Lucien’s First Take: Star Wars IX: Rise of Skywalker l Final Trailer

I can’t believe how bad this look.  I’ve been seeing some reactions around, and people who think this is gonna be some tour de force for the trilogy that will bring it back after Rian Johnson shit all over it, and I genuinely don’t get where these reactions are coming from.  Did we watch the same trailer?!  Because all I saw there was just blatant pandering to what fandom is left and a desperate attempt to try and bring some of the die-hards back with desperate nostalgia grabs.  John Williams makes good music!  Did you all hear that?!  And the Emperor is back!  Doesn’t that excite you?  Oh, and old-school star destroyers!  You gotta be excited about that!  Let’s watch this insufferable pile of shit.

Our first shot and I hate it.  Look, the helmet from the Endor mission!  And a lightsaber!  If only it was being used by someone who isn’t a fucking Wheat Thin.  It’s been said by everyone on the Internet, but can we all address the fact that Rey is a fucking Mary Sue?  She is perfect at everything.  You can describe her personality with a fart sound.  Daisy Ridley can’t act.  Although, you know, part of me wonders if this is really on her or if it’s the writing of the character that is just so bland that no one could make this role memorable.  I hear she was in some Shakespeare shit.  Maybe she does better.  I doubt I’ll ever know.

And look, Finn is back!  Because he’s SO much more interesting, right?  You know, J.J. Abrams had a plan for this trilogy.  It makes me wonder what could have been.  But as it stands, Finn is the equivalent of an chocolate graham cracker.  His personality is equally bland, much less interesting.  Rich Evans once hypothesized that he was going to be the Ron Stoppable to Rey’s Kim Possible.  That could have been an interesting take.  And Jar Jar Rose is back!  You know, the most insufferable character from the last film.  I’m so glad to see her.  Not to body shame, but it’s really noticeable that she’s put on a lot of weight.  Genuinely not trying to shame her, it’s just something that caught my eye.  Given her lack of personality from the last film, all I knew about her is that she’s Asian, and chunky.

From there we get some pretty nifty CG shots.  Because if we can’t have an engaging plot, we might as well have beautiful visuals!  Rey does some terrible narration, and then…oh fuck.  Kylo Ren is back.  I hate this guy so much.  He’s so bland and non-threatening.  There’s nothing about him as a villain that even remotely engages me.  In the first film they played it up like he’s playing at being Darth Vader, and how it was kinda sad, because he most assuredly isn’t.  But after the last film and what a little bitch he was, now I just wish they would kill him off and be done with it.  He says that he knows Rey.  Really?  Can you tell the audience about her, because we don’t have anything approaching a personality to lock down on this broad.

Then…oh no.  We have the Emperor narrating.  Oh fuck me.  So, because Rian Johnson is a moron and killed off Snoke, now Abrams is stuck in the position of having to find some kind of villain to actually make this plot engaging.  So now we get to have some kind of Deus Ex Machina to explain why the Emperor isn’t dead and was somehow manipulating things behind the scenes.  Jesus Christ.  This is so stupid.  Now, I get it.  Disney put themselves into a corner with this.  After all, they had to make SOMETHING to put out there and end this trilogy.  They couldn’t just leave it hanging.  But this is just sad.  This level of plot contrivance is just the worst.

Then there’s a montage of shots of cool scenery and an endless marasse of CG effects.  Rey and Dumbo (because of his giant-ass ears) having a really boring lightsaber fight.  A ship on CG water and a CG fleet coming together.  We then cut to probably the weirdest line in the film.  You have C-3PO getting a little actual puppet character to fuck with his system and hook him into something.  Then he stops and says that he wants to have one last look at his friends.  Um…what?!  When has it been established that any of these people are your friends?!  What scenes have you shared with any of these characters?!  All of your friends are dead!  Han, Luke, Leia, all dead!  Who are these fuckers to you?

We then move on to the final montage to get you revved up.  Do you remember John Williams’ great score?  Yeah, I do.  A pity it’s being waste on this shit.  And look, Billy Dee Williams!  What mansion did they haul your octogenarian ass out of to have you in this desperate attempt to cash in on nostalgia?  It’s a shame too, because I like Lando.  We then have…a horseback charge on a star destroyer.  I’m sorry, what the fuck is this?!  This is the dumbest thing I think I’ve ever seen.  Yes, because in the future all the people with lasers are going to be SO undone by morons on horseback, right?

So, according to the scuttlebutt around Hollywood, Rise of Skywalker isn’t actually finished yet.  Like, as in they’re still shooting scenes with the actors.  It’s in production.  Not post-production, but production.  With two months until release, it’s still being shot.  The reason is (allegedly) that Abrams went to the Disney executives and told them he had it ready, but that not everyone is going to like the ending.  At which point, Disney flat-out told him “um, what?  You better fucking do it again then, because we want the audience cheering for more Star Wars!”  After the massive financial black hole that was Solo: A Star Wars Story and The Star Wars Experience being a ghost town that they sunk an astronomical amount of money into, Disney is desperate to get people cheering for the new trilogy that the now-disgraced writers of Game of Thrones are supposedly doing.

