The Tiny Light

So long it seems
So long ago
We met and forgot
Forgot one-another

We found each other
Once again, years later
So tiny, so unique
I knew at once, and I cared

A new friendship
So different from all the others
Unlike nothing I’ve ever felt before
I felt so alive, with her

Time passed
The friendship grew
The bond became stronger
Yet also strange

We’re so different
So unlikely
Those few things in common
They helped nurture a bond like no other

It grew on, getting stronger all the time
Something more developed inside
Unsure at first
Didn’t want to admit it

More time passed
Feelings got stronger still
Feelings of light
Feelings of love

I had fallen in love
I didn’t know how to say it
Wasn’t the time
You were involved

Another chance came
We tried
Didn’t hit
Love lost, love missed

You found another
A new way of life
A new way of being
One we couldn’t follow

Then chance arrived
A chance we had prayed for
You were open to us
You wanted to try

We got a place together
We got a life to live
At first, it was amazing
But there were old ghosts

Ghosts of a love before
A love that was not us
A love that didn’t go away
We didn’t know what to do

We were still new
It had been so long since
Since the time we were in love
Could we do this again

Finally, the day comes
We are ready and eager
We change our Facebook status
The dawn was filled with hope again

And just like that, it fades
You want out
You are unsure
Why?

You don’t live here anymore
I cry, as I haven’t done in a very long time
You never know what you’ve lost
Until it’s gone

I want to say these words
Want to say them to you
I love you
I miss you

I wish you loved me too

Peace out,

Maverick

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What We Believe In

One of the biggest questions that one asks themselves as they get older is what they believe in.  Who they are and what they want to be.  Where their value system comes from.  For me, this question gives me more than a little pause.  Not because I believe in bad things, but because I don’t believe in anything.  Hear me out – I tend to flow with life.  I have a values system, but it isn’t based on anything, so much as just being a system I use.  Perhaps writing this out will let me sort it all out.

I have always been a person who believes that the best way to look at life is through self-determination and consent.  So long as all parties involved in something are able to consent and do, I don’t care what they do after that.  For real, if 20 people want to get married to each other, with it being two girls and 18 guys, so be it, and vice-versa.  The life choices of people who are able and do consent to things is none of my business.  It’s none of yours, either.  So many people who hear this think that I am behind pedophilia or all sorts of wonderfully dark behaviors.  Last I checked, a child can’t consent to things.  So, that clears that accusation.  But is that an actual belief?  It sounds like it, but it doesn’t feel like it.  It feels like that is the logical path to take.  The one that makes the most sense.  I mean, just because you don’t get or don’t like something, does that give you a right to say that people shouldn’t do it?  I don’t get people who get into animal costumes and fuck, but that doesn’t stop me from believing that they have every right to do so.

I am not a religious person.  Never have been.  Ever.  Even as a kid, I heard about this dude in the sky who created everything, leaving his only proof in a book that was written by desert people, with no knowledge outside of their culture, and it just seemed so silly to me.  To this day, I don’t believe in any of that.  Besides, Jesus and God aren’t interesting characters.  Their stories are pretty bland, the side-characters are all one-note and they all have the same theme – worship me.  At least with Cthulhu, his stories are interesting.  I’d rather worship a being who is fun, rather than who is just pathetically jealous, insecure and vengeful.  So that’s another thing I don’t believe.

I don’t believe in friendship, really.  I’ve had three people who were the closest to me either abandon or betray me.  With the most recent, it was both.  I want to believe so much, but at the same time, I can’t.  I’ve been fucked over too many times for that.  I still work at it, and still have people that me and me care about, but we go into new friendships believing that we are going to be betrayed at some point.  Or abandoned.

I suppose I believe in evidence, but my standard of proof is only as high as I think it needs to be, depending on the issue.  Some things, like economic, governmental and scientific stuff, it’s high.  Whether or not a person is pulling my leg, it’s low.  But that isn’t so much a belief, because it’s evidence.  The whole idea is that I want something proven to me.  I can’t just take something on faith.  So that’s not a belief.

