Lucien’s First Take: TITANS Official Trailer

The edge here is…adorable.  This is the worst.  The absolute worst.  I’ve come to accept that DC’s live-action stuff is never going to aspire to be anything other than a complete shit-show (Wonder Woman being good doesn’t change that.  If anything, it makes it worse because we realize that there is at least ONE person who knew how to do this right, and now they get crushed under the weight of DC’s ineptitude), so I might as well be able to laugh at how bad it is.  A live-action version of Teen Titans?  Okay, let’s see what the damage is.

It’s even worse than I thought.  We start with seeing who I am going to assume is Raven.  And she looks…so not fitting.  I get the feeling she was a character who would be born having resting bitch face all the time.  She was a nice character, but her demeanor is off-putting because she clearly doesn’t like people.  This character, and her TERRIBLE hair dye job, looks derpy.  That’s one Teen Titan that they’ve shit on.  Let’s see more.

Next up, we’re introduced to Robin.  And he is…angsty.  Okay.  Guess he learned his gloomy lessons from Batman.  And yet, when a bunch of thugs ask where Batman is, his response? “Fuck Batman!”  Oh my Groj.  This is every angsty teenager who slits their wrists cross-wise for attention.  Wow.  Plus, I can’t help but notice he is horrible maiming and murdering people.  That’s interesting.  So, are ANY of DC’s character going to not be serial killers?  I guess a moral compass isn’t part of the DCEU’s MO.

We cut to them showing off that Raven has powers, and it looks even worse.  The black eyes effect just makes her look ridiculous.  Is there a reason they couldn’t have gone with her eyes going all white?  I’m genuinely asking here.  Because that eye effect just looks terrible.  I’m gonna be saying that a lot with this post.  It just looks terrible.  Everything looks terrible.  And she’s a scared little bitch.  This bugs me.  Raven was angsty and kinda dark, but she was never this little scaredy-cat character.  I always liked her, growing up.  A character with some depression issues that had cool friends.  It spoke to me as a teenager, after my head injury.  This trailer sucks so bad.

Finally, we get to Beast Boy and Starfire.  The latter is another character with a TERRIBLE hair dye job.  He looks like every Tumblr male feminist I’ve ever seen, except he’s Asian, so I guess he bucked the trend that way.  I only see pathetic white dudes in that role.  But what the HELL have they done to Starfire?!  I had to look this chick who is playing her up.  It is a genuine talent that DC has to be able to take a character who’s hot, and an actress who’s hot, and make them ugly.  That takes talent!  I’m impressed!

Finally, we the big action montage, with the tagline – Inner Demons Will Come Out To Play.  “Why don’t you understand me, mom!”  That’s all I hear when I see shit like this.  This is the worst, and it’s kinda great.  It’s proof of what a flaming shit-show DC has become, and with shit like this, all it will ever be.  But you wanna know what really blows my mind?  DC thinks that people are going to pay a subscription fee to watch this bullshit.  What?!  What moron would pay to watch this garbage?!  DC is being run by delusional idiots who want to cash in on comic book nerds.

The people in the comments saying that this show is gonna be great and all the people who don’t think so are just Marvel fanboys need to shut the fuck up.  This is trash.  This is complete garbage without any redeeming qualities whatsoever.  The effects are laughable.  The character designs are the worst I’ve ever seen.  But more than any of that, it has this adorable edge to it that just tickles me pink.  What a giant pile of shit.

Initial Verdict
DC taking a shit and telling people it’s good

Peace out,



Lucien’s First Take: Death Stranding – E3 2018 Trailer

Finally, we get to the piece that I would say is the most controversial in that it still has people guessing.  This game has had a very strange hype cycle around it.  Everyone is wanting to be told everything about it, and I think that’s unfortunate.  It’s a Kojima game, so of course he’s going to play things close to the vest.  During the Sony press conference, I saw person after person bitching about this.  It was unfortunate, because when I saw this trailer, I was genuinely curious.  A lot like all the other trailers, it opens the door for more questions, but that’s not a bad thing.

