Lucien’s First Take: Mulan Official Trailer (2020)

I’ve made very, very clear how much I despise modern Disney.  I’ve described the media as a tired old whore telling you whatever they think will get your click fingers going, but Disney sure isn’t far behind them.  Doing whatever they can to get the maximum amount of money in with the minimum amount of effort.  We’ve seen that with TERRIBLE live-action version of films, each worse than the last.  But it seems that Disney is keen to one-up their shitty movies, and we get to see the dim-witted, dumb-shit millennial audiences who will shell out money to see it because they are nostalgia junkies who need their next fix.  The first trailer dropped, and it pissed me off.  Let’s watch it together, then we’ll talk about it.

 

Oh fucking boy.  Why do people keep seeing this crap?!  Can SOMEONE please tell me what it is that draws you fuckers in to watch this garbage?  That’s not rhetorical.  Someone explain this to me in a way that a pretentious pseudo-intellectual can understand.  All ears.  Lots to talk about.

For starters, we have this scene where Mulan is on a horse, in what is a nice setting of the Chinese countryside.  Okay.  Then we cut to her at home, and it seems the match-maker has already got her hitched.  So the scene where she fucks up the appointment with the match-maker and gets yelled at, only for her father to say that he cares for her for the person she is?  Yeah, guess they cut that out.  Now the dad just says this is for the best and we leave it at that.  What a great way to avoid having a family dynamic and getting to know the characters.  Not to mentions one of the big song numbers.  Given what we see in the rest of the trailer, I have a sneaking feeling there won’t be any actual music in this movie.  Call it a hunch.

Then there is a montage with who I presume to be the match-maker, listing off qualities that a wife should have.  During this montage we see Mulan doing martial arts and practicing with a sword.  Wait, what?  Why is she this really competent warrior already?  In the original film, she wasn’t.  There was no indication she could fight.  Her taking her father’s blade and going to serve in his place was done because she was more scared of him dying than how little she knew.  Part of what made the original film great was how she had to grow.  There was the best song number in that film where we see this fantastic musical and visual montage showing Mulan’s growth for a weak, unskilled newbie and her journey to become a skilled fighter and able to keep up with all the guys.  It’s so weird to me that in a movie that is marketing on girl power, they’re stripping an element from the film that helps show Mulan grow as a character.

The montage continues showing Mulan as she is with the troops and heading into battle.  Um, am I the only one who thinks that she looks feminine was fuck as a guy?  This is why animation works and live-action doesn’t.  Her features betray that she is a woman.  This film is gonna totally lack all suspension of disbelief when she tries to pretend to be a man and nobody notices that she looks like a bad tomboy.  The least they could have done as butch her up a little.  But then you can’t sell girl-power, because then she looks masculine, and that can’t work.

It ends with her whipping her sword around all cool and I guess she ditches the male persona pretty quick in this movie.  Because throughout the whole last bit, she’s looking like a woman again.  As memory serves, that was after she was wounded and her cover got blown.  Guess that scene doesn’t happen in this movie.  Not to mention, where’s the bit with the Imperial City and catching the Mongolians in their plan to ambush the Emperor?  Where’s the scene with her and her chums using skills they honed before to sneak in?  Where’s the scene of the chums in drag?  That shit was hilarious.  I don’t see any chums in this movie.  Guess that would take too many actors, you know, acting.  That’s too much work.

Also, where the fuck is Mushu?  Are they just ditching that?  Did they learn from Aladdin and realize that all these CG side-kicks just look fake as fuck?  Oh wait, I know why he’s not in this.  See, China has this rule about movies that are shown there – no ghosts, no gays.  Mushu ends up with her because the spirits of the family elders try to send one of the guardians to watch over her, and he ends up fucking that up so he goes to make things work with her so he doesn’t lose his ability to go home.  But all that stuff with ghosts is no-go in China, and Disney won’t do anything to disrupt that sweet China cheddar.

Can’t help but notice that since she’s supposed to be in a big battle, her outfit is very nice and not dirty or cut or anything.  Her face is very nice too.  So’s the makeup on it.  Guess they don’t want to worry about that little detail. If she wasn’t cute, then little girls couldn’t put themselves inside her like a skin to vicarious experience the movie through her.

