Adulthood Sucks

Decided to do a personal post.  This is about the only place I can be honest with everyone.  In my real world interactions, I basically choose not to talk to anyone, because everywhere I fucking look, it’s people not wanting to talk to me because I’m not super positive guy.  And if you aren’t blowing sunshine up someone’s ass, you are worth talking to.  That’s my life now.  Just avoiding people because if you aren’t happy, NOBODY wants to talk to you.  Everyone avoids you.  It’s just the world we live in.  Right now, I’m getting real sick of that.  Sick of life, and all the bullshit that goes with it.

I hate adulthood.  I fucking despise it.  If I got a time machine, I would go back and tell young me to savor his youth as long as he possibly could.  Of course, my youth ended kinda fast.  See, I had this head injury when I was 14 that fucked my life forever, and I had to grow up real fast.  There’s another thing I’d change.  I’d tell me not to go riding on a bike.  Just walk places.  Stay off that road.  Don’t get into sports.  Was a bad idea to start with.  I’d do a lot of things.

My rent is about to go up.  A lot.  I thought for a while it wasn’t so bad, but now that I see my new financial situation with a vehicle in my name, it just gets worse.  All of my finances are just shit, and my ability to save in any measure is pretty much fucked.  I keep running the numbers, over and over, in my head.  There’s no escape.  None.  I’m saddled with this endless cavalcade of bullshit.  It’s sucking the life out of me right now.

Had a million fucking interviews lately for jobs that pay better.  Getting real fucking tired of it, but can I stop?  Can I rest on my laurels?  I wish I could!  I like the team I’m with now.  They are awesome people.  But no!  I have to keep at this fruitless task, because a job that pays better is a requisite.  I can hear you saying – why not get two jobs?  I work 9-5, five days a week.  So what does that mean for my working?  It means I’d have to get a job I can work on weekends.  You know what that means – retail.  Because no other kind of employer only hires people part time on weekends.  With my medical issues, a job on my feet for hours on end is out.  So yeah, that’s out.

I remember thinking that when I was an adult, I could do what I wanted.  If I wanted something, since I knew I’d be working, I could buy it myself.  Christmas and birthdays would lose some of their child-like luster, but I was more and more enjoying the idea of just spending time with family.  Yeah, my list isn’t going to get any smaller this year.  Because buying things for myself is a cute idea!  Kinda like a vacation, or going to big events, or a social life, or fucking anything!

Doesn’t help that my personal life is another cute idea that died a long time ago.  I get all the ugly shit associated with adulthood, and none of the perks.  No love life.  No sex life.  No fucking anything!  Just getting up, going to work, coming home.  That’s my entire worthless, miserable life.  But you can’t tell that to people.  Because then you get the patronizing bullshit calls or something of “are you okay?”  No!  But what are you gonna do about it?!  I can’t even afford to go long distance to the family because gas ain’t cheap either!  Fuck!

I am so fucking tired of nothing working in my favor.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – where can I cash in on this fucking privilege that these SJWs claim I have in such abundance?  I have white privilege, tall privilege, male privilege, and this is really a thing, smart privilege.  I guess we should extol the virtues of being stupid.  There’s an American thought for ya.  Well tell you what, who do I have to talk to in order to get all the perks?!  I will go there right now and find the nearest minority and rub their nose in these perks!  I want my perks!  Where the fuck are they?!  I have had to fight and scratch and claw and bleed to get ANYWHERE in my life!  So where the fuck can I get these imaginary perks that people say I have?!  Please, tell me where to go.  I will go there.  Today!  Right now!

Bust my fucking ass, and for what?!  So I can have nobody to talk to about why things are hard right now?!  Because everyone ignores me like the fucking plague because I’m negative?!  “Lucien, nobody likes a downer.”  Well then, I guess I get to be alone for the rest of my life.  However long that ends up being.  I take stupid risks just to feel…anything.  I have no fear of death.  Hell, I welcome it.  Am I suicidal?  Damn right!  Only difference is that I have somewhere I have to get to before I can do that.  I refuse to let my life end in this miserable apartment in this miserable city in this fucking icebox state where winter takes up seven months out of the goddamn year.

