Lucien’s First Take: Aladdin Trailer (2019)

You know what I hate?  Modern Disney.  Modern Disney has lost every ounce of the creativity that old-school Disney had.  Their creativity hit its last peak in the 90’s, and after that it’s all been downhill.  Now, because Disney is so devoid of creativity and desperate for quick bullshit that they can cash in on because they need to get pools of money that they can dive into like Scrooge McDuck, we have live-action remakes of their biggest movies back when they were animated and cool.  And they have, without a SINGLE EXCEPTION, sucked.  Badly.  They are all terrible.  The worst offender among them is the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast.  A film that proved that not only can Emma Watson not act, but she also can’t sing.  Go figure.

Since Disney is out of creativity, they also decided that they should take the time to shit on the legacy of Robin Williams as well, and make a remake of one of their best animated films, where the late actor was able to bring so much to it.  His role as Genie is iconic.  But hey, that’s just how it goes.  I guess Will Smith will get a crack at it.  The idea of having to hear him sing “Never Had a Friend Like Me” makes my cringe muscles go out of control.

However, they have finally released a trailer.  Before this, there was the poster for the film, and I will say that if there is one and only thing that they did right in this, it’s that the lamp looks cool.  That’s it.  Now, let’s watch the trailer for this movie and see what the damage is.

We begin on what is, admittedly, a very cool shot of the Arabian dessert.  Sand dunes are always very beautiful to film.  While the heat and I are not friends, part of me would love to see that scenery in person someday.  But we have this terrible orchestral version of the song that begins the animated film, “Arabian Nights.”  Oh Groj.  Not holding up well and we’re only a few seconds in.

Then we cut to another shot of the dunes, but look!  A CG city in the background!  Oh boy!  Obvious CG is obvious.  It’s not even well integrated.  It looks so out of place in this setting.  We get a closer shot, with CG parrot who I am going to assume is Iago.  It’s a safe assumption.  And just like every CG character in all the live-action versions of these movies, it looks bad.  These films really have hit a high mark in all having consistently terrible CG creations.  That’s almost impressive.  Not a single film stands out in any real way for quality CG characters.  Maybe it’s because I am just so conditioned to this shit and it has gotten to the point that I don’t take this shit seriously anymore.  Oh how I long for the days of practical effects.  Would it have been that hard to train a real parrot to fly around?  I guess they couldn’t do that over a CG environment where everything looks fake.  The bird would get lost in front of a green-screen.

We get to hear the voice of the Cave of Wonders!  Oh boy!  The creepy cave that appears from the dunes because of a weird magic beetle thing.  So how bad is this CG going to look?  The irony is that it was CG in the animated film, and I guarantee that will have looked a million times better.  Wait, what?  It’s a regular cave, but with glowing eyes?  Then how, exactly, has no one gone to get that lamp before?  If this cave is just sitting there waiting, then how has no one gone in there?  The voice-over tells me that only the “diamond in the rough” can enter, but if the place doesn’t open, then that rings hollow.  I’m sure that the cave disappears without some terrible CG effect.  I was right, though.  The Cave of Wonders in the original film, with dated CG, looks better than this.  Can nothing impress me in this trailer?

Oh look!  CG cave!  With CG treasure!  In an entirely CG backdrop without a single bit of an actual set!  Wow!  That’s so fake that the fakeness of it is leaping right off the fucking screen at me.  We get the title in that iconic font, and then we have Arab main character guy reaching for the lamp, which, as I said before, does look cool.  There.  I found one thing that impresses me – the lamp.  Congrats, Disney.  Some underpaid artisan worked really hard on a cool piece to go with a terrible movie.  Kudos to that craftsman.  Whatever you paid them, it wasn’t enough.

This looks so fucking stupid.  This is the next entry in the creatively bankrupt Disney corporation, who is so desperate to just cash in instead of taking risks.  Gotta love.  Of course, these films make bank, so I guess the retarded American public eats this shit up too.  So I get to be in a wonderful minority of people who see all these truly amazing films languish on the vine, while endless dreck like superhero films and whatever cash-grab remake, reboots, sequel, or live-action version has the intellectually-void public paying money for.  This country needs to fucking die.  Not kidding.

