Lucien’s First Take: Mulan Official Trailer (2020)

I’ve made very, very clear how much I despise modern Disney.  I’ve described the media as a tired old whore telling you whatever they think will get your click fingers going, but Disney sure isn’t far behind them.  Doing whatever they can to get the maximum amount of money in with the minimum amount of effort.  We’ve seen that with TERRIBLE live-action version of films, each worse than the last.  But it seems that Disney is keen to one-up their shitty movies, and we get to see the dim-witted, dumb-shit millennial audiences who will shell out money to see it because they are nostalgia junkies who need their next fix.  The first trailer dropped, and it pissed me off.  Let’s watch it together, then we’ll talk about it.

 

Oh fucking boy.  Why do people keep seeing this crap?!  Can SOMEONE please tell me what it is that draws you fuckers in to watch this garbage?  That’s not rhetorical.  Someone explain this to me in a way that a pretentious pseudo-intellectual can understand.  All ears.  Lots to talk about.

For starters, we have this scene where Mulan is on a horse, in what is a nice setting of the Chinese countryside.  Okay.  Then we cut to her at home, and it seems the match-maker has already got her hitched.  So the scene where she fucks up the appointment with the match-maker and gets yelled at, only for her father to say that he cares for her for the person she is?  Yeah, guess they cut that out.  Now the dad just says this is for the best and we leave it at that.  What a great way to avoid having a family dynamic and getting to know the characters.  Not to mentions one of the big song numbers.  Given what we see in the rest of the trailer, I have a sneaking feeling there won’t be any actual music in this movie.  Call it a hunch.

Then there is a montage with who I presume to be the match-maker, listing off qualities that a wife should have.  During this montage we see Mulan doing martial arts and practicing with a sword.  Wait, what?  Why is she this really competent warrior already?  In the original film, she wasn’t.  There was no indication she could fight.  Her taking her father’s blade and going to serve in his place was done because she was more scared of him dying than how little she knew.  Part of what made the original film great was how she had to grow.  There was the best song number in that film where we see this fantastic musical and visual montage showing Mulan’s growth for a weak, unskilled newbie and her journey to become a skilled fighter and able to keep up with all the guys.  It’s so weird to me that in a movie that is marketing on girl power, they’re stripping an element from the film that helps show Mulan grow as a character.

The montage continues showing Mulan as she is with the troops and heading into battle.  Um, am I the only one who thinks that she looks feminine was fuck as a guy?  This is why animation works and live-action doesn’t.  Her features betray that she is a woman.  This film is gonna totally lack all suspension of disbelief when she tries to pretend to be a man and nobody notices that she looks like a bad tomboy.  The least they could have done as butch her up a little.  But then you can’t sell girl-power, because then she looks masculine, and that can’t work.

It ends with her whipping her sword around all cool and I guess she ditches the male persona pretty quick in this movie.  Because throughout the whole last bit, she’s looking like a woman again.  As memory serves, that was after she was wounded and her cover got blown.  Guess that scene doesn’t happen in this movie.  Not to mention, where’s the bit with the Imperial City and catching the Mongolians in their plan to ambush the Emperor?  Where’s the scene with her and her chums using skills they honed before to sneak in?  Where’s the scene of the chums in drag?  That shit was hilarious.  I don’t see any chums in this movie.  Guess that would take too many actors, you know, acting.  That’s too much work.

Also, where the fuck is Mushu?  Are they just ditching that?  Did they learn from Aladdin and realize that all these CG side-kicks just look fake as fuck?  Oh wait, I know why he’s not in this.  See, China has this rule about movies that are shown there – no ghosts, no gays.  Mushu ends up with her because the spirits of the family elders try to send one of the guardians to watch over her, and he ends up fucking that up so he goes to make things work with her so he doesn’t lose his ability to go home.  But all that stuff with ghosts is no-go in China, and Disney won’t do anything to disrupt that sweet China cheddar.

Can’t help but notice that since she’s supposed to be in a big battle, her outfit is very nice and not dirty or cut or anything.  Her face is very nice too.  So’s the makeup on it.  Guess they don’t want to worry about that little detail. If she wasn’t cute, then little girls couldn’t put themselves inside her like a skin to vicarious experience the movie through her.

It’s so weird to me that the film that CLEARLY is marketing itself on girl power is so much less of a female strength metaphor than the film it a remake of.  The original film told the story of a woman who didn’t let herself get held back.  She stood tall with the men, and earned their respect.  She went from an inexperienced woman pretending to be a man, to being the savior of China.  This film clearly decided that that was too much work.  Instead, just make it a Lord of the Rings knock-off in terms of battles, and make her super strong and super awesome without having to work at it.  Oh, and ditch the songs because then the characters would have personality.  That’s too much work for modern Disney.

