Top 10 Misleading Christmas Songs

Well, the holiday season has come.  I will admit that I enjoy Christmas music, but I am very picky about what I enjoy.  Wouldn’t be me otherwise.  I am more for big choral numbers.  I’m not a religious man, but I grew up listening to large choirs and it stuck with me.  Beautiful music is what it is.  And the stuff I like is either very old or done by very specific people.  However, as I have listened to Christmas music over the years, I have figured out a lot of things that normal people miss when they listen to it.  I may burst some bubbles here, but I think that you all should know.  Here are the songs that you think are one thing, but I will show you that they are another.

12 Days of Christmas10. 12 Days of Christmas
What you think it’s about: a guy who is giving his girlfriend/wife 12 random things
What it’s actually about: This song is a fascinating dive into the mind of a man who is probably the strangest person ever.
I mean, seriously, have you ever thought about the things that he gives this woman?  Aside from the gold rings, it’s all totally nuts!  I mean what is this woman going to do with 10 guys jumping around?  Or eight women milking?  And what are they milking?  The obvious implication is cows, but they never say.  It could be goats.  It could be rats.  It could be themselves.  You have no idea!  Whoever this person is, they are probably the most eccentric fellow ever, and I have a feeling that this woman is only with him because he can afford all of this crazy stuff, which means that he’s also loaded.  But yeah, really think about all the things he gives this woman.  It will make you wonder.

Grown-Up Christmas List9. Grown-Up Christmas List
What you think it’s about: A person wanting some more profound things as an adult
What it’s actually about: probably the most depressed person ever.
I say this because I actually have been there.  Listen to the lyrics, and it is clear that this person is not the happiest in the world.  As is want to happen when one grows up – you don’t really have any material stuff you want for Christmas.  After all, you can just get them for yourself.  So you think about all the things you’d rather have.  This person clearly pays attention to what is happening in the world, and they have become rather depressed, because it is a world that doesn’t look particularly nice to live in.  So they think back to when they were a small child, and want to dream of better days.  It’s a depressed musing from someone who is trying to believe.  Yeah, there’s a sobering thought.

Toyland8. Toyland
What you think it’s about: A magical world of toys!
What it’s actually about: a world of toys that is terrifying, and what’s more – you can never leave.
I love songs that sound so innocuous, yet hide darker meanings.  If I were a good musician, that’s the kind of stuff I would sing.  It’s a place that promises happiness and joy to children, but it states that once you are inside of it, you are never able to return again.  What the hell?!  That’s kind of dark and spooky.  It keeps reiterating how happy you are going to be there, but you still know that you are trapped once inside.  Can you imagine what happens to the kids once they learn the truth?  And why do they want children inside there anyway?  If you are unable to leave, then there must be a darker purpose to them keeping you trapped there.  Neat, huh?

Mommy Kissing Santa Claus7. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
What you think it’s about: a child who accidentally caught mom kissing dad, who is dressed up like Santa
What it actually is about: mom actually kissing Santa, because she’s a cheating ho-ho-ho.
Now, to really understand this, you have to listen to a specific version to really understand.  It’s the one by the Jackson 5.  You know, that group that Michael Jackson spawned from and became famous, while they languished in obscurity.  Sucks to be them.  Anyway, it’s all in the kid’s reactions.  I mean, why would dad be dressed up like Santa?  It is understood that he is going to be in bed, and the reality is that no parent actually dresses up like Santa if they don’t have to worry about their kids being there.  It’s a lot of work and no payoff.  Parents have already had to bust their ass, and they make it quick.  It’s just how things are.  So, who is this person that little Michael Jackson has caught making out with his mom?  Well, it’s obviously Santa.  That’s right, she was trying to use sex appeal to get more out of the guy.  That is either really clever, or really trashy.  I’ll let you be the judge.

Death Note Santa6. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
What you think it’s about: that fat jolly guy coming to town with his wares
What it’s actually about: a fat creepy monster who is clearly a terrifying stalker.
I mean, really, how do people not see this?  He sees you when you’re sleeping?  He knows if you’re awake?  He knows if you’ve been bad or good?!  What the fuck?!  This guy is clearly an evil monster, and the fact that that doesn’t scare people is simply dumb-founding.  Not to mention – he is able to get in your home without you noticing.  He could come into your room.  He could do all sorts of sick, twisted, evil stuff.  There’s no guarantee that he is a good guy.  Not to mention, after countless years of only being with Mrs. Claus, he’s gotta be getting tired of her…company, as it were.  So yeah, ladies, there’s some food for thought – a fat guy in a red suit in your home while you sleep.  That should give you shivers.

Santa Baby5. Santa Baby
What you think it’s about: a woman who is a little bit greedy making a Christmas list
What it’s actually about: the biggest ho-ho-ho that has ever been
I mean, seriously, this one is open-and-shut, right?  It is especially interesting that she is singing this song in such a syrupy-sweet way.  It always makes me think of porn, where the woman is so obviously intending to fuck the guy.  This woman has got to be the greediest person ever!  I mean, seriously, what is she going to do with some of that stuff?  The diamond ring, I get that.  But a platinum mine?  Are you going to handle the business side of things?  Just because you have a deed doesn’t mean that the wealth is flowing into your hands.  Not only is this woman a gold-digging whore, but she’s also an idiot who has no sense of responsibility.  Yeah, that’s out there now.

