RAB: Twix Marketing and the Venom Movie

The very definition of a random assortment of bullshit. I was at my terrible, awful, no-good, thankless job today when I walked into the break room and got a look at the vending machine.  Don’t worry, I am not that pathetic.  I was reloading on water.  I actually am trying to take care of myself at this job.  Hence why I go on walks every single day now, multiple times.  But anyway, I get to the vending machine and I see a Twix candy bar.  Twix is my favorite kind of candy, but the thing which caught my eye is what was directly above it – Two Left.  The fuck?!  Then I remembered the retarded-ass marketing campaign of this stuff.

See, the company behind this had this marketing campaign where people were supposed to pick whether they like left Twix or right Twix better.  Like they aren’t the same goddamn candy!  That was stupid all on its own, but since I only caught that crap when I was out at the parent’s place watching TV, it didn’t bother me too much.  But then they decided to expand upon that retarded crap by introducing this newest marketing garbage.  See, since apparently this marketing campaign actually worked (what the fuck is wrong with you, America?!), they made packages that claim to have two left or two right Twix.  Why?  So the stupid monkeys who actually weighed in on this nonsense can have their precious left or right.  Fuck that noise!

As it has been made very clear that Americans are too stupid to get this crap, allow me to explain – you cannot have two left or two right of something in a package!  You have one thing on the left and one on the right!  Ugh!  But then all my retarded-ass coworkers said that I am overthinking this and how this reflects negatively upon me.  Are you kidding me?!  We have an ad campaign that is championing being dumb!  How am I the only person that bothers?!  Come on, people!  In the Comments, someone tell me I am not totally out of my mind here (just watch, now I get so trolled.  Never invite the Internet to do stuff like this)!

That stuff aside, there is another thing that got my attention recently – I saw in movie news that the Venom film is going to also star Carnage as the antagonist.  Really?  Don’t you think you’re kind of putting your best foot forward a little early?  Seems like you may want to see if a first Venom film can work before you pit symbiotes against one-another.  But as I thought about that more and more, it occurred to me – this better be an R-rated film!  Why?  Let’s discuss some comic nerd stuff.

Carnage is a truly grisly villain.  As the comic series has gone on, his body count is fairly astronomical.  The character’s entire schtick is that he uses his body to turn into gruesome weapons and rip his victims to pieces.  That’s pretty cool.  Put to film, such a character would be genuinely amazing, would they not?  Here’s the problem – this is a Sony film.  They suck at making movies!  The new Spider-Man only turned out so well because it was paired up with Marvel.  Tom Hardy as Venom definitely has an appeal to it.  He’s a great actor who can do dark roles very well.  I see him being able to take on something of an anti-hero like Venom and making it go pretty far.  But in a film with Carnage, here’s what I want – a HARD R-Rating!

Not this soft-R like Deadpool.  As much as I love that film, it played it safe in a lot of ways.  Logan was a step further in the right direction when it comes to gruesome comic book films with mainstream appeal.  But that even cut some corners from going too grotesque.  But no more of that with Venom!  If this film is going to have one of the most violent comic book villains of all time, then it better ramp up the death, blood, and gore to 11.  I want to see Venom beating the shit out of Carnage in a place filled with the mutilated bodies of his victims.  I mean, how can you possibly market a film with these two characters in it as a family picture?!

In an age where comic book films are FINALLY willing to take some risks that majorly pay off, this is the film where I want to see it ramped up to 11.  Hopefully that’s how they got Tom Hardy on board.  He is something of a crazy method actor, after all.  That man has brutalized himself in all sorts of ways for his roles.  I dig that kind of crazy.  And for the love of Groj, can we not let Sony get their claws into this film?!  They can only make it worse.  For whatever reason, this studio has a truly amazing record of taking good ideas and shitting all over them.  We’ll never know how that works, but there it is.

