Musical Insanity: Vegan Rap

There is a rule that I want to make.  It’s a simple rule, really.  One that should be understood by everyone at this point to be a law.  No joke, break this and I am going to send a fucking honey badger to your house that’s high on Angel Dust.  Yeah, that’s how serious this rule is.  Because between the Privilege Rap to what you are going to see, it is abundantly clear that this rule has a very real place in today’s society.  Actually, this is two rules.  First, stop raps that have a lesson to teach!  They are awful!  Without a single exception, they all suck!  Stop it!

Next – white people need to never rap.  Ever.  We suck at it.  I don’t like rap in general, but the cringing I did on this was even worse than the “Jesus Christ is my Nigga” rap.  By the way, check that out if you want some old white people cringe that is just the best.  If cringe is something you look for.  I can’t handle the white people rapping about feminism, and I most certainly can’t help the most outspoken and annoying group I have had to deal with offline doing this.  Let’s take a look at the Vegan Rap.  Ugh…

Where do I begin.  For starters, we have the older people trying to be hip for the youth at least staying with the beat.  But their lyrics.  It rhymes for the first paired lines, but then we have this skinny guy come in and interrupt the second pair with the moral lesson – don’t use animal as an insult.  Bitch, I’ll use whatever I like as an insult.  But I’m not calling fatties a cow.  I’m calling them a heifer.  Get your terminology straight.

Next up we have the lady saying if you eat like a pig, she won’t use that term with you.  I will.  If someone eats shit food like a hog, they’ve earned the terminology.  Oh right, I’m fat-shaming.  Too bad.  If you are going to slobber down slop in front of me, I’m judging you for it.  Any friend of mine knows that I’m an asshole.  That’s part of my charm.  But then this skinny dude comes back to interrupt the next rhyme again with this woman.  Now he has a prolonged lesson to teach – that using animals as an insult is “speciesist.”  When will SJWs get this term added to the dictionary.  We’ve already god mansplaining in there, so why not?

I feel so bad for these people trapped in this terrible rap with this skinny guy.  It’s so abundantly clear that he is the driving force behind this, and these people are stuck there.  It reminds me of the podcast I watched called Drunken Peasants.  They had this woman and her public access show, who talked about dick endlessly, and she had this older woman with her whose only job seemed to be reacting to the crazy shit she said.  That woman looked trapped, and I felt bad for her.  I feel bad for these people too.

There is an abrupt transition to the guy singing again, saying that if you avoid thinking, he won’t call you a sheep.  I might not call you that either.  I’ll probably just call you stupid.  So there ya go, trapped guy.  I feel you on that one.  But I might call you a sheep if you blindly accept the stupid shit that those in power or the group goes with without thinking about it.  It is what it is.

We then go back to the lady, who says if you are a cowardly little bitch, she isn’t going to call you a chicken.  Neither will I, lady.  I’ll call them cowardly, little bitch, frightful, lacking guts, easily scared, wuss, pussy, or a cabal of other insults to insinuate that someone is lacking in courage.  Now the dude is back.  I guess he talks about his moral lessons after the woman speaks.  Okay.  The lines are the same, whatever, now I have to focus on this guy’s dancing.  There’s a website I want you all to check out.  It’s mancan.com.  I came across this at my employment.  If there isn’t a white background at the start when the page loads, refresh a few times.  Might take a bit.  But then you’ll have this white background appear, and in frame will come this dancing man.  He’s terrible.  It’s so beautifully cringey.  The joke I have my coworkers is that this man cannot.  Other mancan, but this man cannot.  It’s kind of an inside thing.  But looking at vegan skinny man, it make me think of that.

Now we’re back to the guy.  He says that if you are disloyal and we have a fight, he won’t call you a rat.  Okay, you have it right with the first bit, but not the second.  It’s not when we have a fight that you’re a rat.  It’s when I do something and you go to the authorities or one in charge of an organization or event and snitch on me.  Being snitch is what earns you that name.  And I’ll call you that if that’s what you’re being.  You look like a snitch.  No offense.

It goes over to the lady, and this one is just bizarre.  We have her talking about a person who checks ladies out being called a dog.  What?  For one, I call don’t call people a dog, I call them a bitch.  That’s a female dog.  Get your terminology straight.  Next, in the context of the usage of dog, it’s more someone who is a horny bastard and not ashamed of it.  So in both instances, your rebuking of this term is flawed.

Oh hey!  We do have someone calling out the usage of the term bitch.  Fantastic.  And I don’t call someone a bitch because they aren’t rich.  By the way, that’s actually a pretty good rhyme.  Your syllable usage can stand some work, but that rhyme was on point.  I call someone a bitch if they are being a pathetic, measly little worm that I don’t wanna give the time of day.  Or, if they are an unpleasant, awful human being, who is being unpleasant to me in a way only females can be.  Though if guy is so effeminate that he exhibits those behaviors, I’ll call him out on it too.