Every day I do my very best to be the best at whatever I do.  Where has it gotten me?  Nowhere.  It’s gotten me failed relationships, failed friendships, and the subtle realization that one day I will wake up and I’ll be 40 and I’ll probably be in the same goddamn place doing the same goddamn thing.  This is my life!  I fucking hate adulthood.  I would give my last 30 years to be able to go back and enjoy being a kid all over again.  Because looking at the future gives me a fucking headache.  Looking at the past feels pretty alright.

Until next time, a quote,

“‘What’s your favorite childhood memory?’ Not paying bills.” – Anonymous

Peace out,



Happy Single Awareness Day!

Well, it’s that time of year again.  That time when everyone is absolutely buzzing!  The world buzzes to the beat of a special drum.  The drum that has made our species as numerous as it is!

No, wait, that’s sex.  My bad…

But according to so many, this is the most amazing day of the year!  When selfish expression and cheesy gimmicks dominate the land.  Where the most shallow part of our culture can be enraptured in how much they can milk this holiday for what its worth.  Unless, of course, you are one of a very unique…oh, fuck it, they’re not unique.  They’re overwhelming.  The single people.

See, this holiday was inappropriately named.  Instead of being named after a Catholic saint that your lazy asses don’t know a thing about, I have decided to instead give this holiday a much more fitting name.  I was thinking – Single Awareness Day.

Valentine's DayCause you see, while the romantic couples are out there, making a big to-do about how awesome this holiday is (or girls who are not in a relationship, but are hot enough to know that they are going to get sex), for those of you who are not in a relationship, there will be a number of reactions to situations that you are going to have.

For starters, there are the girls who complain about how men are all jerks.  Most of these girls will pass up perfectly nice guys, having put them in that illustrious place that almost all men are familiar with – the friend zone.  Ah yes, the friend zone.  A place where a girl pretty much says, “I like you, but you aren’t enough of a jerk for me to date, because I will need you after I have been hurt by said jerk, to cry to about how their are not more nice guys like you.”  It’s an ugly cycle, and one that you will never escape.  I wish you luck.

Then there is the playtoy.  This is another kind of nice guy who is used and thrown away by a woman who claims to care about them, but will abandon them the moment that they find somebody who is far more suiting to their own personal darkness.  Of course, when this person is no longer to their liking, they will come back to you, because they know that you will go back to them.  It’s a miserably pathetic existence, but we have all had to be there at some point.

Then there is the person who gets to see his ex be with some guy or girl that she/he left them for, and see how happy that person.  Almost like the idea is to rub it in.  Like they haven’t poured enough salt in the wound, and now you get to have more fun at your expense.  Isn’t that nice?

All these groups of people get the raw end of the deal, but now let’s talk about those who aren’t a member of the party for whom I have changed the name of this holiday for.  For you, there is a VERY fruitful future ahead of you, filled with chocolate, roses and cheesy cards.  These facile expressions that they will claim they love so much, when the truth is that most of them would probably just like a nice hug and for you to tell them how much you love them.  But hey, we all gotta embrace that shallow culture, right?

And speaking of shallow culture, then there’s the people who think that jewelry and extravagant gifts are the way to express your love.  Because after all, no woman knows what love is without you going into debt, right?  As the ad says –

Every kiss begins with Kay.

Yeah, and every divorce begins with Jack Daniels.

Oh, and while we’re on that subject, there is a final group of people who I think we should take some time to recognize – the people who get dumped on Single Awareness Day!  For real, do you think the suicide rate goes up on Single Awareness Day?  Well, let’s be nice.  How about for a week or so afterwards?  But yeah, these people get to be one of the most ashamed class of people in the world – those who have to return Single Awareness Day jewelry that they saved their hard-earned money for.  For real, do you think there is anything more humiliating than having to return jewelry that you bought for your loved one?  Well, maybe having to return an engagement or wedding ring.  Still, we need to keep these people in our thoughts, because they are going to be considering the Kurt Cobain approach to life…or death.

But in all seriousness, fuck Valentine’s Day.  That is all.

In a surprising turn, however, and until next time, a quote, (and this is from the heart)

“So, before I get too down to it, I’d like to offer you a piece of advice – if you’re fortunate enough to have somebody who you like enough to share Valentine’s Day with, do something special for that person.  Even if it’s something small.  Don’t forget that something small can produce a reaction much bigger than even the thought itself.  And don’t forget that doing something small for somebody that’s really worth it sure beats the hell out of whatever you were normally doing for that day.”  -Neal Wilcott, F*ck Valentines Day! 

