I have been writing on this website since 2009. This website of mine has been my baby for over nine years. I remember the first thing I wrote. Back in the days when I wanted to be a legit journalist, before realizing how dead the medium has become, I went to the rally that was had as a response to the Glenn Beck/Sarah Palin event in my city. It was a perfectly civil event where you had people with signs, slogans, and all-around quirkiness all over. For the days when liberal protests were known for their civility, and not their violence. How far we have come.
Covering that event was fun. I met a ton of people, some of whom still recognize me to this day and say hello on the off-chance that we run into each other. Some of them became part of my circle going through college. None of those who went that route are in my circle anymore. For whatever reason, we fell out.
However, went I look back at that post, you know what the first thing that catches my eye is – how raw and amateur the writing is in comparison to what I do now. The days when I was a young idealist, looking to change the world. Yeah, I was kinda pretentious in those days. Look me in the eye and tell me that you weren’t. As I got this website started, I never figured that I would have an audience. I figured that I was just languish in obscurity with only a few people reading and enjoying my perspective on whatever issue comes before me that I feel is worth commenting on.
Nine years later, I have come a VERY long way. On WordPress alone, I am creeping up on 900 subscribers. That doesn’t include the people who aren’t on this platform who I know follow my site. Some of them are family. One of them is a coworker of my mother’s, who I find out can be very strongly opinionated on some of the things I comment on, but has never left a comment herself. Hell, my new boss follows my site! He tells me about how much he has enjoyed my outspoken perspective, even though I know that him and I see the world differently in a few ways. He likes the passion and the way I tend to blaze about the things that annoy me or the nerdom that I talk about on the regular. That makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
But I know that this medium is never going to be a big one. There are thousands upon thousands of blogs, with the vast plethora of them being incessant drivel that nobody reads. I know that the written word is a dying medium, and I am probably going to be one of the very last who still does it religiously the way I do. This website has been so much to me. It’s been where I get to rail against religion and how I think belief in a deity is an outdated values system from antiquity that has somehow stayed on in the age of reason. It’s been where I could rail against whatever political thing comes my way that I think is worth talking about. It’s been where I can talk about whatever nerdy thing catches my eye, rave about the things I love, trash what I hate, and rage about the politicization of my nerdy hobbies. This place has also been a confidant of mine when life is really ugly and I am needing to get shit off my chest.
As I see what is happening to mediums like YouTube, and seeing the homogenization of new media, I think about how I am one of the people who still sticks around old media. This format, without any mainstream appeal, where I have somehow been able to eek out this audience of people who still come and read what I have to say, even though they may not always agree with it. And I know that there are those who have come and gone. There is an ebb and flow to this stuff. Every so often I’ll get the people who, for a time, hit the “Like” on everything I write, regardless of subject. There are those who always like certain kinds of posts or those on certain subject matter. Helps me know who I engage with most. Even have those who come and go and comment on most everything. I enjoy my time with all of those people, because it reminds me that there is a small, dedicated community on this page.
This really is a random assortment of bullshit, because I genuinely don’t know where I was going with this. I guess it’s just saying that I am aware that I’m lucky, in that I have a loyal audience of people who find whatever I have to say worth reading. This always strikes me as odd because (and this is something not many people know, until now) I have this irrational belief that everyone I know secretly hates me and can’t stand to be around me. Yet here people are, engaging and reading and liking what I have to say.
I don’t really know what I want from life. I have this general idea of what I’m doing, but the specifics and where all of this ends is totally a mystery. At least in the sense of having a clear direction. I’ve been really depressed lately when interview after interview after interview goes absolutely nowhere, and it doesn’t feel like I’m making a dent. Hell, the first place to actually do reference checks for me didn’t hire me. In the end, it was just about experience. Which bugged me because I’m thinking to myself – why did they bother with the reference checks? If it was just about experience anywhere, then why bother? Why not just hire someone based on experience and skip the bullshit interview process altogether?
My friends don’t really talk to me when I’m down like this. Super sick too, so there’s that. But in general, when I’m depressed, they tend to be very distant. I guess it gets to the point that they don’t know what to say anymore. So better to say nothing, right? Is that typical? Probably.
So, as I listen to LoFi music that is to relax and study to (I’d like to thank Lt Corbis for introducing me to this stuff), and ruminate on how far I have come in a medium that is very dead in comparison to where it was, I am grateful to those of you who are still here, reading my assortments of nonsense and getting something from it. You all mean a lot to me.
Until next time, a quote,
“From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.”
— Edgar Allan Poe, from “Alone”