Hippo for Christmas4. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
What you think it’s about: a weird kid who wants a hippo
What it’s actually about: one of the most fascinating children who has ever existed and should be studied
I would LOVE to get to know this kid.  I mean, seriously, this is the coolest kid ever!  For one thing, where did the kid get the idea to get a hippopotamus for Christmas?  I really want to know.  I would want to know the entire story behind this.  Next, why did the kid do as much research as they did about it?  When the parents try to tell her that a hippo would eat them, she immediately counters that they are vegetarians.  Why would you want to learn all this about hippos?!  What compulsion drove you to do that?!  I have to know!  For real, this kid is so interesting.  On the off-chance that I have a kid of my own, I would want them to be this weird.

Hawaiian Christmas3. Mele Kalikimaka
What you think it’s about: a guy in Hawaii saying “Merry Christmas” in the native tongue.
What it’s actually about: a stoner on the beach in Hawaii on a  guitar
You gotta love a song that is so straightforward that people don’t get it.  It’s kind of fitting the the song is in Christmas Vacation in the scene where Clark is fantasizing about his new pool, and a woman being naked in it.  This song may say what Hawaii’s way of saying “Merry Christmas” is, but the reality is that it is not just Hawaii’s Christmas.  It’s also the stoner’s Christmas carol.  For real, the demeanor of this guy singing couldn’t be more laid back.  This is a no-fucks-given song, and bless it for that.  Even the stoners deserve their due.  Especially now that pot’s legal in my state.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
What you think it’s about: a reindeer that goes from an outcast to a savior
What it’s actually about: a dark story about how all the reindeer are indoctrinated and enslaved, and anyone who doesn’t fit in is brutalized
Neat irony – this is the same thing that the Rankin/Bass production company’s film is based too.  Both of these things have the same message – do your job and don’t make trouble.  You have Rudolph, a reindeer who is born with a slightly-terrifying birth defect – a glowing red nose.  Naturally, because reindeer society is indoctrinated to all be the same way, when they discover Rudolph’s abnormality, what do they do?  Well, they ostracize him.  It is much better explained in the companion film.  The children are raised to be Santa’s reindeer from a young age, and any who do not measure up are looked down on.  So yeah, this is a very dark song, if you really think about it.

And the most misleading Christmas song is…

Baby It's Cold Outside1. Baby, It’s Cold Outside
What you think it’s about: a guy who is trying to keep a girl from catching cold
What it’s really about: A guy who is trying to get into a girl’s pants
This is another one that I just don’t get why people aren’t able to see it.  I did an entire post where I deconstructed the ways in which it is clear that the guy singing this song wants to have sex with his date.  She is saying that she has to go, but the conviction in her voice is lacking.  He, seeing her resolve wavering, takes it upon himself to get her to stay.  He repeatedly comments about how her lips are calling to him, wanting to take her jacket off.  Yeah, this guy is like a heat-seeking missile, aimed right at her naked crotch.  And by the end, it seems to have worked.  Yeah, people who deny the truth about this are not thinking clearly.

So, what Christmas songs got you to see hidden meanings?  Let me know in the comments section.

Until next time, a quote,

“Christmas is so big, it’s eating other holidays!  Watch your ass, Halloween.  You’re next!”  -Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Peace out,

Maverick

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A Royal Baby – Who the F*ck Cares?!

So, I wake up today and see my news and Facebook home flooded with articles and videos about the royal baby.  Birthed from the pussy of a royal woman in England.  And as I am hearing about this and seeing people go bat-shit crazy over it, I have this one thought – who the fuck cares?

Really, that isn’t a rhetorical question.  Who legitimately thinks that this is something worth getting absolutely nuts over?  I mean, let’s look at this spawn and see what it represents.  First, it is a spawn that is guaranteed wealth and luxury from the day it is born.  It won’t have to work for anything.  It won’t have to try hard to survive.  It won’t get to know how the average family has it now, living paycheck to paycheck.  It is guaranteed to have a life that is easy and simple, without it having to work for anything.  Next, it is given status.  This is a prince.  This is royalty.  Without having to do anything, it now has a position above the common man and woman.  It’s 8 pounds and can only shit its diaper and it is above you in status.  Finally, the status that it has been given is on the backs of the British taxpayers.  The common man is literally helping pay for this little spawn’s wealth and luxury.  Why does Britain cling to this antiquated garbage?  The royalty is a symbol, you know.  A symbol of the serfdom that their nation used to be.  In a way, while nowhere near the serfs you used to be, you are still helping pay for the lifestyle that they get to have and giving them respect they haven’t earned.

So yeah, why exactly is everyone getting excited about this?  Why is this a story that we even care about?  With so many more pressing things happening, like America quickly forgetting that the NSA is spying on us every second of every day, or the fact that the middle class is disappearing as the rich grow more powerful, why do we talk about this like the birth of this royal spawn is anything even resembling important?  It isn’t.  It is a non-issue, except to maybe the blurbs part of a newspaper.  That is all the press that this child deserves.