Peace out,


Top 10 Things I Liked About Christmas

Well, in lieu of a blog about Christmas itself, I thought that this year’s Christmas blog would be about something different – the things I like most about Christmas.  It is by far my favorite holiday.  Or rather, it was.  It was a holiday that I loved so much.  But this year, for the first time, I genuinely don’t give a shit.  This is the first year that it couldn’t matter to me less that it is Christmas.  I don’t feel anything for this holiday.  We’ll get into why in a minute.  But first, here are the top 10 reasons that I used to love this holiday.  And this makes it all the harder that this year, I couldn’t care less.

Ornaments10. Ornaments
Oh how I have always loved putting up the Christmas tree.  This is the first year that I had no part in it.  I had to get back to the dorms because of work and final projects.  It was so hectic that I genuinely felt overwhelmed at times.  But one of my favorite parts about this holiday was putting up the Christmas tree and figuring out where the best spots were for everything.  It was so tedious, yet so enjoyable.  I always loved it.  And once it was all done, they looked so beautiful.  I truly do regret not getting to help put up the tree this year.  I would have done that part long before this holiday went to shit for me.

Kitty9. My Cat
One of the things that has been hardest about living at the dorms was that I couldn’t be around my cat, Lizzy.  I do so love that little beast.  She’s a whiny, angry little puss, who only loves me.  She treats everybody else like yesterday’s trash, except for me.  I remember when I first got the little devil.  She was climbing up the cage wall at the pet store.  She looked at me like “get me the fuck out of here!”  I knew from that moment that her and I were going to be best friends.  She’s getting old.  That makes me sad.  If she dies, then I am that much more alone.  She’s one of the few things I can depend on always being there for me.  Unlike the person who threw my friendship in the trash recently, and didn’t even look back.  I love that cat so much.  So incredibly much.

Moose in the Headlights, by Emily Gelino-Bequette8. Snow (when I don’t have to drive in it)
Having lived in the most northern state in the Union, I have had to live with snow every winter.  And when I don’t have to drive in it, it is beautiful.  It’s a beautiful thing to see.  Of course, it turns the roads into a dangerous mess, and it seems like every year, every dumb shit in my part of the world forgets how to drive in it.  Like the summer was so long that they forgot that winter exists.  Dumb bastards.  But I do love watching it fall, if I know that I don’t have anywhere that I need to be in the next few days.  Very, very beautiful.

Nightmare Before Christmas7. My Favorite Christmas Specials
It kills me that I forgot my movie collection at the dorms, because I could use a good Christmas special right now.  I linked my Top 10 Christmas Specials blog after the number.  Check it out, if you want to know what tickles my holiday buttons.  Some of them might not make much sense to you, but I still think they are beautiful.  I’m one of those weird people who has my own little quirks, but it’s all good.  I get to have fun, and that’s what matters.  Well, I did.  After losing a friendship that meant so much to me, because of a person I never met, then I just stopped caring.  Still, I hope that you all were able to find that little Christmas film that makes you feel all warm inside.  I envy you for being able to feel that way.

Happy People6. People actually being nice!
For real, have you ever noticed that even the biggest asshole in the universe turns into one of the sweetest people the moment that this time of year comes around?  I wish that some people I knew were like that.  Then, I wouldn’t be sitting here, crying while listening to Christmas music on the radio, feeling like shit.  I kept hoping that the spiked eggnog (one of the few kinds of booze I will actually drink) would dull the pain.  But it doesn’t.  She left my life, and right when I was hoping to see her the most.  I think she did that on purpose.  But it does feel good when you can get that person who is a dick the rest of the year, but then you see them in a Christmas tree sweater, and they are actually smiling.  Alas, my work-mates at my job didn’t get that.  My smile is such a rare occurrence these days that I think the people at my job would be shocked if they ever saw it.  I don’t have a reason to smile.

Presents5. Presents (duh)
Yeah, kind of a given that I would be big on this one.  Who isn’t?  Who doesn’t love to get presents under the tree?  Ironically, for me, I was told to temper my expectations, since the parents don’t have much money.  But that’s okay.  I don’t mind that at all.  They have to look after themselves first.  I have no desire to feel good about this season anyway, so it’s all good.  I just want…for the day to be over.  That way, I can stop feeling like I want to cry.  It just hurts too much.  Was what we had worth nothing?  She said it meant so much.  That losing me would hurt more than she could bear.  Yet throwing what we had away, without so much as a word to me, didn’t seem to faze her in the least.  She seemed almost happy to be rid of me.  And all because of a guy who never met me.  Fuck love.