I know that this movie is gonna make a fuck-ton of money, because Star Wars fanboys/girls are almost as die-hard as Nintendo fanboys/girls, but deep down I really hope it fails.  I want this franchise to die with its legacy intact.  With some level of dignity.  Not be driven into the ground until there’s nothing recognizable left.  Please, for the love of Groj just let this franchise go gracefully.

Initial Verdict
3 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

RIP, MCU (and Spider-Man)

For those who didn’t know, the MCU is quietly going to die.  Disney will keep pumping money into it for as long as they possibly can, on their new Disney streaming service that I have zero intention of paying money to.  The actually good Disney films are ones I can buy, and already have.  The best days of this absolute whore of a company are behind them.  Good riddance, if you ask me.  Naturally, their latest live-action remake abortions Aladdin and The Lion King made a shitload of money, because the dumb-shit audiences who just want their nostalgia boners stroked will flock to theaters to watch these movies with their dumb-ass kids that they couldn’t just show the originals to.  Because why show them timeless films when you can show them ones that will be dated in a couple years?  Lots of questions.  Man was this a digression.

It seems that the door to Spider-Man continuing to be part of the MCU moving forward has officially closed.  Initially, everyone blamed Sony, when it turns out it was Disney getting greedy and demanding more money from the proceeds, when Sony has to foot the bill for the production costs.  Essentially making these movies a financial black hole for them.  I guess the long term goal was to get Sony to just sell the rights to Disney and be done with it, but they stuck to their guns.  What a horrible mistake that was.

So now we can say goodbye to this franchise having any potential whatsoever.  Sony has already announced that they have six Spider-Man TV shows in the works.  Let me repeat that – six!  Six television shows for one character.  Groj-dammit.  I guess Sony’s latest plan is to just drive this IP into the ground.  After all, they want to make movies for all of Spider-Man’s villains.  Because that worked so well with Venom, right?  A movie so poorly reviewed that even Tom Hardy hated it.  You know, because Sony slashed all the stuff that was actually violent.  Guess he won’t be back for a sequel, which you know they will make because the film made enough money for it to break even, which means – gotta make a sequel!  I feel so bad for Tom Holland.  All of that notoriety, which will go to waste on progressively-worse movies, because it’s abundantly clear that Sony can’t manage this franchise for shit.  Sony Pictures is the bastard stepchild of the film industry.

Back to Disney, did you know they plan to have over 20 MCU productions in just two years?  There will be the big blockbusters, like Chick Thor and Doctor Strange Lovecraftian Nightmare (that one might be interesting) and Guardians of the Galaxy 3: Where The Last Remnants of the Good MCU Go to Die.  Oh yeah, and a Black Widow film.  Which I guess will take place sometime before she died.  Meanwhile, they plan to have a TON of shows on their Disney streaming service.  Like Captain Falcon and Woefully Poorly Used Winter Soldier, Hawkeye: The Lost MCU Veteran, and New Blade.  And that isn’t even close to the end of it.  Thing after thing after thing, each more creatively bankrupt than the last.

See, Disney didn’t do the smart thing after the end of the Avengers saga.  Instead of taking a break from the MCU, getting some creative ideas going and flushing out a new saga to go with, they instead decided to just shove as much MCU trash at you as they possibly could.  Just drown the audience in MCU.  Pimp out Disney’s new streaming service, that is just gonna have a bunch of corporate filtered crap.  And probably not the films for the best days in Disney’s tragic history.  The complete cynic inside me thinks that what’s going on with the MCU is that Disney is trying to make as much bank as they possibly can before this franchise goes under.  They can see the financial numbers about to go down since everyone’s favorite characters are gone.  Robert Downy Jr. is out.  Samuel L. Jackson is out.  The cast of Guardians is gonna be out soon.  Tom Holland is out.  So now they have to just capitalize on the nostalgia for something that’s not even old enough to be nostalgic.  Because that’s what Disney does now.  They are nothing but a complete whore who is so desperate for your dollar that they will shove whatever they think will get you into the theaters or onto their crap streaming service out the door.  Who cares if it’s creatively bankrupt.  The brain-dead American audiences will go see it, so fuck the haters, am I right?

Part of me wonders if things wouldn’t have gone a different way if Captain Marvel had been more of a success.  But since they hired a woman who couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag and gave writers that couldn’t write a “strong” female character to save their lives, she ended up being despised.  It’s why they wisely chose to limit her role in Endgame.  Thing is, it was pretty clear they wanted her character to head up a new Avengers style saga.  With her film being a bomb, though, they had to go back to the drawing board.  The corporate boardroom one, not the kind where actual creative people do great things.  I wonder if Disney has vague memories of what that is like.