We have the lady back calling out the usage of the term “snake” for those who lie and break someone’s trust.  I always saw that as someone who stabs you in the back.  Or someone who pretends to be your friend and then betrays you.  I’ve used that term a few times.  We have the skinny guy back, and his dancing just gets worse!  These poor people.  I can feel them cringing with me on this.  Who was this made for?!

And it fades out with him and his repeated line. This was so much cringe.  I will likely never watch this again.  It wasn’t fun cringe.  I can watch “Jesus Christ is my Nigga” til the cows come home because it’s pretty funny.  This?  It was not.  Just the saddest attempt to reach an audience people that I don’t know who it is.  I don’t know who this is made for.  Vegans?  Non-vegans?  I don’t know.

Stop rapping, white people!  Not because it’s “cultural appropriation,” because that term is bullshit, but because you fucking suck at it!

Until next time, a quote,

“That was hilarious because you fucking suck!” – Your Movie Sucks

Peace out,

Maverick

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Lucien’s Review: Candide (Anchorage Opera)

You know what I like?  Pretending I am a cultured person and not a pretentious idiot who goes to the opera in my hoodie because I am can’t be bothered to give a fuck and change into something nice.  Thanks to an awesome family member who was part of this opera and scored me a ticket because I am also poor as fuck and filled with horrible angst about the fact that I am going to be 30 in November and have no future built and my savings is a cute idea that occasionally gets bigger when I don’t have medical bills, car repair, and living expenses.

Given that I am feeling an astronomical amount of depression because of my kitty being murdered, it was nice to get the ticket and have a reason to leave my shitty apartment.  I didn’t know ahead of time that this opera was a comedy, and it’s all the better for it.  Going in not expecting to laugh and then getting to do so was pretty great stuff.  I have a lot to say, so let’s get to it.

This opera was so close to absolute greatness, held back by a couple of scenes that dragged.  And when I mean dragged, I mean DRAGGED.  They go on way too long, don’t really go anywhere, and by the time it’s done I am left thinking this should have been shortened down or cut altogether.  What’s that?  It’s offensive to the original work?  You may be right.  But I’m a complete asshole who judges things based on my own criteria.  It’s like I’m some sort of critic or something.  Weird.

But what this performance got right, it got so right!  For starters, the set design.  I genuinely loved how this opera worked.  They had this brilliant idea to go for a minimalist approach.  You have the orchestra on stage with the performers.  And they designed the set so they could work around them.  Hell, there was even a great bit where one of the characters fucked with the conductor.  In the narrative, that’s literal.  Dude was a great sport about it.  Genuinely made me laugh out loud.

Plus, the lighting.  Oh man, do I love the lighting.  There was this great trick where they had a huge piece of cloth at the back, with a light behind it so that they could set the mood for whatever scene they were in without complex transitions.  There was no moving parts to this set, so it worked even better.  So many scenes were made a lot better with the lighting changing on cue.  Bravo.  Plus, there was the lighting on my favorite character, but we’re coming to that.

All of the roles in this was pretty good.  It’s clear how much heart was in every piece.  Now, since this opera is kind of a blend of opera and play, there were some scenes where people who clearly have a voice for opera are doing straight acting, and for some that can be a little off-putting.  It admittedly caught me off guard a few times, but after a while, you grow to accept it.  It’s kind of like Life is Strange‘s dialogue.  It’s off-putting at first, but over time you grow to get invested in the characters and so the strangeness is pretty alright.

What you need to know about this opera is that it is not meant to be taken seriously.  Serious things do happen, but the performers and the narrative make each one out to be either a reflection of the absurdity of the characters or the message that is being delivered to you by my favorite character in the entire production.

There are not words to discuss how much I love the narrator.  This guy completely and utterly stole the show in every single scene that he is in.  He had so much charisma and performance that you are left wanting to sit down and listen to story-time with this dude.  He works the scene so well.  What’s more, this guy has several hats in the production as other characters.  In one instance, this dude actually has these hot female attendants come out and help him change into another costume to be one of those character on-stage.  That’s awesome!  This dude oozed cool in every line.  I cannot possibly sing his praises enough.  My bi side may be showing pretty hard, but god damn!  It’s not often that I get annoyed when the other characters are on screen because I’d rather here the whole damn thing told to me by this guy.