Until next time, a quote,

“Just like sardine cans!  Snack time!” – Carnage, Spider-Man: The Animated Series

Peace out,



SIONU: Native Advertising in Video Games

Sorry that I haven’t posted in a LONG time.  Things are pretty quiet right now, so I haven’t had much to write about.  However, as I have been trying to get a total completion in Final Fantasy XV, I am sitting with an amused look on my face thinking about one of the missions.  After Gladiolus leaves your party, he comes back with a new perspective, on a very specific thing – Cup ‘O Noodles.  That’s right, Cup ‘O Noodles is in this game.  And one of the main characters gives them the ultimate dick-sucking treatment in a cringe-worthy piece of dialogue that made me laugh so hard the first time I heard it.

And they aren’t the only brand getting recognition in this game.  Did you notice the Coleman brand on all the camping gear that they use?  That is their brand logo.  So, I guess they also wanted to get some representation.  In Angry Joe’s review of Quantum Break, he noted how Nissan is very represented throughout the game.  I’m unsure how to feel about this.  On the one hand, it seems only natural.  I’m genuinely surprised that this hasn’t happened sooner.  Given how big a market gaming is, and how massive the production values they have these days, you would think companies would be all over having their brands represented in gaming.

Granted, it isn’t like this is totally a new thing.  Racing games have pretty much been car company ads since I was a kid.  Madden, FIFA, and MLB games are the same deal.  But this is the first time that I’ve seen native advertising in a fantasy game.  That was strange and awesome at the same time.  I get the feeling that this game was a field test of the concept.  None of the reviews I saw for Final Fantasy XV made a big deal about it.  There is an entire sub-plot of the game that is about getting ingredients for Cup ‘O Noodles.  The game doesn’t even try and hide the intent.  Which leads me to wonder if this just the beginning.  Like, am I going to see McDonald’s represented in a video game?  Uncharted 4 was basically open about pimping Sony’s products.  Everyone had a Sony phone.  Nobody  cared.

Which leads me to another thought – why is it that native advertising is hardly noticed in video games when news that does it is dragged through the mud?  I have a theory – it’s because gaming is such a different medium.  Seeing a product in something doesn’t automatically mean that you are going to get it.  Since gaming is a medium about gameplay and player involvement, something like native advertising just doesn’t have the same effect.  Granted, it can go too far – the Cup ‘O Noodles mission.  Listening to Gladiolus describe that stuff was amazing.  Made me think of the advertising in The Truman Show.  Hopefully I’m not too old for that reference to make no sense to people.

As gaming becomes more and more corporatized, should it surprise anyone that we are seeing game companies reaching out for sponsorships?  If anything, this whole deal has me thinking that it is on the verge of becoming a lot more common.  So long as I don’t have to listen to a character make a speech about the nature of a cup of soup, I can live with that.  It’s the future of gaming, people.  What about you?  What do you think?  Sorry if this post is a little short, I just wanted to get something out there for you all.  It’s a slow time of year, but will be picking up.  Two of the games on my Top 10 Most Anticipated Games of 2017 (linked here) are coming out soon.  I cannot wait!  I’ll try and get reviews out in a timely way, but at least one of them will have hours upon hours of gameplay put into it before I can give a good review.  So stoked.

Until next time, a quote,

“What the hell are you talking about?  Who are you talking to?!” – Truman Burbank, The Truman Show

Peace out,


Ladies, Let’s Get Real About Advertising…

Hey ladies, no corporation cares about you, beyond the fact that they can make money off of you.  That’s a fact.  None of these companies that do so-called “female empowerment” give two flying fucks about you.  They don’t care.  You’re a dollar sign to them.  They want to sell you shit you don’t need, and create things for you to worry about, so you’ll buy their shit.  Sorry if that doesn’t come off as very nice, but I just needed this to get out there.  In the age of PC bullshit, truth is a precious resource that is woefully under-explored.  With that in mind – ladies, not one of the corporations that are in favor of “girl power” give a single solitary fuck about you, and just want you to be a cash machine for them.

The simple truth about advertising is that all these companies view people as is just money coming in.  Advertising’s sole purpose is to part a fool from his money.  What’s more, if you want to sell people something, it’s best to make them REALLY insecure.  I mean as insecure as possible.  You know, I think I’ll let a really fantastic video put it into perspective for you.