So the MCU is going to pump out as much crap as they can, making as much bank as they possible can, before superhero fatigue finally goes full burn and the audience dies just like they did for Pixar.  At which point Disney is going to move on to whatever else they can.  Like how they have gutted 20th Century Fox’s original ideas and are only pumping out movies that are nostalgic.  Like did you know they are rebooting the Alien franchise?  You know, the one where it had two of the best science fiction films of all time with a female character who was actually strong and memorable?  Yup, Disney wants to capitalize on that drama, by giving us a bland cookie-cutter remake that will basically do nothing but suck nostalgia’s cock so the brain-dead morons who give this company their money will go see it.  Fuck modern Disney.  I hate these people so much.

All of this while they are going to be running Star Wars into the ground.  Disney seems to have taken a new tack with this franchise in how they run it into the ground.  Instead of a bunch of films that could be financial black holes like Solo, or absolute dumpster fires like The Last Jedi, they are making their non-numbered films into TV shows for their streaming service.  Which are going to mostly suck, but because they are on a streaming service, the reviews won’t crucify them.  Because that stuff never gets a lot of press, unless it’s the first season of Stranger Things.

What was all this about again?  Oh yeah, how the MCU is going to die.  In conclusion, the MCU is going to die the slow, painful death of a thousand cuts.  If my audience is smart (which I assume you are), don’t contribute to the financial “success” of these movies.  Don’t give Disney your money.  Deny them that bank.  Vote with your wallet.  Tell them we don’t want processed crap and want actual creativity.  You know what, never mind.  Nobody listens to me, and if people didn’t want this trash, they wouldn’t go see it.  So I’m just wasting my time.

Until next time, a quote,

“Sometimes, the American news is like a tired old whore who only tells you what you wanna hear.” – Doug Stanhope

Peace out,

Maverick

Lucien’s First Take: Mulan Official Trailer (2020)

I’ve made very, very clear how much I despise modern Disney.  I’ve described the media as a tired old whore telling you whatever they think will get your click fingers going, but Disney sure isn’t far behind them.  Doing whatever they can to get the maximum amount of money in with the minimum amount of effort.  We’ve seen that with TERRIBLE live-action version of films, each worse than the last.  But it seems that Disney is keen to one-up their shitty movies, and we get to see the dim-witted, dumb-shit millennial audiences who will shell out money to see it because they are nostalgia junkies who need their next fix.  The first trailer dropped, and it pissed me off.  Let’s watch it together, then we’ll talk about it.

 

Oh fucking boy.  Why do people keep seeing this crap?!  Can SOMEONE please tell me what it is that draws you fuckers in to watch this garbage?  That’s not rhetorical.  Someone explain this to me in a way that a pretentious pseudo-intellectual can understand.  All ears.  Lots to talk about.

For starters, we have this scene where Mulan is on a horse, in what is a nice setting of the Chinese countryside.  Okay.  Then we cut to her at home, and it seems the match-maker has already got her hitched.  So the scene where she fucks up the appointment with the match-maker and gets yelled at, only for her father to say that he cares for her for the person she is?  Yeah, guess they cut that out.  Now the dad just says this is for the best and we leave it at that.  What a great way to avoid having a family dynamic and getting to know the characters.  Not to mentions one of the big song numbers.  Given what we see in the rest of the trailer, I have a sneaking feeling there won’t be any actual music in this movie.  Call it a hunch.

Then there is a montage with who I presume to be the match-maker, listing off qualities that a wife should have.  During this montage we see Mulan doing martial arts and practicing with a sword.  Wait, what?  Why is she this really competent warrior already?  In the original film, she wasn’t.  There was no indication she could fight.  Her taking her father’s blade and going to serve in his place was done because she was more scared of him dying than how little she knew.  Part of what made the original film great was how she had to grow.  There was the best song number in that film where we see this fantastic musical and visual montage showing Mulan’s growth for a weak, unskilled newbie and her journey to become a skilled fighter and able to keep up with all the guys.  It’s so weird to me that in a movie that is marketing on girl power, they’re stripping an element from the film that helps show Mulan grow as a character.

The montage continues showing Mulan as she is with the troops and heading into battle.  Um, am I the only one who thinks that she looks feminine was fuck as a guy?  This is why animation works and live-action doesn’t.  Her features betray that she is a woman.  This film is gonna totally lack all suspension of disbelief when she tries to pretend to be a man and nobody notices that she looks like a bad tomboy.  The least they could have done as butch her up a little.  But then you can’t sell girl-power, because then she looks masculine, and that can’t work.