Initial Verdict
I’m so sorry, Robin Williams, that Disney wants to shit on your legacy

Peace out,

Maverick

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Proof that Hollywood Doesn’t Care About Social Justice

I’ve talked at length about how people’s idea that Hollywood actually gives a shit about their social justice cause is stupid, but now I finally have seen actual evidence that makes it very clear that they couldn’t give a shit less, so long as they can make money from it.  If it gets in the way of money, then they couldn’t give any less fucks.  We see so many films like pretty much all of the Transformers sequels and now The Meg where the setting has large portions in China, has white actors in action roles, and nothing that could possibly offend the sensibilities of anyone.  However, it goes deeper than that.

The PRC put out some regulations for Hollywood when it comes to any kind of content that they will allow on their screens, and what would have to be cut from a movie in order to show it in China.  Here’s a link to a longer post about it, but I want to cut out something in-particular.  The post above has a list of all the things that have to be cut, but something caught my eye.  Have you ever noticed that Disney is all about every kind of diversity under the sun except for one?  Not seeing many gay people in their movies, are you?  The LGBT community is strangely absent from their movies.  Why is that?  The aforementioned list can tell you.

Showing obscene and vulgar content, exposing scenes of promiscuity, rape, prostitution, sexual acts, perversion, homosexuality, masturbation and private body parts including the male or female genitalia; containing dirty and vulgar dialogues, songs, background music and sound effects;

There you have it.  The entire reason that there is hardly any representation of the LGBT community in major Hollywood productions.  It’s because they want that precious Chinese cheddar!  And by cheddar, I mean money.  Theater attendance in America has been steadily decreasing, and last year saw a 25-year low.  Meanwhile, in China, their attendance steadily climbs and is actually offsetting any losses in domestic markets.  It is getting to the point that, if Hollywood isn’t already figuring to stop catering to American audiences, they soon will.  It is getting to the point that it’s more profitable to have movies that are tailored to a Chinese audience than an American one.

And all these people care about is the money.  Guess what, “oppressed” group X – that means you don’t matter to them!  So to all the people who made those stupid hashtags #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend and #GiveElsaAGirlfriend, you might as well kiss either of those ideas goodbye.  Because that would mean that one of their biggest markets won’t go see it.  I remember all those people talking about the lesbian couple in Finding Dory that is on the screen for two seconds.  You know why it was that short?  Because they can edit that out!

Everyone seems to want to believe that their group is going to be represented in some big way in major blockbusters.  To hell with the Indie films that have great representation, or the smaller movies that do it well.  They want their “oppressed” group represented.  Well, if that group is any of the letters in LGBT, then it won’t be you, because they will make less money.  And at the end of the day, that is ALL they care about.  Nothing else matters.  Does it hurt, knowing your group means less to them than their shillings?  It shouldn’t.  Hollywood, just like the news industry, is a whore.

Tell you what – next big movie that has LGBT representation, get your ass in theaters!  Fill up those seats.  I mean really do it.  To the point that they can see what a huge market it is domestically to offset the cost of overseas.  But we all know that that won’t happen.  There is a reason that these people want their “oppressed” group represented in major blockbusters – so they can get the domestic audience to see it.  Because they magically believe that if their group is in a major motion picture, with hundreds of millions in sales, all of the people will look at that and go – Holy shit, gay people are real!  And they do real stuff just like me!  I won’t be a horrible bigot anymore!  There’s a neat fantasy world to live in.

All of the group you believe care about your group and your “oppression” don’t.  They care about how much money they can make.  That’s how it’s always been, and how it always will be.  And part of why movies like 2016’s Ghostbusters will never get a sequel is because they get banned in China.  Think about that part too.

