The very definition of a random assortment of bullshit. I was at my terrible, awful, no-good, thankless job today when I walked into the break room and got a look at the vending machine. Don’t worry, I am not that pathetic. I was reloading on water. I actually am trying to take care of myself at this job. Hence why I go on walks every single day now, multiple times. But anyway, I get to the vending machine and I see a Twix candy bar. Twix is my favorite kind of candy, but the thing which caught my eye is what was directly above it – Two Left. The fuck?! Then I remembered the retarded-ass marketing campaign of this stuff.
See, the company behind this had this marketing campaign where people were supposed to pick whether they like left Twix or right Twix better. Like they aren’t the same goddamn candy! That was stupid all on its own, but since I only caught that crap when I was out at the parent’s place watching TV, it didn’t bother me too much. But then they decided to expand upon that retarded crap by introducing this newest marketing garbage. See, since apparently this marketing campaign actually worked (what the fuck is wrong with you, America?!), they made packages that claim to have two left or two right Twix. Why? So the stupid monkeys who actually weighed in on this nonsense can have their precious left or right. Fuck that noise!
As it has been made very clear that Americans are too stupid to get this crap, allow me to explain – you cannot have two left or two right of something in a package! You have one thing on the left and one on the right! Ugh! But then all my retarded-ass coworkers said that I am overthinking this and how this reflects negatively upon me. Are you kidding me?! We have an ad campaign that is championing being dumb! How am I the only person that bothers?! Come on, people! In the Comments, someone tell me I am not totally out of my mind here (just watch, now I get so trolled. Never invite the Internet to do stuff like this)!
That stuff aside, there is another thing that got my attention recently – I saw in movie news that the Venom film is going to also star Carnage as the antagonist. Really? Don’t you think you’re kind of putting your best foot forward a little early? Seems like you may want to see if a first Venom film can work before you pit symbiotes against one-another. But as I thought about that more and more, it occurred to me – this better be an R-rated film! Why? Let’s discuss some comic nerd stuff.
Carnage is a truly grisly villain. As the comic series has gone on, his body count is fairly astronomical. The character’s entire schtick is that he uses his body to turn into gruesome weapons and rip his victims to pieces. That’s pretty cool. Put to film, such a character would be genuinely amazing, would they not? Here’s the problem – this is a Sony film. They suck at making movies! The new Spider-Man only turned out so well because it was paired up with Marvel. Tom Hardy as Venom definitely has an appeal to it. He’s a great actor who can do dark roles very well. I see him being able to take on something of an anti-hero like Venom and making it go pretty far. But in a film with Carnage, here’s what I want – a HARD R-Rating!
Not this soft-R like Deadpool. As much as I love that film, it played it safe in a lot of ways. Logan was a step further in the right direction when it comes to gruesome comic book films with mainstream appeal. But that even cut some corners from going too grotesque. But no more of that with Venom! If this film is going to have one of the most violent comic book villains of all time, then it better ramp up the death, blood, and gore to 11. I want to see Venom beating the shit out of Carnage in a place filled with the mutilated bodies of his victims. I mean, how can you possibly market a film with these two characters in it as a family picture?!
In an age where comic book films are FINALLY willing to take some risks that majorly pay off, this is the film where I want to see it ramped up to 11. Hopefully that’s how they got Tom Hardy on board. He is something of a crazy method actor, after all. That man has brutalized himself in all sorts of ways for his roles. I dig that kind of crazy. And for the love of Groj, can we not let Sony get their claws into this film?! They can only make it worse. For whatever reason, this studio has a truly amazing record of taking good ideas and shitting all over them. We’ll never know how that works, but there it is.
Until next time, a quote,
“Just like sardine cans! Snack time!” – Carnage, Spider-Man: The Animated Series