It ends with her whipping her sword around all cool and I guess she ditches the male persona pretty quick in this movie.  Because throughout the whole last bit, she’s looking like a woman again.  As memory serves, that was after she was wounded and her cover got blown.  Guess that scene doesn’t happen in this movie.  Not to mention, where’s the bit with the Imperial City and catching the Mongolians in their plan to ambush the Emperor?  Where’s the scene with her and her chums using skills they honed before to sneak in?  Where’s the scene of the chums in drag?  That shit was hilarious.  I don’t see any chums in this movie.  Guess that would take too many actors, you know, acting.  That’s too much work.

Also, where the fuck is Mushu?  Are they just ditching that?  Did they learn from Aladdin and realize that all these CG side-kicks just look fake as fuck?  Oh wait, I know why he’s not in this.  See, China has this rule about movies that are shown there – no ghosts, no gays.  Mushu ends up with her because the spirits of the family elders try to send one of the guardians to watch over her, and he ends up fucking that up so he goes to make things work with her so he doesn’t lose his ability to go home.  But all that stuff with ghosts is no-go in China, and Disney won’t do anything to disrupt that sweet China cheddar.

Can’t help but notice that since she’s supposed to be in a big battle, her outfit is very nice and not dirty or cut or anything.  Her face is very nice too.  So’s the makeup on it.  Guess they don’t want to worry about that little detail. If she wasn’t cute, then little girls couldn’t put themselves inside her like a skin to vicarious experience the movie through her.

It’s so weird to me that the film that CLEARLY is marketing itself on girl power is so much less of a female strength metaphor than the film it a remake of.  The original film told the story of a woman who didn’t let herself get held back.  She stood tall with the men, and earned their respect.  She went from an inexperienced woman pretending to be a man, to being the savior of China.  This film clearly decided that that was too much work.  Instead, just make it a Lord of the Rings knock-off in terms of battles, and make her super strong and super awesome without having to work at it.  Oh, and ditch the songs because then the characters would have personality.  That’s too much work for modern Disney.

Initial Verdict
You people who see this are the reason this shit gets made

Peace out,

Maverick

Disney is Pure Evil (Spider-Man Edition)

There’s this perception of Disney as this big family-friendly company.  They care about the children.  They care about being progressive and values and all that other shit.  It’s the ultimate lie that they spend inordinate amounts of money to maintain.  However, for those who have any amount of perspective and aren’t complete saps, they can see the truth – that all that family-friendly, progressive values shtick is just bullshit.  That this company is as ruthless and evil as any other.  All they care about is the money people pay them.  The fact that people can’t see thru this and even defend them is simply beyond me.

Of course, it helps that they have a huge media empire who does nothing but kiss their ass.  And that the media in general is nothing but a whore who will turn whatever tricks will get them clicks.  There’s no bottom there.  It’s what destroyed Gawker, after all.  So we see articles doing nothing but trumpeting how Disney is so great after they use progressive values to get cheap marketing points.  Did you hear that Ariel is gonna be played by a black chick in the new live-action (mostly CG) The Little Mermaid movie?!  Well that’s so progressive of them.  A black mermaid!  Never mind that it’s gonna be a cheap cash-grab, like all the rest of their cheap cash-grab movies that have ALL sucked!  Without a single exception!

But of course, Disney doesn’t care.  They make money like gangbusters on this shit.  It pours in..  All from idiots who just want to feel that nostalgia again.  Because that’s the culture we live in.  Moron who want to idolize movies from their youth.  You know, instead of just watching those movies that had heart and talent and were good and not watching the new ones that are “progressive” and boring and phoned-in piles of shit.  Because it’s a cartoon, after all.  Now we get to see the version for grown-ups.  You know, with terrible modern Disney jokes, and performances by ethnically-fitting actors/actresses who couldn’t act their way out of a paper bag.  Sure, they shit on the legacy of other people like Robin Williams by having Will Smith phone in every song he does.  He sounds so fucking medicated in every single he sings in that shit-tastic Aladdin remake.

Meanwhile, we have Tom Holland who is the actor portraying the current Spider-Man is open to being a gay Spider-Man, saying that the MCU needs more gay characters.  News flash, Tommy-boy, ain’t gonna happen.  Know why?  Because Disney doesn’t wanna lose that precious China cheddar.  And guess what, China has a rule – no ghosts and no gays.  So unless the gay character can have their gayness edited out of a movie, Disney will never, EVER touch it.  I refuse to believe that this guy is so stupid that he isn’t aware of this.  But he wins progressive points with the media who does nothing but kiss the ass of that line of thinking.  That’s why he said that.  Most actors/actresses are aware that Hollywood is nothing but evil corporate monoliths.  So yeah.