The way I see it, beliefs are drives.  They drive you to do something.  Someone who believes that they are going to go on to do great things will strive to do great things.  Someone who believes that they are going to be in love with the same person for the rest of their lives will strive to do that.  For us, we don’t have that.  We have no real drives, other than to see what happens tomorrow.  It’s like Urdnot Bakara in Mass Effect 3.  We go day by day.

Though if we had to pick something – I believe that we will always be alone.  I just can’t imagine anyone having a crush on us.  Anyone smiling when we text (because we aren’t a fan of calling).  Anyone getting butterflies when I say hi.  I can’t imagine any of that.  I’m annoying, REALLY weird, not all there (psychologically), really depressing and not much to look at.  The last relationship we had was not especially healthy, and ever since it ended, we don’t have anyone knocking at our door.  Nor anyone who has seemed interested.  I keep hearing about how being positive and happy is something people are attracted to.  I can’t feel happiness like you all do.  I haven’t since a head injury, a long time ago.  Eleven years, now.

I don’t believe in anything.  Or maybe I do and I can’t see it.  Either way, me and me don’t believe.  We are going through life with no ties to the world and nothing to lose.  Why do we keep going?  I’ll let you know when I figure that out.

Until next time, a quote,

“What do any of us really believe in?” -Deborah Morgan, Dexter

Peace out,

Maverick

The Me that is Now

Well, I think I am going to do a 100% personal post.  I haven’t done one of these in a while.  Normally, I use this site to say what I am thinking about an issue, and am able to be very liberal with my use of profanity, unlike my professional blog, where I have to be very PC.  I had a thought put to me by a guy who I wouldn’t call a really tight friend, but he is a person who I know and like.  I ran into him a little bit ago at the dining hall here at the dorms.  He and I don’t see all that much of one-another these days.  I will admit, I kind of regret that.  I haven’t stayed in touch with several people.

But this friend of mine, he posed a question to me – why are you getting so angry at Christians?  He noted that my posts seem to have gotten angrier and angrier at these people.  I thought about it, and I will tell you all why, because many of you might have noticed that too.

Let me first say that I am not one of those people who is a naturally happy guy.  I generally tend to be pretty melancholy.  It’s just how I am.  I could take pills for it, but I would much rather not.  While I love modern medicine, there is just something about drugs that mess with your mind that I don’t like.  I was on such drugs for a long time, and I hated them.  So, I am naturally just the kind of guy that people do like, but only for short periods of time.  There are very few people who I am able to see regularly, who can tolerate my existence.

And this semester has had a lot of drag on my mental health.  A LOT of drag.  It’s been really hard.  It all started with how I got back here.  I came back, having things between a person that I am related to falling apart.  I am seeing that the bridge between us is on fire, in a really big way.  I figure that by the end of this summer, it will be burned to cinders.

From there, things didn’t get much better.  This semester’s workload has really been dragging me down, and I really am trying to keep ahead of things.  But every time I thought I did well, I didn’t.  I told myself that this was going to be the semester that I didn’t fall short, that I really stood tall and did this.  Instead, it has been one progessive failure after the other.  It’s been really disheartening.  I am keeping on top of things, but only just.

Then a thing I had going with a friend died out, and that was even worse.  She told us that she worried about us.  Like she pitied us.  Like we needed her sympathy.  Like we didn’t have anything but her.  Bullshit!  We have plenty!  Well, we had plenty.  That’s the other thing – my oldest friend, who I had just found after 8 years, left my life.  The chances that we are going to see each other in the flesh again are incredible small.

But it was just so angering that this girl, who I have found out has been telling some of her friends about her and I (which I was kind of hoping she wouldn’t do).  She looks down on us.  She pities us.  I hate to be pitied.  I hate to feel like people have sympathy on me.  I can stand on my own two feet, Dammit!  I don’t need her pity!  Sorry, it’s just, that hits a nerve with me.

