going to suck.  Everyone who was involved in the creation of the first trilogy is gone from Bioware.  The new team in charge of making things there obviously is devoid of creativity.  We saw that with Mass Effect: Andromeda and Anthem, and Dragon Age: Inquisition wasn’t that great, either.  With all the production troubles that Dragon Age 4 is going through, it makes me think that Bioware is going to be joining the graveyard of studios that EA bought and ran into the ground.  There’s just nothing left of the glory days of Bioware.  So yeah, that game will suck balls.  It’s not a question of if, just a statement that it will.

Which brings us back to this potential Amazon series.  Amazon?  The same people who decided that their Lord of the Rings series needed to basically be devoid of anything approaching the Tolkien universe?  Or who made their Wheel of Time series and decided to make a village that was separated from the outside world for thousands of years a really diverse place and shit all over the source material?  This is who is going to make the Mass Effect series?  Fucking why?!  I mean, why is it being made, for one thing.  Who asked for this?  For another, how much do you wanna bet, when they do actually get into production, we will get some kind of article where somebody is quoted saying that they decided to not really follow the games that closely?

I remember back in the day, when Netflix took some books that were reasonably popular and made limited run series based on them.  It was a modest success, and they made some neat stuff.  With so many streaming services now, it is hard to stand out from the pack, and in order to do that, they have to find something to get people’s eyeballs to them.  Netflix has cornered the market on live-action anime adaptations (all of which suck, and will suck in the future), so where do they go to get their own claims to fame?  Why, video games!  It has a built-in audience that they can bilk.  Or at least it would, until they shit on the source material and don’t even pretend to be trying to please the fans of the games.  It’s a marvel that companies with so much financial capital are consistently failing to even try and create something that the audience who would watch their stuff on brand recognition alone. 

You almost have to be impressed how companies can blow so much money and not even try to make something good.  It’s a talent, for sure.

Until next time, a quote,

“Because your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should!” – Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONL: Why I Like Game of Thrones More than Lord of the Rings

Before we get started – I am not talking about the books.  Both J. R.R. Tolkien and George R.R. Martin have the same problem in their writing that keeps me from truly enjoying the literature versions – they have LONG and boring descriptions that can go on for page after page.  It is so tiresome to read, after a while.  I respect the literary works for the masterpieces that they are, but the writing style is too stuffy for me.  Instead, I am going to talk about the stories overall, along with the worlds that they inhabit, and why I think the Martin’s creation is more enriching than Tolkien’s.  Keep an open mind, and you might have some thoughts on this as well.

Tolkien made the fantasy genre.  I will give credit where it’s due.  The style that he made, the myth format that he used.  So much of the hero story that we know today came from his books, and so I must admit that Martin followed in his footsteps.  But where Tolkien wanted to tell a story about a hero on a mythical journey, Martin wanted to tell a story about a world.  It’s a tale where there is no true hero, and no true villain.  Well, okay, aside from the White Walkers and their army of the dead.  They are pretty damn evil.  But that still works in the world that they are telling.  It’s a force beyond all others.  A force so powerful and so vile that it can bring this entire feuding world together.

The thing I like most about Game of Thrones is that its fantasy elements are played down quite a bit.  You don’t have the orcs and the spirits.  Sure, there are dragons, but it’s played that the dragons are just animals.  The Dire Wolves, while awesome, are just animals.  Each part of the world has some amazing animals, but they are still just animals.  Part of why I couldn’t get into The Witcher games is because I feel like I’ve seen this all before.  A world of magical animals and magic stuff.  The trolls and chimeras and all of that.  In Martin’s world, the bulk of what is there are just animals.  That’s not to say that there is no magical stuff.

Here’s where I give that Tolkien and Martin got the same idea, and both of them do it well.  Both of them treat magic like it is some secretive thing.  The truth about it is hidden in folklore and superstition.  Magic is treated as something to be feared.  In the world of Game of Thrones, it has ties to darkness, fire, blood, ice, and death.  Those who practice it are shunned by the world at large.  They are seen as those connected to something evil.  To be fair, that’s because a lot of the magic in the series does tie into bad things.  The shadow monster birthed to kill Renly.  The magic the White Walkers use to reanimate the dead (for real, that scene where you see all the dead rise again gave me chills!), the images in the fire.  These things are something to fear.  But magic wasn’t always that way.  You see the Children of the Forest, and how they used magic, along with the First Men, to seal away the White Walkers, and end the Long Night.