Until next time, a quote,

“How do we not make it a big deal to be gay?  Personally, I don’t give a shit.  It’s not ‘tolerance.’  It’s not ‘acceptance.’  It’s apathy.  And I feel that’s about as advanced as it gets.  If someone says to me, ‘Hey, did you hear Ellen Page fucks women?!’ my reaction would be the same as if someone said ‘hey, did you hear that peaches are on sale?!’  I don’t fucking care.  Good for Ellen Page and peaches.  That’s where we should be as a society.  Just not really caring what other people do with their day, so long as it doesn’t harm anyone else.” – A Dose of Buckley

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Review: Solo: A Star Wars Movie

I swore that I am never paying to go to anything associated with Star Wars again, and I meant it.  But when my buddy called me up all sad and drunk and told me that he wanted to see it to take his mind off things and would pay my way, I decided that I would spend his money.  No sweat off my back.  After the shit-show that was The Last Jedi, this couldn’t possibly be as bad, right?  Well, yeah, it really couldn’t possibly be as bad as that flaming pile of shit.  But that doesn’t make it good.  In fact, what I would describe this movie as is painfully average.  It does nothing to surprise you, and is a boring movie to sit through.  It’s so by-the-numbers that I could see where it was going long before I got there.  Let’s talk about it.

The plot goes that instead of our boy Han Solo being some studious dude who happens to fall into crime (which is a story I would actually have liked, or at least SOME kind of inclination to who he was as a young person), he is already a criminal and working for another equally-grotesque crime boss.  The film follows him as he goes from working for that boss, to being in the Imperial military, to then being back into crime with Woody Harrelson.  Will he find all the iconic stuff from the other films and give a shit-ton of fan service so the Star Wars nerds can cum in their pants?  Well no fucking shit.  That’s a given.

The plot of this film is boring.  However, let’s not talk about that.  Instead, let’s talk about the things I liked.  There is one thing on this list.  It’s the dynamic between Chewie and Han.  When I heard the horror stories about the actor playing the titular needing an acting coach because he sucked so bad, I immediately wrote this shit off.  But then I was genuinely surprised.  He wasn’t the worst.  In fact, the moments where him and Chewie are getting to know each other and building up a repore are pretty great.  It was the only time I felt ANY investment in the film, so kudos there.

Now we get to shit I hate.  For starters – this movie is butt-ugly to look at.  What the hell was the cinematography department doing?  This is Ron Howard directing this, so it should NOT look this bad.  This is worse than Suicide Squad.  The presentation is so muted and boring and vanilla.  Not one scene in the whole damn movie stands out for being visually interesting.  If the plot and characters were more interesting, it could make up for a lot of that, but since they aren’t, it doesn’t.  It genuinely blows my mind how crappy this movie is in the visuals department, from a director who I know knows what they’re doing.

Next up, the worst role in this film, by far, is Lando.  This character was so insufferable to listen to.  I don’t hold this against Donald Glover.  NOBODY could make how awful this writing was work.  And to Glover’s credit, he did try.  But he is poorly written and I rolled my eyes a lot.  So is his SJW-bot.  SJW droid was the worst.  I do not genuinely understand why they did this with this character.  Of all the characters to have forced social justice bullshit, why the droid?  Part of me wonders if it’s a parody.  I expected Emilia Clark’s character to be all about that.  But no, it’s the droid.  I may have found the snarky droid in Rogue One to be fun, but this one is the worst.  Oh, and the forced pansexuality of Lando was just awful too.  It didn’t fit with the character given what we knew.  All of that Billy Dee Williams charm, gone.

Oh, and speaking of side-characters, I couldn’t have given less of a shit about anyone in this film if I tried.  The side-characters in Rogue One were kind of annoying, but at least they were memorable.  Here, they’re just dull as dirt.  No surprises.  No memorable traits, aside from who plays them.  I could do the Red Letter Media test on pretty much anyone in this movie and they would fail.  Not a single one of them stood out to me, so when we have them dying, I didn’t really care.  Who the fuck did?  Given the fact that this film has bombed at the box office, clearly not many.

All things considered, this isn’t a terrible movie.  It’s boring.  So insufferably boring.  I’ll admit that I was surprised that I didn’t hate the guy they got to play the titular character, but that’s it.  And the repore he built up with Chewie was genuinely enjoyable to watch.  That’s it.  The rest of it sucked.  I meant what I said about being done with Star Wars.  But since I was spending my friend’s money (the amount I spent on concessions at the theater was just spiteful.  I told him outright I was going to spend his money.  There was no lie.  He needed to be sobered up anyway, and movie popcorn is good for that.), I figured I should tell you all about it.  Haven’t been able to build up the urge to actually do the review until now.  I just didn’t know what to say.