Crete, Greece tourism destinations4. No School Work (or job work)
Can’t complain about this one.  It let me finally catch up on Assassin’s Creed III, which I had been waiting for ever since I preordered it back in September.  It was worth it.  That game is awesome!  And getting to let my insomnia not be an anchor in my life was pretty sweet too.  Though it has given me more time to think, which does me no kindness now.  I was hoping to see so many people when I got back home.  Instead, I have seen only one friend, and while I do love her to death, I was hoping to see more.  Now, she is moving away, and everybody else is gone.  And the only person I was hoping to see over break got pissed at me (this isn’t the friend who threw me away.  Somebody else), and now our friendship is hurting.  Irony – for the same reason a best friend threw my friendship in the trash.  But I do get an actual break.  That is pretty damn sweet.

Christmas Lights3. Lights
Probably the greatest saving grace about this holiday is the lights on the tree.  I remember how good it made me feel, and how much I was able to get lost in them.  Now, when I look at them, it just hurts.  It seems like no matter how loyal I am to people, my loyalty is not rewarded.  I try so hard to be a good friend, yet what do I get in return?  I get people to throw my friendship away, and to treat me like I am somebody they can use and throw away.  My dedication has been abused, time and time again.  And for what?  The lights are so beautiful.  I stare into them.  I want to get lost in them.  Yet all they do now is remind me why it hurts so much to be me.  It’s no fun being me.  Being me fucking sucks.  Yet they are still beautiful.  If I believed there was a God, he would be in the Christmas lights.  But that’s just me.  I’m weird like that.

Holiday Sex2. Sex
Yeah, when I made this list, it made sense why this was close to the top (I made this list a long time ago).  When one has a person that they love, one of the best times of year to express it is during Christmas.  So many holidays kinks, if that’s what one’s into.  There is this one girl who I wish I could share some kinks.  Run my fingers through her brown hair, let my hands satisfy a fetish of mine and fondle her large breasts, to explore every inch of her body.  She is in good shape, but not a super-model.  I am glad of this.  I like my women to look like real women, not some idealized vision of beauty.  She thinks she is in such bad shape.  I really must cure her of this.  And yet, at the same time, I now hate sex.  I hate it so much, because the drive to pursue it, along with love, has completely destroyed a friendship.  See, her boyfriend didn’t like me.  Why?  Got me.  I’ve never met the guy.  This guy doesn’t like me, when all I was at that point, since she lived so far away, was a text and Facebook message to her.  That was it.  Yet apparently, I was causing problems.  Why?  She had no answer, and saw fit to tell me to leave it alone.  I was so tempted to yell and scream that this is bullshit, but what’s the use?  The friendship is dead now.  I am alone again.

And the thing that I liked most about this holiday, and why it was once my favorite holiday is…

Eggnog1. Eggnog and Brandy
What a perfect combination.  This is, by far, the greatest drink in the mostly-gross history of alcohol.  It all tastes awful to me, except for this and a couple others.  This concoction has seen me through the last week or so, as I come to grips with how things are.  Why did this have to happen?  Why couldn’t it have been stopped, or made less awful?  What could we have done different?  I want to stop asking myself.  I want it to stop hurting.  But it doesn’t.  The booze dulls the pain, but in the end, it does nothing for me but remind me of how pathetically sad it all is.  Still, this drink is amazing.  If you haven’t had it, do.  You won’t regret it.

I want to like this holiday.  I want to think it is a great holiday.  Instead, all I have to think about now is how much I wish it would just go away.  That way, I could cry, and not feel like I am bringing people down.  I have to hide it, because I want people to be happy.  But in the end, I am miserable, and hiding it does nothing to change that.  Fuck love.  Fuck relationships.  Fuck everything to do with this whole holiday.

Fuck Christmas.

Until next time, a quote,

“ I’ve always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.”  -Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock

Peace out,


Do I Offend You? Tough S**T

Well, as with what seems to happen to me everywhere, and all the time, I managed to find a way to piss somebody off, and now it legitimately threatens my future.  It is yet-another reminder that I truly have no place in this world, and I may always be alone in it, and it is another reason why I wish that I had the ability to cry, but I lost that a long time ago.