Initial Verdict
You people who see this are the reason this shit gets made

Peace out,

Maverick

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SIONR: Disney is Remaking A Night on Bald Mountain in Live Action (CG)

I fucking hate modern Disney.  There are not words to describe how shitty they are.  I could sit here and explain in exhaustive detail all of my grievances with modern Disney, but then I’d be here for hours and you all would get REALLY bored.  Understandably so.  But what they are doing to cash in on people’s nostalgia has finally reached the point that it pisses me off beyond the pale.  I could handle them fucking over the legacy of Robin Williams with their shit-tastic version of Aladdin.  Especially since Will Smith sounds medicated in that movie.  I listened to the soundtrack, and he sounds so tired in every song he sings.  I was annoyed but just shrugged and went “whatever” when I saw their “live-action” version of The Lion King being advertised.  Sure, all the CG animals have zero personality because they have the uncanny valley level of CG detail, but whatever.

I’ve heard that they are remaking Lilo & Stitch.  Because that’s just what that filmed needed!  A fun and colorful and touching story about a girl, an alien, and finding the meaning of family.  It needed to be remade with Disney doing their now trademark diversity pandering!  Yay!  They’re remaking The Little Mermaid.  Maybe they can have Ariel be a Muslim mermaid.  Have her wearing a seaweed burka.  Diversity, after all.  And you know what, that’s all fine too.  Because after all, why would we want to have those old 2D animated films be the ones we remember?  Those aren’t the moves for “grown ups,” after all.  No, instead we have to remake them in the worst way possible, with acting that is The Last Airbender levels of bad.  Taking all the charm and whimsy the animated films had and bending them over a table without any lube.

Then I found out something utterly horrifying that has pissed me off so much – they are remaking A Night on Bald Mountain in “live-action.”  Oh boy.  Fuck you Disney!  Fuck you and your creatively-bankrupt company!  You all take the things that people love and fuck them over the ass. I loved that piece in Fantasia.  It’s my second-favorite.  My first being The Rite of Spring, telling the story of the growth of life on Earth.  A Night on Bald Mountain is a fantastic piece.  The levels of darkness, both musically and dramatically is just insane.  The demon Chernabog summoning the souls of the dead and the damned for an insane party for one night, it’s incredible.  The animation is flawless.  Absolutely flawless.  The portrayal of the dead and the damned is just so perfect.  As they rise from the graves, rising up the mountain, you can almost feel the dread the townspeople are feeling as they stay inside and hope that dawn comes soon.  It all builds and builds, culminating in the most visceral experience I have ever seen in 2D animation.  Nothing else has even come close.  Plus, at the end, there is the fantastic pairing up with Franz Schubert’s “Ave Maria,” which has the townspeople seeking the light of Heaven to cleanse them of the darkness.  It’s perfect.

So I guess a whole bunch of suits and Disney are sitting around going…
“Hey guys, we’ve been remaking all of these classic movies and making money like gangbusters.  What else do we got?”
“How about we take that one bit from Fantasia about the demon and remake it!”
“But that’s not a whole story.  It’s a musical showing of what happened during one night.  How could we make that into a full-length movie?”
“Just have some big actors/actresses with some stupid story about killing the demon and put in some diversity shit to make people talk about how, if you don’t see it, you’re a bad person.  All of this nostalgia shit makes money anyway, so we can make this into whatever we want.  Just make sure all the advertising for the movie only shows the stuff that will play on people’s nostalgia.  We don’t want them to know that this is just a cash-grab that can make us a fuck-ton of cash.”

And then I figure that they laugh heartily and pay some Thai child to dance on top of a tank full of piranhas for their amusement.  Because Disney is pure evil, after all.

I can’t believe that Disney is doing this.  It isn’t enough that they took this franchise and turned it into a fucking Kinect game?!  It isn’t enough that they have made cash-grab after cash-grab of all their old 2D films, and every last one of them has fucking sucked?!  Without a single exception!  They are all nothing but trash!  That isn’t enough?  Now you have to take one of the hallmarks of animation and turn it into another piece of shit, all so you can make a quick several hundred million dollars to satisfy your investors?!  Oh how I wish Chernabog were real, so he could turn you and all your board of directors into pig demons.  It would be fitting, after all.  Then he could put you in front of a pile of money and tell you to worship it.  Would be fitting, given what you all do.

How people can stomach modern Disney is beyond me.  They pander to diversity because it sells.  The moment it doesn’t, they will kick it out the door like a $10 whore.  It’s why you don’t see gay characters in their big-budget movies, after all.  Because then they wouldn’t be able to sell their films big in China.  Although, I guess they won’t have to worry about that with this live-action trash.  You can’t have ghosts in films that go to China either.  So hey, go big with the gay pandering in this movie.  Oh wait, that would be hard because the premise is about a demon having a giant party.  Associating that with gay people would send the wrong message to the far-left community you are trying to pander to.

Ah, what the Hell.  Just fuck over the entire storyline.  In order to make this have a 90 minute runtime, you’re already gonna have to do that anyway, so might as well go big.  Make Chernabog a person of color transgender pansexual.  They aren’t having a party with all the damned and the souls of the dead that they summoned to them with their presence.  They just wanted to give all the dead POCs a place to gather where they feel included.  The villain can be Christian white nationalist groups!  Maybe they are having a straight pride parade!  Yeah, that’s a great angle.  It’s not like Disney or whatever two-bit director they will get for this shit actually cares about the story they are adapting anyway, so why not?  I’d kind of prefer that you all just go the distance with fucking the story over.  Then I don’t have to feel like you are shitting on one of my favorite movies.