It’s so weird to me that the film that CLEARLY is marketing itself on girl power is so much less of a female strength metaphor than the film it a remake of.  The original film told the story of a woman who didn’t let herself get held back.  She stood tall with the men, and earned their respect.  She went from an inexperienced woman pretending to be a man, to being the savior of China.  This film clearly decided that that was too much work.  Instead, just make it a Lord of the Rings knock-off in terms of battles, and make her super strong and super awesome without having to work at it.  Oh, and ditch the songs because then the characters would have personality.  That’s too much work for modern Disney.

Initial Verdict
You people who see this are the reason this shit gets made

Peace out,

Maverick

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Disney is Pure Evil (Spider-Man Edition)

There’s this perception of Disney as this big family-friendly company.  They care about the children.  They care about being progressive and values and all that other shit.  It’s the ultimate lie that they spend inordinate amounts of money to maintain.  However, for those who have any amount of perspective and aren’t complete saps, they can see the truth – that all that family-friendly, progressive values shtick is just bullshit.  That this company is as ruthless and evil as any other.  All they care about is the money people pay them.  The fact that people can’t see thru this and even defend them is simply beyond me.

Of course, it helps that they have a huge media empire who does nothing but kiss their ass.  And that the media in general is nothing but a whore who will turn whatever tricks will get them clicks.  There’s no bottom there.  It’s what destroyed Gawker, after all.  So we see articles doing nothing but trumpeting how Disney is so great after they use progressive values to get cheap marketing points.  Did you hear that Ariel is gonna be played by a black chick in the new live-action (mostly CG) The Little Mermaid movie?!  Well that’s so progressive of them.  A black mermaid!  Never mind that it’s gonna be a cheap cash-grab, like all the rest of their cheap cash-grab movies that have ALL sucked!  Without a single exception!

But of course, Disney doesn’t care.  They make money like gangbusters on this shit.  It pours in..  All from idiots who just want to feel that nostalgia again.  Because that’s the culture we live in.  Moron who want to idolize movies from their youth.  You know, instead of just watching those movies that had heart and talent and were good and not watching the new ones that are “progressive” and boring and phoned-in piles of shit.  Because it’s a cartoon, after all.  Now we get to see the version for grown-ups.  You know, with terrible modern Disney jokes, and performances by ethnically-fitting actors/actresses who couldn’t act their way out of a paper bag.  Sure, they shit on the legacy of other people like Robin Williams by having Will Smith phone in every song he does.  He sounds so fucking medicated in every single he sings in that shit-tastic Aladdin remake.

Meanwhile, we have Tom Holland who is the actor portraying the current Spider-Man is open to being a gay Spider-Man, saying that the MCU needs more gay characters.  News flash, Tommy-boy, ain’t gonna happen.  Know why?  Because Disney doesn’t wanna lose that precious China cheddar.  And guess what, China has a rule – no ghosts and no gays.  So unless the gay character can have their gayness edited out of a movie, Disney will never, EVER touch it.  I refuse to believe that this guy is so stupid that he isn’t aware of this.  But he wins progressive points with the media who does nothing but kiss the ass of that line of thinking.  That’s why he said that.  Most actors/actresses are aware that Hollywood is nothing but evil corporate monoliths.  So yeah.

I talked before about the fact that Disney, as a corporation, is petty and absurd in the extreme.  If you have a little cake-decorating business in Guyana where you print sugar images on cakes, and you print Disney characters. even if no one outside the people in your town know who you are, Disney’s lawyers will find you and sue your ass into oblivion.  That’s the company who talks about how “family” they are.  They will fuck up ANYONE who uses their intellectual properties without their signature notarized on their ass.  But it seems that this actually gets worse.

See, there’s a dad whose son died.  The kid was a huge Spider-Man fan.  Naturally, because this dad wanted his son to be remembered, he wanted to put his favorite superhero on his son’s grave.  What a sweet thing to do in a horribly tragic situation.  Or it would be, if Disney didn’t swoop in like the evil Nosferatu mother-fuckers that they are and say “nope!  Can’t do that, or we will sue your ass!”  That’s right, Disney’s lawyers came down from on high and told this guy he can’t do that.  Can’t put his son’s favorite superhero on his fucking grave.  Because it violates their intellectual property.  Wait, I’m sorry.  I meant to say that they “want to preserve the magic of the character.”  Yeah, that’s something a fucking lawyer wrote.