Part of me thinks that Disney just bought this license to make quick cash of a couple billion dollars.  But they aren’t managing it well.  They are using this license to spread their faux-belief in SJW talking points, when anyone with a brain knows that Disney doesn’t ACTUALLY buy into this crap.  They don’t give two shits about feminism and equality.  They care about money, and right now the media is all about social justice and SJW feminism, so they pander to that.  But make no mistake, once the pendulum swings back the other way, they will be shitting on social justice with the rest of the industry.  That time is coming, by the way.  The public is getting tired of it, and SJW culture eats itself.  So the day is coming when all of this is done.

Meanwhile, all of the Star Wars films that could have been good idea, or stories set in that universe, are being ignored. All of this makes me think of the Star Wars game we never got – 1313.  Sigh.  If you wanna see this film, I guess you can, but I don’t get why you would.  That’s all I got.

Final Verdict
4 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: Incredibles 2 and the Death of Pixar

I’ve repeatedly said that Disney is pure evil and they destroy everything that I love.  They turned one of my favorite films into a fucking Kinect game.  That’s how bad they are.  They take good ideas or properties and turn them into shit.  Most recently with Star WarsThe Last Jedi was a dumpster fire, and if what I am hearing about the latest film in the franchise, it went through three directors, had multiple rewrites, and the guy who plays the titular character not only looks NOTHING like him (he’s a fucking pretty boy.  Nothing even remotely roguish at all), but can’t act his way out of a paper bag.  They had to hire an acting coach for him after shooting the bulk of his scenes.  So yeah, that will be a dumpster fire too.  I mean, they barely show this guy in the trailer for his own film.  If that isn’t a sign that this movie is dead on arrival, I don’t know what is.

Now we come to The Incredibles 2.  I really liked the first one.  It’s not my favorite Pixar film, but it’s up there.  A film about a family of superheroes, mixing some fantastic action, great scoring (the score for that film is phenomenal), and both superhero and human elements to make a great story.  It balanced out every character to give them an arc and show them grow.  It’s great stuff.  Then the trailer for the sequel dropped.

This film looks terrible.  So, we go from a story about a family of superheroes, to the mom being off doing stuff, while the dad is being a stay-at-home dad with superbaby.  Wow.  That’s so boring that writing it I felt myself lose energy.  Who thought this was a good idea?  I mean, all the creative potential that a sequel of this film could be.  Like, it’s been many years since the first one.  Why not age the characters up a little?  Have them dealing with the reemergence of superheroes in society and them being kind of swept up in things?  Or maybe have them still having to be in the shadows and yet still doing good, now accepting their desire to be heroes, yet still being trapped behind a screen of anonymity.  All the cool ideas are there, but what is the final product?  Stay at home dad and superbaby!  Oh boy!

It hurts me inside to think of how Pixar has died.  It really has.  While the death of 2D animation breaks my fucking heart (it is an art form that has died and will likely never come back in the way it once was with the old Disney magic), I did grow up with this company.  I remember seeing Toy Story and thinking it was crazy cool.  My favorite of their films, Ratatouille, is a charming story.  The Incredibles combines so many good elements.  This studio once was believed to be setting the new standard in kids movies story-telling.

Then Brave happened.  With that movie I felt something.  There was a shift in the films that they were putting out, and the content immediately starting getting progressively worse.  You’d have films that stand out in the crowd, but the bulk were either really mediocre or outright bad.  Plus, a lot of their staff was now under Disney directly making some of the biggest bargain-bin garbage ever put to film.  Films that were made only to help the influx of capital for the fiscal quarters they were made.

When I heard that they were doing a sequel to The Incredibles, my heart leapt.  Finally, a return to form!  Get some of the classy style that was modeled first in 2D drawings and then put to digital models.  Great voice acting, great score.  All the potential was there!  Then the trailer drops and I realize that I’m seeing yet-another bargain-bin movie that everyone will forget about just as fast as they did Monster’s University or Cars 2 (or the original Cars for that matter).  This kills me inside.

