Well, the holiday season has come. I will admit that I enjoy Christmas music, but I am very picky about what I enjoy. Wouldn’t be me otherwise. I am more for big choral numbers. I’m not a religious man, but I grew up listening to large choirs and it stuck with me. Beautiful music is what it is. And the stuff I like is either very old or done by very specific people. However, as I have listened to Christmas music over the years, I have figured out a lot of things that normal people miss when they listen to it. I may burst some bubbles here, but I think that you all should know. Here are the songs that you think are one thing, but I will show you that they are another.
10. 12 Days of Christmas
What you think it’s about: a guy who is giving his girlfriend/wife 12 random things
What it’s actually about: This song is a fascinating dive into the mind of a man who is probably the strangest person ever.
I mean, seriously, have you ever thought about the things that he gives this woman? Aside from the gold rings, it’s all totally nuts! I mean what is this woman going to do with 10 guys jumping around? Or eight women milking? And what are they milking? The obvious implication is cows, but they never say. It could be goats. It could be rats. It could be themselves. You have no idea! Whoever this person is, they are probably the most eccentric fellow ever, and I have a feeling that this woman is only with him because he can afford all of this crazy stuff, which means that he’s also loaded. But yeah, really think about all the things he gives this woman. It will make you wonder.
9. Grown-Up Christmas List
What you think it’s about: A person wanting some more profound things as an adult
What it’s actually about: probably the most depressed person ever.
I say this because I actually have been there. Listen to the lyrics, and it is clear that this person is not the happiest in the world. As is want to happen when one grows up – you don’t really have any material stuff you want for Christmas. After all, you can just get them for yourself. So you think about all the things you’d rather have. This person clearly pays attention to what is happening in the world, and they have become rather depressed, because it is a world that doesn’t look particularly nice to live in. So they think back to when they were a small child, and want to dream of better days. It’s a depressed musing from someone who is trying to believe. Yeah, there’s a sobering thought.
What you think it’s about: A magical world of toys!
What it’s actually about: a world of toys that is terrifying, and what’s more – you can never leave.
I love songs that sound so innocuous, yet hide darker meanings. If I were a good musician, that’s the kind of stuff I would sing. It’s a place that promises happiness and joy to children, but it states that once you are inside of it, you are never able to return again. What the hell?! That’s kind of dark and spooky. It keeps reiterating how happy you are going to be there, but you still know that you are trapped once inside. Can you imagine what happens to the kids once they learn the truth? And why do they want children inside there anyway? If you are unable to leave, then there must be a darker purpose to them keeping you trapped there. Neat, huh?
7. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
What you think it’s about: a child who accidentally caught mom kissing dad, who is dressed up like Santa
What it actually is about: mom actually kissing Santa, because she’s a cheating ho-ho-ho.
Now, to really understand this, you have to listen to a specific version to really understand. It’s the one by the Jackson 5. You know, that group that Michael Jackson spawned from and became famous, while they languished in obscurity. Sucks to be them. Anyway, it’s all in the kid’s reactions. I mean, why would dad be dressed up like Santa? It is understood that he is going to be in bed, and the reality is that no parent actually dresses up like Santa if they don’t have to worry about their kids being there. It’s a lot of work and no payoff. Parents have already had to bust their ass, and they make it quick. It’s just how things are. So, who is this person that little Michael Jackson has caught making out with his mom? Well, it’s obviously Santa. That’s right, she was trying to use sex appeal to get more out of the guy. That is either really clever, or really trashy. I’ll let you be the judge.
6. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
What you think it’s about: that fat jolly guy coming to town with his wares
What it’s actually about: a fat creepy monster who is clearly a terrifying stalker.
I mean, really, how do people not see this? He sees you when you’re sleeping? He knows if you’re awake? He knows if you’ve been bad or good?! What the fuck?! This guy is clearly an evil monster, and the fact that that doesn’t scare people is simply dumb-founding. Not to mention – he is able to get in your home without you noticing. He could come into your room. He could do all sorts of sick, twisted, evil stuff. There’s no guarantee that he is a good guy. Not to mention, after countless years of only being with Mrs. Claus, he’s gotta be getting tired of her…company, as it were. So yeah, ladies, there’s some food for thought – a fat guy in a red suit in your home while you sleep. That should give you shivers.