I talked before about the fact that Disney, as a corporation, is petty and absurd in the extreme.  If you have a little cake-decorating business in Guyana where you print sugar images on cakes, and you print Disney characters. even if no one outside the people in your town know who you are, Disney’s lawyers will find you and sue your ass into oblivion.  That’s the company who talks about how “family” they are.  They will fuck up ANYONE who uses their intellectual properties without their signature notarized on their ass.  But it seems that this actually gets worse.

See, there’s a dad whose son died.  The kid was a huge Spider-Man fan.  Naturally, because this dad wanted his son to be remembered, he wanted to put his favorite superhero on his son’s grave.  What a sweet thing to do in a horribly tragic situation.  Or it would be, if Disney didn’t swoop in like the evil Nosferatu mother-fuckers that they are and say “nope!  Can’t do that, or we will sue your ass!”  That’s right, Disney’s lawyers came down from on high and told this guy he can’t do that.  Can’t put his son’s favorite superhero on his fucking grave.  Because it violates their intellectual property.  Wait, I’m sorry.  I meant to say that they “want to preserve the magic of the character.”  Yeah, that’s something a fucking lawyer wrote.

I’m convinced that after you obtain a certain amount of money, your morals just stop existing.  It has to be that way.  Otherwise, how can you tell a grieving father that if he puts his son’s favorite superhero on his fucking grave, you’re gonna sue him for copyright infringement.  As you might imagine, the media who is busy kissing Disney’s ass ain’t said shit about this.  Of course not.  They’re too busy yelling at idiots who are mad about Ariel being a black chick or telling Tom Holland how “woke” he is.  Because if the media was capable of talking about anything like the fact that Disney is the most petty, pathetic, malicious company in existence and really took a hard look at what scum-fucks run that monkey farm, what a wonderful world it would be.  The media doing its job.  There’s a funny thought, eh?

Fuck Disney.  Fuck them so hard.  Avengers: Endgame is where I’m tuning out of the MCU.  I do mean to see it, one of these days.  Now that that is done, and they are laying the franchise and the best people in it to rest, it’s a good time to just sit back and watch as Disney does to Marvel what they’ve done to Pixar and Star Wars – milk it until the cow runs dry and the creative energy long since departs.

Who are the defenders of this?  Who?  I wonder if the media who’s busy kissing Disney’s ass is gonna try and spin this.  Probably not.  There’s no possible way you could make Disney look good in this disgusting, amoral nightmare that they have become.  Makes me wonder what Stan Lee would think.  A company who is spitting in the face of a grieving father.  Lee wanted everyone to love his superheroes.  To be able to express that in their own way.  Sure, he was a consummate company man, but I’d like to think that even this is a bridge too far.

This company is fucking dead to me.  They buy company after company, owning more and more media and turning more and more of it into family-friendly shit.  I remember when Miyazaki put out his magnum opus, Princess Mononoke.  Disney owned the distribution rights to Studio Ghibli’s work, but this film wasn’t like the others he made.  This one was violent in the extreme.  So Disney asked if they could make some cuts to the movie, to get rid of the more violent stuff.  Miyazaki sent the head of Disney a katana with a note – no cuts.  I wonder if ANYONE who is associated with that company would have those kind of balls now.  A man can hope.

Until next time, a quote,

“Disney, fuck you with a capital F!” – ItsAGundam

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: Disney is Remaking A Night on Bald Mountain in Live Action (CG)

I fucking hate modern Disney.  There are not words to describe how shitty they are.  I could sit here and explain in exhaustive detail all of my grievances with modern Disney, but then I’d be here for hours and you all would get REALLY bored.  Understandably so.  But what they are doing to cash in on people’s nostalgia has finally reached the point that it pisses me off beyond the pale.  I could handle them fucking over the legacy of Robin Williams with their shit-tastic version of Aladdin.  Especially since Will Smith sounds medicated in that movie.  I listened to the soundtrack, and he sounds so tired in every song he sings.  I was annoyed but just shrugged and went “whatever” when I saw their “live-action” version of The Lion King being advertised.  Sure, all the CG animals have zero personality because they have the uncanny valley level of CG detail, but whatever.

I’ve heard that they are remaking Lilo & Stitch.  Because that’s just what that filmed needed!  A fun and colorful and touching story about a girl, an alien, and finding the meaning of family.  It needed to be remade with Disney doing their now trademark diversity pandering!  Yay!  They’re remaking The Little Mermaid.  Maybe they can have Ariel be a Muslim mermaid.  Have her wearing a seaweed burka.  Diversity, after all.  And you know what, that’s all fine too.  Because after all, why would we want to have those old 2D animated films be the ones we remember?  Those aren’t the moves for “grown ups,” after all.  No, instead we have to remake them in the worst way possible, with acting that is The Last Airbender levels of bad.  Taking all the charm and whimsy the animated films had and bending them over a table without any lube.