I’m convinced that after you obtain a certain amount of money, your morals just stop existing.  It has to be that way.  Otherwise, how can you tell a grieving father that if he puts his son’s favorite superhero on his fucking grave, you’re gonna sue him for copyright infringement.  As you might imagine, the media who is busy kissing Disney’s ass ain’t said shit about this.  Of course not.  They’re too busy yelling at idiots who are mad about Ariel being a black chick or telling Tom Holland how “woke” he is.  Because if the media was capable of talking about anything like the fact that Disney is the most petty, pathetic, malicious company in existence and really took a hard look at what scum-fucks run that monkey farm, what a wonderful world it would be.  The media doing its job.  There’s a funny thought, eh?

Fuck Disney.  Fuck them so hard.  Avengers: Endgame is where I’m tuning out of the MCU.  I do mean to see it, one of these days.  Now that that is done, and they are laying the franchise and the best people in it to rest, it’s a good time to just sit back and watch as Disney does to Marvel what they’ve done to Pixar and Star Wars – milk it until the cow runs dry and the creative energy long since departs.

Who are the defenders of this?  Who?  I wonder if the media who’s busy kissing Disney’s ass is gonna try and spin this.  Probably not.  There’s no possible way you could make Disney look good in this disgusting, amoral nightmare that they have become.  Makes me wonder what Stan Lee would think.  A company who is spitting in the face of a grieving father.  Lee wanted everyone to love his superheroes.  To be able to express that in their own way.  Sure, he was a consummate company man, but I’d like to think that even this is a bridge too far.

This company is fucking dead to me.  They buy company after company, owning more and more media and turning more and more of it into family-friendly shit.  I remember when Miyazaki put out his magnum opus, Princess Mononoke.  Disney owned the distribution rights to Studio Ghibli’s work, but this film wasn’t like the others he made.  This one was violent in the extreme.  So Disney asked if they could make some cuts to the movie, to get rid of the more violent stuff.  Miyazaki sent the head of Disney a katana with a note – no cuts.  I wonder if ANYONE who is associated with that company would have those kind of balls now.  A man can hope.

Until next time, a quote,

“Disney, fuck you with a capital F!” – ItsAGundam

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: Disney is Remaking A Night on Bald Mountain in Live Action (CG)

I fucking hate modern Disney.  There are not words to describe how shitty they are.  I could sit here and explain in exhaustive detail all of my grievances with modern Disney, but then I’d be here for hours and you all would get REALLY bored.  Understandably so.  But what they are doing to cash in on people’s nostalgia has finally reached the point that it pisses me off beyond the pale.  I could handle them fucking over the legacy of Robin Williams with their shit-tastic version of Aladdin.  Especially since Will Smith sounds medicated in that movie.  I listened to the soundtrack, and he sounds so tired in every song he sings.  I was annoyed but just shrugged and went “whatever” when I saw their “live-action” version of The Lion King being advertised.  Sure, all the CG animals have zero personality because they have the uncanny valley level of CG detail, but whatever.

I’ve heard that they are remaking Lilo & Stitch.  Because that’s just what that filmed needed!  A fun and colorful and touching story about a girl, an alien, and finding the meaning of family.  It needed to be remade with Disney doing their now trademark diversity pandering!  Yay!  They’re remaking The Little Mermaid.  Maybe they can have Ariel be a Muslim mermaid.  Have her wearing a seaweed burka.  Diversity, after all.  And you know what, that’s all fine too.  Because after all, why would we want to have those old 2D animated films be the ones we remember?  Those aren’t the moves for “grown ups,” after all.  No, instead we have to remake them in the worst way possible, with acting that is The Last Airbender levels of bad.  Taking all the charm and whimsy the animated films had and bending them over a table without any lube.