For years, after my accident, everybody felt sorry for me.  I was basically an invalid, and I hated every moment of it.  When people pity me, it really gets to me.  When they feel sorry for me.  And what she said, that made me feel all that anger come rushing back from back then.

Plus, there is the fact that she was telling people about us.  If we were a couple, a technical thing, I would get that.  But when it just gets around who one is hooking up with, it makes it feel…cheap, I guess.  I’m kind of new to the whole “friends with benefits” game.  It is one I don’t mean to repeat.  Getting with her was a mistake, I know that now.  She’s a good person, and I wish her well, but wanting that just hurts more, because it makes me think that I can’t get something more.  I had that one great relationship, and was that it?

Moving on, another thing that has been making me angry lately is the amount of distance that people keep me at.  For real, it seems like every time I try to reach out to somebody, they immediately back off.  What, I can’t have a needy moment?  That’s totally unacceptable in the social contract?  I guess it is, because I am here, in this room, and it seems like nobody wants to talk to me anymore.  That what I am – alone.  Absolutely alone.  This room has turned into solitary confinement.

And that’s another thing – my best friend is keeping me at a distance!  I keep saying that we should hang out, and I get totally non-committal responses.  Granted, she is busy as hell.  I respect that, because she has to be.  But still, at least sounding enthused, or liking the idea would be nice.  She just talks about it like it’s just something that is happening.  I always get the feeling that she is trying to keep some distance between us.  To keep me at arm’s length.  Why?  What did I do?  Granted, I am into her, and I keep hoping that we can be something, but I am very good at seperating my attraction for somebody from my friendship with them.  I have another girl who I do the same thing.

But to have nobody seem interested.  To have everybody not talk to me at all when I try and reach out to them, it’s pretty angering.  Granted, I do have one person who I am able to still reach out to.  She’s a total sweetie.  She’s a little tiny person, and she is the closest thing to a soul mate that I have.  Of course, there are some glaring differences between us, but I can look past it, because she is a kind person, and I genuinely have intense feelings for her.  I just know that we couldn’t work as a couple because of those differences.

So yeah, I am very angry this semester.  It seems like everything is going wrong.  And for those of you wondering why I am going after the Christians so hard, that is it.  I am venting my anger at life on the most annoying people that I can find.  I deliberately find the most bigoted and hateful thing I can to attack, so I can unleash all of my anger on these people.

And considering the fact that you all read it, I’m assuming that you all don’t have a problem with it either.

Until next time, a quote,

“Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them.”  -James Fallows

Peace out,

Maverick

My Grown-up Christmas List

When I was a kid, life seemed so much simpler.  Christmas was such an amazing time of year because I hardly got any sleep, wondering what presents I got.  I think all kids are greedy little bastards, but perhaps that’s okay.  I mean, it comes but once a year, and it makes them happy.  That’s not a bad thing, right?  As a grown-up, I now think about what I want.  What I really want.  None of it is material.  The gifts that I truly want are, well, see for yourself