Why is it that everyone wants everything spelled out for them?  We asked for gameplay, and we got it.  It’s just that the gameplay is as enigmatic as the story.  It always bugs me how everyone is looking to be spoon-fed everything.  When people were talking about the old Metal Gear Solid games, people had no idea what the first one was until they started playing it.  Even the box was enigmatic.  It had the title on a white background.  That told you nothing.  People who know Kojima know that this is his MO, so they why is everyone shocked that he doesn’t hold your fucking hand?  I swear, gamers are some of the biggest babies.

A lot like the last trailer, we’re going to be asking some questions, which I think is what this trailer was shooting for, so all of the good.  Let’s take a look.


Okay, so the first thing we see is…a baby’s ass.  This is how you know Kojima knows what he’s doing.  He did that deliberately to fuck with us.  People think that he doesn’t plan this stuff out, but you couldn’t be more wrong.  Baby gives us a thumb’s up and we’re off to the plot.

We have some chick and Norman Reedus talking about things that are a little vague.  At the very least, we learn that there are levels to what people who examine this world have, and that some people have the ability to see the creatures in the shadows, while our main character can feel them.  The chick offers him a job, but he turns her down.  There is some implication that what she does is dangerous, and he prefer what he does so he doesn’t have to be in that.

Now we get to the gameplay, and just like all the games I’ve talked about, the visuals are breath-taking.  We have Norman Reedus walking through a giant grassland that reminds me a lot of Scotland, for whatever reason.  You also see these spires going into the sky.  Landmarks of objectives?  That’s smart, given how you have this HUGE open area to traverse.

After more traversal of the landscape, we see Norman Reedus in a bath, washing away what appears to be blood from a lot of scrapes.  To me, this says that this world is dangerous as it is, and that’s why Reedus isn’t looking to get with the chick for her job when it is going to put him in even more danger.  He has his own problems.  Then we get to one of the weirder things – him carrying a corpse.  That’s kinda weird.  Why do they harvest bodies?

Then we see a destroyed metropolitan area.  This has me wondering if there was some kind of cataclysm and now the people in this world are having to survive in what’s life.  Kind of a post-apocalyptic sorta deal.  Lots of questions, which has me even more excited. More traversal, and we see Reedus pulling something really gross out of his foot.  That was so eww.  But has me wondering even more.

As he gets to the top of a ridge overlooking what appears to be a camp of some kind, he pulls out a gun.  Does this mean that there is fighting for resources?  More interesting questions.  I dig it.

Now we get to the various screens telling us things, and I think we get to the juicier stuff.  Like Norman Reedus trying to get a picture, but there is a weird shadow entity that seems to be walking on its hands, and wherever it presses down, grass grows.  That’s is surreal and creepy on a whole lot of levels, and it’s pretty clear that our main character is terrified of it.  As he tries again to get the picture he was going for, a hand grabs his, and we see…is that Lea Seydoux?  I remember her from Blue is the Warmest Color.  There’s a hard turn.  She’s dressed in pretty hardcore gear, so what is her deal?

Something I noticed about the scene after she arrives – did you catch that music?  Did that style not seem a little familiar?  Call me crazy, but since Kojima was originally intending to make a Silent Hill game with Norman Reedus and Guillermo Del Toro, and now he is basically doing the same collaboration in this game, it got me thinking.  Didn’t that music sound like Akira Yamaoka’s style?

We then get a bombshell thing that most people seem to have missed.  She says that she’s headed into town.  So there is SOME kind of infrastructure to this madness?  Is her logo on the outfit a faction?  This trailer is so good about giving us more and more questions, all of which I cannot wait to answer.  Next up we hear people on the radio talking to him, and it implies that whatever these creatures are, there is method to what they are doing as well.  Lea’s character alluded to as much as well.

Then we see that the baby that this dude carries around serves a kind of function.  The part of the machine that can detect the shadow creatures is contingent on using the baby.  That’s neat.  What follows is a genuinely tense scene where we see the shadow creatures above in a way that almost looks like The Sorrow boss fight from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater.  Kojima couldn’t get away from the stealth gameplay, but that’s fine by me.  If the dude knows his shit, no sense telling him not to do what he’s good at.  The umbilical cords connecting the creatures implies some kind of mother organism.  That’s another neat clue that people don’t seem to want to pick up on.