But don’t let me make you think the rest of the cast is bad.  Far from it.  There is a TON of heart from every performance.  It’s not their fault that the narrator has such complete control of every scene that he’s in.  The titular character has a great voice, and admittedly it’s his voice that becomes the most odd to hear because of his operatic performance.  I didn’t have an issue with a single person in this production.  It makes my gripes with certain numbers worse because you have people who I do like in moments where the scene can clearly get where it’s going 1000X faster and you are stuck waiting for them to do it.

Overall, this is a great load of fun.  I could watch that narrator tell me any story in the world in that voice and be satisfied, but that aside, it’s fun.  Certain scenes do really drag, but when this performance is on point, it is really on point.  I wish I could have gotten this out in time for you all to see it, but if nothing else, I can help pimp the local opera company in the city I live in.  I’ll take that.

Final Verdict
8 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

Mr. Smith Signs a Birth Certificate, by Lucien Maverick

*As read by Charles R Poindexter*

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Mr. Smith.
Mr. Smith was a man who liked to get the most out of life.
He did this by consuming copious amounts of alcohol.
Him and all his friends would drink and drink until all their jokes were funny and their bellies fat.

One day, he got so drunk that he made love to a very pretty woman.
At least he thought she was pretty.
The more he drank, the prettier she got!
It was a very good night.

A long time later, he got a piece of mail in his mailbox.
Heinous villains at Child Support told him that the woman he had made love to now had a baby.
What’s more, he was named the father.
Mr. Smith immediately went into action.

He called the Child Support villains, to right this wrong.
Told them that he was not the father of that baby.
Said there was no way it was him.
Lastly, that he wanted a paternity test.

But the EVIL Child Support customer service representative told him no.
Said that his name was on the child’s birth certificate.
And this meant that he would have to contest this in court.
Mr. Smith gasped!

Seeing the injustice, he informed the EVIL Child Support customer service representative that this was all wrong.
Told him that he was very drunk the night that he signed that birth certificate.
So drunk that he didn’t even remember doing so.
This meant that he couldn’t legally be responsible for what happened that fateful night.

After hearing his genuine honesty, the EVIL Child Support customer service representative told him that wasn’t true.
Said that it is a legally binding document, and only a court order could contest it now.
Mr. Smith was appalled!
He knew just what to do!

Once he had several swigs of his joyous drink, he filed a motion in court and got the judge to hear his case.
He told him of the injustice against him and how he wanted to put it right!
Why should he have to pay for a child that is not his!
The judge heard it all, and said back to him, “are you fucking kidding me?”

But Mr. Smith got his order to contest paternity!
He strolled into the EVIL Child Support office and got genetic testing
This cruel insult would not stand!  He would show these devils!
Maybe when he proves the baby is not his, he would sue these monsters for all the trouble!

Then the results came back positive, and Mr. Smith had an arrears balance of $2,000 and a monthly support amount of $200.
Mr. Smith decided that he needed consoling, so he went to the joyous bar for more joyous drink.
There was a pretty lady there.
In fact, the more he drank, the prettier she looked…

Until next time, a quote,

“Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb!” – South Park

Peace out,

Maverick

The Soggy Chicken Poll

I’ve never done anything like this before, but what happened today was just too funny.  My job sucks the life out of me every day, but there are some moments where it genuinely does put a smile on my face.  Like today.  I have a coworker who has this ability to make himself the butt of some hilarious jokes.  Today it was in an off-handed comment that me and someone else heard – that he would be eating orange chicken and rice in the shower.  You can imagine how fast the ridiculing started.  I mean, how gross is that?!  The entire office got to talking about it, and I decided to take it a step further and ask the person in charge if they think it is work appropriate to put a poll in the field asking whether or not it is weird to eat food in the shower.

Which brings me to where we are now.  I am going to put it to you, my audience, and see whether or not my beliefs in how weird/gross this is are justified.  I present to you – the soggy chicken poll.  So named because we all joked about how if he were to eat his chicken and rice in the shower, it would be soggy.  Let us put this idea to our collective wisdom.  You’ve never had a more serious obligation in your life.

http://www.strawpoll.me/14876897

Until next time, a quote,

“Gentlemen!  As is custom among our kind, we do not plunge headlong into folly on the orders of a single madman, but act in accord to our collective madness.” – Edward Kenway, Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag

Peace out,

Maverick

Non-Gamer Says Gamers are Ruining Video Games (A response to Cracked)

You know what I hate – how Cracked went from a pretty funny website with funny articles and funny videos to being SJW shit.  That’s what it is – SJW shit.  I didn’t want that to happen, but it did.  Same thing that happened to College Humor and pretty much every other “comedy” site on the Internet.  After all, what comedy is better than PC comedy, am I right?  In a recent video, Cracked decided to have a non-gamer come out and say that us gamers are ruining games.  He claims that he is a gamer, but the reality is that he isn’t.  He’s a poser, pretending that he has all the street cred in the world.  What’s his street cred?  He played Baldur’s Gate.  Well, that sure does sell me.  It would be funny if he didn’t contradict that statement in the video.  I’ll share the video with you all, so you can’t say I’m taking things out of context.  Let’s get to it.