But the thing that truly separates Game of Thrones from Lord of the Rings is that the world of the former feels connected.  All of these families, these nations.  The conflicts.  The heroes on all sides.  When you hear the story about Aegon Targaryan and his conquest of the Seven Kingdoms (well, six.  He never did break House Martell), it feels like a story from a world that, aside from the dragons, makes sense.  You see the workings of this world.  The ties that bind people together.  The players and forces in every place, slowly picking away at each other.  You see these forces at work, and it feels like a real place.  Not some magical kingdom where magic things happen, but somewhere that one can feel and touch.

We need more fantasy like this.  Stories where it isn’t always about saving the world.  Where sometimes it is just about surviving day to day.  Where it is about revenge, glory, or finding a home.  So much science fiction has this same problem.  The world is in danger in Game of Thrones, but that danger is understood to be something that is building.  When it blows up, it’s gonna be epic.  I get the feeling that the last season is going to be the War for the Dawn.  The end of the Long Night.  When the White Walkers are destroyed, once and for all.  That will be cool.  But I know that that isn’t where the series will truly end.  It will end by showing how it is still about these people.  The characters we have come to care about.  Tyrion, Arya, Jon Snow (who I am certain we are going to see again.  His part in this story isn’t over), any others.

Lord of the Rings set a standard.  It takes its rightful place as great literature.  But it’s world feels grand and bombastic.  The world of Westeros feels like somewhere that I can see.  This series keeps getting better and better.  I read the wiki and learn the lore surrounding these people.  It’s engaging stuff.  The wait for season 6 is so damn hard.  Part of me hopes that the end of season 7 is when the Wall comes down.  When you see it get blasted open, and the dead spill out.  Talk about a mindfuck!

But that’s just me.  Let me know what you think.

Until next time, a quote,

“I had given up on life, until Varys convinced me you might be worth living for.  If you chop of my head, well, my final days were interesting.”  -Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones

Peace out,

Maverick

Top 10 Plotholes (in things I like)

So, I have bitched and moaned about all the problems I have with other things, but I thought that I would now do a top 10 post nitpicking the hell out of things I like.  Now, I’m not limiting this to any genre.  These are just the 10 plotholes in things I like that got to me.  There is something from almost every genre in here.  I hope you enjoy.

10. The Caretaker’s Array
Star Trek: Voyager
So, the conflict in the first episode set up the entire series to follow about this vessel and its voyage home.  But here’s the thing – all of this could have been avoided.  I do have a large affinity for this show.  It was a show I grew up with.  But at the same time, I have to point out that there would have been an EASY way to avoid the entire mess.  I mean, how did no one think of this?  Janeway had a choice – use the Caretaker’s Array to go back home, or destroy it and bring an end to the experiments being done.  She chose to destroy it, thus stranding her crew across the galaxy from home.  Getting out of this situation would have been so easy.  All she needed to do was leave a torpedo or two in the place with enough time to get back home and make sure that it wasn’t able to be messed with.  Simple, clean and efficient.  I don’t begrudge the main conflict in this series, as I do like it, but I do recognize that despite how good this series was over all, this plot point was a mute point.  They could have fixed this in 20 minutes and been back home chilling with their people.

9. Wishing for More Wishes Rule
Aladdin
If the Internet is good at one thing, it is finding neat ways around rules.  I mean, for real, this should have been the simplest thing in the world to fix.  They show that Aladdin is a smart guy.  He should have seen that getting around the Genie’s rule was easy.  I get that they wanted to make it so that kids would get a good message about not being greedy, along with making a plot point to keep it from getting insane, but still.  All Aladdin needed to do is to wish for the rule about wishing for more wishes to be gone.  Or to wish that he could make more wishes.  This would be so simple, yet he never does it.  And you never see him try, do you?  Think about it – somebody HAD to have figured this out.  Maybe the Genie was just saying it so that he didn’t end up dealing with a God.