After trying to dodge the creatures, they sight him and pull him into the ground.  Since I know that death in this game means being sucked into the much more violent purgatory realm, I figure that he didn’t actually fail in that section.  We also get Lea Seydoux eating a bug.  That’s gross, and weird, but she says that the eating of them is beneficial.  Dying to know why.

Finally, we get introduced to a blonde chick that seems to have some connection to Reedus, but he doesn’t know who she is.  Well dressed, but seems to exist in the purgatory universe of the game.  I wonder what her deal is.  So many questions.  It’s great.

Most people I talk to hate this trailer.  I love it.  Something that gives me more questions than answers while showing me the game is always for the better.  Do we want trailers that just spoil the whole damn thing?  I don’t.  Between movies and video games, so many trailers tell us everything there is to know and leave no room for interpretation.  Kojima loves him some intrigue and likes to keep gamers wondering right up to when we see what it is.  That’s what I like in his games.  You never truly know what to expect.  If all I had with games was the same shit over and over again, I would get bored very, very quickly.  Why is that what everyone wants?  It makes no sense to me.

Initial Verdict
Can’t wait to see what comes out next

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: The Last of Us: Part II Gameplay Trailer – E3 2018

The sequel to one of my favorite games of all time.  Needless to say the stakes for this are a mile high.  I saw the original trailer and I was pretty interested. Why is Ellie on the war path?  What is Joel’s role in this?  Will it stick with the moral framework of the previous game?  A dark narrative about the cost of living and the cost of being a good person when lights are gone and the cops don’t exist anymore.  I loved the dark themes and the brutal combat.  Joel and Ellie and their dichotomy was absolutely fantastic, and I am genuinely eager to see what they get up to next.  So let’s take a look at this trailer and see if it measures up.


We open up with a ho-down.  Okay.  I’m sure this is going to go somewhere.  Our girl Ellie is there and is looking longingly at some Indian girl.  I’m speaking about people from India, not Native Americans.  Alright. Then Asian dude comes up to her to talk.  So this game has all the diversity of a college campus pamphlet because Neil Druckmann thinks that Anita Sarkeesian has a point.  Even when her and her ex-affiliate Josh McIntosh shit-talk his games.  Funny how that works.  Okay, whatever.  So long as they’re good characters, I don’t care.  But this trailer is boring me.

The trailer goes on with this 90210 bullshit.  Where is this going?  What is this place, anyway?  Is it Tommy’s compound?  How have they maintained power over all this time?  With no way to replace parts for the hydroelectric dam, if things break, how do they keep the lights on?  I’m so bored by the stupid banter between these characters I don’t know and the one I do know that I’m finding plot holes.  This isn’t a good look.

We see the banter turn to romantic banter.  Okay.  Since I don’t know who this chick is, I don’t really care.  I guess it’s a cute scene, but I don’t give a fuck.  They kiss.  Okay.  Good for them.  Happy couple.  Where the fuck is this going?!  Then it cuts to her killing someone.  Oh hey!  Now we’re back on point!

Okay, I have SO many follow-up questions.  For starters, where is Joel?  Asian dude alludes to him being overprotective, and Ellie seems to agree.  It comes off as a little bit of animosity between them.  So, is the game going to tell us what happened between them?  Asian dude calls him her old man.  That’s interesting.  Because the audience could see that Joel and Ellie were forming a relationship as surrogate father and daughter.  It’s part of what made their dynamic so beautiful and tragic.  What happened?  Their connection tied in to the message of the game and I kinda wanna know where these two are at.  He is mentioned and then brushed off.