Here’s the set-up – I was at work.  I won’t say where and I won’t say what I do, because I don’t need that coming back to bite me in the ass.  I’ll give you a hint – I handle a lot of books.  At this job, there is a lot of public who comes and goes.  Something that I have found when I am organizing these books is that many of these members of the public feel the need to leave little leaflets all over the place.  What is on these leaflets, you ask?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  What is on these leaflets are religious messages.  They usually follow the same pattern – that we are all horrible sinners, and we are all going to Hell.

So, why do I care?  I mean, I deal with that kind of stupid bullshit all the time.  Religion has always been stupid, and it will continue to be stupid.  Why the fuck do I care?  Well, in this instance, I care because I get to clean up this shit.  I have to maintain this environment.  I have to keep this place looking as well as it can, so that people will want to use our facilities.  And that is very hard to do when they are constantly coming across religious zealots having to shame them with their stupid bullshit.  And I cannot begin to tell you how many of these leaflets I have sent into a recycle bin for paper.  Yeah, that’ll show them!  Hopefully they get turned into a book by Christopher Hitchens!

What was different about today?  Another good question.  My, this audience is smart.  Well, today, I got to throw away another of these leaflets, but guess where I found it?  I found it tucked into one of the fucking books!  These jerks are not only littering my place of employment, but they are tucking their zealotry into my books?!  I wanted to strangle somebody.  Given the stress I have been under lately, you can imagine that my reaction to this was extraordinarily negative.  This was a step too far to me.

I headed downstairs, to complain to my fellow employees, the only people around who would listen.  I told them about this, and how annoyed this made me, concluding with this sentence –

I don’t care what stupid imaginary crap you want to believe in, keep your leaflets out of my *******! (name omitted to not have to deal with more crap)

Well, one of my coworkers caught up with me and told me that one of these no-skinned workers apparently got offended by what I said, and could potentially write a letter to the boss, explaining how upset she is.  This means that I could get fired soon.  This is definitely a woman’s workplace, which doesn’t bug me in the slightest, but I do know who the boss, who is a woman, and tight with all these women, is going to side with.  She will side with this goodie-goodie narc who couldn’t bring her complaints to me instead choosing to “potentially” run to her.

Bringing this back to the theme of this post – being offended.  I am not actually talking about myself here, despite this long and rambling story.  What I am talking about is people and their belief that their offense matters.

I’m going to give you a little heads-up that I don’t know if you were aware of.  This might offend some of you, but it needs to be said anyway.  Alright, are you ready?  Here it is –

You don’t matter!

That’s right, you are just another piece of skin, just like all other 7 billion people on this planet.  In the broad scheme of things, you mean nothing.  Your life will be snuffed out in a blink, and that’s it.  There is no afterlife.  There is no God.  There is nothing to hope for.  Once you die, that’s it.  You’re done.  I don’t like to borrow from idiots, but it’s true – you only live once (YOLO!).

This means that when you get offended and you choose to make your offense a matter of the public discourse, and decide that you will go after the person who offended you, blocking their ability to offend you, you are choosing to believe that what offends you is somehow really important.  But because you yourself are not important, care to take a guess as to how important your offense is?  Not even a little.

People who get offended by religious statements – don’t hang out with religious people.  People who don’t like gay marriage – don’t have a gay marriage.  People who don’t like meat – don’t eat meat.

But the moment that you decide that you are going to take away our right to say what we want, and to express ourselves as we see fit, then you are just another part of the problem.

But Lucien, this is a workplace, and there are rules of professionalism!

A valid argument, if I said anything really rude and to anyone in-particular.  This isn’t that.  This is a butt-hurt Mormon who decided that her religion is REALLY important, and nobody can have an opinion that it is all just imaginary bullshit.  Even though I wasn’t talking to her, or about her, or about religion at all.  In fact, what I said was that I encourage people to believe what they want.  I merely would like them to stop littering my workplace with their garbage.  How is that a bad thing?  The truth is that it isn’t, and now, I might get fired because she is going to paint the scarlet letter on me, making me out to be a pariah of evil and atheist zealotry, because that is how offended people do.  They don’t say what actually happened.  They make it all out to be a battle between good and evil.  Yeah, that’s bullshit.