8. The Death Star’s Weakness
Star Wars IV: A New Hope
The thing that blows up the most advanced warship in the entire galaxy, with a weapon powerful enough to destroy a planet, is a small hole that it takes only ONE torpedo to destroy?  The plot problems in this are massive.  For one – why did they need to go down that trench?  Sure, it was an awesome and intense scene to watch, but really – why did they need to?  One can move in any direction in space.  So why not just come down from above and send the torpedo directly in?  Wouldn’t have needed the Force for that.  Also, how did NOBODY in the Empire see that this design flaw existed?  Were the contractors secretly with the Rebellion?  Or how about this – why did they move around the planet Yavin?  For real, if they had turned that gun on the planet, you can bet that the Rebel base would have been blasted to pieces.  Along with everything else on that moon.  The explosion force, along with the billions of metric tons of debris would have destroyed everything on the surface, if not ripping the moon apart as well.  It would have made the battle against the Rebel base so much easier.  I love this movie, but this is a glaring problem that I have to point out.

7. Nobody heard you say “Rosebud”
Citizen Kane
Arguably the greatest film of all time, the central plot point of this film was figuring out what he meant when he said this.  But you see very clearly in the scene where he does say it that not one person was in the room with him.  So how did they find out that he said it?  Did somebody have the room bugged?  Actually, this was before the point where we had the kind of bugs that we have today.  Even before the bugs that Nixon used in Watergate.  So how exactly did anyone know that you had said this?  If it wasn’t for the fact that the ENTIRE film is based on this one word, I wouldn’t take that much issue with it.  But yeah, there is no way that people could have heard it, so a bird or something must have told them.

6. How are you not dead?!
Fight Club
I actually do take issue with this ending, because it is so strange and defies what would have biologically happened.  See, in the book, the narrator realizes that he can’t stop Tyler Durden, because they are one in the same.  So, when he sees how insane his other half’s plans are becoming, he decides to take the only logical path he can – he kills himself.  It potentially saves lives and stops his rampage.  In the film, the narrator puts the gun in his mouth, fires, and…he lives.  You see a giant whole in his other half’s head, but not his.  He sounds a little different, and looks hurt, but he isn’t dead.  He stuck that gun in his mouth, pointing it up at his head.  Given the calibur of the weapon he was firing, it isn’t possible that he wouldn’t have been dead.  Now, I get why this was done – Americans hate unhappy endings.  For real, when was the last tragic film that you saw?  But this ending is totally nuts.  There is no way that he wouldn’t be dead from that gunshot.  If you are going to go around the book’s ending, can we not violate the laws of physics?

5. Memory is equivalent exchange?
Fullmetal Alchemist
I love the first series of this show WAY better than the second series.  Brotherhood was an action show, and that took away from what the original series was – a character study.  Edward and Alphonse tried to bring back their mother.  They got all the physical components needed to make a body, then added some of their blood to get her soul back.  But that wasn’t enough.  Edward lost a leg to the exchange, Alphonse lost his whole body.  Edward then lost his arm making a spirit attachment to bond Al’s soul to a suit of armor.  The focus of the series was the two of them trying to get back what they lost.  While there were supernatural elements to the series, like souls and bonding souls, the series did try to stay grounded in science, for the most part.  When Edward is killed, Alphonse gets up, using the fact that his body is now the Philosopher’s Stone to reach into the gate and get Edward’s soul back, along with fixing his body.  He makes the ultimate sacrifice in order to save his brother.  That would have made for a beautiful and tragic ending.  Edward believed that he was going to be the one to fix things for so long that he lost sight of how far down the rabbit hole he had gone.  If it had ended with him making that sacrifice and Edward now having to move on with his life, that would have been an amazing ending.  Instead, they have this REALLY weird exchange that Edward makes to get his brother back – his brother’s memories for his life and body.  When you get down to it, memory is just chemical processes in the brain.  While the soul is a metaphysical concept, it can’t be argued that your mind controls all of your processes.  So how exactly can one’s memory be used as a currency in equivalent exchange?  It makes no sense.

4. Joel’s cover-story
The Last of Us
So, while I love the scene with Ellie confronting Joel about his story and telling him her own story, I have to think – that cover-story was terrible.  No wonder she didn’t buy it.  It makes no sense.  For one thing – if they just left because she wasn’t needed, why would she have been wearing her hospital gown?  He did seem to be in a rush, wasn’t he?  That’s kind of odd, don’t you think?  What’s more, there would have been a FAR more believable cover for this – bandits.  For real, an army of bandits came and attacked, some infected got involved and Joel had to get her out.  When she asks if anyone else got out, he could have said that he didn’t have time to look back, they just had to keep running.  Simple and believable.  Instead, he tells her that they didn’t need her because they had given up on finding a cure.  Like I said, no wonder she didn’t buy it.  I don’t think any kid would.