I always find it funny when people actually believe that companies legit care about them and what they think.  They don’t.  They care so far as – “oh shit, these people aren’t buying your product!  Let’s find a way to get more of them to do it!”  But then you have people like the ones who got behind Chick-fil-A after their CEO came out against gay marriage.  Something that they back-pedaled on, after they realized that they were losing money.  Oreo’s rainbow cookie wasn’t a sign of support for gay people.  It was a sign that they saw a potential to make brand recognition.  So is the Girl Power nonsense.  They create brand recognition based on people and their propensity for having to either really get in support of or really hate stuff.

What is it about ads that make people like Ellen Degeneres think that these companies give two single shits about them?  Wait, bad example.  That they give two shits about her audience?  Her, they like.  She can promote their shit.  Oprah made a killing off of hocking shit to people.  Dr. Oz has made a killing off of hocking bullshit supplements to people.  Martha Stewart was smart enough to create her own brand, that she could make a killing off of hocking.  But at the end of the day, each and every person that they sold shit to was just a way for them to get money to their respective brands, which in turn got money to them.  Money in, money out.

If you have a chance, watch the film Thank You For Smoking.  It is the greatest comedy film ever made, because it shows us just hos insidious the world of advertising is, while making excellent points about how dumb people are for buying into it.  A man who hocked cigarettes was able to make the manipulative corporate structure of what he did not only seem like the sensible choice, but make a great point about how stupid people are, and how eager they are to believe in a brand.  Truly, it is probably the smartest movie about advertising ever made.  It’s part of my inspiration as I am going to be working as an account manager at a PR firm soon.  By the way – most awesome thing ever!  No joke, this is the biggest opportunity of my life, and I am so fucking stoked for it.

However, the companies that I am going to be representing are depending on my firm to do the EXACT same thing that the people in the video above are (satirically, though it really is a great point about what real companies do) doing.  We are to get as many of the dimwits who watch this garbage to buy stuff.  I am hoping that some of you in my audience are smart enough to realize that these people are doing nothing more than exploiting people.  None of them care about women.  None of them care about men.  All the SJWs who get stupidly attached to companies just play into their hands.  I would be annoyed by it, if it wasn’t so utterly transparent.  But don’t tell your local SJW that.  The moment that they choose to critically analyze something is a VERY cold day in Hell.

“I was annoyed at that Oreo thing to, because all I could think is – I want that cookie, and I can’t have it”  -TJ Kirk

Peace out,


This Level of Anti-Science Advertising is Disgraceful! (A response to Toys “R” Us)

I haven’t done one of these posts in a while.  But I came across something today that just made me sick.  Now, I’m not one of these uber-PC liberals who thinks that everybody should never ruffle feathers.  I get that the world we live in is WAY more complicated than that.  However, there are times when I see something so pandered that it makes me think that America deserves to fall into the global disregard that we slowly are.

See, there is this new ad by Toys “R” Us (linked here) that has a bunch of kids get on a bus.  They think that they are going on a field trip to a place called the “Meet the Trees Foundation.”  An organization that is so boring that what class would actually go on a field trip there?  The kids are totally bored by what they can tell is going to be boring.  But instead, the man who is taking them there suddenly shows that he is a Toys “R” Us worker.  Yay!  All the kids go nuts, because he tells them that they get to go and play around in the store and get any toy they want.  The kids are happy because they get a free toy and I’m assuming a little pocket change for helping this company whore out its anti-science advertisement.  This ad, to me, says a lot of REALLY bad things.

The first is that science is boring, and kids should totally not care about it.  I remember being a kid.  I remember loving to learn about stuff.  At the age that these kids are, I remember me and my friends loving science.  We wanted to learn all we could about the world around us.  Which, by the way, is fucking normal!  Normal kids want to learn!  It’s part of growing up!  Something that Ritalin-riddled America and its desperate attempts to rob children of their childhood has forgotten.  America is now so scared of education and letting kids be kids that we are now doing everything we can to rob them of their chance to live a little.  Kids want to learn.  Kids do care.  As an environmental scientist said in the article linked above, the data has shown that kids do want to learn.

