Decided to do a personal post. This is about the only place I can be honest with everyone. In my real world interactions, I basically choose not to talk to anyone, because everywhere I fucking look, it’s people not wanting to talk to me because I’m not super positive guy. And if you aren’t blowing sunshine up someone’s ass, you are worth talking to. That’s my life now. Just avoiding people because if you aren’t happy, NOBODY wants to talk to you. Everyone avoids you. It’s just the world we live in. Right now, I’m getting real sick of that. Sick of life, and all the bullshit that goes with it.
I hate adulthood. I fucking despise it. If I got a time machine, I would go back and tell young me to savor his youth as long as he possibly could. Of course, my youth ended kinda fast. See, I had this head injury when I was 14 that fucked my life forever, and I had to grow up real fast. There’s another thing I’d change. I’d tell me not to go riding on a bike. Just walk places. Stay off that road. Don’t get into sports. Was a bad idea to start with. I’d do a lot of things.
My rent is about to go up. A lot. I thought for a while it wasn’t so bad, but now that I see my new financial situation with a vehicle in my name, it just gets worse. All of my finances are just shit, and my ability to save in any measure is pretty much fucked. I keep running the numbers, over and over, in my head. There’s no escape. None. I’m saddled with this endless cavalcade of bullshit. It’s sucking the life out of me right now.
Had a million fucking interviews lately for jobs that pay better. Getting real fucking tired of it, but can I stop? Can I rest on my laurels? I wish I could! I like the team I’m with now. They are awesome people. But no! I have to keep at this fruitless task, because a job that pays better is a requisite. I can hear you saying – why not get two jobs? I work 9-5, five days a week. So what does that mean for my working? It means I’d have to get a job I can work on weekends. You know what that means – retail. Because no other kind of employer only hires people part time on weekends. With my medical issues, a job on my feet for hours on end is out. So yeah, that’s out.
I remember thinking that when I was an adult, I could do what I wanted. If I wanted something, since I knew I’d be working, I could buy it myself. Christmas and birthdays would lose some of their child-like luster, but I was more and more enjoying the idea of just spending time with family. Yeah, my list isn’t going to get any smaller this year. Because buying things for myself is a cute idea! Kinda like a vacation, or going to big events, or a social life, or fucking anything!
Doesn’t help that my personal life is another cute idea that died a long time ago. I get all the ugly shit associated with adulthood, and none of the perks. No love life. No sex life. No fucking anything! Just getting up, going to work, coming home. That’s my entire worthless, miserable life. But you can’t tell that to people. Because then you get the patronizing bullshit calls or something of “are you okay?” No! But what are you gonna do about it?! I can’t even afford to go long distance to the family because gas ain’t cheap either! Fuck!
I am so fucking tired of nothing working in my favor. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – where can I cash in on this fucking privilege that these SJWs claim I have in such abundance? I have white privilege, tall privilege, male privilege, and this is really a thing, smart privilege. I guess we should extol the virtues of being stupid. There’s an American thought for ya. Well tell you what, who do I have to talk to in order to get all the perks?! I will go there right now and find the nearest minority and rub their nose in these perks! I want my perks! Where the fuck are they?! I have had to fight and scratch and claw and bleed to get ANYWHERE in my life! So where the fuck can I get these imaginary perks that people say I have?! Please, tell me where to go. I will go there. Today! Right now!
Bust my fucking ass, and for what?! So I can have nobody to talk to about why things are hard right now?! Because everyone ignores me like the fucking plague because I’m negative?! “Lucien, nobody likes a downer.” Well then, I guess I get to be alone for the rest of my life. However long that ends up being. I take stupid risks just to feel…anything. I have no fear of death. Hell, I welcome it. Am I suicidal? Damn right! Only difference is that I have somewhere I have to get to before I can do that. I refuse to let my life end in this miserable apartment in this miserable city in this fucking icebox state where winter takes up seven months out of the goddamn year.
Every day I do my very best to be the best at whatever I do. Where has it gotten me? Nowhere. It’s gotten me failed relationships, failed friendships, and the subtle realization that one day I will wake up and I’ll be 40 and I’ll probably be in the same goddamn place doing the same goddamn thing. This is my life! I fucking hate adulthood. I would give my last 30 years to be able to go back and enjoy being a kid all over again. Because looking at the future gives me a fucking headache. Looking at the past feels pretty alright.
Until next time, a quote,
“‘What’s your favorite childhood memory?’ Not paying bills.” – Anonymous