3. Will and Lyra not being able to be together
The Amber Spyglass
This plothole amazes me.  In one of the most miserably depressing endings of all time, this book ends with the two heroes, Will and Lyra, having to leave each other to go back to their own worlds.  They can never, ever be together again.  Now, the rational makes sense, in a way.  They can’t live in either one’s world because they would start to decay.  But we saw how that problem was able to be circumvented by a man from Lyra’s world who just periodically returned home to get his home world’s energy reboot.  The other reasoning behind why they couldn’t be together was that all the windows that the two of them made had to be closed.  Spectres were coming through and it was tearing the worlds apart.  But Will had the Subtle Knife.  He made a promise to destroy it once the last window was closed, but why not open a new one to Lyra’s world, close all the others and then break the knife?  For real, this would have been so simple.  I mean, it wasn’t like anyone had a gun to his head about this.  He could have lied to them and then done what he wanted to anyway.  So yeah, this plothole is gaping and easy to solve.  And while I do like a tragic ending, not when it is unnecessarily tragic.

2. The Eagles
Lord of the Rings
Yeah, you all knew this was coming.  This is a plot hole that is so massive that one can almost drive a truck through it.  So much of these movies focuses on the fact that the journey to Mordor is hard and will probably kill them.  But then you have these creatures who are massive and can easily carry passengers.  They could have made this problem end in about five minutes.  And I’ve heard all the explanations before.  There is the “well they couldn’t have gotten close because of the evils of Mordor” excuse.  If you see the scene where they are fighting it out with the Nazgul, they seem to be doing pretty well.  And the dragon-creatures that Sauron has don’t appear to be plentiful.  Then there is the “they are Eagle-gods and don’t want to interfere in the affairs of mortals” excuse.  Yeah, that’s why they have interfered plenty of times before.  So that excuse means nothing.  This is a plothole that I have to expose because as much as I love these movies, it is massive.  There are some awesome YouTube videos that have made fun of this.  My personal favorite was the video from How It Should Have Ended.  So yeah, this is nuts.

And the worst plothole in something I like is –

1. The Mass Effect 3 Ending (Everything from when you get back to Earth)
Mass Effect 3
Where do I begin?  For starters – how did the Citadel get to Earth?  I didn’t know it could move.  And the entire ending of this game came down to three possibilities, each with unimaginable power involved.  But before we get to them – how did the destruction of the Mass Relays not kill everyone?  The extended cut takes away the explanation for that, which is better than it was before.  But for real, each option uses the powers of the Mass Relays to bounce off of.  What’s more, each of these makes the Mass Relays explode.  How did everyone survive?  If they were all trapped in the Sol system, how did the Turians and Quarians survive?
But now we get to the big ones.  The different endings.  First, let’s look at the destruction ending.  Why are you shooting at the tube?  When in the history of any device has shooting it caused it to work?  Why are you walking toward the tube?  It’s clear that it is going to explode.  You can clearly see that it is going to explode.  So why walk toward it?  Then there is the control ending.  How can your ephemeral spirit control the Reapers?  Talk about pseudo-science.  But the worst of all, betraying all laws of logic is the Synthesis ending.  This ending literally is impossible.  There is no possible way that a wave of green light is able to merge all organic and synthetic life.  Plus, if you really think about this ending, you have condemned all of humanity to a nightmarish hell.  Think about it – all the husks are given intelligence and are made partly organic.  Moreso than they already were (another plot hole).  So you are basically turning all the of the synthetic zombies into creatures that can understand how horrific their lot in life is.  You are also turning all organic life into machines.  That ending is literally impossible.
But the worst part about this ending, all the endless plotholes aside is that there is a plothole that everyone missed when talking about how bad this ending is, that came to me – how did you beat Sovereign?  Think about it – if the AI system that controls all Reapers exists on the Citadel, controlling them all from there, how could you have possibly stopped Sovereign in the first game? Better yet – why did they need Sovereign anyway?  Why couldn’t the AI program have opened the Mass Relay into Dark Space?  The plot twist at the end is so bad that it actually invalidates every single thing you did throughout the entire series because it makes everything make no sense.  Not to mention that my mission on Rannoch, reuniting the Geth and Quarians, proved that every single thing that hologram kid said was bullshit.  But you can’t argue with him.  You can’t say that he’s wrong.  Instead, you just have to go with it and nothing you choose matters.
It is telling that I felt so much more closure from the Citadel DLC than I did from the ending of that game.  I spent most of that DLC just shooting the shit with my people and getting to enjoy the bonds that I grew throughout three games.  That is the kind of ending that I wanted.  But everything after I reach Earth is boring.  Nothing I did before matters.  The armies I raised are immaterial.  It means nothing.  It all comes down to three choices that have no real weight because they have no genuine consequences.  What’s more – when I was with Liara through the series, I then see her having gotten with Samara.  Didn’t carry the torch for me long, did you?
I love Mass Effect.  I love that universe.  You made a game series where I could see my choices play out and know that I caused the events to unfold, good or bad.  You made a game series that had me grow relationships and grow bonds of friendship that are beautiful and worth fighting for.  But in the end, not one bit of it mattered.  I get to the final battle on Earth and I just don’t care.  I knew it was bad, but when I saw the true extent of how bad it was, I stopped caring.  My choices didn’t matter and my final actions were meaningless.  So many people say that they accept it because of it being “artistic” and “open to interpretation,” but the truth is that they just can’t do anything now, and are forced to live with it.  With it being all-but-confirmed by this point that this series is going to continue, I can’t force myself to get the next game.  I just don’t have that left in me anymore.  Bioware, you fucked up.  A pity that you couldn’t just admit it.  And future games aren’t going to make this better.  You can only make it worse.