Alright, buddy, you go right out of the gate saying something stupid.  You say that video games are failing.  By what metric?  Financially?  Fuck no.  You say that they were supposed to surpass movies as the new art form.  I would argue that they have.  Hollywood films are churning out sequels, remakes, and reboots so fast that the moment something original comes out, I am stunned.  Meanwhile, while this medium does have a lot of sequel, remake, and reboot bloat as well, at least it has engaging stories that I can get invested in and art design that makes these stories come to life in unique ways.  What about video games is failing?  He gets to his first assertion

Too much violence

That’s why games are failing?  Is violence a little much in games, sometimes.  For example, I love the game LA Noire, but even I admit that there was a ton of violence for no reason.  It was like there were two games in there.  The first one had me solving crimes by getting clues and interrogating witnesses.  That part of the game was fucking awesome!  Then there was a part of the game where I was chasing people, shooting people, and going through insane action set-pieces.  That part of the game got a little repetitive.  However, is the argument that violence is ruining gaming?  If so, then that’s stupid.

He even shows a Tweet by Johnny McIntosh!  Are you fucking kidding me?!  This man’s credibility to know what the fuck he’s talking about is dying by the second.  But I guess the argument is that too much video games are about violence.  If all you see in games is the violence, that’s on you.  As for me, while there are plenty of violent games that I love, the reason that I love them is because they tell unique stories.  It is the story, the character development, and the narrative growth between the violence that gets my attention.  But Hipster McGee’s brother in this video is defending Johnny McIntosh.  Unreal.  I want to punch this hipster faggot.

The anger about people’s reaction to Johnny McIntosh is bad and says bad things about gamers

For the days when Cracked was funny and poked fun at social justice.  I remember those days.  Granted, they were short-lived, but they happened.  Hipster McGee’s brother is one of these people who says that he doesn’t like to call himself a gamer.  Why?  Because gamers are all dicks on the Internet.  His words, not mine.  No, dumb-dumb, it’s people who play video games as a hobby.  You are the stupidest person I have ever seen.  I hate how this guy is so thinly veiling his social justice bullshit behind a wall of trying to say something important about us gamers failing the industry.  Still haven’t heard a single argument about something us gamers are concretely doing, aside from buying video games that are violent.  And I have debunked that garbage.

He says that GamerGate was an “Internet harassment group with ties to white supremacy.”  And his proof is…what, exactly?  Oh, right, none!  He just moves on from there without a single shred of evidence.  Gee, that’s convenient.  Oh, right, he’s an SJW.  The day that they have anything approaching a nuanced argument is the day that my cat sprouts wings and flies.  And, of course, GamerGate says lots of bad things about us gamers too.  We are a terrible bunch of people, if you listen to this hipster and his ilk.  He then makes this wonderfully stupid connection that games about killing people ties in to his assertion that us gamers are angry assholes.  There are not enough faces or enough arms to facepalm how stupid that is.  Yes, because all of us gamers are angry man-children who go into GameStop and tear things apart because of a bad game, right?  What’s that?  We don’t?  And this guy is using the comments on ANYTHING as indicative of something other than the comments section of stuff being cancer?  Right.

We don’t actually care about story

Fuck you!  This is where the hipster faggot’s argument and his credibility just dies.  He says that he grew up with Baldur’s Gate, yet us gamers don’t care about the story.  Really?  A game that is almost-entirely driven by story, and you are saying that us gamers don’t care about story?  That’s neat.  But this idea that us gamers don’t want a good story is insulting.  It’s insulting to the people who have told some truly amazing narratives with this medium, and to people like me who have enjoyed them.

As an example – The Last of Us.  The gameplay in that game wasn’t especially deep or complicated.  It was a pretty simple game, but what made it truly fantastic was the story.  The story of Joel and Ellie.  A narrative with character depth that has made for some truly fantastic arguments about it on various message boards.  It’s the reason that the sequel is going to be on a list of mine, in the not-too-distant future.  I cannot believe that this little hipster worm is going to make such a huge assertion about gamers not caring about story, when the only reason I buy a game is if the story looks good.