  • I want a place where I can sleep.
    I’m tired all the time, but while my body may rest, it isn’t sleep.  It is just being unconscious.  To me, being able to sleep means finding a place where my mind can find solace.  The only time that has ever happened was in the arms of another.  I am casually sleeping with somebody, but it isn’t for the sex.  At least, not completely.  It is for the quiet moments, and being able to sleep again.  I have missed sleep so much.  I have missed being able to not be alone at night.  I am still looking for a real relationship, for real love, but for now, I am glad for this.  However, what I truly want is a place where I can find true sleep.
  • I want my friends to be able to have good lives.
    So often, I talk to my friends, the people that I care about most, and I hear all the hardship, all the pain, all the effort, with so little gain.  One friend is going to be working two jobs just to get by, almost never doing anything fun.  It is a bitter truth – that she has to do that.  Then there is my best friend.  She works so unbelievably hard.  She is absolutely swamped.  This semester, she was broken by a relationship coming apart so bad that she was physically ill for some time.  But she still kept at it, still stood strong.  She has so much work on her plate because she has to live.  She is going to college, while also working every chance that she isn’t in class.  She busts her ass, and will still just barely be scrapping by.  Her home life is hell too.  This isn’t the kind of life that a person should be forced to live.  I know that there are so many others who have that and worse, and I wish they all could be happy, but these people are the ones that are right in front of me, and I wish that they could have a joyful life.
  • I want a place that I feel welcome at.
    I come back here, day in and day out, I am made to feel like crap.  I am told about how I am just so worthless, how I am so disrespectful, how I am so rude, how I am so dumb.  All I ever hear in this place anymore is about how awful a child I am.  I hear about how I never help, and about how I never listen.  I hear about how I do this wrong, that wrong, how I am not doing enough.  I wake up to it, I got to sleep to it.  I am so unbelievably bitter, but nobody cares.  They only care that they get “help.”  Like I have never helped anybody around here ever.  No, I am cooking dinner for them, helping with two Christmas dinners, but no, I’ve never done anything to help anybody.  And this is how it always is.  I hate this place.  I hate everything about it.  I hate the bright lights, I hate the colored paper.  I fucking hate Christmas!  No, I don’t hate Christmas – I hate everything!  I hate every single aspect of this fucking house and whenever I am here, in the summer or winter, I get to hear about what a bad son I am.  Fuck this place!  I want out!  I want a home where I can go and always feel welcome.  This home is nothing but an emotional gulag, and the people in it are my jailors.  If I could have, I would have stayed in Anchorage.  I always would.  I have never, and will never feel at home here.  I wish there was somewhere that did.
  • I want time to pass slower.
    There are so many times that I am with somebody whose company I enjoy so much, but it is so incredibly brief that it isn’t like we got to spend time together at all.  I am gone from their company in a blink.  That really sucks.  It seems like all the really good moments that I get are so incredibly brief.  It’s almost like they don’t happen.  I would shed a tear about it, if I still had tears to shed.  I lost those ages ago.
  • I want there to be some kind of meaning to it all.
    It seems like all the pain and suffering that I went through with my head injury, and still go through with the medical hell my life has become, and all of the shit that happens to everybody I care about (the few that there are), like it is all just part of a rigged game that you can’t escape, so why bother?  That’s a horrible paradigm to have to work with.  If only there was a reason to it all.  I secretly know there isn’t.  There is no God, so that’s out.  There is no supreme being or magical entities or anything.  We are all just on a speck of rock floating in the vastness of the cosmos, clinging to existence at the edges of nowhere.  But part of me wishes that there was a reason.  I don’t wish for God or gods, let me be understood.  I wish for reason.  It may not make sense to you, but there is a reason.

So that’s it, that’s the Christmas list that I have as a grown-up.  I really want these wishes to come true, but they won’t.  Instead, I will just keep going, not knowing what to do.  Life sucks, it really does.  I keep trying, but in the end, the end result is the same – that I am just going through the motions of living.  I don’t care about life, not really.  I just keep going thinking that someday, maybe, it will all be better.  Part of me has given up hope to that point.

Until next time, a quote,

“”I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see… they’re all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down…. There’s no conclusive science.  My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting…. I find it more comforting to believe that this isn’t simply a test.”  -Gregory House, House M.D.

Peace out,

Maverick

The Problems with Modern Humanity

There was an interesting post on Cracked.com.  It talked about the reasons why we actually would like to have a zombie apocalypse.  A lot of people think that site is just a humor site, so all we need to do is go there for the lulz.  But this site is actually really engaging, and one point that they touched on with this post was something that I have been pondering for quite some time – what is the basic problem with humanity right now?  After some long thought (I am not a scientist, so don’t take this opinion as a statement of belief of fact), I have come to what I believe to be the primary problem with humanity – a lack of simplicity.