So, what plotholes did you notice in the things that you like?  I’ve already taken myself to task.  Now I think you should too.

Until next time, a quote,

“What people need to realize is that we aren’t nitpicking the problem.  What we’re nitpicking is the fact that we noticed it at all.”  -Doug Walker

Peace out,

Maverick

Top 10 Best Book-to-Film Adaptations

Most of the books that are made into movies suck.  Horribly.  Hollywood has decided to spit in my face by not only sodomizing one of my favorite books, World War Z, but by deciding to turn it into a film franchise.  Fuck you, Hollywood.  But occasionally, there are some adaptations that do the source material justice.  Now, I’m not going to judge this by how much I liked these adaptations.  I am going to judge this by how true they stayed to the source material, while still making a good product.  That’s not to say that they couldn’t take liberties.  I just mean staying true to the essence of what their material is about.  If you don’t agree with my list, or have books of your own that you want to put on, hit me back in the comments section.  Alright, here we go…

10. Jaws
Novel by Peter Benchley, film directed by Steven Spielberg
This is a film that strayed a LONG way away from the source material, content-wise, but it still stayed very true to what this was about.  The original novel had a larger focus than the film.  In addition to trying to deal with the shark, Chief Brody was also investigating the corruption that was leading to those in charge of the town putting the people of that town in danger.  There was also a sub-plot of Brody’s wife, who had come from wealth, but now we living a very plain life with her husband.  She had regrets about leaving and wants back.  The film kept the story smaller, focusing on Brody and his battle against the shark, along with trying to keep the town safe.  The effects are dated, and they REALLY took liberties with the ending, but it is still a solid film that gives the source material its due.

9. Jurassic Park
Novel by Michael Crichton, film directed by Steven Spielberg
Another Spielberg film, this one strayed VERY far from the source material.  The book was hardly a monster story, even though it did have its share of gruesome deaths.  It was more about the science (as most Crichton books are), a serious examination of what happens when man takes technology too far, without understanding what it is capable of.  The film had some issues, but overall, it is a great monster flick that brought CG technology to the big screen in a great way, while also using animatronics in other places to give it realism.  It let us all see the most terrifying creatures ever to walk this planet up close and personal.  An awesome movie, to be sure.

8. The Shining
Novel by Steven King, film directed by Stanley Kubrick
Given how many horrible adaptations of King’s novels there are, this film is a masterpiece.  It takes HUGE liberties with the source material, but it all works.  Kubrick created one of the greatest horror films of all time.  The dark atmosphere and claustrophobic setting work perfectly with the grim tone that the film is trying to portray.  And Jack Nicholson’s performance as he goes insane is just terrifying.  To this day, it gives one chills.  A great film, which did a lot of credit to the author who wrote the book.