Disney is like the film version of EA.  They take IPs and studios with good ideas and then run them into the ground.  Does it not blow your mind the way it does mine that there are over twice as many mediocre/bad films in the Star Wars franchise as there are good ones?  Over six!  That’s insane!  Marvel has been kept from joining these ranks simply because Kevin Feige is at the helm.  Once he leaves, they’re next.  It took a man with vision and a passion for the source material to keep this genre from becoming bargain-bin shit too, and there are people who make the argument that the brand is getting old.  I think I have avoided this thought process simply because I only watch the films in there that I think look good. Pixar is gonna be their version of Visceral Games, one of these days.  It hurts me inside.

Until next time, a quote,

“Turians think they know a thing about a scorched-earth response.  Fuck ’em!” – Jack, Mass Effect 2

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s Unpopular Opinion: I Find the Hollywood Sex Scandal Stuff Fascinating

I really do.  Watching Hollywood eat itself is just beautiful, to me.  In my eyes, it’s like watching a really bad train wreck.  You realize it’s horrifying and causing untold amounts of destruction, but you can’t look away.  As more and more is coming out, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  What do I mean?  Let me elaborate.

By the other shoe, I mean for someone really huge to be implicated in all this.  I’m talking about someone like Steven Spielberg or James Cameron.  I’m waiting for their dirty laundry to come out and blow up all over the Internet.  At which point, I get to sit back and embrace the madness.  And I really will.  It will be a thing of beauty beyond comprehension. Perhaps you are confused by that.  It’s really simple – Hollywood is in desperate need of this.

It’s no secret that I am kind of bored with movies lately.  It’s all shit we’ve seen before.  The MCU is looking to wrap up, and good on that.  After it’s all said and done, we can look back and see which films are truly standout examples of good superhero cinema and which ones are just boring dreck.  Meanwhile, what else is big?  Oh, right, we have DCEU, with one good film to date.  One.  Batman v Superman was stupid, Suicide Squad was boring, and Man of Steel should have been named Man of Product Placement and Superman Not Giving a Shit About People.  Universal tried to get in on this stupid cinematic universe nonsense with the “Dark Universe.”  Thankfully, that idea died in the womb.  20th Century Fox is taking real risks and making superhero films that are pushing limits and really going into dark places with hardcore violence.  Their latest big film is going to be a superhero horror film, which is unfortunately going to tank because it doesn’t have name recognition.  Which sucks because I find the concept intriguing.  Sony Pictures needs to die.  It just, needs to die.  Sell the rights to Spider-Man to Disney, because they seem to know how to treat this character.

You notice something about all those studios?  Their biggest projects lately are superhero films.  A genre that is getting really tired.  What else is big these days?  Oh, right, we have the boring, by-the-numbers Star Wars films that bring NOTHING original or interesting to the table aside from boring, soulless, “empowered” female protagonists.  And once they are done with the latest boring trilogy, they have already said they are going to immediately start working on yet-another trilogy!  Oh boy!  Because if they can’t beat a horse that should have died 30 years ago, what else can Disney do?  A franchise that survives solely because Star Wars fans cum in their pants every time the Millennium Falcon is on screen.  Mr Repzion fucking cried over that.  That was the cringiest, funniest thing I have ever seen.  He fucking cried over blatant fan service.  It’s because of people like that that I don’t watch Star Wars films anymore.  Nor will I play Battlefront II: Loot Box Gambling Bullshit.

I’m honestly getting a little bored of Hollywood lately.  You have absolute masterpieces like Blade Runner 2049 tanking at the box office, while films like Star Wars: A New Hope Remix makes over a billion dollars.  So studios aren’t going to change course or take risks.  It’s just devolving more and more into big films that are guaranteed to make a shit-ton of money, even if they are boring.  Because that’s what the retarded American public wants, apparently.

So I genuinely hope that the next big scandal is so massive that it rips Hollywood open at the foundations and tanks the film industry for a while.  Then it can rebuild and we can get smaller budgeted films with neat ideas because the public will finally realize that we got boring crap for so long because we allowed it to get this way.  We need to rip this problem up by the root!  I want the film industry to suffer for a while.  While it gets to drain the poison from itself, we can get rid of some of the boredom.  Maybe we can knock Disney down a few pegs and actually convince that evil fucking corporation to try something new for a while.  A thought?  Maybe I am being too hopeful.