Here’s the ultimate truth – we need to stop banning things.  We need to stop trying to curtail other people’s behavior to what we want it to be.  This PC culture that has taken over this country has got to go!  I am getting sick and tired of it.  We seem so scared to offend anyone, because we don’t want to get sued.  A cheap tactic used by the worst of us to make money.  I should know.  My cousin sued me for $165,000.  He got a settlement of $100,000 from my insurance.  Loathsome piece of shit.  But this culture of not hurting anyone’s feelings or challenging people’s beliefs, or just making the simple demand of people to get a skin at all, not even a tough one, has got to go.

It won’t, but damn if I don’t hope it would.

Until next time, a quote,

“Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.”  -Unknown

Peace out,


All Grown Up

I’m all grown up, but I’m not an adult.  I don’t want to be an adult.  Every day, I hear them talking.  Every day, I see them interacting.  I work with them at my job at the college.  I have been educated by them.  I am surrounded by them all the time.  It’s part of living, I guess.  But the more that I see them, the more that I hear them, the more that I am around them, the less that I want to be one of them.  I honestly can’t stand them.

There are a bunch of female-types who work at the desk where I work.  I pass by the desk a dozen times a day.  You know what I hear about almost every time I pass by?  I hear about how much they are annoyed by their boyfriends.  How stupid these people are in comparison to the overwhelming brilliance that these girls apparently have.  Of course they are.  Of course, these women are just the smartest people, and these guys are dumb shits.  Apparently, it never occurred to them that if these people’s stupidity is such an annoyance, perhaps they should leave them, and find smarter guys.  Ladies, if your guy is an idiot, you have nobody to blame but yourself.  Smart a nice guys get tossed aside because of your shallow asses.  Don’t get me wrong, guys do shallow shit too, but guess what – you are more vocal about it.

And they are just one example.  It’s everywhere.  All over the place, I hear about the most boring and inane stuff in existence.  There are home loans.  There are car loans.  There is stuff about what their grandma is doing, or where their parents went on vacation.  The stupidest stuff in the history of humanity, yet to adults, this is what makes up a very good conversation.  There are pets, there are vacations, there are rooms that were painted recently.  Why does anybody care about this?  Who could conceivably give a fuck about what color you painted your room?  I don’t.  But to adults, this is what makes up good things to talk about.

I am starting to think that being a grown-up entails that you immediately start having a very healthy (to them) fixation on family, be very concerned with the everyday banal, have a very deep curiosity into other people’s banal, and not talk about anything that actually matters.  And you know what – I hate it.  I have ever stupid, simpering, mind-numbing, attention-killing moment of it.  For real, every time I hear people talking about their house or their family and what their family did, I want to kick something.  Hard.

You know what interests me?  Well, lots of things.  There is the current social and political climate.  That is always interesting.  For real, it is.  Since I live in America, I am getting to watch yet-another of these big prime-time entertainment spectacles that we call the 2012 Presidential Election.  For real, it’s all just entertainment.  It doesn’t matter who wins.  Nothing is going to change.  The military-industrial complex is still going to be fed.  Congress will still suck Wall Street’s dick.  The growing police state in this country will continue to grow.  Nothing is going to change.

Then there is the nerd culture.  I am a connoisseur of a good story.  Any form it comes in.  Books, movies, TV, video games.  You name it.  A good story is worth everything.  But when I talk about my love for video games, you know what I hear more often than I’d like?

“Are you kidding me, video games?  Man, grow up.”

Or some variation of that.  Like liking a story that is in pixel form and you can interact with is so immature.  What they don’t realize is that the gaming world has grown so much from where it was only 10 or 5 years ago.  The stories are now getting complicated.  There is subtlety and nuance.  There are games coming out that have incredibly complex characters.  When Roger Ebert said that games could never be art, he couldn’t have known how wrong he is.

There are so many great things to talk about.  It is the greatest time to live right now.  Sure, there are a LOT of problems in this country.  The pointless drug war.  The pointless overseas wars.  The fact that we don’t have universal health care.  All of these are problems.  But think about this – the world is connected like never before.  The internet has made the entire world come together in a way that our forefathers never could have imagined.  Truly, it is the most amazing time to live.

So, there are all sorts of awesome things to talk about, and what do I hear everywhere I go?  Inane bullshit.  Just people talking about pointless nonsense because…and that’s where I get lost.  I don’t have a single clue as to why.  Is it because talking about the bigger stuff is tougher?  Does talking about the things that matter just irk people in some way?  I mean, I have heard about the social contract that says you never talk about religion and politics (a stupid social contract, by the way), but why is it that people can’t talk about anything?