Given that we have India lesbian girl as the central focal point of this trailer (which again I want to stress I don’t care about, so long as she is not a boring Mary Sue), is our connection in this game supposed to be her and Ellie’s relationship?  I assume that she’s dead by the time we get to where the actual gameplay starts.  I mean, what else would drive Ellie to be so eager to go back to her killing ways?  In the last trailer she hinted that she was looking to get some very sweet revenge for what these bandit group has done. Given these two being all kiss-y would imply be killing her girlfriend, which would point that being the central conflict.

Here’s the problem – I don’t know this character.  My hope is that if she’s interesting enough, I will come to feel bad about her being murdered.  Druckmann has shown that he can write a solid relationship.  It’s how I felt bad about Joel’s daughter being killed at the beginning of the last game.  But you spend a solid four minutes on these two’s dynamic, and I don’t know who this love interest is.  It really makes me wonder what the purpose of putting that in the trailer was, if not to win SJW brownie points.  You’ve shown that you seek these people’s approval, after all, so it wouldn’t surprise me.

It’s unfortunate that the India lesbian is probably dead by the point where Ellie is being violent again.  I get the feeling that the moral quandary here is that she was living a very upstanding life, outside of the violence that her and Joel found so easy to embrace in the previous game.  The violence that she wanted to give her life for, rather than be forced to live with it.  They had to accept the people they had become by the end, because Ellie chose to accept her surrogate father’s lie about what happened at the Fireflies base, rather than the truth.

Part of me would like a scene where Indian lesbian sees this part of her girlfriend.  Where she sees this violence inside of her that she is now openly embracing all over again.  A part that I get the feeling she spent years trying to get away from.  Now it’s all back, and she has gone back to that life without a backward look.  A moment where the girlfriend sees that person that Ellie is willing to let herself be come and being horrified by it sounds kinda fun.  It fits with the theme of the universe in the game.  At least from the last game.  I’m not too sure if this game will remember that.  It would be a real shame if it doesn’t.

Also, openly gay characters in a post-apocalyptic setting interests me.  In the last game, we had Bill.  He clearly had a very ugly relationship with someone who hated him for his quirks and his conservative outlook on how to live his life and be regimented about all things at all times.  The game put that relationship and its falling apart as a very hard thing because in a world where so many people are dead, infected, or crazy, finding gay love must be the hardest thing in the world.  And given how in situations where order breaks down, conservative ideologies tend to flourish rather than liberal ones, being openly gay must be a HUGE risk to take.  Unless Neil Druckmann is going to just avoid talking about that.  It’s a magical world where reality and the ugly parts of it don’t exist.

I’m not saying I hate this little romantic thing Ellie and India chick have going.  My problem is that if you’re going to put this relationship in this setting, at least take the time to acknowledge that it’s going to be uncomfortable.  Or difficult.  Don’t just tell us that it’s totally normal part of that society.

Back to where the trailer is.  Ellie has knifed a dude and is back in form.  Alright.  I like this.  Let’s talk about the actual gameplay.  Oh my Groj, the environments in this game are gorgeous.  I noticed that Ellie seems to be able to hide in tall vegetation, much like in Uncharted 4.  I liked it in that game, and I like it here too.  So why is this player having her skirt around her enemies?  That’s not smart.  Especially since she just killed a dude.  It’s always smarter in these games to clear out your enemies.  Less chance of detection.  When they find dead bodies, they raise the alarm, you know.

I also caught that you can go prone through shorter vegetation.  Yes!  I like that too.  The sneaking possibilities in this game are expanded.  This makes me happy on a lot of levels.  Can’t help but notice those two guards you didn’t kill before raised the alarm.  Sure would have helped if you had taken them out so you can kill the enemies better.  Whoever is playing this gameplay bit is an idiot.  Also, are you unable to do the listening thing from the first game?  Because it seems an obvious thing to do given how the player never seems to know where the enemy is.

Given that Druckmann takes what Anita Sarkeesian and her ilk say seriously, it is interesting that we see that now, not only can you kill women, you can kill minority women too.  I’m actually not against that.  I like seeing the people you have to murder get changed up a bit.  The white man as being the only ones with the potential for evil is a tired cliche.  The combat also seems to have gotten a bit of revision.  Is there a kind of dodge mechanic?  It looks that way?  Or at least a parry mechanic to avoid hits.  I like that too.  The brawler combat from the last game did kind of get old pretty quick.  And since Ellie is small, dodging is a good way to get around her smaller size than her opponents.