In any case, watching the septic tank that is Hollywood eating itself is no problem to me.  Fuck ’em.  What about you?  Let me know what you think in the Comments.

Until next time, a quote,

“The turians think they know a thing or two about a scorched earth response.  Fuck ’em.” – Jack, Mass Effect 2

Peace out,

Maverick

Critical Examination: The Real Villains of ‘Beauty and the Beast’

I am of course talking about the animated version, not that live action abortion that showed that not only can Emma Watson not act, but she can’t sing either.  But as I have been chilling with my girly-mate guest, we have shared in one of my favorite pastimes – over-analyzing media that we watch.  In this case, it’s a classic Disney film that a lot of people have already over-analyzed, but I think have all been fooled.  It’s all over the Internet that the Beast is actually a horrible guy, but while he is an abusive monster, he isn’t the real villain of the story.  Nor is Gaston, who is actually the hero of the story.  More about that later.  The true villain of this film is more nefarious than you can possibly imagine.  It’s perhaps one of the darkest secrets in all of Disney, that we shall uncover now.

The True Hero

Cracked already did a video discussing this but the real hero of the story is Gaston.  Which he totally is.  The film tries to play it as he just judges the Beast because of how he looks and that’s wrong, because really the Beast is a good guy underneath it all.  Right?  Wrong!  The Beast is a monster!  His outer image has become his inner one, as he has had years of anger and hatred of the world and himself to turn his psyche into an abusive monster.  Gaston, on the other hand, is not really a bad guy.  Let’s look at some evidence.

The entire village treats Belle like she is a weirdo.  After all, she’s reading books and trying to learn things.  In that time period, for a woman to do such a thing is considered alien and they regard her very negatively.  All with one exception – Gaston.  He treats Belle like she is someone he wants to get to know and care about.  But I hear you say – he comes on WAY too strong and is kind of a dick!  Well, yeah.  But there’s a reason.  For starters, he’s kinda dumb.  But that’s nothing to hold against him.  Him being dumb isn’t his fault.  And the reason he is a dick is because he has an inflated ego.  Why?  Because he is the most valuable member of the community.  He shows that he has a vast amount of animal heads and is a very skilled hunter.  In a time when being able to kill animals and get food is a skill that can sustain a community, it makes sense that he is a celebrity.

But think about this – in the song he sings to himself, Gaston shows that there are a ton of women who are after him, but he makes clear that these are not the women he is interested in.  These hussies are just cheap lays that he gets because he can.  The woman he is actually interested in is the woman that the rest of the village treats as something of a pariah, not only because she isn’t very ladylike for the time, but because her father is kind of insane as well and it has gotten around.  So he is a little dumb and kind of boorish, but he still wants to get to know and seek the hand of a woman that no one else in the community likes.  What’s the problem there?

Why the Beast Isn’t the Villain

We’re building up to the reveal, don’t worry.  The aforementioned video by Cracked said that the Beast is the real bad guy in the film, and while I can see where they are coming from, they didn’t go deep enough in their analysis.  See, here’s the real kicker – the Beast is just a victim of his circumstance.  While he is an abusive monster (and that isn’t going to change with him becoming human again), you can track what got him here.  Years of living as an animal in a home where the only companions he had are people who are terrified of him and whom he has probably killed a few of.  After all, it’s shown that pretty much every inanimate object in the house is one of the servants, and we see Beast’s quarters filled with destroyed stuff.  So was some of that destruction servants who made him upset?  Scary to think about what will happen when the Enchantress’ magic wears off and how many mutilated corpses will be found later.

However, the truth is that of all the characters in the film, the Beast is the one with the least agency.  He is just being strung along by the plot.  Sure, he has a goal of breaking the curse placed on him, but he is just being led along by the real villain of the film.  Some of you may have seen this coming, but it’s even more diabolical than you can possibly imagine.

The Real Villain of the Film Is…

The servants.  That’s right, all the fun servant characters, who you grow to love and think are the best part of the film, are the ones who are secretly manipulating everything behind the scenes.  I can prove it, too.  Let’s get down into this.