7. The Green Mile
Novel by Steven King, Film directed by Frank Darabont
Now, maybe I am going to be alone on this, but I think that this was a REALLY good adaptation of the book.  Of course, the book is hella-long, so a ton of stuff had to be left out, and some of the characters were a little different, but I think that this adaptation was good.  The film stars the late Michael Clark Duncan doing what I think was his best role.  The good-natured by cursed with being able to read people by touch man is sent to death row to be executed for the murder of two young women.  It briefly touched on the racism of the time, had awesome performances by Duncan and Tom Hanks and was pretty intense without having to be bombastic.  Its intensity came from the personal side.  When you hear some of the darker stories that Duncan’s character, John Coffey, tells about his life and how his abilities are a curse.  I thought that this was a really good adaptation, along with being one of my favorite films.

6. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954)
Novel by Jules Verne, film directed by Richard Fleisher
This is a film that has withstood the test of time better than almost all others.  It kills me that this film isn’t getting the respect it deserves today.  I think that the reason that younger audiences don’t know if this film now is that it has the name of Disney attached to it.  With that name, people expect really kid-friendly material.  This film, however, is a a VERY grown-up piece of film-making, with some amazing roles from James Mason, Paul Lukas and Kirk Douglas.  While it deviates a lot from the book, it is still an amazing film to watch, giving this a very respectable take.  As a kid, I thought that this was an awesome movie.  As a grown-up, I like it even more.

5. To Kill a Mockingbird
Novel by Harper Lee, film directed by Robert Mulligan
This is probably one of the greatest films ever made.  Period.  The only reason that it isn’t higher on this list is because I think that other films got the feel of stuff down better.  But don’t think that this film’s designation on my list is reflective of its quality.  This was a daring film to make.  Being released two years before MLK was shot, it was a film that cast a rather ugly look at racism on society and a man’s struggle to be fair amounts to in a society who hates a man just because of his skin color.  John Grisham would do an awesome modern interpretation in his novel “A Time to Kill” (which also had a pretty good movie adaptation of it, if you’re interested), but this novel and this film set a standard for others to follow.  Every role in this movie was flawless.  Every line of dialogue was perfect.  It is one of the few films that comes as close to perfect as is possible in a movie.  It did the source material proud and it is a great film to watch.  Like I said, it isn’t at this spot because of it’s quality.  I just think that other films did the adaptation better.  But for real, if you haven’t seen this movie, please do.  You won’t regret it.

4. The Andromeda Strain
Novel by Michael Crichton, film directed by Robert Wise
When it comes to staying true to the source material, this film arguably did it best.  While it did change a couple of things, like having one of the scientists be a woman instead of a man, it worked very diligently to hold true to the kind of writing that Crichton does – focusing on the science.  Telling the story of a space-born pathogen that gets brought to earth inside of a satellite, this film is cool because it is all from the perspective of a group of scientists inside of a top-secret research facility.  It is all about the human element trying to quickly solve a mystery that could potentially doom the entire human race, all without having contact with the rest of the human race.  While a lot of the effects in this movie are dated, it still holds up due to some awesome acting and the scientific knowledge that gave Crichton his edge when writing this story.  Kudos to Wise for working so hard to stay true to the source material.  If only some other adaptations of his works did so well at that *cough*Congo and Disclosure*cough*.

3. Lord of the Rings
Novels by J.R.R. Tolkien, films directed by Peter Jackson
Just a few years before the first of these movies debuted, this was a series of books that people said that nobody could make into a movie.  People said that it couldn’t be done.  But Peter Jackson rose to the challenge.  While he did take a LOT of liberties with the source material, he made some of the most epic fantasy films of all time.  These films are all amazing, and the fact that the sequels got better and better is a tribute to it.  Normally these movies get worse and worse as time goes on.  This franchise will probably go down in history as one of the greatest adaptations that has ever been done.  So, why isn’t this at the top of my list?  Well, let’s see two reasons why…