After having to run away because the player is an idiot and didn’t realize that it’s better to kill all of your enemies as you go, we have Ellie using tall grass to hide in.  Again, I like this.  Then we see her hiding under a car!  That’s cool as shit!  And you can use weapons under the car.  That’s pretty cool too.  Though, a silent weapon would be better.  Not sure what that would be given the tight space under a vehicle, but just floating that idea.  This person playing really doesn’t get being stealthy.

Some more gunplay because this person can’t do headshots, and we see another thing that caught my eye – arrows stick out of you when you get hit.  That’s kinda neat.  Like a mechanic where if you get hit with physical projectiles you have to deal with that.  You can also use bad guys as a shield!  That’s cool as fuck!  I would abuse this SO Much.  There is also some nice destruction of the environment in this game.  That’s a nice touch.  I also like how taking ammo out of corpses like arrows is more involved.  Another nice touch.  The little nice touches are adding up.

Then we see something I was really hoping would be improved upon – the crafting mechanic.  You can make different kinds of ammo!  Yes!  So many possibilities.  This game seems to be big on giving you lots of new tools to deal with the apocalypse.  You can also pick up ammo enemies drop when they’re hurt!  More and more nice touches that go a long way.

Finally, we cut back to 90210 with a character I have no reason to care about.  REALLY hoping we come to care about this character and not have her be a boring token.  Thus far, I’ve seen how Druckmann still has the capacity to write good characters.  But he led on this trailer with this, so he’s putting all his chips in this basket.  Best of luck.

Overall, the gameplay looks slick as fuck, and I cannot wait to see what happens next.

Initial Verdict
Hyped to see what comes next

Peace out,


PS: Wait a tick!  Something just occurred to me.  India lesbian looks kinda familiar.  And it is fitting, since Neil Druckmann takes this woman seriously.  Am I the only person who thinks that she looks a bit like Anita Sarkeesian?  I can’t be the only person who sees the resemblance.  Is this Neil fanboying over Anita by putting her in a video game?!  I mean, we already have Anita’s self-insert fantasy game, but now we have this guy putting her in his video game.  I CANNOT be the only one who noticed this.

Lucien’s First Take: Ghost of Tsushima – E3 2018 Gameplay Trailer

With games like The Last of Us: Part II and Death Stranding, part of me was hoping that Sony was going to bring the house down at E3, but unfortunately they didn’t.  Don’t get me wrong, their showing was cool and all, but it wasn’t the absolute extravaganza that I was hoping for.  Still, the thing that Sony can best lay claim to is their exclusives, and they knew that that is what everyone was hoping to see.  So they delivered, and I am going to be talking about all of them in several posts.  I hate to start at the high point, but the one that really blew me away in terms of gameplay elements is the Ghost of Tsushima trailer.  This thing looks so amazing.  I cannot wait to play.  Let’s talk about it.

We begin with showing a windswept area.  Oh my Groj!  This looks amazing.  The visuals in this game are a cut above.  At first, you start thinking that this is all just cutscene stuff, but then you see our main character, and the gameplay begins.  As you walk up this hill, I am in awe of the subtle touches in this game.  The grass moving with the wind.  There is a woman crying over dead bodies, and our main character looks at her before moving on.  Little things like that go a long way, for me.

Then we get to the Otsuna Grasslands, and holy shit!  These things are amazing!  I am in awe, absolute awe of how gorgeous this is.  Makes me feel like a kid again, giddy to play the next really cool game that I think is really cool.  Poor grammar.  Whatever.  We then get to ride through them, with that soft flute music in the background.  If that is indicative of what the soundtrack for this game is going to be like, then I am even more excited.  It’s so soft and really gets me in the spirit of feudal Japan.

