I can’t believe how bad this look. I’ve been seeing some reactions around, and people who think this is gonna be some tour de force for the trilogy that will bring it back after Rian Johnson shit all over it, and I genuinely don’t get where these reactions are coming from. Did we watch the same trailer?! Because all I saw there was just blatant pandering to what fandom is left and a desperate attempt to try and bring some of the die-hards back with desperate nostalgia grabs. John Williams makes good music! Did you all hear that?! And the Emperor is back! Doesn’t that excite you? Oh, and old-school star destroyers! You gotta be excited about that! Let’s watch this insufferable pile of shit.
Our first shot and I hate it. Look, the helmet from the Endor mission! And a lightsaber! If only it was being used by someone who isn’t a fucking Wheat Thin. It’s been said by everyone on the Internet, but can we all address the fact that Rey is a fucking Mary Sue? She is perfect at everything. You can describe her personality with a fart sound. Daisy Ridley can’t act. Although, you know, part of me wonders if this is really on her or if it’s the writing of the character that is just so bland that no one could make this role memorable. I hear she was in some Shakespeare shit. Maybe she does better. I doubt I’ll ever know.
And look, Finn is back! Because he’s SO much more interesting, right? You know, J.J. Abrams had a plan for this trilogy. It makes me wonder what could have been. But as it stands, Finn is the equivalent of an chocolate graham cracker. His personality is equally bland, much less interesting. Rich Evans once hypothesized that he was going to be the Ron Stoppable to Rey’s Kim Possible. That could have been an interesting take. And Jar Jar Rose is back! You know, the most insufferable character from the last film. I’m so glad to see her. Not to body shame, but it’s really noticeable that she’s put on a lot of weight. Genuinely not trying to shame her, it’s just something that caught my eye. Given her lack of personality from the last film, all I knew about her is that she’s Asian, and chunky.
From there we get some pretty nifty CG shots. Because if we can’t have an engaging plot, we might as well have beautiful visuals! Rey does some terrible narration, and then…oh fuck. Kylo Ren is back. I hate this guy so much. He’s so bland and non-threatening. There’s nothing about him as a villain that even remotely engages me. In the first film they played it up like he’s playing at being Darth Vader, and how it was kinda sad, because he most assuredly isn’t. But after the last film and what a little bitch he was, now I just wish they would kill him off and be done with it. He says that he knows Rey. Really? Can you tell the audience about her, because we don’t have anything approaching a personality to lock down on this broad.
Then…oh no. We have the Emperor narrating. Oh fuck me. So, because Rian Johnson is a moron and killed off Snoke, now Abrams is stuck in the position of having to find some kind of villain to actually make this plot engaging. So now we get to have some kind of Deus Ex Machina to explain why the Emperor isn’t dead and was somehow manipulating things behind the scenes. Jesus Christ. This is so stupid. Now, I get it. Disney put themselves into a corner with this. After all, they had to make SOMETHING to put out there and end this trilogy. They couldn’t just leave it hanging. But this is just sad. This level of plot contrivance is just the worst.
Then there’s a montage of shots of cool scenery and an endless marasse of CG effects. Rey and Dumbo (because of his giant-ass ears) having a really boring lightsaber fight. A ship on CG water and a CG fleet coming together. We then cut to probably the weirdest line in the film. You have C-3PO getting a little actual puppet character to fuck with his system and hook him into something. Then he stops and says that he wants to have one last look at his friends. Um…what?! When has it been established that any of these people are your friends?! What scenes have you shared with any of these characters?! All of your friends are dead! Han, Luke, Leia, all dead! Who are these fuckers to you?
We then move on to the final montage to get you revved up. Do you remember John Williams’ great score? Yeah, I do. A pity it’s being waste on this shit. And look, Billy Dee Williams! What mansion did they haul your octogenarian ass out of to have you in this desperate attempt to cash in on nostalgia? It’s a shame too, because I like Lando. We then have…a horseback charge on a star destroyer. I’m sorry, what the fuck is this?! This is the dumbest thing I think I’ve ever seen. Yes, because in the future all the people with lasers are going to be SO undone by morons on horseback, right?
So, according to the scuttlebutt around Hollywood, Rise of Skywalker isn’t actually finished yet. Like, as in they’re still shooting scenes with the actors. It’s in production. Not post-production, but production. With two months until release, it’s still being shot. The reason is (allegedly) that Abrams went to the Disney executives and told them he had it ready, but that not everyone is going to like the ending. At which point, Disney flat-out told him “um, what? You better fucking do it again then, because we want the audience cheering for more Star Wars!” After the massive financial black hole that was Solo: A Star Wars Story and The Star Wars Experience being a ghost town that they sunk an astronomical amount of money into, Disney is desperate to get people cheering for the new trilogy that the now-disgraced writers of Game of Thrones are supposedly doing.
I know that this movie is gonna make a fuck-ton of money, because Star Wars fanboys/girls are almost as die-hard as Nintendo fanboys/girls, but deep down I really hope it fails. I want this franchise to die with its legacy intact. With some level of dignity. Not be driven into the ground until there’s nothing recognizable left. Please, for the love of Groj just let this franchise go gracefully.
3 out of 10