Then I found out something utterly horrifying that has pissed me off so much – they are remaking A Night on Bald Mountain in “live-action.”  Oh boy.  Fuck you Disney!  Fuck you and your creatively-bankrupt company!  You all take the things that people love and fuck them over the ass. I loved that piece in Fantasia.  It’s my second-favorite.  My first being The Rite of Spring, telling the story of the growth of life on Earth.  A Night on Bald Mountain is a fantastic piece.  The levels of darkness, both musically and dramatically is just insane.  The demon Chernabog summoning the souls of the dead and the damned for an insane party for one night, it’s incredible.  The animation is flawless.  Absolutely flawless.  The portrayal of the dead and the damned is just so perfect.  As they rise from the graves, rising up the mountain, you can almost feel the dread the townspeople are feeling as they stay inside and hope that dawn comes soon.  It all builds and builds, culminating in the most visceral experience I have ever seen in 2D animation.  Nothing else has even come close.  Plus, at the end, there is the fantastic pairing up with Franz Schubert’s “Ave Maria,” which has the townspeople seeking the light of Heaven to cleanse them of the darkness.  It’s perfect.

So I guess a whole bunch of suits and Disney are sitting around going…
“Hey guys, we’ve been remaking all of these classic movies and making money like gangbusters.  What else do we got?”
“How about we take that one bit from Fantasia about the demon and remake it!”
“But that’s not a whole story.  It’s a musical showing of what happened during one night.  How could we make that into a full-length movie?”
“Just have some big actors/actresses with some stupid story about killing the demon and put in some diversity shit to make people talk about how, if you don’t see it, you’re a bad person.  All of this nostalgia shit makes money anyway, so we can make this into whatever we want.  Just make sure all the advertising for the movie only shows the stuff that will play on people’s nostalgia.  We don’t want them to know that this is just a cash-grab that can make us a fuck-ton of cash.”

And then I figure that they laugh heartily and pay some Thai child to dance on top of a tank full of piranhas for their amusement.  Because Disney is pure evil, after all.

I can’t believe that Disney is doing this.  It isn’t enough that they took this franchise and turned it into a fucking Kinect game?!  It isn’t enough that they have made cash-grab after cash-grab of all their old 2D films, and every last one of them has fucking sucked?!  Without a single exception!  They are all nothing but trash!  That isn’t enough?  Now you have to take one of the hallmarks of animation and turn it into another piece of shit, all so you can make a quick several hundred million dollars to satisfy your investors?!  Oh how I wish Chernabog were real, so he could turn you and all your board of directors into pig demons.  It would be fitting, after all.  Then he could put you in front of a pile of money and tell you to worship it.  Would be fitting, given what you all do.

How people can stomach modern Disney is beyond me.  They pander to diversity because it sells.  The moment it doesn’t, they will kick it out the door like a $10 whore.  It’s why you don’t see gay characters in their big-budget movies, after all.  Because then they wouldn’t be able to sell their films big in China.  Although, I guess they won’t have to worry about that with this live-action trash.  You can’t have ghosts in films that go to China either.  So hey, go big with the gay pandering in this movie.  Oh wait, that would be hard because the premise is about a demon having a giant party.  Associating that with gay people would send the wrong message to the far-left community you are trying to pander to.

Ah, what the Hell.  Just fuck over the entire storyline.  In order to make this have a 90 minute runtime, you’re already gonna have to do that anyway, so might as well go big.  Make Chernabog a person of color transgender pansexual.  They aren’t having a party with all the damned and the souls of the dead that they summoned to them with their presence.  They just wanted to give all the dead POCs a place to gather where they feel included.  The villain can be Christian white nationalist groups!  Maybe they are having a straight pride parade!  Yeah, that’s a great angle.  It’s not like Disney or whatever two-bit director they will get for this shit actually cares about the story they are adapting anyway, so why not?  I’d kind of prefer that you all just go the distance with fucking the story over.  Then I don’t have to feel like you are shitting on one of my favorite movies.

But you can guarantee that I’m not giving Disney money to see this trash.  Not a fucking chance.  Disney and their live-action butt-rape of this bit from one of my favorite films can suck a dick.  Can suck all the dicks.  Fuck Disney.  Fuck these live-action movies.  They all suck.  They will always suck.  The critics who say nice things about them are paid shills.  The audience who likes them is Americans who we already know are dumb as dirt.  Fuck this.  Can these people please stop raping what I love?

Until next time, a quote,

“It’s very simple – if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies.” – Jay Sherman

Peace out,

Maverick

Rational Man in Disney Movies

I got to talking to a now former coworker of mine about how there are so many things that I would do if you put me in any random film.  And I still feel that way.  So I gots me an idea for a post series that I could do – putting a rational man inside of films, books, what-have-you.  These are just going to be little things that I have noticed in little blurbs.  Let me know if you have ones that come to you.