Coming to a very dark forest, we can tell that trouble is brewing, and it’s time for our nameless character to spring into action.  Here’s where we get our first take at the combat in this game.  I will say that it’s kind of odd to have the Mongols seemingly talking in their own language, but to have the regular gameplay in English.  I’m not complaining, but it does stick out.  Back to the combat, I like that the pace isn’t super fast like an Assassin’s Creed game.  In fact, there are points where you see that you have to adjust your strategy for different enemy types.  That’s pretty neat.  It’s also great to have the first guy coming at you and leaves blowing in the wind, only for your character to whip out his sword at the last second and deal with him.  Kinda anime, but whatever.  It’s cool as fuck.

We’re then paired up with a female character, who seems to have a chip on her shoulder, but it’s clear that our character just wants to get the job done, rather than deal with politics.  It’s here that we get to see that there is stealth gameplay as well, and it’s fun.  Kinda makes me think of the Arkham games.  Unsure why.

At the temple, we get to see that not only does this game have some slick combat, but there’s parkour too!  I love this game more and more with every passing second.  It’s like that Assassin’s Creed: Rising Sun idea that a dude posed, only a million times better because it isn’t attached to the Assassin’s Creed franchise.  That series is dead to me.  One thing you have to help you with your parkouring is a rope.  This makes me think of Uncharted 4, which is just fine.  I loved that game to death too.

Once we find our ally, and see he’s in a pickle, the game feels even more like Arkham Knight, in that we can drop down and take out one enemy, with a kind of fear mechanic to take out the other two.  Not complaining there either.  That was one of the more fun parts of that game as well.  When we get our ally out, it seems that the woman who had the chip on her shoulder wastes no time showing us what that chip is.  Our character rightly points out that we have bigger problems than petty grudges, but it seems that she won’t let this go.

What follows is one of the coolest boss fights I have EVER seen!  The deliberate pace of combat in this fight is excellent.  Kinda makes me think of For Honor.  Carefully timing your attacks to avoid her counters.  But the setting is what sells it.  There is so much atmosphere in this battle.  I also love how this character is determined to see this fight through.  As the Mongols arrive and shit gets real, she’s not backing down.  So much atmosphere.  It’s great stuff.  The trailer ends with the two at least putting aside their differences to face the enemy.

This is what I’m talking about!  The hype train is absolutely bananas for this game.  Unfortunately, the lack of a release date tells me likely 2020 at least.  Bummer.  Oh well.  We’ll see what happens next.

Initial Verdict
Couldn’t be more hyped

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: The Meg

I’ve been saying for a LONG time that Hollywood is out of ideas.  That’s obvious to anyone who is paying attention at this point.  From all the remakes, reboots, Disney’s TERRIBLE live-action remakes of their classic cartoons (all, without a single exception, suck), and let’s not even get started over how everything is either that or a sequel, it’s abundantly clear that Hollywood is totally out of ideas.  The fact that the Disney live-action remakes of their films make a shit-ton of money blows my mind.  What retards are going to see that crap for entertainment purposes?  Will never know.

But then we get shit like this.  A film that was scraped right down from the very bottom of the barrel.  I mean we’re talking about the caked-on sludge of old ideas that have been done to death.  This isn’t beating a dead horse.  This is going the Freddy Got Fingered route with its skin.  Actually fitting, if you think about it.  Retarded studio executives got together and said “what’s going to make a ton of money?  I know, let’s make a giant shark movie!”  They got some hack writer to come up with the script, and then found some washed-up action star to sell it.  Thus, The Meg was born.  Don’t worry, we’ll get to the title in a minute.  First, let’s take a look at the trailer.

Why is the Like ratio on this so high?!  Have I taken fucking crazy pills?!  Either I am the only sane person on the Internet, or the rest of this country is so intellectually dead that they are actually calling for this garbage.  I cannot believe it.  Sometimes I think that this country is filled with absolute retards.