The next thing is that it promotes a kind of blind commercialism and consumerism.  I mean, sure, that’s the society we live in now.  Americans find it so fucking hard to think for themselves these days that whenever someone has a thought posed to them that they don’t immediately understand, we run to Google.  It’s like using these brain things we were born with is too much work.  Why think when the Internet can do the thinking for you?! 😀  Then there is the fact that ads like these are basically saying – the outdoors suck!  Go shopping instead!

The insult to science and science teachers also can’t go unnoticed.  The lack of respect for modern teachers is something that always grinds my gears.  The modern conservative talking point is that teachers are all over-paid and under-worked propaganda machines that are turning our youth into liberal demagogues!  When the truth is that teachers are actually over-worked and horrifically under-paid essential parts of American society that get so little respect that you have them having to apologize when parents are yelling at them for flunking their little dumb-shit kid who constantly acts up.  Back in my parent’s day, if a kid acted up, they got the ruler!  Or something close to that.  You didn’t fuck with teachers back then.  It was assumed that if your kid wasn’t measuring up, then it was your kid’s fault.  A good teacher would do their best to try and work with the kids, but in the end, they could only do so much.  There were only so many hours in the day.  Now, thanks to the god-awful self-esteem movement, if a kid’s feelings get hurt, it’s the teacher’s fault.  Because little Billy or Jane would NEVER be idiots, right?  So when we advertise that they are just as pathetic as the subject they teach, then it becomes pretty clear that we are insulting them and their profession even more.

The last thing I want to touch on is the offensive portrayal of nature.  At a time when 97% of climate scientists agree that global warming is a real issue, that man is helping make worse, and we aren’t doing shit to change it, we are going to tell our kids – don’t pay attention to nature.  Who cares about it?!  It’s like the people who rule this country literally do not care that the world that we are leaving children will be shaped by what we teach them.  So you want to show kids that science and nature suck.  After all, who cares if the world turns into toxic sludge.  They have a new toy!

Oh yeah, and this ad also says something bad about field trips!  I remember some of the field trips I went on back in the day.  My favorite was going across the state to see the Alaska Sealife Center while it was still under construction.  I got to see how it functioned and how it was being built.  That was so cool!  It was a little kid, and it was awesome.  My old man thought it was awesome too.  He went with us on that trip.  This idea that all field trips are these boring wastes of time annoys me so much!

Look, I’m not some psychotic hippie who believes that the end of the world is around the corner.  But who among you can look me in the eye and say that the decisions we make now, and the priorities that we make today are not going to be relevant in future generations.  The climate is changing.  The youth are being robbed of their childhoods.  Worst of all of that, to me, is the fact that science education is so pathetic in this country.  We have the Christian-right, most of whom believe that evolution is a myth, climate change is just a “theory” and these teachers are all trying to turn their kids into atheist heathens who are going to burn in hell!  When the truth is that they are simply trying to teach them what’s real.  What is real based on VERIFIABLE FACT!  Not a book!  Not a myth that you choose to believe in because it makes YOU feel better!  Fact!  These people are woefully underpaid, overworked and get so little respect for it from the government and parents of stupid kids.  And American deserves to get left behind by the rest of the world in science and mathematics.  We are becoming dumber and dumber, because no one will champion intelligence.

Is this the kind of world that you all want for your children?  If so, when it all goes to shit, if you live to see that point, know this – it’s all on your heads.  Last I checked, there is no God, so he isn’t coming to save you all from the world you make.

Until next time, a quote,

“Now, speaking of parents and speaking of bullshit – two ideas that aren’t always mutually-exclusive, by the way – I’d like to mention a special kind of bullshit that has taken hold in this country in the last 30-40 years.  It’s a kind of bullshit that can only be called ‘child worship.'”  -George Carlin

Peace out,