Then I found out something utterly horrifying that has pissed me off so much – they are remaking A Night on Bald Mountain in “live-action.”  Oh boy.  Fuck you Disney!  Fuck you and your creatively-bankrupt company!  You all take the things that people love and fuck them over the ass. I loved that piece in Fantasia.  It’s my second-favorite.  My first being The Rite of Spring, telling the story of the growth of life on Earth.  A Night on Bald Mountain is a fantastic piece.  The levels of darkness, both musically and dramatically is just insane.  The demon Chernabog summoning the souls of the dead and the damned for an insane party for one night, it’s incredible.  The animation is flawless.  Absolutely flawless.  The portrayal of the dead and the damned is just so perfect.  As they rise from the graves, rising up the mountain, you can almost feel the dread the townspeople are feeling as they stay inside and hope that dawn comes soon.  It all builds and builds, culminating in the most visceral experience I have ever seen in 2D animation.  Nothing else has even come close.  Plus, at the end, there is the fantastic pairing up with Franz Schubert’s “Ave Maria,” which has the townspeople seeking the light of Heaven to cleanse them of the darkness.  It’s perfect.

So I guess a whole bunch of suits and Disney are sitting around going…
“Hey guys, we’ve been remaking all of these classic movies and making money like gangbusters.  What else do we got?”
“How about we take that one bit from Fantasia about the demon and remake it!”
“But that’s not a whole story.  It’s a musical showing of what happened during one night.  How could we make that into a full-length movie?”
“Just have some big actors/actresses with some stupid story about killing the demon and put in some diversity shit to make people talk about how, if you don’t see it, you’re a bad person.  All of this nostalgia shit makes money anyway, so we can make this into whatever we want.  Just make sure all the advertising for the movie only shows the stuff that will play on people’s nostalgia.  We don’t want them to know that this is just a cash-grab that can make us a fuck-ton of cash.”

And then I figure that they laugh heartily and pay some Thai child to dance on top of a tank full of piranhas for their amusement.  Because Disney is pure evil, after all.

I can’t believe that Disney is doing this.  It isn’t enough that they took this franchise and turned it into a fucking Kinect game?!  It isn’t enough that they have made cash-grab after cash-grab of all their old 2D films, and every last one of them has fucking sucked?!  Without a single exception!  They are all nothing but trash!  That isn’t enough?  Now you have to take one of the hallmarks of animation and turn it into another piece of shit, all so you can make a quick several hundred million dollars to satisfy your investors?!  Oh how I wish Chernabog were real, so he could turn you and all your board of directors into pig demons.  It would be fitting, after all.  Then he could put you in front of a pile of money and tell you to worship it.  Would be fitting, given what you all do.

How people can stomach modern Disney is beyond me.  They pander to diversity because it sells.  The moment it doesn’t, they will kick it out the door like a $10 whore.  It’s why you don’t see gay characters in their big-budget movies, after all.  Because then they wouldn’t be able to sell their films big in China.  Although, I guess they won’t have to worry about that with this live-action trash.  You can’t have ghosts in films that go to China either.  So hey, go big with the gay pandering in this movie.  Oh wait, that would be hard because the premise is about a demon having a giant party.  Associating that with gay people would send the wrong message to the far-left community you are trying to pander to.

Ah, what the Hell.  Just fuck over the entire storyline.  In order to make this have a 90 minute runtime, you’re already gonna have to do that anyway, so might as well go big.  Make Chernabog a person of color transgender pansexual.  They aren’t having a party with all the damned and the souls of the dead that they summoned to them with their presence.  They just wanted to give all the dead POCs a place to gather where they feel included.  The villain can be Christian white nationalist groups!  Maybe they are having a straight pride parade!  Yeah, that’s a great angle.  It’s not like Disney or whatever two-bit director they will get for this shit actually cares about the story they are adapting anyway, so why not?  I’d kind of prefer that you all just go the distance with fucking the story over.  Then I don’t have to feel like you are shitting on one of my favorite movies.

But you can guarantee that I’m not giving Disney money to see this trash.  Not a fucking chance.  Disney and their live-action butt-rape of this bit from one of my favorite films can suck a dick.  Can suck all the dicks.  Fuck Disney.  Fuck these live-action movies.  They all suck.  They will always suck.  The critics who say nice things about them are paid shills.  The audience who likes them is Americans who we already know are dumb as dirt.  Fuck this.  Can these people please stop raping what I love?

Until next time, a quote,

“It’s very simple – if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies.” – Jay Sherman

Peace out,

Maverick

Rational Man in Disney Movies

I got to talking to a now former coworker of mine about how there are so many things that I would do if you put me in any random film.  And I still feel that way.  So I gots me an idea for a post series that I could do – putting a rational man inside of films, books, what-have-you.  These are just going to be little things that I have noticed in little blurbs.  Let me know if you have ones that come to you.

