I’ve made very, very clear how much I despise modern Disney. I’ve described the media as a tired old whore telling you whatever they think will get your click fingers going, but Disney sure isn’t far behind them. Doing whatever they can to get the maximum amount of money in with the minimum amount of effort. We’ve seen that with TERRIBLE live-action version of films, each worse than the last. But it seems that Disney is keen to one-up their shitty movies, and we get to see the dim-witted, dumb-shit millennial audiences who will shell out money to see it because they are nostalgia junkies who need their next fix. The first trailer dropped, and it pissed me off. Let’s watch it together, then we’ll talk about it.
Oh fucking boy. Why do people keep seeing this crap?! Can SOMEONE please tell me what it is that draws you fuckers in to watch this garbage? That’s not rhetorical. Someone explain this to me in a way that a pretentious pseudo-intellectual can understand. All ears. Lots to talk about.
For starters, we have this scene where Mulan is on a horse, in what is a nice setting of the Chinese countryside. Okay. Then we cut to her at home, and it seems the match-maker has already got her hitched. So the scene where she fucks up the appointment with the match-maker and gets yelled at, only for her father to say that he cares for her for the person she is? Yeah, guess they cut that out. Now the dad just says this is for the best and we leave it at that. What a great way to avoid having a family dynamic and getting to know the characters. Not to mentions one of the big song numbers. Given what we see in the rest of the trailer, I have a sneaking feeling there won’t be any actual music in this movie. Call it a hunch.
Then there is a montage with who I presume to be the match-maker, listing off qualities that a wife should have. During this montage we see Mulan doing martial arts and practicing with a sword. Wait, what? Why is she this really competent warrior already? In the original film, she wasn’t. There was no indication she could fight. Her taking her father’s blade and going to serve in his place was done because she was more scared of him dying than how little she knew. Part of what made the original film great was how she had to grow. There was the best song number in that film where we see this fantastic musical and visual montage showing Mulan’s growth for a weak, unskilled newbie and her journey to become a skilled fighter and able to keep up with all the guys. It’s so weird to me that in a movie that is marketing on girl power, they’re stripping an element from the film that helps show Mulan grow as a character.
The montage continues showing Mulan as she is with the troops and heading into battle. Um, am I the only one who thinks that she looks feminine was fuck as a guy? This is why animation works and live-action doesn’t. Her features betray that she is a woman. This film is gonna totally lack all suspension of disbelief when she tries to pretend to be a man and nobody notices that she looks like a bad tomboy. The least they could have done as butch her up a little. But then you can’t sell girl-power, because then she looks masculine, and that can’t work.
It ends with her whipping her sword around all cool and I guess she ditches the male persona pretty quick in this movie. Because throughout the whole last bit, she’s looking like a woman again. As memory serves, that was after she was wounded and her cover got blown. Guess that scene doesn’t happen in this movie. Not to mention, where’s the bit with the Imperial City and catching the Mongolians in their plan to ambush the Emperor? Where’s the scene with her and her chums using skills they honed before to sneak in? Where’s the scene of the chums in drag? That shit was hilarious. I don’t see any chums in this movie. Guess that would take too many actors, you know, acting. That’s too much work.
Also, where the fuck is Mushu? Are they just ditching that? Did they learn from Aladdin and realize that all these CG side-kicks just look fake as fuck? Oh wait, I know why he’s not in this. See, China has this rule about movies that are shown there – no ghosts, no gays. Mushu ends up with her because the spirits of the family elders try to send one of the guardians to watch over her, and he ends up fucking that up so he goes to make things work with her so he doesn’t lose his ability to go home. But all that stuff with ghosts is no-go in China, and Disney won’t do anything to disrupt that sweet China cheddar.
Can’t help but notice that since she’s supposed to be in a big battle, her outfit is very nice and not dirty or cut or anything. Her face is very nice too. So’s the makeup on it. Guess they don’t want to worry about that little detail. If she wasn’t cute, then little girls couldn’t put themselves inside her like a skin to vicarious experience the movie through her.
It’s so weird to me that the film that CLEARLY is marketing itself on girl power is so much less of a female strength metaphor than the film it a remake of. The original film told the story of a woman who didn’t let herself get held back. She stood tall with the men, and earned their respect. She went from an inexperienced woman pretending to be a man, to being the savior of China. This film clearly decided that that was too much work. Instead, just make it a Lord of the Rings knock-off in terms of battles, and make her super strong and super awesome without having to work at it. Oh, and ditch the songs because then the characters would have personality. That’s too much work for modern Disney.
You people who see this are the reason this shit gets made