Well, I think I am going to do a 100% personal post. I haven’t done one of these in a while. Normally, I use this site to say what I am thinking about an issue, and am able to be very liberal with my use of profanity, unlike my professional blog, where I have to be very PC. I had a thought put to me by a guy who I wouldn’t call a really tight friend, but he is a person who I know and like. I ran into him a little bit ago at the dining hall here at the dorms. He and I don’t see all that much of one-another these days. I will admit, I kind of regret that. I haven’t stayed in touch with several people.
But this friend of mine, he posed a question to me – why are you getting so angry at Christians? He noted that my posts seem to have gotten angrier and angrier at these people. I thought about it, and I will tell you all why, because many of you might have noticed that too.
Let me first say that I am not one of those people who is a naturally happy guy. I generally tend to be pretty melancholy. It’s just how I am. I could take pills for it, but I would much rather not. While I love modern medicine, there is just something about drugs that mess with your mind that I don’t like. I was on such drugs for a long time, and I hated them. So, I am naturally just the kind of guy that people do like, but only for short periods of time. There are very few people who I am able to see regularly, who can tolerate my existence.
And this semester has had a lot of drag on my mental health. A LOT of drag. It’s been really hard. It all started with how I got back here. I came back, having things between a person that I am related to falling apart. I am seeing that the bridge between us is on fire, in a really big way. I figure that by the end of this summer, it will be burned to cinders.
From there, things didn’t get much better. This semester’s workload has really been dragging me down, and I really am trying to keep ahead of things. But every time I thought I did well, I didn’t. I told myself that this was going to be the semester that I didn’t fall short, that I really stood tall and did this. Instead, it has been one progessive failure after the other. It’s been really disheartening. I am keeping on top of things, but only just.
Then a thing I had going with a friend died out, and that was even worse. She told us that she worried about us. Like she pitied us. Like we needed her sympathy. Like we didn’t have anything but her. Bullshit! We have plenty! Well, we had plenty. That’s the other thing – my oldest friend, who I had just found after 8 years, left my life. The chances that we are going to see each other in the flesh again are incredible small.
But it was just so angering that this girl, who I have found out has been telling some of her friends about her and I (which I was kind of hoping she wouldn’t do). She looks down on us. She pities us. I hate to be pitied. I hate to feel like people have sympathy on me. I can stand on my own two feet, Dammit! I don’t need her pity! Sorry, it’s just, that hits a nerve with me.
For years, after my accident, everybody felt sorry for me. I was basically an invalid, and I hated every moment of it. When people pity me, it really gets to me. When they feel sorry for me. And what she said, that made me feel all that anger come rushing back from back then.
Plus, there is the fact that she was telling people about us. If we were a couple, a technical thing, I would get that. But when it just gets around who one is hooking up with, it makes it feel…cheap, I guess. I’m kind of new to the whole “friends with benefits” game. It is one I don’t mean to repeat. Getting with her was a mistake, I know that now. She’s a good person, and I wish her well, but wanting that just hurts more, because it makes me think that I can’t get something more. I had that one great relationship, and was that it?
Moving on, another thing that has been making me angry lately is the amount of distance that people keep me at. For real, it seems like every time I try to reach out to somebody, they immediately back off. What, I can’t have a needy moment? That’s totally unacceptable in the social contract? I guess it is, because I am here, in this room, and it seems like nobody wants to talk to me anymore. That what I am – alone. Absolutely alone. This room has turned into solitary confinement.
And that’s another thing – my best friend is keeping me at a distance! I keep saying that we should hang out, and I get totally non-committal responses. Granted, she is busy as hell. I respect that, because she has to be. But still, at least sounding enthused, or liking the idea would be nice. She just talks about it like it’s just something that is happening. I always get the feeling that she is trying to keep some distance between us. To keep me at arm’s length. Why? What did I do? Granted, I am into her, and I keep hoping that we can be something, but I am very good at seperating my attraction for somebody from my friendship with them. I have another girl who I do the same thing.
But to have nobody seem interested. To have everybody not talk to me at all when I try and reach out to them, it’s pretty angering. Granted, I do have one person who I am able to still reach out to. She’s a total sweetie. She’s a little tiny person, and she is the closest thing to a soul mate that I have. Of course, there are some glaring differences between us, but I can look past it, because she is a kind person, and I genuinely have intense feelings for her. I just know that we couldn’t work as a couple because of those differences.
So yeah, I am very angry this semester. It seems like everything is going wrong. And for those of you wondering why I am going after the Christians so hard, that is it. I am venting my anger at life on the most annoying people that I can find. I deliberately find the most bigoted and hateful thing I can to attack, so I can unleash all of my anger on these people.
And considering the fact that you all read it, I’m assuming that you all don’t have a problem with it either.
Until next time, a quote,
“Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them.” -James Fallows