RAB: A Twilight Reboot

I’m finding it hard to find things to write about.  My life is not in a great place right now.  Got this job, and it’s pretty cool.  At least it pays well.  But it’s a job where I get to be yelled at by people who hate my guts purely by association of who I work for.  Because anyone who calls me is either getting their money taken or late getting their money from us and is pissed about that.  It’s a job where I get to be told what a dick I am because I can’t help the person in the way that they want.  It’s exhausting.

So not much even gets my attention anymore.  It’s a depressing life I lead.  But adulthood is a miserable hunk of shit until you die.  Gotta wait for that last part.  However, there was one thing that got my attention recently – news about a suspected Twilight reboot.  Now it seems that there is some growing evidence that it’s happening.  This should make me rage, but it doesn’t.  Instead, it makes me groan.

Hollywood needs to just admit that they’re out of ideas.  No, really, we need to just admit it.  All the endless remakes and reboots, I am getting so bored of movies.  Then there is the endless parade of superhero movies, more and more of which are blending into the background.  Now Disney is going to have their chance to drive Star Wars into the ground.  And they will, because that company will try and squeeze money out of a corpse if it’s there.  That company is evil with a capital E.  But it’s getting boring to see ads for movies anymore, because I honestly feel like I’m wasting my time going to see them.

What’s more, it’s just insulting how they want to remake or reboot certain movies.  Like how it is confirmed that The Crow reboot is in production.  Brandon Lee gave his life for that movie.  Now we get some stupid-ass reboot that will most-assuredly suck.  Why?  Or they are rebooting Jumanji.  A movie that had laughable CG, but did have some pretty good practical effects to balance it out.  Not to mention Robin Williams during his best years.  Why do this?  Oh, right, because this is Hollywood.  And Disney aren’t the only ones trying to squeeze money out of a corpse.  They want to squeeze money out of Brandon Lee and Robin Williams’ corpses too.

The worst part about the fact that all of the major productions are just this remake and reboot crap is the fact that ideas that could actually be interesting are being spurned.  Because Hollywood is too pussy to take some of the money they invest in the latest shit-tastic reboot and maybe spread it around to smaller projects.  It’s taking directors who are willing to go to insane extremes to make good movies anymore.  Or, in the case of Deadpool, willing to take pay cuts and have slashed budgets and be released in a shitty time of year.  Twentieth Century Fox made the disdain for the film they were making no secret.  They were so sure that it was dead on arrival that they did everything they could to prove themselves right.  But it wasn’t.  You’d think that would be a clue.  That audiences are tired of the same recycled shit, over and over again.  That was my problem with the new Star Wars movie.  I’ve seen it before!  Only last time, it was done much better.  And it didn’t have a villain who was the gayest villain I have EVER seen.  No joke, with his Dumbo ears and his temper tantrums, I was beyond unimpressed.  That movie couldn’t have disappointed me more if it tried.  Not even going to see the next one of that series in theaters. Will see Rogue One, but that’s just because the director of that film has perspective and likes to make movies that are focused on characters.

I hate movies these days.  They’re boring, predictable, and it honestly is tiring trying to figure out if I am going to see the latest comic book whatever or if some whatever reboot is worth my time.  Fuck all this.  Which brings me back, finally, to Twilight.

Whose brilliant idea was it to reboot that?  It’s not even nostalgic!  It never will be!  It’s fucking garbage!  The ONLY reason those films were popular was that they were cashing in on the teenage girls and creepy moms who liked it.  But they’ve moved on now.  They moved on to books like “Fifty Shades of Grey.”  But they moved on from that too.  Heard they are making a sequel to that boring-as-fuck movie.  Their money to lose, I guess.  Now they have moved on to whatever gets the vaginas of middle-aged women greasy these days.  So this reboot won’t make any money.  But don’t tell the Hollywood executives that.  If we have learned nothing else, it’s that these people can’t read what people want to save their lives.  They never have, and they never will.

How much money are they going to throw at this shit that could have gone to something better?

Until next time, a quote,

“Hollywood wishes they could be this cool.” – Rebecca “Revy” Lee, Black Lagoon

Peace out,



2 thoughts on “RAB: A Twilight Reboot

  1. It feels like the time between movie and remake/ reboot is closing which is the worst bit for me. I heard recently that they’re wanting to remake Memento. Not only was it a good movie, set in the present day so no need to rework your cgi or model work, but it’s only 16 years old and easily available on dvd. Twilight is only eight years old at this rate we’re going to start getting the remake of the first in the series before we’ve got the last in a series.
    Though in truth it doesn’t surprise me, Harry Potter and Twilight both defined the YA book to movie thing and aside from Hunger Games none have managed to live up to it. They were both a flash in the pan thing and as you said Hollywood doesn’t seem to grasp this.

    • All the wasted creativity that could have gone to other things. I suppose we’ll never know what could have been. Hollywood is too busy remaking Gremlins. No joke, it’s in production. I’m just waiting for the Saw films reboot. Because those movies were TOTALLY worth it, right?

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