The hipster worm actually claims that the stories have never, will never matter to “us.”  Don’t lump yourself in with me, you scrawny piece of shit.  I do care about the story.  It’s all I care about.  Sure, if the gameplay sucks, I won’t be able to get into a game, but the story is the first thing in my mind.  It’s the reason why I think that Final Fantasy XV is a good game, but not a great game.  It has a fun open world to explore, but it does this at the cost of the story, which is boring as fuck.  My biggest gripe with the game is that the story basically gets thrown in the face of the people who play it because it just dies after a while.  Like all the creative energy behind the game crashed and burned.  Part of me wonders what it would have looked like to see Tetsuya Nomura’s original vision.  The hipster worm is actually claiming to speak for me when he says that us gamers don’t like the story.  Fuck this guy.

He goes on to argue that The Last of Us is bad because the story is at the mercy of the game’s controls.  He argues that Ellie is supposed to be seen as vulnerable (which is NOT how I see her), and that’s why Joel saves her at the end.  This guy is so stupid.  The reason that Joel sells humanity up the river at the end of the game is that she is his only connection to the human condition, and he is willing to sell out humanity’s future in order to not lose that.  And Ellie sells out her desire to save the human race to be with this man who is a father to her.  She knows that he’s lying to her, but chooses to stay with him anyway.  I fucking hate this hipster faggot who is making these arguments and claiming to speak for me and all the gamers out there who love this game’s story.

We don’t care if games are art or not

Oh, fuck off!  Let me guess, he brings up Gone Home next.  Ugh!  You know what my argument is – games already are art.  Look at games like Shadow of the Colossus.  An incredible vision design, fun gameplay, and a very gripping narrative.  But maybe that game is too mainstream for you.  I don’t deny, there are plenty of games that I love that are viewed as “art games.”  Most recently, ABZU.  A game that is entirely a water level, which you would think would make it terrible, but it has smooth controls and a gorgeous visual and sound design that makes my eyes well up at the end for the dramatic conclusion.  Then there’s Journey, the most visually-arresting game I have played, with a tragic narrative about a tragic character and the dead world he lives in.  Or games like Flower, where you play as the wind, with the entire game’s experience being a metaphor for a person moving in to a new city and making a life for himself or herself.  But those things are niche.  However, for those who desire them, they have their niche.  Why must all games conform to this?  What are these “art” games that you think are being so ignored?

Once-again, the hipster worm claims to speak for me saying that I don’t care if a game is “art.”  First, what do you define as art?  Second, how do you know what I think?  Third, how on Earth do you have the balls to compare my views on the artistic merits of gaming as comparable to a teenager’s views on booze?  I fucking hate this guy so much.

He then makes the argument that if we “really cared about art,” we wouldn’t have hated the ending to Mass Effect 3 the way we did.  No, dumb-dumb!  That isn’t a problem about caring about art.  The problem with that ending was that it throws out the game’s ENTIRE logic in the trash.  It spits in the face of every logical part of the game by giving you three stupid endings that make no sense and fly in the face of all the logic that the game had so fastidiously built for us with the Codex.  There have been a TON of truly fantastic videos about why the ending doesn’t work.  We don’t care about the artistic merits of the God Kid and the bullshit that comes from his holographic mouth.  What we care about is narrative and universe rules consistency.  The ending flies in the face of all of that.  This guy is so stupid.  I want to beat him over the head with a water bottle until knowledge comes into his head.

Video games are not relaxing

This man has never played ABZU, Flower, Journey, flOw, or Never Alone, just to name a few, and I’m done with this hipster worm.

I hate when people who aren’t actually gamers have to try and convince us that they are in order to sell their bullshit narrative.  And I especially hate when some hipster who clearly grovels at the feet and spent the first two parts of this video white knighting for an SJW claims to speak for me.  I will never wish violence on anyone, but if this guy should just so happen to fall down a flight of stairs into a buck of pork chops and then find the honey badgers, I won’t feel bad.

Until next time, a quote,

“Why can’t people think?” – Cabbie, Sherlock

Peace out,

Maverick

Your Beta is Showing (A response to Paul Feig)

With the new Ghostbusters having come out, it’s pretty clear that Paul Feig is not the best director.  I have had so many film critics that I follow praising this guy’s movies, which is baffling, to me.  His movies aren’t good.  They aren’t bad either.  They are part of this modern breed of mediocre comedies that are pretty much just people in a room, talking.  The visual comedy of movies in days gone by, and films by Edgar Wright (every work of his is a comedic masterpiece) is dead and gone.  I think back to the best comedy movies like Airplane, Blazing Saddles, and even Big Trouble.  The last in that list was made in 2002.  One of the most underrated comedies past the year 2000.  Proof that at least one American director can make a funny movie.  Those movies had so many visual gags, and they were great.  Now it’s just people in a room, talking, and we’re supposed to find everything the actors say funny.  One of the reasons visual comedy is so nice is because it gives the actors/actresses something to do.  Kate McKinnon is the only funny thing left on SNL (that show needed to die 20 years ago), and she’s at her best when she has something to do.