2. Fight Club
Novel by Chuck Palahniuk, film directed by David Fincher
This is probably one of the best and worst adaptations of a film that has ever been done.  It’s the best in that it captured the book’s message about how lost, lonely and obsessed western society has become.  But it is the worst in that it takes liberties at the worst time.  The absolute pinnacle of bad liberties is the ending.  In the book, the main character realizes that his alter-ego will never be able to be stopped.  The only way that the madness can be stopped is by killing himself.  Which he does.  In the film, it sets it up like he was supposed to have killed himself, but then, magically, he doesn’t.  How does that work?  You put the gun in your mouth.  You pulled the trigger.  How did this work to have you not die?  I genuinely don’t get it.  But at the same time, this is an awesome movie.  The critical look at how enslaved western society is by the things we own and the world we live in is not only thought-provoking, but it is ugly.  We are a generation who is bred to believe we are destined for greatness, only for most of us to end up being middle-management and a fast food joint of an office.  I genuinely love this film, specifically for how far it goes in looking at the dark side of our existence.  But I do have to credit that there are some pretty major plotholes in the film, done so that the main character can get some kind of redemption.  Yeah…

And the best (in my opinion) adaptation of a book is –

1. Cloud Atlas
Novel by David Mitchell, Film Directed by Lana Wachowski, Tom Tykwer and Andy Wachowski
When I heard that they were making a film adaptation of this book, my first thought was – how on EARTH can they possibly do this without making it a total fuck-up?  The book this film was based on is one of the most complicated books that I have ever read.  The idea that a film could be made out of this and not be a complete disaster was inconceivable to me.  Yet against all odds, they made a film that was a damn-good adaptation.  The best that has ever been done!  This film is not only the best book-to-film adaptation of all time, but one of my favorite films of all time.  The beautiful cinematography, the interconnected nature of the stories and the beautiful thoughts about character were just wonderful.  A lot of people got on this film for this and that, but in my eyes, given what they had to work with, the Wachowski’s did an amazing job and should be proud of doing right by a book that I thought would have been impossible to adapt.

So, what are your favorite adaptations?  Hit me back in the comments sections.  Oh, and if you say The Hunger Games, I will mock you without mercy.  That movie is terrible.  Really terrible.

Until next time, a quote,

“You talk about vengeance. Is vengeance going to bring your son back to you? Or my boy to me”  -Don Corleone, The Godfather

Peace out,

Maverick

Straight From the Horse’s Mouth: Rick Santorum

Well, I have talked about this guy a lot in the past, but I thought that I would offer some quotes and do some straight-up pwnage of Rick Santorum.  He is the latest of the crazy Republicans to be in the top running for the next Presidential race here in America.  And this guy has some AWESOME quotes!  It is absolutely astounding how many pathetic quotes he has.  Some of these are so crazy that they defy comprehension.  I have enjoyed this very much, and I hope all of you do too.

Here’s a quote from Santorum about why he wants to get rid of porn and regulate the internet –

The internet is a powerful source for good.  As we all know, a powerful source for bad in this country.  There are limits that have to be put in place.  Your free speech rights can be incredibly harmful to somebody else.

You gotta admire this man’s balls.  He comes right out and says – free speech is bad!  For real, that’s what he’s arguing for.  He is saying that you getting to have the right to say what you want is a bad thing.  How stupid do you have to be to actually admire somebody like this guy?  For real, where does the admiration of Rick Santorum come from?  It’s not a mystery that the GOP and conservatives hate the First Amendment, but this guy is the first one to come right out and say it!  I love that!  This man has brass balls.  He’s stupid as the day is long, but you gotta admire the brass balls.

I have a couple of quotes that Santorum said about allow LGBT couples to marry and have kids.

Robbing children of something they need, they deserve, they have a right to, you may rationalize that this isn’t true, but you know in your own life and in your own heart that it is true.

What exactly what that arguing for?  For real, did anybody catch it?  It seems to me that he was just arguing for kids to have parents.  That’s the best way that I can put it.  He comes back in the next quote which will clarify his beliefs, but this is stupid.  Because we all know inside of us that gay parents can’t raise a kid (cough*bullshit*cough).  Not to mention, you could say that about anything.  Stalin could have said, “you know in your heart that killing all those millions of people was good!”  Or Hitler could have said, “you know that killing all those Jews was the right thing to do in your heart!”  Anybody could say it!  This man is an idiot.  But his idiocy about gay parenting continues.

