A long time ago, I did Academic Year in Review posts. After I got done with college, I stopped that. But I will be bringing it back with Year in Review posts. So I won’t go into too much about what’s happened this year. However, I can’t talk about the things that I am thankful for this year without going into it a bit. Man, I am the king of digressions. And this one starts out my post for Thanksgiving this year. It’s been a very odd year, in that not a lot has legitimately happened. A whole year, and my life has been pretty vanilla. So this list will be a bit short, this year. Take it for what you will.
My New Job
That’s right, I finally have a new job. And it is…the most thankless, difficult, stressful job you can imagine. I won’t say where or what it exactly is, but it is a state job that involves lots of money and children. And people hate me for it. I’m sure that you can extrapolate what it is based on that. My resume is shitty beyond all reason. However, I now am working for the state, doing a job that can only look absolutely fantastic on a resume. I’m still in my probationary period for this job, but I got my interim review. It was good, across the board. My boss and I even had a heart-to-heart about my brain damage and how that has led to the depression that affects my negativity. She understood, and even was able to boost her reviews of me by understanding that my way of being isn’t me trying to bother anyone. I’m just damaged and trying as hard as I can to be the best employee I can. The discussion about the review felt fantastic.
Of course, it’s not perfect. It’s a state job, with all the strings that come with that. The pay is NOT what I was hoping for. My hopes of saving up are not going anywhere fast. But it’s a launching point, and I am okay with that. At the end of my six month period, I will be getting my first raise. We’ll see what that equals out to. My life is a living example of things not working out when I want them to, so I take whatever I can get.
It’s hard for me to overstate just how much these people have done for me. The best thing about getting this fantastic opportunity with the state is that I am FINALLY not having to go to them for money. That was really bothering me inside, especially with the old man retiring this year. He’s finally able to enjoy his twilight years. And my mother calls him her “house bitch.” I always said that he would go crazy inside an hour if he didn’t have work to do. Either that or do like his old man and just wander around on his lawnmower talking to people. Part of me can’t help but think that that might be something he starts doing compulsively – mowing the lawn. Groj knows, the parents got enough of it. They are living in the last home they will ever live in. This is their twilight home.
For as much as I have asked from them for the past few years, it is always something I keep in the back of my mind that I owe them. Both figuratively and literally. But this new job doesn’t even pay me enough for that. I can’t even save with it. Adulthood is so fucking frustrating, sometimes. But I keep at it, and hopefully I can actually pay them off. And maybe get a new car so I don’t have to continue to borrow theirs. Among other things in my life that are turning into such a pain. They are two of the best people that a young man could ask for, and despite what I have been told when I was arguing with them in years past, I never took that for granted. Not once.
My Gypsy Girl
The girl who came into my life on a strange day, and left in just as strange a way. That girl and I have kept in touch. It’s been a period of her being around, then not. She’ll be chatty as fuck with me, and then disappear for weeks or even months. However, through some of the darkness that I have had to power through in the last year, this girl has been someone that I could talk to. I also call her my “complicated girl.” That’s not an overstatement. This girl is a strange as she is complicated, to the point that I don’t think even she understands her own motivations.
We have bonded over how much darkness we have in our lives. My darkness is depression caused from brain damage, combined with a severe sense of self-loathing and frustration at my lack of a personal/sex life. Her darkness is depression caused by substance abuse, a severe sense of self-loathing and frustration at her lack of a personal/sex life. I haven’t met anyone who understand dwelling the unending darkness like her. Were it not for forces greater than myself making it so that it can’t be, I would have asked her out ages ago and hopefully impressed her to the point that we would be dating. Alas, that’s not how that story goes. Right now we’re in a period of her going dark. It’s all good. However long it is, I know that I’ll get a text or call from her one day, and we’ll be able to talk again. Even if it’s just me listening to her talk about her makeup. It’s still a medication for what ails her and I.
As I said, the list would be short this year, so here is the biggest thing I am thankful for this year…
My New Friend, Kathryn
My cousin is a huge fan of Bill Burr, and has repeatedly shared with me the bit where he says that men and women can’t be friends as adults, because relationships will always come between them. He may be right. However, I take the people I find in my life as they come. Her and I met the first day we started at the new job together. It was her, myself, and another person sitting there. It was awkward and quiet, so I decided to say something to break the ice. That decision set the stage for one of the most enriching relationships I have had in years. Her and I have bonded so much, so quickly. I could tell that we would get along, and I have yet to be proven wrong.
Getting to talk to this girl, hang out, carpool to work, or go out to movies or to dine are the only things that I currently have to look forward to. And I do. More than you will ever know. She is working with me to bring my comic book idea to life. The girl is a genius. But there is another part. A part that bonds with my darkness. You don’t need to know the details. This part and me do have a connection, though. One that I believe could lead to this being one of the strongest connections I have ever had. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. That’s part of why I want to expand things.
There’s the tricky part. Like most socialite females, she’s a busy girl. Relationships, family, other people. I’m just a small part of that. I know that. Do I like it? No. But I am not so presumptuous of my importance in someone’s life to demand a special space. I’m needy as fuck, don’t get me wrong, but I haven’t lied to her about that. Honesty has been something that I strive for above all with this girl. So many times in my life that proactive lies have gotten me out of a difficult spot, that it has become second-nature to me now. Not her. Not this one person. Truth between us. That’s a valuable thing.
That’s not to say that it’s been perfect. Lately it has been a VERY rough patch, due to an old problem that has plagued me for so long. One that I still fear will destroy what the two of us have. However, I have done what I can to patch things up, for now. And I made sure to leave a way for me to gauge if this will be like those other times, in a very simple way. Anyone who knows me knows that I leave as little as I can to chance.
Those are the things that I’m thankful for this year. Feel free to let me know what yours are in the Comments.
Until next time, a quote,
“Joy is the simplest form of gratitude.” – Karl Barth