The point of that insane digression is that I think Paul Feig is not a good director.  He has a problem making funny movies, and part of that is due to his shortcomings as a person.  See, Feig is an insanely Beta male, and it’s showing.  There was a Hollywood Reporter video of him getting into a clown suit to make a funny.  It’s one of the cringiest things I’ve ever seen.  Listening to Feig talk about how awesome and wonderful and funny women are and how they are so much better than men just makes him look like a VERY well-paid Internet Beta who wants the rest of the women to like him.  Like if he is nice to them enough, they’ll get with him.  There was a time, and I am ashamed to admit it, but I was like that too.  I am not proud of it, but I grew up and moved on.  Feig has not.  To understand why, look no further than an article that Feig wrote for the Hollywood Reporter where he talks about how unfunny men are.  Set your cringe factor to Maximum, people.  It’s coming in dry.  Here’s a link to his article, now let’s do this.

Poor men. You hear them at the office, in restaurants, in bars, their brains filled with meaningless facts about sports, cars and electronics as they entertain friends with their endless jokes about genitalia and bathroom activities, not to mention their humorous accusations as to the sexual orientation of their conversation partners.

Who are these men?  Really, who are these men?  I have NEVER heard this.  Yeah, me and mine talk about games and stuff.  It’s our hobby.  We also talk about Game of Thrones, random books, whatever comes to our respective minds.  One of the things I love best about the people I can carry on long conversations with is the fact that I don’t know where the conversation will go.  There have been times that we started in one place, and I have no freakin’ clue how we ended where we did.  It be crazy!

And as for your accusation that all of us guys get a funny out of is genital and bathroom “activities,” even for Strawman Male, this makes no sense.  I guess there are plenty of shows with that kind of humor.  It’s low-brow, sure.  But more often than not, the joke is that the person is dumb and finds it funny. And his dumb friends find it funny.  Anytime one of the wives of these characters hears it, they just roll their eyes at their dim-witted husbands.  Oh, and we all apparently are just calling all guys gay too.  Hey, Paul, when I call someone like you a faggot, it isn’t a stab at your sexual orientation.  It’s a stab at what a little bitch you are.  Makes sense that you have such a tiny head.  You have thin skin, too.

They loudly amuse themselves by hurling insults and epithets — the words “dick,” “balls” and “ass” being the etymological anchors of their attacks — all for the express purpose of making one another laugh. They seem to be having such a great time that you’d feel like a monster alerting them to this one unfortunate fact: Men just aren’t funny.

I see this, and all I can think of is that Paul must have been one of the guys that was routinely picked on, growing up.  He must have been the kid who was bullied by all the big jock types, and it has led him to have the prevailing belief that all men are like that.  We’re all the same – overbearing, sports-obsessed, dude-bros who want to drink beers and smack titties.  Too bad that he hasn’t opened himself up to the reality that there are so many other types of guys.  Now he is stuck with this belief that all of us men, and it’s clear that he won’t change.  It doesn’t matter what he is exposed to.  He’ll just believe that it’s the random outlier in the vast chasm of males who are all the jocks who picked on him, growing up.

Oh, sure, there are men who truly make us laugh. None come to mind at the moment, but I know history has provided us with a few. Euripides was sort of a jokester. English poet John Donne got off a corker every once in a while. But in general, the male species’ sense of humor seldom rises above the enjoyment of watching one of their own take a swift shot to the testicles.

Oh, these are the funny males?  Gene Wilder?  You seen him?  Mel Brooks?  Heard of that guy?  Do you watch Edgar Wright’s movies with a big frown on your face the whole time?  If you can watch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and not laugh, I honestly don’t think you’re human.  Or maybe you’ve heard of the greatest master of them all – George Carlin?  That name ring a bell, you putrid, pathetic excuse for a filmmaker?  I guess all of them are just not funny at all.  I’m starting to think that you are just butthurt that there are guys out there can make women laugh without having to metaphorically sodomize themselves for their pleasure.  You pretend that it’s all just toilet humor, but the reality is that it’s something that comes from people who are able to make people laugh without proselytizing themselves.

It makes sense. Men are genetically programmed to hunt and gather. It is they who must impregnate the herd and protect the collective. And so it’s only logical that their brains would need to possess lower humor standards in order to pass the hours entertainingly with their cohorts while stalking that night’s dinner or standing guard against the enemy. Imagine if they had to amuse their fellow warriors with jokes and banter that were actually funny.