Rational Man in Snow White
To the Evil Queen: “So, you go through all the effort of making a poison that seeps into an apple when you are the queen of a kingdom?  Why not just send your army to kill that chick?  It seems like you went out of your way to make killing her a thousand times harder than it needed to be.”

To Snow White: “Why is it you felt that it was a good idea to just set up shop in the home of seven dwarfs?  I mean, they probably haven’t seen a woman in years.  The fact that they didn’t turn you into a living sex toy is insane.”

Rational Man in Sleeping Beauty
To Maleficient: “Look, I think you’re awesome.  But why is it you decided to become the dragon?  I mean, as a witch you have nigh-unlimited power.  It seems like you were REALLY handicapping yourself by taking them away and turning yourself into a giant fire-breathing monster when he was clearly geared up for that.

Rational Man in Cinderella
To Aurora: how is it, if that glass shoe fits you just right that it fell off your foot?  I mean, that seems to signify that it is too big for your foot.  Which means that the Prince could easily have found a woman whose foot fit it more snugly and lived happily ever after with her.

To the Prince: why is it, precisely, that you needed to have a shoe fit to prove that someone is the person you danced with the night before?  I get that her attire would be different, but it would still have her same facial features and eye color.  Is your memory that bad that you couldn’t remember those details about her?

Rational Man in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (the Fantasia one, not that shit-tastic live action abortion)
To the Sorcerer: this kid nearly destroyed your entire home, ruined your spell-book, destroyed Groj-knows how much priceless artifacts of your trade, and could have potentially made a nigh-unstoppable army of broomsticks and all he gets is a whack on the butt with your broom?  I would kick the shit out of that little snot.  At this period in history, that wouldn’t even be frowned upon.

Rational Man in Robin Hood
To Prince John: Why is it you never hired an assassin to kill Robin Hood?  I mean, it can’t have escaped your notice that your own men can’t hit the broadside of a barn.  So why not hire a professional to deal with the problem?  A man with your power and connections, I refuse to believe you didn’t have that ability.  Hell, I bet there are people within your own country who could have got the job done.

To Robin Hood: So wait a minute, you’re telling me that you’ve been in a place where you could easily have dispatched the Prince and you never did?  Why?  It would have saved the kingdom a ton of grief, and you were already a wanted criminal.  It’s not like you would be losing anything by killing him.

Rational Man in Aladdin (the good version, not the live-action abortion)
To Jafar: Why is it that you decided to kill Aladdin in a way where he falls into the Cave of Wonders?  Seriously, you could easily have helped him out of that pit, gotten the lamp from him, and then killed him right there.  You were in the middle of the desert.  The only ones who would know is the sands and the vultures that would eat his body.  Hell, you were in disguise anyway, so yeah.  It just sounds like a needless risk.  And since his clever monkey friend got the better of you, it sounds like you lost out anyway.

To Aladdin: How is it that a guy with your level of cunning wasn’t able to find easy ways around the Genie’s rules?  I mean, you should have been able to see this right in front of you.  For starters, wish that the no wishing for more wishes rule was gone.  Boom, problem solved.  Or, failing that, wish for more genies.  Again, problem solved.  You show early on that you are capable of outsmarting the Genie and getting him to have his ego make the best of him, so why was this beyond you?

Rational Man in The Little Mermaid
To King Triton: How come you didn’t let Ariel absolutely have it after everything she did?  That girl not only disobeyed you, but she fucked up your kingdom, betrayed you and everything you stand for to an evil witch, and all for a boy that she likes.  In the end she gets everything she wants and doesn’t have to answer for anything.  I mean, how is that fair?  That girl should at least get locked in her room for a year or two until she gets why what she did was unfathomably stupid.

Rational Man in Atlantis: The Lost Empire
To Rourke: Why exactly is it you felt the need to try and steal Atlantis’ power source to get rich?  Do you not realize that your discovery is going to make you and everyone else in that crew rich beyond their wildest dreams?  They are a lost civilization, with untold treasures.  I mean, in the end they sent everyone back to the surface with a mountain of gold and jewels.  Who knows how much more they would have parted with if you left on good terms.

