RAB: Twix Marketing and the Venom Movie

The very definition of a random assortment of bullshit. I was at my terrible, awful, no-good, thankless job today when I walked into the break room and got a look at the vending machine.  Don’t worry, I am not that pathetic.  I was reloading on water.  I actually am trying to take care of myself at this job.  Hence why I go on walks every single day now, multiple times.  But anyway, I get to the vending machine and I see a Twix candy bar.  Twix is my favorite kind of candy, but the thing which caught my eye is what was directly above it – Two Left.  The fuck?!  Then I remembered the retarded-ass marketing campaign of this stuff.

See, the company behind this had this marketing campaign where people were supposed to pick whether they like left Twix or right Twix better.  Like they aren’t the same goddamn candy!  That was stupid all on its own, but since I only caught that crap when I was out at the parent’s place watching TV, it didn’t bother me too much.  But then they decided to expand upon that retarded crap by introducing this newest marketing garbage.  See, since apparently this marketing campaign actually worked (what the fuck is wrong with you, America?!), they made packages that claim to have two left or two right Twix.  Why?  So the stupid monkeys who actually weighed in on this nonsense can have their precious left or right.  Fuck that noise!

As it has been made very clear that Americans are too stupid to get this crap, allow me to explain – you cannot have two left or two right of something in a package!  You have one thing on the left and one on the right!  Ugh!  But then all my retarded-ass coworkers said that I am overthinking this and how this reflects negatively upon me.  Are you kidding me?!  We have an ad campaign that is championing being dumb!  How am I the only person that bothers?!  Come on, people!  In the Comments, someone tell me I am not totally out of my mind here (just watch, now I get so trolled.  Never invite the Internet to do stuff like this)!

That stuff aside, there is another thing that got my attention recently – I saw in movie news that the Venom film is going to also star Carnage as the antagonist.  Really?  Don’t you think you’re kind of putting your best foot forward a little early?  Seems like you may want to see if a first Venom film can work before you pit symbiotes against one-another.  But as I thought about that more and more, it occurred to me – this better be an R-rated film!  Why?  Let’s discuss some comic nerd stuff.

Carnage is a truly grisly villain.  As the comic series has gone on, his body count is fairly astronomical.  The character’s entire schtick is that he uses his body to turn into gruesome weapons and rip his victims to pieces.  That’s pretty cool.  Put to film, such a character would be genuinely amazing, would they not?  Here’s the problem – this is a Sony film.  They suck at making movies!  The new Spider-Man only turned out so well because it was paired up with Marvel.  Tom Hardy as Venom definitely has an appeal to it.  He’s a great actor who can do dark roles very well.  I see him being able to take on something of an anti-hero like Venom and making it go pretty far.  But in a film with Carnage, here’s what I want – a HARD R-Rating!

Not this soft-R like Deadpool.  As much as I love that film, it played it safe in a lot of ways.  Logan was a step further in the right direction when it comes to gruesome comic book films with mainstream appeal.  But that even cut some corners from going too grotesque.  But no more of that with Venom!  If this film is going to have one of the most violent comic book villains of all time, then it better ramp up the death, blood, and gore to 11.  I want to see Venom beating the shit out of Carnage in a place filled with the mutilated bodies of his victims.  I mean, how can you possibly market a film with these two characters in it as a family picture?!

In an age where comic book films are FINALLY willing to take some risks that majorly pay off, this is the film where I want to see it ramped up to 11.  Hopefully that’s how they got Tom Hardy on board.  He is something of a crazy method actor, after all.  That man has brutalized himself in all sorts of ways for his roles.  I dig that kind of crazy.  And for the love of Groj, can we not let Sony get their claws into this film?!  They can only make it worse.  For whatever reason, this studio has a truly amazing record of taking good ideas and shitting all over them.  We’ll never know how that works, but there it is.

Until next time, a quote,

“Just like sardine cans!  Snack time!” – Carnage, Spider-Man: The Animated Series

Peace out,



He Has Risen Today!

To all my viewers, I just wanted to wish you a Happy Easter!  We are celebrating the rise of our savior, through whom all of us are saved.  Only through him do you gain entrance into paradise.  Only through him do you get into the favor of the Almighty.  Only through him do you reach the paradise where all is great and you can live in happiness forever.  Easter BunnyYes, it is only through our savior, the Easter Bunny, that you can reach Paradise.

In the Book of Lucien, 4:20, it says,

And ‘lo did the Bunny come into the Temple.  When he doth saw the snakes and vipers, selling their heretical wares of fruits and vegetables, he became enraged.  In his rage, the Bunny threw over the stalls and cast them out of the Temple.  And they knew that he was the Lord, when he laid his vengeance upon them.

The wise and powerful Bunny stood against many of the Deceiver, Skellington’s, followers.  He told of the great knowledge kept in the bar of candy and the creme-filled egg.  His disciples gave up everything to follow him.  He endured all the torments of Skellington, from the temptation of sugarless candy in the desert, to the whiles of Cupid and his harlots.  But our savior stood against them all!

However, he was betrayed by one within his circle.  He was turned over to the Governor.  According to the Book of Lucien 25:25-27 –

When the Bunny had gathered his followers, he came into the midst of them.  “My children, one of you has betrayed me tonight.”
They all could not believe.  Jack Frost, the first among them stood up.  “Father, surely it is not I!  I would never speak falsely against you!”
The Bunny looked to him and said, “Verily I say unto you – you shall deny me three times tonight.”

The wisdom of the great Bunny in his prediction.  When the disciple, Jack Frost, did as he predicted, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.  But the Bunny’s hanging on the spit, over the fires of Skellington, were not in vain.  For he died for us, my friends!  The Bunny died so that we could be forgiven.  That is why the Almighty, Santa Claus, sent him to Earth.  He was so loving that he sent his only son to die for our sins.  His son paid that price so that we can be absolved of the sin of our existence because the first man and woman ate of the Forbidden Candy.  We are not worthy of this gift, yet he gave it to us anyway.  That just fills me with so much love for our Lord and Savior.  Doesn’t it do that to you?

Today, we must do as Bunny has commanded and gather family and friends.  After having given thanks to him and to the Almighty Santa, we must partake of the chocolate and the fruity sweets.  Let not the vegetables and fruits touch your lips!  Let not the meats and grains!  It must be as the Almighty has commanded!  For we must honor the wonderful sacrifice of his only son, so that we can have eternal life!

Of course, there are those who think that all of this is silly.  They will say that we have a belief that is scientifically false.  They blaspheme against the Bunny by saying that his fruits are not healthy and will make you unhealthy.  These are lies against Santa!  Do not let yourself be dissuaded by their blasphemy!  We have the Word of Santa guiding us, unlike those immoral atheists, who have no way of telling what’s right from wrong.  I mean, if they don’t listen to the Word, how do they have morals?!  It’s obvious that they are just rebelling against Santa, so they don’t have to deal with their sin.  It’s sad, really.  But don’t let their arguments turn you from your faith.  Pray for them, because it’s clear that they need the prayers.

Happy Zombie Bunny Day, everyone!  Let us all give thanks for all that the Bunny has given us!  In Santa’s name, Amen!

Peace out,