Wow.  That’s both stupid and insulting.  Are you insinuating that us men are so stupid that we can’t find things funny?  Fuck you, you beta faggot.  Seriously, what is this standard that you hold humor to?  Give me an example, your pompous, pretentious little bitch.  Given what I’ve seen in some of your movies, maybe it’s a fat chick in a wedding dress dancing terribly.  Because no man could possibly come up with a scene like that.  You know, except when Elaine did it in Seinfeld over 20 years ago.  But that doesn’t count!  What an asshole.  “Men find things funny because men are stupid!”  Why don’t you just come out and say directly that you hate men?  At least then you’re being honest.  I honestly want to know what this standard is that you hold humor to.

Is modern society now ready to transition away from the Myth of Male Hilarity? After all, today’s world has erased most of the survival needs that once required a woman to inflate the comedic self-worth of the men around her.

Groj, this is so insulting.  It’s insulting to the men who have worked on their craft all their lives.  Who’ve gone to comedy clubs, gone to auditions for roles, and really worked on their stage presence and bits.  You are telling those people that they are delusional with this idea that their hard work was worth anything.  Hey Feig – fuck you, you Beta piece of shit.  While you have been making mediocre movies (at best), Mel Brooks had created some of the greatest comedies of all time.  I bet it must piss you off so much.  That people who are infinitely more talented than you could ever hope to be are called comedy legends, while your latest film couldn’t even earn the title of so-bad-it’s-good.  It couldn’t even earn the SJW title of “passably good.”  They died on that hill for a movie that they’ll forget about in a month.  You’re a hack, Feig.  That’s the best you can hope to be.  All the people who praise your work are just being nice.  I watch very nice film critics.  It’s probably a good thing to be nice.  Not me.  I will call you what you are – everything wrong with American comedy movies.

Alas, women’s evolved nature, along with their desire to avoid the dystopian nightmare of men trying even harder to be funny, causes them to withhold the soul-crushing revelation of masculine jocular inferiority. But many more women now also will continue to follow bravely in the footsteps of those pioneering females who elicited laughter before them, risking societal harmony in the name of making the world a more hilarious place.

“Ladies, how can I kiss your ass more?!  Please, I’ll say whatever you want!  Please, notice me!”  The irony is that this is insulting to the women who have worked hard too, in the years leading up to now.  I think back to Carol Burnett.  She was fucking hilarious, in this golden age where us MEN were just pushing the woman down.  It’s not like she became popular because she is good at her job.  Nope, it’s just because us men allowed it to happen.  Or Arleen Sorkin, who voiced Harley Quinn in Batman: The Animated Series.  That awesome delivery that was funny and emotionally hitting, when it needed to be.  The range of that character was great.  Guess she was just given a spot from us men too.  Julia-Louis Dreyfuss?  Given a place by men.  You have spit on everything they accomplished in your goal of prostrating yourself to any woman who will say nice things to you.  There’s a reason that women don’t find this sort of schtick impressive, Feig.  It’s because they find men like you pathetic.  As they should.  You’re the sort of man who, if you weren’t rich, would go right to the friendzone.  Hell, in that video I saw, it sounds like women still find him friendzone material.

So, hail to thee, funny women. Continue to remove the bushels from your bright and uproarious lights, and we in the know will laugh politely at the “funny men” as we wink to one another behind their desperate but well-meaning backs. It’s just the right thing to do.

If it was possible to think less of you, Feig, I would.  But it’s not.  You are the most pathetic little worm I’ve ever seen.  Everything you say is just a desperate plea for women to like you, along with your declaration of how much you don’t like other men.  I find you sickening, and your “talent” for making movies speaks for itself.  Nice film critics will find reasons to be nice to you, but not me.  You’re not bad enough to make bad to the point that it’s good movies.  You just make movies that are mediocre at best.  And from what I’ve heard from critics I like and from friends who actually gave the studio money by buying a ticket, you couldn’t even make Kate McKinnon funny.  Every review has said that Chris Hemsworth is the funniest thing in the movie.  All that talk about “girl power,” and that’s the legacy this movie leaves behind.  The man was the funniest thing in the movie.  I hope it burns, you Beta bitch.

Until next time, a quote,

“Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

Peace out,

Maverick

A Smile for Father’s Day

Well, it’s another Father’s Day coming up.  And there’s something to know about my old man – he is unimaginably difficult to shop for.  What do you get the guy who has everything he wants and wants nothing else? (I want to put it out there that I acknowledge that being happy with what you have is a good character trait.  But it still makes holidays difficult.  So sue me) Here’s an example – when I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he said mousetraps.  Because it seems that my cat is not living up to her namesake and killing a mouse somewhere in the house.  That’s what he told me he wanted.  Now, I could have tried to be creative and really go the extra mile.  But you know what I did instead?  I got him the fucking mousetraps.  Okay, I wasn’t that much of a douche.  I included some candy with them.  But still, I got the guy exactly what he asked for.