And that’s all I have to say about this.  I won’t give that kid any more press than I have to.  I have too much respect for what journalism is supposed to represent.  Oh, and I bet you a silver nickel that America cares more about this than Britain.  Correct me if I’m wrong.

Until next time, a quote,

“You, what are you? The brat of lucky parents who were related to a childless king. There is no such thing as royal blood. I believe we are what we make ourselves, and as such, you, Crown Princess, are nothing.”  -Shannon Hale

Peace out,

Maverick

Baby It’s Cold Outside is About Sex

I love old music.  It’s not a mystery to the people who know me that I have a deep affinity for music from way back in the day.  I love Frank Sinatra, Johnny Mathis, all those guys, and some gals, who made music so much fun back then.  But there is something about their music that very few people talk about – how dirty it was!  For real, some of the most pleasant old-school songs are so dirty.  I love it!

For example, have you ever really taken the time out to get to know the lyrics of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside?”  I don’t think you have.  Of course not.  It sounds nice, and it’s a Christmas classic.  Nobody ever invested a lot of time into paying attention to the lyrics.  I never did either, until one year, I was wrapping Christmas presents, and I actually did take the time to pay attention to what Dean Martin was singing.  He wasn’t trying to get that girl to stay for romantic reasons.  He was trying to get into her pants.  I mean, how could it be anything else?  He keeps insisting that she stays, alludes to her taking her clothes off, and talks about how beautiful and delicious she is.  He’s not fishing for love.  He’s fishing for tapping her ass.  Repeatedly.

And don’t you come on here and say I’m wrong.  You know I’m not.  You know that that song is a classic piece of music that is specifically about getting some pussy.  I don’t have a problem with that. I just think its so funny how many people won’t believe that.  Or how many people will say that I’m wrong about Sinatra.  Now, he is probably my favorite of the 50’s musicians.  This guy was not only a good singer, but he was also a mobster!  He was tied in to the mob.  That’s awesome!  I love that.  But if you have ever listened to “The Way You Look Tonight,” he isn’t talking about a girlfriend.  He doesn’t even say that he is in a relationship with the girl he is remembering for how hot she was.  He just says that he will remember her.  Or, listen to “My Kind of Town.”  That song had him talking about all the action he got in Chicago, and how much he loves that town.  These are classic songs, and they are specifically connected to Sinatra’s sex life, not his love life.

Like I said, I’m not dogging.  For real, I’m not.  I love that song.  I love everything Sinatra has made.  But some of these old songs are not only dirty, but some of them are kind of disturbing.  Anybody remember the tune “Mack the Knife?”  That song tells the story, backwards, of a man who rips off the mob, is trying to skip town, and gets murdered by the mob hit-man, Mack the Knife.  It even goes into detail.  Not to the point of being gross, but enough to let us know what happens to the guy Mack kills.  It describes a shark ripping the dead body of this guy open.  Yeah, that’s pretty fucking sick.  I love this song, but I acknowledge what it is.  And so should you.

So, what is the point of this long and rambling bit of nonsense?  Well, the point is that we need to stop thinking that the old days were as pure as the fresh snow, or a Kansas virgin (if such a thing exists).  The reality is that teenagers were having just as much sex, and teen pregnancy rates were larger then than they are now, mostly due to comprehensive sex education and the availability of birth control and condoms.  Kids back then were having sex, doing drugs and being crazy.  The only difference is that we didn’t see it as much back then.  When some dumbass kid back then drove his dad’s Buick into a tree, we didn’t see it.  Now, we have YouTube, where every dumbass teenager’s acts are on display, and get millions of views.

The Leave it to Beaver view of the 40’s and 50’s isn’t nearly as accurate as modern conservatives wish it was.  In fact, since no family is that nice, I have a theory that when the camera was off them, Beaver’s dad was beating his mom, and his older brother and his friend Eddie were having gay sex in the back room.  For real, have you ever noticed how incredibly tight Wally and Eddie were?  Yeah, there was something going on.  Not to mention, if you ever watched the show The Honeymooners, the husband of the show literally threatened to punch his wife in the face every episode.  And we cheered this.  That’s a classic piece of television.  But read between the lines, and that’s kind of sick.  I’m not saying that it was bad television, but I am saying that it isn’t as pure as we want it to be.

I’m not against enjoying stuff from back in the day.  I’m really not.  But can we please stop with the accolades of how those were “more innocent times?”  I mean, it wasn’t.  It just wasn’t.  We had singers singing about getting fucked, and we had a TV show with an abusive husband that we laughed at.  This is the reality of the situation.  And while it was funny, it was also pretty dark, in a lot of ways.  But, that’s how something that makes you laugh should be.  It should tap in to the dark part of you a bit.  But that’s just me.

This is the first of what will be many posts about the absurdities about the holiday season.  I hope you all enjoy them, and the season too.

Until next time, a quote,

“Mom, dad, I like Potsie.  No, I mean I REALLY like Potsie.”  -Richie Cunningham, Family Guy

Peace out,

Maverick