Here are his thoughts about the right for gay parents to adopt –

I’m certainly not going to have a law that bans adoption for gay couples (well that’s nice of him), when there are only gay couples in certain states.

So, for those of you not paying attention, Santorum is arguing that there are only gay couples who wants kids in certain states.  I’m sure that states like Texas, Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi, Louisiana and Kansas have no gay couple, right?  Yeah, they are only in liberal states.  Unreal.  I’m with TJ here.  I think that this man doesn’t occupy reality with the rest of us.  He came from Leave it to Beaver Land or The Honeymoonersville.  This guy came from some strange dimension and wants to drag the rest of us there with him.

Here is Santorum citing some anti-poverty expert –

He found that even fathers in jail who had abandoned their kids were still better than no father at all in their children’s lives.

So, let me summarize that for you – Rick Santorum is advocating that any family that doesn’t have a father is wrong.  Lesbian parents, wrong!  Single mothers, wrong!  What makes this especially interesting is that he never talks about single fathers.  I guess kids who only have a dad are good.  So does that mean that Santorum is big on gay men being in their kid’s lives?  Well, if you saw the quote above that, you know the answer.

Next up, he is taking on an especially interesting concept – kids going to college.  This has been a talking point of every President since, probably forever.  Yeah, apparently to Rick, that’s a bad thing.

 The hubris of this President to think that he knows best for you.  This is the kind of snobbery we see from those who think they know how to run our lives.

I’m curious, Rick, when exactly did Obama say that kids have to go to college or they will be villified?  For real, I want to know – when has any Democrat ever told kids that they have to go to college?  What Obama was trying to do in the event you are referencing too is to give kids a way to get into college easier.  What’s wrong with that?  The level if ignorance that this guy has is absolutely astounding.  He think that anybody who wants kids to go to college is a snob!  Wow, how stupid must his children be.  But it keeps going.

Here’s a nifty quote from him about health insurance –

The answer is not what we can do to prevent deaths, because of a lack of health insurance.  I reject that notion completely – that people die in America because of lack of health insurance.

My fellow crusader and free-thinking liberal Lefty on the Left pwned the shit out of this statement, so yeah, I’ll just let him say why it is BS.

Oh, and here is a quote from Santorum about why the Catholic priest abuse scandal was going on (you’re gonna love this) –

Priests, like all of us, are affected by culture.  When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected.  While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America lies at the center of the storm.

Gee, that’s interesting, because here I was thinking that it was the Vatican and their covert protection of rapists that was at the center of this problem.  Since over 5,000 Priests walk around raping boys and getting away with it currently, that would seem to contradict this stupid-ass statement.  I love how Catholics do this.  They make everything about somebody else.  They are like all religious officials – corrupt to the core and trying to play innocent.  It’s not working, Vatican!  Not for the rest of us, you pedophile-protecting scum!

Not to mention, how exactly are the priests affected by liberalism?  God this is so stupid it hurts!  How can this man open his mouth and not realize that all that comes out of it is shit?!  It was conservative priests who were raping these kids, not hippy liberals.

Here is Santorum talking about same-sex marriage being approved in Massachusetts –

This is an issue just like 9/11…

Do I really have to talk about this?  Gay marraige, thousands of people dying.  I would LOVE to see somebody draw me the comparison.  Unbelievable.

But here the greatest quote of all.  The one that shows how stupid Santorum really is.  I hope you enjoy this as much as I did when I first heard it –

As the Hobbits are going up Mt. Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else.  It’s being drawn to Iraq.  You know what, I want to keep it on Iraq.  I don’t want the Eye to come back to the United States.

That was Santorum commenting about the Iraq War.  I’m not even fucking with you.  I wish I was.  Never mind that this is the same BS reasoning that the Republicans have had for years that “we keep the war over there so it doesn’t come here.”  We all know that that is crap.  But where did this come from?  That doesn’t make any sense!  Of all the stupid times to have a pop culture reference, that had to be the dumbest quote ever uttered about something that is actually important!  This was about the war in Iraq!  This is an event that actually mattered to a lot of people.  And he chose to talk about it like this?!

There needs to be a meme made about this, because it doesn’t get any stupider.

Until next time, a quote,

“America please, don’t, don’t let this man run for President.”  -TJ Kincaid, On Rick Santorum

Peace out,

Maverick