Now, with Father’s Day on Sunday, I am at a loss again as to what to do?  I’m currently in crushing poverty due to joblessness, that he didn’t believe me when I said that I put in 4 to 10 applications/resumes per day.  If only I could show him what my Sent folder in my email looks like.  The family would know why I’m depressed.  But I can feel my luck changing.  Things are coming together.  I can feel it.  But I digress.  I’m at a loss again as to what to get the old-timer.  Didn’t even ask.  Partly because I am strapped in the extreme for cash (and being forced to ask for their help for that.  Don’t think that makes me proud for a moment) and partly because I knew that I would likely groan at the answer.  Or at least my mother would.  When she heard him say he wanted mousetraps for Christmas, her reaction was almost vocally-exact to what her mother said to her husband.  I swear, it was almost pitch-perfect.

So what am I going to do?  I thought long and hard, and I figured out what I’m going to give.  It’s the best gift I know how to give – a smile.  How will I do that?  With the written word.  Since I know the parentals read my site, they’ll come across this and hopefully they get a laugh.  I will retell an anecdote for you all, which will make you smile, and hopefully the memory of it makes him.  Here goes.

My father is a hunter.  Pretty good at it, too.  I watched one time where he shot a moose so perfectly that it did a backflip and died.  That was kind of amazing.  Good eating, too.  Unlike hunters who just want a head to mount on their wall, we eat what we catch.  Moose is awesome.  Best burgers in the world are made from it.  Man, I am the king of digressions tonight, aren’t I?

Anyway, it was one fateful night when he was out on the hunt.  Left the dog home.  He’s a giant lug, who has all the brain cells of marbles in a tin can.  Carefully stalking prey isn’t what the albino lab is made for.  Myself, the mother-unit, and the dog were doing whatever, when the mother calls me out to the living room.  I do so, and she tells me that he sent her a text, telling her that he’s on to something and coming our way.  Since the prey is likely to come by the house, the logical thing to do is get a rifle for her to shoot, if she gets a chance to finish the job.  Turns out, she gets that chance.  What happens next is just the first part of a wonderfully-hilarious night.

The rifle was a lever-action.  Cocking it should have been the easiest thing.  But did she?  Nope.  Why?  Because for reasons totally unknown, she couldn’t.  I got a laugh while this moose was literally right outside the door.  I should have grabbed the rifle and shot it myself.  I at least know how to cock a lever-action rifle.  But because my mother is incapable of doing so, the old man ended up shooting it.  And it didn’t drop.  It kept moving.  Moving to where, you might ask?  Into a giant grove of trees, that’s what.  A giant mess of old, dead trees that are rotting.  Getting in there was a mess.  It was late at night.  The sun was setting fast.  The light was very limited.  Which means that they had to work quickly.  The animal had to be skinned, gutted, and the vital meat components taken out and hung up.  We couldn’t leave it out there.

Working at night, someone had to have the honorable duty of holding the flash-light.  Believe it or not, but this is something the old man takes very seriously.  Something he apparently got from his father.  If you messed up with the light, that was not a good thing.  Guess who got to hold the light?  Me!  It was deemed my duty.  The parentals would skin and gut, while I held the light.  While the holding of the light is something that my old man takes very seriously, I am in insufferable smartass who is utterly-incapable of stopping myself from being such.  And we were out there for some time.

So what did I do?  I found a way to liven things up!  See, the parents are getting on in their years.  Old couples like the argue.  The parents do it all the time.  While the skinning and gutting of the moose was taking place, they were bickering almost non-stop.  So what did I do?  I found a way to make it into a joke.  I did my best David Attenborough impression and narrated their skinning and gutting as if in a nature documentary.  I was quite proud of myself.  The parents both looked like they wanted to strangle me.  But because I am quite good with voicework and my narrations were funny, they couldn’t bring themselves to stop me.  Who else was going to hold the light?

We ended up getting a crap-ton of moose meat.  It was a good night.  But the thing to take away from this is – if my mother had been able to cock a lever-action rifle, none of that would have happened.  But where’s the fun in that?  To this day, whenever something ridiculous is going on at my house (you wouldn’t BELIEVE how often that happens) I decide to take up the smartass tradition of narrating.

And that’s the Father’s Day story.  None of this happened on Father’s Day, mind you.  But it’s just a story to make people smile.  Hopefully that worked.

Until next time, a quote,

“Here we see the two hunter, stuck in a natural hazard, trying to quickly skin their catch while the light fades.  The hunters do not work well together, and thus there is tension in the group.”  -Lucien Maverick

Peace out,

Maverick