Have you ever noticed that the servants don’t age?  The film implies that it has been years, many years, since the Enchantress did her spell.  Yet, the little teacup children are still teacup children.  At the end of the film, when the magic wears off, you see them turn back into children.  The little dog stool creature turns into a dog and it is obvious that it would be old as fuck or dead if it had been aging like a normal dog.  But one character does age in that castle – the Beast.  Beast is aging like a normal person, because even though he looks like a monster he is still flesh and blood.  Which means that his body is growing older.  And it also means that at some point he would die.  You know who wouldn’t die?  The servants.  They are now inanimate objects that only age as their parts decay.  Or if the destruction in Beast’s quarters is to be believed, when they are destroyed.  Which means that some of these now living pieces of furniture could have centuries of life to live.  Doesn’t that sound like a fresh Hell to have to suffer through?  Makes you wonder what such a potential fate would compel one to do, doesn’t it?

The servants talk in the film about how they had nearly given up hope that they would be able to escape that fate.  But then, along comes hope!  A girl who can potentially break this curse and save them from this torture existence of being objects for the rest of their potentially eternal existence.

But I hear your rebuttal – how does that show that they are the villains?  I mean, sure they got a stake in the situation but how do you postulate that they are the bad guys because of it?  I’m glad you asked.  Here’s how I know – because they know what Beast is like.  They are terrified of him.  They know what kind of monster he has become.  And while some of them like the Cogsworth may be delusional enough to buy that he will snap out of it when he turns back into a human, others like Lumiere are nowhere near that naive.  He is clearly the smartest out of them, and he knows the truth about what will happen when the Beast is given back his body.  His physical appearance will change, but his internal violence will be right where is was before.  The only difference is that now Belle will be trapped.  Trapped in a relationship with someone who is still an animal that will likely abuse her, physically and emotionally at the very least, and potentially sexually.  There is no way these servants who have had to suffer through this for years won’t have some idea about what is going to happen once all is said and done.

The thing is – they don’t care.  Why would they?  After all, if you faced the reality of living the rest of your life as a dresser, would you?  Which brings to mind another rebuttal I hear – okay, so Lumiere may be playing things to his own end.  But how do we know the others are in on it?  I have an answer to that too.  When Gaston rallies the town to go and save the woman he has feelings for, and they attack the castle, the furniture fights back.  The bureau actually leaps off a balcony and lands on a guy and crushes him.  You even see his lifeless legs after she smashes him into the floor.  That dude is dead!  She fucking killed him.  And you see the rest of the servants doing real damage to Gaston’s posse.  A threat to their freedom means that they are willing to straight-up murder people in order to ensure success.

Everything that the servants to help foster the relationship between the two of them wasn’t to help the Beast.  It was to help themselves.  When Mrs. Potts was singing that iconic song, in the back of her mind she was thinking – get with her, damn you!  I want to leave this teapot body behind!  Hell, the first thing Lumiere does after he turns back is make out with a maid.  You just know that afterwards he took her to a room and got his dick wet for the first time in who knows how many years.  And I bet you that after they are returned to their bodies, they high-tailed it out of there as fast as their legs would take them.  Given back their ability to live, why would they want to stay and watch the relationship between the two titular characters devolve into a destructive pattern of abuse?

And the best part is – they got away with it!  The servants manipulated the situation to their own ends, and they win.  They got their bodies back and condemned an innocent woman with mental problems to a life of abuse all so they could get their own bodies back.  Scary shit.  But also kind of cool.  Makes me like Lumiere as a character more, really.  From the very beginning when he started to make nice with Belle, he was planning his return to his own body because he knew that this was his last chance.  It was his ultimate gambit, and he got the entire servant body (with the possible exception of Cogsworth who was completely the Beast’s bitch) to assist him to this end.  Hell, Mrs. Potts kinds of hints to it in her part of the song.  She says that she has to make sure everything is perfect in every conceivable way for Belle, because she knows what he does too.

