Back when I was in college, I used to do Academic Year in Review posts. It was a nice little way to wrap up the year. With this year at an end, and me being all high as fuck (it’s legal in my state now, blow me), I thought that I would restart the tradition. Only this time, it won’t be the Academic Year in Review, it will just be the Year in Review. This year sure seemed to fly by. That is, after I found my new job. Once I was back to work, time has absolutely blazed by. It’s been a crazy ride, but you know what, a lot has happened. There’s a ton to talk about, so let’s get down to it. Consider this my post for New Year’s. By the time I get finished typing this out, it should be New Year’s Eve, anyway.
The year started on a terrible note. I had just gone through the worst experience of my professional life. I have already told the story of the crazy bitch and the PR company she worked for. I haven’t heard a single thing from that company, so I guess they forgot about me. Maybe that, or me pwning her into oblivion in her unfathomably immature texting flame war was enough so she didn’t want to deal with me again. The way she copped out was just pathetic. Coming off the heels of that, I was in a desperate financial situation. I had no money. My parents were basically having to pay my rent. A fact that hurt me to no end. Now back to the job market. I was not doing well, mentally.
Months dragged by. However, hope arrived! I got an interview at a real estate company. I was literally hired on the spot. The power of my damn snappy suit, I tell you what. For the first time in a long time, I felt pretty good. Sure, the job had no benefits, and the pay wasn’t great, but it was work. And I could look for a better job while there. It’s always easier to find work when already employed. It just looks better on a resume. Anyway, two days in, and I saw something that immediately made my blood run cold. It was a box at the office with the name of the PR company that I had just been through that fiasco with. Immediately, I knew that this was bad. I asked, and it seems they rented some office space there. This was bad. Say that crazy bitch dropped in? Say she talk to them about me? She’s as vindictive as Hillary Clinton, and will abuse her power whenever possible.
Sure enough, my worries were confirmed. I get told by the same woman that hired me, at the end of my second day, that I am “not the right fit for the position.” I was pissed. No wonder this job had such a high turnover rate. Did I not mention that? Seems that the job did. I was told as much. Given the absurd things I had to do every fucking day there, I genuinely am not surprised. Oh well. To be honest, given where I am now, I don’t see losing that job as a huge loss. Though it will be weird giving a W-2 to my aunt, who does the family taxes, for a job that I only held for two days.
More months passed. I was so miserable. The worst thing about not working, that they don’t tell you, is how you lose track of what day is what. See, something else happened. My special lawyer girly-mate left. She and I had been thick as thieves. I knew that it was coming, but still, driving her to the airport was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The last time I did it, we shared an amazing kiss. That girl’s lips were among the softest I have ever gotten the chance to kiss. This time, it was just heart-breaking. Last time, I had some reassurance that she would be back. This time, there was none. This time, she was leaving with a person that she had been dating to come back to. This time, I could feel that she wasn’t going to be coming back. Something inside just told me it was so. That fact, more than any other, hurt me. How many people have I watched walk away from me, knowing that I will likely never see them again? I don’t know. I doubt I ever will.
The next major event came up. A neurology clinic that I had applied to got back to me! It was an interview, and I kicked ass! Hell, I impressed the person I was interviewing with so much, that they wanted me to meet with the manager of the office too. I took them up on that, and it was a damn good call. Two interviews for the price of one. By the time I got back to my place, I could tell that good things were coming. Sure enough, about a week later, I got a call asking if I would come back in, this time for something call a “working interview.” A totally new concept to me, it’s when you come in and basically sit in and do parts of the job for a day, to show what you are made of and how quickly you can adapt. I don’t deny, walking in to that office, looking ready to work, I felt so good. It was a little nerve-wracking, but I very quickly got the hang of stuff. Plus, the women in the office were great. I was the only guy. The only one. They were all fun people, and I felt like I was fitting in just nicely. By the end of the day, walking out, I felt on top of the world. Got paid for my work (they have to pay you for a working interview), and they told me that they would be in touch within a week or so. I decided to wait a few days, and then “check in.” Show how eager I am to get to work for them. It seemed smart. Was told that the woman who was doing the hiring was out. Okay. That’s cool. I’ll call back on Friday. End of the week, exactly a week from the working interview. Will find out then. Had good feelings.