5. Santa Baby
What you think it’s about: a woman who is a little bit greedy making a Christmas list
What it’s actually about: the biggest ho-ho-ho that has ever been
I mean, seriously, this one is open-and-shut, right? It is especially interesting that she is singing this song in such a syrupy-sweet way. It always makes me think of porn, where the woman is so obviously intending to fuck the guy. This woman has got to be the greediest person ever! I mean, seriously, what is she going to do with some of that stuff? The diamond ring, I get that. But a platinum mine? Are you going to handle the business side of things? Just because you have a deed doesn’t mean that the wealth is flowing into your hands. Not only is this woman a gold-digging whore, but she’s also an idiot who has no sense of responsibility. Yeah, that’s out there now.
4. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
What you think it’s about: a weird kid who wants a hippo
What it’s actually about: one of the most fascinating children who has ever existed and should be studied
I would LOVE to get to know this kid. I mean, seriously, this is the coolest kid ever! For one thing, where did the kid get the idea to get a hippopotamus for Christmas? I really want to know. I would want to know the entire story behind this. Next, why did the kid do as much research as they did about it? When the parents try to tell her that a hippo would eat them, she immediately counters that they are vegetarians. Why would you want to learn all this about hippos?! What compulsion drove you to do that?! I have to know! For real, this kid is so interesting. On the off-chance that I have a kid of my own, I would want them to be this weird.
3. Mele Kalikimaka
What you think it’s about: a guy in Hawaii saying “Merry Christmas” in the native tongue.
What it’s actually about: a stoner on the beach in Hawaii on a guitar
You gotta love a song that is so straightforward that people don’t get it. It’s kind of fitting the the song is in Christmas Vacation in the scene where Clark is fantasizing about his new pool, and a woman being naked in it. This song may say what Hawaii’s way of saying “Merry Christmas” is, but the reality is that it is not just Hawaii’s Christmas. It’s also the stoner’s Christmas carol. For real, the demeanor of this guy singing couldn’t be more laid back. This is a no-fucks-given song, and bless it for that. Even the stoners deserve their due. Especially now that pot’s legal in my state.
2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
What you think it’s about: a reindeer that goes from an outcast to a savior
What it’s actually about: a dark story about how all the reindeer are indoctrinated and enslaved, and anyone who doesn’t fit in is brutalized
Neat irony – this is the same thing that the Rankin/Bass production company’s film is based too. Both of these things have the same message – do your job and don’t make trouble. You have Rudolph, a reindeer who is born with a slightly-terrifying birth defect – a glowing red nose. Naturally, because reindeer society is indoctrinated to all be the same way, when they discover Rudolph’s abnormality, what do they do? Well, they ostracize him. It is much better explained in the companion film. The children are raised to be Santa’s reindeer from a young age, and any who do not measure up are looked down on. So yeah, this is a very dark song, if you really think about it.
And the most misleading Christmas song is…
1. Baby, It’s Cold Outside
What you think it’s about: a guy who is trying to keep a girl from catching cold
What it’s really about: A guy who is trying to get into a girl’s pants
This is another one that I just don’t get why people aren’t able to see it. I did an entire post where I deconstructed the ways in which it is clear that the guy singing this song wants to have sex with his date. She is saying that she has to go, but the conviction in her voice is lacking. He, seeing her resolve wavering, takes it upon himself to get her to stay. He repeatedly comments about how her lips are calling to him, wanting to take her jacket off. Yeah, this guy is like a heat-seeking missile, aimed right at her naked crotch. And by the end, it seems to have worked. Yeah, people who deny the truth about this are not thinking clearly.
So, what Christmas songs got you to see hidden meanings? Let me know in the comments section.
Until next time, a quote,
“Christmas is so big, it’s eating other holidays! Watch your ass, Halloween. You’re next!” -Jon Stewart, The Daily Show