Rational Man in Jungle Book (the animated version, not the live-action abortion)
To Shere Khan: Why didn’t you just kill Mogli and be done with it?  You are too good to die this way.  Your pride is the thing that killed you.  You should have been picking your teeth with that upstart’s bones.  Seriously, fuck that smug kid.

Rational Man in Frozen
To Elsa: Why is it exactly you had to flee from the kingdom?  You’re a princess, eventually to be a queen.  Why do you care if the peasants label you a witch?  You can freeze their asses when they rebel and then sit on your throne with absolute power and a sister who is pretty much your bitch.

To Kristoff: So…what’s the deal with you and the reindeer?  I mean, the level of closeness you exhibit makes me REALLY think there’s something going on here.  I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this.

Rational Man in A Night on Bald Mountain
To Chernabog: How do I land an invite to the next party you have?  This looks to be a pretty awesome time.  You have sexy fire women, all these crazy demons and ghosts, and you’re fucking with everyone.  I bet this party is off the chain.

Let me know if there are other works you want to see done.  This is just testing the waters on my concept.

Until next time, a quote,

“Provoking people is extremely important because it gets people to think.” – Lawrence Krauss

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: Three More Star Wars Movies…

This franchise needs to die.  This franchise needs to fucking die right the fuck now.  It needs to die the death of a thousand cuts.  I thought that the prequels ruined this franchise, but I was wrong.  The new films did.  And before you write this off as me just being some Red Pill guy who hates the movie because wahmen, don’t.  I hate this franchise now for a whole bunch of other reasons.  Though I do think that Rey is boring and you could cut her from the most recent numbered film and nothing would have changed.  Not really.  Daisy Ridley can’t act, but that’s not her fault.  Emma Watson can’t either, and everyone loves her too.  But this franchise needs to go, and Disney has told us that it’s not going to.  Ugh…

What am I talking about?  I’m talking about the fact that Disney just announced that there are three more numbered films being made.  Groj only knows how many side-movies that means too.  You’d think they would have learned their lesson after what a financial disaster Solo was.  Well, I suppose they kind of did.  They realized that the best way to make these movies is to just feed the fandom fan service to make them cum in their pants.  That’s why you have J.J. Abrams back in the driver’s seat.  Rian Johnson tried to do something different and failed so spectacularly that J.J. outright said that he is going to retcon the ending to the previous numbered film for the next movie coming out this December.  Wow.  That’s pretty bad.  The trailer was boring and stupid, and it ends with the biggest fan service moment of all time – the Emperor laughing!  How did he survive being atomized in the Death Star?  I’m sure the answer will be stupid, but the fanbase doesn’t care.  They will cum in their pants just like Disney wants them to.

See, that’s the thing about Star Wars fans.  They are die-fucking-hard.  It doesn’t matter how stupid you makes these movies, how ridiculous the plot is, they will eat it up.  They will eat that shit sundae and make videos on YouTube defending them.  Hell, there was one where someone said the most recent numbered film was the best in the entire franchise.  J.J. Abrams said you don’t like it, you hate women.  This fanbase is so utterly exploitable.  Even Marvel isn’t this easy to cash-grab.  Disney seems to have realized where they hit their limit and is now toning it back.  But not Star Wars.  You can feel slop to these people for eons and they won’t care.  It blows my mind.  Part of why I have always avoided fandoms.  These bitches be crazy!

Never mind that The Force Awakens was a mediocre film at best.  It had the Millennium Falcon!  Never mind that Rogue One was genuinely bad for two acts, with only the final battle sequence being cool.  Never mind that The Last Jedi was a giant dumpster fire that was awful in every way, or that Solo was butt ugly to look at and boring.  They are still cheering that three more films are being made.  They don’t care.  I wonder what it would take for them to give up on the franchise.  I really do.  Disney has realized that taking risks with this license is a bad thing, so you know that it’s going to be nothing but fan service for years.  Is there ever a point where that isn’t enough?  When boring movies aren’t able to be sold to the fanbase just based on what pandering you put in there?  That’s not a rhetorical question.  I really want to know.