There was a time, and it wasn’t as far back as you’d think, that life was pretty simple.  In the earliest of human civilizations, life was incredibly simple.  Find food, find shelter, eat food, mate, produce offspring.  That’s it.  It was that simple.  These things were basic needs up until probably the invention of electricity.  When we were able to make power, that was when we started to really expand as a species.  Some could argue that industrialization was when we started to lose simplicity, but I believe that once electricity was wide-spread, that was when we really started to get more complicated as a species.

Take a look at us now.  People in this generation especially have more information bombarding them than at any other time in human history.  I have made the argument that this is the best time to live in because there is no longer a barrier of culture.  Not really, when you think about it.  We can all thank the Internet.  It has removed all barriers because online, there are no national borders.  It is all in the mix, and if you are there, you can’t claim nationality.  It has no place.  This is a blessing and a curse.

The curse is that since the internet has connected almost every single aspect of human society, we have completely lost simplicity.  When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing you do?  That’s easy, turn on your computer and check your Facebook, your email, the news.  The internet is the first place that you go.  This is how society works.  But while you are checking your Facebook, you are watching TV, reading funny posts, doing paperwork, getting your family ready for work and school.  You are doing a million things at once.  We all do, from the guy living in a single apartment, to the wealthiest businessman in New York City (who is bleeding the poor dry).  They are all multi-tasking.  They are all doing a billion things at once.

It is pretty clear why people are sucking down anti-depressants or sucking down booze at the end of the week.  We are a species that is simply not wired for this kind thing.  We are simply not made for this much demand of our minds at any given time.  It is making the human race go a little bit nuts, but nobody takes the time to think about it.  Of course, I am not advocating for a lack of technology, I am just saying what we are all thinking – multi-tasking is driving us crazy.

I don’t think this is a gender thing, either.  There is data showing how women are better at it than men, but I don’t think that the ladies are getting by with this world of constant bombardment of information and constant multi-tasking any better than men are.  Because of the cultural stigmas associated with looking weak, I think you see a lot more evidence of it with women than with men, because we tend to bottle things up.  However, I think that both genders are plagued by the culture that we have all become consumed with.

Really, this is the best of times, and the worst of times.  It is the best of times because we are able to live more comfortably than at any time in our history.  There are still problems, sure, but overall, this is an incredibly nice time to live.  However, it is the worst of times because, and you can see this everywhere, nobody really knows what to do with themselves.  We are all just consumed with the endless tedium that has really taken over our daily lives here in the developed world.

So, what can we do?  That’s the point where I really have no definite answer.  One one hand, I am a very big fan of my modern comforts.  I am not advocating for living like the Amish.  For one reason, I like my indoor plumbing WAY too much to just give that up on a whim.  For another, we can’t deny progress just because it causes some problems.  As a species, we have to be smarter than that.  We have to be able to realize that progress is a part of nature, and one that we can influence.

Perhaps what needs to be done is that humanity needs to find a way to shut out the constant bombardment of information, and find time to make some peace for yourself.  Of course, that is a concept that the status quo hates.  Take a look at how many Starbucks joints there are and you’ll see what I am talking about.  Like Bill Maher said –

If Speed is your drug, you are so hooked up in America.

We like our people to go back to being cogs in the machine, to help the machine go forward.  The rich in this country have always liked that.  So this comes back to the ultimate question – what do we do?  Finding a zombie apocalypse would be a touch bit tricky, so that is out.

Maybe the greatest thing that humanity could do is to not be a part of this machine that keeps attacking us with useless information and coffee.  Maybe the secret to finding happiness is to be outside of it, and to make life simpler for yourself, in whatever way you can.  But what do I know?

Until next time, a quote,

“An apocalypse of zombie proportions would be a throwback to that simpler time… but with one important difference mentioned above: You’re not in constant danger of starving. There’s tons of places to barricade, lots of items for creating weapons and plenty of zombies to slaughter. And that’s it; those are your tasks for the day. Get sustenance, find shelter and slaughter zombies.”  -Cracked.com, 5 Reasons You Secretly Want A Zombie Apocalypse

Peace out,

Maverick

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