But you can guarantee that I’m not giving Disney money to see this trash.  Not a fucking chance.  Disney and their live-action butt-rape of this bit from one of my favorite films can suck a dick.  Can suck all the dicks.  Fuck Disney.  Fuck these live-action movies.  They all suck.  They will always suck.  The critics who say nice things about them are paid shills.  The audience who likes them is Americans who we already know are dumb as dirt.  Fuck this.  Can these people please stop raping what I love?

Until next time, a quote,

“It’s very simple – if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies.” – Jay Sherman

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Aladdin Trailer (2019)

You know what I hate?  Modern Disney.  Modern Disney has lost every ounce of the creativity that old-school Disney had.  Their creativity hit its last peak in the 90’s, and after that it’s all been downhill.  Now, because Disney is so devoid of creativity and desperate for quick bullshit that they can cash in on because they need to get pools of money that they can dive into like Scrooge McDuck, we have live-action remakes of their biggest movies back when they were animated and cool.  And they have, without a SINGLE EXCEPTION, sucked.  Badly.  They are all terrible.  The worst offender among them is the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast.  A film that proved that not only can Emma Watson not act, but she also can’t sing.  Go figure.

Since Disney is out of creativity, they also decided that they should take the time to shit on the legacy of Robin Williams as well, and make a remake of one of their best animated films, where the late actor was able to bring so much to it.  His role as Genie is iconic.  But hey, that’s just how it goes.  I guess Will Smith will get a crack at it.  The idea of having to hear him sing “Never Had a Friend Like Me” makes my cringe muscles go out of control.

However, they have finally released a trailer.  Before this, there was the poster for the film, and I will say that if there is one and only thing that they did right in this, it’s that the lamp looks cool.  That’s it.  Now, let’s watch the trailer for this movie and see what the damage is.

We begin on what is, admittedly, a very cool shot of the Arabian dessert.  Sand dunes are always very beautiful to film.  While the heat and I are not friends, part of me would love to see that scenery in person someday.  But we have this terrible orchestral version of the song that begins the animated film, “Arabian Nights.”  Oh Groj.  Not holding up well and we’re only a few seconds in.

Then we cut to another shot of the dunes, but look!  A CG city in the background!  Oh boy!  Obvious CG is obvious.  It’s not even well integrated.  It looks so out of place in this setting.  We get a closer shot, with CG parrot who I am going to assume is Iago.  It’s a safe assumption.  And just like every CG character in all the live-action versions of these movies, it looks bad.  These films really have hit a high mark in all having consistently terrible CG creations.  That’s almost impressive.  Not a single film stands out in any real way for quality CG characters.  Maybe it’s because I am just so conditioned to this shit and it has gotten to the point that I don’t take this shit seriously anymore.  Oh how I long for the days of practical effects.  Would it have been that hard to train a real parrot to fly around?  I guess they couldn’t do that over a CG environment where everything looks fake.  The bird would get lost in front of a green-screen.

We get to hear the voice of the Cave of Wonders!  Oh boy!  The creepy cave that appears from the dunes because of a weird magic beetle thing.  So how bad is this CG going to look?  The irony is that it was CG in the animated film, and I guarantee that will have looked a million times better.  Wait, what?  It’s a regular cave, but with glowing eyes?  Then how, exactly, has no one gone to get that lamp before?  If this cave is just sitting there waiting, then how has no one gone in there?  The voice-over tells me that only the “diamond in the rough” can enter, but if the place doesn’t open, then that rings hollow.  I’m sure that the cave disappears without some terrible CG effect.  I was right, though.  The Cave of Wonders in the original film, with dated CG, looks better than this.  Can nothing impress me in this trailer?

Oh look!  CG cave!  With CG treasure!  In an entirely CG backdrop without a single bit of an actual set!  Wow!  That’s so fake that the fakeness of it is leaping right off the fucking screen at me.  We get the title in that iconic font, and then we have Arab main character guy reaching for the lamp, which, as I said before, does look cool.  There.  I found one thing that impresses me – the lamp.  Congrats, Disney.  Some underpaid artisan worked really hard on a cool piece to go with a terrible movie.  Kudos to that craftsman.  Whatever you paid them, it wasn’t enough.

This looks so fucking stupid.  This is the next entry in the creatively bankrupt Disney corporation, who is so desperate to just cash in instead of taking risks.  Gotta love.  Of course, these films make bank, so I guess the retarded American public eats this shit up too.  So I get to be in a wonderful minority of people who see all these truly amazing films languish on the vine, while endless dreck like superhero films and whatever cash-grab remake, reboots, sequel, or live-action version has the intellectually-void public paying money for.  This country needs to fucking die.  Not kidding.

Initial Verdict
I’m so sorry, Robin Williams, that Disney wants to shit on your legacy

Peace out,

Maverick