First, the title.  I cannot take The Meg seriously.  This is the stupidest title I have ever seen on any film, ever.  I’ve seen porn movies with titles that aren’t this cringe-worthy.  All I can hear when I see a title like this is –

So yeah.  This is so stupid right off the bat.  But let’s keep going.  Alright, so we got cute little Asian girl with her ball that rolls around going through a really fake-CG underwater area.  The ball is suddenly stopped, when what do we find?  A REALLY fake CG shark!  And it’s big!  Wait, hasn’t The Asylum done dozens of these kinds of films already?  Is this literally just an Asylum picture with a higher budget?  Why are there so many likes on this?!  What is it that the people of the Internet wouldn’t like?  SevenLet the Right One InAkira?  The Internet has such phenomenally-bad taste that it blows my mind.  Uh-oh!  Really fake CG shark tries to bite the tiny Asian girl!  And for some reason fails.  What I’m sure is a fuck-ton of biting power, and it couldn’t bite through that glass.  Weird.

Then we cut to them exploring really fake CG…everything!  Are they even in water?!  There wasn’t a single shot in any of the stuff that followed that I didn’t think – CG was used.  I may think that Titanic is overrated crap, but at least James Cameron went out in the actual ocean.  Ugh!  The CG on everything in the environments is so distractingly terrible.  Why is this so bad?

Next, it cuts to Bobby Darin doing “Beyond the Sea,” with a happy wedding scene?  Their tiny dog jumps into the water, and sees the giant shark, which causes it to swim back.  The song keeps going!  What tone are they trying to set with this?  Because it sure as hell isn’t intimidating.  Not to mention, how big is this thing?  There are multiple shots that paint the size of this monster very differently.  The opening has it pretty damn big, but then we have shot after shot where the size seems to change, depending on what it’s going after.  In one scene, it’s so big that it looks like it can swallow a boat whole.  In another, it’s small enough to be having trouble with a submarine.  There are real discrepancies with the size of this creature who is supposed to be intimidating.  Though, after a while, you realize that it’s so big that it might as well be a kaiju and we can get Godzilla to fight it.  Would probably be a better movie.

All of this is besides the point.  This movie is basically Jaws, except the shark is WAY bigger, and WAY more fake.  Nothing about this is realistic.  It’s stupid.  The fact that the Internet has seen fit to give this so many likes hurts me inside.  Fuck this movie.

Initial Verdict:
A complete waste of time

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: Venom – Official Teaser Trailer

This sucked!  This is the worst trailer I have ever seen, in the history of trailers that are meant to get people’s hype up.  What the fuck was this?!  I have never seen a trailer so bereft of essential material to what they are trying to market in the history of movie trailers.  This trailer could be for anything and I don’t think that anyone would see the difference.  This could be for any retarded action movie and people would not be able to tell the difference.  I hate this trailer, and it is making my expectations for a film that I am GENUINELY hoping is awesome fall to the fucking floor.  Can Sony PLEASE sign over the rights to everything in the Spider-Man film to Disney already?!  They can’t fuck it up worse than they have.  I could go on and on about it, but let’s show the trailer so you can see what I mean.

Do you see what I’m talking about?!  What did we learn in this trailer?  That Tom Hardy’s accent is odd?  I know that Hardy is an amazing actor.  I’ve loved him in everything I have seen him in.  Even in movies that I think are horribly flawed, like the last Star Trek film that he starred in as a young Picard, his role was still fantastic.  So what is up with his accent?  You know what, never mind.  Hugh Laurie’s accent wasn’t great either but I still loved House.

Where is the titular character?!  I get that this is an origin story, but only showing a brief little tidbit of a symbiote is not going to get me excited for this film.  They are talking about fucking Carnage being here.  They are saying it is going to be a violent R-rated film.  Why are they not leading with that?!  Let’s see some of the violence!  I get that it’s smart to keep the full reveal of the character for the film itself.  Too many films play their hand too early.  I do want to be surprised.  But you can still do that and have a trailer that doesn’t cheat everyone of at least a glimpse of what they are supposed to get excited about.

Let’s see some of Carnage’s violence?  He rips and tears people to pieces.  Let’s see some dismembered bodies!  Let’s see some of the twisted death in his wake.  That’s a neat idea!  Have a flash where we get to see him, or how about the titular fucking character?  Maybe have Tom Hardy finding the symbiote?  Why not that?  There are so many better things they could have done, and not one of them was done in this fucking trailer!