Rational Man in Snow White
To the Evil Queen: “So, you go through all the effort of making a poison that seeps into an apple when you are the queen of a kingdom?  Why not just send your army to kill that chick?  It seems like you went out of your way to make killing her a thousand times harder than it needed to be.”

To Snow White: “Why is it you felt that it was a good idea to just set up shop in the home of seven dwarfs?  I mean, they probably haven’t seen a woman in years.  The fact that they didn’t turn you into a living sex toy is insane.”

Rational Man in Sleeping Beauty
To Maleficient: “Look, I think you’re awesome.  But why is it you decided to become the dragon?  I mean, as a witch you have nigh-unlimited power.  It seems like you were REALLY handicapping yourself by taking them away and turning yourself into a giant fire-breathing monster when he was clearly geared up for that.

Rational Man in Cinderella
To Aurora: how is it, if that glass shoe fits you just right that it fell off your foot?  I mean, that seems to signify that it is too big for your foot.  Which means that the Prince could easily have found a woman whose foot fit it more snugly and lived happily ever after with her.

To the Prince: why is it, precisely, that you needed to have a shoe fit to prove that someone is the person you danced with the night before?  I get that her attire would be different, but it would still have her same facial features and eye color.  Is your memory that bad that you couldn’t remember those details about her?

Rational Man in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (the Fantasia one, not that shit-tastic live action abortion)
To the Sorcerer: this kid nearly destroyed your entire home, ruined your spell-book, destroyed Groj-knows how much priceless artifacts of your trade, and could have potentially made a nigh-unstoppable army of broomsticks and all he gets is a whack on the butt with your broom?  I would kick the shit out of that little snot.  At this period in history, that wouldn’t even be frowned upon.

Rational Man in Robin Hood
To Prince John: Why is it you never hired an assassin to kill Robin Hood?  I mean, it can’t have escaped your notice that your own men can’t hit the broadside of a barn.  So why not hire a professional to deal with the problem?  A man with your power and connections, I refuse to believe you didn’t have that ability.  Hell, I bet there are people within your own country who could have got the job done.

To Robin Hood: So wait a minute, you’re telling me that you’ve been in a place where you could easily have dispatched the Prince and you never did?  Why?  It would have saved the kingdom a ton of grief, and you were already a wanted criminal.  It’s not like you would be losing anything by killing him.

Rational Man in Aladdin (the good version, not the live-action abortion)
To Jafar: Why is it that you decided to kill Aladdin in a way where he falls into the Cave of Wonders?  Seriously, you could easily have helped him out of that pit, gotten the lamp from him, and then killed him right there.  You were in the middle of the desert.  The only ones who would know is the sands and the vultures that would eat his body.  Hell, you were in disguise anyway, so yeah.  It just sounds like a needless risk.  And since his clever monkey friend got the better of you, it sounds like you lost out anyway.

To Aladdin: How is it that a guy with your level of cunning wasn’t able to find easy ways around the Genie’s rules?  I mean, you should have been able to see this right in front of you.  For starters, wish that the no wishing for more wishes rule was gone.  Boom, problem solved.  Or, failing that, wish for more genies.  Again, problem solved.  You show early on that you are capable of outsmarting the Genie and getting him to have his ego make the best of him, so why was this beyond you?

Rational Man in The Little Mermaid
To King Triton: How come you didn’t let Ariel absolutely have it after everything she did?  That girl not only disobeyed you, but she fucked up your kingdom, betrayed you and everything you stand for to an evil witch, and all for a boy that she likes.  In the end she gets everything she wants and doesn’t have to answer for anything.  I mean, how is that fair?  That girl should at least get locked in her room for a year or two until she gets why what she did was unfathomably stupid.

Rational Man in Atlantis: The Lost Empire
To Rourke: Why exactly is it you felt the need to try and steal Atlantis’ power source to get rich?  Do you not realize that your discovery is going to make you and everyone else in that crew rich beyond their wildest dreams?  They are a lost civilization, with untold treasures.  I mean, in the end they sent everyone back to the surface with a mountain of gold and jewels.  Who knows how much more they would have parted with if you left on good terms.

Rational Man in Jungle Book (the animated version, not the live-action abortion)
To Shere Khan: Why didn’t you just kill Mogli and be done with it?  You are too good to die this way.  Your pride is the thing that killed you.  You should have been picking your teeth with that upstart’s bones.  Seriously, fuck that smug kid.

Rational Man in Frozen
To Elsa: Why is it exactly you had to flee from the kingdom?  You’re a princess, eventually to be a queen.  Why do you care if the peasants label you a witch?  You can freeze their asses when they rebel and then sit on your throne with absolute power and a sister who is pretty much your bitch.

To Kristoff: So…what’s the deal with you and the reindeer?  I mean, the level of closeness you exhibit makes me REALLY think there’s something going on here.  I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this.