I call back, told that she is busy, but would call me back. They took down my name and number. I figured that they were people of their word, so nothing to worry about, right? I waited. And waited. And waited. In a way, I’m still waiting. In what was one of the most unprofessional displays I have ever seen, they never got back to me. To this day, I still haven’t heard a thing. How unprofessional is that? If you put in a day with a company, and really try your best, don’t you at least deserve to hear back from them? I was so pissed. What’s more, it was such a good opportunity. A job I can walk to! That’s what it was. I could commute to work in five minutes, on foot. Ten minutes in winter. They didn’t even have the guts to tell me that I didn’t get the job. So pissed, I was.
After that failure, my depression was doing a real number on me. It had been getting steadily worse, but this was almost past the tipping point. It was past a year since I had started working at the neurology clinic I was at. A year since the best opportunity I had had slipped through my fingers, all because I was sick and angry. What an idiot, I was. But the real blow was coming. My parents could no longer keep helping me with my rent. The old man wanted to retire, so they couldn’t handle the lacking income. By this point, I was beyond desperate. However, hope came! In my darkest hour, hope came. I got an interview for a state job. It was the ugliest state job one can ask for. The most thankless state job one could ask for. A job that involves money and children. You can probably extrapolate from there. Just the day before, I had had a golden idea to hit up an old boss of mine on Facebook and ask if I could use her for a reference. She was more than happy to oblige. And it was just in time, as this place called me back and asked me for some references. My old boss told me she gave me the best reference ever when they called. I was so happy. Two days later, I got the call. I was hired. In that instant, relief flooded into my veins.
My new job starts, and it was in the first day where I met someone who has become so important to my life in such a short amount of time. We were hired at the same time, and both of us were there at the same orientation. It was all awkward and quiet, so I decided to break the ice. What an awesome decision, that was. We got each other’s name, and thus began a friendship that is giving me so much to look forward to.
The job is so fucking complicated. Even now, I feel so stupid when I look at things and I don’t know what any of it means. Plus, our office is so underfunded that we use fucking DOS. I shit you not. We use DOS to run our entire agency. The level of unreal in that blows my fucking mind. So much to learn, and I am in the Customer Service section of our Division. Meaning that I get to deal with people’s hate directly. Groj, so unpleasant. But more than that, I was having a bit of an identity crisis for a while. Being called by my given name, it felt so surreal. Like someone else was in that office. For a brief while, I couldn’t tell who was who. Then, one day, I saw some stupid SJW shit posted online, and I reconnected with Lucien all over again.
As is want to happen, whenever I make a friend of the opposite sex, and things are going splendidly, something goes wrong. It is my life, after all. Her significant other has jealousy issues. Those of you who have followed me for many years can maybe see where this is going. The jealousy issues peaked when she hung out at my place and we had some drinks and were just chilling. It was awesome. It was everything I could have asked for. For so long, all I have wanted is to have friends over to my place. We could watch movies, make good food, play games. It’s all I have wanted for years. That night will go down in history as one of the best nights of my life, which then translated into one of the worst the next day, when our friendship was falling apart due to the love of her life taking umbrage with me. I’ll give this guy some credit, he’s actually met me. I could tell when we did meet that he was sizing me up. And I don’t know if he liked what he saw or not. I outsmarted him and his friends in a game that we were playing. Felt good. My poker face destroyed him. I then decided to just fuck with all of them in the next round because I could. We learned something about each other that night. I learned that he wanted to stake his claim to his girl in front of me. He learned that I am hard to read when I want to be. I thought that the guy doesn’t like me. At the very least he sees me as something of a threat. But the way I see it, any beliefs about me being a threat should go due to recent events. If there is anything that has cemented me as nothing approaching a threat ever, it’s what’s happened.
When things fell apart after the night at my place, I basically had to concede everything that I have ever wanted in a friendship for so long. She listened to my heartfelt and nearly tearful statement about how much this hurt, and there was nothing. Not a single emotion that registered. She said that she can’t please everyone, and has to do what’s best for her relationship. I get that. I know that I will always come in second place. Hell, I don’t even rank third. I’m a new friend. I rank in fifth or sixth place on the totem pole. That’s how it goes. I have no illusions about where I am on the pecking order.