There is a saying that I saw once upon a time –

Big people talk about ideas
Medium people talk about things

Small people talk about other people

And I agree with it.  Being a grown-up is boring.  I hear them, and I’m bored.  Apparently, being immature is when you don’t like talking about houses, car loans, pets, relationship partners or what family are doing.  Being immature is when you like to be free to your own expression.  When you like things that are not just for adults.  When you are able to live a life by your own standards, rather than what society sets for you.

Being a grown-up fucking sucks.

Until next time, a quote,

“I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don’t rush into adulthood, it isn’t all that much fun.” – Bob Newhart

Peace out,


Thoughts from My Past Life

I had a head injury when I was 14.  Almost all of my childhood was erased from memory.  Here is a piece of it that I found today.  Something that I wrote for…I have no idea.  Hope you enjoy

I love to talk because it makes me feel good when I’m sad.  It sometimes help me adjust to uncomfortable places.  And sometimes it allows me to think when I am talking about work.


I like to have everybody wait on me because I just feel unliked by most of the class.  I sometimes don’t when to and when not to talk.


I like to talk about Pokemon.  I also like to talk about navy, air force, and army.  And I also like to talk about my daily life.


I try not to disregard the rights of others.  I try to be a role model.  Sometimes I do disregard others and it makes me feel awful.  But sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

I can’t remember when I wrote that, but it was a LONG time ago.  When I was a lot younger.  From the fact that I was using cursive, I think it was middle school.  Looking at that, I ponder how much I have changed.

Until next time, a quote,

“Maybe I’m too young to know what the world is supposed to be. But it’s not supposed to be this. Can’t be this.”  -Huey Freeman, The Boondocks

Peace out,


It’s all Worth Nothing

This is a post that I am writing simply so that I can get these feelings out into the world.  Another 100% personal post.  I know that I just did one.  Don’t like it, fuck off.  I just found out that one of my best friends could have cancer.  This girl has suffered, both medically and emotionally for her entire life.  She has been through absolute hell, and what is her reward for all her suffering?  She has to wait a month for test results to see if she has cancer.

Has to wait a month because America is too fucking stupid to have a universal health care system, so poor people like her who bust her ass all week for so little pay can get something for her time.  You think a person who works for not much more than minimum wage can pay for cancer treatments?!  NO!  She could be one of the thousands of people in this country who die every year because she can’t afford health insurance.  And if any of you come on here and say that she shouldn’t have been careless or should have gotten a better job, you can shut your fucking mouths because you a clearly stupid.  And if you can’t say something smart, don’t say anything.

I tell her that it will be okay.  I tell her that, knowing that I might be wrong.  I promise her that everything will be alright, an outright lie, because facing the truth is too ugly to even comprehend.  I lie to her because I don’t want to see her cry.  I don’t want her tiny and adorable face to frown.  I want it to glow and shine, because she deserves to have a life where things go well.  She deserves it, but she won’t get it.

And this brings me to the point of my post – it is all worth nothing.  All the pain and suffering that you are ever going to go through in your life, it is all worth absolutely dick, because in the end, nothing amounts from it.  It is nights like tonight that make me think of the fact that I hear people say so much that life is good, and how it isn’t so bad, and how there is always a silver lining to things.  Where is her silver lining?  Where is the positive side to this situation?  Oh, right, THERE ISN’T ONE!  She might die, and it will be for nothing.  Just because she wasn’t one of those Americans blessed with having an easy life, or being wealthy, or being one of those people who have this gift at being able to magically float through life with no real problems.  Nothing will change, She will die, and all that suffering will have lead to nowhere.

So here I sit, crying.  I cry for her and for me.  I cry for her because she has suffered her entire life, and it has been for nothing, and now she might die.  And even if she doesn’t have cancer, she has an illness that she has to deal with forever, adding in to her list of medical miseries.  I cry for me because this might be the second time that I watch a person that I have loved die.  It is all for nothing.  For fucking nothing!

Call me pretentious or melodramatic, but don’t come on here and insult my intelligence by telling me that life is good and everything has a positive side to look at.  It doesn’t.  Life is cruel, cold, and in the end, you die.  Death, the only true release from pain.

Until next time, a quote,

“It seems to be getting hard, distinguishing reality from the illusions people make for us, or for the ones we make for ourselves.”  -Huey Freeman, The Boondocks

Peace out,