From where I’m standing, this franchise needs to fucking die!  It’s past the point where it is able to be enjoyed on any level.  The fan service does nothing for me.  The films have gone from mediocre and have been getting progressively worse.  Sure, Solo wasn’t even close to as bad as The Last Jedi, but the fact that it was so boring and I can’t remember the plot hardly at all is kind of worse.  I can at least remember everything about the former movie.  Especially the scene where Leia becomes Mary fucking Poppins to go back into the ship.  That was so funny to me when I watched it.  I was laughing so hard in the theater when that happened.  Got dirty looks from fanboys, but whatever.  If you can’t see why that’s so stupid, I pity you.

This franchise should have died thirty years ago.  No prequels, no sequels, just death.  Let it die with some fucking dignity.  Oh wait, this is modern Disney we’re talking about.  You know, where every one of their classic cartoon films is being remade as live-action cinematic abortion.  EVERY single one of their live-action films has sucked.  Badly.  Disney can’t let anything die.  Then they’d have to do something original, and I don’t think they even know how to do that at this point.  Things to ruminate on, eh?  I refuse to partake in any of this.  I said in my Solo review that that’s it.  No more.  I won’t let me friend give any of his money on my behalf (he convinced me to go on the pretense that he would pay my way) to see these movies when they are either going to range from okay to a turd sandwich.  I’m done.  Hopefully you are too.

Until next time, a quote,

“This sucks.”
“Yeah, this really sucks!” – Beavis and Butthead

Peace out,

Maverick

Blizzard Doesn’t Care About “Inclusion”, Neither Does Any Other Corporation

Recently Blizzard announced that Soldier 76 in Overwatch was gay, as part of their big push to be all progressive and whatnot.  However, a former employee who recently went public with the harassment they were getting at work decided to squash this idea that Blizzard cares about inclusivity pretty hard.  The post they wrote was pretty interesting, for those who think that Blizzard is adding themselves to the list of companies that they believe care about the LGBT community or any minority community.  As for me, I wasn’t surprised at all.  It seems that Blizzard says one thing, then does another.  For some, the revelation was shocking (assuming what the ex-employee said is true).  Not for me.  This all made perfect sense.

I have talked, at length, about the fact that companies like Disney are nothing but shilling to make money.  They put out info that they believe will get them social justice points because that’s mainstream, and Disney is all about pandering to the mainstream.  However, when you look at all their black and other minority characters, you can’t help but notice something – that the LGBT community is not represented at all.  Not even a little.  Strange, right?  I mean, Disney will preach on and on and on about how they want to promote diversity.  Wasn’t Finn supposed to be the first gay character in a Star Wars movie?  Well, that died and got replaced with him sucking face with a fat Asian chick.  Fat-ish, anyway.  Why did it get replaced?  For the same reason that Disney is full of shit – China.

China has one rule in American cinema that gets shown there – no ghosts, no gays.  The LGBT community does NOT make an appearance in the movies that go across the pond to an audience that is eclipsing the American one.  As streaming gets bigger and bigger here, that eclipse is only going to get larger.  And as Hollywood and the major corporations only care about making money, they won’t let that market slip away, regardless of how many people bitch and moan.  So all you #GiveElsaAGirlfriend and #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend people, you’re fucked.  Because Disney doesn’t care about you.  Hashtags be damned, you don’t mean shit to them.  They will swear up and down that you and yours are so important to them, but you are just a dollar sign to them.

So, when I hear that Blizzard is equally full of shit, saying one thing and then doing another, I am not surprised.  After all, this social justice stuff is just as much of a dollar sign to them, and since social justice stuff is the mainstream view right now, and Activision is their new overlord, they can’t afford to not do whatever they think the mainstream wants.  Ham-fisted pro-LGBT characters?  Sure, why not?  Even if it’s just another Dumbledore being gay or Lando being pan, talked about but never seen in the actual films (or books in the former example)  Never gonna be in the game, but it’s out there for the brownie points.

To all you social justice types who are so pleased about Blizzard making some rando character gay, or inclusion in Disney films, keep this in mind – the SECOND that the public at large is tired of all this social justice stuff (and make no bones about it, that day is coming), they are going to sell all this inclusion nonsense up the river just like Joel did to humanity in The Last of Us.  They care about your money, nothing else.