What blows my mind is how many positive votes it has.  Did we watch the same trailer?!  I don’t think so, because all I saw was meaningless voiceover that could be for anything, shots that could be for anything, without a single semblance of rhyme or reason.  This was actually worse than the Solo trailer.  By the way, that looks like shit too.  The pretty boy they got for the role looks NOTHING like the character.  That film will suck.  But back to this movie, this trailer was shit and it has set the bar incredibly low for a movie that I want to see and genuinely hope is good.


Initial Verdict
3 out of 10

Peace out,


Lucien’s First Take: The New Mutants Official Trailer

Twentieth Century Fox has really shown that they are willing to take insane risks with their properties.  First it was with Deadpool, then it was with Logan.  The first was a very light-hearted and violent film that never went too hard-R.  The second was a grisly and very grim film that went insanely hard-R and didn’t shy back from the violence.  I really like that.  This new film has decided to take another strange turn, into an avenue that I honestly never saw a Marvel film taking before now, and I am so desperately hoping it is financially successful, so other films can learn from this example.  Now they are going straight-up horror.  I find this fascinating.  There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s get into it.

We begin by seeing shots of a dark establishment.  There are lots of gravestones with code numbers that are very reminiscent of the ones the kids had in Logan.  We have “We Don’t Need No Education” playing in the background.  Is the idea that this place is a school?  An odd choice, but I’ll go with it.  There is a woman grilling a small child, asking if she has ever noticed strange things happening.  Then the question comes up – have you ever heard of mutants?

This leads me into wondering where in the timeline this film takes place.  Part of me figures that it takes place in the same universe and timeline as Logan.  It fits.  After all, how else would you explain the fact that no one seems to know what a mutant is?  Society has forgotten about them.  They’ve been dead for a generation and now we have new mutants coming along.  Lots of cool implications there.

It cuts to the doctor talking to a new kid about the fact that baby rattlesnakes are more dangerous than adults because they can have more deadly bites.  Interesting.  A metaphor for the fact that children are more dangerous than adults?  Neat thought process there.  Get to meet a couple more mutants, including a blonde girl.  The doctor says that these children are dangerous, which leads to one of the kids hearing noises come from a washing machine.  The kid gets closer, until a hand slams onto the door and flames come out.  Okay.  Lots of questions.  Why was that kid in there?  Why are flames coming out?  This is weird.

Then it gets to the montage of stuff, and this is where it got my attention.  The aforementioned doctor is all cut up.  Okay.  One of the mutant kids has blood on her finger and then faces start meshing through the walls.  Interesting.  A kid describes this place as not a hospital, but a haunted house.  That line is kind of dumb, but at least it informs the idea that this place is painted as a place of healing, even though it’s much more likely that it’s some kind of Weapon X type facility.  There’s someone in a weird mask.  Horror movie trope #1,000,000.

We see more and more chaos surrounding these mutants.  What interests me is the idea that if it’s the kids themselves or something outside them.  So maybe this film takes place before any of the mutants from other films are discovered?  Like, these are some of the originals and now we’re seeing the chaos they are able to cause because no one knows how to stop it?  Lots of interesting questions here.

Here’s the thing – a comic book themed horror film is a fantastic idea.  That’s what Ghost Rider should have been.  I genuinely believe this idea could work.  The thing is that this trailer doesn’t tell us much.  Especially if the film wants to go hard-R.  Please tell me it does!  You know what this film needs – a Red Band trailer.  We need to know if it’s going as twisted and dark as its predecessors have.  Please tell me does.  Please let this be a film that takes all the balls 20th Century Fox has gotten with their darker superhero films and runs with it.

But my worry is that because this film doesn’t have the name recognition that Deadpool or Logan did that people will ignore it.  They’re releasing this in April.  What a random time.  I for one mean to see it.  I need to know.  Hopefully all of you do too.  Let’s not let a potentially interesting idea languish on the vine.

Initial Verdict

Peace out,