Kind of makes me wish that I could have seen the deleted scenes where Lumiere has the servants gathered and is talking to them about what to do next and how they were planning things.  Am I alone in that?  What do you all think?  Let me know in the Comments

Until next time, a quote,

“But that’s just a theory.  A Film Theory.” – Film Theory

Peace out,

Maverick

RAB: A Twilight Reboot

I’m finding it hard to find things to write about.  My life is not in a great place right now.  Got this job, and it’s pretty cool.  At least it pays well.  But it’s a job where I get to be yelled at by people who hate my guts purely by association of who I work for.  Because anyone who calls me is either getting their money taken or late getting their money from us and is pissed about that.  It’s a job where I get to be told what a dick I am because I can’t help the person in the way that they want.  It’s exhausting.

So not much even gets my attention anymore.  It’s a depressing life I lead.  But adulthood is a miserable hunk of shit until you die.  Gotta wait for that last part.  However, there was one thing that got my attention recently – news about a suspected Twilight reboot.  Now it seems that there is some growing evidence that it’s happening.  This should make me rage, but it doesn’t.  Instead, it makes me groan.

Hollywood needs to just admit that they’re out of ideas.  No, really, we need to just admit it.  All the endless remakes and reboots, I am getting so bored of movies.  Then there is the endless parade of superhero movies, more and more of which are blending into the background.  Now Disney is going to have their chance to drive Star Wars into the ground.  And they will, because that company will try and squeeze money out of a corpse if it’s there.  That company is evil with a capital E.  But it’s getting boring to see ads for movies anymore, because I honestly feel like I’m wasting my time going to see them.

What’s more, it’s just insulting how they want to remake or reboot certain movies.  Like how it is confirmed that The Crow reboot is in production.  Brandon Lee gave his life for that movie.  Now we get some stupid-ass reboot that will most-assuredly suck.  Why?  Or they are rebooting Jumanji.  A movie that had laughable CG, but did have some pretty good practical effects to balance it out.  Not to mention Robin Williams during his best years.  Why do this?  Oh, right, because this is Hollywood.  And Disney aren’t the only ones trying to squeeze money out of a corpse.  They want to squeeze money out of Brandon Lee and Robin Williams’ corpses too.

The worst part about the fact that all of the major productions are just this remake and reboot crap is the fact that ideas that could actually be interesting are being spurned.  Because Hollywood is too pussy to take some of the money they invest in the latest shit-tastic reboot and maybe spread it around to smaller projects.  It’s taking directors who are willing to go to insane extremes to make good movies anymore.  Or, in the case of Deadpool, willing to take pay cuts and have slashed budgets and be released in a shitty time of year.  Twentieth Century Fox made the disdain for the film they were making no secret.  They were so sure that it was dead on arrival that they did everything they could to prove themselves right.  But it wasn’t.  You’d think that would be a clue.  That audiences are tired of the same recycled shit, over and over again.  That was my problem with the new Star Wars movie.  I’ve seen it before!  Only last time, it was done much better.  And it didn’t have a villain who was the gayest villain I have EVER seen.  No joke, with his Dumbo ears and his temper tantrums, I was beyond unimpressed.  That movie couldn’t have disappointed me more if it tried.  Not even going to see the next one of that series in theaters. Will see Rogue One, but that’s just because the director of that film has perspective and likes to make movies that are focused on characters.

I hate movies these days.  They’re boring, predictable, and it honestly is tiring trying to figure out if I am going to see the latest comic book whatever or if some whatever reboot is worth my time.  Fuck all this.  Which brings me back, finally, to Twilight.

Whose brilliant idea was it to reboot that?  It’s not even nostalgic!  It never will be!  It’s fucking garbage!  The ONLY reason those films were popular was that they were cashing in on the teenage girls and creepy moms who liked it.  But they’ve moved on now.  They moved on to books like “Fifty Shades of Grey.”  But they moved on from that too.  Heard they are making a sequel to that boring-as-fuck movie.  Their money to lose, I guess.  Now they have moved on to whatever gets the vaginas of middle-aged women greasy these days.  So this reboot won’t make any money.  But don’t tell the Hollywood executives that.  If we have learned nothing else, it’s that these people can’t read what people want to save their lives.  They never have, and they never will.

How much money are they going to throw at this shit that could have gone to something better?

Until next time, a quote,

“Hollywood wishes they could be this cool.” – Rebecca “Revy” Lee, Black Lagoon

Peace out,

Maverick