Until next time, a quote,

“But the chart says…!” – Rob Walker

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Aladdin Trailer (2019)

You know what I hate?  Modern Disney.  Modern Disney has lost every ounce of the creativity that old-school Disney had.  Their creativity hit its last peak in the 90’s, and after that it’s all been downhill.  Now, because Disney is so devoid of creativity and desperate for quick bullshit that they can cash in on because they need to get pools of money that they can dive into like Scrooge McDuck, we have live-action remakes of their biggest movies back when they were animated and cool.  And they have, without a SINGLE EXCEPTION, sucked.  Badly.  They are all terrible.  The worst offender among them is the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast.  A film that proved that not only can Emma Watson not act, but she also can’t sing.  Go figure.

Since Disney is out of creativity, they also decided that they should take the time to shit on the legacy of Robin Williams as well, and make a remake of one of their best animated films, where the late actor was able to bring so much to it.  His role as Genie is iconic.  But hey, that’s just how it goes.  I guess Will Smith will get a crack at it.  The idea of having to hear him sing “Never Had a Friend Like Me” makes my cringe muscles go out of control.

However, they have finally released a trailer.  Before this, there was the poster for the film, and I will say that if there is one and only thing that they did right in this, it’s that the lamp looks cool.  That’s it.  Now, let’s watch the trailer for this movie and see what the damage is.

We begin on what is, admittedly, a very cool shot of the Arabian dessert.  Sand dunes are always very beautiful to film.  While the heat and I are not friends, part of me would love to see that scenery in person someday.  But we have this terrible orchestral version of the song that begins the animated film, “Arabian Nights.”  Oh Groj.  Not holding up well and we’re only a few seconds in.

Then we cut to another shot of the dunes, but look!  A CG city in the background!  Oh boy!  Obvious CG is obvious.  It’s not even well integrated.  It looks so out of place in this setting.  We get a closer shot, with CG parrot who I am going to assume is Iago.  It’s a safe assumption.  And just like every CG character in all the live-action versions of these movies, it looks bad.  These films really have hit a high mark in all having consistently terrible CG creations.  That’s almost impressive.  Not a single film stands out in any real way for quality CG characters.  Maybe it’s because I am just so conditioned to this shit and it has gotten to the point that I don’t take this shit seriously anymore.  Oh how I long for the days of practical effects.  Would it have been that hard to train a real parrot to fly around?  I guess they couldn’t do that over a CG environment where everything looks fake.  The bird would get lost in front of a green-screen.

We get to hear the voice of the Cave of Wonders!  Oh boy!  The creepy cave that appears from the dunes because of a weird magic beetle thing.  So how bad is this CG going to look?  The irony is that it was CG in the animated film, and I guarantee that will have looked a million times better.  Wait, what?  It’s a regular cave, but with glowing eyes?  Then how, exactly, has no one gone to get that lamp before?  If this cave is just sitting there waiting, then how has no one gone in there?  The voice-over tells me that only the “diamond in the rough” can enter, but if the place doesn’t open, then that rings hollow.  I’m sure that the cave disappears without some terrible CG effect.  I was right, though.  The Cave of Wonders in the original film, with dated CG, looks better than this.  Can nothing impress me in this trailer?

Oh look!  CG cave!  With CG treasure!  In an entirely CG backdrop without a single bit of an actual set!  Wow!  That’s so fake that the fakeness of it is leaping right off the fucking screen at me.  We get the title in that iconic font, and then we have Arab main character guy reaching for the lamp, which, as I said before, does look cool.  There.  I found one thing that impresses me – the lamp.  Congrats, Disney.  Some underpaid artisan worked really hard on a cool piece to go with a terrible movie.  Kudos to that craftsman.  Whatever you paid them, it wasn’t enough.

This looks so fucking stupid.  This is the next entry in the creatively bankrupt Disney corporation, who is so desperate to just cash in instead of taking risks.  Gotta love.  Of course, these films make bank, so I guess the retarded American public eats this shit up too.  So I get to be in a wonderful minority of people who see all these truly amazing films languish on the vine, while endless dreck like superhero films and whatever cash-grab remake, reboots, sequel, or live-action version has the intellectually-void public paying money for.  This country needs to fucking die.  Not kidding.

Initial Verdict
I’m so sorry, Robin Williams, that Disney wants to shit on your legacy

Peace out,

Maverick