Rational Man in A Night on Bald Mountain
To Chernabog: How do I land an invite to the next party you have?  This looks to be a pretty awesome time.  You have sexy fire women, all these crazy demons and ghosts, and you’re fucking with everyone.  I bet this party is off the chain.

Let me know if there are other works you want to see done.  This is just testing the waters on my concept.

Until next time, a quote,

“Provoking people is extremely important because it gets people to think.” – Lawrence Krauss

Peace out,

Maverick

SIONR: Three More Star Wars Movies…

This franchise needs to die.  This franchise needs to fucking die right the fuck now.  It needs to die the death of a thousand cuts.  I thought that the prequels ruined this franchise, but I was wrong.  The new films did.  And before you write this off as me just being some Red Pill guy who hates the movie because wahmen, don’t.  I hate this franchise now for a whole bunch of other reasons.  Though I do think that Rey is boring and you could cut her from the most recent numbered film and nothing would have changed.  Not really.  Daisy Ridley can’t act, but that’s not her fault.  Emma Watson can’t either, and everyone loves her too.  But this franchise needs to go, and Disney has told us that it’s not going to.  Ugh…

What am I talking about?  I’m talking about the fact that Disney just announced that there are three more numbered films being made.  Groj only knows how many side-movies that means too.  You’d think they would have learned their lesson after what a financial disaster Solo was.  Well, I suppose they kind of did.  They realized that the best way to make these movies is to just feed the fandom fan service to make them cum in their pants.  That’s why you have J.J. Abrams back in the driver’s seat.  Rian Johnson tried to do something different and failed so spectacularly that J.J. outright said that he is going to retcon the ending to the previous numbered film for the next movie coming out this December.  Wow.  That’s pretty bad.  The trailer was boring and stupid, and it ends with the biggest fan service moment of all time – the Emperor laughing!  How did he survive being atomized in the Death Star?  I’m sure the answer will be stupid, but the fanbase doesn’t care.  They will cum in their pants just like Disney wants them to.

See, that’s the thing about Star Wars fans.  They are die-fucking-hard.  It doesn’t matter how stupid you makes these movies, how ridiculous the plot is, they will eat it up.  They will eat that shit sundae and make videos on YouTube defending them.  Hell, there was one where someone said the most recent numbered film was the best in the entire franchise.  J.J. Abrams said you don’t like it, you hate women.  This fanbase is so utterly exploitable.  Even Marvel isn’t this easy to cash-grab.  Disney seems to have realized where they hit their limit and is now toning it back.  But not Star Wars.  You can feel slop to these people for eons and they won’t care.  It blows my mind.  Part of why I have always avoided fandoms.  These bitches be crazy!

Never mind that The Force Awakens was a mediocre film at best.  It had the Millennium Falcon!  Never mind that Rogue One was genuinely bad for two acts, with only the final battle sequence being cool.  Never mind that The Last Jedi was a giant dumpster fire that was awful in every way, or that Solo was butt ugly to look at and boring.  They are still cheering that three more films are being made.  They don’t care.  I wonder what it would take for them to give up on the franchise.  I really do.  Disney has realized that taking risks with this license is a bad thing, so you know that it’s going to be nothing but fan service for years.  Is there ever a point where that isn’t enough?  When boring movies aren’t able to be sold to the fanbase just based on what pandering you put in there?  That’s not a rhetorical question.  I really want to know.

From where I’m standing, this franchise needs to fucking die!  It’s past the point where it is able to be enjoyed on any level.  The fan service does nothing for me.  The films have gone from mediocre and have been getting progressively worse.  Sure, Solo wasn’t even close to as bad as The Last Jedi, but the fact that it was so boring and I can’t remember the plot hardly at all is kind of worse.  I can at least remember everything about the former movie.  Especially the scene where Leia becomes Mary fucking Poppins to go back into the ship.  That was so funny to me when I watched it.  I was laughing so hard in the theater when that happened.  Got dirty looks from fanboys, but whatever.  If you can’t see why that’s so stupid, I pity you.

This franchise should have died thirty years ago.  No prequels, no sequels, just death.  Let it die with some fucking dignity.  Oh wait, this is modern Disney we’re talking about.  You know, where every one of their classic cartoon films is being remade as live-action cinematic abortion.  EVERY single one of their live-action films has sucked.  Badly.  Disney can’t let anything die.  Then they’d have to do something original, and I don’t think they even know how to do that at this point.  Things to ruminate on, eh?  I refuse to partake in any of this.  I said in my Solo review that that’s it.  No more.  I won’t let me friend give any of his money on my behalf (he convinced me to go on the pretense that he would pay my way) to see these movies when they are either going to range from okay to a turd sandwich.  I’m done.  Hopefully you are too.

Until next time, a quote,

“This sucks.”
“Yeah, this really sucks!” – Beavis and Butthead

Peace out,

Maverick