For those who think that this is following the Emily path, that’s my biggest fear. However, I will say this much – I don’t think so. For starters, Emily and I were infinitely closer than Kathryn and I are. Maybe that’s a point in this situation’s favor. Plus, there is the reality that I don’t know what this significant other who at least has seen me as something of a threat thinks. I’ve gotten conflicting pieces of information. I may eventually choose to see this person again, see if there is something more to be achieved from interaction. Who knows, right? However, all the signs are there that this story will follow the track that Emily and I’s did. If so, it will break my heart in ways you couldn’t begin to imagine.
However, there is peace on the land of our new friendship, for now. We hang out as often as we can, but the understanding is that she will never be able to chill at my place again. Ever. That means that movie nights are out. Making good food is out. I’ve already talk about how much I wanted that. It’s a huge sacrifice, and part of me still wonders what she gave up in return, but I’m done fighting a battle that I know I can’t win. I’ve done enough negotiations in these situations to know when I have no bargaining position. And it’s not to say that we haven’t had fun since then.
Just recently, however, things took another turn. Her and I have been carpooling to work together. There is a lot of ugly history with her sister, her sister’s husband, and the nieces that she now has no ability to see. Some truly horrible things. But one day, the sister puts out an olive branch. Because I have this belief that a person should strike while the iron’s hot, when the sister invited her down to the states as a way to make amends and bring the family back together again, I told her to take the risk. It’s a gamble, but how often does good fortune come a person’s way? So she did it. Used up all her leave time at work, spending almost everything she will have saved, all to go down to North Carolina to see her family. Maybe she’s spending too much time with me. Lady Luck saw fit to strike.
The same day, she is sent a message from her sister basically taking that olive branch she put out and burning it down in front of her. The girl was in pain. Horrible, aching pain. Years of unaddressed agony bubbling up and exploding. In the hall at work, she fell to the floor and sobbed. All I could do is sit next to her and hold her. I had no words, nothing to say. All I could do is hold her and listen to her cry. I felt next to useless in that moment. Like I was the person putting a band-aid on an ax wound. The boss came over, and in an amazing moment, she became a complete mom and was able to remedy the situation. Had her go home. Since we carpooled together, I took her home. That was such a hard day, for me.
Ever since then, things have been weird. She denies it, but I’m smart enough to see that something has changed. I can’t put my finger on it, but things have gotten awkward between us. I am sensing a growing distance. Maybe I’m wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time. However, there has been a real change in things between us after that day, and not for the better. Maybe that’s how it separates from the Emily story. After I wiped the tears off Emily’s face in the Periodicals Room, the two of us were closer than ever. Now I feel like I have lost a TON of ground. Not a fan of that. Wondering what I did wrong. Probably overthinking this. Unsure.
So that’s where we are now. My job is sucking the life out of me. The reality is that once Kathryn leaves to go to basic for the Navy (proud of her for that. Was pushing her to reapply to get back in to the Navy), I am out of there. It’s nothing against the department. I just can’t do a job where I am getting treated like shit by people that I am having less and less sympathy for every day. There’s no way I can do this long term. Planning on staying with the state for at least five years. Then I’m vested and have guarantee retirement. Since state jobs like to hire with people already in the state, I feel comfortable when I go looking for a new port to call my own.
Looking ahead, I have been given hints that my lawyer girl may be coming back, if only for a little bit. That gives me hope. A brief glimmer of hope to latch on to. It hasn’t been the hardest year, but a decent amount of stuff has happened. Leading up to when I found this new job, it was months of time where, if I didn’t have this watch, I couldn’t tell one day from the next. I have a job, already one review that looks good, and will have another come February. A new friendship that, while it is currently on not the most stable ground, has a ton of potential. Guess we’ll see what happens.
Until next time, a quote,
“This may not make much sense to you now, a young man at the beginning of his career, but one of the things you learn as you move up the ranks and get a little older is that you wish you had more time in your youth to really absorb the things that happened to you. It goes by so fast. It’s so easy to become jaded. To treat the extraordinary like just another day at the office. But sometimes, there are experiences that transcend all that.” -Capt. Katherine Janeway, Star Trek: Voyager